Fear I am not progressing well in coping, 2

[BC1980]

I feel such a mix of feelings today, maybe more than a little like the proverbial chicken with its head cut off but this chicken just got her head sewn back on and is like, "Where was I? Where am I? What's going on?"

 

The month of deep depression I just pulled out of seems to have been some kind of purging. I feel like it gained me greater separation from everything, but it's like the rest of me doesn't know what to do with it yet. I know I feel very afraid. It's hard for me not to feel a bit small and ashamed that this relationship failed. I mean, what I take especially reading about your relationship, BC1980, is that once you start to see a person closely in all their complexity, it becomes very difficult to separate out where things went wrong, or to understand that maybe they never were right.

 

No matter how hard I try, even though I think I see the whole deal with K. pretty clearly, I can't wrap my head around how easily and absolutely he just let me go. the only thing that explains it to me is, well, absolutely awful character on his part.

 

Now that he's gone, and it looks like he's never going even to try to reach out to me, I feel SO TERRIFIED that I am not going to manage to have a positive, successful relationship. I really am absolutely terrified and I don't know how to get my confidence back. It's so hard not to believe there is something awfully wrong with me and yet I refuse to go down that all-too-familiar path.

 

I feel like maybe now I've become plain-out afraid of men.

 

I would not spend a lot of time trying to wrap your mind around why he left because you will never know for sure. You can't get in his head. You can't fully understand. Whatever understanding you come to is your narrative and how you see things. It is not objective or absolute, and that goes for any of us. Even if you did fully understand, what would it change? You still wake up everyday, and he's not there. You still have to go through the grief and move on.

 

Do you get anxiety over thinking you need to make the perfect decisions or react in a perfect way? Do you think that one false move will mess everything up? I have those thoughts too, and it leads me to over analyzing. I want to understand the absolute narrative because it decrease my anxiety. I get the feeling that might be happening to you. I think you are terrified because you don't understand what happened, and it throws everything into chaos.

[Zapbasket]

I would not spend a lot of time trying to wrap your mind around why he left because you will never know for sure. You can't get in his head. You can't fully understand. Whatever understanding you come to is your narrative and how you see things. It is not objective or absolute, and that goes for any of us. Even if you did fully understand, what would it change? You still wake up everyday, and he's not there. You still have to go through the grief and move on.

 

Do you get anxiety over thinking you need to make the perfect decisions or react in a perfect way? Do you think that one false move will mess everything up? I have those thoughts too, and it leads me to over analyzing. I want to understand the absolute narrative because it decrease my anxiety. I get the feeling that might be happening to you. I think you are terrified because you don't understand what happened, and it throws everything into chaos.

 

Yes, that's exactly it. Just such an absolute, complete failure and for the life of me I just can't understand what happened to make him want absolutely nothing to do with me. His mom told me they all are baffled, and she said that this summer she and he had to call a truce and agree not to discuss me at all.

 

Of course, I can say that someone who treats his relationships the way he treated ours is not someone I really want in my life, but as I acknowledged to you, realizing that doesn't remove the pain of what you thought you had, and the loss of what you thought you had, and the confusion that sets in because you thought one thing and the results speak something else and the one person who "could" give you answers, CAN'T give you answers--also for inexplicable reasons.

 

I find it really hard to dust myself off and not feel apprehensive, wary, and insecure within myself. I feel some energy returning as refusal-to-accept gets slowly replaced with acceptance, and I want to make something, drive forward, have the satisfaction of something working out really well and just being excited by the possibilities. But I really don't know what direction to go in.

 

I know it shouldn't matter, but my ex is spending a lot of time in his hometown these days and his mom says he's talking about moving there, and while on the one hand it would be a relief because then there will be an appropriate amount of geographical distance to match the emotional distance, on the other hand, emotionally I'm still a little battered by the whole thing and it hurts to think he's going to just up and leave when all I got from him was inertia and directionlessness.

 

The idea of "one false move and I'll screw everything up" resonates with me. I didn't realize it until you said so but that is how I feel. I am beyond terrified of experiencing another relationship failure. I really don't think my psyche could take it. I'm throwing myself into online dating, just really casually and I haven't met anyone yet. I'm doing it knowing I'm not ready to get into anything with anyone because I think it's appropriate that I experiment with some of the things I learned from this disaster with K.

 

Today I'm the only one in my office and it's slow, and I found myself looking at the wedding pictures of my 2007 ex. He got married this past September. I couldn't help musing on what kind of relationship they have, especially since I strongly suspect he never really changed. He was a terrible communicator--as in, total non-communication. His wife doesn't exactly seem like a milquetoast. Maybe she's non-communicative, too? And I can't help wondering whether there was something wrong with me that I couldn't make it work. I'm a sh*t-ton prettier than she is, that's for sure.

