Is he a rebound? [new update]

[Mikep88]

Hi guys,

 

My almost ex wife would have been married for 2 years this March. A month before we got married she lost her job but luckily she got another job just after we got married as a personal assistant for someone we know. I was a bit jealous of this guy as they use to communicate alot over whatsapp...but i trusted her and she assured me there was nothing going on.

 

She then got an offer from the company to an fiduciary broker. So this was a big step for her from PA to fiduciary broker. She started making more money and got cellphone and fuel allowance and eventually started to mingle with a new social crowd at work. Whenever they had a function, I was invited and got to know this awesome bunch of people. As time passed by, she went out for drinks alone with the co-workers and it started getting more frequently. She then got more distant from me since November 15. I could not even kiss her, she told me she was mad at me because there was a lack of love and affection in our marriage since it started.

 

As the weeks passed she got more and more distant, dressing sexy for work, wearing high heels and short dresses the works. We went away for December holiday and there was nothing between us....she did not even wanted to kiss me and took off her wedding ring. When we got home the Sunday, she moved out for some "space" to her parents. The Wednesday she told me she wants a divorce and the following Monday she phoned me to tell me that we have an appointment with the attorney. During that week she came to fetch all her clothes....i begged and pleaded but she said that no matter what I say, nothing will change her mind. We use chat on whatsapp but later on she did not even reply to my messages anymore....even though she was active until 11pm...which she never did.

 

I got suspicious and thought the rumors were true between her and a co-worker....but she just laughed it off and even said that she will tell me 1st if there is someone new in her life. We'll I signed the divorce papers assuming she was just unhappy and wanted to focus on her career like she told everyone. She landed up in hospital a few weeks later, I then phoned her to ask if she wants me to come and visit and she said no.

 

That following morning I woke up at 5am and thought....this is my chance to find out what's going on. I then went to the hospital, her cellphone was lying next to her, saw the co-workers name at the top of the chat list and decided to forward their whole chat history to my gmail. And there it was....just like I suspected....my wife and her co-worker. Everything started since the day she moved back to her parents house the Sunday. Everything escalated from there in a weeks time she was spending nights by him, weekends, getting together at his apartment during working hours....says she misses him and in the messages they say they're inlove and she gets butterflies when she sees him and she new the minute she saw him for the 1st time that he was every girls dream...but unfortunately both of them were taken.

 

He has been in and out of the same relationship for years. Now my problem is, is he a rebound or is this true love? When i read the message it is almost like my wife is the instigator of this whole thing. She tells him everything like when she took her clothes, the day she told me she wants a divorce, how she wants to start spending her life with him....like she can't wait. And what is strange is that in the messages she says she does not want to upset him...she actually says this several times during their conversations that went on for about a week or 2. She says she does not love me anymore. They went away for a friend's birthday this weekend. Our divorce will be finalized middle March.

 

So....is he a rebound...can someone relate to this...make sense of this...why is she reacting this way...because I'm dumbstruck. I don't know why but i still do love her and will take her back anytime....but in the back of my mind, i don't think she will be coming back. Please Help

Edited June 6, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6

[Brady375]

What difference does it make if it's a rebound type thing or not? Neither of the two things change the fact that your wife is not worth your time, by going by what you are saying and considering it isn't slanted.

I would be done done done w her. There are millions of women around why would I waste another day w one that would treat me like this. If you have kids together it's understandable that you would want to keep the family intact but wo kids it would be a no brainier to me. I wouldn't even bother wasting my time trying to figure out what it is. If you get her back, great you got back a woman who isn't loyal and who isn't trust worthy. That's my take.

[Mikep88]

Atleast there are no kids involved. During our marriage we had our ups and downs, things were said out of frustration and jealousy. She was the one that was against cheating and adultery from the day that I met her. But I understand your point, it's just so wrird how people that you think you know like your wife can change that quick. Especially to keep another msn happy and not to do anything that would upset him.

[elaine567]

A rebound relationships starts when a person hurt by a break up reaches out too quickly to someone else.

