Fear I am not progressing well in coping, 2

[BC1980]

I know you weren't snapping at me. It's cool.

 

I'm sorry you are coming to these realizations because I had to come to some similar ones. It's really effing painful to realize that the relationship wasn't exactly what you thought it was at the time. I don't think my ex loved me unconditionally, but I had tricked myself into believing that while we were together. There were a few instances, two I can think of right now, that clearly demonstrated he didn't love me unconditionally, but I chose not to take those into account after they happened. I was hurt at the time, but I basically wrote the instances off and hoped it would get better. Of course, it only escalated over time. I fought against the truth for a long time after the relationship because it just hurt so darn much. But once I was able to admit the truth, I slowly let go because I realized that I didn't want that type of love for myself. It took severel months for it not to be so painful, but it's not nearly as painful as it once was. I guess I'm saying that internalizing the truth, however painful, set me free.

[elseaacych]

I am glad that you were able to have a good encounter with his mom and I hope you left the encounter feeling whole- however, that doesn't necessarily seem to be the case from your last post. I hope that you two can have a good relationship, but at the time being, for your sake, your ex has to be kept out of it. That being said, you have to continue to keep guard over your emotions.

 

Now, off the topic of you and your ex's mom... and on to the next. Reconciling feelings that no longer exist, and being left feeling empty. That very much is the depression amplifying your internal feelings. You are not empty.

 

What was there for 3.5 years was there. Your perception of the good times, and the bad, were there on your part. You can own your feelings. You do not have to be ashamed of them because he didn't feel the same way. In fact, you should feel quite lucky that you have felt as strongly as you felt in regards to your love for him. Because not everybody gets to feel that.

 

You are also lucky, because you have a forum of strangers on the internet who will read all of your rants, and relate, and have thoughts and advice to give. I try to check this thread every day at least once, because I want to help you move through this and help you be the best you you can be.

 

Love, in all of its forms is a renewable resource. But sometimes you have to look to renew it in other places when you recognize that where you are currently looking has run out of it. You have to have faith that you will find someone wonderful, more wonderful, again, sometime. You have to have faith that you will find other meaningful relationships. You have to believe in you. You should. You know why? You've had so many large victories. You were able to rekindle an old connection, you've started medication to get yourself back on track. You've been able to recognize when you need to reach out. Give yourself a lot of credit.

 

And give yourself permission to let go.

 

What have you done, for you, today?

Edited August 28, 2014 by elseaacych

[Carpe-diem]

Hello again GC,

 

I really feel your pain and frustration. You are seeing the reality of the relationship and not the perception you had of it and this is good.

 

Of course K would not take responsibility for his faults in the relationship. That would be admitting he's done wrong and would have to make changes that would suit you but not him. Can I ask did he ever apologise to you during the relationship and when you broke up? My ex told me he never says he's sorry because he never thinks he's wrong! I mean WTF!! Yet the first time we went on a date he was late and said sorry about 10 times before we sat down to talk.

 

My ex is similar to K in that he projected and deflected his problems onto others. He was always moaning. Hated his house, hated his journey to work, hated the people on his journey to work, hated work, hated the weather. On and on it would go. Always someone else's fault. Yet he cared about the injustice in the world, compassionate about mankind but not the humans close to him. He seemed to have a bad relationship with his parents. I can only guess as I was never introduced to them (massive red flag). People like him and K can care for people at a distance because they won't get close to them and see them for who they really are. It's self preservation to them.

 

The difference between our exes is mine did admit he f**ked up all his past relationships. He used to warn me he would probably f**k me up and I should leave him. I'm better off without him. When I would say okay, I'll let you go he would change his mind. This is the push and pull. This is the self preservation because if I confronted him about how he treated me he could turn around and say, "But I did warn you", implying it's my fault and I knew what I was getting myself into. You know what he's right. We get treated the way we allow people to treat us. I was walking on eggshells with him. I didn't speak up half as much as I should have for fear of him leaving me. I rewarded his bad behaviour because I didn't have the belief in myself that I was better than that, something I'm working on now.

 

You said, "How can you be with someone and nothing be there". You are doing what we all do, questioning what was real and what was fake. You'll likely never know. Why did I do this, why did I do that you are now asking yourself. Simple, you loved him. Nothing wrong with that. Take that as a positive. It shows you are not a robot and you are capable of great love. You have done and you will do again. Don't let K rob you of that powerful emotion.

 

An earlier post said you come on LS to be weak. Trust me you're not. Weak would be lying in front of his truck begging him to take you back. You are strong, you're just having a crap time making sense of it all. I know only to well that head f**k. Yesterday I cried 3 times, just because I am so fed up of it all but it does get better. xx

[elseaacych]

 

I have said that by the end of summer, my goal is to have truly "broken up with" my ex in my mind. Meaning, where I own my judgment of his behavior both in the relationship and after it and feel confident in the decision that because of that consistent behavior and what it says about his character and ability to be a partner in an intimate relationship, he is not someone I'd want to date, or have in my life in any way.

 

Been reading through some really old posts. This was back on page 5-6, about may 23rd-ish.

 

GC, seeing this, how do you think you have progressed since then?

[Zapbasket]

 

Originally Posted by GreenCove

I have said that by the end of summer, my goal is to have truly "broken up with" my ex in my mind. Meaning, where I own my judgment of his behavior both in the relationship and after it and feel confident in the decision that because of that consistent behavior and what it says about his character and ability to be a partner in an intimate relationship, he is not someone I'd want to date, or have in my life in any way.

 

 

Been reading through some really old posts. This was back on page 5-6, about may 23rd-ish.

 

GC, seeing this, how do you think you have progressed since then?

 

I have had to think about this one. In the continuum of coping with undesirable and painful reality, I know I've made progress, but of course I still struggle.

 

I'm going to break down my stated goal from May and examine the parts:

 

by the end of summer, my goal is to have truly "broken up with" my ex in my mind.

 

I feel, and therefore can comfortably say, "The breakup needed to happen if nothing was going to change." But I still feel strongly also that it didn't need to happen the way it did, and the way he treated me especially around the relationship's end still hurts me and I still have trouble accepting the reality that that's it--that there may never be an apology or opportunity to revisit and discuss together in a mature fashion. It's a wound that, without his sincere apology and some form of reconciliation, will always have a painful scar.

