Fear I am not progressing well in coping, 2

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Oh, GC, I wish I could hug you. I know exactly how you feel, because when I had that realization I was helpless with grief for nearly a day. I don't think I even made it out of bed. It was horrible and crushing, yes, but there's another side to it that you will see in time---you're free. It's over. You no longer have to put so much energy into these possibilities and anxieties because they no longer matter. It's done. You're going to survive this completely earth-shattering hurt and be a stronger person because of it.

 

And you're right that you don't need a break-up to change. In all of my best relationships I've done a fair amount of self-improvement because I was motivated by a desire to be the best version of myself, for the sake of my relationship and my partner.

[Zapbasket]

But really, would it be such a bad thing? How do you think your life would be different if he never spoke to you again? 5 years from now? 10, and still nothing? 50?

 

Well, I went through something very similar with my 2007 ex, and we never spoke again. It's not a daily pain like it was, for a long time. But I do think that had we had an opportunity to talk, meaningfully, about what happened between us, it would have helped heal so many things. I can only speak for myself when I say it would have been deeply healing, but I can imagine that in some respects, even if he didn't recognize it was needed, it would have been healing for him, too.

 

I know we talk on here all the time about healing comes from within, etc.--and it's TRUE--but I think when there is love that remains, the unrequited aspect and non-communication lingers in our hearts, and undermines that healing. I really believe that, and I experience it within myself. I firmly believe that had Jeff, my 2007 ex, allowed for us to have had a meaningful conversation, or series of them, ideally, post-break-up (and if he'd not broken off so unilaterally and abruptly and coldly), it would have helped me a lot over these last 5 or so years since moving out west. Jeff remains as an experience in my heart with a mangled ending, and it chaffs me just a little every day...and I know it goes much deeper than that, and radiates out into areas that are not about Jeff, too.

 

WE CAN HELP HEAL EACH OTHERS' HEARTS, THROUGH KINDNESS, EMPATHY, INTEGRITY AND COURAGE. I believe that so deeply, I try to make it my own Golden Rule in the way I conduct myself around others.

 

So, in sum, yes, I believe my life would be different, and better, if K and I could open the lines of communication. I think it would enable me to keep up some measure of relationship with his family, even if we both end up with other people. And I think we could be of help to each other in life, even from a distance. It really would mean a lot to me if he reached out.

 

I know some of my posts may not come across as the most supportive, and I know I ask a whole lot of questions. I only ask these questions because when people ask me questions and I have to come to the answer myself, the realization is empowering. But just know that I, and everyone else here is in your corner.

 

I think your posts are very helpful--empathic and wise both. I think I often come here when I'm feeling lowest of low and it feels like the emotional equivalent of bleeding all over the place. So, if I'm already sensitive, when I'm on here I'm even more so! But I love your questions; they are thought-provoking (and I ask a lot of questions, too).

[Zapbasket]

Oh, GC, I wish I could hug you. I know exactly how you feel, because when I had that realization I was helpless with grief for nearly a day. I don't think I even made it out of bed. It was horrible and crushing, yes, but there's another side to it that you will see in time---you're free. It's over. You no longer have to put so much energy into these possibilities and anxieties because they no longer matter. It's done. You're going to survive this completely earth-shattering hurt and be a stronger person because of it.

 

I know this question is coming from a very small, pathetic part of me but today has been a rough if productive day so I have to ask: ...but is it not POSSIBLE that out of the rubble of the shattered expectations, an ex can unexpectedly return, genuinely wanting reconciliation and contrite about their part in the relationship's demise? Is that really IMPOSSIBLE, after a year of silence?

 

And you're right that you don't need a break-up to change. In all of my best relationships I've done a fair amount of self-improvement because I was motivated by a desire to be the best version of myself, for the sake of my relationship and my partner.

 

Again, coming from the pathetic part of me: why couldn't my ex have been motivated to really try while we were together? After all, I had all sorts of trials in being new to town and the economic downturn and being in a different culture than the East-Coast Overachiever culture I was part of in my former life. And I NEVER gave up trying. When the relationship ended, I just kept on with my same efforts and sadly, only AFTER the relationship ended did they finally result in a decent year-round, full-time job. If he didn't want to try for ME, for US, during the relationship, why not try for himself? It's the apathy I witnessed in so many areas that really confused me, because he claimed to really, really love me.

[BC1980]

I'm sorry if I'm sounding snippy. It finally has come into my awareness that it's entirely possible K and I are never going to interact meaningfully again. All year I never even considered that a real possibility. I hurt so f*cking bad. Today I'm dealing with it by staying home and cleaning my home from top to bottom, just trying to purge physically what I can't purge mentally, in hopes the former will help with the latter.

 

But it hurts so so sososososo bad. It just never seemed like it had to be this way. I never saw this as even a remote possibility

 

You aren't going to have a meaningful conversation with him again, and you probably won't even talk to him again unless it's by chance. This idea of talking to him again has kept you mired in grief. You can't make any real progress. I completely understand why you want to talk to him again. The alternative, which you are now realizing, is really, really painful. There are no words for how painful it is, but these are feelings that must be dealt with. You must feel the entirely of how awful it is that you will never see him again, so you can fully come to grips with it. Right now, your denial is keeping you simply wading in the waters of grief, never fully feeling the end of the relationship. You are living in a fantasy because the reality is just so painful.

