Fear I am not progressing well in coping, 2

[BC1980]

**** social media, it's the bane of human life and relationships

 

Social media is maybe 25% true. It's all a way to project a persona or a lifestyle.

[FredJones80]

Social media is maybe 25% true. It's all a way to project a persona or a lifestyle.

 

Yep, some people buy in to it though.

 

I guess social media causes a lot of GIG instances... look at his/her life, why don't I have that life... etc.

[mtnbiker3000]

^^^ Don't forget how much temptation floats around FB. An old fling from high school. An old ex from years ago. A cute friend of a friend...

 

It's a cesspool for the weak!!!

[elseaacych]

Wow. I am glad my last little rant helped you all out. One of the things I have had the hardest time coming to terms with out of my break up is thinking that everything was my fault, and that I had qualities that made me unlovable. This is not true. As dumpees, it is important to acknowledge our hand in the end of the relationship, and where we could do better, but we also need to remember that we can't control our exes, or understand them. We cannot blame ourselves for their (probably bad) decisions. We can't blame ourselves for "not doing enough" to maintain the relationship, if we really tried to make it work. We also need to understand that we have many good qualities that do make us lovable. We are good enough. We have not failed because our relationships ended. All relationships end at some point, either through death or a break up. We have not failed because our exes moved on before we did. We have not failed because we still love them, or because we have a hard time moving on.

 

We are imperfect human beings. All of us. All we can do is try our best, and act with only good intentions in nurturing relationships. We can't be too hard on ourselves if we fail. That being said, we also need to be strong enough to care for ourselves enough to move on afterwards. What is done is done. We are good enough to be loved. We are good enough to find someone else to love. We've done it before, we can do it again.

 

Also, please re-read BC1980's post at the bottom of page 5 again! It really hits the nail on the head for how we need to think!

 

And Fred:

How did he end it if that was the case... just out of interest.

 

Long story short. He did something dumb to screw up our ability to be intimate. Around the same time, he found someone who he was interested in. (I didn't know this at the time.) He decided to divest himself from the relationship and stop putting in any effort to have anything to do with me. I could sense something was wrong, but I was dealing with my own issues at the time. Then, he started picking fights after I told him we needed to work on things to be better for each other. Then he dumped me after my last final. Yeah. He's a real keeper. 3 years of a stellar relationship, two months of a so-so relationship, (no complaints), and then everything fell apart in a little over a month.

Edited May 22, 2014 by elseaacych

[mtnbiker3000]

I've often found myself grieving what I thought the relationship had the potential to be rather than the person I actually was with. At some point, I started to at least grieve them for who they were and not who I thought they could have been.

 

This is a powerful statement and so true!!!

 

Again, I wish we had a sub-forum (maybe called 'Recovery' )to discuss these types of discoveries and realizations. IMO - This is what leads to true healing and recovery!!

[BC1980]

This is a powerful statement and so true!!!

 

Again, I wish we had a sub-forum (maybe called 'Recovery' )to discuss these types of discoveries and realizations. IMO - This is what leads to true healing and recovery!!

 

When I look back, there is a consistent theme of being undervalued by my ex. Like emotions, opinions, needs, and wants were all minimized by him. If I was upset by something, he thought it wasn't worthy to get upset about. I once herniated a disk in my back, and he thought I overreacted by going to the doctor. Anyway, I'm making the point that he actually showed me who he was, but I refused to believe it. In my heart, I knew I didn't like the treatment, but I persisted in seeing only the good. I sold myself on the idea that he was someone he wasn't. Of course, he had his good qualities, but I refused to see the truly unacceptable stuff he did.

 

Part of why it was so difficult to move on was because I was also in the process of coming to terms with who he actually was and what the relationship actually was.

[mtnbiker3000]

Possibly, you were also afraid of the idea of being alone or doing worse in a RS...

