Fear I am not progressing well in coping, 2

[Minneloa]

Yes, not being well connected where you live makes coping when the sh*t hits the fan even more challenging. It really is true, what an ex of mine said that at the time I thought was so cynical: "99% of people are crap, and you have to wade through a lot of crap before you can find a handful of decent people to hang with, let alone be good friends with." And he admittedly sought minimal emotional connection in his friendships, so if you're like me, who SEEKS emotional connection, it increases the odds.

 

How did you cope with the loneliness BEFORE you found this friend? It seems no matter what I do, each hour that passes where I'm alone drops me lower until the space in my mind/soul/heart feels unbearable to inhabit.

 

My worst times were definitely when I was alone in my house, thinking, so I got into the habit of leaving, just rolling it out the door, and being around other people, even if we weren't interacting very much. I would go to a coffeeshop to read a book or to the movies. Yoga class. And Meetup groups--I tried several different ones until I found a couple that were a good fit. Sometimes they were terribly, excruciatingly awkward! But I persisted because I knew the alternative was to stew in my own mind, which was not, at the time, a particularly hospitable place.

 

I should add that I am fortunate to have had a few other close friends here (prior to the one I made through Meetup), so I tried to maximize my time with them, reaching out more than I usually would because I felt so isolated.

 

I know that you are an avid hiker. Is there a hiking Meetup in your area?

 

Sending extra good thoughts!

 

M.

[BC1980]

 

Also, the blackness has taken over me because all year, without intending to, I waited for him. I was CERTAIN that he would reach out to me. I didn't believe we necessarily were done. It seemed for a while, at least, and from his mother, that HE didn't believe we were done. I don't know when it changed, or what changed for him, or even whether it consciously changed, but all I can go on is that come this Friday, 365 days have passed since we broke up, and other than one cursory birthday email exchange last September (our b-days are 5 days apart) initiated by him, and an email exchange in early October initiated by me inviting us to work on things and him turning it down, there has been no contact. So it seems it's all really done, then...and I can't explain it, but it just doesn't feel right. That part is not denial speaking, I don't think, but a sense I had throughout the relationship that pointed to things between us being much deeper than this ending would suggest.

 

So no matter how hard I try, I can't shake this sense of confusion. It's a swirl of confusion, hurt, longing and sadness. It's different than anything I've felt before, even after other breakups.

 

I think a lot of us have dealt with these same feelings. The utter shock that it ended the way it did. How else would it end though? That's what I had to realize for myself as well because you are correct. It doesn't feel "right" at all to end such an important relationship in this way. Of course, it doesn't feel "right."

 

My ending was just as odd and a true WTF moment when I think about it. He texted me Happy Thanksgiving, and I responded with a "thanks." He had gone to NM and gotten me some cookies that I like. You can only get them during the holidays in NM, and he texted me that he had gotten these cookies. He wanted to drop them off at my house, so I told him to leave them outside the door because I was at work. He left them outside, in a box, with some other personal items I must have left at his house. When I got home, I was infuriated, shocked, and disgusted that he would leave that cr@p on my front porch. I texted him that I didn't accept anything that he had done to me, and that he was deceitful in the way he led me on. He never texted back, and I went NC then and there. Pretty odd huh? A sh*tty way to end a 3 year relationship with a man I thought I would grow old with.

 

No, it never felt "right," but I had to accept it for what it was. At a certain point, I just had to cease contact with him because I kept digging a deeper hole. My ex was different than yours in that he wanted to remain friends and I think felt guilt in what he had done. He would always humor me when I would call him with these long, drawn out monologues where I would explain things and try to make sense of it. Basically, the same thing you were considering doing by sending a letter to your ex. You think if you can have one more talk or clear the air, anything to that effect, that this will all make sense, and you can go on about your life. It doesn't work that way. By far, the best thing I did was to make the decision to never speak to this person again. It hurt me like nothing else, and I was basically clinically depressed for 3 months. I definitely wanted things to end for me, but I didn't want to leave my family like that. I didn't want that a**wipe to get the better of me, so I vowed that I wouldn't let him ruin my life. I vowed that I would get through this, and I have little by little.

