Why is becoming a man so hard?

[Buddhist]

And a man is not supposed to hate or detest being manly, masculine, dominant, which infuriates me more

 

Be all of those things if you want. Just don't expect the rest of the world to love it as much as you do.

[Jabron1]

Being a man is hard in this century because of feminism. It's almost illegal to be a man in certain countries. You are only supposed to 'be a man' at the convenience of others. It's a concerted effort for men to expect less and provide more - be a good tool.

 

It's better to be respected than liked.

 

I would not take any definition of what a man is from mainstream media, or women.

 

Instead, forge your own path. Create your own reality. Don't be overly concerned about being 'alpha'; just take bits and pieces of each philosophy that you like. Keep what works, and bin what doesn't.

 

The typical model of a good man from the 1950s has been destroyed. A modern man must approach the 21st century from a solipsistic stance - I am certain of this.

 

As I posted in another thread, there are ways for men to take their power back, and not participate in a romantic rat-race. By rejecting traditional societal constructs, by a commitment to self-improvement, saying no to marriage, and continually raising our value well into middle-age. That is how the contemporary man realises his potential IMO.

[xxoo]

If it were easy, it wouldn't be so coveted and valued.

[thefooloftheyear]

 

I can't think of a single man anywhere I've met who wanted to have anything to do with my issues. It was be the perfect girlfriend and don't put a foot wrong or we're breaking up. The truth is, no-one really needs to learn how to be their gender from having a same gendered parent who is healthy. That's such a rarity it's actually laughable to expect it. From my own experience the vast majority of people are unhealthy and model that for their kids. The OP thinks he's special and unique for not having another man to model himself after, when in fact he's probably in the majority.

 

I think you are wrong here....

 

Even a hardened street thug like Mike Tyson had a guy like Cus D'Amato to take him under his wing and reel him in....And until he died, he had turned that kid around into a strong young man...

 

Once he was gone, it all fell apart...

 

I'm not saying a woman alone can't raise a boy to be a good upstanding young man....My mother could, but she is very rare among women...Even guys that don't have proper fathers usually will get their mentoring from uncles, older male family friends, a boss, the military.....etc...

 

Without that, it;s very hard....It;s pretty common knowledge that the most of the problems in the black inner city community among young black males is the lack of a father figure in their lives...

 

TFY

[joseb]

Good luck getting a legitimate answer on a site like this....You might as well ask for a good burger recipe on a vegan forum....

 

TFY

 

I'm not a vegan, or even a vegetarian, but the best burger at our local is the mushroom one.

Just saying

It does have cheese though...

[Buddhist]

Without that, it;s very hard....It;s pretty common knowledge that the most of the problems in the black inner city community among young black males is the lack of a father figure in their lives...

 

TFY

 

Well to be honest I've thought a lot of things about men over the years but I never thought they were mindless and unable to find any self determination for themselves. This is a new one for me. It appears the Y chromosome renders you guys somewhat disabled in this department. Meanwhile millions of women grow up without mentoring by an upstanding female and still turn out okay. That Y chromosome must seriously control the development of neural pathways to restrict the carrier of them so much that they simply must be patterned by someone else or they are screwed.

 

Interesting theory you've got there. I have to say I have a hard time believing it, it's far more likely that male social programming means that you look for someone to follow rather than blaze your own trail. And without that suitable someone feel somewhat lost. IDK it sounds a little sad. I thought you guys had more chutzpah than that...

 

I've had no decent female role models in my life (familial isolation owing to my mother closing off all contact with extended family) so right from the get go I had to find my own way. It probably has a lot to do with why I think this lack of role model thing sounds a bit flimsy. Particularly as you are now an adult you are free to choose your own role models rather than model just family members or the lack of one.

[thefooloftheyear]

Well to be honest I've thought a lot of things about men over the years but I never thought they were mindless and unable to find any self determination for themselves. This is a new one for me. It appears the Y chromosome renders you guys somewhat disabled in this department. Meanwhile millions of women grow up without mentoring by an upstanding female and still turn out okay. That Y chromosome must seriously control the development of neural pathways to restrict the carrier of them so much that they simply must be patterned by someone else or they are screwed.

 

Interesting theory you've got there. I have to say I have a hard time believing it, it's far more likely that male social programming means that you look for someone to follow rather than blaze your own trail. And without that suitable someone feel somewhat lost. IDK it sounds a little sad. I thought you guys had more chutzpah than that...

 

I've had no decent female role models in my life (familial isolation owing to my mother closing off all contact with extended family) so right from the get go I had to find my own way. It probably has a lot to do with why I think this lack of role model thing sounds a bit flimsy. Particularly as you are now an adult you are free to choose your own role models rather than model just family members or the lack of one.

