Fear I am not progressing well in coping, 2

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

He probably avoided you because he wasn't interested in any kind of confrontation, and blocked you as a way of solidifying how uninterested he is. I don't know if he's a coward or not (I don't want to analyze him at all here; he's no longer the issue and his state of mind isn't relevant) but it is safe to infer he does not want to have any contact with you, not now or in the future. You cannot hope that events may change him ("unless moved to do so...") because that will not happen. He has closed all possible avenues of communication.

 

Of course we don't know all the ins and outs of your relationship, but relationships are not as unique as we would like to believe. Human frailties and problems play out over and over the same way. We recognize patterns and even our own failed relationships in the stories of others. Simply put, you cannot assume he cares about you when his every action indicates he wants you out of his life. To do so postpones an acceptance of the finality of it all. It also wastes much-needed energy that you need for healing, as Minneola wisely pointed out.

 

I am so sorry you hurt so much. My heart

aches for you, from my own broken place that's long healed but still burns sometimes. For your own sake you need to actively commit to going forward. You must force yourself to stop asking why, to stop overthinking his every move and every bit of information you receive, and to replace him with healing statements in your mind like "I need to focus on myself now" and "He no longer matters to my well-being." This is incredibly difficult but it's crucial for you to start today. Your health has to be your only priority now.

[Zapbasket]

He probably avoided you because he wasn't interested in any kind of confrontation, and blocked you as a way of solidifying how uninterested he is. I don't know if he's a coward or not (I don't want to analyze him at all here; he's no longer the issue and his state of mind isn't relevant) but it is safe to infer he does not want to have any contact with you, not now or in the future. You cannot hope that events may change him ("unless moved to do so...") because that will not happen. He has closed all possible avenues of communication.

 

Of course we don't know all the ins and outs of your relationship, but relationships are not as unique as we would like to believe. Human frailties and problems play out over and over the same way. We recognize patterns and even our own failed relationships in the stories of others. Simply put, you cannot assume he cares about you when his every action indicates he wants you out of his life. To do so postpones an acceptance of the finality of it all. It also wastes much-needed energy that you need for healing, as Minneola wisely pointed out.

 

I am so sorry you hurt so much. My heart

aches for you, from my own broken place that's long healed but still burns sometimes. For your own sake you need to actively commit to going forward. You must force yourself to stop asking why, to stop overthinking his every move and every bit of information you receive, and to replace him with healing statements in your mind like "I need to focus on myself now" and "He no longer matters to my well-being." This is incredibly difficult but it's crucial for you to start today. Your health has to be your only priority now.

 

Fine, then. He is God. Can't you at least allow for some bit about how he sucks? it is not NORMAL to treat someone as he treated me. It's NOT.

 

I really wish I were a horrible bitch because it seems being indifferent and just cutting people out without compassion is The Way to Be.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

I don't know if you're willfully misconstruing my point or not; nowhere did anyone say that what he's doing is nice or good or right, only that it's understandable in the context of an ended relationship with two emotionally incompatible partners. I am not making excuses for him. No one is. But you go on and on about how he was so indifferent and avoidant. Of course he's going to ignore you---that is what avoidant people do. You are constantly justifying and rationalizing his behavior while simultaneously saying you just can't possibly understand it. You know what he's like, so why are you so disappointed that he isn't living up to your expectations?

 

I'm sorry if my bluntness comes off as unkind. That's certainly not my intention. But I won't indulge your magical thinking or obsessive rumination, especially when it's so obvious that they're so damaging to your mental health. You can stop caring about him without losing your ability for compassion and love; you should just recognize that at this point you cannot care for him and protect your own well-being.

[BC1980]

Fine, then. He is God. Can't you at least allow for some bit about how he sucks? it is not NORMAL to treat someone as he treated me. It's NOT.

 

I really wish I were a horrible bitch because it seems being indifferent and just cutting people out without compassion is The Way to Be.

 

I know you're frustrated, but I think part of that comes from being upset with yourself. I had to take blame as well because my ex did some things that should have made me leave. So I stayed and was aware, and I have to take responsibility for that.