 

I do understand what you are going through. I stayed in contact with my ex for 8 months to varying degrees. I always held out that hope that he would change or that we would have the same meaningful conversation you want with K. Only when I went NC with the intent to never speak to him again did I feel the full onslaught of depression and hopelessness. I can say that it will be short term. A very short part of your life if you look at the big picture. Now, it is so much more bearable, and I am truly coming to acceptance in my own time. But you really must kill all hope of ever contacting him again. Doing that is an absolute must if you want to get through this. Otherwise, you will continue to analyze and stay mired in your grief, and you are far too young to do that.

[Zapbasket]

BC1980, you use the word, "kill," when you talk about hope, as in, "killing hope." How do you KILL it--by which I'm assuming you mean, eliminate it entirely?

 

And I mean, eliminate it from within. In this and past situations, just when I think I've gotten it all, there's another ant-sized army of hope marching up some corridor in my subconscious. And as I said, in the past I MOVED across the country in an attempt to kill hope, and still it didn't work, nor did it free me to resolve the issues stirred up and produced by the loss of that relationship, and that person, from my life.

[BC1980]

BC1980, you use the word, "kill," when you talk about hope, as in, "killing hope." How do you KILL it--by which I'm assuming you mean, eliminate it entirely?

 

And I mean, eliminate it from within. In this and past situations, just when I think I've gotten it all, there's another ant-sized army of hope marching up some corridor in my subconscious. And as I said, in the past I MOVED across the country in an attempt to kill hope, and still it didn't work, nor did it free me to resolve the issues stirred up and produced by the loss of that relationship, and that person, from my life.

 

Yes, I meant to completely get rid of hope, but I think it takes awhile to do that. I think you keep up the fantasy of him contacting you or the two of you being on good terms to distract you from the finality of the relationship ending. It's tough to say you will never see the person again. However, it's a short term pain. Most of the rumination you do is focused on K, and I think that gives you a distraction from having to focus on yourself and figure out how to move on.

[Zapbasket]

Please don't kill me. I'm just thinking out loud about all the ways I can best help myself move forward.

 

One thing I know is skewering me down is the sense of no closure. I know we say, "Closure comes from within," and it is true, but it is also true that sometimes relationships end with people being able to evaluate and discuss what is happening as it dissolves, and sometimes they end abruptly, with no explanation and a surprising shift in one person's attitude and behavior that leaves the other person stunned.

 

I don't care how Zen a person is about it, the latter kind of breakup, when you are on the receiving end, sits in your psyche no matter how proactive you are about moving forward. My best friend recently admitted to me that it took her SEVEN years before she was able to overcome one breakup, where the guy just disappeared on her, with no explanation, nothing. They only dated about 5 months. It's not like she sat in her room during those 7 years, wallowing in her grief. Just like no matter how much I ruminate on here, I'm still making a concerted effort to get through this. I even have a phone date with a guy I met online later this week, and a job interview on Friday, and I just mega-cleaned my apartment top to bottom.

 

So what about just confronting everything head-on, and reaching out to K. via mail, to tell him what I've said many times on here: that I said I respected his decision to cut off the relationship, but that the truth is, I don't understand. That I understand that maybe the relationship had to end, but the way he just stopped communicating near the end while he assured me up and down he wanted in, and then just quitting, really put me in a spin about the true nature of our relationship over the years. That maybe it's not so much answers I'm seeking from him, but just some kind of better closure, because I care about him and his family an awful lot, and I'm finding it difficult to move on without this closure. That if he really doesn't care and doesn't feel any unfinished business between us, and has been silent because he truly never wants to see or speak to me again, it makes me feel like the whole relationship was a lie, and I don't think it was. Where I ask if he would be willing to meet with me, and if not, then please not to say so in an email, but to say so with silence. Where I tell him that if he doesn't respond within 3 weeks, I'll take his silence to mean he feels no need to ever face me again, and that will be my answer, and I will never reach out to him or his mother or anyone in his family, ever again, and nor will I approach him if I see him.

 

That way, I could take his silence as a definitive, intentional answer, and not as him hiding or avoiding.

 

Sunshinegirl said this was the equivalent of walking into an inferno, but is it possible that what will get burned is any vestige of the relationship we had, and NOT me? I can't help but wonder whether this could be a good tactic to take, since continuing in no contact, especially with the possibility of an encounter in our small quarters, feels so very difficult and hurtful to me.

 

Thoughts? Like I said, I am just musing, just weighing all my options. Perhaps sometimes finding out the ugly truth is better than always wondering, "What if?". Perhaps?

 

Edited to add: And this goes for his mother, too. That I reach out to her along the lines of what I outlined a few pages ago on this thread, and find out whether we are on the same page about possibly salvaging a relationship separate from K., or whether we agree to ____.

Edited August 11, 2014 by GreenCove

[mightycpa]

You know, there is another way I've seen people get over their loves. They literally force themselves on their exes, and the exes don't like it, and the dumpees force the exes to get a little mean. They see a side of the person that they didn't know existed, and they get to hear the people they love tear them down. It is almost like magnifying the end of the relationship, had it kept going.

