Fear I am not progressing well in coping, 2

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

GC,

 

Letting it go is a big part of healing, but it isn't always. You don't have to forgive if you don't want to. It's perfectly possible to acknowledge that someone deeply you and you'll always dislike them for it without being full of hatred or succumbing to despair. My Worst Ex damn near broke me as a person, and I have no desire to forgive him. I don't want to see him but don't get particularly upset if I do. I just don't think about him, period.

 

Do YOU feel ready for this event? Do you feel ready to let it go? Could you handle overhearing gossip about his new girlfriend---or seeing them together at the event? How would you feel about seeing him chat and have fun the entire night and never once acknowledge you? Will you be hurt when you look gorgeous and he doesn't so much as make eye contact? If you're genuinely comfortable with these scenarios, then sure, go right ahead. But if they make your stomach hurt you may want to skip out.

 

I don't recommend initiating contact. Just a few months ago this guy went to great lengths to avoid you in a parking lot. Unless he says hello, you should honestly consider him a complete nonentity. You do not need a plan because there is no plan. If you get too upset, go home. The more you build this up in your head the more disappointing the reality will be.

[BC1980]

Do YOU feel ready for this event? Do you feel ready to let it go? Could you handle overhearing gossip about his new girlfriend---or seeing them together at the event? How would you feel about seeing him chat and have fun the entire night and never once acknowledge you? Will you be hurt when you look gorgeous and he doesn't so much as make eye contact? If you're genuinely comfortable with these scenarios, then sure, go right ahead. But if they make your stomach hurt you may want to skip out.

 

I don't recommend initiating contact. Just a few months ago this guy went to great lengths to avoid you in a parking lot. Unless he says hello, you should honestly consider him a complete nonentity. You do not need a plan because there is no plan. If you get too upset, go home. The more you build this up in your head the more disappointing the reality will be.

 

I have to agree with this. I wouldn't make contact. I can certainly understand wanting to in an attempt to simply put it behind you and prove that it doesn't mean that much anymore. When I found out my ex was coming back to work, for a few seconds, I considered sending him an email to smooth things over. Sort of an attempt to prove to myself that I could put it all behind me and work with him. I kind of got sucked back into thinking there might be some way we could be on good terms and coexist because who wants to be in the vicinity of someone you generally dislike? I don't enjoy that feeling, and it's uncomfortable. So I do understand where you are coming from.

 

I would ignore him though, and, if he does try to talk to you, I would make it clear that you have nothing to say. You can be cordial about it, but you have no obligation to say HI or hold a conversation with him. Furthermore, to do so would be emotionally damaging to you. It seems something so small, but even seeing him can bring back a flood of memories and emotions. Even hearing my ex's voice on the phone brought back memories that upset me. I don't want that for you.

[Gatema]

GC.......

You've done a great job these past few months. I love reading about someone that once felt that there's no end to feeling like s*it. You decided to go for it, 100%, and with the passing of some time, this new GC emerged. And with your specific mindset as your challenge, you exceeded even your own expectations. And it felt f*ing amazing, didn't it?

 

It sounds as though you are making a pretty sweet life for yourself now, and it's all in your best interest.

 

I just couldn't imagine a worse hell to live in, especially as a young woman, than one that is void of any type of a social life. Making yourself live a vacant life simply because it's too painful to move on, is as close to being dead as one will ever experience. That is, in my humble opinion, of course.

 

I have to applaud your hard work, and the dedication that you had to endure to make these changes for yourself.

 

I just love success stories!

Edited November 6, 2014 by Gatema

[Zapbasket]

GC,

 

Letting it go is a big part of healing, but it isn't always. You don't have to forgive if you don't want to. It's perfectly possible to acknowledge that someone deeply you and you'll always dislike them for it without being full of hatred or succumbing to despair. My Worst Ex damn near broke me as a person, and I have no desire to forgive him. I don't want to see him but don't get particularly upset if I do. I just don't think about him, period..