They NEED a person to fill that huge gap in their life. They substitute someone else into the partner role and often things get serious very fast.

However once they wake up to the fact the person chosen is NOT their ex, or even a person they want or desire, they promptly ditch them, often leaving that poor person heartbroken.

 

Here it sounds like your wife merely moved on from a relationship that was in some way not filling her needs and has changed her job, her social life, her friends, and now her husband to met those needs.

She checked out of the marriage emotionally and now has physically left.

This man may or maybe not be the love of her life, but he doesn't sound like a classic rebound.

 

How old are you two? How long did you date before marriage?

[Mikep88]

We dated for 4 years before we got married. She was 23 and I was 25 when we got married. She was the one that pushed the marriage...even though she now says if it wasn't for our friends who all got married, we would not have gotten married. She also says that there were signs in our relationship that made her doubtful about the marriage....so why push for marriage??? I had made my mistakes by gambling for 6 months, which I immediately stopped as I found out it came between our marriage and the 1 time she got porn on my phone....I mean I'm only human and do make mistakes. But these mistakes use to be brought back up in every single fight....which made me the one who was always apologizing for everything. She is now turning 26 this year and im turning 28.

[Mikep88]

She has this group of friends at work who are all single, the new bf is also part of this group. She also tried to reach out to our mutual friends but they all gave her lip because of the way she ended the marriage and moved on...without even one session of counseling. I did ask her for 1 hour of her time to go to counseling and she refused. She has deleted all our mutual friends off facebook and it seems she is trying to reach out to her old high school friends.

[elaine567]

We dated for 4 years before we got married. She was 23 and I was 25 when we got married. She was the one that pushed the marriage...even though she now says if it wasn't for our friends who all got married, we would not have gotten married. She also says that there were signs in our relationship that made her doubtful about the marriage....so why push for marriage??? I had made my mistakes by gambling for 6 months, which I immediately stopped as I found out it came between our marriage and the 1 time she got porn on my phone....I mean I'm only human and do make mistakes. But these mistakes use to be brought back up in every single fight....which made me the one who was always apologizing for everything. She is now turning 26 this year and im turning 28.

 

 

It is something that happens quite frequently actually, you started dating young and she grew up to want something different.

After 4 years dating, it had to go somewhere and with peer/family pressure and the feeling that "I don't want to have wasted 4 years over nothing" - marriage appeared to be the answer.

Gambling and porn however are NOT the stuff of fairy tales and I am sure she was quickly disillusioned and fell out of love with you.

Along comes a better job, better friends, the promise of a better life and she jettisons you.

YOU have to realize that she is NOT coming back, pick yourself up and make something of your life without her.

[Marc878]

The truth is always best. I'd expose to the ones that I wanted to know the truth and proceed full speed ahead with the divorce.

 

Cheating in a marriage is the lowest thing anyone can do, then rewriting history to justify is typical cheater script.

 

First it will probably give you some closure that many never get.

 

Then go completely dark and let the attorney handle everything.

 

You're young with no children so don't waste anymore time on this.

 

Keep the texts secure just in case.

Edited February 20, 2016 by Marc878

[Mr. Lucky]

Hi guys,

 

