Fear I am not progressing well in coping, 2

[mightycpa]

I think you have to make a few assumptions, and then only change those assumptions if some evidence surfaces.

 

1) He doesn't want to be with you at all, so he avoids you.

2) You will never get the validation you seek, because he will never give it to you.

3) You will never know exactly why.

 

You're searching for Bigfoot, and I hate to tell you, but he doesn't exist. When will you stop searching?

[Zapbasket]

I think you have to make a few assumptions, and then only change those assumptions if some evidence surfaces.

 

1) He doesn't want to be with you at all, so he avoids you.

2) You will never get the validation you seek, because he will never give it to you.

3) You will never know exactly why.

 

You're searching for Bigfoot, and I hate to tell you, but he doesn't exist. When will you stop searching?

 

See my post above, what I say about "phantom goal." I am in agreement with you.

[Zapbasket]

Hi! I am new here, but your thread has caught my attention and has been very inspiring. It's inspiring to know how you ladies are supporting each other and being completely honest about your deepest fears. I am almost caught up with all of your posts, so please forgive me and let me know if I have the wrong impression.

 

I am so glad to know even one person has benefited from reading this looong thread--it is thanks to all the wise, thoughtful responses.

 

On your most recent post: One of the things I really struggled with when my ex of 4.5 years broke up with me (though he broke up with me multiple times) many years ago, was the sense that our 4.5 years together meant nothing to him, that the 4.5 years was a waste. I kept thinking of all the efforts I put into, and was reminded that they led to nothing.

 

Yes, I really relate to that. It seems as though in the time we were together, I somehow failed to reach K., my ex. Even knowing that was not MY "fault" does not ease the hurt--not sure why that is, but it's the truth. I feel like a failure and yes, like the whole time was a waste, when it didn't have to be. He was always pushing me away, and I know that nothing I could have been or done would have eliminated that response; only his self-awareness of doing it and his desire to change for himself would have done anything. And he was not self-aware.

 

I learned many years ago that my ex is now married.

 

Do you ever wonder what his marriage is like? Just from curiosity? My ego burns over this, in the fear that he didn't want to marry ME. My mom and friends think a) he was in no position in his life to get married to anyone, and b) he's perhaps not the marrying kind. I can see that, but I'll tell you, if I find out he married, I'd wonder whether he ever garnered some self-awareness to begin to alleviate his psychological hang-ups, or whether his marriage was the same ambivalent, stuck affair (on his end) that his relationship was with me.

 

You may doubt your ability to perceive things accurately now, but look at the amount of reflecting you have done so far. I can tell that, with the support of other women here, you are incredibly becoming self-aware.

 

Thank you. I desperately want this to herald a whole new chapter, one where I have made significant changes and can truly say the previous chapter of choosing emotionally remote men and doggedly sticking with them despite evidence I should walk away is CLOSED. It's really hard now because I feel like the page is turning so, so slowly and the pain is so prolonged and sometimes I feel like I can't manage it. It's a dark time for sure.

 

Did you decide to go on anti-depressant? I understand that you are hesitant about it. I have been on celexa for a while now, but the meds have curbed my obsessive and extreme thinking somewhat, which helped me see things in a more balanced way. Of course I still have my good days and bad days, and therapy (mine is cognitive behavioral therapy) and learning about different types of cognitive distortions are still necessary in addition to my pills. The pills are just there as a temporary scaffold.

 

For now, I decided not to. I think I could manage this rollercoaster of grief and dawning acceptance and disappointment better if I had more social support. So, for now I'm spending more time reading and posting on here, reaching out to family and friends I know I can count on, and trying to find ways to crack the seemingly impenetrable forest of positive social relations in my small mountain town. It's the loneliness that really leads me to some dangerous lows. Not dangerous where I think I'd ever be at risk of harming myself, but where I just feel wildly desperate inside with grief. My promise to myself is that if I can't find more social outlets, then I will see about a very low-dose antidepressant, to work, as you say, as a scaffold.

 

I'm going to look to see if you have any threads. Thanks so much for your thoughts.

[BC1980]

What concerns / confuses me most deeply is whether there truly was nothing there, on his end. If so, then I was attaching meanings to the wrong things. I thought I felt that he really loved me, and so I honestly didn't expect that he would completely end the relationship, and then on top of that, that he would never look back. It has really thrown me for a loop mentally, in addition to hurting me deeply. I read a willingness to stick with it that evidently was not there.

 

I never, ever, ever want to end up in a situation like this again.

 

You actually knew exactly what was going on the entire time during the relationship, and you have stated that multiple times. There is no riddle. He was ambivalent and wouldn't fully commit. The same thing happened to me, and I was aware the entire time. I wasn't stupid; I just didn't want to believe what was right in front of me.

 

All of the analyzing him is an attempt to come to a different conclusion, when, in fact, you were fully aware of the truth during the relationship. Is it painful? Very. It's very painful because we have spent years painting a picture that wasn't entirely true, and we have invested in that picture. We convinced ourselves that our exes were more invested than they actually were.