 

You will forever be frustrated if you expect from people what they cannot or will not give. It's always up to you to act in your own best interest when someone shows you their true colors. I don't think anyone said he was a great person, but we are all saying that it no longer matters.

[Zapbasket]

I forgot to say that I think you should really consider ending the friendship with his Mother. This doesn't mean you have to ignore her but you don't have to meet up with her or confide in her. I think you do keep in contact with her to find out about K. Look what's happened when you found out he was moving! I'd say in 3 months time you'll be trying to find out if he is dating. How will you cope with that? I reckon that will totally destroy you.

 

 

Self preservation GC. When we deliberately go looking for information on the ex you'll usually hear/see something you didn't want to. No news in this scenario is good news.

 

 

xx

 

I have tried to navigate a relationship with his mom because she and I do have a connection and I knew her before I ever met K; we met at work and started developing a friendship before I ever even met her son.

 

But even after that lovely interaction we had last week, I feel the whole thing with K. hanging over us. There is no way I can hash out all of it honestly with her without coming out and saying I think the way he just slithered out of the relationship was unnecessarily cruel and that while he perhaps meant well in his heart, he engaged in a lot of subtle and not-so-subtle relationship-sabotaging behaviors that were the cause of the majority of the "acrimony" (his word) in our relationship. And thus his stance that he always iterates with his mom, that the reason we can't be together is because we "fought too much," is nothing more than an excuse and his tendency to place blame on everyone else and not look at or take responsibility for his own behaviors.

 

Then, of course, even if I could say all of that, it begs the question of why on earth I stayed in the relationship, and why I'm hurting so much now that it's over. The fact of this elephant in the room between us just makes me have more questions and feel that sadness and confusion all over again.

 

And the biggest thing is that she really enabled his bad behavior, always trying to win me around to accepting his behavior rather than leaning on him to cut it out. this seems to be a longstanding family dynamic in that she confided to me once that K. always tormented his younger sister and she would cry or get mad, and it doesn't sound like any of the adults put a stop to it. His grandparents always called him "ornery," and he could be a grump around his family, and they all just accepted it. His mom also has supported his living in their garage apartment (he always claimed he paid rent but I had my doubts) for the majority of his 30s and has made excuses for that, too. So basically, to continue a close relationship with her keeps me in that dysfunctional dynamic and sets me up for a real upset if he ends up with a girlfriend who is avoidant and ambivalent like he is and therefore on the outside it seems like they "get along" better. His mom will so badly want to believe that K can have a healthy relationship that she'll drop way down into the denial rabbit hole and have to somehow inform me that THIS relationship is working in the ways ours "didn't."

 

So, given this, I am beginning to think the best thing I can do is to tell her I need distance for an unspecified period of time. I know this will make us both sad. I think if I ask for this distance, that probably will be it between us, and that's sad.

 

I really hate him for his selfishness and detachment and lack of self-awareness. He made this whole thing a million times harder than it needed to be, and so much more hurtful. F*ck that bastard.

[BC1980]

With regards to why you stayed and why you have trouble letting go, logic and the heart don't always run parallel. You knew who K was, but you loved him. So you invested three years in hope and seeing the potential. You can't just reverse that over night. One of the hardest parts if a relationship ending is coming to terms with the reality of what it actually was. I think we usually know what the real deal is, but we like to claim we were blind sided because it makes us feel better. I was blind sided at the timing but not that my breakup happened. I always had that doubt in the back of my mind and with good reason. I wasn't crazy, and there was no puzzle. It just takes your heart awhile to catch up.

 

You make K so much more difficult and complicated than I think he truly is. We all do that though. When you stay preoccupied with your ex, you delay accepting reality. I understand that because reality is very painful, but it's always been the reality.

[BC1980]

His mom sounds way too entrenched in your relationship with K. It sounds very unhealthy to continue engaging with her.

