Fear I am not progressing well in coping, 2

[Zapbasket]

My ex and I broke up on 8/23. We were together for 3.5 years. We immediately went NC, but then had one more email contact that ended with him ending the relationship for good on 10/13.

 

We have not spoken since.

 

This was a very confusing relationship for me, for many reasons. I kept having a gnawing instinct to leave much sooner than last year, but something held me back.

 

When we broke up, we were both in individual therapy. I have continued with it. I also got a new job, made some new contacts and friends, and achieved some athletic goals. I even have had some happy times, but since the breakup overall it has been a tremendous struggle. My therapy has revealed some issues and beyond the breakup, I have suffered much grief that my life is where it is at age 37, when I always was confident I'd be married with kids, happy, with a great career. There was a stretch this winter where I seriously questioned the value of continuing living.

 

Maybe it's because I have this month off from work and so have more down time; maybe it's because it's "off-season" in the resort town where I live and so no one is around; maybe it's because last week I discovered my ex on a dating site; maybe it's a combination of both. But I have been feeling very, very low about this breakup. Low, and still confused. Still. Sometimes I have clarity, but now the image of my ex with someone else--even LOOKING for someone else when his life was such a huge mess while we dated, there's NO WAY he got it sorted out over the past 9 months--throws me into a tailspin of insecurity and grief. I suppose I expected he would contact me, as he basically ran from our relationship. (He had started running some would say since the beginning, but certainly beginning last spring.)

 

I just feel like I should be further along in my coping. The breakup of a 5-year relationship that brought me to LS in 2007, I feel like I coped better after that one than I am coping now. I feel depleted, demoralized, abandoned, and still grief-stricken.

 

I'm still going to therapy and my therapist things that while I'm clearly struggling I am coping as well as can be expected. But I am not convinced and I don't know what to do. Outwardly I'm doing all the right things, and yet I still feel like this.

 

Can anyone relate? Do any of you have any suggestions? I really feel out of ideas at this point, save for just packing up and leaving town, which is not an option right now. Besides, I did that to cope with my 2007 break up, and I'd never advocate moving as a way of solving your issues. It feels exhilarating at first, but then the issues remain once the dust of the move has settled. At least that's what I've found. This is a very small town, though, and my ex lives just down the road from me, along with his whole family. So no matter what I do I feel like it's in my face all the time.

 

Just sooo tired of feeling like this.

[Strength in Healing]

Sorry to hear this, and I relate fully.

 

I am happy to inform you, however, that you aren't progressing worse than anyone. We all have a unique timeline that is created by a combination of ourselves + the relationship's traits.

 

You are healing as best as you could hope to, and you are walking the path you need to. Stay strong, stay in therapy, and ride out the wave. We all are riding on our own waves, they vary in sizes, but take us all to the same destination.

Edited May 17, 2014 by Strength in Healing

[mtnbiker3000]

If it makes you feel any better, I am still struggling quite a bit too. And my BU was in Jan/Feb of 2013...

 

I've learned that the reasons behind this are many. Not only did I lose the most unbelievable woman I've ever been with, but I am also coping with the loss of my mom and a general mid-life crisis type thing Been a rough year. The BU hurts the worst and still is on my mind daily

 

Oh, and I did pack up and leave town 2 months ago. Kinda helped, I guess. I dunno. My progress is hard to measure...

[BC1980]

Everything you described, I have felt. I still feel it in some ways, but it's not nearly as strong as it has been. I think that NC dulled it over time. With looking on the website, you haven't been in NC, so you keep fueling the fire. With regards to your emotions, those are very normal. I myself went to depths that scared me, and I worried I would never move on. Let me tell you that NC is a huge part of moving on because you are essentially forcing yourself to accept that it's over.

[Zapbasket]

Sorry to hear this, and I relate fully.

 

I am happy to inform you, however, that you aren't progressing worse than anyone. We all have a unique timeline that is created by a combination of ourselves + the relationship's traits.

 

You are healing as best as you could hope to, and you are walking the path you need to. Stay strong, stay in therapy, and ride out the wave. We all are riding on our own waves, they vary in sizes, but take us all to the same destination.

 

Beautiful thought. Thank you. It has made me cry.

[BC1980]

If it makes you feel any better, I am still struggling quite a bit too. And my BU was in Jan/Feb of 2013...

