What am I to this guy?

[whoiam2016]

So... I am married have been for 6 years now. My husband treats me like a Queen and we have a great sex life. I recently became involved in an affair with his best friend whom is also married and I can't make any sense of what we have going on. This friend of my husband's was not someone who caught my eye right off, it took a couple years of us hanging out at social functions before I saw that we had a spark. He would always manage to get me alone and say something inappropriate, like your so sexy etc.

 

I always shrugged it off, until he texted me one day saying he had a dream about me. I probably should have never responded but I did and I feel like it opened the door to the affair that has happened. He had a burner phone that he kept hidden from his wife that he would message me from all day everyday. He would ask about my day just getting to know about me and it of course went into sexting from there. Then it led to meeting up, usually about once a month and we never had sex but we would fool around.

 

It wasn't always let's rip each others clothes off it could be just him putting his hand on my leg, or grabbing my hand, sometimes he would just want a kiss. He told me that he wanted to be with me, hang out with me, was getting a divorce that I was the best ever and could I trust him when it mattered. Seems pretty serious... until he ended up moving several states away with his wife which he promised he wasn't going to do. Of course cutting that connection off was very hard, how do you go from seeing someone so often and talking to them practically everyday to them being far away. I have since went to visit a few times since I am friends with them and again, he will touch my hand or give me a stolen kiss. He still texts me once a week to just check in, see how I am doing etc.

 

I pushed him away when he moved and wrote a text that poured my heart out and when we finally saw each other he said that it hurt his feelings to read my message and that he always wanted me to think of him being someone I care for, he wants to pleasure me. This guy literally drives me insane, there is no denying we have chemistry you can feel it when we are together. What am I to this guy?? Obviously, it's not a booty call he doesn't live here anymore. Any advice would be helpful

Edited February 20, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Furious]

You ask "what am I to this guy"?

 

You are the same as him, equals in deception. He's your husband's best friend? No he's not your husband's best friend and you're neither your husband's friend.

 

Before trying to figure this "guy" out , I hope you try to figure yourself out.

 

Also, seems this "guy" has been around the block and I doubt you were his first of last affair.

Edited February 20, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Full quote redacted

[Gigi2015]

I think you are mirror images of each other and should wind up together. You deserve each other.

[whoiam2016]

Well I am not saying my actions are innocent, it was completely wrong. I am just trying to deal with my emotions and let go of this very complicated situation. I feel like people are very judgmental and quick to throw you under the bus when they have never been in a situation like this and kuddos to you if you never have to. I just like to analyze and make sense of everything and maybe I won't be his last affair but a sex related affair I get, it makes sense how and why it is happening. I just didn't understand what we had and why would a guy keep hanging on with no benefits, thought maybe someone could offer advice and not judge.

[among the pines]

Whoiam2016 - I am sorry you are getting judged so harshly. I tend to over analyse things myself when it comes to my prior recent relationship. I am a SOW who got involved with a MM in an EA for several months before it became physical (I called it off a few months ago). All I can offer is please stop driving yourself crazy trying to diagnosis the circumstances.

 

I am not married, but I broke up with him because I had a lot of guilt over the relationship. We continued to talk after that for a while, but it really wasn't healthy for my state of mind.

 

I would attempt to get him out of your mind and system (easier said than done, I know) by going NC and focus on your husband and why you were pulled into this. Unless you aren't happy being married to him. In which case I would tell him so you can part ways and let both of you find someone else.

 

As for the no sex thing, perhaps he just wants a diversion from the reality of his day to day life and you are an outlet for thaT. EA's can be just as damaging if not more so than PA's. That's the way mine was.

Edited February 19, 2016 by among the pines

[hippychick3]

You are an ego booster for him. Nothing more and nothing less.

 

Your poor deluded husband.

