JacksBack Posted February 19, 2016 Share Posted February 19, 2016 ImperfectAngel made an interesting comment in my other thread that got lost in the middle of other discussions but I think worthy of its own thread... She said that "...[if you maintain NC] all MM/MW come back at some point. [be it a] mistaken Mis-dialed call here or there, a email sent in error. Fishing I think it's called. Even if it's not direct contact it is still contact. They need that buzz." I'm hoping to hear if that been other peoples experience? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted February 19, 2016 Share Posted February 19, 2016 Yep. It happened with mine. Got back in touch to tell me he was "ready to get back into the game"... I think he wanted me to fall at his feet.... When that didnt happen he set up a profile on a dating site. Had nothing to do with me and everything to do with thinking I was the easier option. I passed. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JacksBack Posted February 19, 2016 Author Share Posted February 19, 2016 thats funny, good for you:D Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 19, 2016 Share Posted February 19, 2016 Mine did, but I had changed by then. It was over for me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted February 19, 2016 Share Posted February 19, 2016 My husband never made any contact after d-day and that was over 4 years ago. I know he didn't because she kept trying to contact him and was ticked he wouldn't break NC. Link to post Share on other sites
Midwestmissy Posted February 19, 2016 Share Posted February 19, 2016 The mow did try to contact my wh after everything. It was "work" related, but since she no longer worked there, it wasn't relevant. I was in the car the last time, it was a blocked number, he answered, she said who it was and he disconnected. We both wish he'd taken the call, since I could have heard her reason. That was 10 mos ago, since then she's been fishing through former coworkers who (possibly unaware of the affair) have told my wh how odd personal and inquisitive her calls are (which is why I think they're unaware). I don't know what happened with her marriage, but we moved very far away and perhaps she's curious about ours. She has been to industry events my wh attended, and he left. She does try to show up where she thinks he might be, he's been sending others in his place. The only outcome has been people trying to figure why she's at a function not pertinent to her job. her motives aren't relevant but I'm curious if she thinks she still has "it", and if she just likes the game. We are all close to 50, have 7 kids between us, some of whom are launching soon, and she seems stuck in a very pathetic teenage girl situation. I think it's kind of sad that some women feel the need to compete for a man, but it does happen. Maybe there's comfort in thinking I've coerced him to be with me and she still has a shot. Kind of gross. Link to post Share on other sites
lemondrop21 Posted February 19, 2016 Share Posted February 19, 2016 As I've had time and space to reflect more about affairs, I think the WS's who reveal the affair to their spouse or are discovered, and who then completely end all contact forever, go through the withdrawals, feel the enormity of what they've done to their spouse, and really, truly commit to an honest and open marriage every single day, can heal and make the marriage work. When the affair remains hidden, or when the WS isn't fully committed to making it work, they may be able to fumble along through their marriage and keep it "good enough" to stay together, but it will never be wholly fulfilling. It can be a highly functional partnership, but the deepest sense of intimacy will never be there. There will be moments when the WS is frustrated, lonely etc as happens in everyday life, and they will be tempted to reach out to exAP in those moments (I'm talking about affairs with an emotional component of course). As much as I hate being a former OW, I really don't envy anyone in the former WS position. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
imsosad Posted February 19, 2016 Share Posted February 19, 2016 Mine did. We are both married, we were not found out. I ended it 8 months ago. He broke NC a month later, to say that for him it isnt over and he is waiting, whatever it takes blah blah blah. I told him that there was no way back and asked him to maintain nc so that we could both carry on with our lives. Three weeks ago (after 7 months of nc) he broke it again. He wanted to know if i was going to be at an even (we share a hobby and we attend an annual convention). He was nervous about us both being there. I said no, i wasnt going. He wrote that he still misses me and has not moved on. I guess both times can be seen as fishing. Either way, it didnt change my mind. I cant say i was indifferent to it, but ultimately, it didnt make a difference. I get that youre hoping your mw will break nc and fish, but if you truely want to put an end to this mess, it doesnt matter if she does or doesnt. Best thing you can do is make sure she cant reach you. After the last time,i finally got smart and blocked him everywhere. I trusted him not to break nc but as helpful posters on my thread pointed out, i obviously shouldnt have. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 19, 2016 Share Posted February 19, 2016 Mine did. We are both married, we were not found out. I ended it 8 months ago. He broke NC a month later, to say that for him it isnt over and he is waiting, whatever it takes blah blah blah. I told him that there was no way back and asked him to maintain nc so that we could both carry on with our lives. Three weeks ago (after 7 months of nc) he broke it again. He wanted to know if i was going to be at an even (we share a hobby and we attend an annual convention). He was nervous about us both being there. I said no, i wasnt going. He wrote that he still misses me and has not moved on. I guess both times can be seen as fishing. Either way, it didnt change my mind. I cant say i was indifferent to it, but ultimately, it didnt make a difference. I get that youre hoping your mw will break nc and fish, but if you truely want to put an end to this mess, it doesnt matter if she does or doesnt. Best thing you can do is make sure she cant reach you. After the last time,i finally got smart and blocked him everywhere. I trusted him not to break nc but as helpful posters on my thread pointed out, i obviously shouldnt have. Mine broke NC after a month and was fishing and I too was not indifferent, but I no longer wanted to be involved with him because there was no point, I knew we had no future. I only saw more pain ahead for me if I continued and I was tired of feeling that acute pain. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
JessicaInGeorgia Posted February 19, 2016 Share Posted February 19, 2016 JacksBack, From your post I feel like you're holding out hope that your AP will contact you, please don't do that because it will only torture you and will hinder you from moving on. Despite a lot of the stories on LS being similar, no two are ever exactly the same, and you can ask and ask and get your hopes up that she will break contact but I promise you it will only hurt more if she does. I was no different and some days I do hope he contacts me but I know, logically, that it will send me into an emotional tailspin and THAT is what I don't want. The small "win" you feel when you realize they took their time to reach out is instantly replaced by crippling reminders of why you established NC in the first place. Go back and read my last posts I've made. I accidentally broke 2 months of NC and he responded. That response, while a very good response and everything I wanted to hear, was just enough to send me into a panic attack and sent a series of thoughts and questions and doubts running through my head. You want to know you meant something. I get it. I want to know the same thing. But even if your AP comes back you'll never get your answers and even if you do you'll wonder if it's the truth or a lie. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JacksBack Posted February 19, 2016 Author Share Posted February 19, 2016 Thanks Jessica, your right. Im in in very early days of NC and feel a need to be reminded that what we had was real and that she is hurting too. Those feelings are slowly subsiding, i can see it getting easier day by day and more and more my thoughts are switching to hoping she doesnt break NC. Sorry to hear your NC break was painful, I think your story has helped me as has a lot of the support on LS. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
rainbowsandkittens Posted February 19, 2016 Share Posted February 19, 2016 Mine has not. It's 6 weeks today (but who's counting? ) and nothing. I do wish he would reach out to me so I can see that I mattered, that he still thinks of me, etc. But I'm trying to remind myself of what Jessica says- that even if he does I'll never get my answers and I'll never know if I can believe him or not. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted February 19, 2016 Share Posted February 19, 2016 ImperfectAngel made an interesting comment in my other thread that got lost in the middle of other discussions but I think worthy of its own thread... She said that "...[if you maintain NC] all MM/MW come back at some point. [be it a] mistaken Mis-dialed call here or there, a email sent in error. Fishing I think it's called. Even if it's not direct contact it is still contact. They need that buzz." I'm hoping to hear if that been other peoples experience? If I did not have a d-day, I have no doubt that I would've reached out to xOM occasionally after he stopped talking to me for the second time. I didn't necessarily want xOM...I wanted a reaction, an acknowledgement. If I got a response, then the ball would be in MY court and I could decide what to do. I'd have the power. After d-day, my H made it crystal clear that any contact whatsoever would end any chance of reconciliation. By this time I knew I wanted to be with my H 100%, and I also wanted to take back my own power. I didn't want to be the kind of person who "fished" or put my self-worth in the hands of another (whether that be xOM or my H). It's been over six years now. I have not contacted xOM in any way, and he has not contacted me. I suppose "at some point" could be decades after the fact...but I know, for me, I have no intention of contacting xOM ever again. Not because of what my H said (which still stands) but for my own personal integrity. I did a lot of work to rebuild my self-esteem and integrity...I'm not going to throw that away "just to say hi." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