Edited August 21, 2014 by BC1980

[BC1980]

What needs to happen is I need to let him go. And I am not sure I actually know how to do that. No joke. I DON'T THINK I KNOW HOW TO LET PEOPLE GO. I think about how now it's nearly 365 days, each one spent coping with this breakup, and I've done everything under the sun except let him go. If I don't let him go, and he doesn't ever contact me, then I'm guaranteed more hurt: the hurt at seeing he has started dating someone; the hurt that his life has actually evolved from where he was stuck while with me; the hurt that he is living his life right down the road from me and I have no part in it (if he stays where he is now); or the hurt that he moved away and I'm still pining for him.

 

You have only just started letting go because you held onto the idea that he would contact you again. I held on for 8 months before I decided to face the truth, so I understand that (almost) need to hold on. I think we hold on so tightly because the reality is so darn painful. Once you let go, you have to start coming to terms with many things that you have been trying very hard to deny for months now. I wouldn't be surprised in the least if these next months are very painful for you because you are breaking down that wall of denial. I literally felt like I was dying. I wanted to fall on the ground and scream, and I felt so embarrassed that I even felt that way. It seems silly now, but I truly felt that way at the time. It was a physical pain that I hope to never relive.

 

I think it would be great if you blocked him on FB. It took me a solid year to delete my ex's phone number, so I know how symbolic that stuff can be. The truth is that it really means nothing to be FB friends or have your ex's number in your cell phone. That's a false connection that you are holding onto, and it would be a great step to sever that connection. Difficult to do but very important towards your overall, long term goal. It's painful in the short term, but it's going to get you where you need to be in the long run.

 

Don't worry about why he hasn't blocked you. The suicide hotline person has no idea why. Even if your ex is holding on in some way, it's probably not in the same way as you. Don't attach meaning to something like that.

[Zapbasket]

I didn't get to log on this evening because I fell asleep right after eating dinner, and then I got on the phone with my best friend and called the Suicide Hotline again.

 

What I spoke with the Hotline person about was what options there might be for me to take some time off work to get my emotions better under control. I'm falling apart and people are noticing and I want to take care of myself before things get out of hand. The person told me about Family Medical Leave and said I can keep the reasons for the leave pretty confidential.

 

I feel somewhat ashamed it has come to this but I can't deny that I am having problems and need to do something.

 

I never thought that after a year, instead of things feeling better, they feel worse. I also cannot understand why, when throughout the relationship I clearly saw all the problems, I have not managed to arrive at a place where I say, "It wasn't working and the biggest problems were not ones I could fix. It was not going anywhere and since no solution could be reached to move the relationship in a better direction--or any direction at all--it had to end...and though it hurts, I am better off for it." By now, honestly, I thought I'd be feeling pretty okay with everything, sad, but accepting things, and looking forward to a new chapter.

 

So why has that not happened at all? Why, instead of feeling better, I feel so much worse, so much so that I'm on a suicide hotline getting information and advice on taking a leave from work? What's really bad is that I'm about to have Round Three in an interview process for a position I applied for in the company where I work. It's possible I might be offered it and right now I'm in no condition to take on new job responsibilities and interact within a new department on a different (and busier) work schedule.

 

I'm really falling apart, and I don't understand why. I feel like not only am I getting nowhere, I'm falling backwards. What the frick is wrong with me?

 

Maybe I really will have to move to get past this. Unless he moves. I just thought there could be a better solution.

 

I feel like I have done my very best, and accomplished many good things over this past year while all this has been going on, and yet...here I am.

[54JA]

I am so sorry you are struggling tonight. Hang in there. Hang in there. Hang in there. Just get through tonight. Just think about tonight. Nothing else.

 

If you are hurting like 15 on a scale of 1 through 10, aim for 14 for now. Just the next few minutes. See if you can stop thinking about the future or the past for the next few minutes. Hang in there!!!

[BC1980]

Is it possible to move back to where your family lives? What kind of support system do you have there?

[Zapbasket]

Thank you so much for all the support, everyone. I hit a bit of a crisis point this week, and it has been a huge help to come on here and read all the thoughtful and compassionate responses; they gave me strength.

 

So, update: I took today off work, and went to the doctor. My plan was to get a full check-up, and also discuss my depression and distress and how they seem to be getting the better of me, at the expense of my health. The positive was that I still have excellent vision; 20/13 in both eyes

 

The ambivalent positive is that I have decided, for the first time in my life, to commit to taking a low dose of antidepressant in hopes of helping me get emotionally back on my feet. The doctor was very compassionate and practical both (my ideal combination) and prescribed Lexapro, 1/2 of a 5mg pill progressing to a full 5mg pill per day that she wants me to take for 6 months to ensure I get my seratonin levels back up. I figure at this point, I have nothing to lose, and started on the medication today. I hope I will start to feel a noticeable difference before too long. If it can help me quiet my mind a bit that would be great, because I really have started to go a little cuckoo.