 

where I own my judgment of his behavior both in the relationship and after it

 

Especially in the past couple of months, I've made a lot of progress in this. His behavior in the relationship was not something I should ever have tolerated and I don't think my psyche has an opening anymore wherein I'd ever be susceptible to accepting such behavior in the future. It wasn't just how he treated ME, but his attitude: he was negative and derisive and used those sentiments as a basis for his actions. I used to excuse the negativity and derision by saying that when you're going through a rough time, sometimes you need to vent off the bad emotions so that you can get to a place where you see things in a more level way. But he never came around to seeing things in a more level way; his mind stopped with the bad emotions and then he'd just piss all over everything in response. Not surprisingly, these were the tools he employed at the end of our relationship, which is why we are where we are now. Someone who can't weather difficulties without blaming others/circumstances is not someone I could build a future with. I see that clearly now.

 

But I do still have niggles of fear, less than before but they're still there, that the loss of me chastened him somewhat and he is going forward with a consciously better attitude and a bit of humility. I imagine him having a better attitude right now and treating the people in his life with more patience and less irritability, and then it hurts all the more that he discarded me without ever reconsidering or acknowledging his role in our relationship's demise. I think somewhere in this is a tie to an old belief that I have this unique power to bring out bad behavior in people because I am "difficult." I don't know. I need to work on this one, but I have to admit that the fear still exists.

 

because of that consistent behavior and what it says about his character and ability to be a partner in an intimate relationship, he is not someone I'd want to date, or have in my life in any way.

 

Again, I've made progress on this front especially in the past few months, but again, I still struggle. It's hard for me to say I wouldn't want him in my life in any way. I don't like at all that this is the outcome and I don't think it would be any different had I been the one to initiate and enforce this outcome. What I wanted was for him to stay committed to me, and to work on his issues and by extension our issues, together with me. If he had brought that one difference into the mix, then he'd very much be someone I wanted in my life and to date. But since the reality is something different, then no, I do not want someone in my life who would throw 3.5 years away without a care and with zero self-examination or empathy. But that truth doesn't feel like a liberation; it's painful and makes me sad. I don't see it ever NOT being a sad fact. As I've always said, this outcome didn't need to be the outcome. But it's not surprising that it was the outcome. It's just a huge shame. The best place I think I can hope to arrive at with this is where I go forward in my life maintaining much tighter restrictions on who gets my heart, my time, my consideration.

 

Today I solo-climbed another fourteen-thousand-foot peak. I didn't encounter anyone until near the summit, when a few people caught up to me and wanted to strike up a conversation. I really wanted my solitude on this climb. Normally, in order to "be polite," I'd push aside my needs in this situation and be friendly and conversational. But this time, while I was cordial and certainly not rude, I made it clear that I wanted to continue alone AND I DIDN'T FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT. This represents a huge step forward for me in general because my tendency is to be accommodating to a fault, even with strangers. These folks may have found me a bit standoffish, but my own needs were more important to me than making them feel good at my expense. this is the kind of attitude I need to have going forward--the courage to value my needs as at least as important as those of others. On the mountain today, my needs prevailed because it was hardly going to harm these strangers that I wasn't overly friendly.

 

Overall, where K is concerned, I still feel really sad. I so wish the outcome could be different than this. I so wish he would contact me and we could have a talk. It would be very healing, for me and I can just imagine for him, too, once he got past the initial discomfort. I know I probably won't hear from him, because he's in a place in his life where breaking his comfort zone to be vulnerable in any way is more threatening to him, than potentially healing.

 

So, that's where I am with it all.

[Zapbasket]

 

Of course K would not take responsibility for his faults in the relationship. That would be admitting he's done wrong and would have to make changes that would suit you but not him. Can I ask did he ever apologise to you during the relationship and when you broke up?

 

No, he didn't. Even in his breakup email, his "apologies" always felt like he was issuing them because he knew they were what I wanted to hear, not because he felt truly sorry from within his own heart because he empathically recognized how his behavior could make me feel. When he'd push my buttons to get a rise out of me, as soon as I'd express displeasure he'd issue a hasty apology, clearly hoping the problem would go away. But of course I'd be standing there, confused and wanting to know WHY he had to disrupt our peace by acting like an azz and that's when he'd get mad, turn the tables and say *I* was escalating everything. Round and round and round it went, but in all the 3.5 years, despite my basically asking him to stop the same behavior over and over, he NEVER seemed to understand or care how it affected me, and our relationship. His "apologies" had no meat, because there was no behavioral change.

 

My ex told me he never says he's sorry because he never thinks he's wrong! I mean WTF!! Yet the first time we went on a date he was late and said sorry about 10 times before we sat down to talk.

 

K. said something looney to me along those lines: that he had no trust issues. Another time: that he had no baggage. He actually seemed to believe those things were true, and when I responded, "K., everyone has baggage, and anyone who has been abandoned or had experiences early in your life like you had will struggle with trust later in life." But he denied it utterly, and then flipped the tables, saying *I* was the one with baggage and trust issues.

 

The difference between our exes is mine did admit he f**ked up all his past relationships. He used to warn me he would probably f**k me up and I should leave him. I'm better off without him. When I would say okay, I'll let you go he would change his mind. This is the push and pull. This is the self preservation because if I confronted him about how he treated me he could turn around and say, "But I did warn you", implying it's my fault and I knew what I was getting myself into.

 

K. didn't and doesn't have such self-awareness. He fully believes that he is capable of and wants an intimate relationship. This also was what was so confusing to me and what kept me in the relationship longer than I should have stayed--he could be so sweet and solicitous and clearly enjoying our times together and my company and the fact that he was in a relationship with me...but then that never resulted in any ACTION or talk about a future with me, and then at the drop of a hat he could push me away with irritability, contempt, pushing my buttons, sullenness, etc.

 

That's why it's so painful for me to know he's on a dating site--knowing that he's chatting women up while believing in his heart there is not a thing in the world wrong with him.

 

I rewarded his bad behaviour because I didn't have the belief in myself that I was better than that, something I'm working on now.

 

I did the same. My therapist pointed out to me the other day the following: I said to him that I was the only person who ever held K. accountable for anything, and this was partly why he fought me so hard. And my therapist replied, "Yet at the same time, you DIDN'T hold him accountable. You didn't leave him in response to his repeated poor behavior and inertia."

 

That's the rub, for me and it sounds like for you, too? That when you are clear and confident within your self about what is and is not acceptable behavior in your book, you won't waste time making excuses, or questioning your perceptions, or rationalizing away your own standards. You will communicate your standards, knowing that you WILL walk away if the person does not try to meet you half way. My therapist pointed out that when you stay with someone who is behaving badly and not moving anywhere in his life and not trying, etc., just by staying you are enabling them. And guess what? Instead of the person being GRATEFUL for your loyalty, they end up blaming all their problems on YOU. It ends up becoming YOUR fault that they are stuck / fill-in-the-blank, and you know, even though it's NOT your fault, of course, objectively, by not walking away from the behavior you are both accepting and enabling it, and therefore in a weird, twisted way it becomes your "fault."

