Fear I am not progressing well in coping, 2

[Zapbasket]

I don't think it sounds like you are saying you will never speak to her again. I didn't get that from the email at all. It sounds like you are saying that you need to take a step back at this point in time, possibly to reevaluate things at a later date.

 

Do you think it's a fair expectation that she meet with me in person as I request? I want to hear her response to what I've said, and I want us to step away from each other with some closure. Also, I think resolving this in person is the kind thing to do. If she were to blow off this request it would hurt me very much. Especially given it has been SHE who has pursued me this whole time; my text to her yesterday to say I was thinking of her was a first this past year. Of course, when K and I were together we more or less took turns calling each other; after the break-up, I knew I was in the thick of dealing with some terrible feelings from which I wanted to spare her and so I held back.

[BC1980]

Do you think it's a fair expectation that she meet with me in person as I request? I want to hear her response to what I've said, and I want us to step away from each other with some closure. Also, I think resolving this in person is the kind thing to do. If she were to blow off this request it would hurt me very much. Especially given it has been SHE who has pursued me this whole time; my text to her yesterday to say I was thinking of her was a first this past year. Of course, when K and I were together we more or less took turns calling each other; after the break-up, I knew I was in the thick of dealing with some terrible feelings from which I wanted to spare her and so I held back.

 

I think it's fair to want to meet in person, but do you think it will set you back? I think it will make you emotional to see her again, knowing it might be the last time. I think that would be difficult to deal with myself. There's no easy way to go about this, and there doesn't seem to be a right or wrong answer. Neither of you has wronged the other, but you are both in the unfortunate position where the person who brought you two together (K) has become a person you must avoid.

 

I still wonder myself how to deal with my ex's family. The one thing I do have going for me is that none of his family lives in the state I live in. I suppose it's a blessing and a curse. Still, it's very sad when I think that I will probably never see them again. They were such a big part of my life, and it makes me extremely sad to know that I will, in all liklihood, never see any of them again. It's bizarre in many ways.

[Zapbasket]

I was all set to respond to you, BC1980, and say that no, I'd much prefer to see anyone in person to talk about something like this, even knowing it might be difficult or painful. That hurts me less than avoidance. I hate avoidance--my own or someone else's; it hurts me more in the long-run than a direct confrontation.

 

And then...D comments on the photo album that I decided to re-post. She says, "Glad we finally caught up with each other for a few." This just threw everything on its head for me. Why did she post that when she knows that K is also a FB friend (mutual), and he'll see it? In March when she and I saw each other, she said K was avoiding her and said it probably wasn't doing me any favors in his eyes that we (meaning she and I) were in contact. So why now be so in K's face that we've been in contact recently?

 

It all just seems weird to me and I am confused, and now second-guessing sending that email. What should I make of her blatant reveal that she and I talk?

[BC1980]

I was all set to respond to you, BC1980, and say that no, I'd much prefer to see anyone in person to talk about something like this, even knowing it might be difficult or painful. That hurts me less than avoidance. I hate avoidance--my own or someone else's; it hurts me more in the long-run than a direct confrontation.

 

And then...D comments on the photo album that I decided to re-post. She says, "Glad we finally caught up with each other for a few." This just threw everything on its head for me. Why did she post that when she knows that K is also a FB friend (mutual), and he'll see it? In March when she and I saw each other, she said K was avoiding her and said it probably wasn't doing me any favors in his eyes that we (meaning she and I) were in contact. So why now be so in K's face that we've been in contact recently?

 

It all just seems weird to me and I am confused, and now second-guessing sending that email. What should I make of her blatant reveal that she and I talk?

 

I think you're reading way too much into all of this, and I don't think his mom has that much of a motive behind it.

[Zapbasket]

I don't know what to think. I do know that K's mom tends to be a bit unthinking in her use of FB. It's just that this pertains to her son--I don't get the impression overall that she has totally dissociated me from K in her mind and in fact, my mom thinks she still harbors some small hope that K and I could reconcile down the line--meaning, where she knows it's not likely and she can't and doesn't count on it, but she still hopes for it as she is so fond of me.

