Fear I am not progressing well in coping, 2

[BC1980]

 

So in sum, all this spying served to take him off this pedestal that I then used to flagellate myself. I have to keep working at not flagellating myself, regardless; that's my big downfall across the board. But now I see that he was not and is not what and who I believed him to be. He has acted so much LESS than I gave him credit for. Meanwhile, all the while during the relationship he was showing me where he was emotionally and in terms of his maturity for a healthy relationship. I just did not listen and that's what I'm trying to figure out in therapy: why I didn't see it. Why I gave him credit at the expense of my own well being.

 

So if he's no longer on the pedestal and he's as bad as you say he is, why do you still follow his social media?

[BC1980]

You must be a stronger person than me, BC1980. I just cannot wrap my head around walking away with no answers. How did you ever come to accept that? Was it a matter of pride put aside? Or just trying to distract yourself with building a future where the lack of answers wouldn't hurt so much?

 

ANOTHER long post. Sorry:bunny:

 

Because I realized that the answers were in me. After going through most of the grief, therapy, talking with friends, journaling, ect., I have all the answers I need about myself. I don't have many answers about him, but that's not my concern. I know exactly how I acted in the relationship, so I can get those answers. Chasing after his answers. . . . well, that's a chase you will never win.

[BC1980]

As far as the mom and sister, I'm sure they would not hold it against you if you took some time away form them for now. I'm sure they would understand if that is your worry. In fact, you must grieve the loss of them too, and it's really not a total loss of them but more of the loss of what they were supposed to be to you. You can grieve them as in-laws, and I hope that you do that. It's a loss too.

[Minneloa]

I'm sorry you're struggling and hurting, GC. Try not to compound it by beating yourself up about not going full NC. I think it would be very beneficial for you, and I think it would particularly help the unanswered questions diminish in importance, but I understand that you need to have your own process and arrive at your own conclusions.

 

Sending good thoughts,

 

M.

[Zapbasket]

So if he's no longer on the pedestal and he's as bad as you say he is, why do you still follow his social media?

 

Good question! I think this is where my codependency reveals itself. It's really hard to quash this belief that all his withholding and negativity in the relationship is due to me not being good enough in some way. Intellectually I know this thinking is skewed, but emotionally it's like some creepy succubus, some kind of sinister vampire starfish latched onto some primal part of my mind. When I beat myself up over the relationship's failure, back he goes up on the pedestal.

 

I follow his social media, then, to convince myself of my own worthiness, or something like that. Sick. Ugh.

[Zapbasket]

Because I realized that the answers were in me. After going through most of the grief, therapy, talking with friends, journaling, ect., I have all the answers I need about myself. I don't have many answers about him, but that's not my concern. I know exactly how I acted in the relationship, so I can get those answers. Chasing after his answers. . . . well, that's a chase you will never win.

 

Argh. Again: intellectually, I totally get it; emotionally, I don't. Do you not harbor ANY curiosity about your ex?

 

No judgment here. I am just comparing notes. I admit I have a strong curiosity about people and regularly Google acquaintances and colleagues, just for kicks with people to whom I'm not close enough to be privy to their inner workings. (I don't do this with friends, for example, or while I'm in a relationship with someone.) It's a feeling like wanting to know the end of the story.

 

But what you're saying is: the end of the story that's worth following is MY story. Right? How did you pull the focus back onto yourself? Once you went complete NC, I mean. How did the questions about his motivations and actions lessen and then cease? What was the answer you found within you, if you don't mind sharing?

[Zapbasket]

I'm sorry you're struggling and hurting, GC. Try not to compound it by beating yourself up about not going full NC. I think it would be very beneficial for you, and I think it would particularly help the unanswered questions diminish in importance, but I understand that you need to have your own process and arrive at your own conclusions.

 

Sending good thoughts,

 

M.

 

Thank you, Minneloa. As a fellow analyzer, how did you shut off the "need" to find answers? Meaning, once you shut off the "supply" via NC, how did you override that need?