 

That's the weird thing: I don't like how he acted throughout our relationship and at its end; I don't like how he treated me; but even after all this time I still like him. I still have feelings for him, even while I recognize how he was not good for me in many ways. I still care for him deeply. I kept thinking that something would snap and I'd finally stop caring, but that is not the case. It makes me want to forgive him...but only if he makes some gesture towards me that indicates he feels there is something that needs to be forgiven. Weird, huh? I'm not sure what to make of the fact that I still care about him as much as I do.

 

Do YOU feel ready for this event? Do you feel ready to let it go? Could you handle overhearing gossip about his new girlfriend---or seeing them together at the event? How would you feel about seeing him chat and have fun the entire night and never once acknowledge you? Will you be hurt when you look gorgeous and he doesn't so much as make eye contact? If you're genuinely comfortable with these scenarios, then sure, go right ahead. But if they make your stomach hurt you may want to skip out.

 

Honestly? I don't know if I'm ready. I know that last year around this time, this event was held, and I knew I couldn't face going and seeing him there. I missed out on a wonderful opportunity to meet like-minded people here and I didn't want to miss out yet again. I'm really hoping that this year, unlike last year, he won't go. All those scenarios you mention...I don't know how they'd make me feel. I only know that I have to go on with my life, and given at least for the winter he seems to be planning on staying put (he bought a ski pass for our local mountain--long, uninteresting story how I know this), I have to accept the likelihood that we will encounter each other at some point.

 

I don't recommend initiating contact. Just a few months ago this guy went to great lengths to avoid you in a parking lot. Unless he says hello, you should honestly consider him a complete nonentity. You do not need a plan because there is no plan. If you get too upset, go home. The more you build this up in your head the more disappointing the reality will be.

 

Thanks for the advice, which I will take. I've never encountered an ex after a breakup...because in the other instances, I moved. So, honest question: what IS the reality that I can and should expect with an encounter, whether at this event or at some other time I can't foresee? My guess is that if just a few months ago he went to so much trouble to avoid me, he'll be mightily uncomfortable to be at an event I'm attending, maybe even enough to leave. Or--and this is my fear, knowing him--he'll make sure to bring someone with him, or act with overt false bravado so as not to let on that he's bothered. This latter scenario would hurt. As for whether he has a girlfriend, I know he does not and is not seeing anyone.

 

So you're suggesting I snub him?

[Zapbasket]

I have to agree with this. I wouldn't make contact. I can certainly understand wanting to in an attempt to simply put it behind you and prove that it doesn't mean that much anymore. When I found out my ex was coming back to work, for a few seconds, I considered sending him an email to smooth things over. Sort of an attempt to prove to myself that I could put it all behind me and work with him. I kind of got sucked back into thinking there might be some way we could be on good terms and coexist because who wants to be in the vicinity of someone you generally dislike? I don't enjoy that feeling, and it's uncomfortable. So I do understand where you are coming from.

 

That's EXACTLY it. I just hate to have some festering "thing" with someone; I'd so much rather clear the air, even if it means "forgiving" the unforgivable, superficially at least.

 

I would ignore him though, and, if he does try to talk to you, I would make it clear that you have nothing to say. You can be cordial about it, but you have no obligation to say HI or hold a conversation with him. Furthermore, to do so would be emotionally damaging to you. It seems something so small, but even seeing him can bring back a flood of memories and emotions. Even hearing my ex's voice on the phone brought back memories that upset me. I don't want that for you.

 

Ugh, I hate that this seems the right option. Doesn't it make me look petty, though?

[BC1980]

That's EXACTLY it. I just hate to have some festering "thing" with someone; I'd so much rather clear the air, even if it means "forgiving" the unforgivable, superficially at least.

 

 

 

Ugh, I hate that this seems the right option. Doesn't it make me look petty, though?

 

I've never had a person that lingers around in my periphery that I avoid and don't want to run into. I've never had someone that I feel I have such negative feelings towards. At least not to this extent. And it's weird because it's not mutual, so I sometimes feel uncharitable. Like I'm the one making it into a "thing." I know that's not reality, and the fact is that he is trying to smooth things over to feed his ego.