 

And then *my* hope. I'm not saying I'd take him back if he reached out to me to reconcile. There would have to be some major changes--and not just with him but with me, where I'd have to accept certain things that in retrospect I perhaps let bother me too much. (I'm not talking about the big things.) But I can't deny that I do fervently hope he will reach out to initiate that process, and I can't seem to kill that hope.

 

This is where I feel it's perhaps not good for me to continue to keep up with K's mom, D. It stirs up my hopes, but it also confuses me, because I can't 100% tell whether for her it's all water under the bridge and she views me differently, as completely separate from K, or whether some of her impetus to keep up with me is due to her own hopes and/or her interactions with K and some indication with him that the door is not 100% closed. I feel when I talk with her that K and the whole thing around K is the big elephant in the room, and I also feel like I'm standing outside a building where inside, people are talking about something that profoundly affects me, only I can't hear what they're saying, and no one is reporting to me what was said. I don't know if D is on that page with me, or whether it is all water under the bridge for her, and to her I'm just a woman who once dated her son and of whom she is very fond.

 

It's not fair to me to accept this confusion, hence why I wanted to send that email (I am still sitting on it).

 

I know how nuts it is but the truth is that I really miss K and I still love him. I know I want something different out of a relationship than he offered, but that doesn't change my strong feelings for him, and my continued hurt and confusion that he wants nothing to do with me. I could be the most dense woman in the world, or maybe something really was there that I am missing. As the one-year anniversary of our break-up approaches, I find myself hoping a little more that he will reach out to me, because I just cannot imagine that he really could slam the door and never look back.

 

I'll admit, I fear you're all going to yell at me for this, but it's what I feel and it's why I question the wisdom of my keeping up with D. At the same time, this is new territory for me in that I broke up with someone where we live in a small town and everyone knows everyone, and I didn't pick up and move away this time in an effort to cope, and his family is wanting to keep up with me to some extent. I've never had these kinds of circumstances before, so I don't know how to deal with it all and I feel like I'm stumbling around, a headless chicken.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

I don't think she meant anything other than what she said: namely, that she's glad you two had a chance to catch up. If she really believed that would hurt her son, she wouldn't have posted it. Furthermore, if she really did want you two to reconcile, she would have said so.

 

Go ahead and send the email if you want, but it sounds like you're desperately holding on to every little action as some kind of proof that you still have a chance. We've all done it. I think your best bet would be to drop the email and focus on a new social circle.

[Zapbasket]

Furthermore, if she really did want you two to reconcile, she would have said so.

 

She has, and in her actions in the months immediately after the breakup she clearly indicated she did not agree with her son's decision or actions executing it. I know she and K's whole family really wanted us to work out; it was very obvious throughout the relationship.

 

You're right in what you say. I think that kind of welcome and group desire for you to be a part of it is a really hard thing to let go of. For me it is, anyway. They really embraced me and it felt wonderful...even while after some distance I do recognize how K's mom's urging for me to make light of some of K's behaviors that hurt me contradicts that.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

She may have said that in the months following, but it's been nearly a year. She will always welcome you in her life as a special friend. If the interactions really hurt that much, then you should explain why you can't be in contact anymore, but you have to stop assuming that she wants her son to get back together with you. Have you been dating or going out at all?

[Minneloa]

GC,

 

I understand that you are in a lot of emotional pain right now, and I do not wish to disregard your feelings of hurt and confusion. However, the degree to which you are scrutinizing and ruminating about your interactions with your ex's mom seems out of proportion nearly a year after the break up. From your posts as I read them, it appears that small, seemingly inconsequential incidents (a FB like or comment) are sending you into obsessive mental spirals from which you struggle to extricate yourself. This, coupled with the deep and unrelenting feelings of despair you have expressed, makes me concerned that you might be dealing with a depressive episode triggered by your loss and its attendant grief. If this is the case, your brain might have a chemical imbalance that could respond to medication. Have you made an appointment with your doctor? I think it is well worth checking out other potential avenues of healing and relief at this point.