 

Maybe it just boils down to a matter of time? Meaning, as you work through the questions and confusion over time, eventually you don't need all the answers?

[BC1980]

Argh. Again: intellectually, I totally get it; emotionally, I don't. Do you not harbor ANY curiosity about your ex?

 

No judgment here. I am just comparing notes. I admit I have a strong curiosity about people and regularly Google acquaintances and colleagues, just for kicks with people to whom I'm not close enough to be privy to their inner workings. (I don't do this with friends, for example, or while I'm in a relationship with someone.) It's a feeling like wanting to know the end of the story.

 

But what you're saying is: the end of the story that's worth following is MY story. Right? How did you pull the focus back onto yourself? Once you went complete NC, I mean. How did the questions about his motivations and actions lessen and then cease? What was the answer you found within you, if you don't mind sharing?

 

Sure, there is some curiosity if I let myself go down that road, and I'm an over analyzed too. Always wanting to know WHY beyond a shadow of a doubt. At first, it was just dogged determination not to think about him. Sheer will. I turned my analysis inward. After awhile, it just becomes fruitless to keep chasing answers to someone else. Always turn inward, and focus on yourself.

 

The great thing about NC is that it actually makes you care less after time. Your ex and his reasons are just no longer relavant to you anymore. It's normal to search for answers, but you have to cut it off at some point.

 

The answers I found were mainly about my history of actions with men and feelings of low self worth. It's nice now because I've gotten to a point of putting what I discovered into practice.

[Minneloa]

Thank you, Minneloa. As a fellow analyzer, how did you shut off the "need" to find answers? Meaning, once you shut off the "supply" via NC, how did you override that need?

 

Maybe it just boils down to a matter of time? Meaning, as you work through the questions and confusion over time, eventually you don't need all the answers?

 

I talked things over with my family, friends, and therapist at length, and eventually I put together a narrative of the relationship and its demise that, if not 100% satisfying, made sense to me and seemed reasonable. Don't get me wrong: I still have some lingering questions. But at this point (a year out from the breakup) I have learned to divert my thoughts when they arise by saying something to myself like "that doesn't matter anymore" or "maybe I will have clarity about that in the future" and/or by immersing myself in an activity that distracts me.

 

I will say that I did not immediately remove my ex from my social media. It wasn't until I saw something that hurt my feelings on FB a few months after the breakup that I realized I couldn't handle maintaining that connection and that I had kept it because I still had hope. It was difficult to delete him, because it was a confirmation that the relationship was over and that we we no longer part of each other's lives. But it was a relief to insulate myself from information about his life, which was now moving forward without me.

 

A few months ago, I found my ex on another site that I had recently started using and caved to the impulse to snoop a bit, but all it did was reactivate my hurt feelings and questions. So now I stay away, reminding myself that no good can come of it and that random bits of information from social media are useless to me. I know enough, and my ex is gone either way.

 

M.

[Zapbasket]

Sure, there is some curiosity if I let myself go down that road, and I'm an over analyzed too. Always wanting to know WHY beyond a shadow of a doubt. At first, it was just dogged determination not to think about him. Sheer will. I turned my analysis inward. After awhile, it just becomes fruitless to keep chasing answers to someone else. Always turn inward, and focus on yourself.

 

My best friend says to me, "You are seeking answers to the deepest things, which you will never find by holding on." It's beautifully put and I know she, and you, are right.

 

Today, I blocked my ex from my future FB posts. I know it's not a full blocking, but it's something. A start. That way at least I can post without wondering whether he'll think this or that. I couldn't bring myself though to block his mom and sister.

 

That's some amazing will. My thoughts about my ex seize me like cling-ons...no, like toilet plungers. That's more apt. If only the thoughts were sure to unclog the sh--! How did you muster that will?

 

The great thing about NC is that it actually makes you care less after time. (Your ex and his reasons are just no longer relavant to you anymore.

 

Do you think that will be true even in my situation, where I inevitably see my ex around (so far just in our vehicles, but I know a direct encounter will happen at some point)?

