Telling a new partner that you were involved in an affair

[lemondrop21]

For those who have A's in their past and have had new partners since - have you disclosed your involvement in an affair to your new partner? At what stage in the relationship? Why or why not?

[minimariah]

well... i'm not the one you're asking opinions from, Lemon - never had an affair... LOL, buuuuuuuut i will chime in and offer a different perspective! (i totally do that a lot lately.)

 

i'm currently dating a man who had an affair - he told me right away. it was on our third date (our dates are SUPER long, we talk about EVERYTHING) and we started talking about love and infidelity in general... he was honest and it was refreshing. it opened up many new topics and interesting conversations so that's a really good thing.

 

my point: i think you'll feel when to tell the new partner. when the right moment comes along, when the right topic of your previous relationships comes up... you'll know. be confident and honest and it will be just fine.

[SSJROMANCE]

I have never had an affair but here is what would happened if my new partner admitted one:

 

 

<Setting is out for a romance dinner - lobster and wine>

 

Me: …so now that I told you in more detail all about me tell me a little bit more about yourself.

Date: Well I guess the one thing I didn't tell you was that my ex-husband dumped me because he found out that I was having an affair with his brother.

Me: Waiter! Check please.

[Midwestmissy]

Ssjromance - that's who my husband had an affair with!! - I'm not sure what ickier: her sleeping with her husband's brother or the brother sleeping with his brother's wife. She divorced #1, married the brother-in-law and then cheated on him with (at the very least) my husband. Ain't love grand? Actually the worst part was that my wh slept with her knowing her history. He said it confirmed 2 things for him in his warped head: she was no discriminating in who she slept with therefore easy, and that this affair was harmless since he would never leave his family for her nor ever respect her. And that says a lot about him.

 

What was funny was she wrote out the whole story in an email and swore my wh to secrecy. It was like honey boo boo crazy. I've always wondered what holiday dinners at grandmas house were like, seating arrangement-wise.

[elaine567]

I haven't had an affair, but I have never had to provide a list of past lovers in chronological order, for anyone I have been dating or in a relationship with, so why would you ever need to mention an affair?

 

I think this is just a need in you, to keep the affair somehow real and uppermost in your thoughts and an excuse to keep talking about it to anyone who will listen - including future lovers - as opposed to being any real requirement for dating.

[Popsicle]

The last thing I'd want to talk about with my new love, is my involvement with xMM. I'd be too into the new guy (and excited about that). I wouldn't enjoy listening to my new guy talk about his past relationship either. That's just how I am. We have so many other more pleasant things to talk about. Like us.

[Ms. Faust]

I told, but it wasn't all at once, it was just as things progressed in our relationship, and it was while we were discussing fidelity. I would advocate being upfront, but I can totally understand people not wanting to be. Some like to hash out their entire relationships history, while others don't see the need in bringing it up.

 

I did feel it was prudent to bring it up in my case.

[Majormisstep]

I went on a date with a man last summer. Nice glass of wine, appetizers, light conversation of how long we were single etc..then he said:

 

"I'm just going to put it out there...I had an affair on my (now ex) wife, actually several, with 25-26 year old women".

 

We are both in our 50's.

 

Me: Waiter, cheque please!

[road]

Normally it is best to not talk about past dating relationships.

 

 

However, did you live together, married before, why did the marriage end, were you a OM/OW, jail time, are all things that raise red flags and can be deal breakers.

[Lady2163]

I had three bad relationships after my divorce and now in the last 13 years my only "relationship" was with xMM. It's been over for some time now.

 

I haven't reached a point where I've had to talk about xMM.

 

Ten years ago, I did quite a bit of swinging. I had sex with several MM, but with wife permission. I'm pretty honest about that if the conversation comes up.

 

I've reached that age where I don't care about their sexual past as long as it doesn't impact the present or the future. I kind of expect the same courtesy. The three bad relationships after my divorce (and my marriage) left me with emotional baggage, but I'm pretty good at identifying men who have the potential to push those buttons.

