Mom wants me to leave!

[Ferret]

Porn builds positive relationships even if he is looking at other women and imagining making love to them? Wouldnt he get tired of looking at his wife after seeing all those women? Your idea of porn enhancing relationships is revolutionary!!!

 

Actually its not that revolutionary two adults who are attracted to each other can use porn to help spice things up even more. BUT they must be attracted to each other in this situation they clearly are not. If a guy is attracted to his partner he usually doesn't tire of her. But ive explained this before you just refuse to acknowledge that any of that could be your sisters fault it must just be him..

[Battlefront]

Actually its not that revolutionary two adults who are attracted to each other can use porn to help spice things up even more. BUT they must be attracted to each other in this situation they clearly are not. If a guy is attracted to his partner he usually doesn't tire of her. But ive explained this before you just refuse to acknowledge that any of that could be your sisters fault it must just be him..

 

Hmm... But if two ppl are attracted to one another, why should porn enhance their love making?how would porn make me spicer? Must say you're a woman of your time. Clearly seeing concepts that I alone can't fathom.

[turnera]

Hmm... But if two ppl are attracted to one another, why should porn enhance their love making?how would porn make me spicer? Must say you're a woman of your time. Clearly seeing concepts that I alone can't fathom.

My H and I used to go to adult stores all the time and pick out a DVD to watch together when we wanted to get frisky. For some reason, it helped me get in the mood. We would laugh at the corniness of the videos, but at the same time, it got us in the mood.

[anika99]

OP you're assuming that men who watch porn actually want to be with the women starring in the videos. Most people watch porn just to get turned on and to make masturbation or love making with their partner a little hotter and more exciting. Like a woman might want to use a vibrator for some extra stimulation but she doesn't want to run away and marry her vibrator. Porn is just a sex tool for some added oomph.

 

If your intentions are good then you should be standing up for your sister and defending her when her husband makes disparaging comments about her. If you are going to hang out with him and sit silently while he puts your sister down to you then you really don't care about her.

[Battlefront]

OP you're assuming that men who watch porn actually want to be with the women starring in the videos. Most people watch porn just to get turned on and to make masturbation or love making with their partner a little hotter and more exciting. Like a woman might want to use a vibrator for some extra stimulation but she doesn't want to run away and marry her vibrator. Porn is just a sex tool for some added oomph.

 

If your intentions are good then you should be standing up for your sister and defending her when her husband makes disparaging comments about her. If you are going to hang out with him and sit silently while he puts your sister down to you then you really don't care about her.

 

We don't hangout... If I understand you correctly for him to be attracted to her and to have sex with her he must look at another woman. In that case why doesn't he go find that woman or another woman why stay with her what's so special about her?

 

Doesn't it seem like a chore And a painful, traumatic event for him that he has to find porn and become erect? Why not simply say goodbye I don't want to be with you anymore because I'm not sexually attracted to you anymore why stay?

Edited March 2, 2016 by Battlefront

[turnera]

We don't hangout... If I understand you correctly for him to be attracted to her and to have sex with her he must look at another woman.

Now you're just being silly.

 

People don't HAVE to use porn in order to have sex. What did we do for the 10,000 years before porn if that was true?

 

People CAN use porn, as couples, to enhance their situation.

 

Now, of course, we've already discussed your sister's situation, and nobody thinks it's healthy. She should leave him but she has no money and no options. So she stays.

 

As others have said, given the situation, the best thing YOU can do is stand up for her when he acts like a d*ck. Maybe teach her how to stand up for herself. What have you got to lose?

[anika99]

We don't hangout... If I understand you correctly for him to be attracted to her and to have sex with her he must look at another woman. In that case why doesn't he go find that woman or another woman why stay with her what's so special about her?

 

Doesn't it seem like a chore And a painful, traumatic event for him that he has to find porn and become erect? Why not simply say goodbye I don't want to be with you anymore because I'm not sexually attracted to you anymore why stay?

 

That's not even remotely close to anything I said. You don't understand because you don't want to. You just twisted my words to suit your narrative and to further your argument. In any case, your BIL is not your husband and his porn is not your problem. If your sister has a problem with it then she can deal with it. You have said you have gone out with him and listened to him bad mouth your sister. Now you say that you haven't. Make up your mind.

