Fear I am not progressing well in coping, 2

[BC1980]

GreenCove, I have read the thread of your posts and I really, really empathize with you. My heart is just breaking for you and I hear where you are at - I went through my BU 6 weeks ago and did a lot of the same perseverating and crying, worrying and obsessing that you have been going through.

 

 

What I see through all of the posts that all of your energy is bleeding out towards focusing on your ex and there is a lot of trying to analyze and get an answer to "why" - and what I am learning is that there IS no answer to the "why" questions. It is a sure way to stay stuck in the pits of despair. I think healing takes its own time, there is no shame in your healing process being longer than anyone else's - and it is none of anyone else's business, including your ex. What has helped me start to REALLY move on after falling into my own pit of despair is really embracing, as tough as it is, that my ex, my history with him, is behind me now, and the only thing that counts is what is good for ME. My healing, my life, my values, my time, what experience I DESERVE to have with a partner.

 

 

Days are off and on, as it will happen with the grieving process. But I am finding space to breathe, spending less and less time obsessing over my ex, punishing myself for what I thought I should have done differently, analyzing the relationship and my ex's motives to death - all ways of punishing myself and holding on to him at the same time. It will keep you stuck. Excuse my language, but screw this guy. There was attraction and a lot of feeling, but he wasn't right for you and couldn't give you what you needed or treat you with the respect you deserve. I put up with my ex's passive-aggressive manipulations for a while, hoping he would want to reconcile and racking my brain as to why he dropped me when I gave him the second chance that he asked for, but it is a question that has no answers. Instead I am shifting my entire focus to ME. I am the center of my life, my relationship with myself and how well I am taking care of myself is the most important. And makes me stronger and able to start moving on. My heart is with you and you are not alone. This guy does not deserve all of the attention and credit you are giving him. You sound like a special, sensitive person and you deserve someone special that can be deserving of your devotion.

 

I wondered WHY for so long. I drove myself absolutely nuts for months because I thought that if I understood WHY, I could fix it. It's also just flat out normal to try to figure it out. I'll be honest. I don't think these situations are nearly as complicated as we make them out to be. I know that with my ex, the writing was in the wall, and the solution was just that he didn't see a future with me. I think it just came down to incompatibility, but I wanted there to be a convoluted reason. My ex had multiple issues from childhood and adulthood, and he never addressed or overcame them. Case closed.

 

I think you will naturally get to a point that it doesn't matter anymore. When I think of WHY, it's revolting to me. It's of so little interest that I actually recoil from it. Trust me, that was not the case 6 months ago. I was so involved in trying to make sense of it all that I was blinded to that fact that he just didn't want to be with me.

[Zapbasket]

 

Days are off and on, as it will happen with the grieving process. But I am finding space to breathe, spending less and less time obsessing over my ex, punishing myself for what I thought I should have done differently, analyzing the relationship and my ex's motives to death - all ways of punishing myself and holding on to him at the same time. It will keep you stuck. Excuse my language, but screw this guy. There was attraction and a lot of feeling, but he wasn't right for you and couldn't give you what you needed or treat you with the respect you deserve. I put up with my ex's passive-aggressive manipulations for a while, hoping he would want to reconcile and racking my brain as to why he dropped me when I gave him the second chance that he asked for, but it is a question that has no answers. Instead I am shifting my entire focus to ME. I am the center of my life, my relationship with myself and how well I am taking care of myself is the most important. And makes me stronger and able to start moving on. My heart is with you and you are not alone. This guy does not deserve all of the attention and credit you are giving him. You sound like a special, sensitive person and you deserve someone special that can be deserving of your devotion.

 

God, this is so smart and something I agree with 100%, as well as the very advice I would give to someone in my shoes. I told my best friend last night on the phone that if she were in my situation, it would be so clear to me that the guy she was pining for was not worth one further thought. I told her I'd probably start to feel frustrated that she didn't see it that way, and instead continued to hurt and pine and wish for a reconciliation of something that never could have worked, anyway, because they guy was closed off and selfish and more committed to his bad attitude than to making a concerted effort to make the relationship work.

 

Why, then, can I not see it for myself? I keep having this overwhelming feeling of "confusion," when on another level I know I'm NOT confused, and nor was I in the relationship's beginning, when the problems started to show and my intuition started niggling. I see that I accepted constant, if subtle, gestures of invalidation from my ex, and I see that I should not have put up with it. Actually I didn't put up with it; I argued with him over it, which only led him to label me as unreasonable and our relationship as one that had him constantly "walking on eggshells."

 

But somehow even all these months later, with no contact whatsoever, I feel humiliated (because the relationship's failure feels like MY "failure"; because he so clearly came to not want me or pine for me or want to work on the relationship), confused, and utterly gutted inside. I still have this fear of him a) finally getting a life and a life direction and b) getting a new gf and treating her better, even though it's evident that whatever he does, it doesn't matter a) because he does not want me and b) because 3.5 years with him proved that while our professed values are the same, our willingness/ability to act on those values is very different, as are our attitudes, all together rendering us incompatible.

