my boyfriends odd behavior

[Confusedchica]

Confusedchica, think - if nothing else is convincing you - on this:

 

When he breaks up with you (and I think he will, because through all of this I am really questioning his maturity and competence in communication), he will treat you, like he's treating her.

 

His attitude, language and temperament will colour you, in precisely the same way he's colouring her.

 

You really want to be with a guy who handles things so badly?

I would find the entire episode distasteful and off-putting.

He's being quite extreme in his behaviour.

 

And it seems he's out of control.

 

Honey, you really need to walk.

 

Seriously.

 

 

Im not saying its ok how he treats her for some reason he seems to harbor more hate for her than any of his exes.

Even his friends said he's meanest to her.

[elaine567]

I have more information. Basically they've been bickering back n fourth for months since he left her for me. She was heartbroken and doesn't want to speak to him. She told him if he talks to her again she was going to tell human resources at their job. The episode he had where he barged over caused the manager to alert human resources even though neither of them did themselves. So whether she was bluffing or not they were now forced into it. They had two separate meetings both accusing the other of harassment. Apparently she didn't open up as much in fear of him losing his job. He however complained alot about her harrassing him. HR isn't allowed to tell one what the other says they only said she seemed to not want him to get fired. He declined to meet up with her face to face with managers present but only requested that she does not communicate with him . So when I saw her when I picked him up I'm guessing that's why she looked sad. Maybe that hurt her feelings. So how could he possibly be in love with her after doing this ??

Where did you get this info from?

[Confusedchica]

Where did you get this info from?[/quote

 

A few of his coworkers frequently hang out with us and we were all talking about it. Well they were talking then I started asking questions. Some of their comments stood out to me. Like they were saying things like "I saw her after the HR meeting she seemed OK" things like that

[Emilia]

I don't understand why this thread exists. Maybe it's about the competition between you and the other woman, OP. The only thing I can tell you is that you are not winning. Anger and hate are present when we want something from the other person and aren't getting it. This is why your boyfriend is behaving like this, not because the girl is trapping him somehow. It's not all her, a lot of it is about your boyfriend

[TaraMaiden2]

Im not saying its ok how he treats her for some reason he seems to harbor more hate for her than any of his exes.

Even his friends said he's meanest to her.

 

It's totally not ok how he treats her, but right now, she's not my point.

My point is that, if you are observing how he is treating her - and you know it's not ok - then this is a sign of what he can be like, and what he could be like with you.

It's an aspect of his character that is NOT ok, and it's not ok to treat an ex- that way.

His ex- is a woman, and he obviously has little respect for her.

 

And this...?

 

he seems to harbor more hate for her than any of his exes. Even his friends said he's meanest to her

.... is hardly comforting.

I take it to mean that he hates all his exes, but hates her in particular.

Oh, that's just great...

 

Really, I see nothing remotely attractive about a man who displays such venom and antipathy towards a lady.

It would be so much more dignified for him to rise above such petty emotional upheaval, but he is playing into it like a terrier with a bone.

And while he's hating on her, he's not loving you the way he should.

 

Please explain to me, in a few sentences, why - knowing everything you do and have put in this thread - he seems to be such a wonderful catch?

 

Me? I'd be hurling him so far out back into the water, that even if he were a fish he couldn't cope with the depth....

[elaine567]

It would be so much more dignified for him to rise above such petty emotional upheaval, but he is playing into it like a terrier with a bone.

And while he's hating on her, he's not loving you the way he should.

Nor is he acting professionally at work. He could actually get the sack over all these shenanigans with his ex, he is out of control, its madness.

At least she had the decency to protect him from losing his job, though God knows why, he did the dirty on her by leaving her for you, and now HE hates her????

How old is he anyway?

[TaraMaiden2]

Nor is he acting professionally at work. He could actually get the sack over all these shenanigans with his ex, he is out of control, its madness.

At least she had the decency to protect him from losing his job, though God knows why, he did the dirty on her by leaving her for you, and now HE hates her????

How old is he anyway?

 

He's 9.

[Miss Peach]

So you don't find it off that he DECLINED TO even meet with her and requested no communicating

 

I don't find it off because he's not doing that himself. He's still stirring up drama.

[ChickiePops]

Having strong feelings for another woman, no matter what those feelings are, is never a good thing in a relationship. He also sounds volatile and a bit unhinged. You are going to get caught in the crossfire...you should definitely get out now.

