Mom wants me to leave!

[Ferret]

I agree with all of this.

 

I will add that an abuse victim will even leave her relationship without money when she's had enough.

 

 

Agreed true "abuse" victims will leave once they hit that point I really don't think ops sister is really being "abused" I think this is a marriage that has just fallen apart over time each has their role in that process of course but being young the OP only sees the guys fault..

 

I also think that she knows more guys who look at porn then she realizes lets face it high school guys are not saints nor for that matter the females these days.

Edited March 4, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BettyDraper]

Agreed true "abuse" victims will leave once they hit that point I really don't think ops sister is really being "abused" I think this is a marriage that has just fallen apart over time each has their role in that process of course but being young the OP only sees the guys fault..

 

I also think that she knows more guys who look at porn then she realizes lets face it high school guys are not saints nor for that matter the females these days.

 

I consider making jokes at your spouse's expense about their appearance emotionally abusive.

 

Looking at porn is not abusive behavior and I agree that teenagers look at porn all the time. I know I did!

[Ferret]

I consider making jokes at your spouse's expense about their appearance emotionally abusive.

 

Looking at porn is not abusive behavior. Teenagers look at porn all the time.

I know I did!

 

 

One could say her not taking care of her appearance and expecting him to stay faithful in a sexless marriage is emotionally abusive as well at the very least its emotional neglect. Besides im sure shes made the same kind of remarks back at him..point is I think this is more a two way situation then just a classic abused women situation..

[Battlefront]

Because - like I said - she has low self esteem and doesn't know that she can get better treatment out there. This isn't his problem; not even his fault. It's HER fault because she accepts it. If you want to work on something, work on getting HER to go to therapy. Get her to work more and save the money. Get her to the point where she sees she has options so that when he gets really rude, she can pick up the baby and go stay in a hotel or something.

 

Mum has been being accused of buying her boyfriends and that she couldn't live without a man and I think those accusations are fair. In her youth she was the belle of ball, than after kids and aging gravity kicked in. Throughout my childhood a series of super losers past through our portals. When I was 16 her ex boyfriend told me in front of her I'm not living in this house with you (me) and mum kicked me out temporarily. The boyfriend didn't work and was a raging alcoholic and mum chose him over me. The argument started when he said that all of his life he took care of women and now women were going to take care of him.

 

These memories are flooding back is it possible that my sister could've learned from mum yuk?

[turnera]

That's exactly why your sister turned out that way. I'm 57, and in all my years, I've almost never seen a female not turn out like her mom, at least partly. Your sister never had a chance.

 

You, however, are the kind of person that I usually see turn out differently - the person who questions things, wants to learn more, goes to places like this to ask questions. I have high hopes that you'll recognize your worth and expect more out of life.

 

As I've said, the best thing you can do for your sister is to strive for more and be an example for her. Share with her what you're learning. But she'll have to come to that realization on her own.

[Battlefront]

That's exactly why your sister turned out that way. I'm 57, and in all my years, I've almost never seen a female not turn out like her mom, at least partly. Your sister never had a chance.

 

You, however, are the kind of person that I usually see turn out differently - the person who questions things, wants to learn more, goes to places like this to ask questions. I have high hopes that you'll recognize your worth and expect more out of life.

 

As I've said, the best thing you can do for your sister is to strive for more and be an example for her. Share with her what you're learning. But she'll have to come to that realization on her own.

 

Shameful to have to buy companionship, it's having toss money into the parking meter. Mum Disesteemed our family with all her boyfriends to the point that's it's embarrassing to talk about. So what next for my sister more ridicule from her spouse?

[turnera]

IDK, what are you willing to do for her? Will you read some books and text her some of the important things you learn? Will you urge her to do things for herself to build up her self esteem? Will you urge her to go to a therapist (the best hope she has of fixing things)?

[ChickiePops]

It's good that you recognize your mom and sisters mistakes, but you cannot fix or change them. All you can do is learn from them and decide what you do and do not want.

 

That said, butt out of your sisters relationship. It's neither your place nor your job to meddle in her marriage. She doesn't seem to be in any physical danger so leave it alone.

[Tayla]

From what I gather The sister and brother in law reside in the family home. Telling a sibling to put blinders on when derogatory commentary is being conveyed is insanity. The Old Elephant in the room doesn't go away by remaining indifferent or quiet.

 

Op, I've hoped that with your good heartedness, it would emulate outwards to your sister. We can influence others... that is done thru trust and respect. Your sister will in time ... see the light. She is being so abused emotionally that It makes sense for you to want to protect and defend. Its what we do for our family. This entire family dynamic is in need of healing. Stay true to your standards, modify the expectations. Your sister may well enjoy playing the victim...its part of how she survives...