 

I saw the many red flags in my RS, but chose to ignore / minimize them as I didn't want to be single or deal with dating again. And I was sure I couldn't find anyone as 'good' as her. And in the end, she left me, probably due to the fact that I just put up with so much and never put my foot down. She lost respect for me, and that was it!!!

[sunshinegirl]

GC,

I've been away from LS from a long time but so glad to see you're continuing to process things. What wonderful inputs you've gotten on this thread!

 

To pile onto the NC bandwagon, I wanted to share one thing that going No Contact with my 2008 ex helped me to do. Basically, as others have said, I was eventually able to focus on ME instead of obsessing (as much) about the ex. I tried to step back to reflect on the patterns in my relationships, and as a way of summarizing them, I wrote the following relationship "want ad":

 

"Are you a fundamentally selfish man who has trouble empathizing with others? Have you experienced some childhood trauma that has rendered you unable to feel deeply, open yourself to others, and communicate? Perfect - let’s get together! You’ll have a great time – I will give you my time, effort, love, gifts, body, and attention (almost without limit) and you can give me little in return. You won’t have to give me any explicit indication of your feelings for me, be vulnerable with me, work to deepen our relationship, or tell me whether you see a future together. You can give me few or no gifts, after the first month or two you won’t have to plan any special or romantic dates with me, and certainly don’t worry about complimenting me regularly or giving me flowers! I will pride myself on being so low-maintenance as to not need such silly affectionate gestures. I will, in fact, take responsibility for many of those things, spending money and effort making our relationship special for you, hoping of course that my love and generosity will heal your past hurts and unlock your heart so that you will finally appreciate me and start doing all those affectionate things for me. No matter how callous or uncaring your behavior may become, my idealism and optimism will still have me thinking the best of you and making excuses for you to friends and family. I will put up with you for months, or even years, until you unceremoniously dump me (possibly after having cheated on me!). And when that happens, I will blame myself for us not working out. It’s a no-risk proposition for you – what are you waiting for?"

 

Writing the above snapped me to full attention. Holy hell! I really was the architect of my own misery! As much as I kvetched over my 2008 ex's deficiencies (and they were legion) they were actually irrelevant to the more important story: MINE. The 2008 ex was only one of several guys who fit that mold, and the question shifted from "What's wrong with 2008 ex? Why didn't it work?" to "Why do I keep doing this to myself?!"

 

That marked an important turning point in my healing, and my ability to focus on me instead of him.

 

Sending big hugs as you continue walking your path. It may feel like you're stuck, but I see differences (progress!) in how you talk about the relationship now compared to when the breakup was fresh.

[Sophia1213]

GC,

I've been away from LS from a long time but so glad to see you're continuing to process things. What wonderful inputs you've gotten on this thread!

 

To pile onto the NC bandwagon, I wanted to share one thing that going No Contact with my 2008 ex helped me to do. Basically, as others have said, I was eventually able to focus on ME instead of obsessing (as much) about the ex. I tried to step back to reflect on the patterns in my relationships, and as a way of summarizing them, I wrote the following relationship "want ad":

 

 

 

Writing the above snapped me to full attention. Holy hell! I really was the architect of my own misery! As much as I kvetched over my 2008 ex's deficiencies (and they were legion) they were actually irrelevant to the more important story: MINE. The 2008 ex was only one of several guys who fit that mold, and the question shifted from "What's wrong with 2008 ex? Why didn't it work?" to "Why do I keep doing this to myself?!"

 

That marked an important turning point in my healing, and my ability to focus on me instead of him.

 

Sending big hugs as you continue walking your path. It may feel like you're stuck, but I see differences (progress!) in how you talk about the relationship now compared to when the breakup was fresh.

omg this is amazing....

thank you for writing that

 

except i did leave and now i am regretting and thinking if i just held on a little longer he would treat me differently...hoping he would miss me and realize what he lost

 

Its been 2.5 weeks and i haven't heard a peep from him just some snap chat pics of his day..................