[Zapbasket]

With regards to why you stayed and why you have trouble letting go, logic and the heart don't always run parallel. You knew who K was, but you loved him. So you invested three years in hope and seeing the potential. You can't just reverse that over night. One of the hardest parts if a relationship ending is coming to terms with the reality of what it actually was. I think we usually know what the real deal is, but we like to claim we were blind sided because it makes us feel better. I was blind sided at the timing but not that my breakup happened. I always had that doubt in the back of my mind and with good reason. I wasn't crazy, and there was no puzzle. It just takes your heart awhile to catch up.

 

You make K so much more difficult and complicated than I think he truly is. We all do that though. When you stay preoccupied with your ex, you delay accepting reality. I understand that because reality is very painful, but it's always been the reality.

 

Well put, and it's true. Also what you said a couple of posts ago, that I'm angry at myself. I should have walked away, and I didn't. But you know? It really was because I loved him. I still do love him. That's why this outcome is so bloody painful to accept. And I think that yes, the "confusion" I feel comes from that gap in understanding between my head (which understands very well, and understood from the get-go), and my heart (which doesn't understand at all).

[Zapbasket]

His mom sounds way too entrenched in your relationship with K. It sounds very unhealthy to continue engaging with her.

 

Intellectually I think I might know what you mean, but could you please elaborate for my pygmy (heart) brain so that I can FULLY understand? Do you mean that she has not let go and might (unconsciously) "use" me to convince herself that it wasn't her son's problem that caused this relationship to fail?

 

That's what I fear, deep down. She seems to have such ambivalent feelings about K. Denial one moment, and then almost-to-outright acknowledgement that he has some real problems.

[Zapbasket]

I don't know if you're willfully misconstruing my point or not; nowhere did anyone say that what he's doing is nice or good or right, only that it's understandable in the context of an ended relationship with two emotionally incompatible partners. I am not making excuses for him. No one is. But you go on and on about how he was so indifferent and avoidant. Of course he's going to ignore you---that is what avoidant people do. You are constantly justifying and rationalizing his behavior while simultaneously saying you just can't possibly understand it. You know what he's like, so why are you so disappointed that he isn't living up to your expectations?

 

I'm sorry if my bluntness comes off as unkind. That's certainly not my intention. But I won't indulge your magical thinking or obsessive rumination, especially when it's so obvious that they're so damaging to your mental health. You can stop caring about him without losing your ability for compassion and love; you should just recognize that at this point you cannot care for him and protect your own well-being.

 

I'm just frustrated because I'm having such a hard time with this reality. For one, though it makes sense that, as you say, he is ignoring me "because that is what avoidant people do," I have a hard time understand how a person's emotional "style" precludes doing the right thing by other people. Surely one can be avoidant and still manage to be kind, or still manage to put in an effort in their relationships?

 

I guess that was my thinking. I could see he was avoidant, yes, but I didn't think it was unrealistic of me to expect that he would show up to the relationship and meet me half way, with integrity.

 

I will tell you that this outcome, of him slipping away from this relationship and never once reaching out in a solid YEAR, truly was not something I anticipated, imagined, or believed could be possible. I really believed that I was more in his heart than that; I felt it. So I don't see how that is "magical thinking" on my part? I'm genuinely shocked. And that's why unconsciously (and not so unconsciously) I spent a lot of this year waiting him out, still thinking I might hear from him and at the very least he'd come around to put some proper closure on the whole thing. Finding him on the dating site in May really hurtled me into the possibility that he would NOT reach out--and then, as the summer progressed, it seemed to become a reality that I had to begin to accept.

 

And man, it's HARD. I really do feel terribly betrayed. I think it's understandable that my mind would go into a bit of a swirl as I try to figure out what on earth I missed. Because you're right: I did pick up on the things I needed to pick up on, I just drew the wrong conclusions about them (?). The only thing I think I missed was what these things I observed about him said about his CHARACTER. Because it's not emotional STYLE, but poor CHARACTER that would lead someone to behave as he did in the relationship, and at its end. And that's hard because I believed he was so much more. I really did. I thought he really had a good side that prevailed over his less classy (for lack of a better word) traits.

 

And that's where I still am confused. I thought I saw correctly. The betrayal of me by my own perceptions is perhaps the HARDEST thing to wrap my head around.