 

So why do I still think of him nearly all the time? Why do I always wonder what he's up to? Why do I feel so lost and crushed by this whole thing, even though on another level, I understand it perfectly? Can you relate to this at all? What is going on?

[BC1980]

You hit the nail on the head when you said your ex's willingness to act on his values was not the same as yours. My ex would wax on about what it took to have a good relationship, which drew me in at first. As time went on, it was obvious he was not going to put any of it into place. It was as if he had read or been told what you are supposed to do in a relationship but didn't know how to do it or didn't recognize when to do it.

 

I find it very interesting coupled with the fact that he had trouble making friends and was socially awkward. He had a hard time taking social cues and knowing how to be appropriate in groups. It was off ever so slightly.

[Zapbasket]

I suppose it's the norm as you go through the mourning process, to feel flashes of clarity where you understand why the relationship ended, only then to be flooded over with feelings of regret and wistfulness.

 

But I feel surprised and confused by the strength of my sadness and the waves of confusion I feel, still, after nearly one year since we broke up and 9 months since our last, via-email, hurtful contact.

 

My very own best friend is incredibly empathetic with what I've gone through in this breakup; I honestly would not have survived this past year without her. And even she says to me, "K is not worth all this hurt and energy expended in his direction; he really isn't." She never met him, but she bases her strong negative opinion of him on the years of hearing my hurt and frustration at many of his behaviors. I have no doubt of her genuine care for me, and she knows me well and would never lie to me or sugarcoat anything. So when she tells me K was not a good guy and was abusive to me, I know she speaks the truth. My own experience tells me much of the same thing.

 

Except...that in the midst of that truth, I still love K. I do. Is that crazy? I don't actually see him as a "bad" guy, but I do see and saw all along that he had/has a lot of problems. I saw and still do see so much good in him, but there was just so much holding him back and he did not want to do anything to address those issues. He seemed very much in denial about it all. These are the reasons why it's best I am finally out of the relationship, but I can't shake my intense disappointment. I really feel that if he'd been willing and ready to take a look at his issues rather than denying them or blaming me or doing things to sabotage our intimacy rather than to embrace the connection we both acknowledged many times we had, I think I'd be in a very different situation right now.

 

I guess, though, that as I try to continue sussing out the truth from what I wanted to be true, I wonder whether all the good I saw in him and all the potential really was there? I want to know that I have the ability to see things as they really are, not as I fantasize them to be or wish they could be. Because if my own illusions kept me in this relationship longer than I should have been in it, I need to know so that I don't waste any more time on a relationship that isn't going anywhere.

 

Anyway, I feel a little better, having confessed this: "I still feel sad and disappointed." Maybe I always will feel that way?

[elseaacych]

It's very normal to grieve for "what could have been", because the lost "potential" seems to swell so much bigger of a loss than the person your ex really was. I think we all grieve the lost potential more than we grieve the loss of the person.

 

It's normal to be confused if you think you two had everything together you would get married, have a family, house with a white picket fence..., this is a loss of security. You are suddenly flung into the wild where your direction is unknown. It's a very scary existential crisis and it's hard to communicate to others why you feel the way you do.

 

In some ways it's harder to cope with the lost potential because it's harder to express and understand the emotions surrounding it. For others who are listening to you (and me) it is hard to understand, because you are "over" your ex but are still unhappy because you are still mourning for what could have been which is a harder thing to express because it is so abstract.

 

No one can tell what the future holds, and whether you will be happy or not. You are still connecting your unhappiness to him, because he is a factor of it, but it is likely he is not the sole reason. Is there anything else you are unhappy about? What can you do about that?

 

You still have your "potential", but you have to reframe it differently by rewriting your intent, and refocusing your story.

Edited July 19, 2014 by elseaacych

[BC1980]

It's very normal to grieve for "what could have been", because the lost "potential" seems to swell so much bigger of a loss than the person your ex really was. I think we all grieve the lost potential more than we grieve the loss of the person.

 

It's normal to be confused if you think you two had everything together you would get married, have a family, house with a white picket fence..., this is a loss of security. You are suddenly flung into the wild where your direction is unknown. It's a very scary existential crisis and it's hard to communicate to others why you feel the way you do.

 

In some ways it's harder to cope with the lost potential because it's harder to express and understand the emotions surrounding it. For others who are listening to you (and me) it is hard to understand, because you are "over" your ex but are still unhappy because you are still mourning for what could have been which is a harder thing to express because it is so abstract.

 

No one can tell what the future holds, and whether you will be happy or not. You are still connecting your unhappiness to him, because he is a factor of it, but it is likely he is not the sole reason. Is there anything else you are unhappy about? What can you do about that?