 

My mom was telling me about a friend she works with who had to actually set a similar boundary with another coworker. This woman (not my mom's friend) had acted in a consistent way that hurt my mom's friend. My mom's friend told the other woman that she would be civil with her at work, but she didn't need to be friends with someone who treated her like that. She had to draw a boundary line and stick with it. I think of our situations in a similar way. With my ex, he is the one who tried to push the boundary and assert things as "cool" and act like we're on good terms because that narrative suits him. On the other hand, that narrative devalues what I experienced with him and my feelings towards him. Feelings that are completely justified. I have to keep that in mind when I feel charitable towards my ex. I have forgiven him for some things, but it was a personal choice so I could move on. It in no way absolves him from what he did.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

T

 

Honestly? I don't know if I'm ready. I know that last year around this time, this event was held, and I knew I couldn't face going and seeing him there. I missed out on a wonderful opportunity to meet like-minded people here and I didn't want to miss out yet again. I'm really hoping that this year, unlike last year, he won't go. All those scenarios you mention...I don't know how they'd make me feel. I only know that I have to go on with my life, and given at least for the winter he seems to be planning on staying put (he bought a ski pass for our local mountain--long, uninteresting story how I know this), I have to accept the likelihood that we will encounter each other at some point.

 

 

 

Thanks for the advice, which I will take. I've never encountered an ex after a breakup...because in the other instances, I moved. So, honest question: what IS the reality that I can and should expect with an encounter, whether at this event or at some other time I can't foresee? My guess is that if just a few months ago he went to so much trouble to avoid me, he'll be mightily uncomfortable to be at an event I'm attending, maybe even enough to leave. Or--and this is my fear, knowing him--he'll make sure to bring someone with him, or act with overt false bravado so as not to let on that he's bothered. This latter scenario would hurt. As for whether he has a girlfriend, I know he does not and is not seeing anyone.

 

So you're suggesting I snub him?

 

You can't snub someone who avoids you. I think it is very, very unlikely that he will approach you at all. So just pretend he isn't there because he might as well not be. Think about everyone else you're going to talk to, all the good food and drink you're going to have, and so on.

 

You shouldn't be thinking about his current circumstances. You cannot (and should not) be secure in your knowledge of his life, because you're not a part of it anymore. For all anyone knows he has a date before the week of the event and he's planning to ask her to go with him. Just imagining the possibilities will drive you batty, so try not to think of them at all.

 

Here is the reality I think you can someday expect: he will see you, avoid eye contact, maybe mumble "hello" and then leave. That's it. So long as he's unwilling to talk to you, he's going to make sure you have as little contact as possible.

[Zapbasket]

So...what if I just took the whole situation by the balls, so to speak, and walked right up to him and got in his face and confronted him with a "Hi, K, how's it going?"

[BC1980]

So...what if I just took the whole situation by the balls, so to speak, and walked right up to him and got in his face and confronted him with a "Hi, K, how's it going?"

 

In theory, that idea may seem benign, but, in reality, it would be so awkward. It would open up the door to so many things going wrong. What will likely happen is he would act nonchalant, like you are cool. No hard feelings. That would make me furious.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

The worst part is that his acting cool would be a best-case scenario. I think it's more likely that he would see you coming and leave, or ignore you, or refuse to speak to you. The sheer embarrassment of being rejected at a public party is reason enough not to talk to him.

 

Why is this what you want for yourself? If he has any interest he'll initiate. But don't build it up in your mind and absolutely don't expect him to. He may still be very serious about avoiding you.

[Zapbasket]

In theory, that idea may seem benign, but, in reality, it would be so awkward. It would open up the door to so many things going wrong. What will likely happen is he would act nonchalant, like you are cool. No hard feelings. That would make me furious.