 

I will read what you wrote over and over again

[Zapbasket]

GC,

I've been away from LS from a long time but so glad to see you're continuing to process things. What wonderful inputs you've gotten on this thread!

 

To pile onto the NC bandwagon, I wanted to share one thing that going No Contact with my 2008 ex helped me to do. Basically, as others have said, I was eventually able to focus on ME instead of obsessing (as much) about the ex. I tried to step back to reflect on the patterns in my relationships, and as a way of summarizing them, I wrote the following relationship "want ad":

 

SSG, my friend! :bunny: So great to come on here and see (read) you. What a fantastic idea to create a relationship want ad that's true to your real experience. I especially love to read yours because I know that that whole dynamic no longer is your reality and you evolved into a truer version of you, who could accept and thrive within a healthy relationship. I think this is what all of us hope and aim for, who have found ourselves in a years-long misery-ribbon of unhealthy or even toxic relationships.

 

I read yours, and for a moment I thought of writing one of my own, but then I thought, "Nah, SSG's sounds so much like my experience that I feel like I could have written hers myself." But then I decided to challenge myself to be as specific to MY experience in my previous three relationships as possible. It's in another post, and MAN is it disturbing. Holy crap. You are right in what you say: it really holds the mirror up to ME. I am pretty freaked out by what I think I see, and the whole thing is so illogical it's hard to believe I haven't been on drugs or something the past 10 years.

 

Sending big hugs as you continue walking your path. It may feel like you're stuck, but I see differences (progress!) in how you talk about the relationship now compared to when the breakup was fresh.

 

Thanks, SSG ((hugs)). This is the hardest path I've walked, and I have a long way still to go. The impulse to move, to run in any way possible, has been overwhelming, but I have pledged not to budge until my mind is clearer and the need to move arises organically out of considerations of what will move my life forward, rather than in reaction to unspeakable hurt and painful self-discovery. I admit, I take a lot of heart in knowing that you walked your own version of this path several years ago and came out much the stronger for it. I know your changes are legit, because you exude it in every communication; truly you are one of few people I have been able to witness achieve true, deep change. It's pretty amazing and inspiring!!!

[Zapbasket]

Inspired by Sunshinegirl's relationship want ad a few posts above, where she detailed for an imaginary male audience her actual role in relationships with the men she actually chose in order to get a picture of the relationship dynamics she was settling for, I decided to write a want ad of my own. I think it would be fun if anyone reading this thread posted one, as well. On mine, I invite any thoughts that came to mind as you read. I found it pretty disturbing in that it just reveals how irrational and futile it is to bank a relationship on someone else's desire to change in a particular way. Yikes.

 

Okay, here goes!

 

Are you closed off emotionally, outwardly “easygoing” but inwardly highly insecure and rigid? Are you passive in your romantic relationships yet tending to feel sorry for yourself and blame others and outward circumstances when things don’t serve your convenience? Do you get involved with women whom you admire, yet your insecurities drive you to find fault so that you can have the “upper hand”? Do you feel entitled to and seek the company of an intelligent, passionate, caring woman who respects herself and yet resent being challenged or crossed in any way? Do you find introspection useless and communication about emotional matters too tedious to bother with? When communication goes awry in your relationships, do you always feel convinced the other person is at fault?

 

If so, hooray for us both, because evidently you are my be all, end all of men and we will get along splendidly! Well, at first, that is. I will be curious about you and invite you to tell me about your life, your hopes and ambitions, your passions and your past. You will find in me a compassionate and avid listener who asks thoughtful questions, delights in getting to know your quirks, joys and pains, and remembers what you tell me. I will encourage and support you, and share my life and inner thoughts with you, even if you don’t ask, because I want to build intimacy with you. You don’t have to tell me much, so don’t worry if you’re unaccustomed to sharing your inner life; I will accept any and all crumbs! I will be open to doing anything with you as I love to be active as much as I love good conversation. I love to try new things—a new sport, a new kind of music or art, a new part of the globe, a new sexual position. I am physically affectionate; I love to kiss, hold hands and cuddle but will rein it in if you need to physically seal yourself off.