 

You still have your "potential", but you have to reframe it differently by rewriting your intent, and refocusing your story.

 

This is exactly it. In the months immediately following my breakup, I was riddled with anxiety of the unknown. I thought my life was going in a certain path, and I had rock solid certainty in it. After my breakup, I felt like I was flung from a car, put out on the side of the road with nothing but my essential belongings, and told to figure it out from there. In fact, I often likened my feelings to that exact scenario.

 

I've since realized that nothing in life is certain. Anything can come along and completely rock your security from one day to the next, and it would trigger similar emotions. No one understands unless they have gone through it. My family just did not understand what I was feeling even though they tried. They had no idea that it isn't just the loss of a person but of a life and a certain comfort that all in your world was on steady ground.

 

I can tell you that since feeling that loss so deeply, I have come a long way. I have been able to rebuild my life in many ways. I'm not completely there yet, but I'm back on my feet with different goals.

[BC1980]

Except...that in the midst of that truth, I still love K. I do. Is that crazy? I don't actually see him as a "bad" guy, but I do see and saw all along that he had/has a lot of problems.

 

I'm right there with you. Why do I still feel some love for this person after what he did to me? It pains me to think about our good memories of traveling and realizing that it won't happen again. It's terribly painful, so I push those memories away. I think that time and distance are the only ways to soften the memories and the love.

[Zapbasket]

 

No one can tell what the future holds, and whether you will be happy or not. You are still connecting your unhappiness to him, because he is a factor of it, but it is likely he is not the sole reason. Is there anything else you are unhappy about? What can you do about that?

 

You still have your "potential", but you have to reframe it differently by rewriting your intent, and refocusing your story.

 

Wow. Yes, everything you said: thank you. This quoted bit is going to be what I meditate upon while I spend the next 24 hours or so alone. I hadn't quite seen it all this way, and I don't know the answer to that question though I think I have a few clues.

 

Is it crazy that I still wish he would just freaking call me? I think despite everything, there is a part of me that really wants him back. I feel like there's real unfinished business with us--or maybe that's the unrealized "potential," that may or may not actually have existed? (No one thinks K will ever change.)

[Zapbasket]

I'm right there with you. Why do I still feel some love for this person after what he did to me? It pains me to think about our good memories of traveling and realizing that it won't happen again. It's terribly painful, so I push those memories away. I think that time and distance are the only ways to soften the memories and the love.

 

((hugs)) Exactly. It is so terribly painful. And I agree with your last sentence, but with one caveat that my therapist pointed out: He said, "People say, 'Time heals all wounds,' but it's not TIME that heals so much as it is what you do with that time. You can't just expect time to generate the growth and insight that marks having really moved THROUGH a traumatic situation."

 

His words really resonated with me because this most recent breakup brought up a whole bunch of unresolved / unexplored issues and arrested development from my breakup in 2007 that brought me to LS. I realized I never really did the necessary inner work to come to the understanding that that experience was designed to teach me. And thus I found myself all these years later in an uncanny replica of that earlier situation--same relational dynamics, same mode of ending, everything. It was shocking how similar that breakup and this one were, as well as the relationships leading up to the breakups.

 

So now I think, in addition to time, you have to really FEEL everything the relationship and its end stirred up in you, and examine it with a fine-toothed comb ALONGSIDE getting out into the world and having new experiences.

 

Anyway, just some thoughts. Does it resonate with you or your experience at all?

[Zapbasket]

Gosh, guys, thank you so much. Sometimes--no, often--the connections through posts on this board make such a difference. I am going to climb another peak tomorrow, beginning the climb before dawn, and I'm going to have to do it solo for the second week in a row. The coworker-friend who was goign to join me cancelled on me and so I'm going to be camping alone at the trailhead, driving over a pass and back alone, climbing the peak alone.... ugghhhh it's so damned lonely sometimes. And that's when I feel particularly sad. But to know that we are in similar boats and you are out there and understand--it means so much. It really makes it all a little more bearable. So, here's to another solo peak in the name of psychological and spiritual clarity. I will have you guys in my thoughts.

[BC1980]

I feel like there's real unfinished business with us--or maybe that's the unrealized "potential," that may or may not actually have existed? (No one thinks K will ever change.)

 

Be careful of that. The whole idea of "unfinished business" is a lie that keeps you tethered to the relationship. You feel like you need to go over certain parts of the relationship again and again, and you find new parts to dissect. You feel like it might bring some new understanding that will allow you to let go or have a light bulb moment. You feel if you could talk to the person again, there would be clarity.

 

It's okay to go over what happened in the name of making you better. Don't tie it back to him or his reasons for leaving. Tie it back to you, so you can figure out how to avoid this in the future. Sometimes, I would go over the same thing again and again. I would have to remind myself that I had been over this idea, and I had dissected what it meant for me. Now, it was time to put it to rest because no more good could come out of it. Dissection is wonderful, but keep it focused on you. It's all too easy to go down the slippery slope of trying to figure out your ex.