 

Some of the things I've said...

 

"I've been divorced for X number of years. He lives 2000 miles away. We talk maybe at most six times a year. We haven't seen each other in 5-6 years and I have no immediate plans to see him. We are friendly with each other, no drama. We divorced because we had different goals."

 

"I dated an addict for way too long. He was very smooth in parting me from money and had excuse after excuse why he was late calling or getting home. He cheated on me numerous times."

 

"I dated a man who was an avid sports fan. He spent more time on his hobby and hanging out with the boys than with me. Friday was high school game, Saturday was numerous college games, Sunday was professional games. During the week there could be pro games or JV games at the high school. That was too much for me."

 

Those statements all deal with emotional history rather than sexual history and I wouldn't disclose those all at the same time, but I'd like to think it tells men I'm not a shrew with my Ex, I don't loan money, I'm not interested in an addict and that I won't play second fiddle to a hobby.

[Bufo]

My now wife was OW to MM before we met. She confessed this to me one troubling night. Somewhat reluctantly but she told me as we got "serious" about eachother. Her biggest point of resistance wAs telling me his name. That was disclosed at my insistence but she was so overwroght that I never asked her the questions I still had in my mind. That, unbeknownst to her, caused a substantial delay in our engagement. I had to figure out if it was truly over or whether I was a rebound bf. Years later I saw her reading his obituary without a hint of a tear.

 

As this was the second such confession. I'd received from a girlfriend I did not overreact. But if you see a future with a man I'd strongly suggest that your history be disclosed. Maybe my wife felt she shouldn't keep a dirty secret from me. Or maybe she feared disclosure to me from a third party. Or maybe she realized she had to find out if it was a deal breaker for me. I never asked her why she told me.

 

No need to tell casual dates about your past. But please don't keep it a perpetual secret.

[SolG]

my point: i think you'll feel when to tell the new partner. when the right moment comes along, when the right topic of your previous relationships comes up... you'll know. be confident and honest and it will be just fine.

 

Totally agree with you mini :-) For me there's a point in every relationship where you make the decision that this is someone you want to pursue real intimacy with. And for me that means being prepared to open up and share of yourself; who you truly are and how you came to be that way. And part of that process is sharing about past relationships and the role they played in growth and understanding. So yes, I will ALWAYS share about my A (just as I would my M, etc).

 

In fact it's a sign to me that if I can't share my true self and be vulnerable... then this person isn't for me.

Edited February 19, 2016 by SolG

[Lady2163]

My now wife was OW to MM before we met. She confessed this to me one troubling night. Somewhat reluctantly but she told me as we got "serious" about eachother. Her biggest point of resistance wAs telling me his name. That was disclosed at my insistence but she was so overwroght that I never asked her the questions I still had in my mind. That, unbeknownst to her, caused a substantial delay in our engagement. I had to figure out if it was truly over or whether I was a rebound bf. Years later I saw her reading his obituary without a hint of a tear.

 

As this was the second such confession. I'd received from a girlfriend I did not overreact. But if you see a future with a man I'd strongly suggest that your history be disclosed. Maybe my wife felt she shouldn't keep a dirty secret from me. Or maybe she feared disclosure to me from a third party. Or maybe she realized she had to find out if it was a deal breaker for me. I never asked her why she told me.

 

No need to tell casual dates about your past. But please don't keep it a perpetual secret.

 

Oh, I think if you and partner socialize in some setting, Church, service group, work colleagues etc. and there are previous partners your new partner should know. And sooner rather than later. I also think if new partner has social media friends who are previous partners, that should be disclosed as well. Actually, any contact with previous ones should be out in the open.

 

But, if this is someone I have no contact with and no desire to go into details, I doubt any manner of "insistence" would get me to discuss it. Listen, I may be 50 and fat (well, almost) but I know what I bring to the table. IF I ever got to a point where a fiancée or husband was pressing me for details and wouldn't accept that what I was telling him was the truth without knowing a name, there's other issues.