 

Yeah, And there are just as many fcked up women as there are men....Probably more, tbh,,,But this is not a competition......Ive read some of your other posts,,,,You seem to have a boulder on your shoulder......Maybe you didn't do as well as you think you did??....But I don't know you so I wont pass any judgement..

 

Despite the efforts of the gender neutral movement, men and women differ greatly..As children, all or us are molded and guided by our surroundings...

 

Over the last 40 years or so, what it means to be a man has become so ambiguous and even confusing, that its easy to see how a guy can get "lost"....

 

For example....

 

You hear all about how women want more pay, equality in the workplace, etc...That;s great! Terrific, and about time!!,,,,But then if a guy doesn't measure up, women discard him or lose respect....Or a guy gets told his whole life he needs to be "nice and sensitive" and not be afraid to show emotion...If he does, then he gets ridiculed and told to "man up"...Can;t win either way.....And despite being told the opposite, the successful, wealthy, douche bag, Alpha types still move to the front of the line in life...Some things don't ever change...

 

TFY

Edited February 20, 2016 by thefooloftheyear

[Els]

I totally and bitterly agree with that. They say 'this is a man's world' but its really not in this day and age. Its not fair.

 

A good way to start would be to stop thinking this way.

 

Life isn't fair. For anyone. Most people have had an easier life than some people (congratulations, if you were born in a first world country, you automatically have things easier than >50% of the world's population!) and a harder life than others. In fact, I daresay that realization and acceptance of this fact is a huge part in the transition to adulthood, for any gender. Life isn't fair - yeah, that sucks - but your life is the only one you've got, so what are you going to do with it?

 

I empathize that you had to grow up without a male role model. That does make things harder IMO, and having an overprotective parent makes things harder still. But not impossible.

[hasaquestion]

A good way to start would be to stop thinking this way.

 

Life isn't fair. For anyone. Most people have had an easier life than some people (congratulations, if you were born in a first world country, you automatically have things easier than >50% of the world's population!) and a harder life than others. In fact, I daresay that realization and acceptance of this fact is a huge part in the transition to adulthood, for any gender. Life isn't fair - yeah, that sucks - but your life is the only one you've got, so what are you going to do with it?

 

I empathize that you had to grow up without a male role model. That does make things harder IMO, and having an overprotective parent makes things harder still. But not impossible.

 

Yeah, people tend to only notice the unfairness of life when it puts them down.

 

By the numbers, if life were fair I'd be in some rural Chinese or Indian village right now. But I'm lying in my queen bed thinking about which cafe to stop by.

[GoodOnPaper]

I've been heavily immersing myself in self improvement, but becoming a GROUNDED, self assured alpha male is proving to be a phenomenally hard goal to achieve.

I'm not getting any younger and changing my ways is so hard. You have to consciously take on board the lessons you've learned and actively be aware of the issues in order to apply different behaviour. But even then, you can act a different way and still FEEL the same as before. Can how you FEEl ever truly change?

 

I think the only test any of us have when it comes to feeling change is to figure out if we feel more comfortable in our own skin. I had one year of that - my senior year in college - it was great . . . and the only time in my life that I ever felt "normal" when it came to attraction and dating.

 

The world becoming smaller through the media, internet, etc. hasn't done men a lot of favors in figuring out and embracing their individual masculine identities. For one thing, we're now starting to experience something that women have for ages - society is steering us toward this single impossible "ideal" image of what a man is supposed to be: a super-rich playboy with 8-pack abs, 3% body fat, and can bench press twice his body weight, who has blue-collar "ruggedness" but the intellectual interests of an academic professor, who has the looks and charm to get seductive stares from women in the street but is the most loyal manogamist, who can come out on top in any male confrontation but is a sensitive nurturer to children and puppies. It's ridiculous.

 

Secondly, the world is better than ever at providing us with distractions. This is making it harder than ever to live intentionally - personally, I think this is most fundamental thing that most of us (including me, for sure) have to overcome. Combine this with figuring out who you are and being authentic - at least to yourself - and I think you can start to learn what being "alpha" actually means to you.

[HarmonyInDisonance]

I applaud your desire to improve yourself.

I would advise you however to proceed with extreme caution in this area.

 

First off let me say this, I am by no means an alpha male. I wish I was. By that I mean a real alpha male, which in my book simply means, a man with the will to lead, protect those weaker than yourself, and never stray from your own moral code, ie honor.

 

I do try, but my wife has taken up the role of breadwinner. She is diametrically opposed to this role by nature. Her only dream growing up was to have children of her own and raise them to be good people.