 

I think it's best to start focusing on yourself at this point. You can't recoup this investment anymore than I can recoup mine. The only reasonable path is to begin investing in yourself.

[54JA]

 

Do you ever wonder what his marriage is like? Just from curiosity? My ego burns over this, in the fear that he didn't want to marry ME. My mom and friends think a) he was in no position in his life to get married to anyone, and b) he's perhaps not the marrying kind. I can see that, but I'll tell you, if I find out he married, I'd wonder whether he ever garnered some self-awareness to begin to alleviate his psychological hang-ups, or whether his marriage was the same ambivalent, stuck affair (on his end) that his relationship was with me.

 

 

Now, not so much, anymore. Now, I am just so grateful that I did not end up with him, and I feel sorry for his current wife because he was always stuck with dead end jobs, not financially responsible, had wondering eyes, and was insecure with himself. I can only imagine the horror and misery his current wife is going through. All of these flaws of his, I was aware of it during our relationship. I was so young and lacked the tool to end it. I was afraid of being alone and afraid of being lonely because I did not have very many friends. He became like a bad drug addiction, a habit I knew I needed to end but couldn't.

 

When I found out that he was married (actually through him because I broke no contact), I was not surprised because I already knew he already had someone on the side, which was the reason we ended things. We broke up with each other numerous times before, and the last, final break up was actually not as bad as the other times we broke up/took a break. When he was telling me about his marriage, he sounded like he was trying to sound happy and cheerful, like his life had finally turned around, which I really doubted. In the past, he has lied to me about the number of dates he went on while we were broken up, just to make me jealous. He was petty like that. At that point, I wasn't very hurt, just felt really stupid for reaching out.

 

I don't have any threads yet, as I am really new to this forum. When the above break up happened, I was on another online message board. I remembered getting a lot of support there. Unfortunately, it is no longer there. I stumbled upon LS when I was looking for something similar, an online support community, for my friend who is having a hard time with her breakup. But then, when I found this forum and read many stories here, including yours, I thought I could use the support and wisdom too. Even though I am in a LTR with a great guy now, I still deal with my depression, mainly about my career and lack of extensive social support system. Like you, I feel like by now, I should be married and have a good career and kids, etc, but I don't. I am also dealing with my tendency to procrastinate, which is tied to my depression. This is why I found your posts inspiring because you are dealing with multiple situational issues. When your confidence is down because of the loss of social network and unhappiness with your career related situations, it's hard enough. But on top of this, you are dealing with your post break up issues. You have a lot on your mind, and I think you are doing a fantastic job of confronting all of your issues. It's courageous.

[Zapbasket]

I think it's best to start focusing on yourself at this point. You can't recoup this investment anymore than I can recoup mine. The only reasonable path is to begin investing in yourself.

 

But, I am. For me, at least, part of that investment is looking at what I lost--something in which I invested heavily and that, though it frustrated me, I treasured. Just because I think about K. or question what was there or not or question his motives doesn't necessarily mean I'm not simultaneously thinking about or investing in myself; the two aren't necessarily separate...until they are.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

But what does thinking about K and his motives give you at this point? What is there to cover that you haven't already dwelled upon at length? I wonder if you keep up with these obsessive thoughts because you're trying to find some kind of satisfactory answer that will make sense of all his behavior and restore confidence in yourself. You already know on a rational level that that answer will never come. You also know that your investment in K is separate from investing in your own well-being; ruminating over and over on the former is directly detrimental to the latter.

 

This thread is so compelling because you write so honestly about a dark place where most of us have been. My worst ex was not ambivalent. He genuinely loved me, but was too immature and ashamed to work through his most self-destructive habits. Every time he damaged a relationship he simply discarded it rather than trying to make it better. (He told me about this this going in to the relationship...talk about ignoring red flags!) For a long time, far longer than I'd like to admit, I clung to the knowledge that he had loved me; surely that enough to make him want to work on us, he HAD to want to work on us!

 

But he didn't. Slowly, over the course of many months, I finally came to terms with the fact that his love for me wasn't enough and that he truly preferred to self-destruct and start over than attempt to salvage things with me. I think I hit just about every low note you've articulated here, including all the obsessive over-analyzing of meaningless actions. I was convinced there was still love when there wasn't anymore. It hurts a little bit even now. As much as I would like to take away that pain---I wish I could say that love was worth the devastation that followed, but it wasn't, and I don't believe I'm a better person for having experienced it---it's become part of my life's story, and hopefully in time it will be a very small, negligible part. And here I am.

 

When I read your posts I want to utterly nuke this guy out of your life. I want you to cover your ears and go "LA-LA-LA-LA-LA" every time you hear his name. I want you to see his car and think "ugh, that guy." I want you to be cordial but distant from his mother. I want you to recognize that he is out of your life forever, which I realize all too well is like consenting to being stabbed to death, but it's a step you have to take. The alternative is staying in that dark place until it consumes you.

[Zapbasket]

I want you to recognize that he is out of your life forever, which I realize all too well is like consenting to being stabbed to death, but it's a step you have to take. The alternative is staying in that dark place until it consumes you.

