Mom wants me to leave!

[anika99]

I will ask you this again for the 4th time or so I think now..Hes clearly not attracted to her shes clearly let herself go that's not in dispute so what is she doing about that?

 

She demands him to "want only her" yet shes let herself go it doesn't work that way im sorry..hes basically saying im just not attracted to you anymore but I am respecting our marriage vows the man cant be any blunter about it..

 

At this point since it seams shes not interested in keeping herself in the shape she was in when they got together he should just divorce her and move on..it would save a lot of grief.

 

Men are visual creatures they do not "love" the same way women do they take most at face value for a lot of guys its the outside package that gets and holds their interests why women cant understand that is beyond me.."I can make him love my personality" umm no you really cant and 9 times out of ten you wont it will just end bad..

 

I remember feeling the same way about porn when I was her age. I used to get into huge fights with my first love over porn because at that age I was a mixture of being idealistic, romantic and also insecure and jealous. To me loving me meant that you would never even so much as look at another woman, much less watch one get naked and perform sex acts. I didn't understand that in most cases porn is only an aid, a tool to enhance sex, and most guys forget about the women in the porno the moment they shut the movie off.

 

However some guys do obsess over porn stars and have problems relating and having relationships with real life women. Also some guys do have porn addictions that do negatively impact their relationships. So it's not like the OP is completely off the mark in everything she says. I just agree that she's being overly judgemental and that she should stay out of her sister's marriage.

Edited March 4, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
reply to edited post ~T

[circlesinfinity]

Generally one size doesn't fit all. If a young child is in a household where porn is in view during their cognitive years , Its probably not wise to be airing it with them around. Its adult material not for kids.(yes this Op is of age, but barely)

 

The Op followed her standards in discussing it with her mother. The issue escalated when denial was chanted. I tend to think that its the denial that is also at issue. Basically he is calling her a liar with her statement. Not a healthy way to deal with a matter.

 

Op, I think you are being a protective younger sister. The reality is your sister is capable of attending to this habit. Its not yours to meddle in. Thru life you will need to tone down and sometimes hold tongue. This maybe one of those times.

 

I do understand that you are being cast in an unkind light. I think you mean well yet the method used was not productive. Just as you will find family can be a bonding experience or a wedge. Work on bonding... the wedge didn't work.

I agree...

[Battlefront]

People are allowed to watch porn, as much as they want, and you can't do anything about it, neither can you interfere in somebody else relationship, if you already aren't.

 

I don't watch porn nor do I know anyone (women) else who looks at porn. The fact that he looked at porn in front of me demonstrates disdain and contempt for my sister.

 

If he was with someone who he was trying to impress he wouldn't look at porn.

[Tayla]

Battlefront, Just wanted to drop in and see how you are fairing? I think you are making slow improvements

 

I sincerely wish you well!

[Battlefront]

Now you're just being silly.

 

People don't HAVE to use porn in order to have sex. What did we do for the 10,000 years before porn if that was true?

 

People CAN use porn, as couples, to enhance their situation.

 

Now, of course, we've already discussed your sister's situation, and nobody thinks it's healthy. She should leave him but she has no money and no options. So she stays.

Not soo. She substitutes teaches getting $200.00 for an easy days work. Surely she could find full time employment albeit she wants to stay home with kid. Plus mum has income her ex husband pays her alimony of $1500 a month. My dad pays her $800.00 a month. Don't forget mum has job as well. Then there's another rich sister who gives her money. Poverty isn't a problem how do think he gets Xbox one?

As others have said, given the situation, the best thing YOU can do is stand up for her when he acts like a d*ck. Maybe teach her how to stand up for herself. What have you got to lose?

 

When I've stood up to him in the past I was spanked by mum. Bear in mind my sister was the person who ratted me out to me mum, had she kept quiet mum wouldn't have known about. Why does she allow him to publicly redicule her in public. We were at IHOP years back, and he told her to back off the all you can eat pancakes. "Your butt is so fat that 1000 starving ppl could feast of off it" is what he said publicly in IHOP sis started to fell bad and I rebuked him for it and when I got home mum wupped me. However all the way home in the car my sister was sulking for being rediculed in pubic, think she may have cried in the washroom since her eyes were glossy. So why does she stay with him!?