 

I've learned that the reasons behind this are many. Not only did I lose the most unbelievable woman I've ever been with, but I am also coping with the loss of my mom and a general mid-life crisis type thing Been a rough year. The BU hurts the worst and still is on my mind daily

 

Oh, and I did pack up and leave town 2 months ago. Kinda helped, I guess. I dunno. My progress is hard to measure...

 

I think it's harder to move on from dysfunctional relationships when you also have low self-esteem and no boundaries. That is my problem as well. Greencove, I've read your threads, and your ex seems so much like mine. I've made a lot of strides, but it's been hard fought. It's been brutal and something I don't wish on anyone else.

[Zapbasket]

Not only did I lose the most unbelievable woman I've ever been with, but I am also coping with the loss of my mom and a general mid-life crisis type thing Been a rough year. The BU hurts the worst and still is on my mind daily

 

Very sorry about your mom, MtnBiker. I can only imagine how much the compounds the pain.

 

So even after all this time, you still feel your ex was the most unbelievable woman you've ever been with? Are there NO cracks in that Michelangelo? I can think of one: she let go of a man who thinks she's the most unbelievable woman he's ever been with. I'll have to read your story, but I'd bet there are at least SOME things that make her less than endearing.

 

Oh, and I did pack up and leave town 2 months ago. Kinda helped, I guess. I dunno. My progress is hard to measure...

 

How do you think it has helped? (I ask, because I dealt with a b/u once by getting into a rebound and moving. It only made my life more unpleasantly complicated, though I did move to a very beautiful place--with some of the best mtn biking, btw:).)

[mtnbiker3000]

I think it's harder to move on from dysfunctional relationships when you also have low self-esteem and no boundaries. That is my problem as well.

 

Agreed! Also, when you have never identified or understood your own wants and needs, but rather have always focused on those of others, it is difficult to be happy with yourself. You have no way of finding your own happiness. Rather, you use other people to supply it for you. Often times, you give to get, in order to feel loved, valued and worthy...

[Zapbasket]

Everything you described, I have felt. I still feel it in some ways, but it's not nearly as strong as it has been. I think that NC dulled it over time. With looking on the website, you haven't been in NC, so you keep fueling the fire. With regards to your emotions, those are very normal. I myself went to depths that scared me, and I worried I would never move on. Let me tell you that NC is a huge part of moving on because you are essentially forcing yourself to accept that it's over.

 

I have been mulling over your and other LSers' advice to block, delete, etc. for full NC. I just can't bring myself to do it, and I am ashamed of that. It's like I am a dog and all my RL and LS friends, in urging me to go full NC, are reaching to take the last scrap of meat in my bowl. Literally the thought makes me shake and cry.

 

I fear that if I do that, block him on FB, LinkedIn, stop checking up on him on the dating sites, stop looking to see if his lights are on in his apt as I pass by his house on the highway (where I have to go to get to the stores, etc.), he'll STILL appear in real life. Lately I have been seeing his truck everywhere, and we have even passed one another on the road a number of times. I do not make eye contact. But each time it ravages me with hurt, and I dread the inevitable day when I walk into a store or restaurant, maybe even feeling happy, and BAM, there he'll be, maybe with one of the girls from the dating site. I know I won't be able to handle it. So far we have been lucky because my work and sport kept me miles away from our homes 7 days a week all winter. Also, we both have distinctive vehicles--his, very much so. So when I see it outside the grocery, say, I just don't go there. Not worth the pain.

 

Then his family: I work with his mom; his family also lives down the road from me. I've decided to tell his mother that I just can't see her anymore despite knowing we love each other. I think we both thought my ex would reach out to me by now; I think she is a bit frustrated with his behavior, herself. But seeing her is just too painful.

 

I feel myself desperately clinging to that last meat-scrap of this relationship even while rationally I know I couldn't have stayed in it one day more. I just so wanted, and want, to hear from him, to receive an apology, some mature insight, anything. I really believed we loved each other, but his behavior in the last months of the relationship and his parting email and the fact that he felt an email sufficed to end our relationship, strongly suggests otherwise, which is very, very confusing.

 

Anyway, sorry for my ranting novel.

[mtnbiker3000]

Very sorry about your mom, MtnBiker. I can only imagine how much the compounds the pain.