My almost ex wife would have been married for 2 years this March. A month before we got married she lost her job but luckily she got another job just after we got married as a personal assistant for someone we know. I was a bit jealous of this guy as they use to communicate alot over whatsapp...but i trusted her and she assured me there was nothing going on. She then got an offer from the company to an fiduciary broker. So this was a big step for her from PA to fiduciary broker. She started making more money and got cellphone and fuel allowance and eventually started to mingle with a new social crowd at work. Whenever they had a function, I was invited and got to know this awesome bunch of people. As time passed by, she went out for drinks alone with the co-workers and it started getting more frequently. She then got more distant from me since November 15. I could not even kiss her, she told me she was mad at me because there was a lack of love and affection in our marriage since it started. As the weeks passed she got more and more distant, dressing sexy for work, wearing high heels and short dresses the works. We went away for December holiday and there was nothing between us....she did not even wanted to kiss me and took off her wedding ring. When we got home the Sunday, she moved out for some "space" to her parents. The Wednesday she told me she wants a divorce and the following Monday she phoned me to tell me that we have an appointment with the attorney. During that week she came to fetch all her clothes....i begged and pleaded but she said that no matter what I say, nothing will change her mind. We use chat on whatsapp but later on she did not even reply to my messages anymore....even though she was active until 11pm...which she never did. I got suspicious and thought the rumors were true between her and a co-worker....but she just laughed it off and even said that she will tell me 1st if there is someone new in her life. We'll I signed the divorce papers assuming she was just unhappy and wanted to focus on her career like she told everyone. She landed up in hospital a few weeks later, I then phoned her to ask if she wants me to come and visit and she said no. That following morning I woke up at 5am and thought....this is my chance to find out what's going on. I then went to the hospital, her cellphone was lying next to her, saw the co-workers name at the top of the chat list and decided to forward their whole chat history to my gmail. And there it was....just like I suspected....my wife and her co-worker. Everything started since the day she moved back to her parents house the Sunday. Everything escalated from there in a weeks time she was spending nights by him, weekends, getting together at his apartment during working hours....says she misses him and in the messages they say they're inlove and she gets butterflies when she sees him and she new the minute she saw him for the 1st time that he was every girls dream...but unfortunately both of them were taken. He has been in and out of the same relationship for years. Now my problem is, is he a rebound or is this true love? When i read the message it is almost like my wife is the instigator of this whole thing. She tells him everything like when she took her clothes, the day she told me she wants a divorce, how she wants to start spending her life with him....like she can't wait. And what is strange is that in the messages she says she does not want to upset him...she actually says this several times during their conversations that went on for about a week or 2. She says she does not love me anymore. They went away for a friend's birthday this weekend. Our divorce will be finalized middle March. So....is he a rebound...can someone relate to this...make sense of this...why is she reacting this way...because I'm dumbstruck. I don't know why but i still do love her and will take her back anytime....but in the back of my mind, i don't think she will be coming back. Please Help

 

Mike, paragraphs are your friend, hard to read otherwise .

 

Yes, he's probably a rebound.

 

Right now life is offering you a choice - a little pain now over the break-up and divorce or a lifetime of agony should you stay involved with someone who cares so little for you.

 

Choose wisely...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mikep88]

To be honest, I think Elaine is 100% correct. I think this guy was her shoulder whenever we use to fight. He had problems in his relationship with his girlfriend, so I assume that is the reason why things escalated to quickly.

 

She told him how she was unhappy and he told her and they both new how they wanted to be treated and saw that in each other. The feelings grew stronger and that's when I could not do anything right and basically walked on eggshells most of the time.

 

The thing is, I know she will not be coming back...it's just very difficult to let go even though I know she has moved on with her life and enjoying it to the fullest with the boyfriend....i still love her very much.

[Be_Strong]

This relationship between your wife and the coworker was going on before your wife moved out. Your wife probably just stopped deleting her chat history once she asked you for a divorce--so all you saw on her phone was that point forward. As you mentioned, her behavior changed a while before she asked for the divorce, and that change in behavior I'm sure coincided with her feelings for the coworker.

 

So, no, I don't think this guy is a rebound. He is an exit affair partner.

[sweetlips2201]

I can totally relate to this but it's just the other way around. My husband said that he changed and all that then eventually, I found out that he's been cheating on me all throughout our marriage with married women. I was so blindsided because I knew we had problems and that we were working things out. However, as a person, I finally chose to not be disrespected even though I love him dearly and still want to work things out. I know he's dating a divorced woman with kids and it kills me that he knew how much I wanted more kids of our own and I am left to deal with all the processing of papers and other legal stuff when I did everything I could to save our marriage. Life is unfair but I' slowly realizing that there is a reason for this. The best revenge is to show her that you are happy in life. It's hard because I don't even know what that entails for me but I have to keep trying. Right?!