[BC1980]

((hugs)) Exactly. It is so terribly painful. And I agree with your last sentence, but with one caveat that my therapist pointed out: He said, "People say, 'Time heals all wounds,' but it's not TIME that heals so much as it is what you do with that time. You can't just expect time to generate the growth and insight that marks having really moved THROUGH a traumatic situation."

 

His words really resonated with me because this most recent breakup brought up a whole bunch of unresolved / unexplored issues and arrested development from my breakup in 2007 that brought me to LS. I realized I never really did the necessary inner work to come to the understanding that that experience was designed to teach me. And thus I found myself all these years later in an uncanny replica of that earlier situation--same relational dynamics, same mode of ending, everything. It was shocking how similar that breakup and this one were, as well as the relationships leading up to the breakups.

 

So now I think, in addition to time, you have to really FEEL everything the relationship and its end stirred up in you, and examine it with a fine-toothed comb ALONGSIDE getting out into the world and having new experiences.

 

Anyway, just some thoughts. Does it resonate with you or your experience at all?

 

I basically realized that being with my ex made me feel like I belonged. Like I belonged to society's view of what I should be. Like I fit in. Does that make sense? As far back as I can remember, I have felt like an outsider. Like there was something intrinsically wrong with me that made me different from everyone else. That I was not capable of being in a loving relationship because no one would want me. It just wasn't going to be an option for me because I was, well, I was myself.

 

I think most of that came from my relationship with my mom. I love her, but she was very hard on me as a kid. Nothing was ever good enough. I was treated like the "bad child." I was told what to do and when to do it. My opinion never mattered, and I felt loved only conditionally. The really weird thing is that I was actually what most people wanted from a child. I made good grades, had good friends, was on the dance team in high school, didn't drink or smoke (just experimentally like most kids), was in youth group at church. I was a cookie cutter picture of what people would consider successful in high school, but I was miserably unhappy. I had an eating disorder, which started when I was 13, and my home life was a wreck.

 

I think that my ex became a person that I wanted unconditional love from, but the irony is that he treated me like I felt my mom treated me. I felt he loved me conditionally. I felt that I needed to morph into what he considered a good partner, so he would want to marry me. I always loved him unconditionally and never expected him to change. I've realized that I actually pick partners this way. I've been ready to change into any and everything to make them want me. I guess it was most pronounced in this relationship because it was my longest, and I saw forever with this particular guy. It was very devastating when he broke up with me because the problems he named were things that were intrinsic to my personality. So he reinforced the idea that I wasn't good enough to be loved. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy, just like every other relationship. I would try my hardest, but I just couldn't be good enough to be loved.

 

I'm still working through all of this. Trying, day by day, to understand that I am good enough the way I am. I don't need to change to suit someone else. These are ingrained patterns for 32 years, so it doesn't change overnight.

[BC1980]

Gosh, guys, thank you so much. Sometimes--no, often--the connections through posts on this board make such a difference. I am going to climb another peak tomorrow, beginning the climb before dawn, and I'm going to have to do it solo for the second week in a row. The coworker-friend who was goign to join me cancelled on me and so I'm going to be camping alone at the trailhead, driving over a pass and back alone, climbing the peak alone.... ugghhhh it's so damned lonely sometimes. And that's when I feel particularly sad. But to know that we are in similar boats and you are out there and understand--it means so much. It really makes it all a little more bearable. So, here's to another solo peak in the name of psychological and spiritual clarity. I will have you guys in my thoughts.

 

It has helped me greatly to be able to talk freely about this. My family doesn't really understand, and I don't expect them to. These are things you don't understand unless you have been there. I have two great friends who have been through similar situations, and they have listened to me a great deal. Thank goodness for them.

[artsygirl78]

I suppose it's the norm as you go through the mourning process, to feel flashes of clarity where you understand why the relationship ended, only then to be flooded over with feelings of regret and wistfulness.

 

But I feel surprised and confused by the strength of my sadness and the waves of confusion I feel, still, after nearly one year since we broke up and 9 months since our last, via-email, hurtful contact.

 

My very own best friend is incredibly empathetic with what I've gone through in this breakup; I honestly would not have survived this past year without her. And even she says to me, "K is not worth all this hurt and energy expended in his direction; he really isn't." She never met him, but she bases her strong negative opinion of him on the years of hearing my hurt and frustration at many of his behaviors. I have no doubt of her genuine care for me, and she knows me well and would never lie to me or sugarcoat anything. So when she tells me K was not a good guy and was abusive to me, I know she speaks the truth. My own experience tells me much of the same thing.