 

For example, I once dated a girl who fell for me, and she became very clingy. I didn't like her that much, and once she got clingy, I REALLY didn't like her, so I told her I didn't want to see her anymore. But she wouldn't listen, and would literally come over and beg me to be with her. She told me she'd do anything, and so I put her to the test. Every day, I'd make her do stuff, some sexual, some cleaning, whatever I wanted or needed, and I'd reward her with one more somewhat enthusiastic night in my bed. Then I'd dump her again the next morning. That lasted about two weeks, and she ended up despising me once she found her self-respect. Are you thinking of going that kind of route?

 

With technology though, there may be another option:

 

Have your ex record a video for you that goes over all the fine points:

 

NOTE: Make sure he says your name often!

He doesn't love you anymore

He doesn't want to be with you

Lists your faults in great detail

Tells you about his new girl, and how great she is (or they are)

Tells you about some fantasies he wants to fulfill with others

 

Then, anytime you feel like you need him, just play the video.

 

Other than that, I think the answer is just hard work.

[BC1980]

Please don't kill me. I'm just thinking out loud about all the ways I can best help myself move forward.

 

One thing I know is skewering me down is the sense of no closure. I know we say, "Closure comes from within," and it is true, but it is also true that sometimes relationships end with people being able to evaluate and discuss what is happening as it dissolves, and sometimes they end abruptly, with no explanation and a surprising shift in one person's attitude and behavior that leaves the other person stunned.

 

I don't care how Zen a person is about it, the latter kind of breakup, when you are on the receiving end, sits in your psyche no matter how proactive you are about moving forward. My best friend recently admitted to me that it took her SEVEN years before she was able to overcome one breakup, where the guy just disappeared on her, with no explanation, nothing. They only dated about 5 months. It's not like she sat in her room during those 7 years, wallowing in her grief. Just like no matter how much I ruminate on here, I'm still making a concerted effort to get through this. I even have a phone date with a guy I met online later this week, and a job interview on Friday, and I just mega-cleaned my apartment top to bottom.

 

So what about just confronting everything head-on, and reaching out to K. via mail, to tell him what I've said many times on here: that I said I respected his decision to cut off the relationship, but that the truth is, I don't understand. That I understand that maybe the relationship had to end, but the way he just stopped communicating near the end while he assured me up and down he wanted in, and then just quitting, really put me in a spin about the true nature of our relationship over the years. That maybe it's not so much answers I'm seeking from him, but just some kind of better closure, because I care about him and his family an awful lot, and I'm finding it difficult to move on without this closure. That if he really doesn't care and doesn't feel any unfinished business between us, and has been silent because he truly never wants to see or speak to me again, it makes me feel like the whole relationship was a lie, and I don't think it was. Where I ask if he would be willing to meet with me, and if not, then please not to say so in an email, but to say so with silence. Where I tell him that if he doesn't respond within 3 weeks, I'll take his silence to mean he feels no need to ever face me again, and that will be my answer, and I will never reach out to him or his mother or anyone in his family, ever again, and nor will I approach him if I see him.

 

That way, I could take his silence as a definitive, intentional answer, and not as him hiding or avoiding.

 

Sunshinegirl said this was the equivalent of walking into an inferno, but is it possible that what will get burned is any vestige of the relationship we had, and NOT me? I can't help but wonder whether this could be a good tactic to take, since continuing in no contact, especially with the possibility of an encounter in our small quarters, feels so very difficult and hurtful to me.

 

Thoughts? Like I said, I am just musing, just weighing all my options. Perhaps sometimes finding out the ugly truth is better than always wondering, "What if?". Perhaps?

 

Edited to add: And this goes for his mother, too. That I reach out to her along the lines of what I outlined a few pages ago on this thread, and find out whether we are on the same page about possibly salvaging a relationship separate from K., or whether we agree to ____.

 

I will tell you what happened from my personal experience. My breakup was the exact opposite of yours. My ex was actually as kind and considerate as he could be when he dumped me. Of course, there is no nice way to do it, but the actual act if him doing it was pretty decent. He talked with me at length about his reasons, but I still didn't understand, I don't understand to this day, and we had at least three meaningful, calm discussions at my request. I'm sure he consented because he felt guilt and an obligation to talk to me. Those discussions never helped me find closure for several reasons.

 

One, the answer to a breakup is usually not black and white. It's likely to be that the person no longer FEELS they want to be with you, which is very nebulous obviously. They have a very difficult time pinning down exactly what no longer FEELS "right." That answer is a difficult one to accept for a dumpee because you feel so strongly the exact opposite. At one time, your ex even felt the opposite, and that is also nearly as difficult to comprehend. When someone has a gut feeling you aren't right for them, that is something that you can't overcome. It's a major deal breaker, and, unless there is a very clear reason you can pinpoint like cheating, your ex probably didn't feel you were right for him.

 

My ex had a very difficult time expressing his reasons. He kept saying that it felt wrong to marry me, something was telling him not to go through with it, ect. He became frustrated when I pressed him for a reason and eventually came up with any number of odd things, saying that I had overreacted to something, I missed his son's soccer tournament one weekend, I was too laid back in some aspects. Just silly things that wouldn't matter if he truly FELT I was right for him.