[Confusedchica]

Here's the points im trying to make. What exes don't feel bitterly towards eachother. When ppl break up it means things weren't working out..2nd the main thing I was concerned about was why he felt the need to barge and interrupt her conversation with their manager. That's the part that is off because now they both almost lost their jobs. I know he doesn't like her as he's requested she not communicate with him but I don't understand their battle. They're battling so hard. I feel like she has done something drastic to him that he hasn't revealed

[TaraMaiden2]

Here's the points im trying to make. What exes don't feel bitterly towards eachother.

My H is on very good terms with both of his ex wives. My brother is on very good terms with his ex-wife. 3 of my cousins regularly have get-togethers and their ex-spouses are often included.

Your point is not a valid one because some people actually are quite mature....

 

When ppl break up it means things weren't working out..

simply because an ex is an ex, does not indicate hostilities have to survive and continue.

 

 

 

 

2nd the main thing I was concerned about was why he felt the need to barge and interrupt her conversation with their manager.

I think this point has been covered by many of us here. He is immature, and does not handle his emotions well.

 

That's the part that is off because now they both almost lost their jobs.

I think it would have served them both right if they had...

 

I know he doesn't like her as he's requested she not communicate with him but I don't understand their battle. They're battling so hard. I feel like she has done something drastic to him that he hasn't revealed

I can't believe this needs saying again.

Have you read some of the responses regarding love and hate, and how this diminishes his feelings for you?

You really need to stop wondering about what's going on with them, and worry more about why on earth you are still there.

Their interaction isn't the point.

How you deal with it - is.

[Emilia]

Here's the points im trying to make. What exes don't feel bitterly towards eachother. When ppl break up it means things weren't working out..2nd the main thing I was concerned about was why he felt the need to barge and interrupt her conversation with their manager. That's the part that is off because now they both almost lost their jobs. I know he doesn't like her as he's requested she not communicate with him but I don't understand their battle. They're battling so hard. I feel like she has done something drastic to him that he hasn't revealed

 

I have no hatred or bitterness towards any of my exes. When I worked with one of them he hardly even crossed my mind when I was seeing someone even though we worked in the same office 5 days a week.

 

They are battling because of unresolved feelings. The fact that he has you doesn't distract him enough and it should. It really should.

[Confusedchica]

They were ordered at work today to sign a cease and desist letter today and supposedly given a lecture about how time heals all wounds. I asked him how he could be wounded if he hurt her. Like how is that even possible. I also told him it's like they're divorcing

[dreamingoftigers]

He's 9.

 

I disagree.

 

I don't think he's nine.

[S2B]

Why doesn't he find a job somewhere else? This way he wouldn't have to see her at all.

 

Problem solved. This he DOES have control over - and the ability to change it is up to him. Is he willing to find another job ASAP?

 

And since there is emotion between the two of them - it shows proof they both care.

 

When I am OVER someone I actually don't care at all - about them or enough to even respond to them at all. At that point when any interactions happen I ONLY reply if I have to and its with the simplest of answers which are yes and no.

[bathtub-row]

I dated a guy once who was head over heels nuts about me. I mean we hit it off instantly and had a great relationship for about a year. During the time we dated, he told me about this girl that he referred to as the office tramp. She was known to sleep with everyone. Before he met me, he had plenty of opportunities to sleep with her but never did. After about a yr of dating, I began to feel smothered. I was also going through a divorce so it was all too much too soon. So we broke up.

 

Three mos later we get back together. During the time of our break up, he had dated the girl at the office. When she found out we were dating, she turned it in full steam. She even came up with this story that she was pregnant and that it was a tubal pregnancy. To which my bf pronounced that it could kill her. I was starting to grow tired of the games and suggested to him that he get the medical records to prove that BS story. Those records were never produced and, lo and behold, the girl was never pregnant and never died.

 

After listening to this nonsense for some time, I found that I had lost respect for the guy because of the wimpy way that he was handling things and that he seemed to think I would be ok with being caught in the middle of such drama that seemed like something out of high school. So I ended things with him because of it.

 

It doesn't matter if your bf is in love or hate with this woman. What really matters is the immature way in which he's handling things. It's not really very impressive.

[Emilia]

They were ordered at work today to sign a cease and desist letter today and supposedly given a lecture about how time heals all wounds. I asked him how he could be wounded if he hurt her. Like how is that even possible. I also told him it's like they're divorcing

 

My assumption all along has been that he left her but not necessarily for you. There was obviously something wrong. Maybe she was going to dump him or had hooked up with someone. Did he reply to your question?

[Confusedchica]

My assumption all along has been that he left her but not necessarily for you. There was obviously something wrong. Maybe she was going to dump him or had hooked up with someone. Did he reply to your question?

 

She found out about us because someone told her. She flipped out and broke things off. He continued to be with Me.