 

Basically, you don’t have to do much of anything. You can shut down at random moments and I’ll pick up the slack every time. If your inner world of unarticulated archaic wounds causes you to “check out” at odd moments, becoming silent, broody, moody or even irritable, I’ll be cool with it.

 

Until I’m not. Because while I try to be as accommodating as I possibly can in the beginning and even well beyond, I do get sad and frustrated when the relationship feels like pressing my ear to an empty conch shell. And I will challenge you, encouraging you to open up, trying to inspire you out of your closed-off-ness with my energy and optimism and listening skills. If you take the challenge, you may love what opens up for you, or you may not: I just ask that you try, that you dare to venture off your well-demarcated comfort zone a bit. I invite you to challenge me for your version of the same, as well, and I pledge to try my very best. If you try and don’t like it, that’s your truth and I won’t stand in your way; it just means we aren’t right for each other.

 

But if you don’t take the challenge, if you don’t at least give it an honest try, then my sadness will turn to hurt, my hurt to frustration, and eventually my frustration to anger and I warn you I can be quite lucid and articulate when I am angry. If you belittle me, dismiss me, completely shut down, or yell at me, I will get angry. Otherwise I’ll struggle to be okay with what’s on offer and to mask my disappointment. The good news? I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU. It’s almost guaranteed that you can have the upper hand of ending the relationship, which you inevitably will once its demands exceed what you are willing to give. And you can even throw all the blame for the relationship’s failure at me and I’ll run with it; you get off guilt free—or at least, I won’t try to guilt you.

 

What do you get out of this arrangement? Loyalty, no matter what. Fidelity, fun, companionship and adventure. And if you take up my challenge to transform into a communicative, self-aware, emotionally present, open-hearted person, together our horizons are amazing. If you refuse to try, you’ll get to be alone again, but on some level, isn’t that how you prefer it--being untouchable?

Edited May 31, 2014 by GreenCove

[Zapbasket]

When I look back, there is a consistent theme of being undervalued by my ex. Like emotions, opinions, needs, and wants were all minimized by him. If I was upset by something, he thought it wasn't worthy to get upset about. I once herniated a disk in my back, and he thought I overreacted by going to the doctor. Anyway, I'm making the point that he actually showed me who he was, but I refused to believe it. In my heart, I knew I didn't like the treatment, but I persisted in seeing only the good. I sold myself on the idea that he was someone he wasn't. Of course, he had his good qualities, but I refused to see the truly unacceptable stuff he did.

 

Part of why it was so difficult to move on was because I was also in the process of coming to terms with who he actually was and what the relationship actually was.

 

Why do we do this? Why do we see blind when we know otherwise? Why do you think you did this and did you do it in previous relationships, too?

 

I'm trying to understand why I would so doggedly ignore my good sense. I'd keep spinning in my mind, saying, "I'm so confused, sooo confused," but deep down I wasn't confused at all; I was seeing the situation 100% CORRECTLY.

 

I still have moments of blindness. I think it is telling that my best friend, who has known me well for over half our lives, KNOWS how much it would mean to me to hear from my ex and yet says, "I hope, GC, that he NEVER contacts you because you are SO MUCH BETTER OFF without him in your life."

 

And I sit in this confusion, sometimes feeling like my ex is very, very troubled in ways that go well beyond just temporary depression, but rather something along the lines of an evil streak that harms both himself and others without him being fully (though I always thought he was at least partly) conscious of it. And sometimes I feel like my ex is basically a nice guy and maybe he'll grow up and learn how to behave better. My gut says otherwise, solidly and consistently. SO WHY IS IT SO HARD TO LISTEN TO WHAT YOU ALREADY KNOW? WHAT DO THOSE OF US WHO DO THIS GET OUT OF IT?

[sunshinegirl]

Why do we do this? Why do we see blind when we know otherwise? Why do you think you did this and did you do it in previous relationships, too?