 

Yeah, I feel bad as I can't even give her the proper grieving or mourning yet as all my emotional energy is still attached to the ex. That blows, and I'm sure it's causing major emotional damage as we speak.

 

So even after all this time, you still feel your ex was the most unbelievable woman you've ever been with? Are there NO cracks in that Michelangelo? I can think of one: she let go of a man who thinks she's the most unbelievable woman he's ever been with. I'll have to read your story, but I'd bet there are at least SOME things that make her less than endearing.

 

Oh, her flaws were many. And she did things that really upset me a great deal. She knew how I felt about her. This was part of the problem. When we moved to a small town half way through our RS, I started to pedestalize her and things wen't south pretty quickly. Again, I have my own issues to work through like low self-esteem, etc...

 

How do you think it has helped? (I ask, because I dealt with a b/u once by getting into a rebound and moving. It only made my life more unpleasantly complicated, though I did move to a very beautiful place--with some of the best mtn biking, btw:).)

 

In reality it has helped a lot. I actually really like the Portland area. And I dreaded living in a small town (100K pop.) with the ex. Always feared running into her, either single or attached.

 

Maybe why your move didn't work out is because there was a rebound involved. I made my move completely for me and by myself...

 

And the mountain biking here is pretty sweet, too

[Zapbasket]

I think it's harder to move on from dysfunctional relationships when you also have low self-esteem and no boundaries. That is my problem as well. Greencove, I've read your threads, and your ex seems so much like mine. I've made a lot of strides, but it's been hard fought. It's been brutal and something I don't wish on anyone else.

 

Ditto to everything you say. You sound so strong on these boards; I've been looking up to you and it's heartening to know that it's nevertheless still a struggle for you, too.

 

How are you addressing the low self-esteem and poor/no boundaries? I feel I have found reserves of low self-esteem I never knew I had. It's really bad. I always thought I was this confident person, reasonably so, anyway.

[learning_slowly]

I also think in this case, it maybe the age thing. Women only have a certain time to have a baby. And maybe this is why it's sticking with you over last time.

 

I know people who had babies at 39 and they are far better parents than younger ones I know. They have more patience and their kids seem far more rounded.

 

You can still have children, but you may have to be more forgiving in the standards you set for your partner.

 

If you want something bad enough, you will forgo all other needs to get it. It just depends on what you want.

[mtnbiker3000]

Like BC said, you will never be able to fully move on if you don't go 100% NC!!! Which is weird, as you describe the immense hurt you feel whenever you see him or his truck. Why wouldn't you just cut all of him out as much as possible??

 

As someone who has been NC since March of 2013, let me say that it is the key to surviving. Not saying you will magically feel 100% healed, but it will pave the way!!!

[Zapbasket]

I also think in this case, it maybe the age thing. Women only have a certain time to have a baby. And maybe this is why it's sticking with you over last time.

 

I know people who had babies at 39 and they are far better parents than younger ones I know. They have more patience and their kids seem far more rounded.

 

You can still have children, but you may have to be more forgiving in the standards you set for your partner.

 

If you want something bad enough, you will forgo all other needs to get it. It just depends on what you want.

 

Thank you. It's true that this is not where I wanted to be at this stage in life, not by a long shot.

 

But I think my problem is that I have been far, far TOO forgiving in the standards I set for a partner. I have spent a decade of my life with three men, none of whom were equipped to be the kind of long-term partner I'd need. Certainly this is true of the second two, who had some pretty heavy structural issues, psychologically speaking.

 

I can't even deal right now with the possibility of not having a child. I feel like I need to focus on getting healthy and happy within myself, and then I pray the rest will fall into place.

[mtnbiker3000]

Green - As I mentioned. Are your true wants and needs clear? And do you command they are met?

 

Sounds like you focus on the wants and needs of others over your own, and you think if you just do what others want, they will surely see your value and worth and love you the way you desire...

 

Not trying to insult you, but maybe give you some food for thought

 

And men feel the pain of missing out on family as well. I always thought I would have children, but not looking like it's going to happen

[Zapbasket]

Yeah, I feel bad as I can't even give her the proper grieving or mourning yet as all my emotional energy is still attached to the ex. That blows, and I'm sure it's causing major emotional damage as we speak.

 

I mean this in a much more uplifting way than it sounds: You have the rest of your life to mourn your mother. She WILL get a proper mourning, in time. It will come in due course; that is a guarantee.