Edited March 4, 2016 by Battlefront

[Ferret]

By your thinking it safe to say that, if a man doesn't have money than his spouse will leave him and justifiably. In short love is an illusion. man is a selfish and isolated creature consuming what he needs than spits the rest of it out.

 

You got it welcome to adult life! and yes financial issues can and do pull marriages apart every day sadly and some times its just how it has to be its not fun but its a reality.

 

life doesn't always have the fairly tale ending just cause one walks down the isle marriages take work on both ends and even then some times it just doesn't work out..

[turnera]

By your thinking it safe to say that, if a man doesn't have money than his spouse will leave him and justifiably. In short love is an illusion. man is a selfish and isolated creature consuming what he needs than spits the rest of it out.

No, the point is that a marriage is complicated. It involves being aware of what your spouse wants and needs, and making sure that YOU are the only person who meets those needs, so that they stay wanting to be married. Just like if he stopped being the great guy she thought she married, she would eventually stop wanting to be with him. Men ARE visual creatures, and a woman's looks are usually one of a man's top 3 or 4 needs. It's just the way the male mind works, and women who marry men need to remember that. Just like if a wife decides she doesn't want sex anymore, doesn't need it, for whatever reason, she should be prepared that her husband will get tired of going without, and probably will either leave her or cheat on her. Sex is often a man's TOP emotional need.

 

This is about being realistic. You can wish and hope your sister's marriage will be what you think it is, but that's not reality. They BOTH owe it to each other to meet each other's needs.

[turnera]

I don't watch porn nor do I know anyone (women) else who looks at porn. The fact that he looked at porn in front of me demonstrates disdain and contempt for my sister.

 

If he was with someone who he was trying to impress he wouldn't look at porn.

Of course you don't know anyone who looks at porn. You're 18.

 

The truth is, there is a LOT of it out there and there are millions of people who use it. And not all of them are perverts. I'm not, I've used it to enhance our sexual encounters.

 

Now does your BIL have disdain for your sister? Probably. She has low standards, so she has taught him how (poorly) to treat her; but that doesn't make this all HIS fault or his problem. She is also to blame for accepting the poor treatment and not striving for more. I don't see you trying to talk HER into changing.

 

Bottom line, you can't change him. You can't even change your sister. All you can do is learn more on your own, maybe share it with your sister, and hope she decides to reach for more.

[turnera]

When I've stood up to him in the past I was spanked by mum. Bear in mind my sister was the person who ratted me out to me mum, had she kept quiet mum wouldn't have known about. Why does she allow him to publicly ridicule her in public. We were at IHOP years back, and he told her to back off the all you can eat pancakes. "Your butt is so fat that 1000 starving ppl could feast of off it" is what he said publicly in IHOP sis started to fell bad and I rebuked him for it and when I got home mum wupped me. However all the way home in the car my sister was sulking for being ridiculed in pubic, think she may have cried in the washroom since her eyes were glossy. So why does she stay with him!?

Because - like I said - she has low self esteem and doesn't know that she can get better treatment out there. This isn't his problem; not even his fault. It's HER fault because she accepts it. If you want to work on something, work on getting HER to go to therapy. Get her to work more and save the money. Get her to the point where she sees she has options so that when he gets really rude, she can pick up the baby and go stay in a hotel or something.

[BettyDraper]

Well, you mentioned how you did something questionable (hang out with an older man, sister's boyfriend, at 3 am, just because he offers you something as small as McDonalds, etc.), and this was apparently when you were 16 or 17?

 

I tried to date a guy when I was 16, he was 28. My mom had a fit. She didn't forbid me, but she made it clear she was NOT happy and would be watching me like a hawk. Didn't last, of course. But listening to her concern for me made a huge impact on me. And she wouldn't have let me go out at 2am, no matter WHO I was with.

