Mom wants me to leave!

[Ferret]

she tells mum that sex is infrequent.

Its infrequent because hes not attracted to her its really not hard to understand that doesn't make him a bad guy some might say a little shallow but honestly

a year is a long time enough to start getting your self back into some

sort of shape you were in before having a baby if you know that's important to your

spouse..

[Tayla]

Thank you Tayla for your rational voice. Yes porn like alcohol is an addiction which causes a disconnection in the home. At one point we used to get together as a family at least once or twice a month with my sister and her husband staying over at our house.

 

I have the fondest memories of all of us spending quality time together it's this disjunct that badly affects us. For example if my sister is not happy with her husband she is uncool with us, Her excuse is that she is highly stressed. Truly she cannot be happy and carry-on a normal relationship with us while she is herself unhappy. Where do I restart how do we as family work through it?

 

Your most welcome. Your response seems more grounded and seeking towards resolution. That is your voice of reason. Well done!

 

Sincerely, It sounds like You miss those times when things were fonder. This eye opening experience into the adults life choices is confusing eh?

Can you in small steps mend this opinion of your sister? Just a small dose of support or encouragement towards her? I can only imagine how sad it must be for her...

[Battlefront]

Your most welcome. Your response seems more grounded and seeking towards resolution. That is your voice of reason. Well done!

 

Sincerely, It sounds like You miss those times when things were fonder. This eye opening experience into the adults life choices is confusing eh?

Can you in small steps mend this opinion of your sister? Just a small dose of support or encouragement towards her? I can only imagine how sad it must be for her...

 

The healing process is hard sis has told us in the past I don't want your critique I want your support. Normally when we get together it's a big cry session mom has her tissues out crying And dabbing her eyes. Sis responded to me harshly when I mentioned developing something workable solution. You don't even listen mum does by the tears in face, you don't care. Mum reply to all this is simply that I should show a little facial emotion.

 

The question how do I tell my sister that I'm don't care about how noble hubby ignores her.

[lilyrocks9956]

I've read through this thread and I agree with 99% of the other posters here.

 

I think you mean well, you've just handled it the wrong way. I understand that you care about your sister and want to protect her but honestly their marriage is between themselves only. Yes maybe he watches porn or they argue sometimes. All relationships have arguments, in fact I think as long as it's on a reasonable level arguing can strengthen a relationship and help the couple understand each other better if that makes any sense. It would be your sister's decision if she wanted to divorce your brother in law or not. It is not your place to decide whether she should stay married to him.

 

It would be different if she asked for your opinion but she didn't, therefore you should just let them work it out by themselves.

 

 

If you want to work this out you should definitely start out by apologizing to everyone involved and that you did not mean for it to go this far. You would like to work it out as a family and see how they respond.

Edited February 26, 2016 by lilyrocks9956

[soleilesquire]

Dunno but ur kids prolly understand me.

 

I have an 18 year old and a 20 years old and their response when I showed them this thread was:

 

Why is this any of her business????

 

So no. You need to build a life for yourself and stay out of your sister's.

[Noproblem]

Exactly. But it's not OP's problem. My guess she is a teenager.

 

how can't it be her problem?

She is her sister!

 

it's her problem, since the girl is her SISTER!

 

I mean not the porn, of course not, but the fact that her sister married someone who treats her badly!

[Noproblem]

I have an 18 year old and a 20 years old and their response when I showed them this thread was:

 

Why is this any of her business????

 

So no. You need to build a life for yourself and stay out of your sister's.

 

 

 

if my sister is married to someone bad, it's my problem because I care and feel and I am not blinded by the love she feels toward that awful person!

 

There is nothing called "Not my business" When it comes to family. It's always everyone's business, because they care.. but of course if they are so not attached to each other or selfish and don't care about other siblings

of course it's none of their business.

 

For Heaven's sake if your bff is married to someone bad you will make it your business if you are a true friend!

 

Bear in mind I am not talking about the porn, of course it's non of my business or anyone business. I am talking about the fact that she is saying her sister's husband is not treating her sister in a good way..

Edited February 28, 2016 by Noproblem

[Battlefront]

if my sister is married to someone bad, it's my problem because I care and feel and I am not blinded by the love she feels toward that awful person!