 

I'm so glad you weighed in on this because I figured with your situation, you'd have thought about this (i.e., ex encounters) a lot. Again, what you say is exactly it. Yes, I'd be furious if he could tell himself everything is "cool" and not have to sit with any notion that any of his actions may have been profoundly hurtful to me. I think the thing about people who live in denial generally (like our exes) is that they have no trouble bypassing their own capacity for empathy with prideful excuses for themselves. They take the easy route to feeling everything is "cool," unaware that in doing so they inflict yet more hurt and bafflement at their behavior than if they'd just bitten the bullet and apologized. If he'd just face me, and acknowledge that he knows he hurt and disappointed me, it would allow BOTH of us to put this more behind us. As it stands, the way I'm putting it behind me is by facing the unpleasant truth that he is not who I thought he was; that I gave him far more credit than he ever deserved. That process of acknowledgement hurts, because it confronts me with the falsity of my own perceptions.

 

The whole thing just sucks because there is no healthy channel to get relief--it's actually quite painful to have to acknowledge that someone to whom you gave your heart, and with whom you wanted to build a life, is a giant a*shat.

[Zapbasket]

The worst part is that his acting cool would be a best-case scenario. I think it's more likely that he would see you coming and leave, or ignore you, or refuse to speak to you. The sheer embarrassment of being rejected at a public party is reason enough not to talk to him.

 

In that scenario I think the embarrassment would be all his (if he were self-aware enough to realize how he comes across). Because on the outside, what it would look like is a pretty, lovely, smiley, energetic woman approaching and him rudely rebuffing her. Whenever we would go out together, people would tend to gravitate more toward me, because my demeanor is open, sincere, and caring, and his carriage is very insecure, insinuating, and trying-too-hard-to-be-charming. So HE would look like the dickhead in that scenario, not me. BRING IT ON.

 

Why is this what you want for yourself? If he has any interest he'll initiate. But don't build it up in your mind and absolutely don't expect him to. He may still be very serious about avoiding you.

 

"Bring it on," I said, but no, this isn't what I want for myself. Ideally, he won't go to this event, and I can be free to just relax and enjoy myself--something that will be a challenge if he is there, I'll admit. It will be very hard, and only because I'm a good "performer" in public will I get through without letting on how bothered I am. I'm sure I'd get back to my car and the tears would be overflowing.

 

I mean, don't you think, if indeed he is as serious about avoiding me as he was just a couple of months ago, that he'll find an excuse to leave if he sees me at the event?

[BC1980]

I'm so glad you weighed in on this because I figured with your situation, you'd have thought about this (i.e., ex encounters) a lot. Again, what you say is exactly it. Yes, I'd be furious if he could tell himself everything is "cool" and not have to sit with any notion that any of his actions may have been profoundly hurtful to me. I think the thing about people who live in denial generally (like our exes) is that they have no trouble bypassing their own capacity for empathy with prideful excuses for themselves. They take the easy route to feeling everything is "cool," unaware that in doing so they inflict yet more hurt and bafflement at their behavior than if they'd just bitten the bullet and apologized. If he'd just face me, and acknowledge that he knows he hurt and disappointed me, it would allow BOTH of us to put this more behind us. As it stands, the way I'm putting it behind me is by facing the unpleasant truth that he is not who I thought he was; that I gave him far more credit than he ever deserved. That process of acknowledgement hurts, because it confronts me with the falsity of my own perceptions.

 

The whole thing just sucks because there is no healthy channel to get relief--it's actually quite painful to have to acknowledge that someone to whom you gave your heart, and with whom you wanted to build a life, is a giant a*shat.

 

When I talked to my ex on the phone, I couldn't believe that he acted friendly. Like we were old friends who hadn't seen each other in awhile. Like everything was smoothed over. That was the worst case scenario for me because it devalued what I had experienced. He was trying to force his narrative onto me, which involves us being on good terms. I don't buy that. It's not fair to what I went through.

 

That is why I say don't speak to your ex. In a public place, you will be forced to swap pleasantries, and your relationship cannot be that with him. It's unfair to what you went through.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

"Bring it on," I said, but no, this isn't what I want for myself. Ideally, he won't go to this event, and I can be free to just relax and enjoy myself--something that will be a challenge if he is there, I'll admit. It will be very hard, and only because I'm a good "performer" in public will I get through without letting on how bothered I am. I'm sure I'd get back to my car and the tears would be overflowing.