 

Except...that in the midst of that truth, I still love K. I do. Is that crazy? I don't actually see him as a "bad" guy, but I do see and saw all along that he had/has a lot of problems. I saw and still do see so much good in him, but there was just so much holding him back and he did not want to do anything to address those issues. He seemed very much in denial about it all. These are the reasons why it's best I am finally out of the relationship, but I can't shake my intense disappointment. I really feel that if he'd been willing and ready to take a look at his issues rather than denying them or blaming me or doing things to sabotage our intimacy rather than to embrace the connection we both acknowledged many times we had, I think I'd be in a very different situation right now.

 

I guess, though, that as I try to continue sussing out the truth from what I wanted to be true, I wonder whether all the good I saw in him and all the potential really was there? I want to know that I have the ability to see things as they really are, not as I fantasize them to be or wish they could be. Because if my own illusions kept me in this relationship longer than I should have been in it, I need to know so that I don't waste any more time on a relationship that isn't going anywhere.

 

Anyway, I feel a little better, having confessed this: "I still feel sad and disappointed." Maybe I always will feel that way?

 

 

I feel exactly the way you do, I completely understand. I am going through the same thing - every single person who had the patience to listen to the story of why I broke up with my ex told me not only was it the right thing to do, but that I was a lot nicer than they would have been about it, and yet, two months post BU, I love him, I miss him, I wish he would call me and that we could make up. It is not crazy. The hardest breakups are the ones where there is a lot to love about someone, but there are also deal breakers that can't be resolved.

 

No one can put a "time stamp" on healing. I would say though, that I see a lot of similarities between you and I. From all of your posts you seem like a very sensitive person who is pretty conscientious, working REALLY hard on herself, and one to take things in very deeply. I think the more that you can concentrate on yourself and what you are doing to take care of yourself, the better it will be. There is no shame in saying you miss him, love him, and feel sad and disappointed. I think there will be part of me that will always love my ex, maybe even deeply, but I know I deserve to experience joy and love again in a relationship that will last, and concentrating on that is helping me slowly (SLOWLY!) heal. It is not about him, but about ME and what I want. For an extra sensitive person, this kind of attitude feels weirdly selfish, right? But it is called loving and valuing yourself.

 

Just take extra, extra good care of yourself. You deserve love. You deserve happiness. You deserve someone that can treat you well. The more you can really sit with that, absorb it, feel in your heart and KNOW that you are worthy of unconditional love, the more you are able to heal, AND the more you change the dynamic in who you find yourself attracted to, I promise. It took years for me to get over my first love, but here I am pining away for someone completely different LOL!!! Feelings DO change and the work you are doing on yourself, plus the self awareness, will change your life for the better. This kind of work is not for the faint of heart. You are very brave to be this honest with yourself about your feelings. One step at a time, one hike at a time, you'll make it

[Zapbasket]

I thought I was doing a little better this week, feeling sad, but being able to engage in an inner dialogue with what about the whole thing still creates sadness. On Thursday and Friday I went on an overnight trip with a coworker that involved 25 miles of hiking and it was great. This coworker also works closely with K's mom (of course, I didn't and wouldn't talk about any of the past or the breakup, etc. with her), and is right around K's mom's age, and I suppose those factors brought K's mom very much to mind. We had a text exchange back on 7/4 where she wished me a happy 4th, but other than a few voicemails back and forth and a couple of mutual Facebook "likes" we haven't had any direct conversation or seen one another face to face since April 26, when we met for coffee.

 

I decided to text K's mom this morning--I'll call her "D"--just to say hi. She texted back saying she'd left me a voice message yesterday. I hadn't received it because I was in the woods, out of cell range, and my phone didn't show any new messages received. Her voice message said she had been back in her hometown most of the summer, dealing with stuff, and finally came back to town this past Tuesday, where she will be before she returns to her hometown again (about 3 hours away by car) next weekend. She said she hoped we'd connect live soon.

 

So after listening to her message, I called her and left a message saying it'd be great to see her while she's home and told her some days when I'd be free.

 

No response, and then a few hours later she's on Facebook, where she "likes" an album I posted just this morning. ANd then the news feed showed that she also, just a minute before, "liked" the changed profile photo of one of K's ex-girlfriends. I never met this girl as she doesn't live in this part of the country, but in the first year K and I were together she kept posting dumb sh*t on his FB wall that framed her in my eyes as one of those women who hangs around an ex and has no boundaries. K even had told me that he brought his ex before me to have lunch with this ex. And then I just came out and said NO and that I was NOT comfortable with her contact with him. And as far as I know he respected that and she stopped posting dumb crap on his wall, and the few times she did, he completely ignored her. Sure enough, though, as soon as we were broken up back she appeared, commenting on his wall, on his sister's wall and his mom's and I was disgusted because it was obvious he was using her as an ego boost. When he'd said to me years ago that when they dated, he found her irritating because she was "dumb" and he was "embarrassed" to bring her around his science institute colleagues.

