No good, very bad brother blows off weddings, attends funerals

[nescafe1982]

This is part rant, part venting, and part advice-seeking, so bear with me.

 

I have a no good, very bad brother. I'm no angel but I take family obligations very seriously, and when I got married last summer it was kind of important to me that my brother be there.

 

He's not a wealthy person (he struggles, and I understand that except when he DOES get two nickels together and he splurges on stupid **** like a pool table, an above ground swimming pool, a John Deere riding lawnmower, etc, yes, he's a hick).

 

Anyway, as my wedding date approached, he went from "of course my wife and I will be there; in fact, we're talking about taking a week off and making a vacation around it" to "well, maybe just the weekend" to "we can't come to your wedding unless you pay for us to travel there and put us up in a hotel."

 

I almost caved and paid his way, before getting pissed off at his manipulation. I told him that if he wanted a bail-out, he would have to ask our parents. I know, I know. That's kind of throwing my folks under the bus... but I was pretty mad about the situation and frankly, my parents hadn't contributed anything to the wedding, so if anyone might have some extra scratch, it would have been them.

 

Anyway, he asked, and my parents decided to make this the hill they would take a stand on. They've loaned him money for all kinds of dumb **** in the not-so-distant past, but this time, they said no. Because of course.

 

My brother didn't come to my wedding. And he played a victim about it, which was annoying... especially when two weeks after my wedding he and his wife went to Mexico for vacation. (eyeroll)

 

So my brother is no-good, very-bad. I keep my distance and haven't felt much like investing into this relationship. My parents tell me I'm the bad guy here... but I don't care what their take on it is.

 

Anyway, flash forward to now. My grandfather (who for most of my life was a surrogate father for me) passed after a long struggle with Parkinsons. Very sad... I flew out to the East Coast to sit with him in hospice until he passed (the Parkinsons got his throat and, unable to eat or drink, the only option was to deprive him until it happened). It was really hard. And the entire family came... except for no-good, very-bad brother. Because of course.

 

Well, the memorial will be this Spring (after it warms up, I guess this is an upper New England tradition). So the whole family is now planning the hows/whens of us all getting there: hotels, planes, etc.

 

Two things really pissed me off this morning:

An email from no good brother: "my wife and I are driving up; going to stay all week and make a vacation of it."

And another email, from my mom: "your brother can't afford the trip so your dad and I are paying his way. Can you recommend a hotel?"

 

Really?!

 

So, that's the rant and the vent. Here's where I would love advice. What kind of strategies can I start employing right now to avoid strangling someone when we're headed to the memorial service?

[Tayla]

A memorial service is a once in a Life time event to honor the departed. Your parents did well to see that the FAMILY gathers to show tribute.

 

Same could be said about your matrimony event. In this case he had fair notice for saving an attending. Two separate matters. That incident is on him.

 

How do you not strangle him? Easy, you remind yourself that til our last breaths we each have opportunities to make amends, Either him to you or vice versa, and until that day arrives, social civility takes precedence.

 

I have a sibling very much like this...and the reality is...when it comes to the major things in life, I still contribute, because who knows, maybe some day a light will come on and things will improve. But until then, I am certainly NOT going to contribute to creating a deeper wedge. Throwing salt on a wound rarely heals it.

[nescafe1982]

How do you not strangle him? Easy, you remind yourself that til our last breaths we each have opportunities to make amends, Either him to you or vice versa, and until that day arrives, social civility takes precedence.

 

I have a sibling very much like this...and the reality is...when it comes to the major things in life, I still contribute, because who knows, maybe some day a light will come on and things will improve. But until then, I am certainly NOT going to contribute to creating a deeper wedge. Throwing salt on a wound rarely heals it.

 

Thank you Tayla. That is a good set of ideas to play and replay in my mind.

 

I am also trying to remember that this is not about me. Like "my brother will be there for grandma. grandma needs all the support and love she can get. this is a net positive." and the like.

 

So I clam it with the family. Even though it annoys me, the double standard.

 

I especially like "throwing salt on the wound rarely heals it." That'll be my mantra.

[AMJ]

Here's where I would love advice. What kind of strategies can I start employing right now to avoid strangling someone when we're headed to the memorial service?

 

Well, I tend to agree with the advice that you need to find a way to stop caring so much about what your brother does or doesn't spend his money on. You don't want to hear that advice for some reason, so the better question is- why does this bother you so much? What is lacking from your own life that makes you so resentful?

 

My parents treat have treated my brother and I very differently for many years. He gets complete financial support- as an adult- and I've gotten yelled at for asking for an occasional $200 to help me buy groceries while being laid off from work.

 

I am the only grandchild who has chosen to visit my grandmother in her nursing home. I'm also the only female. It's my opinion that women can handle death and mourning better than men.

 

The only thing we can control is how we feel about the decisions other people make, we can't control their decisions. Being the bigger person is a pain in the ass, but I take solace in the fact that I respect myself more for being the mature one in the family. That helps me not resent my brother.

 

It's your grandmother's funeral, get some perspective about life and family, and be grateful that you still have those things- a life, and a family. No one is perfect.

[xxoo]

Sing "Let it Go!" in your head.

 

Remember: he'll be gone one day, and you'll miss him! Try to enjoy your time together even though he's no good and very bad with money.

 

I just read a little of your backstory. Be grateful that you are FREE of their problems. Let them engage with each other (including money issues) as they wish, and appreciate that it has nothing to do with you. You enjoy the time with them, and then you're out. They can do what they please.

Edited February 19, 2016 by xxoo

[Wewon]

As much as your brother sounds like a Bozo, it doesn't sound like he has much of an impact on your life at all. Your only tie seems to be parents and events.

 

I would do the familial version of no contact with this one.

[whichwayisup]

Your brother is a flake. He unfortunately has manipulated your parents and using guilt against them as he knows they won't turn him away.

 

Just keep your distance and don't get involved at all. He is a grown man with a wife and can find a hotel on his own, hello google! Shame on him and his wife for freeloading.

 

Sorry for your loss.