having to choose between my partner or my family

[sam14]

i've been dating my partner for 2 years now and we're in a very committed relationship. Me and my partner are from different backgrounds and we both have different beliefs hes an atheist and im a muslim. last year i moved out from my parents home because things were very difficult and there were always arguments at my parents home because of me swaying away from the religion and dating my boyfriend. i've been living a very happy life with my boyfriend ever since i've moved out whereas every now and then i get really depressed and upset due to the fact i left my family, i've been speaking with my mum ever since i left and not one call has been without one of us crying or being upset.

 

I love my boyfriend so very much and we've been through so much together and we are now living a very stable life, both of us have a good job and a nice flat we live together whereas my depression has been getting a lot more worse recently and although my boyfriend doesn't admit it i know he's finding it really hard and upsetting to see me like this so often. I dont want our relationship to be miserable because of me. My family haven't stopped trying to get me to come back home whereas if i do decide to come back home i cant be with my boyfriend.

 

My parents are muslim and their views of life are very different from mines and their culture always seems to go against my beliefs but they've sacrificed so much for me; going out their way to make me happy; spending money on me to come back home even though they hardly earn much, i only wish they'd accept my boyfriend but they cant because it would break their family down due to culture and status. i have the toughest decision to make choosing between my family or my boyfriend and i dont want to lose either of them because i love both of them so very much.

 

My mum has allowed me to stay with my boyfriend whereas doing so would mean i will not be able to contact my family any more because far relatives and the family community will be really bad and they'd be giving my family so much crap to deal with because of me leaving and dating a non-muslim which is a lot of shame in my community.

 

 

I need to make a decision now because i cant just leave my parents left without an answer for so long; it's been two years already and i havent decided yet and my parents are becoming a lot more depressed recently and i could see the family breaking down. I've tried to think up a solution but i really cant. My boyfriend has said for him to meet the family but my parents refuse, i've swell up in tears infront of my parents but religion is very important to them and they still refuse my boyfriend with tears in their eyes.

 

My family love me but in their eyes religion is their way of life. In their religion; marriage is not valid unless both are muslim and me being in a relationship with my boyfriend without marriage is a big sin in islam. I've told my mum if she loves me she'd put me first over religion but she tells me religion is something she believes in with her life and it's because she loves me she wants me to leave my boyfriend and i cant change her way of thinking just as she cant change mines. She wants me to go to heaven and not have to suffer in the afterlife which she feels so strongly about whereas i dont feel so strongly about islam. i do try and understand her views but i just dont know what to do as i feel choosing my family or my boyfriend i'd be miserable either way. please help me gather my thoughts together and help me choose what would be best for me and the people in my life or advise me on how i could make things better, thank you~

[GunslingerRoland]

Look at it outside of the context of your relationship... do you truly believe in your religion? I don't get the sense you do. Maybe it's time to stand up for yourself and live your life as you want, regardless of your relationship.

[sam14]

Look at it outside of the context of your relationship... do you truly believe in your religion? I don't get the sense you do. Maybe it's time to stand up for yourself and live your life as you want, regardless of your relationship.

 

i dont really believe so strongly in my religion whereas if i were to say what religion i follow it'd be islam, but regardless of what religion i follow my parents wont change their views on my situation.

[LaraC]

Guessing you are a gay male?

 

If so, there is nothing you can say or do that will make them accept your boyfriend. That means the only way they will ever accept you is if you live a total lie and take a female wife for their sake.

 

How would you like it if a man pretended to be gay, just to get you to marry him? You would feel cheated, lied to and decieved. Don't do this to a woman, please! Be honest with yourself and with her.

 

"...For ye practice your lusts on men in preference to women: ye are indeed a people transgressing beyond bounds.... And we rained down on them a shower (of brimstone)" - the "rain of stones" on the town meaning that homosexuals should be stoned, since no other reason is given for the people's destruction.

 

"When a man mounts another man, the throne of God shakes," and "Kill the one that is doing it and also kill the one that it is being done to."