 

M.

Edited July 29, 2014 by Minneloa

[BC1980]

GC,

 

I understand that you are in a lot of emotional pain right now, and I do not wish to disregard your feelings of hurt and confusion. However, the degree to which you are scrutinizing and ruminating about your interactions with your ex's mom seems out of proportion nearly a year after the break up. From your posts as I read them, it appears that small, seemingly inconsequential incidents (a FB like or comment) are sending you into obsessive mental spirals from which you struggle to extricate yourself. This, coupled with the deep and unrelenting feelings of despair you have expressed, makes me concerned that you might be dealing with a depressive episode triggered by your loss and its attendant grief. If this is the case, your brain might have a chemical imbalance that could respond to medication. Have you made an appointment with your doctor? I think it is well worth checking out other potential avenues of healing and relief at this point.

 

M.

 

GC, I think you might also have some anxiety. Actions on the part of your ex's mom that seem simple to us have you spiraling to a degree that is not healthy. Again, I don't think his mom is worried that deeply about what she is doing, but my concern is you. I'm concerned with the level of excessive searching and rumination at this point.

 

Remind me again how long you have been NC. I don't think it's been that long, am I right? Weren't you checking out his profile on a dating site?

[Zapbasket]

I don't know what to say, guys. I can't seem to let go, or the process is so slow-going and difficult it sometimes feels like nothing is moving forward. I know it's a lot harder for me than usual in part because we live in such close proximity, in such a small town that it's impossible to completely shut K and his family out. Social media is the LAST of my worries.

 

For instance, just as I type this, I hear my phone ring here at work, and it's D calling me. Her message was so garbled I think she must have butt-dialed me....

 

This breakup has really affected me and I don't fully understand why. I think I have a great grasp on the whole dynamic intellectually; my emotions are slower than slow in catching up.

 

I spoke with several very close friends and they corroborated what I feel: that it's not a chemical imbalance that is getting me, but rather some things from my past that are shaping the story I have told myself about this relationship and everything that has followed. I did see a physician back in the winter because I was concerned, and he put me on a low dose of Valium so that I could sleep more consistently. He didn't feel I needed antidepressants, either. It helped and finally I was able to get sufficient sleep without the meds.

 

What can I say, K really hurt me. I feel betrayed--most of all by my own perceptions. I thought I was dealing with one thing when the whole time, seemingly it was something else entirely. It's really confusing and I don't know why I can't fully get "un-confused."

 

Thanks for all your thoughts.

[hoping2heal]

GreenCove,

 

Are you reeling from the loss of the relationship, or the loss of what never fully materialized in your relationship, despite the heavy time commitment that you put into it?

 

Have read some of your past threads and it's pretty clear to me this guy was never going to give you what you needed and wanted. So, let's suppose you two never broke up at all and then your threads would be about your frustration at the time and love invested into the relationship and the fact that in spite of that, your boyfriend still isn't on the same page as you.

 

 

Hanging onto the hurt at least gives you something to show for that relationship - which you yourself have said was a lot of work and we know it was 3.5 years of your life, too so this hurt is something to show for all your effort, as opposed to the empty hand this guy left you.

 

It's devastating to know we can work so hard at something, and still not get the payoff at the end. Painful part of life and a hard fact to accept, I get that.

[Zapbasket]

GreenCove,

 

Are you reeling from the loss of the relationship, or the loss of what never fully materialized in your relationship, despite the heavy time commitment that you put into it?

 

Both. Definitely both. There were a lot of situational things about the relationship that could have been so awesome if only we had been awesome together. And yeah--I was 100% present for this relationship, and it blows my mind how little effort he actually put in and then in the end he just let it slide off his lap and fall away as though it mattered not a whit to him. And he let his family fall in love with me, and me with them, and let all that unfold right before his eyes and he did nothing. Not only do I completely not understand such a mentality, I find it hard not to take it very personally even though everyone assures me it is NOT personal. It just f*cking hurts something fierce.