[imsosad]

Something about the eay you describe this guy screams control to me. Some guys equate sex with power and dominance. It doesnt matter if it is not a bootie call, it is about him knowing that he could have sex with you.Maybe getting with you was a way for him to one up your husband.

It is clear he is a serial cheater (burner phone?wth?)

I know you're confused. Thing is, it doesn't matter what you are to him. Reverse your question. What is he to you?

Why do you need it?

It is a wake up call to you to asses you marriage and your emotional life.

I think he checks in with you to make sure you're still in to him.

He sounds like very bad news.

I think you should try and figure out what drove you to this point.

Analyzing him is pointless.

[Lady2163]

Whew - it always reminds me when I read other OW stories, that so many of us had the chance to NOT make that leap. Your door was blown off the hinges when you stepped into the "I had a dream about you conversation."

 

I think you are this man's sounding board. Depending on his lifestyle, you may be his best friend. I don't know if I would call it an EA or not. You're part of his weekly routine.

 

Even after xMM and I ended things sexually, we still talked, texted and emailed multiple times a day for easily a couple of months afterwards. I was someone who asked him about his day, didn't expect him to be father, husband, boss, leader etc. They weren't deep conversations, but they were a break in his day. Maybe he just needed someone without expectations to chat with a decompress for a few minutes.

[Redhead14]

So... I am married have been for 6 years now. My husband treats me like a Queen and we have a great sex life. I recently became involved in an affair with his best friend whom is also married and I can't make any sense of what we have going on. This friend of my husband's was not someone who caught my eye right off, it took a couple years of us hanging out at social functions before I saw that we had a spark. He would always manage to get me alone and say something inappropriate, like your so sexy etc. I always shrugged it off, until he texted me one day saying he had a dream about me. I probably should have never responded but I did and I feel like it opened the door to the affair that has happened. He had a burner phone that he kept hidden from his wife that he would message me from all day everyday. He would ask about my day just getting to know about me and it of course went into sexting from there. Then it led to meeting up, usually about once a month and we never had sex but we would fool around. It wasn't always let's rip each others clothes off it could be just him putting his hand on my leg, or grabbing my hand, sometimes he would just want a kiss. He told me that he wanted to be with me, hang out with me, was getting a divorce that I was the best ever and could I trust him when it mattered. Seems pretty serious... until he ended up moving several states away with his wife which he promised he wasn't going to do. Of course cutting that connection off was very hard, how do you go from seeing someone so often and talking to them practically everyday to them being far away. I have since went to visit a few times since I am friends with them and again, he will touch my hand or give me a stolen kiss. He still texts me once a week to just check in, see how I am doing etc. I pushed him away when he moved and wrote a text that poured my heart out and when we finally saw each other he said that it hurt his feelings to read my message and that he always wanted me to think of him being someone I care for, he wants to pleasure me. This guy literally drives me insane, there is no denying we have chemistry you can feel it when we are together. What am I to this guy?? Obviously, it's not a booty call he doesn't live here anymore. Any advice would be helpful

 

Obviously, it's not a booty call he doesn't live here anymore. -- he craves attention, being made to feel like he is a man. It's an ego boost. And, while he may not live near you anymore, he is keeping that line open for the possibilities. He's basically stringing you along until . . . It's probably likely that you aren't the only one he's getting his entertainment from.

 

He is a man who has no respect for you or the institution of marriage. You are getting a birdseye view of this man's character and integrity. Distance yourself from him in every way if you have any respect for yourself and your husband/family.

 

Reflect on the reasons for any interest you had in this man and entertaining any form of attention from him. This is giving you a clue about things that maybe lacking for you in your marriage. It is actually an opportunity for you to focus on your relationship and forestall, prevent, repair any cracks in the relationship and identify needs that you have that aren't being met.

[Popsicle]

It's interesting to me that some WS's are absolutely sure that their AP loved them, whereas others are unsure and question. I wonder what separates the two? Especially since most of these affairs all seem to follow the same patterns.