 

There is nothing called "Not my business" When it comes to family. It's always everyone's business, because they care.. but of course if they are so not attached to each other or selfish and don't care about other siblings

of course it's none of their business.

 

For Heaven's sake if your bff is married to someone bad you will make it your business if you are a true friend!

 

Bear in mind I am not talking about the porn, of course it's non of my business or anyone business. I am talking about the fact that she is saying her sister's husband is not treating her sister in a good way..

Recently seen an article which says that 70% of women of color 25-29(myself eventhough I'm 18) are single. My take on it is that we've no positive role models. If man is caught watching porn good for him. My sisters doctor told her that the probable cause for being without a kid for so long was due to her husbands masturbation. Which he admitted to doing while watching porn. Sorry if I appear gross but I stating what happens in their marriage. What I needed was for a stronger woman to stand up to it all and say enough is enough.

Edited February 28, 2016 by Battlefront

[anika99]

how can't it be her problem?

She is her sister!

 

it's her problem, since the girl is her SISTER!

 

I mean not the porn, of course not, but the fact that her sister married someone who treats her badly!

 

Well the OP doesn't seem to be addressing that bad treatment of her sister. She only tattled about the porn, meanwhile she goes out with her brother in law and let's him say awful things to her about her sister, like she's fat and gross, and the OP does nothing about that. Why? That is worse than the porn. I think it's because the OP's actions are driven by sibling rivalry rather than concern for her sister.

 

Also I can be concerned and supportive of my family and still not meddle in their relationship. If a family member comes to me to cry about their realationship I'm more than willing to listen, offer comfort and even give advice if it's asked for, but that doesn't give me license to talk gossip or to turn into a meddling tattletale.

Edited February 28, 2016 by anika99

[Battlefront]

Well the OP doesn't seem to be addressing that bad treatment of her sister. She only tattled about the porn, meanwhile she goes out with her brother in law and let's him say awful things to her about her sister, like she's fat and gross, and the OP does nothing about that. Why? That is worse than the porn. I think it's because the OP's actions are driven by sibling rivalry rather than concern for her sister.

 

Also I can be concerned and supportive of my family and still not meddle in their relationship. If a family member comes to me to cry about their realationship I'm more than willing to listen, offer comfort and even give advice if it's asked for, but that doesn't give me license to talk gossip or to turn into a meddling tattletale.

 

We don't talk! Can't stand to be around him. Who'd be into him? No my sis and I have discussed him enough and every time she's promising to do something about his misbehaviour and never does.

[preraph]

I can't believe all you defensive porn watchers are attacking this 18 year old for telling his mom the brother-in-law was up at 3 in the morning watching porn. After all, she's probably who taught him porn was not a great habit -- and it isn't since it uses women.

 

The snitch here isn't this 18 year old -- it's his mother who apparently regrets her decision to tell the daughter about it. This kid didn't go do it directly. He told a fully grown adult, probably because he's been taught it's a bad habit, and then she told the daughter and now the daughter is acting like a spoiled brat about it and causing drama. I don't fault the mother for telling her, because it is her daughter and she might have cared, I don't know. But there was no reason for her to be mad about it. She could have just said, Oh, I know and I don't care. Thanks for letting me know, though.

 

It's the mom's fault. And he shouldn't be ostracized for it. That tells me his mother is weak and blaming him for it instead of taking responsibility herself. Or god forbid the BIL take responsibility.

 

If I were the son, I'd stand up to mom and tell her, Hey, you're the adult -- if you thought it was so wrong to bring it up, why are you the one who told sister about it? That oughta shut her up.

 

Now, one word to the son, the poster: Obviously you are very angry about this whole thing and looking for anything to hate the BIL for at this point, like going to the gym. I get your point about this probably did cause a division between them - but it's him who did it, not you. BUT the details of that are none of your business and should be private between those two. The sister is probably embarrassed that others think she should be upset about it and she isn't that upset, that's all. So she's defensive.