 

I know this is my insecurity speaking, but especially today I'm feeling really, really insecure. Maybe I'm just someone who is not good with men.

 

BC1980, on days like this I wish we could meet for coffee and compare notes on our relationships. And then, sit down together and help each other come up with a plan for how we can each move forward, and in a more genuinely self-loving, I-am-worthy way.

 

I'll tell you one thing I am going to do to nurture myself today: I'm going to that women's support group I mentioned a few pages back. And then, for my and K's birthdays in a few weeks, I've gotten permission to take the vacation time and I am going to leave town, to minimize the sadness and avoid inevitably checking my phone, hoping for a "Happy Birthday" message from him, asking that we talk (my birthday is before his). I know there won't be such a message and I want to be engrossed in something fun, some adventure, like I did last year (I went to a national park and camped for a few days).

[BC1980]

Yes, that's exactly it. Just such an absolute, complete failure and for the life of me I just can't understand what happened to make him want absolutely nothing to do with me. His mom told me they all are baffled, and she said that this summer she and he had to call a truce and agree not to discuss me at all.

 

I know it's nearly impossible at times, but you can't judge yourself so negatively because he left you. If you do that, you are taking his opinion of you (and it is only an opinion) and giving it more value than what any other person thinks, namely yourself. The way he views you does not hold that much power unless you give it to him. I know it's very difficult to understand that right now because you still love him. I felt the same way for a long time even when I knew it was not logical at all. My attachment to my ex has decreased quite a bit, and it has become easier for me to understand that what he thinks of me really has very little bearing on my life. Maybe a year ago, his opinion of me weighed a great deal, but things change over time in surprising ways.

 

Also, be careful of what others say (his mom, your mutual friends) regarding the relationship, especially when it comes to be baffled that you broke up. Just last week, I had two people (who are mutual friends at work) tell me that my ex and I will surely get back together when he returns to work. They mean well, but they have no clue of what transpired in our relationship. Just be wary of what outsiders say because those types of comments used to give me false hope in the beginning. I know his mom knows you better than these two friends of mine know me, but I still would be extra careful of how much you divulge about the relationship in the future.

[BC1980]

The idea of "one false move and I'll screw everything up" resonates with me. I didn't realize it until you said so but that is how I feel. I am beyond terrified of experiencing another relationship failure. I really don't think my psyche could take it.

 

It took me awhile to connect the dots on this one. I'm so analytical, and I think a lot of it has to do with this need to control my own destiny to an extent, which is not realistic. I want to think that if I do A, B, and C, I will get X outcome, and life will be great. Of course, that isn't true, and much of life is random and comes down to luck. I met my ex because I was in the right place at the right time. It wasn't because I had done anything special.

 

We can control ourselves and make better choices, but there is so much we can't control. You asked earlier WHY I never voiced my problems. Basically, it comes down to the fact that I was scared he would leave me. I agreed with everything he said, and I did everything the way he wanted. The fact that he still left me rubs salt into the wound. It's a slap in the face, but I take responsibility for my part.

[Carpe-diem]

Hi GC,

 

 

You are making progress. You're not a robot so feelings still remain. Wouldn't it be great if we could mirror other peoples emotions? He no longer loves me or wants to be with me! No problem I'll just switch my emotions off too. Be proud you are hurting, it shows the relationship meant something to you.

 

 

You are feeling a failure that this relationship didn't work. Him not contacting you makes you feel that you meant nothing to him. You have said you wished he would reach out or apologise. That is just you wanting to be validated. Whilst you say you are not waiting for him to contact you you are (if you're totally honest with yourself) hoping he reaches out. You've also stated that you hope in one year or years to come you could have some sort of talk or reconciliation. You should be thinking in the future if you bumped into him you could politely smile and keep on walking.

 

 

You are finding it hard to let go, cutting the cord as you said. K meeting up with you would only work if he said the things you wanted to hear. You have had the imaginary conversation in your head over and over (haven't we all) so anything else said would only hurt you more, as pointed out very clearly by Minneloa.

 

 

You are starting to think you can have him in your life in some form or other. This is you compromising. Looking for scraps when you deserve a 3 course meal with a cheese platter to boot. Having him come back into your life (this of course if either of you made contact) would pardon him. It's saying K can treat you like crap and in time you'll forgive. He'll learn nothing.