 

Two, questions beget questions. It would be like feeding a monster if he did agree to meet up with you. You would just continue to feed this desire to discuss it ad nauseum, and it would add fuel to the fire. It wouldn't put out the fire but would likely leave you more confused.

 

Three, he won't agree to meet with you. Not a chance in h@ll will he agree. Even the deepest thinker among us, the most kind hearted analytical soul does not want to discuss a breakup with a person they dumped a year ago. Not at this stage in the game. Even in the relationship, he doesn't sound like the most open to discussion type of guy. He sounds pretty incompatible emotionally with your needs, so why would he consent to a talk a year after it had ended?

 

I'm going to be really honest with you, and I think you already know what I'm about to say. He's relieved to be out of the relationship. The two of you are very emotionally incompatible, and it makes both of you unhappy. You probably made him very uncomfortable because you are a deep, emotional soul. Nothing wrong with that. I'm the same way, but it's like oil and water with your ex. You have a fundamentally different style of communication and expression than him, and you can't change him. You can't make him see the world your way. Find someone who can give you what you need. Any contact from you is going to be unwelcome. He used the word "daunting" to describe further communication with you because he's so far detached.

 

I know you will do what you need to do, but any response from him will only be out of guilt.

[Zapbasket]

 

I'm going to be really honest with you, and I think you already know what I'm about to say. He's relieved to be out of the relationship. The two of you are very emotionally incompatible, and it makes both of you unhappy. You probably made him very uncomfortable because you are a deep, emotional soul. Nothing wrong with that. I'm the same way, but it's like oil and water with your ex. You have a fundamentally different style of communication and expression than him, and you can't change him. You can't make him see the world your way. Find someone who can give you what you need. Any contact from you is going to be unwelcome. He used the word "daunting" to describe further communication with you because he's so far detached.

 

I know you will do what you need to do, but any response from him will only be out of guilt.

 

I probably won't contact him--his mother, maybe, since we're already "in contact" anyway--but this is the rub for me right here. You make it sound like it was some sort of reasoned decision for him. I rather think it's because he is, to borrow either Chimpan-A...'s or Sunshinegirl's term, a "cowardly man-child" who knew he was a mess and whose bad attitude was preventing him from pulling himself together and making an effort, and who didn't want to face any of it, or face me, and just bailed. Because otherwise, why not try to tell me this in the process of breaking up? "I'm so lost and confused," he said--meaning, about his career. "I can't take any responsibility." He could have offered some kind of explanation for why he coasted in EVERY aspect of his life while we were together--it wasn't about me, certainly not exclusively, and probably not at all.

 

I mean, which is it, that he was, as my (and formerly his) therapist says, "constitutionally incapable" of an intimate relationship? Or that he made some mature, reasoned decision he decided not to share with me while he watched me flailing around begging for his input in the months preceding the breakup? You know, I had doubts, too, but I tried to be open about them, and communicate. How can anyone determine what and who is "right" for them, when they're not "right" within themselves? Your ex, too, sounds like mine in that he, too, had major intimacy issues that will be there no matter WHO he is with. Why should I suddenly believe that he had some secret info about our compatibility and potential as a couple that I did not have? Please.

 

Just very angry right now, at him. :mad:

[Zapbasket]

Typing the above, I realized that it's not about ANSWERS so much as contact with him--ideally FROM him--would be about an exchange of CARING. It's a major insult to me that he put in so little effort in ANYTHING, and then just dropped the relationship like it was and never had been nothing. It wasn't "nothing," and I think he felt that, too. If you know you are not going to speak to someone again, and you have or had any care for them whatsoever, then make your last words to them, if devastating, at least kind, and appreciative of what was there. It's really hard to absorb that this person NEVER truly cared for you; if they did, then even if feelings changed, they still could be, you know, CARING.

 

I'm now terrified to get into another relationship because of the fear that it will just end like this. "Yeah, you love me now," I'll want to say, "but at some point you'll decide you want to bail and you will and you won't even try because, after all, there always are bigger fish. Hell, why get attached at all?":mad:

[bulldogz]

Typing the above, I realized that it's not about ANSWERS so much as contact with him--ideally FROM him--would be about an exchange of CARING. It's a major insult to me that he put in so little effort in ANYTHING, and then just dropped the relationship like it was and never had been nothing. It wasn't "nothing," and I think he felt that, too. If you know you are not going to speak to someone again, and you have or had any care for them whatsoever, then make your last words to them, if devastating, at least kind, and appreciative of what was there. It's really hard to absorb that this person NEVER truly cared for you; if they did, then even if feelings changed, they still could be, you know, CARING.

 

I'm now terrified to get into another relationship because of the fear that it will just end like this. "Yeah, you love me now," I'll want to say, "but at some point you'll decide you want to bail and you will and you won't even try because, after all, there always are bigger fish. Hell, why get attached at all?":mad:

 

 

The first paragraph resonated with me.