 

But that's exactly where I'm heading. This process, only a part of which is unfolding here, is what I need to do to get where I need to go. I have confidence I am heading in the right direction. Yes, it is one of the most painful things I have ever been through and there's no way through but through, which means pretty much anything I do is sure to be painful, but necessary. I can see my progress and yes, I have setbacks, but I know I am doing everything I need to do, and I gain respect for myself in the process.

 

I am doing exactly what I need to do. Everything is unfolding exactly as it should. I wish it were "faster," but that is not a reasonable expectation. It will happen when it happens...and all the groundwork is being laid right now, here, in my therapy, in the things I do every day to push myself ahead, in the times I just sit with the sadness and either articulate it here or just cry it out. There is no other way and I am not going to fight myself any longer. It has been in the continually fighting myself with armies of "shoulds" that I ended up with a guy like this, and STAYED with him, in the first place. Not doing it anymore. This is where I am.

[Minneloa]

Hi GC,

 

I wanted to recommend a book to you that, despite its cheesy title, has been very helpful to me: Beat the Blues (Before They Beat You): How to Overcome Depression by Robert Leahy. In particular, I suggest you check out the chapter on rumination. Leahy talks about why we ruminate, why it backfires, and how to short-circuit this habit. I identified with and benefited from his discussion, and I think you might, too.

 

Sending good thoughts,

M.

[Lostdreams]

Hi to all,

 

I have read this thread today from A to Z and gained inspiration from all the posters and good advise here. Great to see this and it really took a while

 

Thanks to all of you - I have now FINALLY managed to block him on FB and unconnected from him in L-in

 

It's so true..... checking up on the on-line ex is just an addictive sad trap we get ourselves into and fuel our own pain. I had not truely seen it so clearly before - I am deeply grateful - you guys are amazing.

 

 

Dear GC,

 

Your story has moved me and I feel for you deeply - the one year BU anniversary yes it's tough but............... please, please, please make yourself a birthday promise this year - and hold that promise - to put yourself first -to find your freedom and let it go.

 

We would all do it for you if we could (ice bucket treatment and all!) - but it has to come from within - quit thinking about what consideration you owe him, others.. or the mother of.. or the brother of ........ you owe yourself a whole lot more - this has to be your main focus.

 

Take the control back and forge yourself for the future loving relationship you deserve - you don't have to settle for less. Please celebrate your coming birthday as a re-birth ..... "Happiness is a way of travel - not the final destination"

 

Sending you on-line hugs

[BC1980]

But that's exactly where I'm heading. This process, only a part of which is unfolding here, is what I need to do to get where I need to go. I have confidence I am heading in the right direction. Yes, it is one of the most painful things I have ever been through and there's no way through but through, which means pretty much anything I do is sure to be painful, but necessary. I can see my progress and yes, I have setbacks, but I know I am doing everything I need to do, and I gain respect for myself in the process.

 

I am doing exactly what I need to do. Everything is unfolding exactly as it should. I wish it were "faster," but that is not a reasonable expectation. It will happen when it happens...and all the groundwork is being laid right now, here, in my therapy, in the things I do every day to push myself ahead, in the times I just sit with the sadness and either articulate it here or just cry it out. There is no other way and I am not going to fight myself any longer. It has been in the continually fighting myself with armies of "shoulds" that I ended up with a guy like this, and STAYED with him, in the first place. Not doing it anymore. This is where I am.

 

Maybe it's just because we only see the times you are in confusion. It actually helps me because I've felt nearly everything you have written here. It took me a long time to stop obsessing, but I eventually got there. As time goes on, he won't hold as much interest as he does now.

[Zapbasket]

Maybe it's just because we only see the times you are in confusion. It actually helps me because I've felt nearly everything you have written here. It took me a long time to stop obsessing, but I eventually got there. As time goes on, he won't hold as much interest as he does now.

 

Yes, I think the big shift I see is that I'm now fully convinced he was not and is not deserving of my love and devotion. Every "good" hope I ever held out for him, for what he was capable of and who he truly was at core, has been shown to have been misplaced. He may not be a "bad" guy, but he showed me multiple manifestations of weak character that ultimately outweighed the nice things he did do for me. And anyway: it's easy to do "nice things." It's hard, and a test of character, to face problems in a constructive way. And this is where he failed, over and over--not only with us, but with his own issues in his own life.

 

He let me down. He was unworthy and I compromised myself by making excuses for him. I also compromised myself by getting upset with him when he didn't meet my standards in key ways, and showed little or no ability / willingness to change (and I never could tell which it was. Probably a little of both.). He NEEDED me to walk away; it would have been the only "correct" communication between us given his behavior.

 

I feel really black inside. That's one reason why I ask so many questions, because often the black feels too difficult to bear. It's the betrayal that creates a hole that will take a long, long time to fill. I went to a support group last night and even though I was the only person who showed up, at least it represented to me another step in trying to go forward.

 

Black, black, black: it follows me everywhere I go. It's really unbearable...but I know I will get through it eventually. I'm really grateful for this thread, and for LS as a whole.