[54JA]

If it can help me quiet my mind a bit that would be great, because I really have started to go a little cuckoo.

 

I am really glad that you got the help you needed. I know you were reluctant to take the antidepressant route, so I am sorry. Some people are opposed to taking antidepressant, and I understand their reasoning. But for me, the meds at least softened the feeling going "cuckoo." While its effect was very subtle and difficult to tell, I remember one day thinking, "I haven't felt like I am losing my mind in a while." You will probably still feel the pain, but hopefully, it won't drive you crazy much anymore.

[Minneloa]

That was a brave step, GC, reaching out to your doctor for help. I am thinking of you, sending tons of positive vibes, and hoping that the meds kick in soon and provide you with some relief.

 

M.

[elseaacych]

Good for you, GC! Hopefully, your meds will help you feel better. You've made a lot of progress, and I am glad that you are keeping us updated on all of it. If you have the right combination, you will find that your mind quiets down. It's a peaceful feeling.

 

Please continue keeping us updated.

 

Sending you a big hug!!!

[BC1980]

I think the meds may help you get to the other side. Sometimes, all the therapy and good intentions in the world just can't take care of it all. I took Paxil many years ago, and it helped me to simply wade through the negative thoughts more effectively. It did help "quiet" my mind, so that I could actually make strides forward.

[Zapbasket]

So, deciding to get some assistance via meds marked, for me, a step forward. Yesterday I had a third-round interview for a position with my current company that I'm not sure is right for me, but showing up / making it this far also marks a step forward in that I'm getting out there and concretely making strides to grow my life.

 

Okay. But there's still the stickier issue of finding it in me to let go of K. and gain acceptance of the fact that we are not in each others' lives. I met with my therapist yesterday and spoke about this, and came to understand more clearly that for me, the bad in the relationship came alloyed with something very deep and good, an intangible I can't articulate but just FELT, and that it is the bad--K's "constitutional incapability" for an intimate, authentic relationship--that has led to me being shunned so vehemently from his life. My therapist said that no matter how you cut it, that is some very confusing stuff. I certainly cannot disagree.

 

This morning was a setback in that I went on Facebook and found that K's mom had posted pictures of her other son's very impressive summer mountain climbing adventures. That in itself doesn't give me any pangs--actually I find the photos inspiring--but then this girl commented on the album, "What an awesome experience! You've raised some pretty amazing kids, [K's mom]!" "This Girl" is one of K's exes. From K as well as his mom, it didn't sound like they dated very seriously, and K, in the charming way he spoke about his exes, said that this girl was "dumb" and it was embarrassing for him to bring her around his scientist coworkers in the job he had at the time they dated. In the beginning of K's and my relationship, she would post on his Facebook and yes, she sounded dumb. She even has her name misspelled on LinkedIn . But what I didn't like was that it was clear she had ZERO boundaries and clear that even if K didn't have feelings for her, SHE certainly had residual feelings for him. K even told me that the girlfriend he had after this girl and he went to lunch with this ex. I could just imagine / intuit the dynamics at play in that event and told him a) that I would never be having lunch with any of his exes and b) that I was uncomfortable with the way this girl keeps sniffing around and the dumb, inappropriate sh*t she was posting on his wall. Shortly after, the postings stopped; I think because he just ignored them. I also know that after he broke up with his previous ex, she came sniffing back, calling him all the time, etc. And having been K's girlfriend myself, I can just imagine that part of what's at play is that he was derisive and irritable with her, too, and it hurt her (K's mom told me she noticed this when they dated), and now she's trying to win his approval because she is codependent and lacks self-respect. (I say this knowing I have codependent traits, too, otherwise I'd not have put up with K's behavior. Well, I put up with it in that I stayed in the relationship, but I argued with him about it all the time, which was a huge waste and has now clearly set me in the role in K's mind as a pariah.)

 

Anyway, ever since K and I broke up--literally, RIGHT AFTER we broke up--this girl has been all over K's Facebook. She is also FB friends with K's sister and mom, like me, and now has moved to commenting on their walls and photos, etc., as well. She blats stuff out like she is best friends with all of them (again, showing she has, like, no boundaries), and the whole thing hurts, angers, and confuses me. I know K would never re-up dating her; he never seemed interested and said he didn't love her; but I'm sure enjoys the ego boost of her cloying attention.