 

But I will say that you need to zip it about any other petty little comments about his weight or them not sleeping together or any of that business. Because that's you being defensive too because you're being unfairly blamed. But two wrongs don't make a right. Tell your mom she's the one who reported it and made sister mad, and then stop being involved in at all and you owe it to your family to be polite and not causing any drama by looking for things to criticize. Let them deal with it themselves so they have no one else to blame if it implodes on them.

[Ferret]

Recently seen an article which says that 70% of women of color 25-29(myself eventhough I'm 18) are single. My take on it is that we've no positive role models..

 

 

Actually I found this statement interesting so I did a little research and also found that "than 72 percent of children in the African-American community are born out of wedlock" That also means that women are making just as bad choices as men it takes two to tango after all..

 

I still don't get why the guys porn usage is such a concern at least hes not cheating on her with another women witch if hes not attracted to her anymore and shes not doing anything about that ide say is a fair deal..

[stillafool]

OP are you going to move out?

[Battlefront]

Actually I found this statement interesting so I did a little research and also found that "than 72 percent of children in the African-American community are born out of wedlock" That also means that women are making just as bad choices as men it takes two to tango after all..

 

I still don't get why the guys porn usage is such a concern at least hes not cheating on her with another women witch if hes not attracted to her anymore and shes not doing anything about that ide say is a fair deal..

 

It's the porn that makes her boring or ugly especially after watching a lot of it. I'd say that porn has ruined a lot of relationships, who wants a wife when they can have porn and fantasy. Suppose those models are thinner than my sister. Why doesn't she tell him move out of the home?

[anika99]

I can't believe all you defensive porn watchers are attacking this 18 year old for telling his mom the brother-in-law was up at 3 in the morning watching porn. After all, she's probably who taught him porn was not a great habit -- and it isn't since it uses women.

 

The snitch here isn't this 18 year old -- it's his mother who apparently regrets her decision to tell the daughter about it. This kid didn't go do it directly. He told a fully grown adult, probably because he's been taught it's a bad habit, and then she told the daughter and now the daughter is acting like a spoiled brat about it and causing drama. I don't fault the mother for telling her, because it is her daughter and she might have cared, I don't know. But there was no reason for her to be mad about it. She could have just said, Oh, I know and I don't care. Thanks for letting me know, though.

 

It's the mom's fault. And he shouldn't be ostracized for it. That tells me his mother is weak and blaming him for it instead of taking responsibility herself. Or god forbid the BIL take responsibility.

 

If I were the son, I'd stand up to mom and tell her, Hey, you're the adult -- if you thought it was so wrong to bring it up, why are you the one who told sister about it? That oughta shut her up.

 

Now, one word to the son, the poster: Obviously you are very angry about this whole thing and looking for anything to hate the BIL for at this point, like going to the gym. I get your point about this probably did cause a division between them - but it's him who did it, not you. BUT the details of that are none of your business and should be private between those two. The sister is probably embarrassed that others think she should be upset about it and she isn't that upset, that's all. So she's defensive.

 

But I will say that you need to zip it about any other petty little comments about his weight or them not sleeping together or any of that business. Because that's you being defensive too because you're being unfairly blamed. But two wrongs don't make a right. Tell your mom she's the one who reported it and made sister mad, and then stop being involved in at all and you owe it to your family to be polite and not causing any drama by looking for things to criticize. Let them deal with it themselves so they have no one else to blame if it implodes on them.

 

Actually, having reconsidered this, I think the post quoted above makes some really good points. It was the mom who ran to the sister about what the OP told her. The sister said it wasn't true and got angry at the OP and for some reason the mom then turned on the OP too. That is odd behaviour for a mom. Either she is not entirely stable herself or there is more to this than the OP is sharing.

[Battlefront]

Actually, having reconsidered this, I think the post quoted above makes some really good points. It was the mom who ran to the sister about what the OP told her. The sister said it wasn't true and got angry at the OP and for some reason the mom then turned on the OP too. That is odd behaviour for a mom. Either she is not entirely stable herself or there is more to this than the OP is sharing.

 

It the whole grandchild thingy. Mum wants a close relationship to her grandkid, plus well mum didn't have much luck with men either. She was married 5 times, 3 times before I was born. 90% of the women at church or single, there hasn't been a marriage in the church for 5 years yada yada, but there has been divorce parties so mum has an image to preserve.