 

SO WHY IS IT SO HARD TO LISTEN TO WHAT YOU ALREADY KNOW? WHAT DO THOSE OF US WHO DO THIS GET OUT OF IT?

 

Not to sound trite, but this is the exact reason to be in therapy. There's a lot to untangle and grapple with and there aren't simple answers. Well, I suppose I could actually give some simple answers that turned out to be true for me, but simple answers won't satisfy you at this juncture. You have to get in and root around and unearth stuff you've either never thought about, or that you've buried so deep that you haven't seen how it's affected your relationship choices.

[BC1980]

Why do we do this? Why do we see blind when we know otherwise? Why do you think you did this and did you do it in previous relationships, too?

 

I had to go way back, but I realized that since I was a teenager, I have had a belief that I wasn't good enough for someone to want to be in a relationship with me. I think it started with my mom who I felt loved me conditionally. She was hard on me as a kid, and there was always something wrong with me. I felt that I needed to be a certain way to make her love me.

 

Any relationship I've had with a man, I've felt that I should be lucky to even get someone to be with me. It was painful to admit that, but there it was.

[mtnbiker3000]

^^Have you read Toxic Parents?

 

Funny. My childhood was very similar. My family was dysfunctional and full of conflict. I learned very early that I was inadequate, always made mistakes and should be better. No support. No care giving. Really, no loving. This is where I developed low self esteem and feelings of inadequacy and being unlovable.

[BC1980]

^^Have you read Toxic Parents?

 

Funny. My childhood was very similar. My family was dysfunctional and full of conflict. I learned very early that I was inadequate, always made mistakes and should be better. No support. No care giving. Really, no loving. This is where I developed low self esteem and feelings of inadequacy and being unlovable.

 

I actually went through years of therapy where it all came out, and I didn't speak with my mom for a year. We got back on good terms a few years after that, but she has never admitted any fault. For her part, she has changed a good bit towards me, but it's mostly that I refuse to take the crap treatment anymore. It must have changed her a lot when I left and didn't speak to her for so long. I was only 21 at the time too. Just young and naive enough to try to make it on my own.

 

I guess I put the issue to rest with her but transferred it to men.

[mtnbiker3000]

I'm approaching 1 year of no contact with my Dad. He was the major source of criticism, negativity and conflict from early on in my life right through to last summer. He doesn't understand my current position and just thinks I'm being a selfish and ungrateful son. Not sure how to proceed with that mess...

Edited June 2, 2014 by mtnbiker3000

[BC1980]

I'm approaching 1 year of no contact with my Dad. He was the major source of criticism, negativity and conflict from early on in my life right through to last summer. He doesn't understand my current position and just thinks I'm being a selfish and ungrateful son. Not sure how to proceed with that mess...

 

You have to be extremely strong to make it against a parent that is the source of criticism. I'm lucky that my mom changed completely and now respects my boundaries. We actually have a pretty good relationship all things considered. I actually think that we want that we want approval from our parents more than from anyone else in this world.

 

Honestly, for me, I held my ground with my boundaries with my mom. It took years, but it did work out in the end.

[Zapbasket]

I'm sure I'm doing the best I can, but...

 

...I'm still having such a hard time and I feel like I just can't get my head above water. I feel sad every minute of every day. The weight of what I have lost just pulls me below like a wheelbarrow of rocks. I decided a few weeks ago to stop communicating with my ex's mom; his sister's birthday was last week and I didn't acknowledge it; his younger brother is doing this amazing thing for which he and the family are fundraising and I have neither acknowledged it nor given any money; and it all feels so unnatural.

 

I hurt every minute that my ex slithered out of the relationship the way he did, treated me as he did during it and after all this time--going on 10 months now--has not contacted me like I, his mom and the rest of his family expected. I feel confused how he could do what he did, and so hurt, and it seems no matter what additional clarity I get about him, me, the relationship we had, it does little to nothing to abet the hurt, confusion, and deep sadness I feel.