 

It seems like such a small, "high school" thing, but it hurts because I KNOW K. had more feelings for me than for her; I KNOW I mattered more to his mom and sister and family; I KNOW I was capable of caring and cared more for K, in a non-superficial way, than this so obviously clueless, stupid girl. I have much more history with K's mom especially and yet I would NEVER post such things on her wall that this girl posts. It hurts that she is allowed in as part of things, even if only on FB because it represents being allowed in emotionally even if to a superficial extent, and that in some ways she will supplant me because of course K's mom will support and interact with someone her son likes enough to allow into his life. She even "liked" a photo on this girl's wall the other day, which hurt because it seems like an acknowledgement that she knows this girl and K are friends.

 

I guess this all also hurts because today marks FOUR weeks since I've heard from K's mom--the longest amount of time that has passed since she has reached out to me. She is no more busy right now, I know, than she was all the other times she still managed to reach out to me. Four weeks ago we spoke on the phone and the conversation was a bit awkward, but she did tell me that when she came back into town she'd hook up with me and we'd make plans to see each other live.

 

I know that even if the relationship with her "has" to end, I at least want an opportunity to sit with her and just acknowledge mutually that the situation has changed. She was so adamant for such a long time that she was going to keep me close to her; that she wanted me in her life, etc. I began to fully trust that, and now she seems to be slinking away.

 

I feel like they all view me as some sort of pariah when at one time they all seemed to think I was the best thing that had happened to K., and K. seemed to think so, too--at least, that part of him that didn't have to push me away and deliberately get a rise out of me.

 

It really hurts, and I know maybe at least if I disconnected from them all on social media at least I wouldn't notice this stuff, these dumb interactions and comments. That's on me. I know. But I know that I'm hanging on to even this last vestige of superficial connection because it's so hard to let go of the hope that somehow at the very least this shunning and things left hanging in the way he ended the relationship could right itself. I was a good girlfriend and it just seems so unfortunate that he can't / won't / ??? see it that way. I cared so much for these people--I'm sure way more deeply than that dumb girl on his FB--and it hurts that is just is unnoticed.

 

Also, as I said no matter what his mom and I work at the same company and will interact there especially this winter and so that leaves things hanging, as well.

Edited August 23, 2014 by GreenCove

[Minneloa]

GC,

 

I am sorry that you are upset, but I truly feel that this Facebook activity is self-sabotage on your part. It serves, in my view, absolutely no purpose and ends up sending you into a spiral of pain. Can you see that? You are torturing yourself emotionally by focusing on people who are no longer in your life. It's been a year, and this is what happens, most times, after a break-up: you are no longer included in the lives of your ex or his/her family. It doesn't mean you're a pariah or that they have negative feelings towards you; it just means that it's awkward and people have moved on.

 

The beauty of NC is that it removes these triggers and sources of hurtful information. I feel like you are clinging so hard to a thread of hope that is not borne out by actual facts (K's year of silence) and holding on to a past that no longer, sadly, exists, when you were a part of his family. I know that is very painful to you, but it is reality, so why not give yourself the opportunity to face it, grieve it, and move forward?

 

If you can't bring yourself yet to remove K. and his family from FB, at least get away from the computer for awhile. What are your plans for this weekend? I encourage you to leave the house & be among people.

 

Sending good thoughts,

M.

[BC1980]

GC, what in the world does examining so expansively the thoughts of this ex of K's do to help you move forward? You are basically the one sinking your own ship at this time. You need tough love because you are simply not getting it. We have told you to unfriend or block his family on FB. Why haven't you done that yet?

 

Social media is awful for a breakup GC. One of the worst things out there because you are so set back by some girl that might have casually dated K liking a FB photo of his mom's. Do you see what has happened here? What the ex did on FB has hit upon some deep fears you have about being replaced, and I do think those feelings are real. I understood and related to what you posted about the relationship between the family changing after a breakup. Many of us have felt these same things, but do you realize that you are allowing something completely innocuous to ignite all of these emotions? If you can't defriend the mom, then get off FB yourself.

 

You don't have to let yourself spiral when you see FB. That absolutely does not have to happen, and the control is in your hands. Every time I think you are taking positive steps forward, you take a big step back by letting your thoughts get the best of you. Remove yourself from anything that triggers these thoughts because you can't fight to move on if you are allowing so much outside noise to get in. You are fighting a losing battle.