 

So I see a couple of things. One, you guys don't have much money, from the way you talk. So money means a lot. I get that. My mom left when I turned 18 and I had to learn how to survive on $1.35/hour. Money's a big deal. And not having it controls what you expect, what you dream of. If you don't have someone pushing you to achieve great things, sometimes it never occurs to you that you can achieve great things. So you settle. BTDT.

 

And two, neither you nor your sister seem to have had much oversight and guidance. Like I said, your sister probably never thought she had any options, so staying with this guy is probably as good as she can get. She's settled. You aren't likely going to be able to convince her she has any other options.

 

Now, if money was no option, it's a fair bet you AND your sister would be choosing different paths. College, moving, training, whatever. Money gives you options. And courage. Without it, well, think on all the people all over the world who suffer, when if they only had money, they would get themselves out of a bad situation.

 

So, yeah, money and options. Your sister probably doesn't have much of either, especially with a kid - unless she starts taking online classes and gets a degree. You, however, you've been showing initiative and drive and curiosity to learn and improve. I think you'll be fine - as long as you pursue a degree of some sort.

 

I agree with all of this.

 

I will add that an abuse victim will even leave her relationship without money when she's had enough.

[Ferret]

I agree with all of this.

 

I will add that an abuse victim will even leave her relationship without money when she's had enough.

 

 

Agreed true "abuse" victims will leave once they hit that point I really don't think ops sister is really being "abused" I think this is a marriage that has just fallen apart over time each has their role in that process of course but being young the OP only sees the guys fault..

 

I also think that she knows more guys who look at porn then she realizes lets face it high school guys are not saints nor for that matter the females these days.

Edited March 4, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BettyDraper]

Agreed true "abuse" victims will leave once they hit that point I really don't think ops sister is really being "abused" I think this is a marriage that has just fallen apart over time each has their role in that process of course but being young the OP only sees the guys fault..

 

I also think that she knows more guys who look at porn then she realizes lets face it high school guys are not saints nor for that matter the females these days.

 

I consider making jokes at your spouse's expense about their appearance emotionally abusive.

 

Looking at porn is not abusive behavior and I agree that teenagers look at porn all the time. I know I did!

[Ferret]

I consider making jokes at your spouse's expense about their appearance emotionally abusive.

 

Looking at porn is not abusive behavior. Teenagers look at porn all the time.

I know I did!

 

 

One could say her not taking care of her appearance and expecting him to stay faithful in a sexless marriage is emotionally abusive as well at the very least its emotional neglect. Besides im sure shes made the same kind of remarks back at him..point is I think this is more a two way situation then just a classic abused women situation..

[Battlefront]

Because - like I said - she has low self esteem and doesn't know that she can get better treatment out there. This isn't his problem; not even his fault. It's HER fault because she accepts it. If you want to work on something, work on getting HER to go to therapy. Get her to work more and save the money. Get her to the point where she sees she has options so that when he gets really rude, she can pick up the baby and go stay in a hotel or something.

 

Mum has been being accused of buying her boyfriends and that she couldn't live without a man and I think those accusations are fair. In her youth she was the belle of ball, than after kids and aging gravity kicked in. Throughout my childhood a series of super losers past through our portals. When I was 16 her ex boyfriend told me in front of her I'm not living in this house with you (me) and mum kicked me out temporarily. The boyfriend didn't work and was a raging alcoholic and mum chose him over me. The argument started when he said that all of his life he took care of women and now women were going to take care of him.

 

These memories are flooding back is it possible that my sister could've learned from mum yuk?

[turnera]

That's exactly why your sister turned out that way. I'm 57, and in all my years, I've almost never seen a female not turn out like her mom, at least partly. Your sister never had a chance.

 

You, however, are the kind of person that I usually see turn out differently - the person who questions things, wants to learn more, goes to places like this to ask questions. I have high hopes that you'll recognize your worth and expect more out of life.