 

Again, I'm pretty upfront about my swinging experiences. If that doesn't scare off a man interested in me, then I might be comfortable discussing being an OW.

[elaine567]

Totally agree with you mini :-) For me there's a point in every relationship where you make the decision that this is someone you want to pursue real intimacy with. And for me that means being prepared to open up and share of yourself; who you truly are and how you came to be that way. And part of that process is sharing about past relationships and the role they played in growth and understanding. So yes, I will ALWAYS share about my A (just as I would my M, etc).

 

In fact it's a sign to me that if I can't share my true self and be vulnerable... then this person isn't for me.

 

OK but what about affairs that have had no D-day, affairs where the BS is still blissfully unaware.

[SolG]

OK but what about affairs that have had no D-day, affairs where the BS is still blissfully unaware.

 

Hmmmmm good question :-/ While it's outside my field of experience so I can only be hypothetical... My gut feeling is that I would still disclose and discuss. I think if I cared for the new interest I would feel incredibly disingenuous if I didn't. I truly believe when we withold of ourselves we rob a new potential partner of the agency to make meaningfully informed decisions about their path with us.

 

I have a counter question here for everyone who has said they would not tell. What if your new interest revealed revulsion of WSs and APs? What if you knew it was a deal breaker for them? Would you still not tell?

[Lady2163]

OK but what about affairs that have had no D-day, affairs where the BS is still blissfully unaware.

 

Interesting question. Bufo also brings up an interesting point of having the affair disclosed by a third person.

 

I did have a former friend disclose to a boyfriend I was an OW. This was years ago. He (the boyfriend) had cheated on his ex-wife. My friend just assumed that I had told him EVERYTHING about my life. I hadn't felt the need to. I did say to him, "it's been over for a long time, but is there anything you want to ask or need to know?" He didn't.

 

Which does come back to how many people in your life know about the liaison? How many people know specific details?

 

In the situation where there was no Dday and the BS is blissfully unaware, I would also be hard pressed to give up a name. Horror of horrors, if that relationship went south - the damage my now ex could do - I don't want to think about it.

 

As I type this, it is a bit hard to imagine as a single person what I would do differently in my current life if I was part of a couple. If I was in a situation where my tablet and phone could be shared or viewed by someone else, I would clear the memory, sign out of Loveshack and never be seen again.

[Lady2163]

Hmmmmm good question :-/ While it's outside my field of experience so I can only be hypothetical... My gut feeling is that I would still disclose and discuss. I think if I cared for the new interest I would feel incredibly disingenuous if I didn't. I truly believe when we withold of ourselves we rob a new potential partner of the agency to make meaningfully informed decisions about their path with us.

 

I have a counter question here for everyone who has said they would not tell. What if your new interest revealed revulsion of WSs and APs? What if you knew it was a deal breaker for them? Would you still not tell?

 

Also a good question. While I have next to no drama in my life, I do personally acknowledge my baggage. Trust is a big one for me. In my experience, people who are hyper moralistic and judgmental are not exactly the people I'm going to attach myself to.

 

I mentioned I dated an addict. He was narcissistic and abusive. Over and over again he stressed loyalty and fidelity. I mean DAILY stressed his expectations as to my behavior. There were plenty of times his addled mind perceived some disloyal action or a threat to monogamy. After the relationship ended, there were times it felt like people were lining up to tell me about all the things he said behind my back and how many other women he wooed and slept with.

 

Since that experience, I have moved several ladders up the socio economic and education ladder. And I've observed that people who constantly stress a moral or specific behavior may frequently be guilty of not towing the line. It's a special kind of hypocrisy and it does span all levels of education and income. I consider it a huge red flag when someone starts spouting about some high moral standard and yet their actions don't match.