[54JA]

I'm so sorry that you are really hurting. But thank you for sharing. It's truly courageous of you to share your most difficult time. Like I said before, reading your journey to healing is truly inspirational. Like others have said, it's inspirational because you are so honest.

 

What does your therapist/counselor say about this. I am curious.

[Zapbasket]

I'm so sorry that you are really hurting. But thank you for sharing. It's truly courageous of you to share your most difficult time. Like I said before, reading your journey to healing is truly inspirational. Like others have said, it's inspirational because you are so honest.

 

Thanks, 54JA.

 

What does your therapist/counselor say about this. I am curious.

 

He says that realistically it takes at least two years to fully work through a breakup, where the issues it raised no longer have such intensity, or valence, for you.

 

He says that I function in relationships in a kind of "PTSD" way, in that I still react to early childhood losses and abuse through my present relationships. I extend a degree of loyalty, he says, that's very much like a child's loyalty to her caregivers, which is in place no matter what in order for the child to feel a basic security. Because my parents were absent and/or abusive in many subtle and less-subtle ways, I have an ingrained habit of extending this kind of "survival loyalty" to people who don't deserve it.

 

He thinks I choose inferior men who cannot meet me halfway to build and sustain a healthy, mutual relationship, and because of my childhood experiences, I don't even notice the relationship imbalance that results, until I start to wear out.

 

He said that K. had counterdependent attributes and is narcissistically wounded in a way that only extensive therapy will undo; and that I have co-dependent attributes that led me to continually make excuses for him when I had every legitimate reason to walk away, early on.

 

He talks a lot about the stories we tell ourselves--consciously, unconsciously, subconsciously--and how they can limit us. He says that my story is that I am "difficult" and "over-sensitive and "too much," and that ironically leads me to choose partners (and other people in my life) who confirm that belief.

 

He says I deserve far better than K ever could have given me.

[54JA]

Thanks, 54JA.

 

 

 

He says that realistically it takes at least two years to fully work through a breakup, where the issues it raised no longer have such intensity, or valence, for you.

 

He says that I function in relationships in a kind of "PTSD" way, in that I still react to early childhood losses and abuse through my present relationships. I extend a degree of loyalty, he says, that's very much like a child's loyalty to her caregivers, which is in place no matter what in order for the child to feel a basic security. Because my parents were absent and/or abusive in many subtle and less-subtle ways, I have an ingrained habit of extending this kind of "survival loyalty" to people who don't deserve it.

 

He thinks I choose inferior men who cannot meet me halfway to build and sustain a healthy, mutual relationship, and because of my childhood experiences, I don't even notice the relationship imbalance that results, until I start to wear out.

 

He said that K. had counterdependent attributes and is narcissistically wounded in a way that only extensive therapy will undo; and that I have co-dependent attributes that led me to continually make excuses for him when I had every legitimate reason to walk away, early on.

 

He talks a lot about the stories we tell ourselves--consciously, unconsciously, subconsciously--and how they can limit us. He says that my story is that I am "difficult" and "over-sensitive and "too much," and that ironically leads me to choose partners (and other people in my life) who confirm that belief.

 

He says I deserve far better than K ever could have given me.

 

I am so sorry to hear about your childhood. It's so true how childhood experiences affect the choices we make in our adult relationships. My father was a depressed alcoholic who committed suicide before I reached my teens. I know that this affects me tremendously even now.

 

It's so true that a real healing/recovery from a break up cannot be done in a mere few weeks, especially from long term adult relationships. 2 years is a long time, but I think it's worth waiting and working through those years because the alternative is dragging the hurt and issues for the rest of your life. I'm glad that you are taking your time and not rushing your recovery.

 

Does your therapist give you any tools for dealing with your current sense of "blackness?"

[BC1980]

Thanks, 54JA.

 

 

 

He says that realistically it takes at least two years to fully work through a breakup, where the issues it raised no longer have such intensity, or valence, for you.

 

He says that I function in relationships in a kind of "PTSD" way, in that I still react to early childhood losses and abuse through my present relationships. I extend a degree of loyalty, he says, that's very much like a child's loyalty to her caregivers, which is in place no matter what in order for the child to feel a basic security. Because my parents were absent and/or abusive in many subtle and less-subtle ways, I have an ingrained habit of extending this kind of "survival loyalty" to people who don't deserve it.

 

He thinks I choose inferior men who cannot meet me halfway to build and sustain a healthy, mutual relationship, and because of my childhood experiences, I don't even notice the relationship imbalance that results, until I start to wear out.

 

He said that K. had counterdependent attributes and is narcissistically wounded in a way that only extensive therapy will undo; and that I have co-dependent attributes that led me to continually make excuses for him when I had every legitimate reason to walk away, early on.

 

He talks a lot about the stories we tell ourselves--consciously, unconsciously, subconsciously--and how they can limit us. He says that my story is that I am "difficult" and "over-sensitive and "too much," and that ironically leads me to choose partners (and other people in my life) who confirm that belief.