I cannot imagine how it must be for you... how sad that its only here that you get validation that your brother in law is an abuser.

[Ferret]

From what I gather The sister and brother in law reside in the family home. Telling a sibling to put blinders on when derogatory commentary is being conveyed is insanity. The Old Elephant in the room doesn't go away by remaining indifferent or quiet.

 

Op, I've hoped that with your good heartedness, it would emulate outwards to your sister. We can influence others... that is done thru trust and respect. Your sister will in time ... see the light. She is being so abused emotionally that It makes sense for you to want to protect and defend. Its what we do for our family. This entire family dynamic is in need of healing. Stay true to your standards, modify the expectations. Your sister may well enjoy playing the victim...its part of how she survives...

I cannot imagine how it must be for you... how sad that its only here that you get validation that your brother in law is an abuser.

 

 

Im sorry I know you mean well but I think that by automatically labeling this man a "abuser" just by what the OP says is not right. It sounds like a unhealthy relationship from all involved the OP included shes been given a lot of sound advice and yet seams all shes interested in doing is gossiping first about her sister and then her mother that's not going to solve anything.

 

The sister needed to pay attention to her marriage and her husbands needs she didn't so that created issues that she ignored from the sounds of it..Sure the prob ecslated as the husband got more and more irate and its def not right he said some rude comments to her but what was her role in everything? we really don't know cause we are only getting the OPs skewed view.

 

 

But anyways I hope she dose take some of the advice its not healthy for her to be obsessing over this or her mothers past ether shes only 18 she has time to move on get healthy and start her own life that should be her main focus not trying to heal what sounds like a mutually broken down marriage..

[Tayla]

Ferret, thank you for parlaying your view. The Op will take our support into consideration.

 

May I say that the antics of the brother in law due fall under abuse. Verbal abuse and condescending remarks over time fall in that category.

 

I interpret the Op coming here to convey her perception to be of value. To dismiss or demean her opinion may not help her keep a clear mind.Yes, clarity is important. Yes its her view. Yet its what we as the posters have to work with.

Wish we could know the other persons views. Yet we do not. So Basically she will get varying support here. Its up to her though to act up what is best for her dilema.

[Battlefront]

From what I gather The sister and brother in law reside in the family home. Telling a sibling to put blinders on when derogatory commentary is being conveyed is insanity. The Old Elephant in the room doesn't go away by remaining indifferent or quiet.

 

Op, I've hoped that with your good heartedness, it would emulate outwards to your sister. We can influence others... that is done thru trust and respect. Your sister will in time ... see the light. She is being so abused emotionally that It makes sense for you to want to protect and defend. Its what we do for our family. This entire family dynamic is in need of healing. Stay true to your standards, modify the expectations. Your sister may well enjoy playing the victim...its part of how she survives...

I cannot imagine how it must be for you... how sad that its only here that you get validation that your brother in law is an abuser.

 

No... They live in their own purchased for them by mum and my oldest sister, have no idea how much mum contributed to the home. He has full freedom to flirt with whomever he wants, fb there are posts of "his" home, pix of their new car given to them. How many females are smart enough to realize that none of it is his?

 

The shame of having a rent-boy I've heard of women hiring rent-boys but I never thought my sister would be one of them. Two things I've never understood is porn and rent-boys.

 

When I was young mum dated a guy almost young enough to be her kid. This guy was a real mooch an example was mum never had any money due to her love of fur coats and jewelry all purchased on credit and law-away. The furs would cost $9000 which she purchased for $3000 on lay-away or diamond rings. Anyway to say that the fridge was empty wouldn't be a falsehood.

 

Paycheck came in bi-weekly usually on Thursday, and when she returned we made our way to Costco to buy food.... Side note this is very very embarrassing/RAGE to recall from memory. Friday afternoon this young guy would come to our home where he didn't live and raid the fridge by opening the one and only liter of milk drinking from it until the last drop all while smiling at me.

 

One day I'm seen him coming to the house from the front window, immediately I ran to the front door and locked the door. It dawned in me that I better locked the screen door lest he enter. No sooner had I locked the screen door he showed up begging me to unlock the door. Again it occurred to me that what if he came in through the window hurriedly I ran to the window and locked it yes he was there.

 

Mum returned home to find him bawling hard. Mum stood up straight and walked to the house with a straight back like a ram rod were shoved up her back. Young lady you had no right to lock him out of the house. This is his house too... Actually the guy lived with his mum. Young lady you need to learn to listen to your elders (bf) your butt is gonna need Jesus cos I'm gonna whip you under your feet. It was pretty to determine which cheek the belt would hit so my hand got it as well. How did I not see this earlier that my sister has hired a rent-boy?