 

 

I'll be back. xx

[Carpe-diem]

Ask yourself this GC. Are you grieving the loss of the relationship or the loss of your future? As time has moved on mine is the latter. As I've said before I'm older than you and I do think my ex was my 'Last chance Saloon'. I told my ex early on in the relationship I would like to try for a baby, time is not on my side. He agreed, even suggesting names. I do believe his treatment of me was bad because he thought I would put up with it because I was desperate for a baby. I nearly did and even though it is most likely I won't have a child I couldn't stay with him anymore.

 

 

If you were in a new, exciting relationship you wouldn't be questioning K's behaviour as much. You'd be thinking, his loss! You are lonely at times, you're scared of what the future holds. As my therapist said, I put up with a lot of unreasonable behaviour from my ex because he fed me a future I so desperately wanted. Remember future fakers on Baggage reclaim? I was only going out with my ex for 6 weeks when his xmas present to me was an event 6 months later. How elated do you think I was? This guy wants to be with me, he sees a future. Didn't think that 6 months down the line he could sell the tickets or be going with someone else.

 

 

I find that I am watching life happen around me whilst I merely exist. Horrible isn't it? I'm always saying 'Why me, when will it be my turn to be happy'. I like you start blaming myself in parts for the failure of my relationship. I'm lucky that I have a wonderful sister who when I start saying, "I should've done this, blah blah blah" she immediately stops me and says, "It doesn't matter how you reacted to his awful behaviour, he should not have done it in the first place". This is true I was forgetting that he was being horrible for no reason at all. My friends are the same and always tell me "Don't even go down that road of excusing him".

[Zapbasket]

Hi GC,

 

Whilst you say you are not waiting for him to contact you you are (if you're totally honest with yourself) hoping he reaches out. You've also stated that you hope in one year or years to come you could have some sort of talk or reconciliation. You should be thinking in the future if you bumped into him you could politely smile and keep on walking.

 

Absolutely. I truly do have no expectations of him anymore, but yes, there is still a hope that he will find it in himself at some point to reach out to me and apologize. I don't see that going away and really, I see nothing wrong with it since, like I said, I'm not waiting for it. As my therapist said, it's natural to hope for an apology or some such as we are relational beings, things evolve with time, and apologies for past rifts and wrongs always mean SOMETHING. So, yes, it would be great if one day there could be an opportunity for a "reconciliation" (by which I do NOT mean getting back together), as I will always care about him. That's not going to change, either. I will always care and therefore I would hope NOT to have to politely smile and keep on walking. But without an apology, that's what I'd do--at cost to my heart.

 

You are finding it hard to let go, cutting the cord as you said.

 

I don't believe there is such a thing as a "cord" and a proverbial pair of scissors that "cuts" it. I don't like that language because I think it establishes unrealistic expectations. What feels authentic to me is that letting go takes time and I am making progress, of course sometimes having setbacks but overall it is fading, slowly.

 

You are starting to think you can have him in your life in some form or other. This is you compromising. Looking for scraps when you deserve a 3 course meal with a cheese platter to boot. Having him come back into your life (this of course if either of you made contact) would pardon him. It's saying K can treat you like crap and in time you'll forgive. He'll learn nothing.

 

Thanks; this made me feel good. I think when you really care about someone, you try to rationalize whatever they are 'giving' (or more accurately, NOT giving) you so that you can have them in your life. You make exception after exception and the boundaries you thought you had, evaporate. This is that old 'loving someone else more than yourself' thing. Going forward in my life I want to have a standard and hold to that standard, and that means being willing to sever ties with people who don't treat you with respect even after you've clearly communicated to them what you expect. I can just imagine that the initial hurt of having to let someone go who doesn't treat you right is much less than being betrayed and abandoned by someone down the line who never really treated you all that well in the first place.

[Zapbasket]

I do believe his treatment of me was bad because he thought I would put up with it because I was desperate for a baby.

 

Hang on, now: that's you blaming yourself. I recognize it because I have done it, too. His treatment of you was bad because HE is someone who would treat a kindhearted person badly. It had nothing to do with your circumstances or desires or who you are as a person. And if you were a b*tch who called him out on all his crap it wouldn't have changed his behavior; he'd have left because you were "mean."

 

If you were in a new, exciting relationship you wouldn't be questioning K's behaviour as much.

 

I know what you're getting at but I'd much rather be where I am now--a little lonely, and fearful of what the future holds--than steeped in the distraction of a new relationship. Because that's all it would be: a distraction. I've done that before after my breakup with my 2007 ex and boy, what a mistake that was. I thought my ability to get into a new relationship proved I was "moving on." It was, in retrospect, just me being too chicken to sit with myself. Far better for me to fall into ruminating on K's behavior, during weak moments, than for me to lose myself in the endorphin-high of a new relationship. For now.