 

And I think I'm feeling a fresh wave of it now, too, because his mom told me he's working as a fishing guide on the family ranch on weekends and it's so frustrating because this was an option for him all along, and he did nothing. He just coasted. My friends all tell me that this one change hardly indicates he's suddenly all full of get up and go that never manifested while we were together...but it is something, whereas all the while we were together everything he did was half-hearted, if he did anything at all. Even taking responsibility for his apathy was half-hearted or non-existent while we were together. And yet he never acknowledged how that might greatly have afffected our relationship.

 

Yeah, that really, really hurts.

 

Have read some of your past threads and it's pretty clear to me this guy was never going to give you what you needed and wanted.

 

I know this sounds very mentally slow of me but...can you just tell me what IN YOUR PERCEPTION makes this clear to you? LIke, what do you see in the threads you read? I just seem not to be getting it.

 

Hanging onto the hurt at least gives you something to show for that relationship - which you yourself have said was a lot of work and we know it was 3.5 years of your life, too so this hurt is something to show for all your effort, as opposed to the empty hand this guy left you.

 

Yes, exactly. I just cannot wrap my mind around the emptiness, the lack of real effort while saying all the time he loves me, the...LACK.... I just don't get it at all.

[Zapbasket]

Oh, and I want to add that I think because of what I say above, about the LACK, I have strong feelings about his mom because she really inserted herself in our relationship and picked up his slack throughout. That alone demonstrated to me that she sees what I saw with K and unfortunately one reason he became this way is BECAUSE she has enabled him. Really, she put more effort into our relationship than he did, and he didn't seem to mind a bit.

 

I think this is why her facebook posts and such leave such a mark on me, and confuse me. She always was this spokesperson for him, and so I wonder, has that stopped; what is going on?

 

So she got all entangled in the relationship dynamics during the relationship, and now I'm entangled in her entanglement and having never been in such a dynamic, I don't know how to extricate myself without hurting her or myself more than is necessary...but at the same time I feel things could get really hurtful if I am not honest about how all this affects me.

 

I really feel at a loss for how to handle this situation with her. Do I send that email, or not? I still can't decide.

[hoping2heal]

I know this sounds very mentally slow of me but...can you just tell me what IN YOUR PERCEPTION makes this clear to you? LIke, what do you see in the threads you read? I just seem not to be getting it.

 

Sure! (Some of these things will be post what I read - but since they back up my point I'll add them and hopefully it might help you, also)

 

"There were a lot of situational things about the relationship that could have been so awesome if only we had been awesome together. And yeah--I was 100% present for this relationship, and it blows my mind how little effort he actually put in"

 

"My friends all tell me that this one change hardly indicates he's suddenly all full of get up and go that never manifested while we were together."

 

"I just cannot wrap my mind around the emptiness, the lack of real effort while saying all the time he loves me"

 

"He SPOKE values, when we were a couple, that were simpatico with mine, but he ACTED completely different values,"

 

"

All throughout the relationship I had this nagging intuition that said the relationship wasn't working and could not work mainly owing to a web of serious emotional issues on my bf's part "

"that while I do appreciate and even love many things about him, his teasing, abrasiveness, irritability, lack of trust, impatience, and negativity pervade everything and are things I just cannot tolerate. He gets annoyed with me the majority of the time; he treats me worse than he treats pure strangers; and the dynamic is just not one I can bear long-term. "

 

"I feel bad because I have implicitly condoned this behavior by not getting the hell out of the relationship, when in truth nothing about this relationship matches what I'm ultimately looking for in a long-term partnership. "

 

"My relationship always felt like a lot of work and I felt dissatisfied and disrespected much of the time."

 

"He also avoided any talk about the future, even after two years into the relationship, which is enough of a problem on its own but then he also had no future plans for himself, whatsoever. "

 

"His love was not the kind of mature, self-reflective, self-aware love that I needed, or that is necessary for there to be a true bond."