 

 

Oh, her flaws were many. And she did things that really upset me a great deal. She knew how I felt about her. This was part of the problem. When we moved to a small town half way through our RS, I started to pedestalize her and things wen't south pretty quickly. Again, I have my own issues to work through like low self-esteem, etc...

 

I think this weekend I'm going to make a list of my ex's flaws--we should compare notes! I keep finding myself in this, "But I love him," space, and while that is true, I need to bring the focus to how he treated me and the relationship especially near the end. That is definitely NOT love-worthy.

 

 

 

In reality it has helped a lot. I actually really like the Portland area. And I dreaded living in a small town (100K pop.) with the ex. Always feared running into her, either single or attached.

 

Maybe why your move didn't work out is because there was a rebound involved. I made my move completely for me and by myself...

 

And the mountain biking here is pretty sweet, too

 

Funny, I considered moving to Portland, too, at one point. Even went there for a training opportunity last summer.

 

Where I live, the pop. is maybe about a quarter of your small town. It's really hard and I am angry at my ex for leaving it like this, where I have to avoid him, navigate the relationships I built with his family, etc. Very uncaring of him, and selfish. (See? I'm starting on my list!)

 

Yes, the rebound was the hugest mistake of all. The sexual flurry in the beginning, and the anticipation, etc., SEEMED to help move me forward, but partly because I didn't deal with my issues, I ended up right back in the same place emotionally.

[BC1980]

Ditto to everything you say. You sound so strong on these boards; I've been looking up to you and it's heartening to know that it's nevertheless still a struggle for you, too.

 

How are you addressing the low self-esteem and poor/no boundaries? I feel I have found reserves of low self-esteem I never knew I had. It's really bad. I always thought I was this confident person, reasonably so, anyway.

 

Trust me, I was not strong one year ago. I was anything from it. It has taken this past year to even begin to be strong again. I also realized that I gave all to men who didn't reciprocate. I allowed my ex to make me feel like my feelings, needs, and opinions were not as good as his. I had no boundaries and low self esteem.

 

I will tell you that NC will help immensely with moving on and self esteem. It took me about 7 months to go NC. I started at 4 m

[BC1980]

Ditto to everything you say. You sound so strong on these boards; I've been looking up to you and it's heartening to know that it's nevertheless still a struggle for you, too.

 

How are you addressing the low self-esteem and poor/no boundaries? I feel I have found reserves of low self-esteem I never knew I had. It's really bad. I always thought I was this confident person, reasonably so, anyway.

 

Trust me, I was not strong one year ago. I was anything from it. It has taken this past year to even begin to be strong again. I also realized that I gave all to men who didn't reciprocate. I allowed my ex to make me feel like my feelings, needs, and opinions were not as good as his. I had no boundaries and low self esteem.

 

I will tell you that NC will help immensely with moving on and self esteem. It took me about 7 months to go NC. I started at 4 months but broke it at 90 days. It might help for you to take it in chunks. Try to get through 30 days NC. Then 60 days, 90 days, ect. Don't focus on how you are not speaking with him but on yourself and moving on.

[Hoosfoos]

Its very hard loving someone who is not very careful with your heart.

[FredJones80]

Trust me, I was not strong one year ago.

 

I agree, everyone is different.

 

Funnily enough I don't have any problem with NC at all. After the first 2 weeks of struggling and making LC, I decided after writing one final thing and reading the NC guide to not contact at all.

 

4 weeks later and still going strong. I know contact is futile. So either I receive contact from her stating her mistake or we never speak again... harder is getting over the loss and missing her

[BC1980]

I agree, everyone is different.

 

Funnily enough I don't have any problem with NC at all. After the first 2 weeks of struggling and making LC, I decided after writing one final thing and reading the NC guide to not contact at all.

 

4 weeks later and still going strong. I know contact is futile. So either I receive contact from her stating her mistake or we never speak again... harder is getting over the loss and missing her

 

That's great It seems like you have come to acceptance faster than I did. I really resisted accepting my breakup, which is why I stayed in contact. I kept thinking he would change his mind. This guy did a number on my like no one else, and I think it was the fact that both of us had issues going into the relationship. The sad thing is that the majority of the time, I felt like it couldn't get better. It felt so right at times. Of course, I can't assume what he was thinking or if he was honest at all times.