 

 

Do you really believe this? I hope not. This is the same flawed text that proclaims women were made of a man's rib. But when autopsies and x-rays were invented, it proved beyond doubt that men do not have a missing rib. I'm sorry but science discounts pretty much 100% of what is in the Bible, Quran and the Torah. They were written by primitive people in uneducated times. I'm sorry your family still clings to that. Don't throw your life away on fables.

Edited February 19, 2016 by LaraC
mistake

[sam14]

Guessing you are a gay male?

 

If so, there is nothing you can say or do that will make them accept your boyfriend. That means the only way they will ever accept you is if you live a total lie and take a female wife for their sake.

 

How would you like it if a man pretended to be gay, just to get you to marry him? You would feel cheated, lied to and decieved. Don't do this to a woman, please! Be honest with yourself and with her.

 

"...For ye practice your lusts on men in preference to women: ye are indeed a people transgressing beyond bounds.... And we rained down on them a shower (of brimstone)" - the "rain of stones" on the town meaning that homosexuals should be stoned, since no other reason is given for the people's destruction.

 

"When a man mounts another man, the throne of God shakes," and "Kill the one that is doing it and also kill the one that it is being done to."

 

 

Do you really believe this? I hope not. This is the same flawed text that proclaims women were made of a man's rib. But when autopsies and x-rays were invented, it proved beyond doubt that men do not have a missing rib. I'm sorry but science discounts pretty much 100% of what is in the Bible, Quran and the Torah. They were written by primitive people in uneducated times. I'm sorry your family still clings to that. Don't throw your life away on fables.

 

 

im female and my family are very traditional people and they've been brought up in a different country just as i have been brought up in England we both have different views and if i cant learn to live with her views i couldnt possibly make her accept mines. i just want to be able to have both my family and my boyfriend i also have a younger sister whihc i forgot to mention who looks up to me so much and i cant imagine leaving her, i'd feel devastated if i couldn't see her again but thank you for your reply

[LaraC]

[]

 

Well, accepting another culture isn't that hard. He has to be better than the average guy of your Muslim culture, that your family would want you to marry. He has to exceed the bar, so to speak. Does your boyfriend have any exceptional qualities? Is he a professional, high military rank, or unusual in some way? Someone of such a status you would have difficulty finding again? Now imagine you are 35, or that you are turning 45. How difficult would it be to marry a man of his status at this age? Because you will surely reach this age soon enough. It may seem like you won't, but it will happen sooner than you think. What it is about him that makes marrying him now such a priority? What will and your family lose by waiting? Remind them that soon you will be 30. They will understand how fast that happens. Years fly by. Before you know it, you are approaching 40. Your parents will realize this truth more than you do. Make the most of your youth while you can.

Edited February 24, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[sam14]

[]

 

Well, accepting another culture isn't that hard. He has to be better than the average guy of your Muslim culture, that your family would want you to marry. He has to exceed the bar, so to speak. Does your boyfriend have any exceptional qualities? Is he a professional, high military rank, or unusual in some way? Someone of such a status you would have difficulty finding again? Now imagine you are 35, or that you are turning 45. How difficult would it be to marry a man of his status at this age? Because you will surely reach this age soon enough. It may seem like you won't, but it will happen sooner than you think. What it is about him that makes marrying him now such a priority? What will and your family lose by waiting? Remind them that soon you will be 30. They will understand how fast that happens. Years fly by. Before you know it, you are approaching 40. Your parents will realize this truth more than you do. Make the most of your youth while you can.

 

 

There isnt really anything unusual about him, i dont have a specific reason why i started dating him other than I was attracted to him and now we've been through so much together and i really love him. He respects me and hes desperate to make our relationship work, he keeps telling me he'd do whatever he can to help me sort out my problem. My parents are really stubborn especially my farther who is a lot more stricter with religion than my mum is. My mum was able to take in than i have been sexually active with him and still speak to me and contact me whereas if my dad were to know he would be outraged. I dont see any way of making them accept my boyfriend

Edited February 24, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[dreamingoftigers]

There isnt really anything unusual about him, i dont have a specific reason why i started dating him other than I was attracted to him and now we've been through so much together and i really love him. He respects me and hes desperate to make our relationship work, he keeps telling me he'd do whatever he can to help me sort out my problem. My parents are really stubborn especially my farther who is a lot more stricter with religion than my mum is. My mum was able to take in than i have been sexually active with him and still speak to me and contact me whereas if my dad were to know he would be outraged. I dont see any way of making them accept my boyfriend

 

Typically I don't agree with bending yourself around over situations like this. And in this case I still believe that.