 

As I've said, the best thing you can do for your sister is to strive for more and be an example for her. Share with her what you're learning. But she'll have to come to that realization on her own.

[Battlefront]

That's exactly why your sister turned out that way. I'm 57, and in all my years, I've almost never seen a female not turn out like her mom, at least partly. Your sister never had a chance.

 

You, however, are the kind of person that I usually see turn out differently - the person who questions things, wants to learn more, goes to places like this to ask questions. I have high hopes that you'll recognize your worth and expect more out of life.

 

As I've said, the best thing you can do for your sister is to strive for more and be an example for her. Share with her what you're learning. But she'll have to come to that realization on her own.

 

Shameful to have to buy companionship, it's having toss money into the parking meter. Mum Disesteemed our family with all her boyfriends to the point that's it's embarrassing to talk about. So what next for my sister more ridicule from her spouse?

[turnera]

IDK, what are you willing to do for her? Will you read some books and text her some of the important things you learn? Will you urge her to do things for herself to build up her self esteem? Will you urge her to go to a therapist (the best hope she has of fixing things)?

[ChickiePops]

It's good that you recognize your mom and sisters mistakes, but you cannot fix or change them. All you can do is learn from them and decide what you do and do not want.

 

That said, butt out of your sisters relationship. It's neither your place nor your job to meddle in her marriage. She doesn't seem to be in any physical danger so leave it alone.

[Tayla]

From what I gather The sister and brother in law reside in the family home. Telling a sibling to put blinders on when derogatory commentary is being conveyed is insanity. The Old Elephant in the room doesn't go away by remaining indifferent or quiet.

 

Op, I've hoped that with your good heartedness, it would emulate outwards to your sister. We can influence others... that is done thru trust and respect. Your sister will in time ... see the light. She is being so abused emotionally that It makes sense for you to want to protect and defend. Its what we do for our family. This entire family dynamic is in need of healing. Stay true to your standards, modify the expectations. Your sister may well enjoy playing the victim...its part of how she survives...

I cannot imagine how it must be for you... how sad that its only here that you get validation that your brother in law is an abuser.

[Ferret]

From what I gather The sister and brother in law reside in the family home. Telling a sibling to put blinders on when derogatory commentary is being conveyed is insanity. The Old Elephant in the room doesn't go away by remaining indifferent or quiet.

 

Op, I've hoped that with your good heartedness, it would emulate outwards to your sister. We can influence others... that is done thru trust and respect. Your sister will in time ... see the light. She is being so abused emotionally that It makes sense for you to want to protect and defend. Its what we do for our family. This entire family dynamic is in need of healing. Stay true to your standards, modify the expectations. Your sister may well enjoy playing the victim...its part of how she survives...

I cannot imagine how it must be for you... how sad that its only here that you get validation that your brother in law is an abuser.

 

 

Im sorry I know you mean well but I think that by automatically labeling this man a "abuser" just by what the OP says is not right. It sounds like a unhealthy relationship from all involved the OP included shes been given a lot of sound advice and yet seams all shes interested in doing is gossiping first about her sister and then her mother that's not going to solve anything.

 

The sister needed to pay attention to her marriage and her husbands needs she didn't so that created issues that she ignored from the sounds of it..Sure the prob ecslated as the husband got more and more irate and its def not right he said some rude comments to her but what was her role in everything? we really don't know cause we are only getting the OPs skewed view.

 

 

But anyways I hope she dose take some of the advice its not healthy for her to be obsessing over this or her mothers past ether shes only 18 she has time to move on get healthy and start her own life that should be her main focus not trying to heal what sounds like a mutually broken down marriage..

[Tayla]

Ferret, thank you for parlaying your view. The Op will take our support into consideration.

 

May I say that the antics of the brother in law due fall under abuse. Verbal abuse and condescending remarks over time fall in that category.