 

All these years, D has never commented upon or liked one of this girl's posts. And now? It happening so close in proximity to her liking my album on FB really made me angry and sad, like now I've been demoted to her level when I KNOW as a girlfriend and part of their family I meant SO MUCH MORE. But now?

 

Now it feels like D is doing the "nice no" thing with me--where I propose we meet up and she just never responds or initiates an actual meet-up, just calls to say hi and check in every few weeks. True, she's obviously been busy dealing with her grandkids, her dad who had knee surgery, and other things I probably don't know about, but several times I have proposed we get together and she has never directly commented one way or another on it, just like today, texting me back right up until I propose getting together and then going AWOL. So now I feel like in D's mind I'm just another of K's exes, only unlike this girl I don't have the privilege of being in contact with K and commenting on his mom's and sister's walls about family happenings, etc. Um...here's what I really don't get: she hasn't been a "part" of K's family since before 2006 so what the hell? And until now, D NEVER commented on or "liked" one of her photos.

 

It just feels like I meant nothing, and it really confuses me and pisses me off that D will call and text me and like my photos on FB but clearly isn't making it much of a priority to get together with me when SHE was the one who was so adamant about us staying in contact. I was uncomfortable with it and struggled with it through this whole year, but kept the contact because she always was so kind to me and I felt that especially since we got on so well always and work together at the same company, why not just keep up and see where it leads.

 

And so I don't know her intentions anymore, and I am hurt and jealous that she would give this ex of K's ANY attention.

 

I ended up deleting the whole album from FB. I just can't stand it, and I know the thing itself is petty but what it stirs up is NOT.

 

I am sobbing now and I feel like utter crap. Why can't she just be honest with me about what is going on? Why won't she meet up with me, and if indeed she is warding off meeting with me, then why keep calling me, wanting a piece of me? I'm sure she has no idea how much she is hurting me.

 

I know you all will say, "Cut her off," but as I keep saying it's hard because we work for the same company and she's a bit of a figurehead there.

 

I don't know what to do. I feel like I'd look really foolish leaving her a message or email (since she won't meet up with me) saying please to leave me alone, just as at this late date I'd look foolish if I deleted K, D, and K's sister from FB or just deleted my entire FB account so that never again do I have to have social media interfere with the heart-reality of any future relationship. So do I just continue to accept this confusing state of affairs from D? Where she obviously thinks enough of me to call me periodically (or she feels sorry for me?), but has no intention of getting together with me now or in the future.

Edited July 26, 2014 by GreenCove

[BC1980]

Here is my suggestion. I don't think you have to cut off contact with his mom, but I think you have to accept that your relationship with her is different. I'm not sure if she views you as equal to K's other ex, but, however she views you, that will have to be what you accept if you continue contact with her. I think the other ex only matters in the sense that you see yourself as demoted when compared to her. It just brings up the fact that your relationship with K is no longer, so the paradigm has shifted. Her presence is a reminder of some unpleasant truths. I understand your feelings, and it's up to you to decide if continued contact with K's mom is worth you possibly being triggered and feeling like cr@p.

 

BTW, another weird similarity between our exes. My ex kept in touch with all his exes too. He actually send a Christmas card every year to one of his exes who is married with children. I found it completely odd. He also kept the cell phone number of another recent ex and texted her once when a tornado went through her home town, saying he would help if needed.

[Zapbasket]

I ended up talking live with K's mom. It has f*cked me up so much that it has ruined my day and I feel utterly depleted. I don't mean depleted like I need a good night's sleep; I mean depleted like down to my very soul.

 

I'm not a religious person, but I have had this feeling since January or so that this life I'm in can no longer contain the needs of the soul I've been lucky to call mine. I feel like it is time for me to pass quietly and easily from this life into a new one to which my soul can truly align. I am so depleted and I cannot go on like this.

 

I don't even know why D calls me. She called me at the end of the day today and she told me about her parents, of whom she has been in her hometown taking care, and her grandchildren, who also live in her hometown and whom she also cared for this past month or so (I loved them). I don't ask detailed questions, just how they are. And then out of that she volunteers that K is now working as a guide on weekends at the family ranch. I didn't ask about him and when she told me, I asked no questions. She asked a bit about what I was up to and asked about my mom, and then got really weird, like she just suddenly had to go even though she had told me at the beginning that she was at the beginning of a three-hour drive and was completely free to talk. It was like she suddenly could not wait to get off the phone and she practically hung up on me saying it was raining where she was (I checked the weather and it was not) and that the roads were slick (bs it's a major and well-maintained highway). And her parting words were that we would get together in person soon and to call her if I need anything.

 

I feel like crap for myriad reasons. First of all, is this some pity party on her part? I don't need her contacting me out of guilt. But why does she so tenaciously hang on to me when it seems so awkward for her even to have what I'd consider to be a basic conversation? I can't fathom why she feels the need to hang on.