 

As my therapist said, I put up with a lot of unreasonable behaviour from my ex because he fed me a future I so desperately wanted. Remember future fakers on Baggage reclaim? I was only going out with my ex for 6 weeks when his xmas present to me was an event 6 months later. How elated do you think I was? This guy wants to be with me, he sees a future. Didn't think that 6 months down the line he could sell the tickets or be going with someone else.

 

I don't think you should be too hard on yourself for that. Of COURSE you were excited to see "proof" he had you in mind for the future. Anyone in your shoes would be, and of course it gets your hopes up and maybe makes you blind to red flags. It's only natural, which is why right now I'm TERRIFIED of getting in another relationship and making another mistake. The thought of investing even just months or, God forbid, longer, only for the whole thing to fall to sh*t, just makes me want to swear romantic relationships away forever.

 

I find that I am watching life happen around me whilst I merely exist. Horrible isn't it? I'm always saying 'Why me, when will it be my turn to be happy'. I like you start blaming myself in parts for the failure of my relationship. I'm lucky that I have a wonderful sister who when I start saying, "I should've done this, blah blah blah" she immediately stops me and says, "It doesn't matter how you reacted to his awful behaviour, he should not have done it in the first place". This is true I was forgetting that he was being horrible for no reason at all. My friends are the same and always tell me "Don't even go down that road of excusing him".

 

I do this, too. I think it's a way of trying to regain control over the outcome. E.g., "If only I'd done ____ or if I hadn't done or said ______, then none of this would have happened." But you know, whatever you could have done or said that you didn't do or say, or vice versa, it still does nothing to alter the fact that independently of YOU, he acted the way HE did. And you have to ask yourself, why isn't HE over there thinking, "If only I--?"

[elseaacych]

GC, swearing away romantic relationships forever is not a reasonable answer to having your heart broken, in my opinion. In a way, it's like keeping yourself tethered to your ex, because he is the reason you are out of the dating pool.

 

It is okay, and healthy to take a dating break. I had a group of guys lined up outside my door for dating shortly after breaking up with my ex, and I ran through them like water, because I was giving off vibes that I was not ready to have a healthy relationship. So, I took a break to focus on what was important to me at the time.

 

The difference between my dating break and yours is that I wanted to focus on other things that were important to me, whereas you are doing it as more of a knee jerk reaction, and out of fear that your heart will be ripped apart again.

 

Regardless of whether you choose to venture out into the dating world again or not, make the reason you choose to do so a reason that you can feel empowered by. You will feel much more confident in your decisions to date, not date, just go out with a group of friends, go out alone, or whatever you want to do.

 

What you need to do now, in your moving on process, is develop a sense of confidence in owning your actions. Confidence is not developed out of fear.

Edited September 2, 2014 by elseaacych

[BC1980]

GC, swearing away romantic relationships forever is not a reasonable answer to having your heart broken, in my opinion. In a way, it's like keeping yourself tethered to your ex, because he is the reason you are out of the dating pool.

 

This is really good advice. I read a book called "Mars and Venus Starting Over" that speaks to this issue.

[Zapbasket]

GC, swearing away romantic relationships forever is not a reasonable answer to having your heart broken, in my opinion. In a way, it's like keeping yourself tethered to your ex, because he is the reason you are out of the dating pool.

 

I'm not actually planning to swear away romantic relationships forever. I'm using LS for what it's good for: venting my fears. Damn straight I'm scared, and I'm taking a dating break not out of fear but because I don't think right now it's a good focus for me to have, except as a little experiment, where I try out interactions with lots of different guys and pay attention to the signals I pick up on, and watch myself interpret them. That's why I'm on a dating site.

 

I'm very much a "feel the fear and do it anyway" person--but I've got to have a place where I can articulate and explore my fears. What I say on LS does not necessarily translate to what I DO in my non-online life. I have reason to be afraid. I've not had a single positive interaction of import with the opposite sex, except maybe my grandfather.

 

And this isn't keeping me tethered to my ex: he is the reason I'm back IN the dating pool.

 

I think the thing I need most right now is to just be able to BE where I am, and explore that. I feel confident at this point that I am not stuck; there is a lot of subterranean work happening and while I'm struggling, I'm floating now, not sinking. Not swimming just yet, but treading water with the horizon clearly in sight.

 

So, yeah. Right now I am very afraid of romantic relationships. I'm afraid of embarking on another one and having it fail. I'm afraid of not picking up on the flags I should know now to pick up on. I'm even more afraid to listen to my instinct because actually I DO and HAVE picked up on flags, I then rationalize my way of what my gut is clearly telling me. I'm just...afraid. I think most of all I'm afraid that I am not myself what I want to attract and if so, then that really needs to be my focus but I'm not sure whether that's just another way I'm being hard on myself or whether it's true.

