Spouse refuses to answer important questions about household issues

[Morcenx]

Hopefully I'm posting in the right section - abuse. This seems to me like a form of emotional abuse. Basically it is controlling another in a relationship by refusing to answer basic & important household questions.

 

I've been with my wife about six years and we have a one year old child. She is exhibiting some symptoms of what seems to be postpartum depression, some of which are amplifications of traits she showed prior to when she got pregnant.

 

One of the really annoying traits she has had lately is refusing to answer harmless questions I have regarding household matters. For example we might be planning a vacation. The vacation involves arranging time off from work and it involves other people's schedules as well. When we're just shy of finalizing things, she has a fit about something, and won't talk to me. Before finalizing the vacation, I need to discuss some details with her, but she won't talk to me. The time and money of others are involved; my work schedule is involved; but I need to discuss some details with her before I finalize things.

 

Another example might be she is having a friend visit and wants the friend to stay at our house. Let's say I'm OK with it if the friend is staying for just a week or two; but if the friend is staying for two months, I'd prefer to get the friend a hotel room. Upon asking my wife how long the friend is staying, she gets upset and refuses to answer the question.

 

It's not the end of the world if any of these questions don't get answered. There are always work-arounds. But these are the types of questions one would expect a respectful answer to.

[MidwestUSA]

How solid is your marriage? I ask because it sounds like she's checking out.

 

Answering a few simple questions certainly takes less energy than getting into a huff and ignoring you. Even if depressed, she could manage to mutter something.

 

What type of behavior was she exhibiting before her pregnancy? You mentioned amplification.

 

 

On second thought, cancel that vacation and see how she reacts. Get the two of you into counseling, pronto. Get her to a doc for her PPD. If she refuses all help, and drops the D word again, call her on it, as long as you're prepared to pay alimony and child support.

 

It doesn't sound as if you like, much less love, each other.

Edited February 20, 2016 by MidwestUSA

[salparadise]

At best it's an avoidant, passive aggressive tactic for making unilateral decisions and refusing to discuss or negotiate. My ex did that too. If pressed on matters of some importance (credit card debt, etc.) she'd throw a fit to deflect, knowing I'd prefer to avoid conflict. It contributed to the final episodes that undermined trust and resulted in divorce. I'd suggest outing that tactic by having a calm but firm conversation about it. Once it's identified and named it's harder for her to use it as a tactic. My ex was a high-functioning borderline (undiagnosed), btw.

[TaraMaiden2]

Morcenx you already have quite a significant thread going here.

You outline the gravity of your situation, within your first post which begins thus:

 

Hello,

 

I've been with my wife about six years and we have a one year old child. She is exhibiting some symptoms of what seems to be postpartum depression, some of which are amplifications of traits she showed prior to when she got pregnant. Now whenever she gets upset with me, she drops the D-word. As she thinks I wouldn't want custody of our child, she adds that she'll leave me with custody, which strongly suggests she isn't serious with her use of the D-word. I am almost 100% sure she would want custody of our child if there were a divorce. She is a stay-at-home mom and works one day a week.

 

Here are some of her traits:

 

1) Phobic of outdoors (e.g. won't even take our baby to the park, which is within walking distance of our house; doesn't want to get out of the car when we go for a "Sunday afternoon drive")

2) Refuses to go to counseling

3) Repeatedly accuses me of being stingy when I've been generous with her

4) Treats me very disrespectfully (e.g. hangs up the phone on me, disregards my constructive suggestions, criticizes me, speaks to me in hostile/impolite tones, etc.)

5) Demands luxury gifts. When I don't give in (because she's been treating me poorly), she points to other couples and says something like "Jack bought Jill a $60,000 BMV"

6) Refuses to go to the doctor for herself or make doctor appointments for herself or our child.

7) She'll go on a rant, perhaps even using the D-word, then the following day peacefully ask about some future plan we need to have together for our child.

8) She is insisting on having her mother move in with us, when we have already came to a clear agreement that her mother isn't to live in our house. She now wishes to renege on this agreement.

9) Stays up very late and wakes up late. Refuses to attempt to modify her sleep schedule, saying it's impossible.

10) Lets the baby stay up late (often well beyond midnight)

11) When she won't speak rationally with me about the aforementioned issues, I say I'll talk with her friends. She responds by saying I'm the laughingstock among her friends because I talk to them about my wife.

12) Never says "I'm sorry"

13) Blames me for any problem she causes with respect to housekeeping.

 

Perhaps there's more I could add. Please feel free to ask questions.

 

You may all be wondering why I stick with this marriage in spite of the above. I'm well aware of the pain of divorce and am willing to endure (largely because of our child) if she isn't serious about a divorce.

 

You even go so far as to duplicate a specific line (In bold).

 

May I ask what you think you would gain by opening up second thread, when the first one has brought you quite an array of extremely sensible and grounded responses?

 

It's the same forum. In all probability, many of the people responding in your first thread, will likewise do so here.

 

I'm not sure exactly what it is you seek, but I think you need to address the responses you've had, rather than divert into a new thread....?

Edited February 20, 2016 by TaraMaiden2

[Morcenx]

Morcenx you already have quite a significant thread going here.

You outline the gravity of your situation, within your first post which begins thus:

 

 

 

You even go so far as to duplicate a specific line (In bold).

 

May I ask what you think you would gain by opening up second thread, when the first one has brought you quite an array of extremely sensible and grounded responses?

Very good question. While the other thread offers some excellent feedback, it doesn't focus specifically on the issue of question avoidance. I've had a lot of experience with message boards and forums, and a broad catch-all type of thread often can't stay focused on a particular issue.