[BC1980]

I probably won't contact him--his mother, maybe, since we're already "in contact" anyway--but this is the rub for me right here. You make it sound like it was some sort of reasoned decision for him. I rather think it's because he is, to borrow either Chimpan-A...'s or Sunshinegirl's term, a "cowardly man-child" who knew he was a mess and whose bad attitude was preventing him from pulling himself together and making an effort, and who didn't want to face any of it, or face me, and just bailed. Because otherwise, why not try to tell me this in the process of breaking up? "I'm so lost and confused," he said--meaning, about his career. "I can't take any responsibility." He could have offered some kind of explanation for why he coasted in EVERY aspect of his life while we were together--it wasn't about me, certainly not exclusively, and probably not at all.

 

I mean, which is it, that he was, as my (and formerly his) therapist says, "constitutionally incapable" of an intimate relationship? Or that he made some mature, reasoned decision he decided not to share with me while he watched me flailing around begging for his input in the months preceding the breakup? You know, I had doubts, too, but I tried to be open about them, and communicate. How can anyone determine what and who is "right" for them, when they're not "right" within themselves? Your ex, too, sounds like mine in that he, too, had major intimacy issues that will be there no matter WHO he is with. Why should I suddenly believe that he had some secret info about our compatibility and potential as a couple that I did not have? Please.

 

Just very angry right now, at him. :mad:

 

Here is what I still notice about your posts. 99% of the time, you are analyzing him. All of that has got to stop at this point. It's fine to analyze in the beginning, but, at a certain point, you need to tell yourself that you have been down this road multiple times. All of the conclusions you can draw have been drawn, so it's time to put it to rest. No more analyzing WHY. I know it's very tempting, and we have all been there. We have all analyzed things to death in an attempt to understand what we simply cannot understand. You continue with this analyzing of his behavior as a distraction to the fact that you need to focus on yourself to move on.

 

Trust me when I say that it does get easier. At this point, the thought of analyzing my ex's behavior holds very little interest for me, and, at one point, his reasons and behavior held a great deal of interest for me. It takes time and work and redirecting your thoughts, but your ex can become less relevant to you if you want him to become less relevant. It doesn't work if you want him to remain relevant to your life, and I think that on some level, we like our exes to remain relevant because it gives us a diversion to looking at our own faults. We like a diversion from the hard work needed to change ourselves because, heck, it's difficult to look at ourselves. Unfortunately, that line of thinking is short sighted and gets us nowhere in the long term.

 

Let me emphasize that I am, in no way, saying that you should deny or bury your feelings. You need to feel what you are feeling, and I know that you are aware of that. I'm saying that instead of wondering why your ex behaved a certain way, it's now time to ask why you behaved a certain way. When you think, "I'm so angry with him," now is the time to say that it's okay to angry but also to ask, "How can I avoid this anger in the future?" "What steps can I take to better protect my heart and minimize the risk of this type of relationship in the future?" When you say he is not "right" with himself, it's now time to ask "Why did I stay so long and do all the heavy lifting?"

 

You've got to start turning the tables and looking at yourself. You spend so much time analyzing his behavior and asking why he didn't or wouldn't do certain things. I'm telling you that it's not a fruitful endeavor at this point. You are going to have to forcibly STOP analyzing him. We all get to do that in the beginning, but it can't continue any longer.

[BC1980]

Typing the above, I realized that it's not about ANSWERS so much as contact with him--ideally FROM him--would be about an exchange of CARING. It's a major insult to me that he put in so little effort in ANYTHING, and then just dropped the relationship like it was and never had been nothing. It wasn't "nothing," and I think he felt that, too. If you know you are not going to speak to someone again, and you have or had any care for them whatsoever, then make your last words to them, if devastating, at least kind, and appreciative of what was there. It's really hard to absorb that this person NEVER truly cared for you; if they did, then even if feelings changed, they still could be, you know, CARING.

 

I'm now terrified to get into another relationship because of the fear that it will just end like this. "Yeah, you love me now," I'll want to say, "but at some point you'll decide you want to bail and you will and you won't even try because, after all, there always are bigger fish. Hell, why get attached at all?":mad:

 

There's honestly no way you can know how he feels or ever felt. People express things differently, so you can't assume that the way you show care is the same as another person's way. If anything, all of this should be a reminder that he clearly does not share the same values as you do with how to treat others. You can't really judge him for that either. I know it's difficult to understand, but you can't absolutely say that your way is better. It's simply your way of understanding the world and the way you do things. At the end of the day, everyone is having their own experience and writing their own narrative of events.

 

Would it have been nice of him to be more communicative? Of course. But he wasn't, and you have to accept that. Would it have been more decent of him to not simply drop off the face of the earth with little explanation? Yes, but he didn't. I think my ex did some shady things, but I also let him get away with some things that I should not have. So where does that leave me? I have to accept what he did, and I have to accept my own actions.

 

With regards to not wanting another relationship, I think you are nowhere near considering getting involved with someone else right now.

[Zapbasket]

I've been feeling very depressed lately. I think it's the finality of the whole thing finally beginning to sink in, combined with the one-year anniversary of our break-up coming up this week, and our upcoming birthdays a few weeks after that. It feels CRAZY that it has been a year. I think I spent this whole year subconsciously just waiting for him, at first outright expecting, and then hoping, and then hoping in spite of myself, and now maybe hope beginning to die, that he would contact me and want to talk. It's a hard truth to face, that it could have ended as it did and we won't be in each others' lives again, though we live down the road from each other.