 

He says I deserve far better than K ever could have given me.

 

I relate to all of this. I dealt with depression and an eating disorder starting at 13 years old, and I always felt there was something intrinsically wrong with me because of that. I felt that no one would want me and that I should just be alone because I shouldn't drag anyone else into my brokenness. I have always felt there was something that made me different than everyone else, and that idea means that I should be excluded from finding love in another human being.

 

I actually opened up to my ex about my past struggles, and it completely repelled him and scared him. We had been together for a year and a half when I even told him any of this. His reaction affirmed that there was something wrong with me, and it also activated this need in me to put on a mask, or change, who I was. I tried very hard to fit his mold of what a good partner should be, and that was a partner that shouldn't have a history of depression or an eating disorder. I really became very ashamed of myself, and I'm sure that my past struggles played a significant part in his leaving me. Again, all of this confirmed that I was not worthy of anyone's love.

 

I know all of this is not logical, and I do actually deserve someone who loves me for who I am. This relationship has taught me so much about myself, and it's been absolute hell at times. So I get where you are coming from, and I am coming out of that blackness myself. I'm so thankful that I have been given this second chance to work on myself and face these old issues that I never really figured out.

 

Just wanted you to know that I understand.

[Zapbasket]

My father was a depressed alcoholic who committed suicide before I reached my teens. I know that this affects me tremendously even now.

 

My dad committed suicide, too, when I was just two. It does have a profound effect. I can't imagine losing a parent to suicide when you're an older child.

 

Does your therapist give you any tools for dealing with your current sense of "blackness?"

 

More than anything, he points out fallacies in my thoughts.

 

What this sense of blackness has brought on is an inability to be alone, because the feeling is so awful and overwhelming. Today at work my coworker told me I look like crap, and I wanted to spill to her how I'm hurting so badly, and why. I tend to keep any and all emotional problems out of the office and so I just said I had a migraine, which isn't too far from the truth.

 

Ideally, the best tool would be the living room of a close friend. I could just...be there, wouldn't really have to talk, just be in the friend's company and the warmth of his or her home and just hang.

 

I've been asking myself what makes us heal. It seems the best healing agents are relationships. You start making connections with new people, spend more time with old friends, and gradually the attachment you had for the lost person disperses and is overshadowed by attachments with new people. Sometimes rebound relationships serve this purpose, to good or ill effect, but I think for me right now it's not a rebound I need or want, just new friends, as right now I have none where I live.

 

So then my question to myself has been how do I do that. I have tried so many venues to make friends since moving here that it's hard to feel hopeful about re-pursuing venues. When I went to that support group on Monday where the only person was the therapist, she's just a little older than me and said that indeed it is very hard to make friends here, but that there are good people and with time it will happen for me. So I'm committing to doing at least one thing per week that gets me out with new people.

 

Other than that, the truth is that I really just need people I already know will take good care of my heart. Last night, when I couldn't get my best friend on the phone (she lives a plane ride away), I sucked it up and called the National Suicide Hotline. I said I wasn't thinking of killing myself but was experiencing lows and darkness that felt overwhelming and talking with someone helped pull me out of the low and back to a level of sadness I'm better capable of handling. It helped, and I was at least able to get a half-decent night's sleep.

 

And then, though I don't feel moving from here is the answer to my difficulties, I want to keep opening up the sense that I have options, that I'm not "trapped" and can choose what is best for me, even if that choice is to stay put. So this or next weekend, I'm going to take a trip to another area in the state that is like this one but with a slightly different "character," just to see whether I could live there if I wanted to make a move.

 

And there's one other thing I could do that might ease the blackness, but I fear that first it will create even more blackness and it might be too much for me. I'll detail that in another post.

[54JA]

My dad committed suicide, too, when I was just two. It does have a profound effect. I can't imagine losing a parent to suicide when you're an older child.

 

 

 

More than anything, he points out fallacies in my thoughts.

 

What this sense of blackness has brought on is an inability to be alone, because the feeling is so awful and overwhelming. Today at work my coworker told me I look like crap, and I wanted to spill to her how I'm hurting so badly, and why. I tend to keep any and all emotional problems out of the office and so I just said I had a migraine, which isn't too far from the truth.

 

Ideally, the best tool would be the living room of a close friend. I could just...be there, wouldn't really have to talk, just be in the friend's company and the warmth of his or her home and just hang.

 

I've been asking myself what makes us heal. It seems the best healing agents are relationships. You start making connections with new people, spend more time with old friends, and gradually the attachment you had for the lost person disperses and is overshadowed by attachments with new people. Sometimes rebound relationships serve this purpose, to good or ill effect, but I think for me right now it's not a rebound I need or want, just new friends, as right now I have none where I live.

 

So then my question to myself has been how do I do that. I have tried so many venues to make friends since moving here that it's hard to feel hopeful about re-pursuing venues. When I went to that support group on Monday where the only person was the therapist, she's just a little older than me and said that indeed it is very hard to make friends here, but that there are good people and with time it will happen for me. So I'm committing to doing at least one thing per week that gets me out with new people.