[BC1980]

You are torturing yourself emotionally by focusing on people who are no longer in your life. It's been a year, and this is what happens, most times, after a break-up: you are no longer included in the lives of your ex or his/her family. It doesn't mean you're a pariah or that they have negative feelings towards you; it just means that it's awkward and people have moved on.

 

Take this advice GC, and accept that you are not a part of K's family anymore. I don't think you have accepted that fact at all, and you cling to FB or his mom to feel like a part of K's life. The fact is that you will always feel like an outsider now, and having any interaction with his mom reinforces where you now stand. I personally would not want that reinforced and thrown in my face, so I have cut nearly all ties with my ex's family. Yes, I do still occasionally speak to his sister, but she is not on social media. I have no way to keep tabs on her daily life. I haven't even talked to her in 4 months, and I would be okay not talking to her again.

 

Yes, it is very painful to accept that the relationship with his family is different, but you don't have much choice. Better to accept it, process it, and grieve over it, than to stay stuck in all these emotions by holding onto something that isn't even there. Personally, I could not imagine how painful it would be to be friends with an ex's family on social media. I think that would be an incredible torture to inflict upon myself, which is why I am not friends with even any of his distant family on FB.

 

Take M's advice on getting out and around people. I used to take my book to the park or a coffee house, just so I could be around anyone when I would have been alone at home.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

GC:

 

Congratulations on starting an antidepressant! It will not solve your problems, bring you peace, or make you a different, better person. In my experience an antidepressant is merely the difference between "I'm so miserable I won't get out of bed" and "Even though I'm so miserable, I can get out of bed." All it does is provide you enough oomph to carry on; it doesn't heal you, but it makes it possible to heal yourself, if that makes any sense.

 

As others have said, PLEASE block this guy and his family already! No, they do not think you are a pariah or have any really negative feelings towards you. They simply recognize that you no longer have a role in their lives. There is no need to sit down with K's mother and mutually acknowledge things have changed; you are both aware that the situation is different now.

 

I am sure you recognize that just seeing this activity puts you into a destructive, dangerous tailspin, and I hope you find the strength to stop it. I was struck by how much of your post was about that "dumb", "codependent", "clueless" and "stupid" girl and your insistence that you always meant more than she did. I understand the sentiment but it's so counterproductive to lash out against the past this way. Nothing you say or do can change what has happened. You can only try to be the best version of yourself for the future, which may mean spending some time on an antidepressant and finding new ways to love yourself. For now, you should heed the advice of other posters and spend time with friends or go out. Perhaps a friend can help hold you accountable with blocking K and his family on social media.

[elseaacych]

GC:

 

I understand your sentiment about lashing out towards someone who just appears to be worming her way back in. When my ex posted the news he'd gotten together with his new girlfriend, her picture was of her dog. So, in my mind, she will always be a dog.

 

Hahaha. Funny.

 

Except that I think it feels dumb to hate on other people you don't even know. I mean, I hated on this girl for while and felt dumb about it because I didn't feel any better. I don't know if this is how you feel about your feelings toward seeing others on face book.

 

BUT WOMAN, IT DOES NOT MAKE YOU HAPPY TO SEE THIS STUFF.

 

Do you care more about your feelings, or theirs?

[elseaacych]

Upon reading my last post, I realize that it could be read as a little frustrated. (I was.) And I hope this example from my own situation can help you.

 

I had a lot of trouble with my ex on social media. It made me so sad to see him moving on with life, and not paying any attention to me. To see that he wasn't as impacted by the loss of what we had as much as I was. It took me about five months to block him. This, coincidentally, coincided with the arc of my major depression. Once I blocked him, I started slowly (very slowly), feeling better.

 

I was finally motivated to block my ex when I realized that he couldn't care less what I was up to. He wasn't my friend, because everything I saw from him, his sister, his mom, just hurt.

 

FRIENDSHIPS. SHOULD. NOT. HURT.

 

I didn't want to see what he was up to, because, at this point, I could tell it was making me miserable. And frankly, because he didn't want to see my stuff, I didn't want to see his, why even bother with this "friendship"? So I unfriended him, and blocked him. Mission accomplished. I did need validation from everyone that I cared about that what I was doing was ABSOLUTELY 100% OKAY. So anyway, I did it.

 

...