[Carpe-diem]

GC,

 

I understand about wanting an apology. You want that person to admit they did wrong, prick their conscience. After my split I remember thinking it would've been nice if he had said, 'For what it's worth I'm sorry'. Not a hope! What I did get was emotional manipulation.

 

With regards to 'Cutting the cord' that was me quoting you. It's happening to you already whichever way you want to phrase it. I do get why people stay friends with exes. I don't advocate it for healing but to have a loved one in your life...then boom they're gone, hard to get your head around. The point I was making about smiling and walking on is you are assuming some distant contact with him in the future will give you resolution. You are setting your high standards against his which appear to be low. You said you will "Sever ties wtih people who don't treat you with respect" He hasn't treated you with respect so why want a reconciliation. I know you'll say if he contacted you but aim to be indifferent about it. That's what I am trying to do.

 

Where I said my ex treated me badly because I was desperate for a baby, I can see where it looked like I was taking the blame. What I meant was he saw that as my weakness and maybe exploited it. Look at most sports, you find the opponents weakness and use it to your advantage.

 

On the subject of dating. Don't dismiss it. You said it would be a distraction but what's wrong with that. Some harmless flirting and having a man want to be with you does wonders for your esteem that has hit an all time low. If you're afraid of hurting someone elses feelings because you're not ready for a full blown commitment then be honest with them. I've been on about 11 dates since the ex, one a rebound I admit but no hearts broken. I've hopefully got 2 more lined up. As much as I want to be in a new relationship I'm not going to settle for second best. But if you're not ready don't force yourself. Most choices in life are a risk, dating, new job, moving house. Anything can go wrong but sometimes it can be the best thing you ever did.

 

When you commented on my exes xmas present, I actually believe he did mean it at the time. I never found out why my ex didn't want to be with me. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of asking why. On the day we split up I finally put the focus on my feelings that had been neglected for so long. I can tell you he was shocked I finally snapped. His manipulating ways didn't work.

 

xx

[BC1980]

I'm not actually planning to swear away romantic relationships forever. I'm using LS for what it's good for: venting my fears. Damn straight I'm scared, and I'm taking a dating break not out of fear but because I don't think right now it's a good focus for me to have, except as a little experiment, where I try out interactions with lots of different guys and pay attention to the signals I pick up on, and watch myself interpret them. That's why I'm on a dating site.

 

I'm very much a "feel the fear and do it anyway" person--but I've got to have a place where I can articulate and explore my fears. What I say on LS does not necessarily translate to what I DO in my non-online life. I have reason to be afraid. I've not had a single positive interaction of import with the opposite sex, except maybe my grandfather.

 

And this isn't keeping me tethered to my ex: he is the reason I'm back IN the dating pool.

 

I think the thing I need most right now is to just be able to BE where I am, and explore that. I feel confident at this point that I am not stuck; there is a lot of subterranean work happening and while I'm struggling, I'm floating now, not sinking. Not swimming just yet, but treading water with the horizon clearly in sight.

 

So, yeah. Right now I am very afraid of romantic relationships. I'm afraid of embarking on another one and having it fail. I'm afraid of not picking up on the flags I should know now to pick up on. I'm even more afraid to listen to my instinct because actually I DO and HAVE picked up on flags, I then rationalize my way of what my gut is clearly telling me. I'm just...afraid. I think most of all I'm afraid that I am not myself what I want to attract and if so, then that really needs to be my focus but I'm not sure whether that's just another way I'm being hard on myself or whether it's true.

 

I completely understand. Until recently, the thought of another romantic relationship induced fear and anxiety. Just the possibility of falling in love again seemed overwhelming. I'm just now getting to the point where I feel healthy enough to date. I feel far enough detached from my ex to be open to another person. I agree wholeheartedly with the idea of feeling your fear and moving on from it. Actually, that book "Mars and Venus Starting Over" supports that entire idea, which is when I became convinced it was the way to go.

 

I don't want you to feel I am coming down hard on you because I can relate to what you write. I think we all can, which is why we are so invested in this thread quite honestly. In many of your posts, I would think, "dang, I have felt that exact way." I can only speak for myself, but I can relate to so much of what you write, which is why I'm so determined to help you see the light, so to speak. I guess I've been there, and I know what some of the illogical and negative thinking can do to you.