 

Maybe being able to read all this back will help you to understand why it was so clear to me that this man wasn't going to meet your needs, and if you were still together today, you wouldn't be satisfied. I think you would still be sad and unhappy as you are now - except for different reasons. Trading one shoe for the other. Except if you were together - the outlook for you would be even more bleak because that would be what you had resigned yourself too. With him gone, you are at least free to seek a relationship that WILL meet your needs.

[hoping2heal]

Oh, and I want to add that I think because of what I say above, about the LACK, I have strong feelings about his mom because she really inserted herself in our relationship and picked up his slack throughout. That alone demonstrated to me that she sees what I saw with K and unfortunately one reason he became this way is BECAUSE she has enabled him. Really, she put more effort into our relationship than he did, and he didn't seem to mind a bit.

 

I'm really hesitant to believe he became this way because of his Mother at all. He, at any time could have put an end to it and he didn't. That isn't his Mom's fault. He was being who he is, and his Mom caring about the two of you (though I strongly disagree with her actions, I believe she meant well with them) tried to bridge the gaps for who her son really is and what kind of partner in a relationship he will be.

 

 

I think this is why her facebook posts and such leave such a mark on me, and confuse me. She always was this spokesperson for him, and so I wonder, has that stopped; what is going on?

 

So she got all entangled in the relationship dynamics during the relationship, and now I'm entangled in her entanglement and having never been in such a dynamic, I don't know how to extricate myself without hurting her or myself more than is necessary...but at the same time I feel things could get really hurtful if I am not honest about how all this affects me.

I really feel at a loss for how to handle this situation with her. Do I send that email, or not? I still can't decide.

 

Have a candid but gracious discussion with her. Let her know how much you have grown to care about her but that having her in your life right now is a component that holds you back from moving forward. Let her know you want to focus on your healing and that because she is his Mother - it is difficult to not feel continually dragged back in. I think she will understand. You need to do what is best for you and she really needs to get out of her son's relationship dynamics - this may be what helps both of you to finally get where you need to be.

[BC1980]

I don't know what to say, guys. I can't seem to let go, or the process is so slow-going and difficult it sometimes feels like nothing is moving forward. I know it's a lot harder for me than usual in part because we live in such close proximity, in such a small town that it's impossible to completely shut K and his family out. Social media is the LAST of my worries.

 

For instance, just as I type this, I hear my phone ring here at work, and it's D calling me. Her message was so garbled I think she must have butt-dialed me....

 

This breakup has really affected me and I don't fully understand why. I think I have a great grasp on the whole dynamic intellectually; my emotions are slower than slow in catching up.

 

I spoke with several very close friends and they corroborated what I feel: that it's not a chemical imbalance that is getting me, but rather some things from my past that are shaping the story I have told myself about this relationship and everything that has followed. I did see a physician back in the winter because I was concerned, and he put me on a low dose of Valium so that I could sleep more consistently. He didn't feel I needed antidepressants, either. It helped and finally I was able to get sufficient sleep without the meds.

 

What can I say, K really hurt me. I feel betrayed--most of all by my own perceptions. I thought I was dealing with one thing when the whole time, seemingly it was something else entirely. It's really confusing and I don't know why I can't fully get "un-confused."

 

Thanks for all your thoughts.

 

GC, I think it simply comes down to emotions. Truly loving another person is deep stuff that might not ever go away. I've been NC for 7 plus months, and it still hurts pretty badly when I think of my ex. It still pains me greatly when I remember our time together, and I still miss him. Despite knowing that he didn't accept me as a person and apparently did not love me unconditionally, I still love him in some way. I'm still deeply saddened when I think that I will never share another memory with him, and that he is the reason for that. It f*cking hurts that he decided his life was better without me in his future.

 

I think we can use all the logic in the world but, when it comes down to it, we have to accept what has happened and try to move away from it by all means. Deep down, I think it will always still hurt very badly, but I suppose time and distance can make those emotions more difficult to activate.