 

And finding this out about K. So he couldn't have figured out to do that while we were together? That has him out of town on weekends and it hurts because it seems ultimately like he's going to move from here and I'm sorry, but I deserved the not-lost K and not the K who couldn't make a single plan for his future.

 

I just feel exhausted and like crap and wishing D would just leave me alone and not understanding why she can't either be honest with herself and/or with me and just come out and say why the f she keeps in touch with me.

[elseaacych]

From what it looks like, you two keep reaching out to each other for whatever reason, it's not exactly clear. What you need to do is stop wanting to reach out to her, and actually stop reaching out to her. Don't text her to say "hi". You know it's draining you, so you have to establish some boundaries. This is what I suggest, as I did this with my ex's sister and mother, (who I came to adore during the course of my relationship with my ex, but our relationship is essentially over.):

 

1. Determine what you can and cannot contact her for. In your case, it should be nothing.

2. On social media: facebook to be specific. Change YOUR privacy settings to what restricted friends can and cannot see. (Profile and cover picture changes are automatically made public, so if you do not want her seeing those, change them to Friends only, except restricted). Set her to "restricted", and unfollow her. You are still friends, and you will see each other on your friends list, and you can still PM each other. (Be wary.)

3. Be "busy" whenever she calls you or asks to meet up. Express regret, but do not make promises to meet up.

4. Don't respond to "baiting" text or voice messages. If you do have to talk to her, give your excuse of being out of area, or phone on the fritz. Always be cordial.

5. She should stop eventually.

6. Stop worrying about her and what she thinks of you.

7. Maybe go find someone to talk to regarding this, anyone will do.

[BC1980]

From what it looks like, you two keep reaching out to each other for whatever reason, it's not exactly clear. What you need to do is stop wanting to reach out to her, and actually stop reaching out to her. Don't text her to say "hi". You know it's draining you, so you have to establish some boundaries. This is what I suggest, as I did this with my ex's sister and mother, (who I came to adore during the course of my relationship with my ex, but our relationship is essentially over.):

 

1. Determine what you can and cannot contact her for. In your case, it should be nothing.

2. On social media: facebook to be specific. Change YOUR privacy settings to what restricted friends can and cannot see. (Profile and cover picture changes are automatically made public, so if you do not want her seeing those, change them to Friends only, except restricted). Set her to "restricted", and unfollow her. You are still friends, and you will see each other on your friends list, and you can still PM each other. (Be wary.)

3. Be "busy" whenever she calls you or asks to meet up. Express regret, but do not make promises to meet up.

4. Don't respond to "baiting" text or voice messages. If you do have to talk to her, give your excuse of being out of area, or phone on the fritz. Always be cordial.

5. She should stop eventually.

6. Stop worrying about her and what she thinks of you.

7. Maybe go find someone to talk to regarding this, anyone will do.

 

I agree with all of this. It's clear that contact with her is troublesome in several ways. The social media aspect is a big problem. The family of an ex is a tough thing to navigate after a breakup for all of us. I remember after my aunt and uncle divorced, each one was saying they wouldn't come to my cousin's wedding if the other showed. The entire thing is just awkward for everyone.

 

I truly think that it's best to cut contact if it's bothering you. In the end, you are the one who has to deal with the fallout of continued communication, and speaking with her is not worth all of this pain. It's really not in the end. I get the feeling you want to cut contact but don't know how to go about it in a way that doesn't offend her. Is that correct?

[Minneloa]

Hi GC,

 

I'm mostly a lurker on this site now, but I follow your threads, and this one concerned me enough to respond. I am sorry you are hurting so much. That said, I am going to be firm and practical in my advice, rather than responding to the content of your posts, because I want to focus on how you can help yourself in this time of intense emotional pain and vulnerability.

 

1) If you are feeling suicidal, please reach out to your therapist, a friend or family member, or call a hotline. In the US, one number is 1-800-273-8255.

 

2) It sounds like your breakup may have triggered a general depression. Did you follow through on your appointment with your doctor? I know you have expressed resistance to anti-depressants, but they might be able to help you get back on your feet emotionally.

 

3) I urge you to take the steps outlined by the poster above regarding contact with your ex's mom. Interactions with her clearly trigger emotional spirals for you, so now is the time to take action! You need to protect yourself, GC. No more excuses; she is not a healthy presence in your life right now, and contact with her is setting you off on some very destructive mental paths.

 

In general, I encourage you to think of your brain as currently unreliable organism. All of these awful thoughts and despair seem real, I know, but with support, time, no contact, and perhaps medication, you will gain perspective and see that your ex and his family are no longer relevant in your life and that you have the power to go your own way without them. But you have to ACT. You have to fight back and take steps for your own health and well-being.

 

Sending good thoughts,

 

M.

Edited July 27, 2014 by Minneloa

[Zapbasket]

In the end, you are the one who has to deal with the fallout of continued communication, and speaking with her is not worth all of this pain. It's really not in the end.