[Zapbasket]

 

I will say that I did not immediately remove my ex from my social media. It wasn't until I saw something that hurt my feelings on FB a few months after the breakup that I realized I couldn't handle maintaining that connection and that I had kept it because I still had hope. It was difficult to delete him, because it was a confirmation that the relationship was over and that we we no longer part of each other's lives. But it was a relief to insulate myself from information about his life, which was now moving forward without me.

 

What did you find on FB? Did he post photos with a new girlfriend? If so, I think that's terribly gauche if the person hasn't checked in with you post-break-up to ensure there are no lingering feelings.

[Minneloa]

What did you find on FB? Did he post photos with a new girlfriend? If so, I think that's terribly gauche if the person hasn't checked in with you post-break-up to ensure there are no lingering feelings.

 

Nothing that blatant, just some interactions that I took as evidence that he had moved on. Which is part of the problem with social media evidence--it's all smoke and mirrors, open to interpretation.

[lauri]

Nothing that blatant, just some interactions that I took as evidence that he had moved on. Which is part of the problem with social media evidence--it's all smoke and mirrors, open to interpretation.

 

Facebook and social media are such bs when it comes to how a person is really feeling. You are right to say that is all smoke and mirrors - my ex put up this whole front that she is "happy" but in reality she was hurting really bad by what happened between us. She regretted her decision about what she did to me but in the end it means nothing...bc she didn't want to be with me.

 

All I am going to say is you did the right thing by removing him and moving in the right direction. Do not waste your time and energy on someone who does not want to be with you.

[Zapbasket]

Since all the breakups of my serious, long-term relationships occurred in the age of social media, I can only imagine what it must have been like when the only information you could get about a person was through mutual friends/colleagues, the newspaper, the phone book--and, for those so inclined, true stalking of the creepiest, restraining-order-worthy kind. Did it make breakups "easier"?

 

And correspondingly, did it make reconciliations "easier" because you had to work that much harder to make contact, and that helped vanquish ambivalence?

 

I'm starting to realize what might be missing here, for me. I've said that all the keeping tabs over these past 9 months has helped me see my ex's true character, maturity levels, integrity and self-awareness. But the reason I'm still looking for validation of what I already know and knew while in the relationship with him is because I do not trust my own perceptions. I won't/can't set that firm boundary that says, "X behavior is not acceptable to me," and then ACT on that fact. I keep making allowances because I'm afraid of alienating myself from others by upholding high standards.

 

I have said that by the end of summer, my goal is to have truly "broken up with" my ex in my mind. Meaning, where I own my judgment of his behavior both in the relationship and after it and feel confident in the decision that because of that consistent behavior and what it says about his character and ability to be a partner in an intimate relationship, he is not someone I'd want to date, or have in my life in any way.

[BC1980]

You hit on something true. We actually do have evidence of our exes unacceptable behavior because we were there. We just don't want to see it. We had the proof while in the relationship, but we kept making excuses. My ex's behavior was always very consistent, but I kept hanging onto the good, as if it negated the really bad.

[Zapbasket]

You hit on something true. We actually do have evidence of our exes unacceptable behavior because we were there. We just don't want to see it. We had the proof while in the relationship, but we kept making excuses. My ex's behavior was always very consistent, but I kept hanging onto the good, as if it negated the really bad.

 

Yes. The past several weeks I've been a wreck with the thought that my ex will meet some awesome girl on that dating site, and treat her so much better. My mom and best friend are willing to lay down big $$$ that his behavior won't be any different, and I think I'm beginning to see why: I WAS that awesome girl, four years ago. I was a pretty, smart, talented stranger and this is how he treated me. So that's ALL ON HIM.

 

Just fyi, I'm going to be out of town over the weekend starting this evening, so I may not get to visit LS as much as I have been. I think the conversation in this thread is really great and I hate to lose the momentum. So just know that if you post something, I may not get to it straight away but I will when I'm back.