Edited March 7, 2016 by Battlefront

[Tayla]

Thank you for clarifying. My apologies for mis stating information.

 

How inhumane to be abused physically... its sad to read.

 

What though is a rent boy? Can you expand upon that terminology?

[Battlefront]

Thank you for clarifying. My apologies for mis stating information.

 

How inhumane to be abused physically... its sad to read.

 

What though is a rent boy? Can you expand upon that terminology?

 

Rent boy is a kept male escort, I first heard the term when a famous English actor admitted to being a rent boy. Is that what is happening here my sister can't live without a man so she pays for one. Isn't that sic. Are women leading male roles this days? Remember the days where one dreamt about their dream wedding every church they stopped in at they planned out their wedding.

 

Many of us didn't even have any money yet that didn't stop me from making plans lol. Who would want to hire a guy to live with them that's just plain nasty.

[Ferret]

Women do it all the time husbands IE buy their wives expensive gifts are the wives then bought and paid for? or is that to be expected?...OP have you started looking at a place of your own don't you want your own freedom? why are you choosing to stay in such a toxic situation? get yourself into some counseling if things from the past are hurting you to this point and move out..

[Battlefront]

Women do it all the time husbands IE buy their wives expensive gifts are the wives then bought and paid for? or is that to be expected?...OP have you started looking at a place of your own don't you want your own freedom? why are you choosing to stay in such a toxic situation? get yourself into some counseling if things from the past are hurting you to this point and move out..

 

Don't have any money to make it even harder I'm in school. Where would I go? Where I live most rent is $800.

[Tayla]

I think what Ferret is suggesting is to decide, is your Mental health and welfare more important or is this education more important? I tend to think that as an adult we can often attend to schooling at a later time. Losing our mainframe of wellness though...takes a toll.

 

Consider getting a full time job. Then seek a place of your own or a room mate to split expenses.

 

I agree that your current environment is toxic and after reading some of the posts, I tend to think you may be heading down that path. I sincerely hope you give some thought to residential change and a new set of healthy persons to interact.

[amaysngrace]

Good grief....you haven't moved out yet?

[ShatteredLady]

You've had a very hard start to live. Tragically many do. Women in certain cultures, in certain countries have to work incredibly hard not to repeate the cycle of life. You have options...

 

EDUCATION = FREEDOM

 

It's your magic carpet ride to take you anywhere you want to go. The romance & life of respect that you imagine is real. I grew-up in England. I grew-up in a family where no one witnesses, let alone lives with the things you describe. For others it's 'normal'.

 

What life do YOU want?

 

I don't agree with some others here. I'd keep my head down & get the very best education that you can & NEVER stop striving to improve yourself! You have the Internet (or you wouldn't be here) research, study, LEARN!! Never stop! Do MORE than is expected of you at school.

 

You have principles. You have ideas. You don't want this life for your sister & you certainly don't want this life for yourself. You can allow the bitterness & negativity keep you down or you can fight, learn, change, grow.

 

PLEASE!!

 

I wish I could speak to the hearts & minds of young women. In the past they didn't have options. Now you do!

 

Be careful. You're at the age & you have the background that makes you VERY vulnerable to 'Prince Charming' coming to rescue you. He's NOT going to! Become the woman you have the potential to be & then consider a partner to share your life with. NEVER have unprotected sex. Don't get pregnant.

 

At your age, in your situation EDUCATION is the answer to most things...

[ShatteredLady]

Where are the best places to receive free therapy in the USA? I know that some churches offer some help.

 

She's 18. She can't afford fast food! I know a middle class couple who are still paying off the marriage therapy that they had to charge on a credit card! I know it can help but it's VERY expensive.

 

You can find information & advise on the Internet or library books. I know it's not the same but it's free!

 

I would NEVER advise a young woman to drop out of school.

 

It's just you & your Mum now, correct? I'd try to smooth this latest stuff over. Stick with school. EDUCATION = FREEDOM.

[Tayla]

Glad to know there is a respectful way to disagree.

Education equals freedom? I tend to agree.... be smart enough to find your own place , get a career that will train you... and then when you wish to get a higher education degree... consider that as a goal.

 

In my little world we tend to want to get the person well and independent before proclaiming that a higher education will miraculously equate to freedom. Freedom in and of itself is already granted mostly in the civilized regions. Some of us got our education thru our careers . The Op is making a trade off...one that allows her to stay at home... be miserable ...and further her education. Currently that isn't working.... so maybe being independent is better served by looking at alternatives.

