Dependant on in-laws...and other problems.

[Earlybird]

Well I just don't know where to start with my story. Basically I got myself into this really messed up marriage, had daughter with him, and am posting today because this evening we're going to his aunt's house to receive the first instalment she's paying us for our daughter's school fees. She's giving it as a Christmas present, but it's because we can't afford them. Last year my father-in-law ended up paying them. My father-in-law fell out with me last year, but I don't know if that has anything to do with it.

 

I'm in a really bad situation. I've been trying to find work, or some way of making money that will fit in with school time, 1.30 - 5.30. We live in Brazil. There's a bad recession on, and inflation seems worse than ever. It's very much still a third world country here despite anything you might have heard. I've lived here 6 years. I've been suffering emotional and financial abuse from the offset. This is just to try and give you a bit of background.

 

So, thank God school fees are covered, but there's a catch. His Aunty is a super difficult person. A bully basically. And the school, although I got to choose the school (because my husband had't thought to look at any schools, and his aunt had for once stayed out of it), I am now having second thoughts about it. It's now one week into the new school year and I'm starting to discover things about their ideology that I deeply disagree with. Last year they just let them play all afternoon, and gave us fun projects to do with them at home. I imagined that's what they were going to carry on doing this year, as they're only 3 years old, and school isn't mandatory here until age 6. But we've started getting homework sheets every night now, and some of the content is disturbingly sexist. So I had a meeting with the co-ordinators about it, in which they exposed some very narrow minded views. I then found out that her class mate's mother had moved him to another school this year precisely for this reason.

 

I haven't brought it up with my husband as he will blow up. His Aunty I can only predict will refuse point blank to listen to me, as she has done in the past with other issues, like perfumed nappies but that's another story. She just believes that relationships must be built on control, rather than trust.

 

There's a lot more I can post about on here, but I'll leave it at this for now.

 

Really happy I've discovered this site. Have read about lots of problems on here I identify with, and lots of thoughtful advice. Please refrain from reminding me what a fool I've been - I need to stay focused on how to get out of this, not how I got into it.

 

Thank you all so much for existing in this world. I really need you right now.

[Lobouspo]

Earlybird,

 

 

Welcome to LS. Do you have any support system (family, friends) that you can go to? At some point you are going to have to go to your husband, and vet out your concerns. Right now concentrate and being the best possible mother you can be, and taking steps where you can be more financially independent.

[GunslingerRoland]

I've never heard of homework for a 3 year old... what kind of content in it, that is sexist?

 

 

Where do you come from originally?

 

 

It sounds like there are some major cultural barriers between you and your in-laws and the country in general...

[RRM321]

Same initial inquiry that others have made.. also, I would suggest some perspective regarding "gifts."

 

Paying for schooling that isn't necessary or required is support of a different character than that of paying for mandated expenses. (I would not buy you a new hat if you were hungry.)

 

Stay aware of places where you have some control over the extent people can manipulate. It will help you make the most of whatever support is available and direct you to your best and most sincere network.

[GunslingerRoland]

RRM makes a really good point. Preschool actually has been shown to do relatively little as far as effecting how well someone will do in their life success wise. Especially putting them in at 3 years old, it'll be glorified day care. You may be better off just paying for child care for the full day, so you have more options of jobs.

[Earlybird]

RRM makes a really good point. Preschool actually has been shown to do relatively little as far as effecting how well someone will do in their life success wise. Especially putting them in at 3 years old, it'll be glorified day care. You may be better off just paying for child care for the full day, so you have more options of jobs.

 

I have been trying to work out the difference between "pre-escolar" and "creche", and after much research, I think there is no difference here where I live. The price certainly is no different. In fact I think the schools may get a government subsidy on the condition that they follow certain guidelines, including homework, which would explain why all the creches within walking distance from me have shut down or moved to a different district with cheaper rent. I did read somewhere that the definition of creche is somewhere they can go up to 3 years of age, but the creches I've seen went up to age 6, just like the pre-schools. If there was a creche available to me, I would choose it over a school as I like the mixed age groups they tend to have there.