 

I think the way I felt yesterday after our live conversation drove home that I just can't keep it up. I love her and given our mutual workplace and so many shared professional ties I thought we had enough basis, along with a genuine admiration and fondness for each other, to have an ongoing relationship. But I wonder if she kept up with me to this point because she genuinely thought K and I would talk and reach some kind of truce. And now we're both thrown for a loop by his silence and maybe now she's keeping in touch with me to honor a commitment she feels she made to me, and also out of guilt? Because I know she was dismayed with her son

 

But I also know she'll defend him in the end, and I fear that in her need to see him in a positive light, she'll ultimately turn on me in a subtle yet painful way. I don't see a relationship developing with her in the way I'd like; there are just too many elephants in the room and I think we both are confused.

 

For so many reasons, this whole thing over all these years has been one of the most confusing and difficult things I've ever dealt with. And no, keeping contact with her doesnt' help and I think the whole situation has snowed under both of our abilities to have a healthy interaction.

 

 

I get the feeling you want to cut contact but don't know how to go about it in a way that doesn't offend her. Is that correct?

 

Yes and no. I WANT a friendship with her and I love her, but the contact just hurts too much and too deeply. If there were another solution, I'd prefer that, but I can't think of one.

[Zapbasket]

Here's the email I'm considering sending to D:

 

I hope you’ll be open to talking about this in person; it would mean a lot to me. I know you’re not in town much these days and so that’s why I’m writing an email.

 

I’ve welcomed the chance to keep up a relationship with you because I adore you. But when we do connect, honestly it causes me a lot of pain. I’ve fought this feeling for a long time because it made, and makes, me sad to think I’d have to lose you, as well. And I thought there has to be some other way than to just cut everything off.

 

But I need to move forward from this somehow, and as painful as this is for me to recognize, keeping up with you only stirs up all the hurt, disappointment and confusion and it just isn’t good for me. I have tried for a long time to come up with some way to make the whole situation better, but I discovered that all of it is truly out of my hands. It’s all especially hard because you—all of you—became family to me over the years and this whole thing feels completely unnatural, somehow. Maybe it’s a little hard for you, too; or maybe it’s just me.

 

As I said, I hope we can discuss this in person. There’s no telling what the future holds; just know I love you as much as I always have.

I don't want to come out and say, "Don't contact me," because I want to leave the lines of communication open but just have the awareness there that the contact does more harm right now than good.

 

 

 

I realize, too, that sending this is risky, because she could just not respond, which would really suck. Or she could take offense, or respond in an angry or otherwise negative way that would really hurt. I really mean it that I want us to talk in person but if that's not what she's willing to do, then that could suck really badly.

 

 

 

I fear also that this email, mild though I think it is, could really hurt her and she won't "get it." I'm not saying definitively that I don't want to talk to her anymore, just that it's an uncomfortable situation for me and I'm open to another suggestion she might have or clarification about her position she could offer.

 

 

 

Really on the fence, but feel I MUST do something. If I do nothing, and this keeps up, and then on top of it I hear that K has a new girlfriend, or is moving to guide full-time at his family ranch, or something like these things, then I will feel just awful and I'd rather take preventative steps at this point.

 

 

And generally I'm not a fan of pulling a fade on someone. I think there are situations where it's appropriate, like when you're exploring a new friendship and discover it's just not something you want to invest in and the other person did nothing "wrong," per se. But when you've had an established relationship where a real bond has been established and mutually acknowledged, I think you owe it to yourself and the other person to be open and honest. I realize, though, that just because I hold myself to this doesn't mean the other person will, and so when you reach out like this you really are taking a huge, huge risk with your heart.

 

I feel a bit annoyed/hurt that SHE is not trying to sit down and set things right with ME. It might be unfair, but I also feel it's unfair that I have to put my heart on the line when already it's crushed.

Edited July 27, 2014 by GreenCove

[BC1980]

I think that email is really good and explains things in an honest way. I don't think she will respond negatively to it, and she probably has no idea how much pain you are in. I'm sure when she knows, she will be sympathetic.

[Zapbasket]

I think that email is really good and explains things in an honest way. I don't think she will respond negatively to it, and she probably has no idea how much pain you are in. I'm sure when she knows, she will be sympathetic.

 

Does it sound like I'm saying unequivocably I don't want to talk to her again? I don't know that I really want the outcome of us not speaking at all.

 

The sucky thing about this all is that no matter what step I take, it hurts like hell.

[BC1980]

Does it sound like I'm saying unequivocably I don't want to talk to her again? I don't know that I really want the outcome of us not speaking at all.

 

The sucky thing about this all is that no matter what step I take, it hurts like hell.

 

I don't think it sounds like you are saying you will never speak to her again. I didn't get that from the email at all. It sounds like you are saying that you need to take a step back at this point in time, possibly to reevaluate things at a later date.