[Ferret]

We don't hangout... If I understand you correctly for him to be attracted to her and to have sex with her he must look at another woman. In that case why doesn't he go find that woman or another woman why stay with her what's so special about her?

 

Doesn't it seem like a chore And a painful, traumatic event for him that he has to find porn and become erect? Why not simply say goodbye I don't want to be with you anymore because I'm not sexually attracted to you anymore why stay?

 

 

Have you ever considered its because he dose genuinely love her and wants things to work out but its hard at the moment? to the best of anyone's knowledge hes not cheating on her with any other women..hes just getting off on porn because there is issues in their relationship.

 

You keep focusing on "him him him" why doesn't he do this why doesn't he do that and what exactly is your sister doing in all of this? what is she doing to work on things? end of the day you don't really know we don't we can all only go on what the outer appearance is.

 

And the funny thing about that is there is always three sides to a story his hers and the truth. You rush to crucify this man who has not even cheated on your sister. Far as his "name calling" no that's not exceptable but I some how get the feeling your sister is not a saint in all of this ether nor her family.

 

Honestly just let them be move on with your life you have expressed your concern that's all you can do now anything further just makes you bitter and twisted family drama is not healthy for any one involved..

[ZHguy]

People are allowed to watch porn, as much as they want, and you can't do anything about it, neither can you interfere in somebody else relationship, if you already aren't.

[phillyisfun]

Actually, having reconsidered this, I think the post quoted above makes some really good points. It was the mom who ran to the sister about what the OP told her. The sister said it wasn't true and got angry at the OP and for some reason the mom then turned on the OP too. That is odd behaviour for a mom. Either she is not entirely stable herself or there is more to this than the OP is sharing.

 

The OP tattled to Mom, who then talked to sis. So yes, it IS the OP who was the "snitch."

 

This shouldn't even be an issue. If OP was going to tell anyone, it should have been the sister, and once the sister made it clear that OP should back off...OP should back. off.

[stillafool]

How is your hunt for a new place coming along?

[Battlefront]

Have you ever considered its because he dose genuinely love her and wants things to work out but its hard at the moment? to the best of anyone's knowledge hes not cheating on her with any other women..hes just getting off on porn because there is issues in their relationship.

 

You keep focusing on "him him him" why doesn't he do this why doesn't he do that and what exactly is your sister doing in all of this? what is she doing to work on things? end of the day you don't really know we don't we can all only go on what the outer appearance is.

 

And the funny thing about that is there is always three sides to a story his hers and the truth. You rush to crucify this man who has not even cheated on your sister. Far as his "name calling" no that's not exceptable but I some how get the feeling your sister is not a saint in all of this ether nor her family.

 

Honestly just let them be move on with your life you have expressed your concern that's all you can do now anything further just makes you bitter and twisted family drama is not healthy for any one involved..

 

My sister has said to me that I want him to be thinking just about me. So him watching porn is definitely not thinking about her in reality he's thinking about some other girl or who's ever in that porn video.

 

Besides the fact that he decides to abandon her to watching porn isn't that a form of contempt? Could you really love somebody and watch porn what's the difference and watching porn and doing it in real life why don't we say as long as you have no feelings for that person you're sleeping with help yourself.

 

Here's something new why don't we give them the ultimate birthday present and send him down to the massage parlor. Maybe we could make it an annual event something that he can look forward to. Hey there's no difference between porn and sex.

 

How could you be in love when you have no love for that person I'm not in love with you but I love you with the love of Christ. I find you repulsive and fat but I love you with the love of Christ is what he tells her. Who knows why my sister won't say anything to him I'm been asking myself the same questions and asking you guys why she puts up with it.

[Ferret]

My sister has said to me that I want him to be thinking just about me. So him watching porn is definitely not thinking about her in reality he's thinking about some other girl or who's ever in that porn video.

 

Besides the fact that he decides to abandon her to watching porn isn't that a form of contempt? Could you really love somebody and watch porn what's the difference and watching porn and doing it in real life why don't we say as long as you have no feelings for that person you're sleeping with help yourself.