 

I interpret the Op coming here to convey her perception to be of value. To dismiss or demean her opinion may not help her keep a clear mind.Yes, clarity is important. Yes its her view. Yet its what we as the posters have to work with.

Wish we could know the other persons views. Yet we do not. So Basically she will get varying support here. Its up to her though to act up what is best for her dilema.

[Battlefront]

From what I gather The sister and brother in law reside in the family home. Telling a sibling to put blinders on when derogatory commentary is being conveyed is insanity. The Old Elephant in the room doesn't go away by remaining indifferent or quiet.

 

Op, I've hoped that with your good heartedness, it would emulate outwards to your sister. We can influence others... that is done thru trust and respect. Your sister will in time ... see the light. She is being so abused emotionally that It makes sense for you to want to protect and defend. Its what we do for our family. This entire family dynamic is in need of healing. Stay true to your standards, modify the expectations. Your sister may well enjoy playing the victim...its part of how she survives...

I cannot imagine how it must be for you... how sad that its only here that you get validation that your brother in law is an abuser.

 

No... They live in their own purchased for them by mum and my oldest sister, have no idea how much mum contributed to the home. He has full freedom to flirt with whomever he wants, fb there are posts of "his" home, pix of their new car given to them. How many females are smart enough to realize that none of it is his?

 

The shame of having a rent-boy I've heard of women hiring rent-boys but I never thought my sister would be one of them. Two things I've never understood is porn and rent-boys.

 

When I was young mum dated a guy almost young enough to be her kid. This guy was a real mooch an example was mum never had any money due to her love of fur coats and jewelry all purchased on credit and law-away. The furs would cost $9000 which she purchased for $3000 on lay-away or diamond rings. Anyway to say that the fridge was empty wouldn't be a falsehood.

 

Paycheck came in bi-weekly usually on Thursday, and when she returned we made our way to Costco to buy food.... Side note this is very very embarrassing/RAGE to recall from memory. Friday afternoon this young guy would come to our home where he didn't live and raid the fridge by opening the one and only liter of milk drinking from it until the last drop all while smiling at me.

 

One day I'm seen him coming to the house from the front window, immediately I ran to the front door and locked the door. It dawned in me that I better locked the screen door lest he enter. No sooner had I locked the screen door he showed up begging me to unlock the door. Again it occurred to me that what if he came in through the window hurriedly I ran to the window and locked it yes he was there.

 

Mum returned home to find him bawling hard. Mum stood up straight and walked to the house with a straight back like a ram rod were shoved up her back. Young lady you had no right to lock him out of the house. This is his house too... Actually the guy lived with his mum. Young lady you need to learn to listen to your elders (bf) your butt is gonna need Jesus cos I'm gonna whip you under your feet. It was pretty to determine which cheek the belt would hit so my hand got it as well. How did I not see this earlier that my sister has hired a rent-boy?

Edited March 7, 2016 by Battlefront

[Tayla]

Thank you for clarifying. My apologies for mis stating information.

 

How inhumane to be abused physically... its sad to read.

 

What though is a rent boy? Can you expand upon that terminology?

[Battlefront]

Thank you for clarifying. My apologies for mis stating information.

 

How inhumane to be abused physically... its sad to read.

 

What though is a rent boy? Can you expand upon that terminology?

 

Rent boy is a kept male escort, I first heard the term when a famous English actor admitted to being a rent boy. Is that what is happening here my sister can't live without a man so she pays for one. Isn't that sic. Are women leading male roles this days? Remember the days where one dreamt about their dream wedding every church they stopped in at they planned out their wedding.

 

Many of us didn't even have any money yet that didn't stop me from making plans lol. Who would want to hire a guy to live with them that's just plain nasty.

[Ferret]

Women do it all the time husbands IE buy their wives expensive gifts are the wives then bought and paid for? or is that to be expected?...OP have you started looking at a place of your own don't you want your own freedom? why are you choosing to stay in such a toxic situation? get yourself into some counseling if things from the past are hurting you to this point and move out..