 

So basically, the very painful lesson there is that only, ONLY by loving YOU enough to stick with your standards, can you effectively love another person. LET the other person sort themselves out. YOU, meanwhile, have courage to live by your standards and let go of anyone who doesn't meet them.

 

Waaaaaay easier said than done, especially when you are invested in a person and feel loyalty toward them, as I was and did with K., and it sounds like you were and did with your ex.

 

An earlier post said you come on LS to be weak. Trust me you're not. Weak would be lying in front of his truck begging him to take you back. You are strong, you're just having a crap time making sense of it all. I know only to well that head f**k. Yesterday I cried 3 times, just because I am so fed up of it all but it does get better. xx

 

Thank you. I know this is true. And I cried, too, on Friday. A good, long, hard cry. I think it's our bodies' way of quaking out the magma of grief. It's cleansing.

[BC1980]

 

Overall, where K is concerned, I still feel really sad. I so wish the outcome could be different than this. I so wish he would contact me and we could have a talk. It would be very healing, for me and I can just imagine for him, too, once he got past the initial discomfort. I know I probably won't hear from him, because he's in a place in his life where breaking his comfort zone to be vulnerable in any way is more threatening to him, than potentially healing.

 

So, that's where I am with it all.

 

GC, you still want him to contact you and have a talk, but he's proven over 3.5 years, that he is not capable of that. You have spent the majority of your posts explaining his behavior, yet you still want him to change. Even after the breakup, you stil hold him to a standard of which he is not capable to get you closure. Give yourself permission to shut this door, and move on.

[Minneloa]

Hi GC,

 

It sounds like the harsh reality is starting to hit, and I know it must be painful. One thing that stood out to me in your post is that you believe a talk with K. would be healing. While I completely understand your desire to receive closure and clarity, it seems to me that a talk with K. would actually be very destructive to your healing, because (from what you have written about your relationship with him) he has never been willing or able to express his feelings or communicate about relationship dynamics in a healthy way. Why would a talk now produce different results, particularly after a year of silence and avoidance on his part?

 

I know you are not actively planning to initiate a dialogue, but I do question your idea and expectation that it would be a positive experience. Isn't it more likely that such a conversation would result in more hurt, frustration, and confusion for you, given who he is: a defensive, emotionally guarded, often hostile person whose inability to engage with you in a deep and meaningful way caused you so much pain in first place?

 

What I'm getting at is that I think this is a lingering fantasy: that somehow K. would rise to the challenge and finally be the person you wanted him to be, communicating openly and easing your grief. I think it's important to clear away these cobwebs of false hope by acknowledging that a conversation with K. would almost certainly fail to provide you with the healing clarity you desire.

 

Sending good thoughts,

M.

[elseaacych]

A really interesting, honest, response, GC. I agree that you have made progress in your coping. Now to break down your response a little further.

 

the way he treated me especially around the relationship's end still hurts me and I still have trouble accepting the reality that that's it--that there may never be an apology or opportunity to revisit and discuss together in a mature fashion. It's a wound that, without his sincere apology and some form of reconciliation, will always have a painful scar.

 

Your ex sounds a lot like my ex. An emotionally stunted ass-hat who treats people like ****. I've gone almost a year without an apology, and during this year, I've learned that my ex has:

 

1. Treated my brother like crap.

2. Alienated many more of the people in his social circle.

3. Is in the process of pissing off his roommate, one of his best friends.

4. Immediately pursued a new relationship with a girl he met shortly before breaking up with me. This relationship lasted, I would approximate, between 6-8 months.

5. He got dumped by the girl that he left me for because he was being too "needy". (And likely, many more of the problems he exhibited in the relationship with me.)

 

Every revelation here has not surprised me. And I know for a fact based on previous behaviors he exhibited in our relationship and afterward, that I am never going to get an apology for the way I was treated. I can't let it kill me.

 

Your ex has made no progress in the past year. You are not getting an apology. You will not get an apology- why?

 

his attitude: he was negative and derisive and used those sentiments as a basis for his actions.

 

[. . .]

 

But he never came around to seeing things in a more level way; his mind stopped with the bad emotions and then he'd just piss all over everything in response. Not surprisingly, these were the tools he employed at the end of our relationship, which is why we are where we are now.

 

Attitudes are very much ingrained. You have to absolutely be spurred to action to change them. There has been NO ACTION that has spurred him to change. He is not dating anyone new. (His mom said so.) Even if he was, he likely wouldn't be spurred to change his behaviors (See: example of my ex above, where he finally got bit in the arse. AND STILL HAS NO APOLOGY TO OFFER.)

 

PEOPLE ARE HARD TO CHANGE, GC. YOU ACKNOWLEDGE IT YOURSELF.

 

It's hard for me to say I wouldn't want him in my life in any way. I don't like at all that this is the outcome and I don't think it would be any different had I been the one to initiate and enforce this outcome.

 

And then you say this...

 

I imagine him having a better attitude right now and treating the people in his life with more patience and less irritability, and then it hurts all the more that he discarded me without ever reconsidering or acknowledging his role in our relationship's demise.

 

But you just said that the outcome wouldn't be any different! He'd still be the same ass-hat. GC, pardon me if I am reading this wrong. But these thoughts are rather contradictory. And you have evidence to prove the former rather than the latter.

 

1. Your ex had a bad attitude towards other people and events while you two were in a relationship.

1.5. He consistently had a bad attitude. Unapologetically, in fact.

2. After he got bored with you, he treated you the same way during the course of the breakup.

3. He's treated you the same way that he's treated others, since he broke up. This has consistently lasted a year.

 

GC, you seem to be implying the the final step towards acceptance is him apologizing to you and trying to reconcile with you.

 

You don't want to even be with him! Why would you want him to even try to reconcile if all you want to do is reject him? I imagine it would be immensely confusing for you, because you want a positive outcome, but there is no positive outcome, you two still won't be together! That aside, the evidence suggests that he's never going to reach out to you.

 

You say you are continuing to be held back because he hasn't reached out to you.

 

GC, what is going to happen to you if he NEVER reaches out?

Edited August 31, 2014 by elseaacych

[Zapbasket]

PLEASE LET ME BE CLEAR:

 

I AM NOT WAITING FOR HIM TO REACH OUT TO ME OR THINKING IT IS EVEN A POSSIBILITY AT THIS POINT!!!!!