 

I have, however, now discovered a "public" school nearby. It is free. But there's a waiting list, and I've just missed applying for this year. It's run on a kind of lottery selection process. I don't know if I'll ever get in now, as I'm sure they give preference to pre-existing students, so someone her age will have to drop out before they let someone new start. I put her on the waiting list today, but there are 4 kids in front of her. From what I gathered, they have a kind of shuffle once a year, in December. In any case, if I do get her in, it will be war against my husband as he is a total snob and when I tried to reason with him he said she would get raped and kidnapped at an "escola publica". He bases his opinions on gossip and sensationalist news stories, rather than statistics and actually going and having a look at the place and meeting the teachers and students, who, as it happens, were much more friendly, polite and bright-eyed than at any of the private schools I've looked at. Also, the clincher for me, they stay all day and are fed. But what my husband and his family will be more concerned with is the stigma of being seen wearing the public school uniform and going to school with black kids.

[GunslingerRoland]

My point is that 3 year olds don't really need to be in school regardless of what fancy name you put on it. They learn by playing at that age, and they can do that at home, in a daycare, or in a preschool.

 

 

And I'm sorry but your husband sounds very racist. That may be common where you live... but that doesn't change what it is.

[Earlybird]

Earlybird,

 

 

Welcome to LS. Do you have any support system (family, friends) that you can go to? At some point you are going to have to go to your husband, and vet out your concerns. Right now concentrate and being the best possible mother you can be, and taking steps where you can be more financially independent.

 

I'm overwhelmed by how caring you are all being in your replies! Well, I think Loveshack is actually going to become a cornerstone of my support system, but I have also recently discovered a women's center I can go to in Salvador. I have started seeing a psychologist there once a week, and they said they'd also get me some legal support. I had thought I couldn't show up there without at least a black eye or a maniac husband chasing me with a machete! Especially being very obviously foreign, it just didn't occur to me I would qualify for help, but it turns out they are all ears, they seem to know a lot about all forms of domestic abuse including the more subtle forms, and I actually saw at least one other foreign woman there. I had thought that foreign women weren't stupid enough to marry in Brazil, which is why up until now I've been too shy to share my story, but it's starting to look like there are more women out here to come out of the woodwork. Before this, I had only ever met foreign men, who were living it up, having a whale of a time doing stuff they'd never get a way with in their own countries, but I only had one foreign female friend, and she was cast out of society like a witch for being a single mother (and not by choice, simply abandoned by her husband), so much so that she ended up having to re-locate, and I haven't managed to maintain contact with her since.

[Earlybird]

I've never heard of homework for a 3 year old... what kind of content in it, that is sexist?

 

 

Where do you come from originally?

 

 

It sounds like there are some major cultural barriers between you and your in-laws and the country in general...

 

I come from the UK, so a much more liberal background, although I do come from the North, which is historically industrial.

 

I'm living in the North-East of Brazil, which is very different from the rest of the country, with a strong colonial influence. Crime is significantly higher, the rich-poor divide shockingly wider, unemployment, poverty, etc. It's feels like the rest of Brazil would rather just for get this part of it exists. I'd definitely class the North-East as third-world.

 

So, anyway, the homework was part of a module on identity, and was supposed to help them identify their own gender (as if they don't already know!). They had a cartoon picture of two kids in identical underwear, the only difference was one had a crew cut and the other had pigtails and ear studs. They were asked "Are you a boy or a girl? Paint the corresponding picture".

 

Well, my daughter is the only girl in her class without earrings, as I didn't feel good about piercing her ears as a baby, and now she's got old enough to ask for them I can't find a piercing studio that can do both ears at once. It just so happens her hair took its time to grow too. In fact she's the odd one out in a lot of ways. For instance, she's the only kid in the school without a nanny. Conversely, she loves it there though, and is teacher's pet...I just worry what this place is going to do to her in the long term.

[Earlybird]

 

And I'm sorry but your husband sounds very racist. That may be common where you live... but that doesn't change what it is.

 

I agree with you. It may surprise you though, that my husband is black. I see it as a kind of manifestation of the pride he feels for his family having finally come up in the world after a struggle that lasted for generations, and a clinging to ones social status for fear of losing it. Black is the majority race in our city, but he was the only black kid in his college. Sometimes he's proud to be black, but it depends on the context. I'm sure he wouldn't mind our daughter taking part in some project or event that celebrates black culture, but this is about sending her to a school which black kids tend to go to because it's all they can afford, or because their mothers need to work.