Women who cheat........(emotionally or physically).

[genuinegal31]

I feel I need to get this out there to show support to the women who have cheated on their long term partner. I feel that those women who do cheat get a lot of bad press.

 

No one likes infidelity, everyone feels its pain. I don't condone it despite sounding like a hypocrite.

 

When guys cheat it's more often than not just a sexual thing, and whilst it breaks and shatters the heart of many women, I understand why some guys do cheat - after they have been with a partner for a long time and temptation arises. Not all men of course.

 

Women, conversely, cheat because of one simple reason - their emotions aren't being acknowledged or supported by their partner, despite repeated reminders to said partner that they aren't being emotionally understanding or supportive.

 

It angers me when people are quick to publicly hang those women who have cheated.

 

When I am in a relationship with a partner I commit myself fully 110%. My previous relationship last 5 years and I barely sniffed another man let alone kissed/had sex with one. My ex was several years younger than me and believe he didn't have the emotional maturity or sensitivity to appreciate a mature relationship. Whenever I tried to express my dissapointment or upset at a below-the-belt remark - which damaged my self esteem - he wouldn't acknowledge my emotions at all. Over a 5 year period this unequivocally damaged my self-esteem (as well as the fact he'd already ended our relationship twice - giving him the benefit of the doubt on both occasions, as i work hard to make relationships work). I'd helped him through periods of money issues, gambling, job problems and him starting his own business - yet all that time i never got the emotional support and acknowledgement i needed. I'm not talking counselling here, i'm talking acknowledging I was upset, sad, angry (whatever the issue I was facing) - it was like he couldn't do empathy.

 

I am ashamed nonetheless it took another person who had the emotional maturity to make me realise there are sympathetic, caring and considerate guys out there. I knew I had been unhappy for a while in my relationship and hung on desperately hoping it would work out in the end (we didn't live together and were LDR). I couldn't help but fall for someone else and I think by that point, I was emotionally and spiritually broken. I dedicated 5 years of my life trying to make my ex happy and loved and supported, and completely neglected my own happiness in the process. All that time he didn't seem to appreciate that and subsequently, it ended up me being drawn to another person.

 

So, this is a show of support to the women who have cheated and been in my boat because people are too quick to judge the person without knowing the full story. More often than not, as ive said, its because men don't cater to the emotional needs of women and that's why those women will end the relationship - whether that involves another guy or not.

[carhill]

Yeah, perceived emotional neglect or abuse has been a common theme from MW's over the decades. What I noticed is it seemed that they, overwhelmingly, were seeking a repository for their pain or validation of their self-worth and with no clear desire nor plan to rid themselves of the dynamic which they stated caused so much pain. In essence, their words and actions were diametrically opposed.

 

I dealt with some of this as a MM and, as soon as I saw the writing on the wall, and it was pretty quickly, within less than a year, I started working to end the marriage, and did, pretty much right on schedule. About the only difference I could glean from the disparity in actions was love for spouse. When faced with neglect, my love died and, whoa, why on earth would anyone want to flagellate themselves by staying in a situation like that. Yet, plenty of MW's I've known have stayed, for years. Heck, some still stay, and complain, years or decades later. Knowing women like I do, if they don't love someone, he's a zero and she's outta there. Hence, they must love the person who's abusing or neglecting them and the scary part is why. I guess only they know. I get the attraction to lifestyle but that isn't dependent on a person, at least not sufficiently to remain neglected or abused.

 

Interesting stuff. As a young man, getting used by MW's kinda pissed me off. However, that was mostly anger at myself for being such a dope. Now it's more yeah, right, situation normal. Next.

[road]

Sorry it was wrong for you to cheat. Being a woman has no bearing or how you were treated for it is still wrong to cheat.

 

 

What was worse is that you let yourself be treated that bad, be that unhappy for five years. However still no excuse.

 

 

You have lived and I hoped you have learned that you should never cheat again and stay in a bad relationship.

[moebius]

I have never heard of someone saying they are glad they cheated, except for those who did it for revenge to someone they didn't loved. I've seen hundred of cases and always cheating is just another mistake in the chain. I agree society is hypocritical about women vs men infidelity. But that doesn't make cheating a good thing. It's true usually women cheat because they are not being valued by their partner. But I haven't seen a couple who solved this because the women cheated on the guy.