 

Here's something new why don't we give them the ultimate birthday present and send him down to the massage parlor. Maybe we could make it an annual event something that he can look forward to. Hey there's no difference between porn and sex.

 

How could you be in love when you have no love for that person I'm not in love with you but I love you with the love of Christ. I find you repulsive and fat but I love you with the love of Christ is what he tells her. Who knows why my sister won't say anything to him I'm been asking myself the same questions and asking you guys why she puts up with it.

 

I will ask you this again for the 4th time or so I think now..Hes clearly not attracted to her shes clearly let herself go that's not in dispute so what is she doing about that?

 

She demands him to "want only her" yet shes let herself go it doesn't work that way im sorry..hes basically saying im just not attracted to you anymore but I am respecting our marriage vows the man cant be any blunter about it..

 

At this point since it seams shes not interested in keeping herself in the shape she was in when they got together he should just divorce her and move on..it would save a lot of grief.

 

Men are visual creatures they do not "love" the same way women do they take most at face value for a lot of guys its the outside package that gets and holds their interests why women cant understand that is beyond me.."I can make him love my personality" umm no you really cant and 9 times out of ten you wont it will just end bad..

Edited March 4, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude ~T

[Battlefront]

I will ask you this again for the 4th time or so I think now..Hes clearly not attracted to her shes clearly let herself go that's not in dispute so what is she doing about that?

 

She demands him to "want only her" yet shes let herself go it doesn't work that way im sorry..hes basically saying im just not attracted to you anymore but I am respecting our marriage vows the man cant be any blunter about it..

 

At this point since it seams shes not interested in keeping herself in the shape she was in when they got together he should just divorce her and move on..it would save a lot of grief.

 

Men are visual creatures they do not "love" the same way women do they take most at face value for a lot of guys its the outside package that gets and holds their interests why women cant understand that is beyond me.."I can make him love my personality" umm no you really cant and 9 times out of ten you wont it will just end bad..

By your thinking it safe to say that, if a man doesn't have money than his spouse will leave him and justifiably. In short love is an illusion. man is a selfish and isolated creature consuming what he needs than spits the rest of it out.

Edited March 4, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude ~T

[anika99]

The OP tattled to Mom, who then talked to sis. So yes, it IS the OP who was the "snitch."

 

This shouldn't even be an issue. If OP was going to tell anyone, it should have been the sister, and once the sister made it clear that OP should back off...OP should back. off.

 

On this I both agree and disagree. I don't think the OP should have told the mother but I think she is young and didn't really think that through.

 

However, if were going to assign blame to someone for kicking this whole thing off, that blame belongs to the BIL. The OP says she was out with him at starbucks or something when she noticed he watching porn, so it sounds like he was watching it on his phone or tablet. I'm all for people doing whatever they want in privacy but who the hell goes to a coffee shop and watches porn and then complains that someone talked about it? I mean how pathetic is it that he was watching porn in public and in front of his young SIL. He couldn't wait until he was somewhere discreet to view his nudie show? If he didn't want anyone to know then he's an idiot for doing it in front of the OP.

[anika99]

I will ask you this again for the 4th time or so I think now..Hes clearly not attracted to her shes clearly let herself go that's not in dispute so what is she doing about that?

 

She demands him to "want only her" yet shes let herself go it doesn't work that way im sorry..hes basically saying im just not attracted to you anymore but I am respecting our marriage vows the man cant be any blunter about it..

 

At this point since it seams shes not interested in keeping herself in the shape she was in when they got together he should just divorce her and move on..it would save a lot of grief.

 

Men are visual creatures they do not "love" the same way women do they take most at face value for a lot of guys its the outside package that gets and holds their interests why women cant understand that is beyond me.."I can make him love my personality" umm no you really cant and 9 times out of ten you wont it will just end bad..

 

I remember feeling the same way about porn when I was her age. I used to get into huge fights with my first love over porn because at that age I was a mixture of being idealistic, romantic and also insecure and jealous. To me loving me meant that you would never even so much as look at another woman, much less watch one get naked and perform sex acts. I didn't understand that in most cases porn is only an aid, a tool to enhance sex, and most guys forget about the women in the porno the moment they shut the movie off.