 

Other than that, the truth is that I really just need people I already know will take good care of my heart. Last night, when I couldn't get my best friend on the phone (she lives a plane ride away), I sucked it up and called the National Suicide Hotline. I said I wasn't thinking of killing myself but was experiencing lows and darkness that felt overwhelming and talking with someone helped pull me out of the low and back to a level of sadness I'm better capable of handling. It helped, and I was at least able to get a half-decent night's sleep.

 

And then, though I don't feel moving from here is the answer to my difficulties, I want to keep opening up the sense that I have options, that I'm not "trapped" and can choose what is best for me, even if that choice is to stay put. So this or next weekend, I'm going to take a trip to another area in the state that is like this one but with a slightly different "character," just to see whether I could live there if I wanted to make a move.

 

And there's one other thing I could do that might ease the blackness, but I fear that first it will create even more blackness and it might be too much for me. I'll detail that in another post.

 

I hope you recognize that you have come really far in your recovery. I say this because know you are seeking comfort in people other than your ex. You recognize and yearn for friendship, rather than a romantic relationship. I think this is huge. People who are still in the early stages of a break up would typically say "only thing I need is to have my ex back. Nothing else matter." This is not you anymore. This is a progress.

 

When I was going through one of the many break ups with my ex (not the final one), I had one decent friend, 2 friends with whom I did not feel very close, and a best friend who lived in a different city. Yet, the one decent friend was in a relationship and she herself was working to maintain it too. The 2 friends were a couple, and when I saw them together, it made things difficult for me, rather than ease my pain. I did not have a shoulder to cry on, and it was really difficult for me not to have a solid support system when I needed it the most. In a way, this was my fault, because I first met my ex, my reason for wanting to be with him was because I was lonely. I had moved here from another country and did not have a network of friends. At the time, I did not differentiate friendship from romantic relationship. I just wanted someone I can spend time with everyday. I was very young and did not know any better. I just wanted to be someone's number 1. I was wanted to feel I was important to someone. So, while in the relationship, I did not make much effort to make new friends or develop hobbies. When the relationship ended (multiple times), lack of those things made recovery much harder and slower (thus I kept going back to him). And unlike you, I live in a big city, so I really did not have any good excuse.

 

I still do not have a solid network of friends. Yes, I do live in a big city, but it is still very difficult to connect with someone, especially in my 30s, and maybe because it is a big city.

 

My current boyfriend of 10 years has an extensive network of friends. He has a lot going on, good career, fun life, and great friends whom he loves very much. At least I can take comfort in knowing that he really wants to be with me. On the other hand, I am struggling socially and in terms of career. I often get scared that if this relationship was to end, I know it's going to be very difficult because I still don't have that social support I need outside of this relationship. But the difference is now that I am working on developing new friendships rather than just relying just on my boyfriend for comforts. It's still hard, though.

 

I am not sure why I just wrote this lengthy post. This was not advice or anything. I feel like you can understand. Sorry:).

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

My dad committed suicide, too, when I was just two. It does have a profound effect. I can't imagine losing a parent to suicide when you're an older child.

 

 

 

More than anything, he points out fallacies in my thoughts.

 

What this sense of blackness has brought on is an inability to be alone, because the feeling is so awful and overwhelming. Today at work my coworker told me I look like crap, and I wanted to spill to her how I'm hurting so badly, and why. I tend to keep any and all emotional problems out of the office and so I just said I had a migraine, which isn't too far from the truth.

 

Ideally, the best tool would be the living room of a close friend. I could just...be there, wouldn't really have to talk, just be in the friend's company and the warmth of his or her home and just hang.

 

I've been asking myself what makes us heal. It seems the best healing agents are relationships. You start making connections with new people, spend more time with old friends, and gradually the attachment you had for the lost person disperses and is overshadowed by attachments with new people. Sometimes rebound relationships serve this purpose, to good or ill effect, but I think for me right now it's not a rebound I need or want, just new friends, as right now I have none where I live.

 

So then my question to myself has been how do I do that. I have tried so many venues to make friends since moving here that it's hard to feel hopeful about re-pursuing venues. When I went to that support group on Monday where the only person was the therapist, she's just a little older than me and said that indeed it is very hard to make friends here, but that there are good people and with time it will happen for me. So I'm committing to doing at least one thing per week that gets me out with new people.

 

Other than that, the truth is that I really just need people I already know will take good care of my heart. Last night, when I couldn't get my best friend on the phone (she lives a plane ride away), I sucked it up and called the National Suicide Hotline. I said I wasn't thinking of killing myself but was experiencing lows and darkness that felt overwhelming and talking with someone helped pull me out of the low and back to a level of sadness I'm better capable of handling. It helped, and I was at least able to get a half-decent night's sleep.

 

And then, though I don't feel moving from here is the answer to my difficulties, I want to keep opening up the sense that I have options, that I'm not "trapped" and can choose what is best for me, even if that choice is to stay put. So this or next weekend, I'm going to take a trip to another area in the state that is like this one but with a slightly different "character," just to see whether I could live there if I wanted to make a move.