 

I mean, don't you think, if indeed he is as serious about avoiding me as he was just a couple of months ago, that he'll find an excuse to leave if he sees me at the event?

 

It's certainly possible, but as you pointed out, no one wants to waste a ticket. He'll probably be there. On the other hand, if you really think there's any chance you would cry at the end of the night, I would strongly advise you to stay home. This event could be a huge setback in your healing process. Protect yourself.

[Zapbasket]

Did I say no one wants to waste a ticket? I thought I said that if I got there, saw his truck, and just felt I couldn't go through with it, it's not like this wasn't for a good cause and so I won't feel the $45 was wasted, even if I didn't attend.

 

I just don't see how someone who just a couple of months went to such lengths to avoid me would then gladly attend an event I'm attending. I deliberately registered through FB so that it would show up on my profile that I"m attending, in hopes it gives him second thoughts if he was considering going.

 

Yes, it will be upsetting. But the thing is, if not at this event, then some other time. I feel our luck has run out, and since he shows no sign of planning to leave town, then an encounter is inevitable. It will suck no matter where or when it is, because he just hurt me that much. He did, and that is nothing more than a fact. And the longer he has gone without any acknowledgement of what he did, the more egregious it is. I think the truth is that I won't be able to greet him, even were he to approach me.

 

Is it awful that sometimes I hope he just...dies, of a horrible illness?

[mr.blond]

My ex and I broke up on 8/23. We were together for 3.5 years. We immediately went NC, but then had one more email contact that ended with him ending the relationship for good on 10/13.

 

We have not spoken since.

 

This was a very confusing relationship for me, for many reasons. I kept having a gnawing instinct to leave much sooner than last year, but something held me back.

 

When we broke up, we were both in individual therapy. I have continued with it. I also got a new job, made some new contacts and friends, and achieved some athletic goals. I even have had some happy times, but since the breakup overall it has been a tremendous struggle. My therapy has revealed some issues and beyond the breakup, I have suffered much grief that my life is where it is at age 37, when I always was confident I'd be married with kids, happy, with a great career. There was a stretch this winter where I seriously questioned the value of continuing living.

 

Maybe it's because I have this month off from work and so have more down time; maybe it's because it's "off-season" in the resort town where I live and so no one is around; maybe it's because last week I discovered my ex on a dating site; maybe it's a combination of both. But I have been feeling very, very low about this breakup. Low, and still confused. Still. Sometimes I have clarity, but now the image of my ex with someone else--even LOOKING for someone else when his life was such a huge mess while we dated, there's NO WAY he got it sorted out over the past 9 months--throws me into a tailspin of insecurity and grief. I suppose I expected he would contact me, as he basically ran from our relationship. (He had started running some would say since the beginning, but certainly beginning last spring.)

 

I just feel like I should be further along in my coping. The breakup of a 5-year relationship that brought me to LS in 2007, I feel like I coped better after that one than I am coping now. I feel depleted, demoralized, abandoned, and still grief-stricken.

 

I'm still going to therapy and my therapist things that while I'm clearly struggling I am coping as well as can be expected. But I am not convinced and I don't know what to do. Outwardly I'm doing all the right things, and yet I still feel like this.

 

Can anyone relate? Do any of you have any suggestions? I really feel out of ideas at this point, save for just packing up and leaving town, which is not an option right now. Besides, I did that to cope with my 2007 break up, and I'd never advocate moving as a way of solving your issues. It feels exhilarating at first, but then the issues remain once the dust of the move has settled. At least that's what I've found. This is a very small town, though, and my ex lives just down the road from me, along with his whole family. So no matter what I do I feel like it's in my face all the time.

 

Just sooo tired of feeling like this.

 

 

I know.. Im probly dealing worse worse then you. I just suffered the greatest loss of my life. its been a month and the highs are the same but the lows keep gettin lower.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Sorry, I misread! But it's true that most people won't waste something they paid for, and you've already confirmed he's attending and knows you'll be there, so it's pretty certain he'll go.