 

I genuinely am confused, and that's why especially in low times, my thoughts lead back to him, trying to figure it out.

 

Can you see where I'm coming from? Do you have any thoughts about this? I really do value what you have to say.

[Zapbasket]

You will forever be frustrated if you expect from people what they cannot or will not give.

 

This is very, very hard for me. I expect from others what I expect from myself. And I am forever preoccupied with trying to do the "right" thing. I'm not always successful, but I always try, and I think that shows in my character and I take pride in that.

 

And I have a hard time relating to or understanding people who "don't care." I mean, really: I don't get it at all. When I encounter people like this, I am baffled, and their global indifference both scares and awes (because scares) me.

 

I guess, among people, I always expect from them. And yes, it very often leads to disappointment and me feeling blindsided when I'm treated badly.

 

How do you limit what you expect from people as a whole, and not become bitter and jaded?

 

Because I really hate it when I encounter someone who doesn't even know me and doesn't even try and I just get brusque indifference because they've learned not to expect from people, and not to attach.

 

I really don't know how to strike a better balance.

[BC1980]

This is very, very hard for me. I expect from others what I expect from myself. And I am forever preoccupied with trying to do the "right" thing. I'm not always successful, but I always try, and I think that shows in my character and I take pride in that.

 

And I have a hard time relating to or understanding people who "don't care." I mean, really: I don't get it at all. When I encounter people like this, I am baffled, and their global indifference both scares and awes (because scares) me.

 

I guess, among people, I always expect from them. And yes, it very often leads to disappointment and me feeling blindsided when I'm treated badly.

 

How do you limit what you expect from people as a whole, and not become bitter and jaded?

 

Because I really hate it when I encounter someone who doesn't even know me and doesn't even try and I just get brusque indifference because they've learned not to expect from people, and not to attach.

 

I really don't know how to strike a better balance.

 

I think you should expect from others what you give. When you don't get it in return, you remove yourself from the situation.

 

One thing I get from your posts is that you feel you know what is "right," and K (or anyone else), needs to act in this way. K needs to give you closure in the way you see fit or else he is not as right as you about the way he ended the relationship. Instead of you walking away, K should have stepped up because that was the right thing to do. I'm not saying he was a saint, but your line of thinking is very rigid, which interests me because you analyze things so deeply. I think you go through all of this analyzing because you want to come to an objective conclusion about K and maybe life in general. I've noticed these tendencies in myself, and I think it's unrealistic. The better thing to say is that you and K aren't on the same page, and you have different values than him. You can't judge if he's right or wrong. It's just different than the way you communicate.

[BC1980]

I guess, among people, I always expect from them. And yes, it very often leads to disappointment and me feeling blindsided when I'm treated badly.

 

But where you really blindsided? Reading back over your threads, it seems like you knew what was going on. Maybe at that moment, you were shocked but not in the big picture.

[Carpe-diem]

Hey GC,

 

 

I am commenting from posts since yesterday, I've re-read them all.

 

 

Most people do love/care/consider the other person when they were in the relationship and when they choose to leave it. They just didn't love/care/consider ENOUGH to be with that person. This is the key word, ENOUGH. You were not enough for K but you need to turn this around and start thinking, K was not ENOUGH for you!

 

 

The following characterisitics is how you have described K in your most recent threads;

 

 

Cowardice

Immaturity

Avoidant

Ambivalent

Selfish

Detached

No self-awareness

Bastard.

 

 

Focus on these. Was that enough for you?

 

 

You said you want to "Become closed off and much less willing to let people in"! You're starting to put up a barrier that no one will be able to break down and that one person could be your future partner. You are already punishing yourself too much, don't punish or wipe out your future.

 

 

You won't like me saying this but maybe you were just too much hard work for K. You are very analytical (to the point of obsessive, sorry) and some people just want an easy life. Please remember I am going through this as well but I focus on me, screw my ex. You both gave it a go, 3.5 years is a long time and you both tried (you more than K I can see that).

 

 

You mentioned his Mum said K said you "Fought too much" What he considered a reason you say is an excuse? Sounds like a reason to me. You've told us about joint therapy sessions, asking him to be respected etc? If the relationship was 'Golden' none of this would have been needed.