 

My only dream growing up was to do drugs and put my penis in things. I eventually grew out of that stupidity, but I did not know what to grow into. The Army helped a little by pushing my body to its utmost limits. This taught me that when I thought I had given my all before, I had actually only been giving about 70%. I simply copped out because of the effort and pain it took to truly go all out!

 

To make a long story short there is still a need in the world for tough men who suffer when they have to for the sake of others.

 

Here is an example of one instance where being "tough" has served me and my family well.

 

I am on disability for a few things, but the main problem is my right knee and hip. My knee was destroyed in an accident and had to be rebuilt using material from my hip. Years later this has left me with a very bad knee and hip. Unfortunately we are poor and live in a 200+ year old cabin with no heating system. Not whining mind, just leading up. Anyway I have always had to cut enough firewood to get through the winter. This was verrrrry difficult with my disabilities and painful to be sure. I was taking narcotics whenever I had to do the work. At some point I began having some major addiction issues and had to abstain from ALL pain killers. I have a bleeding ulcer so I cannot take over the counter NSAIDs either. Tylenol is a big fat joke for major ostio pain, so basically nothing. This year I simply had to go it without the narcotics. I am not going to lie to you, I cried a few times out in the woods. I'd be dragging a log down the hill (by hand, too poor to afford atvs or any of that ****) and my knee would hang and I would fall on my face. Hurting like hell I would just lay there until it subsided and get the hell up. A boy (about 22 I guess) I know from up the road was helping me. Even with my problems he can never keep up with me despite being much young and in way better physical shape.

 

Now, let me say again I am no Alpha, I'm weak willed and very quick to anger. Though sometimes that anger gives me the strength to grit my teeth and go. This element of toughness is lost on the current generations as is readily apparent to me judging by how weak these young bucks seem to be when they should be able to roll my broken old arse!

 

Another example... My wife.

 

More alpha than me I assure you is my spouse. I got hurt last winter and while I had managed to cut several loads of wood I did not get it to the road. (wind pushed a tree back on me, while fleeing tripped on a vine and bam!) At any rate, broken or not I am physically much stronger than her, and the kicker, she has a right knee almost as bad as my own. I want you to know that woman drug all of that wood up to the road. I was simultaneously more proud of her and ashamed of myself than I had ever been before.

 

So maybe instead of thinking about that "alpha" thing, just try to be like my wife. She fell a few times, but we have children and it was getting cold. She knew what she had to do and she did it without worrying about her own comfort. That's tough.

 

I think you have the right idea though sir as when do speak of this alpha male you are referring to a strong man with moral fiber that still feels fear but powers through. You still hurt, but you carry on.

 

Don't give up! You've got the right idea!

 

Ps. People are dead on when they say the world does not give a **** about your past. In essence life sucks if left to its own devices, so suck it up now so it sucks less later my boy...

[EatYourVeggies]

Over the last 40 years or so, what it means to be a man has become so ambiguous and even confusing, that its easy to see how a guy can get "lost"....

 

For example....

 

You hear all about how women want more pay, equality in the workplace, etc...That;s great! Terrific, and about time!!,,,,But then if a guy doesn't measure up, women discard him or lose respect....Or a guy gets told his whole life he needs to be "nice and sensitive" and not be afraid to show emotion...If he does, then he gets ridiculed and told to "man up"...Can;t win either way.....And despite being told the opposite, the successful, wealthy, douche bag, Alpha types still move to the front of the line in life...Some things don't ever change...

 

I am also in my 40s and due to my job I travel 40+ weeks out the year all over the USA since I was in my mid 20s. I tell you all that because in 40+ years and meetings lots of new people all the time... I have yet to meet one woman who I actually say / think this to me, a friend, in my presence to someone else, etc. Neither have any of my friends. Yes, I believe they exist. Yes, there are many here but I still do not meet these women you speak of in real life, ever. I'm not complaining, I just haven't figured out where they all are.

 

Only place I really hear about anything about that is when the News / News Website or Politicians are calling me a monster. You know, Raciest, Sexiest, Homophobe, Islamphobe along with 10 other insults. Anyway, I have 4 sisters, mom, niece, cousins and many GFs who I loved very much and have the utmost respect for.

 

So for me, I just learned to tune out the social media mobsters, news, politicians, etc. out and hang with my "peeps" like most everyone else does.

[HarmonyInDisonance]

II have 4 sisters, mom, niece, cousins and many GFs who I loved very much and have the utmost respect for.

 

So for me, I just learned to tune out the social media mobsters, news, politicians, etc. out and hang with my "peeps" like most everyone else does.

 

That is was matters. If the people you love respect you then you are heading in the right direction.

 

And a big part of being a confident man in today's world is having the courage to ignore the highly vocal detractors. If you know you are right and acting in an honorable fashion, then that's all you need to know.

 

The righteous are as bold as lions...