 

Thanks for the great perspective and support. I think, despite falling into a genuine depression these past few weeks, these conversations on LS have really begun to help. I still have a lot of work to do, but I do believe I am plodding onward.

 

((hugs))

[elseaacych]

GC: You are using the R-word. That suggests that to some extent you still want a reconciliation with your ex. Your keeping of tabs on your ex also still suggests the same. Means and methods of reconciliation should not be relevant to you at the moment because you are not doing it. Don't worry about cutting off your ex. If they want to find you, they will be able to, trust me.

 

Here's what I learned after cutting off my ex on social media: by cutting off the stream of information about the "now", which really doesn't matter, you can focus on the red flags in your relationship where you went wrong (important for your own development so you don't do it with another partner), and where they really went wrong. My experience here is that I waited until mid April to cut off my ex, and we'd broken up five months prior. (Not coincidentally, that's when I was finally able to start the long slow climb out of my depression, because I felt some control.) What's important here is that because I cut off the new information, I was able to focus on the old, and piece together what exactly happened when we were together and make some good inferences toward why things happened the way they did. (SPOILER ALERT: He got interested in someone else, and was having an emotional affair, if not straight up cheating.) You would likely be able to do the same as well if you cut your ex off, because you are essentially cutting off irrelevant information and "noise". From this, you will get some form of closure.

 

Also, regarding your standards: Trust them. Trust your instincts. If you doubt your standards, ask your shrink about them. You may find out that they're not unreasonable. Another good baseline question is if you would be willing to be held to that standard yourself. Do not hold people to higher standards than you would hold yourself to.

 

Hope this helps.

[elseaacych]

Yes. The past several weeks I've been a wreck with the thought that my ex will meet some awesome girl on that dating site, and treat her so much better. My mom and best friend are willing to lay down big $$$ that his behavior won't be any different, and I think I'm beginning to see why: I WAS that awesome girl, four years ago. I was a pretty, smart, talented stranger and this is how he treated me. So that's ALL ON HIM.

 

Just fyi, I'm going to be out of town over the weekend starting this evening, so I may not get to visit LS as much as I have been. I think the conversation in this thread is really great and I hate to lose the momentum. So just know that if you post something, I may not get to it straight away but I will when I'm back.

 

Thanks for the great perspective and support. I think, despite falling into a genuine depression these past few weeks, these conversations on LS have really begun to help. I still have a lot of work to do, but I do believe I am plodding onward.

 

((hugs))

 

I saw this after I made my first post, so I feel like I have to respond. For a very long time, I was distraught because I felt like my ex had "won", because he found this new girl "so soon" after the breakup and was already in another serious relationship. (But he hadn't found her so soon.) But I know that he hasn't "won", because he already lined someone else up to jump to so he doesn't have to deal with his feelings or his failures as a human being, because I know he was pulling the same stupid stunts that he pulled with me. If he hasn't taken the time to learn what he did wrong, he will likely do it again to someone else, much like I think your ex is doing.

 

And yes, your ex may find someone who is "perfect" for him, but remember at one point, you were "perfect for him" too. Nothing about you has changed so significantly since you first met him. You are probably still have all of the qualities that made him fall in love with you. The only thing different is that you know he's an idiot. This is a very good thing for you, because you know that you alone are enough for someone to fall in love with, and you should not feel the need to compete for the attention of some boy who has rejected you. This new person should not threaten you, because deep down you know she's going to be put through all the same sh-t, and you should hope that either she's dumb enough to put up with it, so as to keep him out of your hair while you move on, or smart enough to dump him so he can feel hurt like you did. (But then you run the risk of him trying to worm his way back into your life. You do not want that. See: standards.) Thus, because any behavior of this new girlfriend benefits you, you shouldn't worry about it. But, back to the important person: you. You have qualities that are amazing and have caused people to fall in love with you. You should not judge your desirability based on whether your ex has moved on to a new person or not, or if you are having trouble "moving on". It is not a failure of yours that he is an idiot.