 

I didn't think that could be gleaned from my most recent post. I was trying to lay out the full tapestry of my feelings right NOW in order to examine my progress. My point was that in my heart I HATE that this is the outcome. It SUCKS to have to look back on three-plus years and see that the thing you held out for--K being capable of the kind of relationship that is, well, an actual RELATIONSHIP--was impossible, because the person was incapable. Feeling that does not translate into me sitting here today waiting for him to change. I feel totally misunderstood by you guys in response to what I said!

 

Yes, I WISH that he would have an epiphany and change his stripes and therefore come to me wanting to talk. NO, I wouldn't reject him if he came to talk to me. NO, I wouldn't get back with him. NO, in the first place I wasn't talking about him wanting to get back together. I was IMAGINING a scenario where he'd done some thinking, and he'd reach out to me as a person with whom he shared a significant amount of time, and say, hey, I screwed up and I realized ______ and ______. And I could share the same.

 

Just as his mom and I did. She, being healthy emotionally, and I, also being healthy emotionally, are able to face each other and talk about emotionally difficult things, acknowledge the past we had, acknowledge our genuine regard for each other, express a mutual desire to have a friendship going forward, and be mutually able to tolerate that given our history together we'll have to communicate clearly with each other and whatever shape our friendship takes, it will have to just evolve and the picture won't ever be what it once was, and while that may be hard, for both of us, we both can accept the uncertainty and continue to love and respect each other.

 

That's ideally the kind of honesty and willingness to show up that I want with EVERYONE who ever mattered to me and who has been in my life in a significant way. It is a very healing, interconnected, beautiful way to be. Of course it doesn't always work out that way, but it's perfectly fine for me to wish, and more than normal, healthy and fine for me to grieve when it can't ever happen.

 

Which is the case with K. I recognize it, and it makes me sad. And since what is, right now, is what will be, I always will have a sadness about the outcome of this relationship. That doesn't mean I'm locked in my house with cats and in my pj's not living my life. Good GRIEF.

 

I hope this post makes clearer where I was coming from.

[Zapbasket]

 

You say you are continuing to be held back because he hasn't reached out to you.

 

GC, what is going to happen to you if he NEVER reaches out?

 

No, that's not what I said. I said there always would be a sadness there. There is also a sadness that my grandparents are dead, a sadness that my dad committed suicide, sadnesses upon sadnesses...but I am still here, in the present, living my life!

 

I WILL ALWAYS BE SAD ABOUT THIS RELATIONSHIP! THAT SADNESS ALREADY IS SERVING AS FUEL FOR ME TO LEARN BETTER BOUNDARIES SO THAT I DON'T END UP IN THIS SAME SITUATION AGAIN! THAT IS WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME!!

 

Give a girl a little credit! I am moving forward, and I have the courage to come to this site and be 100% honest about every feeling, good and bad, I have so as to purge my own heart and also help others who might recognize in my verbose articulations some of their own feelings. But yeah, I'm freaking sad; of course I am!

 

And lastly: I know full well that given who K is, a talk with him won't do me a bit of good and therefore, I am not seeking him out. I WISH he could be different, just like I WISHED he were different while in the relationship with me. The relationship being over, my wishes do not need to hold me back in any way, whereas when I wished while in the relationship with K, my wishes held me back, because I was in a relationship that never could have met my needs or the kind of future I hope to have.

 

Reality smacked me in the face HARD, and I'm mourning that as well as my own misconceptions. But you know, I actually respect myself a lot for being someone who errs more on the side of believing the best of people, rather than being so skeptical I fail to see the good that is in them. It burned me in the azz this time, but next time I'll know a little better, to take a closer look at the ACTUAL evidence that ACTUALLY was presenting itself to me with K, time and time again. That's why I'm in therapy, with no intention of leaving until I can FEEL the change in me. And it's happening, slowly, but it IS happening.

[Minneloa]

Hi GC,

 

I am sorry that my response upset you and that you felt misheard. What I took from your post is that you were holding out for a change in K that would lead to a healing dialogue, and that's the scenario I attempted to address. I am glad to hear that you aren't.

 

Sincerely,

 

M.

[Zapbasket]

GC, you still want him to contact you and have a talk, but he's proven over 3.5 years, that he is not capable of that. You have spent the majority of your posts explaining his behavior, yet you still want him to change. Even after the breakup, you stil hold him to a standard of which he is not capable to get you closure. Give yourself permission to shut this door, and move on.

 

Please see my previous posts. I feel you completely misunderstood me. I'm talking from my imagination, my wishes. I understand full well that it is not possible and I am not waiting for it. And nowhere did I say I was. I no longer have any expectations of K., but where once there were expectations, now there is sadness. That is healthy; that is part of moving on.

 

What is NOT healthy is expecting that there is a single door that you push shut and that's it; you've moved on. If there IS a door, it shuts on its own, in its own time, if you just keep working through the muck, which I AM doing.

 

Being honest about ALL of my feelings, with myself and on here, is part of that process. I'm not pinned to one feeling as "where I am"; the feelings flow through me, as they do all of us, and eventually some wash away and new ones wash through. I am getting there.

[Zapbasket]

Hi GC,

 

I am sorry that my response upset you and that you felt misheard. What I took from your post is that you were holding out for a change in K that would lead to a healing dialogue, and that's the scenario I attempted to address. I am glad to hear that you aren't.

 

Sincerely,

 

M.

 

No, I was speaking philosophically, and about the kind of life among people that I ideally want. I believe that the actions we take toward one another can be profoundly healing as each action creates the world we live in and the realities we have to accept. In that view, I can wish that maybe one day, maybe when we both are very old, whenever, or maybe a year from now, K and I could cross paths again, and really acknowledge and hear each other. I'm not waiting for that to happen, but it would be so meaningful if it could. And sometimes in life, that very thing does happen, and it is profoundly healing and affirming and beautiful for the people involved when it does--as well as serving as a compass for those of us hearing about it.

 

I want to be a person who can sit and face another person no matter how difficult. Like K's mom and I were able to do. She did not question that when I told her it was important that I meet with her this week, it was important. That's why despite her being crazy busy and working late into the evening, she made time to meet me. We both cried and we both were real with each other. It's a wonderful, beautiful thing and YES, it would be so lovely if I could have a chance to share that with K. There is no strength, really, in slamming the door in other people's faces. It's much weaker than being vulnerable. I want always to have the courage to be vulnerable.

 

That's what I meant more than anything.

[elseaacych]

I'm sorry that you have misheard us. I am sorry that if anything I have said is causing distress. Many of the things that I have to say are honest, and I am not going to give you any bullsh-t. That involves asking you hard questions from time to time. If you don't want me to ask the hard questions to try to get to the bottom of what is holding you back, and try and help you move on, I will be more than happy to.