 

Lo and behold, nothing happened. Except I started feeling better. I had taken a step in the right direction, and everyone around me that I cared about made sure I knew it. I started eating again, doing more things, havng fun. It took several months to get to where I am today. Somewhat happier, much healthier.

 

I know you may feel some anxiety about cutting your ex's family loose on social media. It seems like you are shoving him away forever. Technology is amazing, and it makes recreating connections with people so easy, if you should ever want to do that. If you de-friend him and block him on facebook, you can always unblock him and re-friend him. You can always add his phone number back to your phone. You can look him up in the phonebook if he moves. You are not cutting him loose in the sense you think. You are just giving yourself space to think, and if, in the interim, he wants to put substantial effort into finding you, he can.

 

You just need to cut away the stuff that is hurting you. You have to want to do it.

 

But, that, in the end, is 100% on you.

 

I hope my story strikes a chord with you, GC. I want to empower you to take the step in the direction you know you want to go, because you have been hurting far too long, and you deserve a life THAT. IS. SO. MUCH. BETTER., and you should know that even though we are just faces on the other side of the computer screen, God-knows-how-far away. We do want you to get through this. And we know you can do it.

 

Because you can.

 

Sending you another big hug...

Edited August 24, 2014 by elseaacych

[Zapbasket]

Well, it has been one full year and the approach to the anniversary as well as the aftermath has really affected me. I feel really weird, and at a loss. "Where do I go from here?" I keep asking myself. This whole past year everything I managed to accomplish was accomplished in a fog, where sadness prevailed, but I had direction in that everything was aimed to stabilize my situation--I moved from seasonal work to a full-time, year-round position (they had proven very, very difficult to come by where I live), I met some new people though none really proved to make it to the status of new FRIENDS, and I had several enjoyable trips and outdoor adventures. I had signed up for some courses back in January, but just felt too overwhelmed to muster the concentration and make the time for an entire semester, and so I dropped them.

 

Two friends I thought were friends out here dropped me--one, who had been a friend of both K's and mine, hit on me and I had to walk away; the other inexplicably cut me off after telling me I was the first person out here she'd developed a close friendship with. My mom couldn't deal with my emotions (this is a longstanding pattern) and we now are estranged and I haven't seen her for a whole year. It was one hell of a horrible year and I honestly can't believe I made it through as well as I did, even though at the time it didn't feel like I was doing well at all.

 

Now I feel like hopefully the grip of the breakup's aftermath will be lessened as this next year progresses, and so while I'll still feel very sad probably for some time to come, at least my mind will be a bit more free to figure out where to go from here.

 

I'm bored in my job but I don't feel up to a laborious search for a different one this fall. I have spent so much of the past several years job hunting, I just feel worn out and now, seriously uncertain of my path. My current job gets very busy in the winter, and the bad thing about that is it locks me into a social scene that just doesn't click with me at all.

 

I have GOT to find some friends. I feel very shaky because of so many relationship failures over the past year; it all really shattered my social confidence. I despair of finding people I truly click with and I can't say it enough that I have tried every way in the book. Things like Meetup and clubs and groups don't really exist here in this small town except for older, retired folks. There is a ton of hiking here but no "hiking club" for people my age. I've hardly been just sitting at home. But it's harder and harder to do the things that are my passion because I can't find people who can go with me, either owing to work schedules or just not knowing them well enough. I love camping and hiking and SUP-ing--pretty much anything outdoors that is highly energetic.

 

And I feel weird about K. I think the reason I got flustered seeing his ex post on his mom's page is less because I fear something will happen between them (it won't; besides she lives across the country), but because he has an ex who thinks so highly of him that she keeps worming her way in. NONE of my exes ever have reached out to me and it's a real confidence-burster. I can only imagine how much K's confidence is bolstered by her admiration and attention to him. I'm sure he thinks, "If [ex] is my friend and thinks so much of me, then I can't be that bad, and GC was just wrong." I can't tell you how much I'd love it if my ex from 2007 would reach out and solicit a friendship with me.

 

I feel very unsuccessful in love and relationships, and it's really hard not to think there must be something wrong with you, that it's so hard to win good, lasting relationships. Even my own mother can't stand me; she has hung up on me so many times this year, and yelled at me when I've been at my lowest. It's hard not to feel hopeless when no one is around to affirm to you that you are loveable and a great friend.