[Zapbasket]

Sure! (Some of these things will be post what I read - but since they back up my point I'll add them and hopefully it might help you, also)

 

"There were a lot of situational things about the relationship that could have been so awesome if only we had been awesome together. And yeah--I was 100% present for this relationship, and it blows my mind how little effort he actually put in"

 

"My friends all tell me that this one change hardly indicates he's suddenly all full of get up and go that never manifested while we were together."

 

"I just cannot wrap my mind around the emptiness, the lack of real effort while saying all the time he loves me"

 

"He SPOKE values, when we were a couple, that were simpatico with mine, but he ACTED completely different values,"

 

"

All throughout the relationship I had this nagging intuition that said the relationship wasn't working and could not work mainly owing to a web of serious emotional issues on my bf's part "

"that while I do appreciate and even love many things about him, his teasing, abrasiveness, irritability, lack of trust, impatience, and negativity pervade everything and are things I just cannot tolerate. He gets annoyed with me the majority of the time; he treats me worse than he treats pure strangers; and the dynamic is just not one I can bear long-term. "

 

"I feel bad because I have implicitly condoned this behavior by not getting the hell out of the relationship, when in truth nothing about this relationship matches what I'm ultimately looking for in a long-term partnership. "

 

"My relationship always felt like a lot of work and I felt dissatisfied and disrespected much of the time."

 

"He also avoided any talk about the future, even after two years into the relationship, which is enough of a problem on its own but then he also had no future plans for himself, whatsoever. "

 

"His love was not the kind of mature, self-reflective, self-aware love that I needed, or that is necessary for there to be a true bond."

 

Maybe being able to read all this back will help you to understand why it was so clear to me that this man wasn't going to meet your needs, and if you were still together today, you wouldn't be satisfied. I think you would still be sad and unhappy as you are now - except for different reasons. Trading one shoe for the other. Except if you were together - the outlook for you would be even more bleak because that would be what you had resigned yourself too. With him gone, you are at least free to seek a relationship that WILL meet your needs.

 

Thank you for taking the time to do this. I agree with what you say about trading one shoe for the other. It almost would be easier if he were just an out-and-out jerk; his "jerkiness" was more subtle. There was just enough to keep me around, hoping, but not enough for there to be a dynamic relationship, full of mutuality, laughter and progression toward common goals.

 

I think perhaps what I struggle with most is why I stuck around and didn't insist on more. Well, I did insist on more, but to him, rather than leaving.

[Zapbasket]

 

I think we can use all the logic in the world but, when it comes down to it, we have to accept what has happened and try to move away from it by all means. Deep down, I think it will always still hurt very badly, but I suppose time and distance can make those emotions more difficult to activate.

 

I feel absolutely exhausted by my disappointment, confusion and sadness. Do you relate?

[Zapbasket]

The one-year anniversary of our breakup is coming up in a couple of weeks (August 23). Our birthdays both are a month after that. I'm experiencing a whole new wave of grief as I contemplate the idea that we may never be in each others' lives again. It has been a very hard week this past week. I keep running into him, not face to face, but in the parking lot of our local grocery store. Last week I had just exited my car and was adjusting my sandals before walking into Whole Foods when K pulled in in his truck. I entered the store and briskly walked across the store to the other entrance, where I planned to quietly make my exit as I didn't want to face him. I stepped slowly out onto the sidewalk only to see that he had obviously seen me, turned around, and left without ever even leaving his truck.

 

Then, tonight at another local grocery, I was leaving the store with my purchases, walking toward my car when he pulled up and took me completely by surprise. He parked in my row but about 5 spaces away from me, and I had to pass his truck to exit the lot. He stayed in his truck not only until I passed, but until my car was out of sight, out of the lot and up the frontage road.

 

In the past three weeks, I've passed him also a lot on the road, him going one way, me another, and every time he turns to look at me.

 

It's getting to be unbearable to me. It feels ridiculous that we keep encountering each other, and then avoiding each other in this small town where it's INEVITABLE we will eventually, UNAVOIDABLY encounter one another face to face. It's against my nature and it feels like complete BS; I am not avoidant, generally; it seems to me that especially when you have to go out of your way to avoid someone, you may as well just bite the bullet and confront them and whatever situation you have between you head-on.