 

However some guys do obsess over porn stars and have problems relating and having relationships with real life women. Also some guys do have porn addictions that do negatively impact their relationships. So it's not like the OP is completely off the mark in everything she says. I just agree that she's being overly judgemental and that she should stay out of her sister's marriage.

Edited March 4, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
reply to edited post ~T

[circlesinfinity]

Generally one size doesn't fit all. If a young child is in a household where porn is in view during their cognitive years , Its probably not wise to be airing it with them around. Its adult material not for kids.(yes this Op is of age, but barely)

 

The Op followed her standards in discussing it with her mother. The issue escalated when denial was chanted. I tend to think that its the denial that is also at issue. Basically he is calling her a liar with her statement. Not a healthy way to deal with a matter.

 

Op, I think you are being a protective younger sister. The reality is your sister is capable of attending to this habit. Its not yours to meddle in. Thru life you will need to tone down and sometimes hold tongue. This maybe one of those times.

 

I do understand that you are being cast in an unkind light. I think you mean well yet the method used was not productive. Just as you will find family can be a bonding experience or a wedge. Work on bonding... the wedge didn't work.

I agree...

[Battlefront]

People are allowed to watch porn, as much as they want, and you can't do anything about it, neither can you interfere in somebody else relationship, if you already aren't.

 

I don't watch porn nor do I know anyone (women) else who looks at porn. The fact that he looked at porn in front of me demonstrates disdain and contempt for my sister.

 

If he was with someone who he was trying to impress he wouldn't look at porn.

[Tayla]

Battlefront, Just wanted to drop in and see how you are fairing? I think you are making slow improvements

 

I sincerely wish you well!

[Battlefront]

Now you're just being silly.

 

People don't HAVE to use porn in order to have sex. What did we do for the 10,000 years before porn if that was true?

 

People CAN use porn, as couples, to enhance their situation.

 

Now, of course, we've already discussed your sister's situation, and nobody thinks it's healthy. She should leave him but she has no money and no options. So she stays.

Not soo. She substitutes teaches getting $200.00 for an easy days work. Surely she could find full time employment albeit she wants to stay home with kid. Plus mum has income her ex husband pays her alimony of $1500 a month. My dad pays her $800.00 a month. Don't forget mum has job as well. Then there's another rich sister who gives her money. Poverty isn't a problem how do think he gets Xbox one?

As others have said, given the situation, the best thing YOU can do is stand up for her when he acts like a d*ck. Maybe teach her how to stand up for herself. What have you got to lose?

 

When I've stood up to him in the past I was spanked by mum. Bear in mind my sister was the person who ratted me out to me mum, had she kept quiet mum wouldn't have known about. Why does she allow him to publicly redicule her in public. We were at IHOP years back, and he told her to back off the all you can eat pancakes. "Your butt is so fat that 1000 starving ppl could feast of off it" is what he said publicly in IHOP sis started to fell bad and I rebuked him for it and when I got home mum wupped me. However all the way home in the car my sister was sulking for being rediculed in pubic, think she may have cried in the washroom since her eyes were glossy. So why does she stay with him!?

Edited March 4, 2016 by Battlefront

[Ferret]

By your thinking it safe to say that, if a man doesn't have money than his spouse will leave him and justifiably. In short love is an illusion. man is a selfish and isolated creature consuming what he needs than spits the rest of it out.

 

You got it welcome to adult life! and yes financial issues can and do pull marriages apart every day sadly and some times its just how it has to be its not fun but its a reality.

 

life doesn't always have the fairly tale ending just cause one walks down the isle marriages take work on both ends and even then some times it just doesn't work out..

[turnera]

By your thinking it safe to say that, if a man doesn't have money than his spouse will leave him and justifiably. In short love is an illusion. man is a selfish and isolated creature consuming what he needs than spits the rest of it out.