 

We are doing the best we can, given what we've been given to work with, which are your posts of how you are progressing. When three people read your posts and all come to the same conclusion, you have to take a look at what you have written, and ask if that is really the point you are trying to make.

 

This was something that I latched onto in particular:

 

It's a wound that, without his sincere apology and some form of reconciliation, will always have a painful scar.

 

With emphasis:

It's a wound that, without his sincere apology and some form of reconciliation, will always have a painful scar.

 

That statement is not ambiguous to me, at all. That implies that unless you do not get what you want, you will continue to hurt, and hurt badly enough that it cripples your everyday life. That is NOT WHAT any of us here want for you, especially you.

 

That's why I'm in therapy, with no intention of leaving until I can FEEL the change in me. And it's happening, slowly, but it IS happening

.

 

This is the kind of thing that I want to hear from you. And I can very much see that you are making progress, in many of your posts. But when you make posts like the one you made earlier this morning that spurred the "let it go" comments, I feel obligated to ask follow up questions that help you recognize where your train of thinking (as we see it in your posts), is leading you.

 

Often times, in therapy, you have to hear something multiple times for it to finally sink in. This is why I feel like I sound like a broken record, and I feel like we have the same conversations over and over again throughout this thread and other threads.

 

I highly encourage you to go back and read through this entire thread, so you can track your progress, so you can see what you've said, and maybe understand where we are coming from.

 

So your life philosophy is that it is good to be open and honest with each other. That is a nice philosophy to have. In practice, it will often get you burned, because you will be disappointed with your fellow human beings.

 

What I am saying, and have been saying:

 

while YOU may have high standards for treating people. You may have your open hearted philosophy. There is nothing wrong with having this philosophy. Your ex obviously doesn't. is that it is highly unlikely that you and your ex will ever get to that point. So let it be. Quit letting yourself be disappointed in him. Don't let him or anything about him get in the way of you climbing mountains, regardless of if you are actually waiting on him or not.

 

Don't let yourself be disappointed in yourself either. Don't let you get in the way of you climbing your mountains.

 

I hope this was unambiguous. If I need to clarify anything, please let me know. It is my goal to be completely honest and straightforward.

[Zapbasket]

On the subject of learning better boundaries and holding my own needs as at least as important as other people's needs, when I think over my behavior in this relationship with K., what stands out was how anxious and off-balance his irritability and getting-under-my-skin behavior made me.

 

That reaction points to a weakness of mine, which is my fear of being abandoned because I am not worthy enough of someone's committed love. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, because when I imagine being with a guy who makes his commitment and interest and intentions clear from the beginning, it kind-of creeps me out because I've never experienced it before. In my imagination, instantly I become doubtful, i.e., does this person really see the real me? Because if he did, then maybe he wouldn't be so ardent. Maybe he's deluding himself that it's ME he's so interested in. I'm not sure I trust his interest, precisely because it's ME that is the object of his interest.

 

Can anyone relate to this?

 

I think with K., this deep-seated fear of unworthiness also fed our bad dynamic, but in a much more subtle way. When he was derisive or irritable, instead of taking that behavior at face value and saying to myself, "That is not acceptable and I won't stand for it," I'd blow up after he pushed me too far. But what I was really "blowing" was all that anxiety that his treatment of me spoke some truth about my own worthiness. Thus my anger wasn't effective at getting him to alter my behavior, maybe because it only showed him he had me where he wanted me: fearing my own worthiness just as he feared his.

 

Sometimes I try to imagine what might have happened if I had left K. at the two junctures I really almost did leave him--once about three months into the relationship when I was at his place and actually put on my shoes, intending to leave for good, because I'd had enough; and another time back in 2011 about a year into the relationship when I went to my mom's and thought it over for three weeks, decided to end it, and then returned and couldn't bring myself to do it.

 

I imagine that the first time, he'd not have given up. He'd have apologized to me and probably he'd have succeeded in convincing me to give him another try. And I imagine he'd be very careful for a while, but slowly the behaviors would have returned. Perhaps at that point I'd have been utterly put off and would have left him for good.

 

The second time was in direct response not just to INCIDENTS but to a dynamic that had revealed itself between us. I think if I'd followed through and broken up with him then, he'd have been very sad and confused. He wouldn't have hardened his heart so much against me in the break-up's aftermath, and probably would have beaten himself up much moreso than now (where I strongly suspect he's in denial, and blaming me rather than really taking stock of his own part in things). It probably wouldn't have changed the outcome except that then I'd have been free to focus on myself and focus my sights on finding someone who can give me what I'm looking for in a relationship.

 

But outside of K., I wonder. We always say, "We teach people how to treat us." Do we? For instance, had I been more matter-of-fact about K's behavior at the offset rather than diminished by anxiety about my own worthiness, would that have stopped K? i want to say, "No," because that behavior was about HIM and HIS fears. So isn't it more that in being clear within ourselves about how we want to be treated, we don't TEACH people so much as keep the door closed to people who won't treat us well, and open to the RIGHT people, the people who will?

[Zapbasket]

I'm sorry that you have misheard us. I am sorry that if anything I have said is causing distress.

 

You didn't cause me distress, and I like your no-bull approach and appreciate your hard questions.

 

That statement is not ambiguous to me, at all. That implies that unless you do not get what you want, you will continue to hurt, and hurt badly enough that it cripples your everyday life.

 

Yes, it will hurt and is sad, but not in a way that cripples me. I'm "crippled" now, because I'm grieving. The grief will pass, there will be lessons learned and opportunities to apply them to new situations life presents. But in my memory, I will always feel a sadness that things turned out the way they did between K and me, where we are not in each others' lives at all and most likely never will be. From his mom, it sounds highly possible that he will be moving to another part of the state, and that will be another cord snapped, and it will be sad for several reasons. I know I'll always be curious what he is up to, and I will always remember him. I feel the same way about my 2007 ex, who not coincidentally ended our relationship in very similar fashion to how K ended it. It's possible that that feeling of abandonment and being abruptly cut off has such a psychological potency to me that that's what I'm reacting to, but I don't think my sadness and disappointment about these two men can "cripple" me going forward unless I convince myself that there is nothing better out there for me, that these men were "it" and I'll never have a relationship that works. And while I do fear this at times, I know it can't be the truth--but it's only accessible if I make different choices going forward. And that is scary, too, as habits are hard to break. As you point out:

 

Often times, in therapy, you have to hear something multiple times for it to finally sink in. This is why I feel like I sound like a broken record, and I feel like we have the same conversations over and over again throughout this thread and other threads.