[BC1980]

With regards to 'Cutting the cord' that was me quoting you. It's happening to you already whichever way you want to phrase it. I do get why people stay friends with exes. I don't advocate it for healing but to have a loved one in your life...then boom they're gone, hard to get your head around. The point I was making about smiling and walking on is you are assuming some distant contact with him in the future will give you resolution. You are setting your high standards against his which appear to be low. You said you will "Sever ties wtih people who don't treat you with respect" He hasn't treated you with respect so why want a reconciliation. I know you'll say if he contacted you but aim to be indifferent about it. That's what I am trying to do.

 

I think the idea of "cutting the cord" might be different for all of us. For me, it was deciding to go NC. Of course, the detachment happens gradually, but I felt I needed to sever our superficial ties in order to make real progress in moving on.

 

I think you make a good point about standards. GC's standards are very different than K's, and that is where the problem comes in. My standards and expectations for a relationship were not the same as my ex's. He wanted to be present in body but not emotionally. He was all about how the relationship looked on the outside. He did what he thought constituted being a good boyfriend, but I'm not sure how much emotion was behind it.

 

I would have been there through thick and thin, but I never felt he would do that for me. I felt like his love was on condition that I meet certain expectations, and some that were out of my control. He made comments, suggesting that he felt it was okay to leave a spouse with a chronic illness, such as MS or Alzheimer's. When he said that, the only thing I could think was, "but I would be there for him if something terrible happened." I'm not saying either way is right or wrong, but I'm saying that the two ways of loving are not compatible. He felt it was okay to leave a spouse with a chronic illness if the person hampered the lifestyle that he wanted. That is what it came down to.

[Carpe-diem]

Hi BC,

 

Totally agree with what you posted. As I said when I first joined this thread I related most to how your ex behaved.

 

That's the point I was making about remaining friends. You said yourself you started off as limited contact then realised this was not helping so went total NC and you've come a long way. That's what I was trying to get across to GC about the smiling and keep moving. I don't know how I would react if I bumped into my ex again. Last time I saw him I turned away. I imagined that night that he would have been hurt by my actions and I expected to hear from him asking why I blew him off. I have no idea what he thought. With his BPD, narcissistic tendencies he probably thought, "Bitch" how dare she. Would I hear him out if he ever contacted me? I have no idea. Curiosity is a killer but I'd like to think I will have got to the stage and be indifferent to it all.

 

Our exes are so alike. Mine was so self righteous. My thoughts are he had a high opinion of himself but actually didn't like himself very much. I believe he may have cheated on me, if not physically then emotionally but I'll likely never know. When you said about your ex and the disability thing that really struck a cord. I've always (in my warped mind) judged whether I loved someone by deciding if they had an accident and ended up in a wheelchair would I still be with them? If I loved them then absolutely. My ex told me if we had a child and it was disabled he wouldn't want to know. Sounds like they find disabilities a unacceptable weakness.

 

I'm not over my ex by a long shot but I see the reality of our relationship. I hope to meet someone else and put the focus back on me which is what I want GC to do. Look within herself for the answers. xx

[Zapbasket]

PLEASE, PLEASE DON'T COME DOWN HARD ON ME FOR THIS; I'M JUST HAVING A LOW SPELL.

 

It really seems like K might move to his hometown, a couple of hundred miles away. It's no surprise as he always talked about it over the years, but in the way he talked about everything else--the vague dreams of a pre-teen boy rather than a grown man actively visioning and making plans.

 

My best friend says it doesn't matter whether he leaves town or stays, any sign that he's moving forward will for me feel like a slap in the face. She's right, but one of the things I said to him from our earliest months of dating was, "It's like you're here, but you're not really here." Everything about his existence where we live had this temporary, non-invested quality to it--from his dingy apartment above his parents' garage, to the work he absolutely hated, to the vague non-plans that danced all over the place, to his complete detachment from the community and people who live here (many of whom he attended high school with when he lived in this town for a year as a teen). He really was, as I said to him in the last year of our relationship, "like a lily pad floating on a still lake of nowhere."

 

I KNOW it's out of my control and focusing on it is counterproductive. But it sets off this FLOOD of insecurity and hurt. I keep trying to focus on other things, but it's sitting there, just this dull ache.

 

I mean, could he really go from so lost, lost even from himself so that he didn't even commit himself to the effort of getting his sh*t figured out (quitting therapy right after he broke it off with me), to suddenly knowing exactly how he wants to move forward and...actually MOVING FORWARD? Since July he has been working as a recreational guide in his hometown over at least every other weekend, and this weekend he has been there from Thursday through today. That's more get-up-and-go than he ever showed in our relationship.