 

And there's one other thing I could do that might ease the blackness, but I fear that first it will create even more blackness and it might be too much for me. I'll detail that in another post.

 

This thread is so powerful because GreenCove has walked a road many of us have walked, at least in part, and she describes it so eloquently and with such candor that it transports you back to your own pain. GC, I hope you don't think people are frustrated with you; I think we just want to see you making strides with your "aggressive self-rescue", and it sounds like you are. Maybe you could post about good days and little victories as well? I at least would love to read about them.

 

Your therapist no doubt has given you these already, but here is a list of the most common cognitive distortions. I have them written out on a notecard. When I'm feeling down, I go through the list to see which, if any, distortion might be affecting my thoughts and therefore my mood. It's amazing to see how much better you feel when you replace unhealthy thoughts with healthy ones. Sometimes I don't even realize my thoughts aren't quite right until I re-examine the list.

 

I hope your visit to a new place is rejuvenating and relaxing. You've earned it!

[54JA]

This thread is so powerful because GreenCove has walked a road many of us have walked, at least in part, and she describes it so eloquently and with such candor that it transports you back to your own pain. GC, I hope you don't think people are frustrated with you; I think we just want to see you making strides with your "aggressive self-rescue", and it sounds like you are. Maybe you could post about good days and little victories as well? I at least would love to read about them.

 

Your therapist no doubt has given you these already, but here is a list of the most common cognitive distortions. I have them written out on a notecard. When I'm feeling down, I go through the list to see which, if any, distortion might be affecting my thoughts and therefore my mood. It's amazing to see how much better you feel when you replace unhealthy thoughts with healthy ones. Sometimes I don't even realize my thoughts aren't quite right until I re-examine the list.

 

I hope your visit to a new place is rejuvenating and relaxing. You've earned it!

 

My therapist gave me the list too! I also read the book called Feeling Good or something. It talks about how writing down your "automatic thoughts" and looking at how your depression causes one/or more of those distortions helps in feeling better. I found that I tend to use over-generalization and minimization a lot. This is a great stuff!

[Minneloa]

Hi GC,

 

I am sorry that you are hurting so much and feeling isolated. I relate to the intense loneliness you are describing. Last spring, I said to my therapist, "The loneliness is soul-destroying." A bit hyperbolic, perhaps, but that's how I felt at the time. I would go to a Meetup group and have a decent time, but then driving home I would feel even more alone and miss my ex. Ugh! I was so frustrated because I was making efforts to be social and didn't understand why they were seemingly backfiring. But I kept at it, and eventually made a new friend who has made a big difference in how I feel about living here in a place far from home that stills feels tinged by the failure of my relationship. I also (finally, after years of people remarking, "Minneloa, I think yoga might be good for you.") started practicing yoga, and I have found breathing and stretching in a room with other people to be deeply comforting and calming. Still, I struggle with feeling stranded and alone here (a place that is not technically foreign but feels it to me).

 

So, I hear you.

 

M.

[Zapbasket]

The other thing I thought I could do to deal with this blackness is what you all have been saying I should have done from the get-go, and when I say what it is you're all going to roll your eyes.

 

The constituency of this blackness that has overtaken me is a terrible sense of betrayal, disappointment, loss, and confusion in my heart because my feelings for K and the people closely associated with him ran quite deep. I really loved the guy, AND the guy had a lot of problems that were incompatible with an intimate relationship. I don't think that fundamentally, WE were incompatible, which makes it that much more painfully frustrating that there were these problems.

 

Also, the blackness has taken over me because all year, without intending to, I waited for him. I was CERTAIN that he would reach out to me. I didn't believe we necessarily were done. It seemed for a while, at least, and from his mother, that HE didn't believe we were done. I don't know when it changed, or what changed for him, or even whether it consciously changed, but all I can go on is that come this Friday, 365 days have passed since we broke up, and other than one cursory birthday email exchange last September (our b-days are 5 days apart) initiated by him, and an email exchange in early October initiated by me inviting us to work on things and him turning it down, there has been no contact. So it seems it's all really done, then...and I can't explain it, but it just doesn't feel right. That part is not denial speaking, I don't think, but a sense I had throughout the relationship that pointed to things between us being much deeper than this ending would suggest.

 

So no matter how hard I try, I can't shake this sense of confusion. It's a swirl of confusion, hurt, longing and sadness. It's different than anything I've felt before, even after other breakups.

 

What needs to happen is I need to let him go. And I am not sure I actually know how to do that. No joke. I DON'T THINK I KNOW HOW TO LET PEOPLE GO. I think about how now it's nearly 365 days, each one spent coping with this breakup, and I've done everything under the sun except let him go. If I don't let him go, and he doesn't ever contact me, then I'm guaranteed more hurt: the hurt at seeing he has started dating someone; the hurt that his life has actually evolved from where he was stuck while with me; the hurt that he is living his life right down the road from me and I have no part in it (if he stays where he is now); or the hurt that he moved away and I'm still pining for him.