[smackie9]

I don't condone infidelity, but I do understand it and why it happens. I have seen it have actual positive affects on a marriage/relationship, bringing them closer together, realizing the issues, and the willingness to move past it. A stronger bond is made.

Edited February 22, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Spikiera]

No excuses, should end it before you start another.

 

I understand the reasoning behind it but still, no excuses.

[brothers343]

When your in combat, killing another is a have too or it's your head. Cheating is a choice. If my wife was to abuse me mentally for a long time like the OP said that happen in her relationship then it would be my choice to stay or leave that relationship. If I cheat on my wife it's becouse I want too not becouse she makes my life miserable. Leaving a relationship is a choice so is cheating. Simple as that.

[thecrucible]

Explaining the reasons for cheating doesn't justify it btw - you can acknowledge the choice but understand why you did it. I think doing something bad makes you a better person in the end if you use the experience in the correct way. It teaches you that you're not infallible. I cheated in the past and it's forever changed me - made me better at relationships and also made me walk around with it hanging over my head all the time. I always feel like a bad person no matter how good I act but I strive even more than I ever did before to be a compassionate person. So yes I think if you've done something wrong you need to reason about it to help you move on.

[Lois_Griffin]

Women, conversely, cheat because of one simple reason - their emotions aren't being acknowledged or supported by their partner, despite repeated reminders to said partner that they aren't being emotionally understanding or supportive.

You don't speak for all women and couldn't possibly know every single woman's reason for why they cheated. I actually knew several ladies a few years ago who cheated PURELY for the sex, and nothing else.

[RecentChange]

I cheated for sex. It wasn't an emotional thing. Also wasn't about "breaking up first".

 

We have both cheated, and been together longer than many marriages (2016 will make 15 years).

 

Hard to make sweeping generalizations when it comes to individual relationships.

 

As for regrets, sure I regret the pain caused, but over all I do not regret cheating. Brought issues to the forefront that needed to be delt with - and here is the super selfish part - I got to live a little.

[fireflywy]

Some of us have had to be put in the position of breaking up with people we REALLY love and cared for because they put us in the situation rather then stay in a relationship that isn't reciprocal.

 

It is heartbreaking to take all of that hope that maybe, JUST MAYBE, something will change if you just hold on a little longer. When you finally make the desicion it takes a LOT of courage to do so and often you are made dumpee instead of dumper.

 

Going wayward and cheating is the weak and cowardly way out. I understand how you may become "attracted" to someone better in those situations, but when reality hits about your relationship, put on your big girl/big boy pants and bail before you cheat.

 

Sorry. I can't condone cheating EVER.

[drifter777]

End the marriage/LTR and then jump into bed with other people. How hard is this to understand? The only reason to not do this is because you want to set up your next partner before you leave the one your with now. Cowardly, cruel, immature and selfish.

[soleilesquire]

There are many legitimate reasons that someone can become miserable in a relationship.

 

None of those reasons make it okay to cheat.

[Space Ritual]

I feel I need to get this out there to show support to the women who have cheated on their long term partner. I feel that those women who do cheat get a lot of bad press.

 

No one likes infidelity, everyone feels its pain. I don't condone it despite sounding like a hypocrite.

 

When guys cheat it's more often than not just a sexual thing, and whilst it breaks and shatters the heart of many women, I understand why some guys do cheat - after they have been with a partner for a long time and temptation arises. Not all men of course.

 

Women, conversely, cheat because of one simple reason - their emotions aren't being acknowledged or supported by their partner, despite repeated reminders to said partner that they aren't being emotionally understanding or supportive.

 

It angers me when people are quick to publicly hang those women who have cheated.

 

When I am in a relationship with a partner I commit myself fully 110%. My previous relationship last 5 years and I barely sniffed another man let alone kissed/had sex with one. My ex was several years younger than me and believe he didn't have the emotional maturity or sensitivity to appreciate a mature relationship. Whenever I tried to express my dissapointment or upset at a below-the-belt remark - which damaged my self esteem - he wouldn't acknowledge my emotions at all. Over a 5 year period this unequivocally damaged my self-esteem (as well as the fact he'd already ended our relationship twice - giving him the benefit of the doubt on both occasions, as i work hard to make relationships work). I'd helped him through periods of money issues, gambling, job problems and him starting his own business - yet all that time i never got the emotional support and acknowledgement i needed. I'm not talking counselling here, i'm talking acknowledging I was upset, sad, angry (whatever the issue I was facing) - it was like he couldn't do empathy.