 

It hurts because I tried to be loyal to him, and to help him. As my best friend said, sometimes your partner gets stuck, and you have to push him--and sometimes you have to be pushed. She said I did all the right things, just with someone who saw me as the enemy rather than as a support.

 

Maybe what I need to hear from something outside my own brain is that just because he might be moving and just because he got this gig as a guide doesn't mean he's sorted out his sh*t and in fact, it just continues his pattern of not dealing with stuff. He made no effort to make it work here, has me still around as an unpleasant reminder of his failures, and so he gets out of town on weekends to avoid the whole thing.

 

I know I shouldn't care but his lack of care in just about everything that had to do with me just feels like such an insult, especially to imagine him finally beginning to wake up. I mean, could he really be getting his sh*t together?

Edited September 2, 2014 by GreenCove

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Yes, it does sound like he's growing up and moving on. What does it mean to you that he has? Do you think it reflects on your importance to him? His investment in the relationship? Does it disprove your belief that K is a manchild who can never improve?

 

The fact that he's made this progress has no bearing on you, and I know you know that. I'm sorry this has brought you down. Spend time with your friends and think about your birthday plans!

[BC1980]

You're taking two things you have learned (he worked as a weekend guide and he might be moving), and you are spinning out of control. You have no idea if he has changed or not. You are making up a scenario that has very little basis in fact. If you are going to continue to talk to his mom, ask her not to talk about him.

 

I know you feel hurt by the idea that he might have changed, but it's got nothing to do with you. You chased after him to change for 3 years, and he didn't change for you. You put in a lot of effort, but he still didn't change for you. Yes, it's painful, but you are judging your worth against his actions. You can put in all the effort in the world, but it never guarantees your partner will meet you even half way. You kept trying because you thought that if he changed, it meant you were worth it. Your entire self worth was built on K changing to meet acceptable standards of a relationship. Did you ever think that the fault of his inability to change lies with him. One person can't pull two. The two of you are fundamentally incompatible, and it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you.

[BC1980]

I know I shouldn't care but his lack of care in just about everything that had to do with me just feels like such an insult, especially to imagine him finally beginning to wake up. I mean, could he really be getting his sh*t together?

 

Of course, it hurts, and it's okay if you care. I don't know if he's changed. None of us know, but use this as a lesson. You will walk next time someone shows you their true colors. You won't stick around and try to change the person.

[Zapbasket]

So you REALLY think he's undergone this incredible transformation whereby his issues have completely been worked through and all this is signified by his moving back to where he grew up?

 

I just don't see how that is possible, given everyone has told me he has major issues and my issue was not recognizing that.

 

See why I am confused?

 

And yeah, it does matter to me, so it's not helpful to day, "Why do you care?" I care. It has a bearing on me because it's about the accuracy of my perceptions. I was "supposed" to have recognized that he wasn't going to change and have walked away from the relationship. But if this one event of his POSSIBLY moving signified that indeed he has "grown up and moved on," as someone who does now know either me or him, then evidently I should have not pushed him a year ago, because we would have coasted to a place where he finally grew up. And so I'd have been right to hold on. The only reason he broke it off with me was because I backed him into a wall because I was tired of the limbo.

 

So if the narrative I am supposed to patly construct about this relationship was that I held on to to someone who showed no sign of deserving to be held on to, then how am I supposed to interpret his suddenly--bam!--"growing up"?

[BC1980]

I doubt he's grown up, but I also think it doesn't matter to your life moving forward. I understand that you feel it matters a great deal because, if true, you failed. Then, you can go further by saying that leaving you helped him change. That would be painful and hard not to take personally.

 

However, all of this is pure conjecture, and we will never know anything definitely. He might have changed. Maybe he didn't. The point is that he chose not to be in a relationship with you. He chose to stop investing in you as a couple. So moving forward, how does wondering if he has changed help you? You can't recoup the investment at this point. It's a better use of time if you start asking yourself how to avoid this in the future.

 

Realize it hurts, understud why it hurts, and take steps to move forward from it.

[BC1980]

So if the narrative I am supposed to patly construct about this relationship was that I held on to to someone who showed no sign of deserving to be held on to, then how am I supposed to interpret his suddenly--bam!--"growing up"?

 

I don't think you need to interpret it at all. I woundn't give it the time of day. I would be more concerned with myself. BTW, I said it was okay if you care.

 

You spend entirely too much time dissecting his psyche. Aren't you exhausted? You have come to the same conclusion you did after a year into the relationship.

[elseaacych]

So you REALLY think he's undergone this incredible transformation whereby his issues have completely been worked through and all this is signified by his moving back to where he grew up?