 

I'm finding myself forgetting all the problems in our relationship, and finding it hard to pin K. exclusively to the behaviors of his that hurt me. I feel like I see him again in all his humanity, separate from what he was or was not in the relationship with me. Is this the beginning of forgiveness? Or is this another wave of delusion where I idealize him and the time we spent together? I can't tell.

[BC1980]

I've been feeling very depressed lately. I think it's the finality of the whole thing finally beginning to sink in, combined with the one-year anniversary of our break-up coming up this week, and our upcoming birthdays a few weeks after that. It feels CRAZY that it has been a year. I think I spent this whole year subconsciously just waiting for him, at first outright expecting, and then hoping, and then hoping in spite of myself, and now maybe hope beginning to die, that he would contact me and want to talk. It's a hard truth to face, that it could have ended as it did and we won't be in each others' lives again, though we live down the road from each other.

 

I'm finding myself forgetting all the problems in our relationship, and finding it hard to pin K. exclusively to the behaviors of his that hurt me. I feel like I see him again in all his humanity, separate from what he was or was not in the relationship with me. Is this the beginning of forgiveness? Or is this another wave of delusion where I idealize him and the time we spent together? I can't tell.

 

You are probably idealizing him. I think you are right in the thick of all your emotions right now, and they are going to change daily, weekly, monthly, ect. I've found that as time has gone on, I have taken a much less idealized view of my ex. It's more of an unemotional view and has been for the last few months. Hopefully, it will last. I think it's way too early for you to think about forgiveness. If forgiveness is to occur, it can come much later, after you have dealt with your own emotional roller coaster.

[Zapbasket]

You are probably idealizing him. I think you are right in the thick of all your emotions right now, and they are going to change daily, weekly, monthly, ect. I've found that as time has gone on, I have taken a much less idealized view of my ex. It's more of an unemotional view and has been for the last few months. Hopefully, it will last. I think it's way too early for you to think about forgiveness. If forgiveness is to occur, it can come much later, after you have dealt with your own emotional roller coaster.

 

What do you do with all the hurt, the disappointment and sense of emotional confusion that it *seemed* he wanted you and then what happened, happened? Everywhere I go, from the moment I open my eyes, this heavy hurt follows me. It just seems wrong, STILL, that this is really it, somehow.

 

I keep seeing his truck on the road, and not even just near where we live. Literally EVERYWHERE. And I realized that every time, it feels like the initial hurt and rejection all over again, like a scab that never has a chance even to form because the wound is always being picked at.

 

I do think of moving but it's not that simple.

Edited August 18, 2014 by GreenCove

[BC1980]

What do you do with all the hurt, the disappointment and sense of emotional confusion that it *seemed* he wanted you and then what happened, happened? Everywhere I go, from the moment I open my eyes, this heavy hurt follows me. It just seems wrong, STILL, that this is really it, somehow.

 

I keep seeing his truck on the road, and not even just near where we live. Literally EVERYWHERE. And I realized that every time, it feels like the initial hurt and rejection all over again, like a scab that never has a chance even to form because the wound is always being picked at.

 

I do think of moving but it's not that simple.

 

I can understand how seeing his car makes you relive it because it's a reminder that you aren't together. It's a reminder that you aren't in the car with him anymore and that he is out there, living his own life.

 

How to get rid of the emotional confusion? This is where is is helpful to have a therapist to navigate you through grief or at least some books that will do the same. Will your therapist look specifically at your grief to help you come through it?

[Zapbasket]

 

How to get rid of the emotional confusion? This is where is is helpful to have a therapist to navigate you through grief or at least some books that will do the same. Will your therapist look specifically at your grief to help you come through it?

 

Yes, and I am investigating joining a support group, too, because the loneliness makes the grief and the loss yet more acute--especially as his family had comprised so much of my social life. I've been breaking down a lot due to sheer loneliness. No one here knows the degree of hurt I've been through...and of course, I always hid the extent of it from his mother.

 

I struggle still with this idea of reaching out to him. I probably won't ever do it, but I fear that maybe he doesn't reach out to me because he assumes I've moved on and wouldn't want him in my life in ANY capacity. I mean, why hasn't he blocked me or unfriended me on FB if he really wants nothing, ever, to do with me?

[BC1980]

I mean, why hasn't he blocked me or unfriended me on FB if he really wants nothing, ever, to do with me?

 

It probably doesn't hurt him as much as it hurts you to see updates of your life. He doesn't have to be as proactive with NC because the breakup didn't emotionally damage him to the extent it damaged you. He's likely ambivalent about talking to you again. I know that's a tough pill to swallow. Believe me, I know it is because I've had to realize that truth as well. It's similar to my ex coming back to work at the hospital I am at. While I would never consider working anywhere he works, possibly seeing me just doesn't affect him like that. The emotion over the breakup isn't there like it was and still is, to some extent, for me.