 

 

I am really sorry what you are going through GC and I relate to most of it (cried again yesterday). You ask about closure from K, you got that, he doesn't want any contact with you. Now look to yourself for closure.

 

 

F**K HIM. You can do better. Read that list I wrote.

 

 

xxxx

[Zapbasket]

 

One thing I get from your posts is that you feel you know what is "right," and K (or anyone else), needs to act in this way. K needs to give you closure in the way you see fit or else he is not as right as you about the way he ended the relationship. Instead of you walking away, K should have stepped up because that was the right thing to do. I'm not saying he was a saint, but your line of thinking is very rigid, which interests me because you analyze things so deeply. I think you go through all of this analyzing because you want to come to an objective conclusion about K and maybe life in general. I've noticed these tendencies in myself, and I think it's unrealistic. The better thing to say is that you and K aren't on the same page, and you have different values than him. You can't judge if he's right or wrong. It's just different than the way you communicate.

 

Hmmm, that doesn't resonate with me. I think in the social sphere I have a lot of flexibility and ability to accommodate a lot of different styles and values, etc. If anything I err on the side of being TOO flexible to the point of not drawing the boundaries I should have. In the case of K., nope, not going to say we just have "different values." K. deliberately undercut me, snapped at me, mocked me. Those aren't "values"; they ARE bad behavior, intended to cut me down.

 

It's like someone who acts like an ******* and then says, "That's just who I am--if X person doesn't like it, then s/he can leave." So...who you are is a flinger of sh*t? Really? No. I don't have to accommodate attitudes like that as "different values." That's "being a jerk" and I'm not going to offer some kind of woo-woo acceptance of that kind of sh*t.

 

I think you should expect from others what you give. When you don't get it in return, you remove yourself from the situation.

 

In my current social climate, that would basically relegate me to being a recluse . But I get what you mean and am working on doing that, rather than "over-giving" in order to compensate for what the other person is NOT giving.

[Zapbasket]

You won't like me saying this but maybe you were just too much hard work for K. You are very analytical (to the point of obsessive, sorry) and some people just want an easy life.

 

Most people do, so I probably won't ever make it to a successful romantic relationship.

 

 

You mentioned his Mum said K said you "Fought too much" What he considered a reason you say is an excuse? Sounds like a reason to me.

 

On the surface, sure, it's a legitimate reason. The reason I reject it with K is that it was the moments of peace between us that seemed to trigger his most provocative behavior. He deliberately provoked arguments, all the time. So to do that for 3.5 years, and then turn around and say, "We fight too much," yeah, that's a pretty lame excuse.

 

I feel like you all are giving K more credit than he deserves. There are different values, sure, but sometimes people behave like jerks and it's pretty objectively apparent that the person is a jerk. K behaved like a jerk a lot of the time. I have a lifelong history dealing with jerks and that's why I'm susceptible to trying to read something better beneath the jerkiness because as a child I had to do that to survive. Based on how much I suffered from his behavior over the years, sorry, I don't really think any of his excuses and reasons are valid and nor is his silence. I really do feel that way.

 

And you know? It's just as annoying for me to deal with dumb f*cks who "want an easy life" as it probably is for them to deal with me being analytical. It works both ways and at least I'm smart enough to have the ability to be analytical. I'm so tired of feeling bad about what I have to offer. I'm always trying to change, to lessen tendencies in order to make other people feel good. No one does that for me--but then, if a person is too dumb to examine things then they don't have the flexibility to be anything other than, well, dumb. Sorry if I sound mean; I'm just over always feeling "less."

[Zapbasket]

But where you really blindsided? Reading back over your threads, it seems like you knew what was going on. Maybe at that moment, you were shocked but not in the big picture.

 

His behavior really hurt me, over and over, and it threw me off balance so much that I think I got thrown into an earlier phase of my life, where my step-dad was very mean and I had to believe each new day brought a chance for him to be nice. It was the same way with K. I would snap myself out of my hurt to believe that that sweet K that seemed always just under the surface would be prevalent on any given day. And that's why I felt blindsided. If I saw the big picture, it quickly got subsumed in my precariously balancing on this teeter totter of never knowing when K might blow again.