 

Don't get the martyrdom picture and how that benefits our family. Yes I told mum about the porn and the way he talks to her an example is when he left the basement door opened and my sister asked why he left the basement door open with the baby crawling about? You leave the door open too. His how he replied to her, constantly I find myself closing doors that you've left open. Then he ignores her and continues making facial gestures at her.

 

Look if it's a relationship at least we can all agree that's it's not a complimentive one.

[MidwestUSA]

We don't talk! Can't stand to be around him. Who'd be into him?

 

You've gone out with him late at night/early morning to McDonald's and Starbucks. Why?

 

How does your sister feel about that?

[Ferret]

It's the porn that makes her boring or ugly especially after watching a lot of it. I'd say that porn has ruined a lot of relationships, who wants a wife when they can have porn and fantasy. Suppose those models are thinner than my sister. Why doesn't she tell him move out of the home?

 

 

Actually porn can make relationships closer but there has to be a good foundation to start off with witch it sounds like there isn't and im sorry but I don't think your sister in totally without fault in that. You are looking at the world with a very narrow viewpoint porn is not why their relationship is failing its a by product of it falling simple as that...

 

Hes using the porn cause hes not attracted to her anymore if hes not attracted to her and she refuses to try to work on that then she has no right to expect him to force himself to want to sleep with her how is that a hard concept..

[stillafool]

Again, OP when are you planning to move out? Have you been looking?

[Battlefront]

Actually porn can make relationships closer but there has to be a good foundation to start off with witch it sounds like there isn't and im sorry but I don't think your sister in totally without fault in that. You are looking at the world with a very narrow viewpoint porn is not why their relationship is failing its a by product of it falling simple as that...

 

Hes using the porn cause hes not attracted to her anymore if hes not attracted to her and she refuses to try to work on that then she has no right to expect him to force himself to want to sleep with her how is that a hard concept..

 

Porn builds positive relationships even if he is looking at other women and imagining making love to them? Wouldnt he get tired of looking at his wife after seeing all those women? Your idea of porn enhancing relationships is revolutionary!!!

[turnera]

Here's the bottom line. Neither you nor your sister grew up watching a healthy family. Your sister watched her mom trade guys like old gum and, apparently, keep picking trash guys. How else is your sister supposed to pick a guy other than emulating her mom?

 

You talk about how powerless you are, well, don't you think your sister feels the same way? And she's never had a decent father figure to teach her that she should respect herself (we learn that from our dads, not our moms), so how's she supposed to know she can get better? And now she has a baby, so she probably feels REALLY stuck.

 

Sounds like it's all about the money in your family - as in, NO money so no options. I have no doubt your sister feels the same way.

 

So what can you do? You can change the pattern. You can be the one in your family to do it 'smarter.' To choose better. To put yourself first and NOT need a man to find your own self worth.

 

Just by coming here, you're taking a step in the right direction. I told my DD25 that high school was for having fun, going on dates with different guys and not getting serious, since almost nobody stays together after high school. I told her that college is for trying on guys a little more seriously, to see what kind of guy you're a good fit with, but still not getting serious - you have too much to get done on your own! I told her that, once she graduates college, THEN start looking around for a good long-term partner. By then, you've gotten your degree and can take care of yourself and not NEED a guy for money (as your sister has now found herself). By doing that, you can afford to be selective, and turn down guys who turn out to be duds. Wait for the good one.

 

So my advice to you is to try to take my advice to my DD25. Put yourself first, focus on getting an education and becoming self sufficient, grow your career, and put guys on the back burner until you are financially self sufficient. This will have two benefits. First, it will help YOU keep from repeating your mom's and sister's bad choices. And second, it will show your sister that SHE has a choice, that SHE can strive toward becoming self sufficient so that she comes to feel she doesn't have to settle for an unhappy life.

[Battlefront]

Here's the bottom line. Neither you nor your sister grew up watching a healthy family. Your sister watched her mom trade guys like old gum and, apparently, keep picking trash guys. How else is your sister supposed to pick a guy other than emulating her mom?