 

I haven't contacted him since October 13, when he emailed me to say he wanted our relationship done, and that "any communication between us feels daunting" and "to be true to me, and also you, I need to focus on myself." I didn't fight him on it even though I was shocked and hurt, and I felt that given he was the one to sever ties, it was up to him to seek to resume contact if that was what he wanted down the line.

 

Also, I haven't contacted him because I felt that would just perpetuate an unhealthy dynamic in our relationship, where I did most or even all of the work to keep it going. I had a big problem with his apathy and I had told him so many times before getting out of my mind with frustration. Ultimately it was what broke us up. So I felt that if we were to have any chance at any level of reconciliation--whether getting back together or burying the hatchet and having a meaningful conversation--he would have to be the one to initiate.

 

But what if at this point I just bit the bullet and initiated? What if tonight, instead of driving away, I had just set my groceries in my car and walked over to his truck and knocked on the driver's side window? Do you think anything positive could ensue, conversation-wise, from that?

 

Maybe I'm crazy, or tired. Or tired AND crazy....

[hoping2heal]

I don't know...

 

I don't think its the worst idea I have ever heard of. But...

 

What are you gaining? I mean, you want to reconcile and it's quite clear. Imagine you talk and you two decide to reconcile. OK, and now what are you getting? The same relationship that left you feeling frustrated and unsatisfied?

 

No one else on this board has to live your life or live with your choices. If you want to resign yourself to being in that kind of relationship then that is certainly your prerogative. I do get the impression that even being unhappy in your relationship and feeling frustrated and put down is somehow seen as a better alternative to you, than being on your own and without him.

 

Doesn't sound like he's changed one iota, so I think IF you two were to reconcile, you'd be going back to exactly the unhappiness that you left.

 

Then of course, there is the possibility he doesn't want to reconcile with you at all.

 

If you think you need to break NC, then do it. Do I think it seems like a good relationship for you? Absolutely not. But, you are stuck in this zone of remembering the past as better than it was and it's keeping you held in a stalemate. You spent a number of years venting your frustrations, unhappiness, and sharing that you believed this really wasn't what you wanted long term, etc. and you still had to ask me why I thought this guy wasn't going to give you what you wanted.

 

I mean if that isn't an obvious sign it's not a good relationship, I don't know what is. But as I said, you still seem to view being in a poor relationship as better than being in no relationship. This is your life and not mine. I have no desires to see anyone in a relationship like the one you've spent years describing but as the saying goes, you can't make the horse drink just because you've brought him to water.

 

It's always possible that a confrontation will help bring you some clarity on why it ended and maybe that will help you to finally start accepting so you can move on?

[Zapbasket]

I worried when I said "reconcile" and said that could be "getting back together" that it would come across that I thought getting back together was a) desirable or b) possible.

 

I didn't quite mean it that way. I mean, sure, in a perfect world, K would have had this huge epiphany, done a bunch of work on himself, and be wanting to talk to me but simply afraid of how I'd receive him and ashamed of his past behavior. We would talk and instantly I'd see how he'd changed and become more aware of himself, more humble and more patient. We'd talk things out and decide to take it slowly and the dynamic would be so noticeably better I'd lose any reservations I had about a reconciliation being a good idea.

 

But, I know that is highly unlikely. I'd love to believe he'd grown and changed, but nothing suggests that he's done a damned thing.

 

I think the outcome I'm really, realistically talking about is one where we can have a meaningful talk, yes, but where the end goal is just to mutually acknowledge the good parts we had and to get to a place where we feel we can encounter each other and be able to say hi, catch up, etc. And what that would do is free up the lines of communication so that I can feel like I don't have to avoid his family, and so that it will be easier for his mom and me to interact since no matter what we continue to interact at work.