[Zapbasket]

 

You won't like me saying this but maybe you were just too much hard work for K. You are very analytical (to the point of obsessive, sorry) and some people just want an easy life. Please remember I am going through this as well but I focus on me, screw my ex. You both gave it a go, 3.5 years is a long time and you both tried (you more than K I can see that).

 

xxxx

 

If this is true, then why, according to K's mom, has K had the same kinds of problems in all his previous relationships?

 

K didn't even put in a basic level of effort into the relationship, so how could I be "too much"? My friends and therapist can see that he didn't really lift a finger and this paragraph just hurts. But you don't know me, aside from my anguished posts on this board. This is on HIM, not ME. And I know someone will say that I'm just pushing blame, but you know, that's because I ABSORBED ALL THE BLAME, FOR ALL THE RELATIONSHIPS I HAVE EVER HAD!!! I'm "too much." It's my fault because I wanted intimacy. It's my fault because I'm too expressive. Uggghhhhh. Why can't I just have it be that I dated an as*hole and he is just that, an as*hole and not have a whole board validating his position as just "different values"?

[elseaacych]

Why can't I just have it be that I dated an as*hole and he is just that, an as*hole and not have a whole board validating his position as just "different values"?

 

Because on some level he is more than "just an as*hole" and had some positive qualities to him that kept you around for 3.5 years. NO NO NO DO NOT START THINKING ABOUT THEM NOW.

 

GC, to some extent, you will have to start engaging in some black and white thinking to move on. Can you not just settle with that he is not right for you, and why at this point is irrelevant because he is killing your sanity, and it's been a year.

 

You have to forgive yourself too, for being hung up on him, for being hung up on the relationship, for whatever you need to forgive yourself for.

 

What matters to you right now? Trying to figure out his actions and why your ex is the way he is? Or moving on?

 

Pick one, and these answers are mutually exclusive.

[BC1980]

If this is true, then why, according to K's mom, has K had the same kinds of problems in all his previous relationships?

 

K didn't even put in a basic level of effort into the relationship, so how could I be "too much"? My friends and therapist can see that he didn't really lift a finger and this paragraph just hurts. But you don't know me, aside from my anguished posts on this board. This is on HIM, not ME. And I know someone will say that I'm just pushing blame, but you know, that's because I ABSORBED ALL THE BLAME, FOR ALL THE RELATIONSHIPS I HAVE EVER HAD!!! I'm "too much." It's my fault because I wanted intimacy. It's my fault because I'm too expressive. Uggghhhhh. Why can't I just have it be that I dated an as*hole and he is just that, an as*hole and not have a whole board validating his position as just "different values"?

 

I think it just needs to be that it didn't work, and it's over. The WHY doesn't matter now. It really doesn't.

[Zapbasket]

I think it just needs to be that it didn't work, and it's over. The WHY doesn't matter now. It really doesn't.

 

Until it happens again, in another relationship. That's why I keep looking to see what I may have missed. I'm so terrified of another disaster like this. Because that's what it was--a disaster. One huge, unfortunate, deeply painful disaster and I never, ever want to experience this again. I am terrified.

[BC1980]

Until it happens again, in another relationship. That's why I keep looking to see what I may have missed. I'm so terrified of another disaster like this. Because that's what it was--a disaster. One huge, unfortunate, deeply painful disaster and I never, ever want to experience this again. I am terrified.

 

You didn't miss anything. You just didn't act on it. You want the situation to be more complicated than it is, so you can justify the time investment, the hours spent analyzing, and the fact that he was the one to leave.

 

I'm in no way judging because I'm also guilty. Not trying to come down hard on you but wanting to help you.

[elseaacych]

Until it happens again, in another relationship. That's why I keep looking to see what I may have missed. I'm so terrified of another disaster like this. Because that's what it was--a disaster. One huge, unfortunate, deeply painful disaster and I never, ever want to experience this again. I am terrified.