 

Best guess, if I was getting serious with someone and they spoke of their distaste for WS and AP, I would probably give it a few days to settle. I'd decide during that time what I am willing to disclose. If I feel to stay with this person would be a perpetual lie and I'd have to be perpetually on guard, that's no way for me to live.

[Bufo]

My insistence on disclosure of the name was due to my justifiable concern that it was someone I knew or crossed professional paths with. I declined her offer that "there is no way you know him" by explaining to her that she didn't know everybody I knew, especially that early in our relationship. Would a deal breaker have occurred if it had been a professional acquaintance? I don't know with certainty, but it would have certainly resulted in a hiatus in the relationship.

 

As events turned out I didn't know him.

 

Refusal to provide the name when asked would have been very strong evidence that she was still in the affair, at least on an emotional level. I just would have refused to continue as I wasn't going to waste my time and effort fighting a phantom. And the paths of our lives would have been much different for better or worse.

 

That's why I suggested disclosure of the history if you are getting serious. While it may seem troubling for even traumatic, I never brought it up with her again

There is no need in my opinion to disclose all the dirty details as most people have a past. Failing to tell is in my opinion the premarital equivalent of TT. Done mostly to protect the teller rather than the listener.

Edited February 20, 2016 by Bufo
Darn autocorrect isn't always right!

[Lovetoohard]

I am not dating anyone exclusively right now, but i've often thought about what I might do if I met Mr. Right and we were getting serious. I don't think I would disclose the A in the early stages of dating. For me, the A was a one-off situation and something that will never be a repeat performance and to explain such a bad mistake as well as the complexity of the reasons behind it to someone who doesn't know me that well during the early stages of dating would make me look crazy. I wouldn't want the guy hastily judging me as a lying floozy. On the other hand, if I were to get into a serious relationship, I wouldn't want to keep anything from the guy and as hard as it would be, I would disclose this to him. I would simply stick to the basic facts about how I had a close co-worker friend and he was unhappy in his M and we ended up in a relationship but that in spite of the feelings and talks about a potential future, he wouldn't/could't leave the M. The guy may be hurt by the omission and may not understand why I didn't say anything sooner, but I think if the relationship had a solid foundation and he knew me for who I really was, then I think the disclosure wouldn't necessarily result in him thinking the worst of me. I just know that if I were in his position, I'd want to know. Everyone makes mistakes. It's a part of life. I think being honest and owning those mistakes is what matters.

[Lady2163]

My insistence on disclosure of the name was due to my justifiable concern that it was someone I knew or crossed professional paths with. I declined her offer that "there is no way you know him" by explaining to her that she didn't know everybody I knew, especially that early in our relationship. Would a deal breaker have occurred if it had been a professional acquaintance? I don't know with certainty, but it would have certainly resulted in a hiatus in the relationship.

 

As events turned out I didn't know him.

 

Refusal to provide the name when asked would have been very strong evidence that she was still in the affair, at least on an emotional level. I just would have refused to continue as I wasn't going to waste my time and effort fighting a phantom. And the paths of our lives would have been much different for better or worse.

 

That's why I suggested disclosure of the history if you are getting serious. While it may seem troubling for even traumatic, I never brought it up with her again

There is no need in my opinion to disclose all the dirty details as most people have a past. Failing to tell is in my opinion the premarital equivalent of TT. Done mostly to protect the teller rather than the listener.

 

While I'm sure to you, your reasons are logical and well-thought out, but as I read your comments, I just know your personality and mine would clash.

 

I don't know that I would be all that forthcoming with first and last names of my previous boyfriends - especially when things ended badly.

 

For you, it was a deal breaker. If she hadn't told you his name, you would have ended the relationship. This is because you *feel* she might have still had feelings for him. Oh - and you didn't want to be *uncomfortable* in a professional setting if you encountered him. I guess if you encountered a previous boyfriend of hers professionally, that would have been okay.