imperfectangel Posted February 19, 2016 Share Posted February 19, 2016 ImperfectAngel made an interesting comment in my other thread that got lost in the middle of other discussions but I think worthy of its own thread... She said that "...[if you maintain NC] all MM/MW come back at some point. [be it a] mistaken Mis-dialed call here or there, a email sent in error. Fishing I think it's called. Even if it's not direct contact it is still contact. They need that buzz." I'm hoping to hear if that been other peoples experience? What made me say this was not only my own experience but also from what I've read here on LS. With my mm if we ever disagreed on something he would go NC I see it in a way to punish me. It was about control for him. The longest was 2 months. But at some point one of us would accidentally butt dial or send a text meant for someone else accidentally on purpose. It's like pressing the reset button I've seen on LS how many return usually fishing or testing the waters as my mm would put it whether you bite or not is your decision. I always bit because like him I needed the "fix" 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lovetoohard Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 (edited) I will preface this that there was a very strong emotional component to the A before we got physically involved. We had a wonderful friendship, we saw each other almost every day, and went on regular dates and vacations. I can't recall a single day where were didn't talk to each other, so me cutting that off was awful. xMM reached out a few days after break-up for "closure", which then turned into a conversation about how happy he'd been with me, as well as reassurances about a future and that we needed to build a solid foundation and be patient. I maintained my position that I wanted out as hard as it was. We had LC for another couple of months because we used to work very closely together and almost every conversation would have some reference to the R, which was basically like breaking NC each and every single day. Talk about being stuck in a rut! I no longer work with him, but after my last day at the job, he's reached out about five times (that's over the span of 3 months to give you an idea). I have maintained my position of wanting a monogamous, healthy and normal relationship where I can have a future with someone and he cannot give me that and that I refuse to be sidelined indefinitely and fill whatever void he has in his marriage. I cannot, and should not be there as a friend and lover, his W should be the one. Additionally, he needs to face the music at home and fix whatever it is that he thinks is broken. I will not be a party to any of that. The last contact was a month ago and it's been radio silence since then. The silence is golden. I hope for the sake of his W and tow young kids he is working on his marriage. I am happy being single and finally getting back to my normal self. Edited February 20, 2016 by Lovetoohard 3 Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAgain2014 Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 My xMM has never contacted me and I don't expect him to. I disclosed to his wife and told him any attempts to contact me would be forwarded to her. Also, a simple Internet search would make him aware of my remarriage. Most of all, his ego couldn't take the rejection. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lauracake Posted February 23, 2016 Share Posted February 23, 2016 Mine turned up after 6 weeks NC, I stupidly let him in, listened to the I love you's, I miss you, his feelings haven't changed so I must be the one etc etc etc. This led to a week of messages and phone calls until I had to block him on everything. That week we were talking was horrendous, I cried every day, I had a hideous knot of anxiety in my gut the whole time and generally felt worse than ever. Although we all secretly hope they break NC it was honestly the worst possible thing for me I can't explain how awful I felt. After blocking my anxiety settled and my head cleared and now 5 days no contact I'm feeling so much stronger, that hellish week is a constant reminder to me to never break NC again so in a tiny way I'm grateful for that x 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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