 

However, if your bf is willing, what about him converting in name only to appease the family? My mother is an atheist married to a Catholic, and she mostly converted to marry my Dad. He didn't ask her to get baptized, but I'm sure she would have and it would have been no big deal to her. Us kids were all baptized Catholic. (I did not stay with the Catholic Church and instead became a Mormon.) My husband who is agnostic got baptized Mormon after marriage figuring I wanted it. But truthfully I never would have asked him to go against his conscience. Frankly, that would actually be AGAINST my religion. But they can't exactly "un-baptize" him either.

[CarrieT]

What are your ages?

[sam14]

Typically I don't agree with bending yourself around over situations like this. And in this case I still believe that.

 

However, if your bf is willing, what about him converting in name only to appease the family? My mother is an atheist married to a Catholic, and she mostly converted to marry my Dad. He didn't ask her to get baptized, but I'm sure she would have and it would have been no big deal to her. Us kids were all baptized Catholic. (I did not stay with the Catholic Church and instead became a Mormon.) My husband who is agnostic got baptized Mormon after marriage figuring I wanted it. But truthfully I never would have asked him to go against his conscience. Frankly, that would actually be AGAINST my religion. But they can't exactly "un-baptize" him either.

 

my boyfriend is willing to be muslim by name but i dont want him to live a lie because they will find out one day or another and islam is a pretty strict religion i dont think you can go away just saying your muslim. it's be obvious to my parents that hes only saying it to be with me. I've thought of this before and i've even spoken to my mum about it but she doesnt seem convinced and we pretty much gave up on that idea but thank you for replying

[nescafe1982]

What are your ages?

 

+1 to this. Because it might change my answer slightly (especially if you are young, like a teenager.

 

I've dated across religious lines and dealt with conservative relatives from different cultures. It's not easy, and I empathize with your situation. If you and this boyfriend are serious about each other (and it sounds like you are), you will have to present a united front with your family.

 

They may never really approve of you dating a non-Muslim. But if you and your boyfriend continually make it clear that you love one another, respect one another, and (crucially) that he respects your parents, they may in time tolerate it a bit more.

 

"Tolerance" isn't, you know, the very best state of affairs; ideally, you would love your parents to see this man the way you do. But tolerance is the first step towards progress.

 

But getting there means walking a very fine line for a long time; he has to win their trust in a way that a Muslim man might not. But in all of your interactions with your parents, make sure you and your boyfriend are a united front in cherishing one another. They will come around, eventually.

[nescafe1982]

my boyfriend is willing to be muslim by name but i dont want him to live a lie because they will find out one day or another and islam is a pretty strict religion i dont think you can go away just saying your muslim. it's be obvious to my parents that hes only saying it to be with me. I've thought of this before and i've even spoken to my mum about it but she doesnt seem convinced and we pretty much gave up on that idea but thank you for replying

 

Sorry for the double-post, but I also have friends who converted into Islam in order to, you know, placate parents. But only in marriage (in one case the marriage wouldn't have been legal otherwise).

[sam14]

+1 to this. Because it might change my answer slightly (especially if you are young, like a teenager.

 

I've dated across religious lines and dealt with conservative relatives from different cultures. It's not easy, and I empathize with your situation. If you and this boyfriend are serious about each other (and it sounds like you are), you will have to present a united front with your family.

 

They may never really approve of you dating a non-Muslim. But if you and your boyfriend continually make it clear that you love one another, respect one another, and (crucially) that he respects your parents, they may in time tolerate it a bit more.

 

"Tolerance" isn't, you know, the very best state of affairs; ideally, you would love your parents to see this man the way you do. But tolerance is the first step towards progress.