 

You talk about how powerless you are, well, don't you think your sister feels the same way? And she's never had a decent father figure to teach her that she should respect herself (we learn that from our dads, not our moms), so how's she supposed to know she can get better? And now she has a baby, so she probably feels REALLY stuck.

 

Sounds like it's all about the money in your family - as in, NO money so no options. I have no doubt your sister feels the same way.

 

So what can you do? You can change the pattern. You can be the one in your family to do it 'smarter.' To choose better. To put yourself first and NOT need a man to find your own self worth.

 

Just by coming here, you're taking a step in the right direction. I told my DD25 that high school was for having fun, going on dates with different guys and not getting serious, since almost nobody stays together after high school. I told her that college is for trying on guys a little more seriously, to see what kind of guy you're a good fit with, but still not getting serious - you have too much to get done on your own! I told her that, once she graduates college, THEN start looking around for a good long-term partner. By then, you've gotten your degree and can take care of yourself and not NEED a guy for money (as your sister has now found herself). By doing that, you can afford to be selective, and turn down guys who turn out to be duds. Wait for the good one.

 

So my advice to you is to try to take my advice to my DD25. Put yourself first, focus on getting an education and becoming self sufficient, grow your career, and put guys on the back burner until you are financially self sufficient. This will have two benefits. First, it will help YOU keep from repeating your mom's and sister's bad choices. And second, it will show your sister that SHE has a choice, that SHE can strive toward becoming self sufficient so that she comes to feel she doesn't have to settle for an unhappy life.

 

Really! It's all about money and options? Hmm... How so?

[turnera]

Well, you mentioned how you did something questionable (hang out with an older man, sister's boyfriend, at 3 am, just because he offers you something as small as McDonalds, etc.), and this was apparently when you were 16 or 17?

 

I tried to date a guy when I was 16, he was 28. My mom had a fit. She didn't forbid me, but she made it clear she was NOT happy and would be watching me like a hawk. Didn't last, of course. But listening to her concern for me made a huge impact on me. And she wouldn't have let me go out at 2am, no matter WHO I was with.

 

So I see a couple of things. One, you guys don't have much money, from the way you talk. So money means a lot. I get that. My mom left when I turned 18 and I had to learn how to survive on $1.35/hour. Money's a big deal. And not having it controls what you expect, what you dream of. If you don't have someone pushing you to achieve great things, sometimes it never occurs to you that you can achieve great things. So you settle. BTDT.

 

And two, neither you nor your sister seem to have had much oversight and guidance. Like I said, your sister probably never thought she had any options, so staying with this guy is probably as good as she can get. She's settled. You aren't likely going to be able to convince her she has any other options.

 

Now, if money was no option, it's a fair bet you AND your sister would be choosing different paths. College, moving, training, whatever. Money gives you options. And courage. Without it, well, think on all the people all over the world who suffer, when if they only had money, they would get themselves out of a bad situation.

 

So, yeah, money and options. Your sister probably doesn't have much of either, especially with a kid - unless she starts taking online classes and gets a degree. You, however, you've been showing initiative and drive and curiosity to learn and improve. I think you'll be fine - as long as you pursue a degree of some sort.

[Battlefront]

Are you sure you haven't had an affair with this brother in law? All your info points to you wanting to break them apart - all the while meeting with him at odd hours.

 

You seem a little too interested in everything he does - are you his OW?

 

No I never had an affair with him, nor did I ever want an affair with him. He invited me to out to get food or coffee and my sis asked me to go with him. Truly if it hadn't got me something I wouldn't have gone. Mum told me that his complaints were just marital woes and nothing to be concerned about.

 

But when he called her flat top in front of everybody at the church potluck and everybody laughed, I don't see it as marital woes to me this contempt. Wouldn't you agree?!

[SpiralOut]

Stop focusing on how much you dislike him. Instead, focus on becoming more outspoken. You should be standing up for your sister when he puts her down. I'm wondering if part of your frustration is with yourself for not doing anything. You shouldn't interfere with their relationship, or tell your mother about his porn habits, but that doesn't mean that you can't say to him "don't talk about my sister like that" the next time he complains to you about her.