 

The suicide hotline counselor I spoke with yesterday said that he hasn't unfriended me from FB because HE, too, is holding on to some extent. Whether he ever intends to do anything about it is not possible to know, but if we're both hanging on to some extent and no one is going to do anything about it, then I need to do the letting go.

 

I know it should be "easy," and I know many of you have done it. Just click "unfriend" and "block." And do it with his mom and sister and then unfollow or unfriend anyone whose news feed might show info about him or his family that might hurt. Stop spying on him on the dating site. Stop looking to see whether his lights are on when I drive down the highway past where he lives. A few clicks and a refusal to turn my head. And yet it feels SO FRIGHTENING to me to do it. And I realize that maybe, it feels this way because I have never done it with anyone.

 

But at the same time, at this point it seems like the only way?

 

I KNOW this is super-obvious to the rest of you and I can't explain why because it's completely illogical, but...it's really not obvious to me. This break-up, seriously, has made me dumb.

[Zapbasket]

Hi GC,

 

I am sorry that you are hurting so much and feeling isolated. I relate to the intense loneliness you are describing. Last spring, I said to my therapist, "The loneliness is soul-destroying." A bit hyperbolic, perhaps, but that's how I felt at the time. I would go to a Meetup group and have a decent time, but then driving home I would feel even more alone and miss my ex. Ugh! I was so frustrated because I was making efforts to be social and didn't understand why they were seemingly backfiring. But I kept at it, and eventually made a new friend who has made a big difference in how I feel about living here in a place far from home that stills feels tinged by the failure of my relationship. I also (finally, after years of people remarking, "Minneloa, I think yoga might be good for you.") started practicing yoga, and I have found breathing and stretching in a room with other people to be deeply comforting and calming. Still, I struggle with feeling stranded and alone here (a place that is not technically foreign but feels it to me).

 

So, I hear you.

 

M.

 

Yes, not being well connected where you live makes coping when the sh*t hits the fan even more challenging. It really is true, what an ex of mine said that at the time I thought was so cynical: "99% of people are crap, and you have to wade through a lot of crap before you can find a handful of decent people to hang with, let alone be good friends with." And he admittedly sought minimal emotional connection in his friendships, so if you're like me, who SEEKS emotional connection, it increases the odds.

 

How did you cope with the loneliness BEFORE you found this friend? It seems no matter what I do, each hour that passes where I'm alone drops me lower until the space in my mind/soul/heart feels unbearable to inhabit.

[Zapbasket]

That long post I wrote about letting go I had on my screen for a solid few hours and added to it piecemeal while at work. I posted, saw Minneola's post, replied to that, and then saw that in the time between my first post of the day and that one, there were lots more posts. I'm leaving work now but will reply when I get home.

 

Home. Alone. Every day I dread this part, walking up the road to my car and starting the engine knowing that no one is waiting for me, no one is calling me to say, "GC, how are you?" or "GC, won't you come over and snurf in my living room with my dog and my kids [i love pets and kids]?" And my mom cannot deal with my depression and now is not speaking to me because she yelled at me that this "whole thing is pure high school" and I need to "toughen up" and she has "had enough." That felt awesome.

 

Back later.

[elseaacych]

EDIT: GC, your mom doesn't seem to get it. For many people who have a relative or friend coping with depression it's hard to understand, because they don't understand the wear and tear that goes on in your head. If you're open to it, ask her to come to therapy with you, or read an article on how to talk to someone with depression. It may be a hard conversation to have, but it should be had. Do not be afraid to ask for help.

 

Now, back to my original post.

 

GC, it can be so so so hard to actually block and de-friend an ex. I struggled FOR MONTHS with the problem myself, and every so often will have the urge to log onto a friend's account just to see what's going on. Kinda pathetic, no? GC, I can tell you are a very smart person, and you can't be so down on yourself for struggling with something we all have struggled with.

 

You know what to do, You listed out the steps yourself:

 

I know it should be "easy," and I know many of you have done it. Just click "unfriend" and "block." And do it with his mom and sister and then unfollow or unfriend anyone whose news feed might show info about him or his family that might hurt. Stop spying on him on the dating site. Stop looking to see whether his lights are on when I drive down the highway past where he lives. A few clicks and a refusal to turn my head. And yet it feels SO FRIGHTENING to me to do it. And I realize that maybe, it feels this way because I have never done it with anyone.

 

The "what" is not the problem. The "why" is. You know why you shouldn't take all these steps: blocking, unfollowing, just stopping. It is very scary to take that jump. To cut strings. To let go. That "why" is what is keeping you doing the same thing.

 

If you want to let go, you have to know why you want to let go.

 

You just have to know WHY you are making that choice, to keep holding on or to let go. I can't tell you the reason that will trigger you to figure out your "why" you should let go, or what thought process will make you do what you want to do, because it is an immensely personal revelation that you come to on your own. We here can only throw out whale-sized hints.

 

GC, let's pretend you just de-friended your ex, and you are posting on LoveShack, telling us all about it. Write that post, explaining your thought process.

Edited August 20, 2014 by elseaacych