[Mikep88]

There were always rumors of them and she even told me they were only rumors and laughed it off. If you delete chat history from whatsapp, it deletes all the history. But they 1 started chatting from middle of the year and it was all work related. I honestly think....they were close at work....both had problems in their own relationships and then fell inlove with each other. They only saw the good in each other and decided that, that's what they want in an relationship.

 

 

We'll today it has been almost 2 weeks since we had any type of communication. I try and keep busy, going out with friends and just being social. The absolute worst day of all is Sundays!!!!

 

We have our "anniversary" coming up the 1st March but I decided not to message her as it will make things difficult for me.

 

Found out that our divorce will be settled middle may, they do not have a court date as yet...but I assume that will be taking me back to square 1 after all the progress that I've made.

[KBarletta]

We have our "anniversary" coming up the 1st March but I decided not to message her as it will make things difficult for me.

 

Found out that our divorce will be settled middle may, they do not have a court date as yet...but I assume that will be taking me back to square 1 after all the progress that I've made.

 

I feel for you man, it is not easy to go through this, I know all too well.

 

But, especially since there are no kids involved, I would advise you to stop counting the days since your last communication, stop thinking of "anniversaries" and generally try to put her and her life out of your mind. Your job now is to build a new life for yourself and move on from the one you lost. You still love her, and I know that makes it hard, but continuing to focus on details like that is only going to make it harder, not easier.

 

If you haven't yet, I'd seek counseling, if only to give yourself another outlet for your thoughts and feelings, and really try to focus on yourself and your own healing. She is gone, so your only move (if you want to stay sane) is to let her go.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Mikep88]

Thanks for the great reply....it takes time and time heals everything. Im just so glad there for this site....it's a place i can vent if i want to without someone judging you and talk to people who can relate. Much love to everyone

[Mikep88]

Just found out last night that she is busy spreading rumors.

 

1. I created a group sending nude photos of her to my friends....which are all married.

2. They main reason she filed for divorce is because I abused her.

 

Then she said the new guy confessed his love to her in January as soon as she got back to work.

 

They are not in a relationship, but just opened up and told each other how they feel about each other.

 

She has now also moved into an apartment, so I guess they will be spending alot more time together.

 

Why does she do this, spreading rumors that aren't even true???

[sandylee1]

She's trying to justify her terrible behaviour.

She wants to make you look like the bad guy

Standard cheating behaviour.

 

I think she's just immature and was never ready to get married.

 

You're much better of without her. She's sliding into the role of a mistress... what joy for her.

[lolablue17]

Just found out last night that she is busy spreading rumors.

 

1. I created a group sending nude photos of her to my friends....which are all married.

2. They main reason she filed for divorce is because I abused her.

 

Why does she do this, spreading rumors that aren't even true???

 

You say you still love her. ARE YOU SURE? Is that the kind of a woman you love? A liar and a cheater, who spreads terrible lies about you? She is a terrible person.

 

First of all, know who are you dealing with. Don't talk\contact with her anymore, only through your lawyer, who should send her an immediate warning to stop spreading lies, otherwise she is expected a libel suit.

 

She is a devil. The only way you can still love her is because you refuse to acknowledge and accept who she really is.

[Oberfeldwebel]

Why does she do this, spreading rumors that aren't even true???

 

Somebody has to be at fault for this mess and she has decided it has to be you. You don't expect her to accept responsibility for her actions? Heaven forbid. This is a terrible thing that has happened to you, but you are still young and chances are that this would have happened eventually, because that is who she is I'm sorry to say.

 

You need to work on you, that is the only thing you can affect. Take time to reflect on the relationship and look for ways that you could have done better and apply them to the next relationship. Exercise is a good way to deal with stress and makes a healthier you. Spend time doing hobbies you may have abandoned or always wanted to try. You may find you may meet people who enjoy similar activities. Read more, start with the classics, it makes a more interesting you. Don't call, email, phone, text telegraph or use carrier pigeons to communicate with her, unless it has to do with legal or financial business. She is no longer your friend, buddy or pal. She is someone you thought you knew, but you were mistaken. You are going to have good and bad days for awhile, but slowly things will get better.