 

And you shouldn't worry about him and how he treats people, or his mental health because he cut you out of his life. HE IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM ANYMORE. HE HAS DECIDED THAT HE DOESN'T WANT YOU TO LOVE HIM, OR HANDLE HIS BULLSH-T. Rejoice in that. Take care of you. You matter. He doesn't because he was stupid enough to reject you. You may be the best one to handle his bull****, but you don't need to waste your energy on someone who will not appreciate you. You don't deserve that. Ever.

 

To love is to be vulnerable. To learn to love again, yourself and others after being hurt is to be resilient and strong. You have to want to be that, though, and work at it. It's a lot to work for, and you can't beat yourself up, because you aren't moving along as fast as you like. Trust the process. You are learning so much about yourself. Just remember that you are enough.

 

I hope this all makes sense, and I am sorry for the long post. I am working my way through the same crap, same feelings. Somewhat same experience. See my home thread if you're interested in my story. You'd probably like it because we think very similarly. Anyway, I hope this helps you. I'll keep dropping in to offer my thoughts.

Edited May 22, 2014 by elseaacych

[FredJones80]

make some good inferences toward why things happened the way they did. (SPOILER ALERT: He got interested in someone else, and was having an emotional affair, if not straight up cheating.)

 

How did he end it if that was the case... just out of interest.

[Zapbasket]

I saw this after I made my first post, so I feel like I have to respond. For a very long time, I was distraught because I felt like my ex had "won", because he found this new girl "so soon" after the breakup and was already in another serious relationship. (But he hadn't found her so soon.) But I know that he hasn't "won", because he already lined someone else up to jump to so he doesn't have to deal with his feelings or his failures as a human being, because I know he was pulling the same stupid stunts that he pulled with me. If he hasn't taken the time to learn what he did wrong, he will likely do it again to someone else, much like I think your ex is doing.

 

And yes, your ex may find someone who is "perfect" for him, but remember at one point, you were "perfect for him" too. Nothing about you has changed so significantly since you first met him. You are probably still have all of the qualities that made him fall in love with you. The only thing different is that you know he's an idiot. This is a very good thing for you, because you know that you alone are enough for someone to fall in love with, and you should not feel the need to compete for the attention of some boy who has rejected you. This new person should not threaten you, because deep down you know she's going to be put through all the same sh-t, and you should hope that either she's dumb enough to put up with it, so as to keep him out of your hair while you move on, or smart enough to dump him so he can feel hurt like you did. (But then you run the risk of him trying to worm his way back into your life. You do not want that. See: standards.) Thus, because any behavior of this new girlfriend benefits you, you shouldn't worry about it. But, back to the important person: you. You have qualities that are amazing and have caused people to fall in love with you. You should not judge your desirability based on whether your ex has moved on to a new person or not, or if you are having trouble "moving on". It is not a failure of yours that he is an idiot.

 

And you shouldn't worry about him and how he treats people, or his mental health because he cut you out of his life. HE IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM ANYMORE. HE HAS DECIDED THAT HE DOESN'T WANT YOU TO LOVE HIM, OR HANDLE HIS BULLSH-T. Rejoice in that. Take care of you. You matter. He doesn't because he was stupid enough to reject you. You may be the best one to handle his bull****, but you don't need to waste your energy on someone who will not appreciate you. You don't deserve that. Ever.

 

To love is to be vulnerable. To learn to love again, yourself and others after being hurt is to be resilient and strong. You have to want to be that, though, and work at it. It's a lot to work for, and you can't beat yourself up, because you aren't moving along as fast as you like. Trust the process. You are learning so much about yourself. Just remember that you are enough.

 

I hope this all makes sense, and I am sorry for the long post. I am working my way through the same crap, same feelings. Somewhat same experience. See my home thread if you're interested in my story. You'd probably like it because we think very similarly. Anyway, I hope this helps you. I'll keep dropping in to offer my thoughts.