 

I'm really grateful for your patience. I am listening; I have and do read over this whole thread and other threads to see my journey; and though it may feel like a broken record I do feel things shifting in me, albeit in the way a sand dollar creeps across the ocean floor. But I think this is the speed of any fundamental shift in beliefs. If I can make even a DENT in my feelings of unworthiness, the repercussions will be huge. That goes for all of us.

 

So your life philosophy is that it is good to be open and honest with each other. That is a nice philosophy to have. In practice, it will often get you burned, because you will be disappointed with your fellow human beings.

 

Yeah, and that's something I hash out with my therapist. He encourages me to hold those standards for myself and for others, and weed out people who show themselves incapable of being honest in a way that honors those standards. ANd I keep saying to him, "Yeah, but most people out there kind-of, well, suck. Most people have hang-ups that keep them from having authentic relationships and the difference between them and me is that they are FINE with that. They don't WANT more. So where does that leave me?"

 

I'm trying to find the right balance in that, and it's hard. I don't want to become a recluse because I refuse to deal with any superficiality, but I also am tired of getting burned in relationships by people who have little to know integrity in general, let alone actually give a sh*t about me. Not sure how to strike the right balance.

 

while YOU may have high standards for treating people. You may have your open hearted philosophy. There is nothing wrong with having this philosophy. Your ex obviously doesn't. is that it is highly unlikely that you and your ex will ever get to that point.

 

Yes, and that is what i have come to understand, and now am slowly coming to accept. I told his mother that I no longer have any expectations of him, and I meant it. He will never call me "to say hi," as my 2007 did. He knows better than that. Most likely we will never speak again, and if he does indeed move away, we may never encounter one another again. That is a tough reality to swallow and I may need to vent about it here as part of the path to full acceptance. For instance, it brings up insecurities for me: can you be the way he is, and really have a happy life, and find someone to be happy with? Because if so, then what am I doing, always trying to be authentic and honest and falling on my face in the process? Why can't I just cut people off who get too close and ask too much of me, and just keep things light and easy, if it's possible to have a happy life doing so?

 

It is my goal to be completely honest and straightforward.

 

And I love that, and love your insights here and elsewhere on LS. I hope I didn't give you a different impression, and if I did, then I'm sorry.

[BC1980]

But outside of K., I wonder. We always say, "We teach people how to treat us." Do we? For instance, had I been more matter-of-fact about K's behavior at the offset rather than diminished by anxiety about my own worthiness, would that have stopped K? i want to say, "No," because that behavior was about HIM and HIS fears. So isn't it more that in being clear within ourselves about how we want to be treated, we don't TEACH people so much as keep the door closed to people who won't treat us well, and open to the RIGHT people, the people who will?

 

No, K would not have changed, and, yes, I agree that we jettison people who don't align with our values. At least, that is the hope, but it's obviously difficult to put into practice if you have been living a life with weak boundaries for many years. If I had good boundaries in place, my relationship with my ex would never have lasted as long as it did. If he had decent boundaries, he might have cut me loose much more quickly as well.

[BC1980]

That reaction points to a weakness of mine, which is my fear of being abandoned because I am not worthy enough of someone's committed love. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, because when I imagine being with a guy who makes his commitment and interest and intentions clear from the beginning, it kind-of creeps me out because I've never experienced it before. In my imagination, instantly I become doubtful, i.e., does this person really see the real me? Because if he did, then maybe he wouldn't be so ardent. Maybe he's deluding himself that it's ME he's so interested in. I'm not sure I trust his interest, precisely because it's ME that is the object of his interest.

 

Can anyone relate to this?

 

Oh yes, I can relate exactly. I've shared before that I've struggled with an eating disorder for many years, and I had a bout with depression in college. I felt different than everyone else. From the time I was in junior high school, I honestly felt like there was something so different and so wrong about me that I was basically unworthy of unconditional love. Though I've struggled with these thoughts for years, it's all coming to a head with my recent breakup.

 

I felt that when it came to relationships, I should be happy with what I could get. I've actually been involved in relationships where I settled for much less than my recent one. When my ex would express a problem with how I did something, I would change to fit his needs. He's a very rigid person, and he has very strong opinions with what he believes is the "right" was to live life or what is the correct thing to value. I remember him feeling very strongly than anyone who took a nap was lazy, so I used to be fearful of taking a nap. Sounds ridiculous right? He thought drinking soft drinks was terrible (which is it), but he issued value judgements on me and anyone else who dared to admit we liked Coke.

 

When I asked him why we broke up, he made a comment about me missing one of his son's soccer tournaments. Mind you, this was the only soccer tournament I had ever missed in 3 years, and I missed it because I was going to have to drive 4 hours after work one day (I don't get off work until 7 PM), and I had a school project due the following Monday. I remember being absolutely stressed and exhausted that week. He never said anything to me at the time, but he later told me that was lazy behavior. My first thought was that I should have just sucked it up and gone to the tournament, and it just shows how warped my thinking was. I had given up a lot of my time to take his son to soccer practice over the years and had traveled to so many soccer tournaments, all out of love for him and his son. I dared to miss one tournament and was called lazy.

 

Once he told me I was flighty (in a much meaner way, I can't remember the exact wording) because I left a bottle of lotion in my carry on bag that was too big. So TSA threw it away, and I became upset because I had just bought the lotion a few weeks ago. When he came down on me, I thought that, yes, there was something wrong with me, and I needed to change and become more aware. I know it sounds crazy, but, at the time, I had some crazy thinking. I had become so entrenched in the idea that he was wonderful, and I needed to be grateful he even gave me attention, that I basically scolded myself when I did anything he found offensive.

 

It sounds like your relationship with K was similar, but you voiced your problems with him more than I ever did. I rarely voiced any problems or dissent.

[elseaacych]

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, because when I imagine being with a guy who makes his commitment and interest and intentions clear from the beginning, it kind-of creeps me out because I've never experienced it before. In my imagination, instantly I become doubtful, i.e., does this person really see the real me? Because if he did, then maybe he wouldn't be so ardent. Maybe he's deluding himself that it's ME he's so interested in. I'm not sure I trust his interest, precisely because it's ME that is the object of his interest.

 

Can anyone relate to this?

 

 

Very much like BC1980 mentioned above, in a way you do teach someone how to treat you. I let my ex get away with a lot of things that made me upset. Openly, rudely disrespecting my friends' political views (to the point of picking fights), being late to dinner with my parents, being late to things with me, not having the foresight to plan for things, the list goes on... finally when I had the guts to tell him that it was annoying me, suddenly, everything seemed like it was my fault. And he was out the door.