 

I feel lonely every day. Today at work it is all I can do to not cry. I feel depressed and have found it hard to focus at work and I think some of my coworkers are beginning to notice. I had a mandatory month off for all of May (it's just the way this position is structured), and when I returned to work on Monday they all asked me, "Oooh, how was your vacation?"--and I said I had to spend it dealing with a family crisis because I couldn't lie and say, "It was great" and nor could I say, "I found my ex-bf on a dating site and I feel like a stranded, unwanted puppy in this town, cut off from all these people I loved and love so much and over the month I just fell apart and I don't know when I'm going to feel better."

 

Because I don't know when I'm going to feel better. I don't see one thing, one aspect of my life, looking up. I work out a lot, at the gym and outdoors, to keep strong and healthy as well as to try to boost my endorphins. But I don't feel any better.

 

I hurt so badly I can't help but wonder what my ex feels. I know he can push things out of his mind; he's a King when it comes to denial; but he was so unahppy with himself and his life while we dated and probably before, so how could it be any different now? And yet I have to think that if he felt one iota as bad as I do, he'd try to get in touch with me. He seems just fine, then, without me in his life.

 

And the thought of that hurts like hell. Because I don't understand how I, who have every reason to stay away from him and be GLAD in the sense that he didn't treat me so well and he didn't want to lift a finger to improve his life or collaborate with me to build a future together, am so crushed.

 

I feel like no one where I live has my back, or even knows how much I'm suffering.

 

I am so worn out from feeling like this. I am beginning to forget what it feels like to feel happy.

[sunshinegirl]

GC, are you willing to consider taking anti-depressant medication?

 

The fact that you are doing as much as you can to cope in a healthy way yet you still can't get your head above water suggests that your brain chemistry is far out of whack. (I'm sure that's a technical term, right?)

 

I say that out of my own personal experiences where I could not, after several months of trying to cope, find solid footing and begin to move on. I couldn't see the point of getting out of bed, nothing brought me joy, I couldn't stop recycling what happened, etc. Pretty much what you're experiencing.

 

I got over my objections to so-called "happy pills" and began taking Effexor. And within 2 or 3 weeks I felt a noticeable change. The medication took the edge off in a way that allowed me to function, allowed me to gain perspective, allowed me to get my head above water. It didn't transform me into a "happy" person but it sorted out my brain chemistry enough to enable me to continue the work I needed to do in therapy - and to make real strides in reclaiming my happiness and my future.

 

By the way, I actually discontinued the Effexor only 3-4 months later as I was feeling so much better by then, and able to move on... and I had no ill effects from coming off the drug.

 

Dear GC, please consider it. You are 10 months into your recovery and you are not doing well.

[Zapbasket]

Maybe it's time to re-consider a mild anti-depressant.

 

Earlier this year I went to the doctor for a sleeping/anti-anxiety aid and he gave me Valium. It did help me get on a better sleep schedule, and after a couple of weeks I got back on track enough to discontinue using it.

 

It's not just 10 months since my break-up and I should be _____ in recovery. It's dealing with where my entire life is. I feel very much without friends or support where I live. I just lost my main support system: his family. Though I've put myself out there all fall, winter and spring, I just haven't met quality people that I feel I can really let into my life. The one good female friend I thought I had where I live a) only lived here seasonally and b) cut me off with no explanation save for a mention a couple of years ago that she has a hard time letting people get close. When I tried to talk to her about what was going on, she basically told me to go to hell.

 

I did get a better job this year, but I was overqualified for it a decade ago and though my coworkers are nice, I just don't feel like it's the right fit for me but I feel just worn out of always looking for jobs; it's all I did the previous 3-4 years.

 

My mother and I have had the worst mother-daughter year we've ever had and so that's been a continuing source of pain.