[elaine567]

She found out about us because someone told her. She flipped out and broke things off. He continued to be with Me.

 

Oh so he cheated on her with you, she broke it off with him when she found out, and somehow she is the baddie here????

[Cherryz]

First thing in this case have to be: YOU running true the house once hes out for work and look around if there are no hidding cameras or naked pics of you on any computer and when he is home tke his phone to the badroom and search for any pics yours naked or so and delete!

LOl.

 

Okay now i can answer you further..........

Even thou a story have 2 sides ,meaning she may have done somethings herself to, Or its just him hunting her and try to hurt her etc.Whatever it is this guy is still busy with this girl. And you look like a third wheel.

He clearly have a secret with her and ddnt want it to come out.

But now it did. Even thou i think there is more that you dont know.

And if he was that real good guy that had not much to do with this why ddnt he change work to finish all this drama.

 

I see you saying in your next post that he left her for you, well there you go, you chose your own downfall.

Who date a guy that is not single and that have to leave his gf for you?

There is for sure alot of emotions and hurt and messy /harassment between them.

And that they both need to put a end to it and work on by themselves.

 

Either way its clear that break up is the best thing to do.

Or keep playing the third wheel. And drag into drama that you not know well about.

And learn from your mistakes.

Once you know a guy is not single, dont mess with him.

This guy is a mess! And you may be the next person he will show your naked pics around if you get him mad.

[Cherryz]

Oh so he cheated on her with you, she broke it off with him when she found out, and somehow she is the baddie here????

 

 

Hm i guess once a third wheel, always a third wheel. haahahahahha:D:confused:

[Cherryz]

Today at work they had to sit with managers separately and he declined to meet with her and also two managers to settle it. He is now accusing her of HARASSMENT. I don't know why he declined to meet with her there but he did. They aren't allowed to talk unless it's about work

 

 

This is not a kid, Its a grown man that make his own choices and responsible for it you are talking about!

 

I think it good for you to work on your self esteem.

 

Because you more concern about what hes doing his games at work to

keep being messy.

But you not seem concern about your self.

 

This guy is a messy angry nasty person.

And i think somehow he love being there. Otherwise he would have change job.

 

Also, you talk like you a victim or need some kind of understanding of us,

But do you understand how it feel for someone when they boyfreind cheat on them and they have to see that guy at work everyday?

And not only that, your bf sound like a messy guy that would go a mile further instead of being ashamed.

 

You and your bf are not in the most nice position here.

You the girl that cheated with someones bf. And get away with it.

And he is the cheater , that wont put a stop to drama, and pass around naked pictures of an ex.

 

Stop worry about storys he is telling you and chose for yourself. Leave!

Before naked pictures yours start flying around, and you get pregnant and more drama with this person.

[Confusedchica]

I'm upset because this seems like a divorce and she's refusing to sign a cease and desist if he does not. Who has to legally break up when they're not married

[BlueIris]

There are lots of people who get along with their exes.

 

There are people who can NOT get along with their exes. Of those that can’t, there are two types:

the ones who avoid the ex, often go NC and avoid entanglements with the ex

the ones who keep the fire going by tangling with the ex. The second type are “high conflict people.”

 

It sounds as though your BF is a high conflict person. He keeps the battle going, can’t let things go, can’t move on, blames others for his behavior. People like this live drama-filled lives forever.

 

"High-conflict people (HCPs) have a pattern of high-conflict behavior that increases conflict rather than reducing or resolving it. This pattern usually happens over and over again in many different situations with many different people. The issue that seems in conflict at the time is not what is increasing the conflict. The “issue” is not the issue. With HCPs the high-conflict pattern of behavior is the issue, including a lot of:

1. All-or-nothing thinking

2. Unmanaged emotions

3. Extreme behaviors

4. Blaming others"

Who Are High Conflict People? - High Conflict Institute

 

Your BF’s intruding into the ex’s conversation is a perfect example of high-conflict behavior: it was extreme of him to intrude into that conversation and he did so because he doesn’t manage his emotions and he blames his ex for his behavior even though it’s his fault that he intruded.

 

He is high-conflict. It isn’t about his old relationship or about his ex. It’s about him. And I would guess that he absolutely will not accept that.

Edited February 28, 2016 by BlueIris

[Emilia]

She found out about us because someone told her. She flipped out and broke things off. He continued to be with Me.

 

Because it seems he has no choice. This is what happens when you hook up with a guy in a relationship: you never know whether he is with you out of choice or because he doesn't have anyone better at the moment. My guess is that he'd rather be with her - judging by the thread. She isn't having it though. Otherwise he would have broken up with her.