[stillafool]

Well I am not saying my actions are innocent, it was completely wrong. I am just trying to deal with my emotions and let go of this very complicated situation. I feel like people are very judgmental and quick to throw you under the bus when they have never been in a situation like this and kuddos to you if you never have to. I just like to analyze and make sense of everything and maybe I won't be his last affair but a sex related affair I get, it makes sense how and why it is happening. I just didn't understand what we had and why would a guy keep hanging on with no benefits, thought maybe someone could offer advice and not judge.

 

Well I'm glad you realize this! Why on earth would you have an affair on a husband who treats you like a queen and gives you good sex? Why would you hurt him by sleeping with his best friend? Aren't you ashamed?

 

To answer your question this man sees you as an easy lay. Nothing more.

[Popsicle]

Well, lets not pretend that plenty of WS's don't "love their husband/wife very much" yet still cheat on them. We hear that here everyday. It's just a way of emphasizing "I'm not leaving my marriage".

 

I am wondering why this MM got with his best friends wife. Sounds like he doesn't like his friend all that much.

Edited February 19, 2016 by Popsicle

[Midwestmissy]

What was he to you? Honestly would like to know.

[AngeliqueC]

Hon, the way you describe him and his behavior screams to me that you are just "another notch in the belt". I'd lay money that you aren't the first gal he's treated this way and you won't be the last. Stay as far way from him as possible before YOUR life is ruined - it won't ruin his at all, I promise.

[imperfectangel]

It's interesting to me that some WS's are absolutely sure that their AP loved them, whereas others are unsure and question. I wonder what separates the two? Especially since most of these affairs all seem to follow the same patterns.

 

I think it comes down to how much self confidence you have and some do genuinely trust their APs. I know I used to believe everything my MM used to tell me he could've told me the sky was green and I would've never questioned him

[whichwayisup]

This guy is NOT your husband's "best friend". Not anymore, that stopped the minute he hit on you and you two began an affair.

 

What are you to him? What is he to you? Seems you both are using each other for various reasons.

 

Anyway, you feed his ego, you make him feel alive and lustful/sexy. I'm sure his reasons are similar to yours except most men are able to separate love and sex, most woman can't.

 

Most who are replying are giving you good advice, even if it's harsh or hard to read, the reality is you've put your whole life as you know it at risk. Your husband, children if you have any, the house, mutual friends, in laws, your immediate family - ALL of it for an affair. Some day this may blow up in your face so if/when that happens own it. Don't blame your H, and don't put all the blame on your MM either, you and MM both are equally at fault for choosing to have an affair.

[whichwayisup]

Hon, the way you describe him and his behavior screams to me that you are just "another notch in the belt". I'd lay money that you aren't the first gal he's treated this way and you won't be the last. Stay as far way from him as possible before YOUR life is ruined - it won't ruin his at all, I promise.

 

Oh if her life is ruined (if a Dday happens) his will be ruined too and his wife will also find out about it. Affairs that involve friends/best friends ALL are affected and the fallout is huge, much more personal and double betrayal.

[whoiam2016]

I do feel guilty, I guess since my husband was the only person I had ever been with I always wondered what the other side looked like. It isn't like this is the first guy to hit on me, I have confidence I don't really know what he was to me. Maybe he seemed dangerous compared to my cookie cutter life. I know he is no good for me, I have thought about the consequences if things ever got out. I just don't like the fact of him still hanging on, if it's really so cut and dry and he has multi people like some of you are saying why in the world would you keep checking in with me to see how I am doing. I never was a notch in the bed post either, we never had sex. I made it very clear that I had feelings and having sex would complicate the situation more and he respected me and never tried to push the issue. I have went to counseling for this and I am on a better path, I don't reach out to him like I did before, it's always him now. Maybe he is alone and we are both screwed up in the head and he can trust me to be his friend and not let his skeletons out. I appreciate all the advice given on here even the haters cause I need strength to ignore him and move past all this. Him moving was a great thing because if he had stayed I feel things would be way more messed up than they are now and he is the type to run away which is exactly what I think happened. Things got real and he got scared, I have to pick myself up and stay strong.

