ZaneyZee Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 (edited) My boyfriend of 5 years has some health problems that have been getting worse and worse. I really really love him and have been doing what I can to help him. But I know that as his girlfriend (who wants to be his wife someday) I could end up burdened with the responsibility to care for him for the rest of his life... His dad is in that situation with his mom right now. My boyfriends mom has hernias that keep coming back, she has a hole in her throat that, she's bed ridden and needs constant care and for someone to always be with her incase she stops breathing. I see how stresses my boyfriends dad is because of that. He is always running around doing stuff for her, running errands and grocery shopping but not able to be away from her for too long. He has to refill her humidifier, clean her hole, make her food, help her bathe, help her use the bathroom... He never gets a break or has more than 10 minutes to himself. She requires constant care and I can see that he's very unhappy. Sometimes I wonder if he would have done things differently if he knew that that's what his life would have become. I'm only 23. I have so many hopes and dreams to travel, experience different things out there in the world, make friends, make memories, etc. I know that if my boyfriend ends up like his mom I will be the one to care for him and do all that stuff his dad is doing for his mom. My boyfriend has been trying to stay healthy for himself and for us as a couple because he has the same hopes and dreams as I do. He says he would hate himself if he became a burden and got in the way of my goals in life. I already know I would be so fking miserable. I'm not sure if I would regret how I let my life play out because that would mean I regret HIM and staying with him. I just want to get our lives together so we can do the stuff we want to do. My boyfriend really needs to lose weight too to make sure his health doesn't deteriorate. Sometimes I will talk nonstop about my goals, hopes and dreams hoping it motivates him so I don't end up being his full time nurse. I know I sound like I'm being selfish. I'm not trying to be but isn't it important that I consider my happiness too? I love him very much but I know that I am not mature enough for that and would NOT be ready to happily give up on everything. Edited February 20, 2016 by ZaneyZee Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 At 23, I couldn't handle it. You have to take care of yourself 1st. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 OP, you've been with this guy all your adult life. If you're having doubts, especially after watching his dad take care of his mom, IMO get out now. That said, take a hard look at his mom. At 23 you may feel invincible. Indeed, you might be. I'll bet she felt invincible at 23 too. We make plans and life happens. She could be you someday. I've been where his dad is, not for a spouse but rather for my mother. Main difference is she was psychotic too. Cost me a marriage. ExW didn't respect me. I get that stuff now. Spent a lot of life caring about others. Like the previous poster opined, take care of yourself. Other people really aren't that important in the big scheme of things. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WaitingForBardot Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 IME, this is the sort of thing that people are simply able to handle or not, so I wouldn't beat yourself up about it. And the other poster was right, you do have to think of/put yourself first. When I was young I volunteered/worked with first severely disabled children and then severely wounded vets, and in addition in 6th grade spent 3-4 months wiping my step-brothers a$$ because he was in a body cast. The simple fact is, people are gross and disgusting, but some of us just accept that because we feel there are more important things are at stake. My step-brother and I didn't even like each other. If something were to have happened to any of my LTRs, and now wife, I would have/would stay because it's in my nature. That's just me. My wife however is more like you. She simply isn't equipped to handle something like this and so I just don't expect her to stay. It's not that she doesn't love me, it's just that it's not within her abilities to deal. Some might argue that this is not fair, and maybe it isn't. But the fact is life is not fair and sometimes we get dealt a bad hand. We just have to deal with it in the way that is best for us. Link to post Share on other sites
Saracena Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 (edited) My boyfriend of 5 years has some health problems that have been getting worse and worse. I really really love him and have been doing what I can to help him. I'd like to know why you believe his health problems are comparable with his mother's? Do they suffer from the same condition? His prognosis? I appreciate this is a very tough situation to be in especially for someone your age. Edited February 20, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fix quote 3 Link to post Share on other sites
brothers343 Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 Life is full of surprices, full of burdens, even loving someone can have it's ups and downs. Moral values are irreplaceable. Your young and you say you love your boyfriend....if you leave him who's to say you will find love again. But if you really feel in your heart that time will pass you bye without ever experiencing your dreams than you should follow your heart. In the end is ultimately your decision. The life you have with the one you love or the life you think you will have without him. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Rejected Rosebud Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 One thing is - if HE isn't putting prioritizing doing the best he can for his own health, it seems like you might be burying yourself alive by signing up to be in charge of that all by yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 Did the dad know his wife was sick when he married her? Did he know her condition would deteriorate to this? Does she have a chronic illness that could be inherited by your boyfriend? Can he be tested to see if he carries that illness? If the answer is no to all of those questions then it's just life and there is nothing you can do about it. Your boyfriend may never be sick for the rest of his life. You may marry someone else and he ends up paraplegic after a year marriage. No one wants to end up with a disable husband or wife but getting married means we will take care of each other for better or for worse. In my city there was this young couple who went to dinner in a restaurant. Both in their 30s with 2 little kids. He chocked in piece of steak and stayed too long with no oxygen to his brain, now he's paralyzed from head to toe. His wife will be his nurse for the rest of his life. If you cannot imagine yourself taking care of a man in the worse circumstances then you don't marry him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZaneyZee Posted February 20, 2016 Author Share Posted February 20, 2016 I'd like to know why you believe his health problems are comparable with his mother's? Do they suffer from the same condition? His prognosis? I appreciate this is a very tough situation to be in especially for someone your age. I'm a bit clueless about medical stuff but i do know this. My boyfriend doesn't have hernias like his mom but he has something going on that could cause him to have a hole made in his throat to breathe better. I know that most m=people with those can't go outside and it's dangerous to travel with it. And as I ststed before I hope to travel to other countries and be free. It's why I don't want any kids. Plus if he just doesn't lose weight he WILL have more health problems down the line. I mean i doubt he's going to get too fat to care for himself like some of those "fattest people in the world" but he has a thyroid problem making it harder to lose weight. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZaneyZee Posted February 20, 2016 Author Share Posted February 20, 2016 Did the dad know his wife was sick when he married her? Did he know her condition would deteriorate to this? Does she have a chronic illness that could be inherited by your boyfriend? Can he be tested to see if he carries that illness? If the answer is no to all of those questions then it's just life and there is nothing you can do about it. Your boyfriend may never be sick for the rest of his life. You may marry someone else and he ends up paraplegic after a year marriage. No one wants to end up with a disable husband or wife but getting married means we will take care of each other for better or for worse. In my city there was this young couple who went to dinner in a restaurant. Both in their 30s with 2 little kids. He chocked in piece of steak and stayed too long with no oxygen to his brain, now he's paralyzed from head to toe. His wife will be his nurse for the rest of his life. If you cannot imagine yourself taking care of a man in the worse circumstances then you don't marry him. My boyfriends parents were both healthy when they got married. The only thing my boyfriend could end up with that his mom has is a hole in his throat for breathing better. Traveling with one of those or even going outside is dangerous and hard to do. I am not someone who would be happy being stuck in a house all the time. I mentioned I want to be out there traveling and being active. My boyfriends dad didn't know his wife would get this sick. When her health started falling apart as she got older I think it was too late for him to get out. He never complains about it or anything. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 Yeah, if you find yourself getting all wound up in the medical stuff, especially if to the exclusion of your customary and healthy needs in a relationship, definitely consider ending it. People have problems, including health problems. Just look at how overworked our health care system is. People also have choices. Their health doesn't have to rule them when it comes to relationships. Sure, it can. Everything can certainly be about them. The other side is when *you* choose to make everything about their health. It's not required. You can ignore it, in total or in part, and focus on equality in the relationship. If it works, it does. If it doesn't work, it ends. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 I'm a bit clueless about medical stuff but i do know this. My boyfriend doesn't have hernias like his mom but he has something going on that could cause him to have a hole made in his throat to breathe better. I know that most m=people with those can't go outside and it's dangerous to travel with it. And as I ststed before I hope to travel to other countries and be free. It's why I don't want any kids. Plus if he just doesn't lose weight he WILL have more health problems down the line. I mean i doubt he's going to get too fat to care for himself like some of those "fattest people in the world" but he has a thyroid problem making it harder to lose weight. YOU are only 23 and are having big doubts here about a long term future with your bf. Truth is, you are not stuck to him with a big glob of glue, you have no kids and are completely free to live the life YOU want. Remember WE only get one life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 At 23 I would move on. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 you need to understand that the only thing you can fix is yourself. Never the other people. Not just at 23. Always. Read about co-dependency. Sounds like you're about to become one. Careful, this is not just about this guy. You are the same person so work on fixing yourself because there are a LOT of people out there who'd love to get a hold of you and use your poor boundaries to guilt you into attending to their needs. Really. Work on your assertiveness. Read stuff like "co dependent no more" and company. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 You are not married to your BF. You have goals for yourself & his current lifestyle doesn't fit into that long term plan. Not everybody has it in them to be a caregiver Your situation is not that of your BF's parents. If you were married, I would be reminding you of your vows: in sickness & in health; in good times & bad; 'til death do you part. You are not married. You never made those promises. You are free to go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 A tracheostomy isn't a heritable condition. He may need to lose a few pounds, but that alone won't doom him to a life of disability and being bedridden. At any rate, it sounds as if you're ready to break up with him. That's fine. It happens every day. We lose interest in others. Just break up. No need to blame it on his mother's condition. Unless I misunderstand, it's his father not your boyfriend who is her caregiver. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 My boyfriend of 5 years has some health problems that have been getting worse and worse. I really really love him and have been doing what I can to help him. But I know that as his girlfriend (who wants to be his wife someday) I could end up burdened this is where I stopped reading. You need to leave him so he can concentrate on finding supportive friends and agencies who will help him through his illness. He doesn't need the stress of trippin' off of someone who considers him to be a burden. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 A tracheostomy isn't a heritable condition. He may need to lose a few pounds, but that alone won't doom him to a life of disability and being bedridden. A trach also has to have an underlying cause/reason. Of the largest people I've encountered in health care, none has had a trach simply because they're big. I'm confused as to the underlying condition. His outcome depends on what that condition is. OP, it sounds as if you need to educate yourself a bit before making a decision. Link to post Share on other sites
thecrucible Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 You need to think about what's really at stake here. If it's really only the worry of him getting ill then I don't think that's a reason to break-up as we are really taking a risk with our lives everyday. You never know what's going to happen but when you are in love with someone that's the risk you take, that they may get ill and they need looking after or they die prematurely. It's odd that you are thinking about him getting ill when you are still both young. It's not something that crossed my mind at 23 anyway. Do you worry about other things like whether you are still attracted to him, or what he wants to do with his life? I broke up with someone at 21 and I think at the time I was just getting itchy feet because I hadn't done enough 'me'. I know that's pretty selfish but I had to let go as the urge was so strong to be free and explore. I was in your boots too - I was with my second long-term bf but I'd been from one relationship to another since I was 17 so it hadn't felt like I'd ever explored life as an adult on my own. Anyway sorry I type too much but think about what's really at stake and why you feel how you feel and you will have your answer soon enough. Link to post Share on other sites
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