 

It's the same forum. In all probability, many of the people responding in your first thread, will likewise do so here.

That would be OK if it were the case. In the other thread, there were all types of issues addressed. As I said, the idea here is to focus on the specific issue of question avoidance.

 

I'm not sure exactly what it is you seek, but I think you need to address the responses you've had, rather than divert into a new thread....?

As time permits, I intend to address all responses. Thanks for your feedback.

[BlueIris]

Do you ask her why she’s upset when she gets upset? If she doesn’t tell you why, maybe ask her to think about it and let you know later. Tell her you don’t understand why it made her upset and you want to understand. If she doesn't explain it later, maybe bring it up a couple of days later and ask if she's thought about it.

Edited February 20, 2016 by BlueIris

[Morcenx]

Do you ask her why she’s upset when she gets upset? If she doesn’t tell you why, maybe ask her to think about it and let you know later. Tell her you don’t understand why it made her upset and you want to understand. If she doesn't explain it later, maybe bring it up a couple of days later and ask if she's thought about it.

Good idea. I'll try that.

[candie13]

Read about stonewalling as a negotiating technique. May guess is she's manipulating you.

 

Read also "why does he do that", a book explaining how abusers work. Then decide your next action.

 

One thing's for sure: talking to her won't work. She's refusing all communication to get her way. Try to assess if her problem is inability to communication or if it's the way she thinks.

 

When it comes to abusers, it's not whom they are. It is how they think. Their sense of entitlement. Their lack of empathy towards those around them who are only means to their purposes.

 

So: you either find a way to break her through to her and make her change her behavior or get out of this marriage asap. So you either take a stand and make her behave differently or LEAVE.

 

You risk to become her doormat, if you're not there already. Doormat or victim, at her disposal and at her whim for more abuse, whenever she wants something from you or something done.

 

Firm boundaries. Say NO. Cancel the holiday. Move in another room. Contact the friend and say "no, you cannot come to my house". Then confront your wife and let her know what this sort of behavior is UNACCEPTABLE. It has to start from YOU.

[spiderowl]

She wants a friend to stay with her. Is this a male or female friend? Her insistence over having this friend stay suggests that she is very engaged with the friend and that she doesn't care what you think. It sounds like she has lost her attachment to you and is becoming disrespectful. This could be post-natal depression or it could be that she does not feel the same way about you any more.

 

If she wants a female friend to stay, what is the rationale? Has the woman no other place to stay? If she has somewhere else to stay and is usually happy there, then my deeply suspicious mind is wondering if your wife could be bisexual? I find it odd that she would want a friend to stay for a long time and not care how her husband would feel about this. I have heard of more than one case where a third person was brought into the home (in one case a husband brought a female friend in and in the other a woman brought a male friend in) and they were really forming a new romantic relationship with the incomer.

 

It may not be anything like this and your wife might just need some support. She is at home most of the time with a young child which drains anyone.

Edited February 21, 2016 by spiderowl

[Arieswoman]

Morcenx,

 

This seems to me like a form of emotional abuse. Basically it is controlling another in a relationship by refusing to answer basic & important household questions.

 

^^^^

 

You've nailed it there.

 

I had years of this with my exH.

We would discuss household matters and agree. Then he never followed through. Or he refused to discuss them. When I got angry/upset about it he walked away or stonewalled me. I ended up sorting the problem out every time which was exhausting. I ended up frustrated and depressed.

 

IMO your wife is showing passive/agressive behaviour and I can't see it getting better any time soon.

 

I divorced my exH and now he's someone else's problem and hey, guess what, I've got more energy and am no longer depressed/frustrated.

 

I can't advise you what to do. It all depends how much emotional and psychological energy you can/are willing to put into this as she's emotionally draining you at the moment.

 

I'm sorry.

[amaysngrace]

If she isn't taking your baby to the doctor that's neglect.

 

I think she needs help because she doesn't sound like she's in a good place in her mind and your baby can suffer psychologically if her main caregiver is neglectful.

 

I'd be more concerned for your wife and especially your baby than I would be about myself if I were you.

[turnera]

She stonewalls because it serves her purposes. But how does knowing that change anything?

 

What really needs to happen here is that YOU need to be going to therapy, by yourself, so you can get armed with the tools necessary to do with her broad range of mental issues. You can't do this on your own. You can't make her change. What you CAN do is adjust YOUR behavior so as to keep the family chugging along, no matter what she does. She will then have a choice to adapt to keep up with the family, or get left out. Stop focusing on what SHE does and start focusing on what YOU can do.

[Phoenician]

At best it's an avoidant, passive aggressive tactic for making unilateral decisions and refusing to discuss or negotiate. My ex did that too. If pressed on matters of some importance (credit card debt, etc.) she'd throw a fit to deflect, knowing I'd prefer to avoid conflict. It contributed to the final episodes that undermined trust and resulted in divorce. I'd suggest outing that tactic by having a calm but firm conversation about it. Once it's identified and named it's harder for her to use it as a tactic. My ex was a high-functioning borderline (undiagnosed), btw.

 

wow ,

you are talking about my wife !

tactic !

 

if I dare to ask her about something that needs explanation such as financial manner she would throw the cards in my face !

very hard to live with passive aggressive , borderline ppl !

[RRM321]

It's a controlling behavior.

 

Essentially, to guarantee that I get my own way, I simply keep quiet or refuse to provide any information that could otherwise change the outcome I have already setup.

 

If I tell you my mom is moving in on Friday, you might do something to stop it. If she shows up unannounced well, it's pretty much a done deal unless you want to make a total scene and look like the cruel, bad guy who reneged on this agreement.

 

C'est un fait accompli