 

I identify with the OP. I had a h@ll of a time going NC. I never posted a thread about staying in contact with my ex because I knew what the answers would be. I never told my family or friends that I kept LC because I knew what they would say. In my heart, I knew they were right, and I needed to cut contact. I just didn't want to admit it. I think not going NC or breaking NC is a form of denial. Each time you contact your ex, it resets the healing/grief process, so you don't have to go through the really tough parts of it, which is the middle part before you reach acceptance and move on.

 

I hate to even think back on those days. I cried my eyes out so many times, had anxiety for the first time in my life, felt generally hopeless, and it was all I could do to make it to work. I was actually glad to be at work because it gave some structure to my day. Dark times indeed, but I had to go through them. I feel like I'm now in the process of rebuilding my life as a single person, making new goals, trying to enjoy each day I have. It sure was h@ll to get to this point though, but it did make me stronger.

[BC1980]

I just feel like I should be further along in my coping. The breakup of a 5-year relationship that brought me to LS in 2007, I feel like I coped better after that one than I am coping now. I feel depleted, demoralized, abandoned, and still grief-stricken.

 

You are probably grieving other losses besides your ex. I'm 33, and I am like you now. Grieving possibly never having a child, grieving what I thought my life would be like at this point. My other breakups weren't nearly this bad, but, for me, this breakup signified something different.

[FredJones80]

That's great It seems like you have come to acceptance faster than I did. I really resisted accepting my breakup, which is why I stayed in contact. I kept thinking he would change his mind. This guy did a number on my like no one else, and I think it was the fact that both of us had issues going into the relationship. The sad thing is that the majority of the time, I felt like it couldn't get better. It felt so right at times. Of course, I can't assume what he was thinking or if he was honest at all times.

 

I hate to even think back on those days. I cried my eyes out so many times, had anxiety for the first time in my life, felt generally hopeless, and it was all I could do to make it to work. I was actually glad to be at work because it gave some structure to my day. Dark times indeed, but I had to go through them. I feel like I'm now in the process of rebuilding my life as a single person, making new goals, trying to enjoy each day I have. It sure was h@ll to get to this point though, but it did make me stronger.

 

Oh no, I definitely have not accepted it. I go through terrible emotions, each day a fun way to find out which I'll have, sadness, anger, resentment, acceptance, crying, sickness, stomach pangs... horrible... but through it all after following the NC guide and removing all ways to contact I don't have any urge to contact.

 

I still feel awful though, terrible in fact. I just have no urge to contact because I believe I made everything clear during breakup and in the first 2 weeks LC.

[BC1980]

Oh no, I definitely have not accepted it. I go through terrible emotions, each day a fun way to find out which I'll have, sadness, anger, resentment, acceptance, crying, sickness, stomach pangs... horrible... but through it all after following the NC guide and removing all ways to contact I don't have any urge to contact.

 

I still feel awful though, terrible in fact. I just have no urge to contact because I believe I made everything clear during breakup and in the first 2 weeks LC.

 

I can relate exactly. I would wake up and think, f@ck, I have to get up and live again today. I have to make it through this day somehow. I would curse the sun coming up because it meant life was going on around me, and I felt at a complete standstill. I swear the only thing that kept me going was my family and friends because I didn't want to disappoint them. I think that sheer will to make something better of myself kept me going.

 

Typing this, I can't even believe I felt so low. I've come a long way thank goodness.

[Zapbasket]

Like BC said, you will never be able to fully move on if you don't go 100% NC!!! Which is weird, as you describe the immense hurt you feel whenever you see him or his truck. Why wouldn't you just cut all of him out as much as possible??

 

I guess my [albeit pain-tinged, fear-driven] thinking has been: better to have to encounter unpleasant facts from the privacy of my home, in front of the internet, than to be out and about and have some piece of unpleasant news mashed in my face.

 

What if, for example, I had no idea he was dating? My fantasies would lead me to imagine that he is thinking about our relationship, missing me, thinking about his role in its demise, and gearing up to contact me. It would therefore be that much more of a gut-wrenching dip when I saw him and a new girlfriend out at brunch. At least this way, though I dread the day, I know it is more than likely.

 

Am I thinking about this the wrong way? When I say we live in a small town, and close by one another, I mean it's SMALL.