 

And if I was in her position, now today, I would *feel* like you didn't trust me. If I told you he lived 400 miles away and you were in different occupations and had different hobbies and you still insisted on the name, we'd be done. I don't negotiate with terrorists - I don't know if you threatened to break up with her or not. 15 years ago, i would have rolled over and given up the name, but the relationship would have been doomed. I'm a lot more stubborn and set in my ways now.

 

Again, I've been divorced and casually single for a long time. If I met a man in my similar situation (being single, not an OM), I'd probably take that leap of faith that he's had some casual, good friends with benefits. I'd want to also make sure they were over and done with - and no psychos or drama queens, but I don't think I'd need to know the names of every single person he's been with in the last 20 years.

[HappyAgain2014]

I told my now husband about my affair very early in the relationship. I spent all my time in an affair with lies and secrecy so I wasn't going to start a relationship with a single man with lies.

 

I'm a good person who made a mistake. If he couldn't understand that, he wouldn't have been the right person for me.

[dreamingoftigers]

Ssjromance - that's who my husband had an affair with!! - I'm not sure what ickier: her sleeping with her husband's brother or the brother sleeping with his brother's wife. She divorced #1, married the brother-in-law and then cheated on him with (at the very least) my husband. Ain't love grand? Actually the worst part was that my wh slept with her knowing her history. He said it confirmed 2 things for him in his warped head: she was no discriminating in who she slept with therefore easy, and that this affair was harmless since he would never leave his family for her nor ever respect her. And that says a lot about him.

 

What was funny was she wrote out the whole story in an email and swore my wh to secrecy. It was like honey boo boo crazy. I've always wondered what holiday dinners at grandmas house were like, seating arrangement-wise.

 

I have an ex-friend who I've written about in other threads who cheated on her husband with BOTH brothers. After the split, the ex-H moved in with one of his brothers. WTF?

 

Since she isn't with any of the brothers anymore and started to date she begged me to never tell anyone she dated about it.

 

I guess that's what some use as a strategy.

[underpants]

Ssjromance - that's who my husband had an affair with!! - I'm not sure what ickier: her sleeping with her husband's brother or the brother sleeping with his brother's wife. She divorced #1, married the brother-in-law and then cheated on him with (at the very least) my husband. Ain't love grand? Actually the worst part was that my wh slept with her knowing her history. He said it confirmed 2 things for him in his warped head: she was no discriminating in who she slept with therefore easy, and that this affair was harmless since he would never leave his family for her nor ever respect her. And that says a lot about him.

 

What was funny was she wrote out the whole story in an email and swore my wh to secrecy. It was like honey boo boo crazy. I've always wondered what holiday dinners at grandmas house were like, seating arrangement-wise.

 

What is funny is that you stayed. To each's own I suppose?

 

As I've aged I listen more. Some of the most "I was wronged...Im the victim...I have integrity...peeps in real life seem to be projecting a most secret life they don't realize I am aware of...and I find I don't care.

 

I recently met a man who just celebrated his 50th wedding anniversary. His response..."there is no love, I don't love her". She sits beside him looking mad and obligated. Hilarious.

[elaine567]

On the other hand, if I were to get into a serious relationship, I wouldn't want to keep anything from the guy and as hard as it would be, I would disclose this to him. I would simply stick to the basic facts about how I had a close co-worker friend and he was unhappy in his M and we ended up in a relationship but that in spite of the feelings and talks about a potential future, he wouldn't/could't leave the M. The guy may be hurt by the omission and may not understand why I didn't say anything sooner, but I think if the relationship had a solid foundation and he knew me for who I really was, then I think the disclosure wouldn't necessarily result in him thinking the worst of me. I just know that if I were in his position, I'd want to know. Everyone makes mistakes. It's a part of life. I think being honest and owning those mistakes is what matters.

 

I think you are looking at this from your perspective as a "cheater", and somewhat minimizing your affair. To a "non cheater"(and the assumption is that your potential partner is a non-cheater), he will find it difficult after such an admission, to trust you, even at your work, and that is a big deal for many.