[Mikep88]

You say you still love her. ARE YOU SURE?.

 

She is a devil. The only way you can still love her is because you refuse to acknowledge and accept who she really is.

 

I think that is the problem, beacuse I did not expect something this this from her. I know what she did is the worst thing you can do to your partner.

 

I'm also struggling to let go and move on and its already been 3 months now and we've had NC since I found out.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm also struggling to let go and move on and its already been 3 months now and we've had NC since I found out.

 

Boy Mike, outside of burning your house down, not sure what else she could have done. She made a pretty concerted effort to screw you over.

 

Are you talking to a therapist? An emotional attachment to someone who treated you so poorly is not a healthy thing...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mikep88]

No, I'm not seeing a therapist....was thinking of going to the doc to up my Zoloft dosage from 10mg....just to help getting me out of this dump. I know I should keep busy....start going to the gym again, but whenever it's time to go I'd rather sit on the couch watching tv. I must say I have made some progress cleaning out my closets...putting the stuff she forgot here in a bag and returned it to her via a mutual friend who works for the same company.

 

When I'm drunk and speak to ppl about what happened I feel bad the next morning when I'm sober...don't know why??

 

Just wish I could zap myself until the other en of this dark tunnel

[Mikep88]

Facebook and it's stupid on this day....clicked on the comments and even though I blocked my ex wife, there I see a little profile picture of her and her new boyfriend....

 

I got this cold feeling over my entire body....damn it sucks!

 

I guess she's not letting anything hold her back hey...

[Mikep88]

Hi guys

I'm just here to vent and get a little bit of sympathy or whatever. I'm not in a good space at the moment so I decided to vent a little on LS.

 

Well, I posted my story a few months ago about my divorce so please read it if you want to understand where I'm coming from and excuse me, my first language is not English.

It has been 3 months since my wife filed for divorce and it has not yet been finalized yet even though it is uncontested. Every month when i phone tje attorneys office they tell me it will be next month. I phoned them today and they gave me a fixed date of 6 May she will appear in court....so I guess it will be done by then.

 

I only saw her briefly a few weeks back in the supermarket, alone. The 1st thing that jumped to mind is look away and ignore her, walk in the other direction and I did just that. Is that cowardly to do, a sign of weakness?

We haven't had any contact after I found out she was seeing this other guy a week after she told me she wants a divorce. Just the odd sms regarding account payments.

I then followed the rule of he who cares less, has the most power....until today. She sent me kind of a nice sms to tell me they will be disconnect my landline and i did not reply, which made me feel like the 1 who is in control. I had this feeling that she is waiting for a reply. Today I sent her a message to tell her that they will be installing a new landline by her apartment, but received no reply....even though I was hoping for a thank you.

 

But to carry on with my story, is that I have an awesome support group of friends and family who is there for me...but still i feel so sad, lonely and depressed.

I miss her so so much and when I close my eyes it's even worse.

I think of the fights we had...the attention I did not give her when she asked for it and wish I could turn back time and do everything over. She was my alpha and omega and now I'm afraid we will never see or speak to each other again, just like that.

When I found out about the other guy, I asked her why did she do it, why couldn't she wait till after the divorce. She told me, " I told you since last year I was unhappy and if you don't treat me right, I'm going to leave". Just like that...she went. Egen though I gave up alot of this for her, changed my bad habits, she decided that her co-worker was the man of her dreams.

I'm so so so sad....lying in our bed alone....I just wish she comes back.

[Pat944]

Thank you for sharing honestly about your pain and the loss of your relationship to your alpha and omega. That communicates a lot about how valued she was to you. Good to hear that you have such a good support network of friends. Rely on them heavily as your need to process these hurts and doubts will probably continue for some time. Wishing you the best.