 

I am ashamed nonetheless it took another person who had the emotional maturity to make me realise there are sympathetic, caring and considerate guys out there. I knew I had been unhappy for a while in my relationship and hung on desperately hoping it would work out in the end (we didn't live together and were LDR). I couldn't help but fall for someone else and I think by that point, I was emotionally and spiritually broken. I dedicated 5 years of my life trying to make my ex happy and loved and supported, and completely neglected my own happiness in the process. All that time he didn't seem to appreciate that and subsequently, it ended up me being drawn to another person.

 

So, this is a show of support to the women who have cheated and been in my boat because people are too quick to judge the person without knowing the full story. More often than not, as ive said, its because men don't cater to the emotional needs of women and that's why those women will end the relationship - whether that involves another guy or not.

 

 

What a load of crap!

 

You cheated because you wanted to.

[Chi townD]

I don't agree. I don't think that women are treated more harshly because of infidelity.

 

 

You won't find it too much here, because people here know better and will call them out on their sh*t.

 

 

But, I think that most people in the public view it as if I guy cheats, he's in the wrong. If a girl cheats, then there's a problem. There was a break down of communication. He was emotionally unavailable. He put up an emotional wall and closed her out....blah...blah...

 

That's why if someone comes here and he says that he wants to reconcile his relationship from infidelity. I would ALWAYS tell him that they need to get into counseling. BUT! He needs to do his homework and find a counselor that specializes in infidelity and not your run of the mill counselor. Because these "Oprah/ Dr. Phil" counselors will say that she cheated because you didn't do this, that or the other. So, it's like, if the guy cheats it's all his fault. If the woman cheats, it's still the guy's fault. A counselor that specializes will make the cheater own up to their own sh*t.

 

 

But here, bottomline. Cheating is not a gendered issue and people here will call someone out on it.

[thecrucible]

There are many legitimate reasons that someone can become miserable in a relationship.

 

None of those reasons make it okay to cheat.

 

I totally agree with that - sounds odd because I cheated in the past. In my case, my logical brain was out of the window. Yes cheating is a choice, it's not always a logical one that someone thinks about before they do it. Sometimes the dark side of you comes out without you expecting it (drugs can influence this). It's horrible to feel that you had a dark side in the past but it drives you to be a better person. Forgiving yourself and accepting what you did was wrong and improving yourself as a person does not mean that you are saying what you did was okay. There just comes a point when it's more beneficial to the rest of the world for you to make something better out of something awful rather than continuing on and being the same person. It's about taking responsibility for yourself and your actions but many people are capable of doing bad things no matter how good they think they are. I know myself I was always the person that said "Cheating is terrible and cowardly. Nothing justifies it and I would never do it" but then it happened.

[joseb]

You know, few things wind me up as much as when people like the OP bang on about how they cheated because their partner wasn't doing x y or z.

If your needs aren't being met, tell them. If that doesn't work, leave the relationship. It's all just an excuse. Accept you were wrong and move on. Stop trying to blame your partner.

I was cheated on for months. I was devastated when I found out. But almost more damaging were the months afterwards where I blamed myself, where *I* tried to make it up to *her* because of whatever BS excuses she had given (fueled by articles similar to OP's post) Even after I did all she asked on an attempt to make it work, she still cheated again being my back.

I'm going to stop now as this is making me pretty angry and this happened over 10 years ago...

Edited March 5, 2016 by joseb

[mike_89]

You know, few things wind me up as much as when people like the OP bang on about how they cheated because their partner wasn't doing x y or z.

This here. If you cheat, it's your responsibility. I have cheated on my ex, after I wanted to break up with her and she begged me to stay. I was wrong, I should not have stayed with her and then I would never have cheated on her.

[joseb]

This here. If you cheat, it's your responsibility. I have cheated on my ex, after I wanted to break up with her and she begged me to stay. I was wrong, I should not have stayed with her and then I would never have cheated on her.

 

Yip, but you are owing your mistake. Fair play

 

Next time you will probably see it through when you need to leave someone.

[William]

Folks, so people don't get wound up over a story that was posted, whoa, two weeks ago and whose author logged out 20 minutes after posting it and hasn't returned, I'll thank you for your considered responses and close this up.