 

This thing of living in such close proximity yet not speaking and going out of our way to avoid each other feels so, so high school and completely unnecessary and if there were a way to not have it be this way, why not take proactive steps to meliorate the situation? I KNOW we are going to come face to face eventually; why not have that first time be one WE choose?

 

Am I making sense? Or is even this truly impossible given the person I'm dealing with?

[Zapbasket]

Again, to be clear, I DON'T want to go back to the same relationship I had. I had said this exact thing to his mom back in September when she came to my house to talk after he'd told her we'd broken up. I said we needed to change the dynamic between us and said we needed some time alone to make that change. I said I didn't see it taking only a month or two, but longer.

 

So when I speak of reconciliation, I mean where we could have a DIFFERENT, happier dynamic. I do so, so, so wish that were possible with K; I do. But maybe this is me thinking he has capabilities he actually does not--which was the same fallacy that kept me in the relationship longer than I should have stayed. It's confusing stuff because I did and do care about him a lot, and his family, too, and then they all keep flashing in front of my face as I do my thing around town, and it feels like it shouldn't have to be this way.

[sunshinegirl]

See my edits to your post below...

 

I worried when I said "reconcile" and said that could be "getting back together" that it would come across that I thought getting back together was a) desirable or b) possible.

 

I didn't quite mean it that way. I mean, sure, in a perfect world, K would have had this huge epiphany, done a bunch of work on himself, and be wanting to talk to me but simply afraid of how I'd receive him and ashamed of his past behavior. We would talk and instantly I'd see how he'd changed and become more aware of himself, more humble and more patient. We'd talk things out and decide to take it slowly and the dynamic would be so noticeably better I'd lose any reservations I had about a reconciliation being a good idea.

 

But, I know that is highly unlikely. fantastical, magical thinking. I'd love to believe he'd grown and changed, but nothing suggests that he's done a damned thing.

 

I think the outcome I'm really, realistically talking about is one where we can have a meaningful talk, yes, but where the end goal is just to mutually acknowledge the good parts we had and to get to a place where we feel we can encounter each other and be able to say hi, catch up, etc. And what that would do is free up the lines of communication so that I can feel like I don't have to avoid his family, and so that it will be easier for his mom and me to interact since no matter what we continue to interact at work. I want to ultimately control how things end and how we interact with each other, and I am struggling to accept the fact that I can't control this situation.

 

This thing of living in such close proximity yet not speaking and going out of our way to avoid each other feels so, so high school and completely unnecessary and if there were a way to not have it be this way, why not take proactive steps to meliorate the situation? I KNOW we are going to come face to face eventually; why not have that first time be one WE choose? I am going to keep thinking about how to have contact with him so I can keep feeding the fantasy that he can/will change and I can have the happy ending I always wanted. I'm going to keep thinking along these lines because focusing on me and my future feels far, far scarier than ruminating on my past.

 

Am I making sense? Or is even this truly impossible given the person I'm dealing with?

 

How often are you seeing your counselor these days? You've had some setbacks that you don't seem to be bouncing back from; you might benefit from more frequent in-person support right now.

Edited August 7, 2014 by sunshinegirl

[Minneloa]

GC,

 

I am concerned about you and your continued, laser-like focus on your ex, his activities/whereabouts, and his family. As sunshinegirl pointed out, all this attention on him could be better spent on yourself and your own plans for the future. In particular, I feel that cultivating fantasies of renewed contact is detrimental to your healing. Yes, you will likely run into him at some point. Yes, it will be painful. But that is what happens after a break-up. I worry that you are still in denial about the finality of the situation. I know it is distressing, but your ties with this person have been severed for almost a year. I know this is not what you wanted. I know that you wish there was a way to have amicable relations between the two of you. But that is not the current reality of the situation. Rather, you are still deeply wounded by the breakup and his behavior and silence since the split. Simply put, the bridge isn't yours to mend, and all the energy you are pouring into thinking about repairing the rift is wasted. However you can, please try to take the focus off of him and put it on yourself. I think that one small, but important, step would be to delete him from Facebook as a way to acknowledge that he is no longer in your life.

 

Sending good thoughts,

M.