 

GC, a relationship is not a disaster. An ended relationship is tragic, yes, but not a disaster. It is a wonderful thing to love somebody, and be in love. Even if you two are fundamentally incompatible, you shared something special. Even if it is no longer special.

 

The best way you can honor your relationships, and yourself, is to know that sometimes they no longer serve the needs of those in it, and so you can just let them go.

 

You will not lose anything if you decide to stop analyzing your relationship or your ex. You will not lose anything by saying you deserve more than what you had. You will not lose anything by trying to move on.

 

Do not be terrified to move on. Sometimes the unknown brings great wonders. Sending you good thoughts today.

[Gatema]

I just wanted to say that I think all of the posters on this LS thread are outstanding people. Reading through the posts that GC has written this last year have created an accurate, visual picture, at least for me, as to what the end of a relationship can do to someone. I can honestly feel her anguish, her confusion, her disappointment, the loneliness, and all of the other pheloria of the raw emotions a person can experience during a break up.

 

I know how hard it is to make it through the day at a time like this, just showing up for work sucks, but being there with some small hint of normalcy while being present at the place of employment is like another job. It has to be a huge hurdle to scale as a daily routine, while it continues to virtually suck the life right out of you. Then what happens is home becomes like a command station, set up to uncover the whereabouts of the ex. Burning through countless hours nightly and weekends like some self imposed ritual that won't stop. It consumes every waking hour away from work, it's a tangible mission that is carried out in a quest for answers. It's driven by the need to know what the ex is doing, where they're going, or who they are loving, even though knowing that it has nothing to do with getting better. It doesn't stop the desire to keep pursuing information about the ex, the life they are living, the same life that they've chosen not to live in with you.

 

I do understand GC motivation towards finding solutions, I respect and honor her dedication to finding what she needs to feel complete. Even against some of the suggestions offered from others, she appears appreciative but steadfast in her convictions about what it is, and what it will take, or is enough, to get her ready to move on. I respect that, actually.

 

I'm not writing here to hash over the progress this young woman is making to date; I can read about the peaks and valleys she has endured.

 

I just wanted to tell all of you that are posting here trying to show support to GC, that I think all of you are remarkable people. Every post that I have read offering support has been done with such astute wisdom, genuine compassion, and at times, some much needed, but tenderly delivered, words written for a purpose. That is, in my opinion, done so to incite a reaction for a change; by using the most sensible candor a person can offer, without offending. It's no small task to point out to someone what you believe the key triggers are for remaining stuck. Especially when their view happens to appear to be one that feels things are hopeless, and too dire of a situation to ever concur. Moreover, so many personal struggles unfold just trying to keep it together, when things keep mounting. Little by little, the forces that may be, keep adding more and more to their overwhelming fear that they are not successfully coping with this new life, in this current place.

 

I totally get and understand how important it is to remind a person that there are certain behaviors, behind said actions, that are the primary culprits holding a person back; it's working against them. When someone can not get past what has happened, or doesn't know how to change something that is not working in the equation, leaves them frozen, but doing so, just prolongs even further their inability to move on emotionally. Thus, it will keep a person constantly fueled with all types of doubts, in every aspects of their life that is related to their own self worth. The focus becomes the existing uncertainties for what's next, then it simply becomes too haunting of a task to explore. As we know what it really does to a person is that it steals away any chances for growth as an individual, and it doesn't promote any positive outcome forecasts for the future, that maybe, something is about to happen, that's finally good. What is does most of the time successfully, is it keeps putting them back in their same dreaded quagmire as before, over and over again, without fail.

 

So hang in there GC, you're a fighter.

 

I'm very impressed with the amount of honest empathy that has been demonstrated here on this thread. It shows me just how much each one of you really do care about a another person's well being.

 

I can only speak for myself, but I truly appreciate the time and the effort that has been carved out of the day to respond to those seeking help. I feel that I can confidently confess, to each one of you...... what a blessing it has been to see for myself that mankind hasn't totally evaporated all the sensitivity out of the people on this planet, and yes, thankfully, there are still those willing to offer support to those needing to be heard. My most humble, thank you.