 

There still is a long road ahead and it's hard for me not to notice that once again K is out of town this weekend, as he has been pretty much every weekend from the beginning of July until now. I can't imagine where he suddenly found all these friends to do stuff with--I mean, he did grow up here but while we dated, he had no friends locally and all his longstanding friends were married with young children and dispersed around the state. It's hard for me not to compare myself with him, and feel like a double loser for a) still grieving the loss of our relationship and b) having such a bloody hard time finding friends.

 

Next weekend I'll be leaving town, and the week of my birthday I'm taking off from work and planning to go to a national park, like I did last year, just to escape the disappointment of no one wishing me a happy birthday.

 

It's good to have this thread to get this off my chest.

[Zapbasket]

 

I know you may feel some anxiety about cutting your ex's family loose on social media. It seems like you are shoving him away forever. Technology is amazing, and it makes recreating connections with people so easy, if you should ever want to do that. If you de-friend him and block him on facebook, you can always unblock him and re-friend him. You can always add his phone number back to your phone. You can look him up in the phonebook if he moves. You are not cutting him loose in the sense you think. You are just giving yourself space to think, and if, in the interim, he wants to put substantial effort into finding you, he can.

 

You just need to cut away the stuff that is hurting you. You have to want to do it.

 

But, that, in the end, is 100% on you.

 

I hope my story strikes a chord with you, GC. I want to empower you to take the step in the direction you know you want to go, because you have been hurting far too long, and you deserve a life THAT. IS. SO. MUCH. BETTER., and you should know that even though we are just faces on the other side of the computer screen, God-knows-how-far away. We do want you to get through this. And we know you can do it.

 

Because you can.

 

Sending you another big hug...

 

Thanks, Elseaaych. I know I should block, or at least just not go on FB at all for a long while. Knowing this and being ready to do it are not matching up yet. I mean, his mom and I, because of work, have about 70 mutual friends. It will be very hard to shun her entirely on FB. And then if I put myself in the dark in terms of social media, what do I do with our proximity that makes it inevitable I will see them / find stuff out / see or hear things that will hurt me?

 

They are all one big family that everyone knows and likes, and I'm just me, still on the outskirts, it feels like. I just feel very small and alone and it doesn't help me bite the bullet and cut them off. I feel very uncertain--I can't bear more hurt, but I'm not sure where that hurt is most likely to come from: social media, or with me just going about my business and trying to move forward here?

[Minneloa]

Thanks, Elseaaych. I know I should block, or at least just not go on FB at all for a long while. Knowing this and being ready to do it are not matching up yet. I mean, his mom and I, because of work, have about 70 mutual friends. It will be very hard to shun her entirely on FB. And then if I put myself in the dark in terms of social media, what do I do with our proximity that makes it inevitable I will see them / find stuff out / see or hear things that will hurt me?

 

They are all one big family that everyone knows and likes, and I'm just me, still on the outskirts, it feels like. I just feel very small and alone and it doesn't help me bite the bullet and cut them off. I feel very uncertain--I can't bear more hurt, but I'm not sure where that hurt is most likely to come from: social media, or with me just going about my business and trying to move forward here?

 

Hi GC,

 

Yesterday, the hurt came directly from FB, and sent you into an emotional tailspin in which you were perseverating on the motives and character of one of K's ex-girlfriends. This is entirely unnecessary suffering! You are in a difficult and vulnerable place right now; you do not need the added stress of social media information.

 

Given FB's power to affect you so negatively, I sincerely don't understand why you are not taking self-protective measures in this regard. Why not control what you can (social media) and deal with what you can't (in-person encounters) as they arise? Alternatively, why not deactivate FB for a spell so you can give yourself some breathing room from these triggers? This is an urgent matter of self-care, and if you wait until you feel ready, you are participating in self-torture. Give yourself a break, GC; you have more than enough on your plate right now.

 

I know you feel scared and anxious about severing these electronic cords; I think most people do. But as a poster said earlier in this thread: let your head do the leading right now, not your heart. You can honor your feelings and still make a conscious decision to remove yourself from a source of serious hurt.

 

Sending good thoughts,

M.

[Zapbasket]

I agree with what all of you are saying. I just am not ready to do it. If I can just keep sorting through my feelings on here--my only real whenever-I-need-to outlet--then I'm sure I can get myself to a place where I can.

 

Again, my concern is that I take that step and still have it literally in my face because they all live down the road, I work with his mom, his mom and I have 70-ish mutual FB friends, where I work is a place where K and his whole family including his little nieces all visit recreationally, it's a good possibility his brother will be working where I work this winter, and for all I know it's possible that K will return to work where I work this winter, too.