No, the point is that a marriage is complicated. It involves being aware of what your spouse wants and needs, and making sure that YOU are the only person who meets those needs, so that they stay wanting to be married. Just like if he stopped being the great guy she thought she married, she would eventually stop wanting to be with him. Men ARE visual creatures, and a woman's looks are usually one of a man's top 3 or 4 needs. It's just the way the male mind works, and women who marry men need to remember that. Just like if a wife decides she doesn't want sex anymore, doesn't need it, for whatever reason, she should be prepared that her husband will get tired of going without, and probably will either leave her or cheat on her. Sex is often a man's TOP emotional need.

 

This is about being realistic. You can wish and hope your sister's marriage will be what you think it is, but that's not reality. They BOTH owe it to each other to meet each other's needs.

[turnera]

I don't watch porn nor do I know anyone (women) else who looks at porn. The fact that he looked at porn in front of me demonstrates disdain and contempt for my sister.

 

If he was with someone who he was trying to impress he wouldn't look at porn.

Of course you don't know anyone who looks at porn. You're 18.

 

The truth is, there is a LOT of it out there and there are millions of people who use it. And not all of them are perverts. I'm not, I've used it to enhance our sexual encounters.

 

Now does your BIL have disdain for your sister? Probably. She has low standards, so she has taught him how (poorly) to treat her; but that doesn't make this all HIS fault or his problem. She is also to blame for accepting the poor treatment and not striving for more. I don't see you trying to talk HER into changing.

 

Bottom line, you can't change him. You can't even change your sister. All you can do is learn more on your own, maybe share it with your sister, and hope she decides to reach for more.

[turnera]

When I've stood up to him in the past I was spanked by mum. Bear in mind my sister was the person who ratted me out to me mum, had she kept quiet mum wouldn't have known about. Why does she allow him to publicly ridicule her in public. We were at IHOP years back, and he told her to back off the all you can eat pancakes. "Your butt is so fat that 1000 starving ppl could feast of off it" is what he said publicly in IHOP sis started to fell bad and I rebuked him for it and when I got home mum wupped me. However all the way home in the car my sister was sulking for being ridiculed in pubic, think she may have cried in the washroom since her eyes were glossy. So why does she stay with him!?

Because - like I said - she has low self esteem and doesn't know that she can get better treatment out there. This isn't his problem; not even his fault. It's HER fault because she accepts it. If you want to work on something, work on getting HER to go to therapy. Get her to work more and save the money. Get her to the point where she sees she has options so that when he gets really rude, she can pick up the baby and go stay in a hotel or something.

[BettyDraper]

Well, you mentioned how you did something questionable (hang out with an older man, sister's boyfriend, at 3 am, just because he offers you something as small as McDonalds, etc.), and this was apparently when you were 16 or 17?

 

I tried to date a guy when I was 16, he was 28. My mom had a fit. She didn't forbid me, but she made it clear she was NOT happy and would be watching me like a hawk. Didn't last, of course. But listening to her concern for me made a huge impact on me. And she wouldn't have let me go out at 2am, no matter WHO I was with.

 

So I see a couple of things. One, you guys don't have much money, from the way you talk. So money means a lot. I get that. My mom left when I turned 18 and I had to learn how to survive on $1.35/hour. Money's a big deal. And not having it controls what you expect, what you dream of. If you don't have someone pushing you to achieve great things, sometimes it never occurs to you that you can achieve great things. So you settle. BTDT.

 

And two, neither you nor your sister seem to have had much oversight and guidance. Like I said, your sister probably never thought she had any options, so staying with this guy is probably as good as she can get. She's settled. You aren't likely going to be able to convince her she has any other options.

 

Now, if money was no option, it's a fair bet you AND your sister would be choosing different paths. College, moving, training, whatever. Money gives you options. And courage. Without it, well, think on all the people all over the world who suffer, when if they only had money, they would get themselves out of a bad situation.

 

So, yeah, money and options. Your sister probably doesn't have much of either, especially with a kid - unless she starts taking online classes and gets a degree. You, however, you've been showing initiative and drive and curiosity to learn and improve. I think you'll be fine - as long as you pursue a degree of some sort.

 

I agree with all of this.

 

I will add that an abuse victim will even leave her relationship without money when she's had enough.