[Ruffian1]

it hurt his feelings to read my message and that he always wanted me to think of him being someone I care for, he wants to pleasure me.

 

 

 

 

See how he turned it around and made it about HIM?

 

 

He wants and needs you to still see him as some great, honest man who brings only positive things into your life

 

 

Is that how you see him?

[whoiam2016]

Honestly, he hasn't ever lied to me about anything. Extremely upfront and he would always tell me that he cared about what I thought of him. Since he had a shady past, could I ever trust him because of that. He never lied about it, he even told me stuff I wasn't aware of so I feel like I am his one person he can say whatever and not get any judgements. Do I think he is the best guy...No. Does everyone have a past...Yes. He would always get upset if someone said something to me cause he didn't want me to see him in a bad light, if he was a player he cared a lot about changing his image to me. I went into this whole thing calling him out for being a player/shady and I think he was trying to change himself. Last time I visited he said he wanted me to move with him...what do you say to that??? Um were still married is what I said to it...I am trying to keep away.

[Redhead14]

Honestly, he hasn't ever lied to me about anything. Extremely upfront and he would always tell me that he cared about what I thought of him. Since he had a shady past, could I ever trust him because of that. He never lied about it, he even told me stuff I wasn't aware of so I feel like I am his one person he can say whatever and not get any judgements. Do I think he is the best guy...No. Does everyone have a past...Yes. He would always get upset if someone said something to me cause he didn't want me to see him in a bad light, if he was a player he cared a lot about changing his image to me. I went into this whole thing calling him out for being a player/shady and I think he was trying to change himself. Last time I visited he said he wanted me to move with him...what do you say to that??? Um were still married is what I said to it...I am trying to keep away.

 

You opened this thread by saying your husband treats you like a Queen and your sex life is great and proceeded to say you were more or less cheating, emotionally. We told you that he is probably just seeking an ego boost. But, guess what, that's probably what its about for you as well.

You say your marriage is great, but there IS some need of yours that isn't being met somewhere. If you're bored or feeling like you are being taken for granted, then you need to turn your focus to those needs and then work from within the marriage to have them met.

 

No one here 'hates" you, they hate the behavior. And, most of the time, the person who's behavior is being hated, simply needs to hear it in an unsugarcoated way in order for them to really get real with themselves and look more inward to evaluate the reasons for that behavior. yes, you've been to counseling and you may very well be doing better. The fact that you are still even thinking about this and not being more proactive says you aren't addressing the real reasons that this even happened.

 

Honestly, he hasn't ever lied to me about anything. Extremely upfront and he would always tell me that he cared about what I thought of him. Since he had a shady past, could I ever trust him because of that.

 

He is warning you. He knows who he is. And he's being upfront because he knows if a relationship with you ever came to fruition and his true self comes forth and you move on, he can say he told you so -- it's your own fault when you get hurt. He's managing his guilt on the front end . . .

 

I think he was trying to change himself. -- He is still married and trying to foster a relationship with someone else's wife!!!!!!! He isn't trying to change himself, he's trying to change/manage how he's being viewed to get what he wants. Manipulating.

I don't reach out to him like I did before, it's always him now. -- Stop responding! Block him from every angle, phone, email, FB, any SM and more importantly from your mind and heart.

[Lois_Griffin]

Last time I visited he said he wanted me to move with him...what do you say to that??? Um were still married is what I said to it...I am trying to keep away.

LOL. This fool does love to hear himself talk, doesn't he?

 

And all that lip service with the empty promises he makes because he knows you're both married and it's not like you'd actually make him fulfill those promises. Who is he kidding with that horse manure he's peddling?

 

This guy has no respect for anyone.