 

Like I said, I just feel overpowered, like nobody here has my back, recognizes me, or truly cares me beyond superficial "caring."

[Minneloa]

Again, my concern is that I take that step and still have it literally in my face because they all live down the road, I work with his mom, his mom and I have 70-ish mutual FB friends, where I work is a place where K and his whole family including his little nieces all visit recreationally, it's a good possibility his brother will be working where I work this winter, and for all I know it's possible that K will return to work where I work this winter, too.

 

At the risk of being argumentative, I do not understand the logic of the paragraph above. What does FB have to do with the physical proximity of K. and his family? If you delete/block them, they still exist IRL, but at least you don't have to deal with the social media triggers, which have proven to be very upsetting to you.

 

Like I said, it's not a matter of being ready. It's a matter of self-protection from the sort of extreme emotional spiral you subjected yourself to yesterday. Given your current situation, I feel strongly that you cannot afford these sorts of extra stressors.

 

Here's a question: what do you fear will happen if you remove K. and his family from social media? What is the worst case scenario?

 

M.

Edited August 24, 2014 by Minneloa

[Zapbasket]

Here's a question: what do you fear will happen if you remove K. and his family from social media? What is the worst case scenario?

 

M.

 

That at work, where I've kept my struggles so much under wraps that no one knows I dated one of D's sons for 3.5 years, someone will casually mention D in the context of the family and not know that they just dropped an info bomb that sends me spinning and wondering and having to pretend it totally doesn't affect me.

 

That K AND his brother will work where I do this winter and I will have to encounter them.

 

That K and I will end up on the ski mountain together, at the lift at the same time, and he'll see me skiing alone (which I often do) while he'll be with some guy friends or on a date.

 

That I'll walk into a restaurant nearby and encounter K and his entire family, including his little nieces who will recognize me, and there will be some new person or something new or different that makes me wonder.

 

That I'll start seeing K out with a girl and it will drive me mad wondering who she is, where they met, how serious it is, whether he treats her the same way he treated me, etc.

 

These scenarios all seem overwhelming because my current state is one that is very lonely and vulnerable. If things started to shift for me and I found some people I really clicked with and just felt less isolated and happier, then these scenarios likely would be more manageable.

[Minneloa]

That at work, where I've kept my struggles so much under wraps that no one knows I dated one of D's sons for 3.5 years, someone will casually mention D in the context of the family and not know that they just dropped an info bomb that sends me spinning and wondering and having to pretend it totally doesn't affect me.

 

That K AND his brother will work where I do this winter and I will have to encounter them.

 

That K and I will end up on the ski mountain together, at the lift at the same time, and he'll see me skiing alone (which I often do) while he'll be with some guy friends or on a date.

 

That I'll walk into a restaurant nearby and encounter K and his entire family, including his little nieces who will recognize me, and there will be some new person or something new or different that makes me wonder.

 

That I'll start seeing K out with a girl and it will drive me mad wondering who she is, where they met, how serious it is, whether he treats her the same way he treated me, etc.

 

These scenarios all seem overwhelming because my current state is one that is very lonely and vulnerable. If things started to shift for me and I found some people I really clicked with and just felt less isolated and happier, then these scenarios likely would be more manageable.

 

So, if I am hearing you correctly, FB provides you with a sense of control, and the information you gather makes you feel less vulnerable to unexpected exposure to events/developments in K's life?

 

The problem is that any of these things you list above could happen without prior FB notification, not to mention that FB is a notoriously unreliable source of truth. People mostly use it for self-promotion and -aggrandizement. So, for example, if K. does start dating someone else, FB will be a highly untrustworthy account of their relationship. Moreover, you can't control the most painful basic occurrence, which is that K. and his family have moved on and you are no longer a part of their lives.

 

Bottom line: I worry that these social media ties keep you connected to and invested in K's life, and, more broadly, the past, in a way that is detrimental to you and that keeps you from acknowledging the finality of your breakup. That's why I keep returning to the subject: because of what it represents in terms of your hope and denial.

 

I might have mentioned this to you already, but when I de-friended my ex (2 months post-breakup, after I saw something that hurt my feelings), I asked my best friend very plaintively, "Will this keep him from coming back?", which shows how tightly I was clinging to that one last connection between us. It made me sad to delete him, but at least I freed myself from the pain of (ultimately useless) information about his life without me.

 

M.