 

But getting there means walking a very fine line for a long time; he has to win their trust in a way that a Muslim man might not. But in all of your interactions with your parents, make sure you and your boyfriend are a united front in cherishing one another. They will come around, eventually.

 

Thank you for your reply, i do want my boyfriend to meet my family, i want them to see how much he loves me and how much hes had to put upbwith from me getting depressed and ill. He looked after through the difficult times and even though i have been like this for so long he hasnt left me and keeps trying to help me get me better. We are both nineteen and although we may be young we both have a stable job and a place to live in together. I think we are mature and we are both planning to get married once we are better financially and to save enough.

 

My parents refuse to see him, as much as i ask them to allow him to visit they cant be forced into seeing him just as much as i cant be forced to believe in their views. Maybe him converting to islam by name is the only way to still be able to contact my family but i dont really have many options, i dont want to lose my family, who would i go to if anything were to happen to my boyfriend whereas i dont want to leave my boyfriend i believe something like that will make me more so depressed especially because of the fact we have been through so muvh and have also made so many plans for our future together. I wouldnt be able to just move on without him, things wouldnt be the same.

[Els]

It's a tough situation. I went through something quite similar with my parents - I empathize.

 

However, the crux of the issue isn't you 'choosing between your parents and your boyfriend', the bottom line is really you choosing between what your parents want for your life and what YOU want for your life. Learning how to set boundaries for what you will and will not let your parents dictate, is difficult if you were raised in a traditional family, but it is incredibly important to find the courage take that plunge. Even if you capitulated on this and ditched your bf, what about the next guy you fall in love with, and the next? You will be setting a dangerous precedent, showing them that you will allow them to pick your spouse. The longer you allow it to happen, the harder it will be to break out of it later on.

 

You don't have to 'give up' your parents, you can let them know that you love them and are always happy to see them and talk to them, but you have to make the decisions for your own life. If they choose to disown you for that, then the choice is on THEM.

[elaine567]

My family love me but in their eyes religion is their way of life. In their religion; marriage is not valid unless both are muslim and me being in a relationship with my boyfriend without marriage is a big sin in islam. I've told my mum if she loves me she'd put me first over religion but she tells me religion is something she believes in with her life and it's because she loves me she wants me to leave my boyfriend and i cant change her way of thinking just as she cant change mines. She wants me to go to heaven and not have to suffer in the afterlife which she feels so strongly about whereas i dont feel so strongly about islam. i do try and understand her views but i just dont know what to do as i feel choosing my family or my boyfriend i'd be miserable either way. please help me gather my thoughts together and help me choose what would be best for me and the people in my life or advise me on how i could make things better, thank you~

 

There is no solution here that will make both sides happy ever after.

Traditional Islam has no place for "non-believers" and it sounds like your family and more importantly maybe their wider Muslim community, cannot and will not accept your bf, and the "shame" you have brought to your family.

Islam is not like Christianity where you can take it or leave it, Islam is a way of life.

It encompasses all parts of a Muslim's life and is not a faith you can "sort of" follow, so even if your bf did convert, could he persuade your traditional Muslim family that in fact he was serious about Islam? I, like your mother, doubt it.

More modern, more "Westernised" Muslims maybe,(and even then) but this sounds pretty conservative, traditional Islam to me.

Leaving the faith is not going to be easy for you either.

https://news.vice.com/video/rescuing-ex-muslims-leaving-islam

[d0nnivain]

It's a tough one because your parents are even refusing to meet him.

 

 

You are not going to solve this alone. Do you have a Imam that you like & trust who would be willing to advocate for you? Have that person intercede with your parents.

[nescafe1982]

It's a tough one because your parents are even refusing to meet him.

 

 

You are not going to solve this alone. Do you have a Imam that you like & trust who would be willing to advocate for you? Have that person intercede with your parents.

 

This is an excellent idea. If you have a religious official who has dealt with this before, they would be a fantastic resource for you and your boyfriend. Such an imam might a) help you figure out how to work on your parents, or failing that, b) help you and your boyfriend find way to cope without their approval.

 

Good luck, OP. This won't be a simple fix, but you two love eeach other and are thinking long-term, it is worth trying.