 

Boundaries are a hard thing to conceptualize with love interests, when you think about it. In the need to be accommodating and flexible, sometimes we go too far and lose ourselves in the process.

[Zapbasket]

Very much like BC1980 mentioned above, in a way you do teach someone how to treat you. I let my ex get away with a lot of things that made me upset. Openly, rudely disrespecting my friends' political views (to the point of picking fights), being late to dinner with my parents, being late to things with me, not having the foresight to plan for things, the list goes on... finally when I had the guts to tell him that it was annoying me, suddenly, everything seemed like it was my fault. And he was out the door.

 

Can you elaborate on this? Do you mean that when you finally voiced some of your frustrations, he turned it all around on you, as in, BLAMED you for his behavior? How the---? "I was late to dinner with your parents because YOU ______." ????

 

Also, I'm curious why you never voiced your frustrations until further into the relationship. Were you afraid / did you sense that if you confronted him with a separate subjectivity he would abandon you?

 

Boundaries are a hard thing to conceptualize with love interests, when you think about it. In the need to be accommodating and flexible, sometimes we go too far and lose ourselves in the process.

 

This is so true. I feel like I am learning about boundaries for the first time in my life. Without realizing it, I always have focused on trying to 'win' people, always wanting to be liked and being ultra-accommodating and polite as a result. No WONDER people have treated me like sh*t over the years. My own parents treated me like sh*t--the more vulnerable I am, like this whole past year, my mother is just plain mean and she never apologizes for the things she says. I have had an awful year with her. Because I'm so independent-spirited, I really didn't recognize how insecure I am socially. What's particularly sad is I can recount time after time of trying HARD to 'win' someone over whom I didn't even particularly like OR respect to begin with!

 

I've always focused so hard on trying to be a good person--treating others with courtesy and respect. This has come at the expense of asking myself whether I, in turn, am being treated with respect. When I become a parent, I vow that I will do my utmost to teach my children this balance.

 

Here's a tough (perhaps) question for you, elseaacych: What attracted you to your ex, and as his unsavory behaviors appeared, what made you stay with him? Can you pinpoint a time when you considered leaving him but didn't? If so, why did you stay? And lastly, do you think if you'd spoken up about your frustrations sooner, his behavior would have changed, or would he just have left you sooner than he did?

[Zapbasket]

 

It sounds like your relationship with K was similar, but you voiced your problems with him more than I ever did. I rarely voiced any problems or dissent.

 

Yeah, my pattern is that after putting up with bad behavior quietly for a while, I start fighting back. I reach a threshold of frustration and then I just lose it. I can have a very sharp tongue--and when I'm pushed to my absolute limit, I can pull quite the "I'm going to tell you the real truth about YOU."

 

This is how the men I've dated have turned the tables on me. Once I blow my top, they say I have a temper and they say that is the "problem" between us. From that point on, no matter how hard I try to communicate my initial frustrations, nothing is effective. Basically, I blow my lid because I've not drawn appropriate boundaries in the first place.

 

The more you speak about your ex, the more absolutely awful he sounds. I'm very glad you are not with him and having to look down the barrel of a life with him, though of course I understand it's not so cut and dry and there is pain in the loss, no matter how positive for you it ultimately may be. I know I was a bit taken aback...and then hurt...and then grateful...that K's mom last week basically said I could do better than her own son. When I tried to protest, she said, "Come on, seriously, if you don't believe there is better than this for you then you need some counseling or something." I bet it was obvious to others around you when you were with your ex that you were putting up with far more than you should have.

 

So let me ask you: what, looking back, led you initially to believe that he was "wonderful"? What drew you in? I ask this of you, and elseaacych, because I think understanding what draws us to the people we get into relationships with reveals where our weaknesses are. Or maybe it's not what INITIALLY draws us to these people; it's why we continue to stay despite behavior that is neither respectful to nor courteous of us.

[elseaacych]

Lots of questions! I'll try to give the best answers I can without being too wordy. So here's a bit of my story:

 

[edit: I failed at being succinct, miserably.... lol...]

 

Can you elaborate on this? Do you mean that when you finally voiced some of your frustrations, he turned it all around on you, as in, BLAMED you for his behavior? How the---? "I was late to dinner with your parents because YOU ______." ????

 

Also, I'm curious why you never voiced your frustrations until further into the relationship. Were you afraid / did you sense that if you confronted him with a separate subjectivity he would abandon you?

 

Well, I have many examples. But here are two:

 

My ex, who usually had a scraggly unkempt beard, decided to shave it into a moustache for Movember. The moustache was ugly. He looked like a sleazy 70's porn star. He had been in a really ****ty mood lately, and so the moustache made it look worse. I was not attracted to it, and didn't like kissing him because it felt weird. So I told him. Suddenly I got a lot of flack for not supporting men's mental health issues. I told him I did support it. I told him that I loved him as a person, but the mustache was unattractive. Not the best choice of words on my part, but he seized on that and claimed that my feelings were fading, and that I shouldn't stick around if I didn't love him. That sometimes, people stayed in relationships because they were comfortable, and me telling him I loved him "as a person", meant that I was just comfortable.

 

Prior to starting law school, I told my ex that my schedule was getting busy. I told him I was going to make time for him and only him on Saturday evenings, but if he wanted to see me, I would try to make time for him during other times. He rarely called, though I always showed up. One time, during (my) finals week. He called me and asked me out to dinner. I had to pay. He was in a pissy mood and beligerent during dinner because he had failed to back up all of his work and lost it when his computer died. I expressed my sympathies for his loss (what else could I do?) and after dinner, I tried to make a quick exit to go study because I still had finals to study for. Next thing you know, it's a three hour argument revolving about how I don't make time for him at all, all sorts of things. Finally he tells me he's not interested in anything I am interested in.

 

At that point I was so pissed off at him, I shut down the argument by telling him that it didn't matter, because all of his academic interests were gone because he wasn't responsible enough to back it up. This was probably the second time I actively said something contempt-ful to him, and I regretted it, but I was just so frustrated after 6 weeks of unkindness, and he was making it like it was my fault everything in his life was going wrong. He broke up with me a week later.

 

. . .

 

The dinner with parents, about a year or so before, he blamed on something else. But I told him to be there at x, because my folks were cooking steaks. He was an hour and a half late. And then he proceeded to sit in my mom's spot at the head of the table, after refolding all of the napkins on the table because I didn't fold them like they folded them at the restaurant he works at.