 

Omg, this is awesome. I want to respond in more depth but I have to catch a plane! I will try to respond more in the next day or two, but if not, I will read your story and respond to these great things you say here early next week. Just for now know your post made me feel really good...because deep down I KNOW it is the truth. For you, for me, for us all who found out that the people we loved are so much less than we gave them credit for, not, mind you, because they broke up with us, but because of all the bad behavior that they never bothered to examine, in the relationship or out of it.

[BC1980]

Yes. The past several weeks I've been a wreck with the thought that my ex will meet some awesome girl on that dating site, and treat her so much better. My mom and best friend are willing to lay down big $$$ that his behavior won't be any different, and I think I'm beginning to see why: I WAS that awesome girl, four years ago. I was a pretty, smart, talented stranger and this is how he treated me. So that's ALL ON HIM.

 

I think it's important to get to the point where you don't care as much anymore. We're human, and we will probably all care on some level. If I found out my ex was getting married, I don't think I would be happy for him. It would really hurt. However, I've passed the point where I spiral and would use that information to judge myself harshly.

 

For me, NC gave me a chance to have some peace and quiet, so I was able to examine the relationship objectively. I was able to make steps to plan my future without thinking about him. When I was still in LC, it was much harder to make decisions that actually propelled my life forward. Decisions that were mine alone.

 

I've realized that many situations can have the value you ascribe to them. You have a lot more power than you think. It's easy to see your ex on a dating site and start snowballing into all of these scenarios that take away from your future. The better thing to do is to stop looking at social media and put energy into yourself. It is hard to do in the beginning, but it gains momentum as time goes on.

[me85]

"This is a very small town, though, and my ex lives just down the road from me, along with his whole family. So no matter what I do I feel like it's in my face all the time.

 

Just sooo tired of feeling like this."

 

 

I feel the same way! I'm in the same situation myself. But luckily, we NEVER run into each other in our hometown. It's a damn miracle. And don't worry about his friends and family. I'm not at all, because they HAVE NO IDEA who their son really truly was/is in RSs. He's an awful terrible person. Who I know is doing the same things to his new gf. I'm just so happy I'm not his gf anymore. How very foolish of me to want to be the one who puts up with that mess for the rest of my life! Gosh I have been so foolish!

 

Believe me, YOU WILL MOVE ON! YOU WILL GET OVER YOUR EX. I swear it. Just remember what led to the BU. Let those thoughts save you from thinking about the good. It was bad too. Think of ONLY the bad from now on.

You have to kinda get mad about it. You have to be kinda hard on yourself and tell yourself you're nuts for missing someone who ever hurt you the way he did... WITH NO REMORSE. WITH NO REMORSE. WITH NO REMORSE. HE DOES NOT CARE. HE DOES NOT CARE. THEY DO NOT CARE!!!!!!!

 

Please please please try to get a little angry about it instead. You are deep inside, you're just more lonely and heartbroken but those feelings of anger are there somewhere...USE THEM! Let them be your guide to fight your way out of sad feelings of hopelessness. It really helps.

 

I'm not saying carry around that anger everywhere and just be mad in general at everything. LOL No, be happy out in the world, do stuff, go places...but EVERYTIME you start feeling down about your ex think of a time when he really hurt you or said something cruel to you, instead.

[FredJones80]

stop looking at social media

 

**** social media, it's the bane of human life and relationships

[me85]

I saw this after I made my first post, so I feel like I have to respond. For a very long time, I was distraught because I felt like my ex had "won", because he found this new girl "so soon" after the breakup and was already in another serious relationship. (But he hadn't found her so soon.) But I know that he hasn't "won", because he already lined someone else up to jump to so he doesn't have to deal with his feelings or his failures as a human being, because I know he was pulling the same stupid stunts that he pulled with me. If he hasn't taken the time to learn what he did wrong, he will likely do it again to someone else, much like I think your ex is doing.