Edited September 4, 2014 by Gatema

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

I'm just frustrated because I'm having such a hard time with this reality. For one, though it makes sense that, as you say, he is ignoring me "because that is what avoidant people do," I have a hard time understand how a person's emotional "style" precludes doing the right thing by other people. Surely one can be avoidant and still manage to be kind, or still manage to put in an effort in their relationships?

 

I guess that was my thinking. I could see he was avoidant, yes, but I didn't think it was unrealistic of me to expect that he would show up to the relationship and meet me half way, with integrity.

 

I will tell you that this outcome, of him slipping away from this relationship and never once reaching out in a solid YEAR, truly was not something I anticipated, imagined, or believed could be possible. I really believed that I was more in his heart than that; I felt it. So I don't see how that is "magical thinking" on my part? I'm genuinely shocked. And that's why unconsciously (and not so unconsciously) I spent a lot of this year waiting him out, still thinking I might hear from him and at the very least he'd come around to put some proper closure on the whole thing. Finding him on the dating site in May really hurtled me into the possibility that he would NOT reach out--and then, as the summer progressed, it seemed to become a reality that I had to begin to accept.

 

And man, it's HARD. I really do feel terribly betrayed. I think it's understandable that my mind would go into a bit of a swirl as I try to figure out what on earth I missed. Because you're right: I did pick up on the things I needed to pick up on, I just drew the wrong conclusions about them (?). The only thing I think I missed was what these things I observed about him said about his CHARACTER. Because it's not emotional STYLE, but poor CHARACTER that would lead someone to behave as he did in the relationship, and at its end. And that's hard because I believed he was so much more. I really did. I thought he really had a good side that prevailed over his less classy (for lack of a better word) traits.

 

And that's where I still am confused. I thought I saw correctly. The betrayal of me by my own perceptions is perhaps the HARDEST thing to wrap my head around.

 

I genuinely am confused, and that's why especially in low times, my thoughts lead back to him, trying to figure it out.

 

Can you see where I'm coming from? Do you have any thoughts about this? I really do value what you have to say.

 

I've noticed you close a lot of posts with "can you see where I'm coming from" or "do you relate", etc. GC, let me reassure you that everyone here relates, probably far more deeply than we'd like. All of us have been in your shoes, at least in part; once again, our relationships aren't so unique.

 

When I describe magical thinking I'm referring to your phrasing about K in the future. You say that he "probably" won't reach out or that he won't contact you "unless moved by" something unknown. As far as I'm concerned, that's magical thinking, because you're still clinging to the possibility that he might contact you even if it's a one-to-one-million chance. You need to squash that chance for your own sanity. It's not going to happen, and believing that it might will only further delay your recovery.

 

I personally relate to your fears about it affecting your next relationship. I'm currently dating someone I adore and every. single. day. I'm on guard against any potential rejection. The hardest lesson I ever learned was that people who ostensibly love us can treat us horribly, and I'm scared to death of that happening again. I'm hyper-aware for any possible sign that my current man is planning to break up with me. It's exhausting, but it's also lessening as I slowly open up. I've told him about my previous experience. Instead of swearing to never hurt me, he maturely acknowledged that we will obviously hurt each other's feelings at some point but that we could deal with it like any couple does. That's helped tremendously. I'm still paranoid, but I'm getting better. And hell, if I can, you definitely can.

 

You also worry about being a poor judge of character, but I don't think that's an issue at all. Your posts from during your relationship indicate that you were acutely aware of all K's issues. Your assessment of character is just fine, I promise. The problem is within you: why did you stay? Why didn't you heed the red flags when you saw them? What is it that you hoped to accomplish?

 

I'm not saying K doesn't have problems; he definitely does. But thinking about his problems aren't going to be of any use to you in a future relationship. I guarantee you are already so well aware of his psyche (or your interpretation of it, anyhow) that you will never need to be reminded. More importantly, even if K really is the world's most special and unique snowflake of sad problems, you don't have the power to do anything about them. You are the only person you can heal and improve. This is why it's so important you redirect your mental energy onto yourself TODAY.