 

I think both of our exes were terribly ambivalent about being with us, which is also why our relationships were long term. They never made a move to leave until years had passed. I've actually seen a lot of relationships like that on LS and in real life. You see so many couples who have been together for years, and it is obvious one of them would like the take the commitment to the next level in some way, like marriage, moving in together, ect.

 

The more I look back on it, I am able to see that my ex didn't love me as deeply as I loved him, and he wasn't crazy about me in the way he should have been. I think he kept me around so long because he liked the feeling of having another person around. I think he really wanted the get married and have some life he had constructed in his head. I'm sure he knew for a long time that I wasn't he one who fit into his life, but I was there at the time I guess. It's sh*tty, but it's the most likely truth. He was the one who initiated all the major steps in the relationship, but he would pull back afterwards. He wanted it to work with me for his own reasons. He wanted to have a family, a mother for his child, was tired of being lonely, wanted a wife to take to work functions, someone to travel with.

 

I guess realizing all of this has helped me move on in the long run because I know he would never come back. Knowing that helped me to bury everything and realize that I deserve someone who is crazy about me and who will be honest with me. It sucks because I was crazy in love with this guy. I probably would have done anything for him, but I always felt that what he would do for me was limited. In my heart, I felt expendable and like I would be tossed out once I was of no use. So that's what happened in the end, and, lately, I'm glad to be done with him.

 

Sorry, that was sort of a tangent.

[BC1980]

Yes, and I am investigating joining a support group, too, because the loneliness makes the grief and the loss yet more acute--especially as his family had comprised so much of my social life. I've been breaking down a lot due to sheer loneliness. No one here knows the degree of hurt I've been through...and of course, I always hid the extent of it from his mother.

 

A support group would be great. You need human connection, and you need people who can understand you. It can be so isolating when you don't have someone who understands.

[Zapbasket]

It probably doesn't hurt him as much as it hurts you to see updates of your life. He doesn't have to be as proactive with NC because the breakup didn't emotionally damage him to the extent it damaged you. He's likely ambivalent about talking to you again. I know that's a tough pill to swallow.

 

But...if this is true, then why two weeks ago did he just stay in his truck at the grocery store parking lot until I left not only the lot, but the entire vicinity? Why did he then go home and re-block me from FB Chat? To me, that suggests that he is struggling, as well--though perhaps struggling with his own ambivalence (he always was very "push-pull" with me and even early on I felt like he was deliberately sabotaging the relationship to get me to break up with him). Are you saying that if I posted about something amazing happening in my life, he wouldn't feel a pang?

 

I just can't believe he could be so indifferent.

 

The "truth" I'm seeking is really the accuracy of my own perceptions. I thought there was more there. I also thought he had a lot of psychological hang-ups that stymied our relationship and I could see how they would also stymie how he'd feel about things after the break-up.

 

I think both of our exes were terribly ambivalent about being with us, which is also why our relationships were long term. They never made a move to leave until years had passed. I've actually seen a lot of relationships like that on LS and in real life. You see so many couples who have been together for years, and it is obvious one of them would like the take the commitment to the next level in some way, like marriage, moving in together, ect.

 

But that's the question: how can you TELL whether someone is ambivalent about being with you, while the relationship is going on? K swore up and down that he really wanted to be with me, that he indeed could see himself married to me...and I know you went through those same kinds of confusing messages. I thought K really did love me, psychological hang-ups aside. And so instead of bailing I kept re-committing; I trusted that his commitment was THERE. I'm really afraid of starting up in another relationship, because the one with K. really messed up my sense that I read situations correctly, or am even close.

 

The more I look back on it, I am able to see that my ex didn't love me as deeply as I loved him, and he wasn't crazy about me in the way he should have been. I think he kept me around so long because he liked the feeling of having another person around. I think he really wanted the get married and have some life he had constructed in his head. I'm sure he knew for a long time that I wasn't he one who fit into his life, but I was there at the time I guess. It's sh*tty, but it's the most likely truth. He was the one who initiated all the major steps in the relationship, but he would pull back afterwards. He wanted it to work with me for his own reasons. He wanted to have a family, a mother for his child, was tired of being lonely, wanted a wife to take to work functions, someone to travel with.

 

But don't you think that's just his modus operandi? That he's not someone capable of deeper connection whereby he'd be "crazy" about ANYONE? That there's not some elusive woman who "fits" in an ideal way into the vision of a life he has constructed for himself, but rather that he'll just move onto the next "okay-for-now" because he just isn't thinking about real intimacy?

 

I probably would have done anything for him, but I always felt that what he would do for me was limited. In my heart, I felt expendable and like I would be tossed out once I was of no use.

 

But from all you've said about him on LS, it sounds like that's more because he is just a selfish, counterdependent person who uses contempt for people, even those he "loves," as a defense against the risk of intimacy. It seems to me like he treated you that way because of HIM, not because of anything about YOU. (Though of course he would try to make you believe otherwise.)

 

Here's what really hurts, in this droning, gut-busting way; I mean, it really makes me depressed: sometimes, it seems like maybe all along there was nothing there, with K. Maybe he really never loved me. Though he always told me, that there were only two gf's he really loved: his college gf, and me. His mom always said he seemed more smitten with me than with any other girl. Kate, the gf he had before me, he was with for TWO YEARS without ever once telling her he loved her. I asked him once, aghast, "If you KNEW you didn't love her, then why on earth did you a) stay in the relationship for 2 years, b) travel to the midwest with her to meet her family, and c) tell her you would move to Minnesota where she got a job when you knew you had no intention of doing so?"