[Ferret]

You've had a very hard start to live. Tragically many do. Women in certain cultures, in certain countries have to work incredibly hard not to repeate the cycle of life. You have options...

 

EDUCATION = FREEDOM

 

It's your magic carpet ride to take you anywhere you want to go. The romance & life of respect that you imagine is real. I grew-up in England. I grew-up in a family where no one witnesses, let alone lives with the things you describe. For others it's 'normal'.

 

What life do YOU want?

 

I don't agree with some others here. I'd keep my head down & get the very best education that you can & NEVER stop striving to improve yourself! You have the Internet (or you wouldn't be here) research, study, LEARN!! Never stop! Do MORE than is expected of you at school.

 

You have principles. You have ideas. You don't want this life for your sister & you certainly don't want this life for yourself. You can allow the bitterness & negativity keep you down or you can fight, learn, change, grow.

 

PLEASE!!

 

I wish I could speak to the hearts & minds of young women. In the past they didn't have options. Now you do!

 

Be careful. You're at the age & you have the background that makes you VERY vulnerable to 'Prince Charming' coming to rescue you. He's NOT going to! Become the woman you have the potential to be & then consider a partner to share your life with. NEVER have unprotected sex. Don't get pregnant.

 

At your age, in your situation EDUCATION is the answer to most things...

 

She will never be free as long as shes still in the environment that is clearly causing her mental stress. Its not healthy and its not really normal for a 18 year old with her entire life ahead of her to obsess over her sisters marriage or things her mother did when she was growing up like the op is..

 

If things are as bad as shes making them out to be then moving out and getting herself into a healthy environment should be her 1st move. Education can come when shes stable and happy with her life or at least stable.

 

As much as any of us here can try we are not qualified councilors we cannot start to help fix whats going on in her head if things are indeed as bad as shes making them out to be she needs professionals to do that and shes cant start that journey long as shes still stuck in a toxic place.

 

Think about it if all these issues are manifesting now no diploma is going to magically make them vanish shes just going to keep repeating the patterns of drama and bad choices..All that said tho end of the day OP has to want to do this if things are as bad as shes saying she dose indeed have choices..

 

She can get a job a lot of people go to school and work one two three jobs! she can share a place with someone there are rooms for rent and being so young she might be able to find some assistance. It wont be easy but it can be done or she can choose to sit here and stay stuck in a situation that is full of drama and stress its up to her..

[Battlefront]

I have disavowed my sister no longer to be supported in her poor lil me attitude, oh look he doesn't hold my hand in public or he sleeps in his office because he needs his sleep. Mum bought them three mattresses first one was to soft the 2nd was too hard, finally mum took him to Sears to buy a mattress that was just right and guess what he still sleeps in his office in the house.

 

I don't have money to even take the bus let alone move out. Mum takes to school and that's what I'm going to do is too ignore them.

[Ferret]

I have disavowed my sister no longer to be supported in her poor lil me attitude, oh look he doesn't hold my hand in public or he sleeps in his office because he needs his sleep. Mum bought them three mattresses first one was to soft the 2nd was too hard, finally mum took him to Sears to buy a mattress that was just right and guess what he still sleeps in his office in the house.

 

I don't have money to even take the bus let alone move out. Mum takes to school and that's what I'm going to do is too ignore them.

 

 

Op why don't you have a job at 18? your going on about how your sister/bl seam to be taking advantage of your mother but yet you yourself do not seam to be contributing to the home are you in high school or collage?

[anika99]

How the heck is an eighteen year old who is still in school supposed to immediately move out and fully support herself? Why do posters seem to think she can just go out and rent her own place tomorrow? She needs a freaking plan! And she at least needs a job that pays a decent living wage. If she moves out and just works low paying jobs that only keep her at a poverty level she will be setting herself up for failure. She will wind up just like her sister, latching onto the first sweet talker who comes along and makes empty promises.

 

OP I say stick it out in school and ignore the drama in your family. Accept that you can't really do anything about your sisters marriage and keep your opinions to yourself. Keep your eyes on the prize which is your education and your eventual total independence. Make it your goal to rise above your dysfunctional background and come out a winner. Leaving home just to work in minimum wage jobs is not a good plan. Sure there are stories of people who have started out that way and succeeded but for every success story there are way more stories of defeat, chronic poverty and despair. Don't choose that path if you don't have to.

 

This is your golden opportunity to get your education. When your family upsets you and pushes your buttons just bite your tongue and remember the payoff coming your way.