 

Why I didn't voice my frustrations? I was head over heels in love with him. And I only saw the things he did as minor frustrations. They really became major frustrations when I realized that I wasn't being treated the way I thought I should have been treated. I also enjoyed being in love with him. Aside from his jerk-y tendencies, he was someone I enjoyed being around, and didn't want to lose. He was my first love, and sometimes you just get caught up in it.

 

I think the difference between you and me, GC, is that while I share your idealistic tendencies, I've been around some really nasty people that are not open or honest, or wish to be. I believe that you can be nice to a fault, and some people will always try to take advantage of it. I just try to be as nice as I can, so I can't be blamed if someone treats me like **** and I want to cut them out of my life.

 

Here's a tough (perhaps) question for you, elseaacych: What attracted you to your ex, and as his unsavory behaviors appeared, what made you stay with him? Can you pinpoint a time when you considered leaving him but didn't? If so, why did you stay? And lastly, do you think if you'd spoken up about your frustrations sooner, his behavior would have changed, or would he just have left you sooner than he did?

 

My ex and I had chemistry, and a rather similar way of thinking. When we first met, we had a lot in common, and it felt like he could keep up with my go at everything, and go at it hard and fast personality. (Turns out, only the hypomaniac ex could only keep up with this.) He was very talk-y know it all with lots of interesting things to say, and I'm a listener, and a sucker for a good story. He also made me laugh, and was exciting because he felt so similar to me in life experience, and way in his way of thinking. We shared many interests. At the same time, he was very different. My Dad called him "Mr. Excitement", because I described being with him as "exciting" and "fun". My idea of fun is good food and conversation, something my ex was good at providing.

 

As the behaviors appeared, I guess I underestimated them. He regularly sparred with the nasty fake people I mentioned above. I personally disliked those people, so when they sparred, I didn't make too much of it. He had a victim-mentality, and I didn't realize it until much later, when he couldn't blame things on dislikable folk. Other things, like chronic lateness just didn't get to be bothersome enough until much later. About a year ago, he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, so I used it as an excuse of sorts. So did he.

 

I did consider breaking up with him about three weeks before he broke up with me. He just told me that he wasn't going to graduate from school on time, and I realized that all of the reasons that he had claimed over the years for dropping classes, or not getting credit, were kind of bullsh-t, and that he was the only one to blame for his inability to get his sh-t together. That, and the unlikable people, while still unlikable, his story about his victimization, no longer seemed to make sense. I was slowly realizing that he was his own worst enemy.

 

However, the timing sucked. I was three weeks out from law school finals, and didn't want to argue with him anymore than I already was. I just wanted him to love me, and be my escape from law school. I loved him, and I felt that we really needed to talk it out and see what we were both feeling. I wasn't going to break up with him without trying to talk it out with him first. So I silently resolved that I was going to make some time where we could talk, outside of school, finals, and other stresses, right after finals. I didn't want to break up, but we couldn't continue as we were. He beat me to the break up, though.

 

I don't speculate on what would have happened if I had voiced my frustrations sooner, because they weren't really frustrations until they got to be. I was in the "honeymoon" phase, hard. I loved being in love. I loved being in love with him. I thought he was special, and I thought what we had was special, even though we were two very different people. I thought we could work through it, because I thought he felt the same way. Oh well.

 

Since the break up, I've just tried to avoid anything about him. It made me extremely sad, as I felt really attached to him and his family (in some ways, I loved his family more than I loved him), and they were just gone, like that. I realized that I was in an isolated bubble when I was with him, and that my reality had been warped a little bit, and I couldn't be the best I could be, because he didn't want me to be that. He wanted someone who would cater exclusively to his needs.

 

I hope, sincerely, that I never have to run into him again, because he is not someone I want to be friends with or pursue a relationship with, because he is obliviously unkind to the world, and his own worst enemy. I do not want to have to tell him this, because it will break my heart, because it will hurt him.

 

GC, I hope you can draw something out of these experiences and help reconcile them with your own to come to some sort of truth.

Edited September 1, 2014 by elseaacych

[BC1980]

 

So let me ask you: what, looking back, led you initially to believe that he was "wonderful"? What drew you in? I ask this of you, and elseaacych, because I think understanding what draws us to the people we get into relationships with reveals where our weaknesses are. Or maybe it's not what INITIALLY draws us to these people; it's why we continue to stay despite behavior that is neither respectful to nor courteous of us.

 

He was very generous. Always complimented me on how nice I looked. Bought me flowers. Paid anytime we went out, and, as time progressed, he paid for other things. He paid for some car repairs once and usually gas. Of course, I was taking his son to soccer practice, so I guess that is only fair. We had to drive 30 minutes each way. We traveled about three times per year on his dime. He made a great deal more money than me, so I felt financially stable with him. That was very attractive to me, and I don't think I realized the extent of that until it was gone.

 

All of that is good, but I've realized that it can't take the place of common values. I think he did all of the above because he thought that made him a good boyfriend. I've said before that he gave a substantial amount to charity because he felt "that's what a good person does." It's a learned behavior. His dad was the same way. Mean and condescending yet would give money to a homeless shelter. It's mostly for show though. My ex was missing something fundamental, and he had a very difficult time connecting to people. No friends, only acquaintances. I think he was so abused and traumatized as a child that he simply shut out his emotions because it was too painful. He adapted and learned to live that way.

 

Maybe I stayed because I thought I didn't deserve better. I know that I did love him though. I felt obligated to his child after a certain point. I thought he would come through on his promises. A lot of reasons.

[Zapbasket]

I feel such a mix of feelings today, maybe more than a little like the proverbial chicken with its head cut off but this chicken just got her head sewn back on and is like, "Where was I? Where am I? What's going on?"

 

The month of deep depression I just pulled out of seems to have been some kind of purging. I feel like it gained me greater separation from everything, but it's like the rest of me doesn't know what to do with it yet. I know I feel very afraid. It's hard for me not to feel a bit small and ashamed that this relationship failed. I mean, what I take especially reading about your relationship, BC1980, is that once you start to see a person closely in all their complexity, it becomes very difficult to separate out where things went wrong, or to understand that maybe they never were right.

 

No matter how hard I try, even though I think I see the whole deal with K. pretty clearly, I can't wrap my head around how easily and absolutely he just let me go. the only thing that explains it to me is, well, absolutely awful character on his part.

 

Now that he's gone, and it looks like he's never going even to try to reach out to me, I feel SO TERRIFIED that I am not going to manage to have a positive, successful relationship. I really am absolutely terrified and I don't know how to get my confidence back. It's so hard not to believe there is something awfully wrong with me and yet I refuse to go down that all-too-familiar path.

 

I feel like maybe now I've become plain-out afraid of men.