 

I only speak for me, but I doubt he has. A change in location doesn't mean a change in attitude. It just means that he's going somewhere else. Depending on his experiences there, it may generate a shift in attitude, but if you are fundamentally an ass-ole, it more than likely won't.

 

Next point:

[..]everyone has told me he has major issues and my issue was not recognizing that.

 

See why I am confused?

 

And yeah, it does matter to me, so it's not helpful to day, "Why do you care?" I care. It has a bearing on me because it's about the accuracy of my perceptions. I was "supposed" to have recognized that he wasn't going to change and have walked away from the relationship. But if this one event of his POSSIBLY moving signified that indeed he has "grown up and moved on," as someone who does now know either me or him, then evidently I should have not pushed him a year ago, because we would have coasted to a place where he finally grew up. And so I'd have been right to hold on. The only reason he broke it off with me was because I backed him into a wall because I was tired of the limbo.

 

Shortly after I broke up with my ex, my mother said this to me:

 

"Elsea, you and P had a good relationship, but I could tell for a long time that you two just weren't going to work out. I didn't know how, or when you two would separate. It could have been after you two got married, after you two had kids, I don't know. But you two had been growing apart. Now, you are going to grow on your own without him weighing you down."

 

Like I mentioned before, I'd been thinking of leaving my ex. We were on different paths. I was tired of the bullsh-t.

 

You and your ex grew apart in your relationship, because neither of you seemed to agree with the way the other was "growing". Your ex didn't care for the way you watered the garden that was his life and nurtured his wants and needs. So I doubt that had you two stayed together, he would have changed to make you happy. You would both be in this unhappy holding pattern.

 

GC, you need to tend to your garden, because you best know how it should grow.

 

Metaphors aside, I don't think your ex has grown up. A change in location does not mean a change in attitude. He may be running away from something. It is not a position of strength, but a position of fear. That's what my ex did, and he is worse off because of it, as far as I know.

 

 

So if the narrative I am supposed to patly construct about this relationship was that I held on to to someone who showed no sign of deserving to be held on to, then how am I supposed to interpret his suddenly--bam!--"growing up"?

 

He's growing the way he wants to grow. No more, no less. You don't know whether he has grown up or not. If he is someone you do not want to have a relationship with, NOW, you just have to acknowledge that the way he is going is not the where your heart wants to go.

 

Where does your heart want to go?

Edited September 2, 2014 by elseaacych

[Zapbasket]

I don't think you need to interpret it at all. I woundn't give it the time of day. I would be more concerned with myself. BTW, I said it was okay if you care.

 

You spend entirely too much time dissecting his psyche. Aren't you exhausted? You have come to the same conclusion you did after a year into the relationship.

 

That's the thing, though--I still don't know WHAT was the right conclusion. Was he a jerk, or not?

 

If he has just suddenly blossomed in his "freedom" from our relationship, then yeah, that just hurts. His whole monumental rejection of me hurts.

 

If indeed he has suddenly "found himself"--I mean, first of all, how in the hell is that possible? He couldn't even stay in therapy long enough to really examine his issues. Even our therapist said he at first seemed open to looking at himself, and then just pissed on the whole thing, shut down, and quit. Just like he did in our relationship. How could this person then turn around in such a short time frame and change?

 

And if he changed, then he'd recognize how terribly stuck he really was all these years. Wouldn't he have the tiniest bit of compunction for what he put me through? Wouldn't he feel even just a little like he maybe should apologize?

 

I know, he probably won't. For the same reason, I have been told, that he won't likely change. I mean, surely all it means that he's moving to his hometown is that he's running away from his problems here to what is familiar to him.

 

If he can just suddenly change and that's what all this signifies, then I want the drugs he must have taken.

 

I feel like a complete loser. Of course I want to know that my time and support was valuable and appreciated. He threw me away like I was just NOTHING to him all along. That is a very, very hard pill to swallow, I'll tell you.

 

I could lie and say this doesn't phase me and it's all good, but this hurt just sits in the bottom of my soul like a spiny poisonous starfish on the ocean floor.

 

The way I feel right now, I don't think I really can keep up a relationship with his mom. I have too much hurt and confusion about K to be able to keep up with her in any kind of healthy way, for either of us.

[elseaacych]

He dumped you a year ago. What he is doing now has no reflection on you. If you see him as a jerk, and someone you don't want to spend time with, let him be that jerk.

 

Your time was valuable, and appreciated. He may not acknowledge it anymore, but if the time you spent with him it is still valuable to you, you can keep and treasure the time you spent together. You can always appreciate it, you can appreciate the good you did for him.

 

Do right by you. Give yourself credit.

 

Just know that the way he is going is not the way you want to go.

 

See above post.