 

His reply was, "Well, when I came back to the states, I had been without a girlfriend for a long time and I really wanted a girlfriend." Kate ended up cheating on him when he never moved to be with her as promised. So that was a case where he, an ambivalent partner, attracted another ambivalent partner.

 

It makes me sick to think that in truth, he never loved me. (?????) And yes, it's hard to wrap my head around it; I don't understand. And I fear it is going to affect my ability to trust for a long time to come. I'm trying to buffer against that outcome by trying to listen more to my instincts in all my relationships.

[BC1980]

But...if this is true, then why two weeks ago did he just stay in his truck at the grocery store parking lot until I left not only the lot, but the entire vicinity? Why did he then go home and re-block me from FB Chat? To me, that suggests that he is struggling, as well--though perhaps struggling with his own ambivalence (he always was very "push-pull" with me and even early on I felt like he was deliberately sabotaging the relationship to get me to break up with him). Are you saying that if I posted about something amazing happening in my life, he wouldn't feel a pang?

 

My best guess would be that he didn't want an awkward confrontation. Having someone unblocked on FB and seeing them in person is different. It's more difficult to face a person. Again, I will say that you need to stop circling back around to analyze his behavior. The more you analyze and idealize him, the longer you are going to stay stuck.

 

After all of this analyzing, have you come to any concrete conclusions about him? With my ex, I can only conjecture, and I may be right on some counts. But who cares anymore? It doesn't matter to me anymore, and that was very crucial to me turning a corner in my recovery.

[54JA]

Hi! I am new here, but your thread has caught my attention and has been very inspiring. It's inspiring to know how you ladies are supporting each other and being completely honest about your deepest fears. I am almost caught up with all of your posts, so please forgive me and let me know if I have the wrong impression.

 

On your most recent post: One of the things I really struggled with when my ex of 4.5 years broke up with me (though he broke up with me multiple times) many years ago, was the sense that our 4.5 years together meant nothing to him, that the 4.5 years was a waste. I kept thinking of all the efforts I put into, and was reminded that they led to nothing. I learned many years ago that my ex is now married. It's been many years, so I do not hurt any more and no longer care, but at the time, I had the most difficult time accepting the fact that our moments and my efforts did not lead to anything substantial (led to our ending our relationship). At the time it appeared as if they meant nothing to him. 12 years later now looking back, I am just so thankful that it did not lead to anything, otherwise I would have not had the opportunity to be with my current boyfriend, who is completely different from my ex.

 

You may doubt your ability to perceive things accurately now, but look at the amount of reflecting you have done so far. I can tell that, with the support of other women here, you are incredibly becoming self-aware. All of these thinking and reflection, once the pain fades over time, will surely serve as the foundation for the new, more accurate/balanced perception. It's a work in progress. Did you decide to go on anti-depressant? I understand that you are hesitant about it. I have been on celexa for a while now, but the meds have curbed my obsessive and extreme thinking somewhat, which helped me see things in a more balanced way. Of course I still have my good days and bad days, and therapy (mine is cognitive behavioral therapy) and learning about different types of cognitive distortions are still necessary in addition to my pills. The pills are just there as a temporary scaffold.

[Zapbasket]

My best guess would be that he didn't want an awkward confrontation. Having someone unblocked on FB and seeing them in person is different. It's more difficult to face a person. Again, I will say that you need to stop circling back around to analyze his behavior. The more you analyze and idealize him, the longer you are going to stay stuck.

 

After all of this analyzing, have you come to any concrete conclusions about him? With my ex, I can only conjecture, and I may be right on some counts. But who cares anymore? It doesn't matter to me anymore, and that was very crucial to me turning a corner in my recovery.

 

I haven't come to concrete conclusions about HIM. But through analyzing what I perceived about him and then the evidence that in some instances, I MIS-perceived him and how that makes me feel, I think I am slowly beginning to understand why I continually overrode my niggling instincts and stayed in the relationship, and why this relationship has had such a deep, deep hold on me.

 

That understanding, that "conclusion," is ultimately my goal. "Understanding" K or coming to "conclusions" about him is really a phantom goal (because ultimately impossible) that helps me to understand myself.

 

This is my process. It is slow, but I don't think I am stuck. Struggling, yes--a lot. But I have faith that if I work with these feelings and questions, gradually I will reach a point where this whole event and time in my life with K ceases to have such a hold on me, and I can truly make it my PAST, rather than "time having passed," which was all that I got out of my previous relationship experiences because I didn't stick with the work.

 

What concerns / confuses me most deeply is whether there truly was nothing there, on his end. If so, then I was attaching meanings to the wrong things. I thought I felt that he really loved me, and so I honestly didn't expect that he would completely end the relationship, and then on top of that, that he would never look back. It has really thrown me for a loop mentally, in addition to hurting me deeply. I read a willingness to stick with it that evidently was not there.

 

I never, ever, ever want to end up in a situation like this again.