 

And yes, your ex may find someone who is "perfect" for him, but remember at one point, you were "perfect for him" too. Nothing about you has changed so significantly since you first met him. You are probably still have all of the qualities that made him fall in love with you. The only thing different is that you know he's an idiot. This is a very good thing for you, because you know that you alone are enough for someone to fall in love with, and you should not feel the need to compete for the attention of some boy who has rejected you. This new person should not threaten you, because deep down you know she's going to be put through all the same sh-t, and you should hope that either she's dumb enough to put up with it, so as to keep him out of your hair while you move on, or smart enough to dump him so he can feel hurt like you did. (But then you run the risk of him trying to worm his way back into your life. You do not want that. See: standards.) Thus, because any behavior of this new girlfriend benefits you, you shouldn't worry about it. But, back to the important person: you. You have qualities that are amazing and have caused people to fall in love with you. You should not judge your desirability based on whether your ex has moved on to a new person or not, or if you are having trouble "moving on". It is not a failure of yours that he is an idiot.

 

And you shouldn't worry about him and how he treats people, or his mental health because he cut you out of his life. HE IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM ANYMORE. HE HAS DECIDED THAT HE DOESN'T WANT YOU TO LOVE HIM, OR HANDLE HIS BULLSH-T. Rejoice in that. Take care of you. You matter. He doesn't because he was stupid enough to reject you. You may be the best one to handle his bull****, but you don't need to waste your energy on someone who will not appreciate you. You don't deserve that. Ever.

 

To love is to be vulnerable. To learn to love again, yourself and others after being hurt is to be resilient and strong. You have to want to be that, though, and work at it. It's a lot to work for, and you can't beat yourself up, because you aren't moving along as fast as you like. Trust the process. You are learning so much about yourself. Just remember that you are enough.

 

I hope this all makes sense, and I am sorry for the long post. I am working my way through the same crap, same feelings. Somewhat same experience. See my home thread if you're interested in my story. You'd probably like it because we think very similarly. Anyway, I hope this helps you. I'll keep dropping in to offer my thoughts.

 

 

 

Oh my goodness! I love this post. Yes, yes, yes!!! My ego has been far more hurt than anything really. It's our pride. I felt like it was SO UNFAIR that my ex had found someone "better" and moved on so soon. That he "won."

 

Now, I know better. Because if he was really happy with her he wouldn't still be contacting me. And I know they fight too.

 

So I KNOW the post above^^^is 100% factual. My ex moved on (that I know about) in less than one week!

He's insecure as hell and cannot be alone. He didn't really "move on" at all! LOL He just covered up.

[BC1980]

Oh my goodness! I love this post. Yes, yes, yes!!! My ego has been far more hurt than anything really. It's our pride. I felt like it was SO UNFAIR that my ex had found someone "better" and moved on so soon. That he "won."

 

Now, I know better. Because if he was really happy with her he wouldn't still be contacting me. And I know they fight too.

 

So I KNOW the post above^^^is 100% factual. My ex moved on (that I know about) in less than one week!

He's insecure as hell and cannot be alone. He didn't really "move on" at all! LOL He just covered up.

 

It's harder to get over someone who treated you poorly because you start to have twisted logic. You think, if I couldn't even get this person to stay with me, who will? This person treated me poorly, and he dumped me. Shouldn't it be the other way around? So you start judging yourself harshly, thinking you must also be awful because you stuck around.

 

It's also difficult because, if you were like me, you tried to make your ex better. You had a false belief that if only I were good enough, my ex wouldn't have treated me like this. It must be because I wasn't good enough to help him/make him mend his ways. I've often found myself grieving what I thought the relationship had the potential to be rather than the man I actually was with. At some point, I started to at least grieve him for who he was and not who I thought he could have been.

 

What I came to realize is that I was the one who signed up for the shyte treatment. I was the one who said I deserved this type of treatment. It wasn't that I was an awful person who was less than him. That really has nothing to do with it. It's more about saying that I am not an extension of this person's behavior, and I can make my own choices. By cutting off contact, it was my way of saying that I didn't need any validation from this person, and his choices did not reflect anything about me. I had no way of knowing about him, so, if he had moved on or not, it wasn't related to me anymore. I removed the temptation to judge myself on how he acted after the breakup, which was key. Remove the temptation until you can deal with it.