 

I do get out and see people and take care of errands, etc., and I do work out. But to solve my situational malaise I feel like I've lost a sense of direction. I'm usually pretty driven; I always have a goal in mind; and lately no goal seems worth much. Maybe that is depression?

 

Earlier this year I did seriously consider ending my life. I got really overwhelmed. Somehow I pulled through that but I don't think it was because of the Valium except insofar as the medication helped me sleep better.

 

I don't know. Honestly? More than anything else I feel like I could really use a hug, just some love from some source to mitigate my surroundings where I feel like I am invisible and to the extent that's not true, no one really cares. I still feel like I could just up and leave town and no one would even really notice. I feel so beaten down. Maybe medication would help? Not really sure--but hearing that it worked for you and you only needed it for a brief time is encouraging. I'm generally opposed to meds except for cases of genuine chronic clinical depression, because I have a notion that grief serves to help "flush-out" the mind and so you must let it run its full course, even if the process is wrenchingly miserable and takes a long time.

 

I don't know.

[sunshinegirl]

Honey, I'm pretty sure that you are in the throes of "genuine chronic clinical depression."

 

Valium isn't an anti-depressant, nor are anti-depressants going to somehow short-circuit your brain and not allow you to figure out your life. I repeat, it's not a happy pill.

 

You are someone with a tremendous amount of knowledge about psychology, and in that way you remind me of an old roommate of mine. Everyone around her could see she was suffering badly from depression but she adamantly refused to do take medication because she supposedly "knew too much" about what her problem was and was somehow convinced medication wouldn't - couldn't - help. In my view she was so enmeshed in her depression that she couldn't see how sick she was.

 

Please don't be like her. She suffered for years. I still don't know if she ever sought medication, but having that kind of pride ("I know better how to get through this") is not worth its cost.

 

In my view the risks of taking medication are low and the potential payoff is very high. We are talking about your life, GC. Don't pre-emptively cut off an avenue that very well might help you, and by doing so wind up twisting in the wind even longer than you need to.

[BC1980]

I'll be honest. It took me a good 3 months of NC to feel any better. It was pretty awful, and I can't sugar coat it. I had the same feelings of hopelessness that you do. Are you NC now?

[Zapbasket]

I won't lie; I'm scared of antidepressants...but like I said, hearing that you popped onto them and popped off them only to your benefit is very encouraging.

 

I don't want to be like your roommate--yikes! I guess I just wonder how much of a help antidepressants could be when my depression is decidedly arising from OUTSIDE factors. It's a grouping of situational factors that shows no sign of letting up. I feel I'm dealing with it all as best as anyone can...and so in that sense you could say my brain chemistry is great.

 

There are only two psychiatrists in this whole valley, and as the continuing irony of my life would have it (I'm actually chuckling at this right now), one of them was the friend of my ex-ex whom the ex fraudulently tried to get to prescribe medication to me and then force me to take...and the other was the director of the institution for which I moved here to work and which was the absolute worst job situation I've ever had--with this director as one of the culprits. So if I get medication, I'll have to go to my PCP and he is not equipped to answer my questions. I'd be tempted to just ask him for Effexor because it worked well for you.

 

The most recent thing to change was my decision to let all of K's family go. So now I am grieving a whole other group of losses, and dealing with a whole other version of isolation where I live.

 

I just keep wondering what of my situation I can alter to open a little breathing hole where I might begin to feel better. The exercising has been a part of that, because it gets me out into the mountains around me and gives me goals to strive for, even while in every other area (save for my therapy where I'm looking at my relationship patterns and their origins) I temporarily feel listless about what goals are worth striving for.

 

Ok. I will make an appointment with my PCP. The whole thing really freaks me out--did you really have NO side effects?

[Zapbasket]

I'll be honest. It took me a good 3 months of NC to feel any better. It was pretty awful, and I can't sugar coat it. I had the same feelings of hopelessness that you do. Are you NC now?

 

Did not unfriend on FB but NC now in every other way. Always have been NC with the ex, but now NC with whole family including mom and believe me it's a feat.