 

He's probably confident he can go the whole time without any interaction. It is much easier to avoid someone at a party than outside when they're coming right at you. Remind yourself that his decision to attend the event has nothing to do with you, just as your decision to attend has nothing to do with him.

 

You keep saying that a confrontation is inevitable, but it's not. It's already been more than a year, right? If it hasn't happened yet then there's no reason to believe it ever will until one or both of you stop avoiding each other. I think you're hoping for some kind of encounter because you'll finally be interacting after being NC for so long. But there are only two possible outcomes:

 

1) he's completely over it and treats you coolly because he doesn't care anymore

2) he goes out of his way to avoid you because he doesn't want to deal with you anymore

 

Both of these sound so hurtful. Don't subject yourself to that. If you do attend the party, pretend he's dead. Seriously. Remind yourself that he isn't thinking about you, so why should you think about him?

[Zapbasket]

Sorry, I misread! But it's true that most people won't waste something they paid for, and you've already confirmed he's attending and knows you'll be there, so it's pretty certain he'll go.

 

I don't know for certain that he'll be going. He went last year; that's all I know. That's why I made sure to post that I was going, in case that could shake him from purchasing a ticket.

 

He's probably confident he can go the whole time without any interaction. It is much easier to avoid someone at a party than outside when they're coming right at you. Remind yourself that his decision to attend the event has nothing to do with you, just as your decision to attend has nothing to do with him.

 

But he knows me, and knows I'm more the "conclusive, confrontational" type, so on what basis would he have this confidence given he knows I am easily capable of having the balls to approach him, either to chew his dumb azz out or just say, "What's up?" I don't think he's indifferent--it's not out of "love" but out of "control"--if he goes, knowing I'll be there, it will be because he wants to enjoy the upper hand of appearing fine, jovial, etc. It's what he did while we were together, acting affable and outgoing in public, and then sullen and jerky with me. I'd call him out on it all the time.

 

You keep saying that a confrontation is inevitable, but it's not. It's already been more than a year, right? If it hasn't happened yet then there's no reason to believe it ever will until one or both of you stop avoiding each other. I think you're hoping for some kind of encounter because you'll finally be interacting after being NC for so long. But there are only two possible outcomes:

 

1) he's completely over it and treats you coolly because he doesn't care anymore

2) he goes out of his way to avoid you because he doesn't want to deal with you anymore

 

Both of these sound so hurtful. Don't subject yourself to that. If you do attend the party, pretend he's dead. Seriously. Remind yourself that he isn't thinking about you, so why should you think about him?

 

I hope you are right. I DON'T want a confrontation with him; I just don't want to have to avoid him, either. It takes energy to avoid, and that goes for everything. But if we're both here, expanding our social circles, and neither of us moves, then yes, an encounter is almost a promise. Unless he dies first...which frankly sometimes I wish on him. Sorry, but it's true.

[BC1980]

This is really interesting because we are in similar situations. It's unfortunate, but it is the reality (I get so sick of having to come to terms with the new reality). Anyway, I think it is inevitable that you will run into your ex at some point given how small the town is and the near misses so far. Same with me, but mine is related to working in the same hospital now. While we don't work together, we certainly work near one another.

 

It's a fine line to draw between putting energy into avoiding someone and doing so to protect yourself. I don't want to feel like I have to take different routes at work or be on a constant lookout for my ex. I feels that it's unfair and consumes energy that needs to be put into actually doing the job. All that energy also makes it relevant again. It puts focus onto him. It's basically created a never ending nightmare for me at times.

 

I think the best thing to do is come up with a plan for when you see him. Even if not at this event, it will happen. My plan has always been to, obviously, never initiate any conversation. Then, if he tried to talk to me, the plan was to tell him I would rather only speak about work related issues. I wasn't entirely successful when I picked up the phone. I think that was partly because I was so shocked, but the other part was that he acted so enthusiastic and nice on the phone. Once again, he made me feel guilty and uncharitable for not conversing with him like old friends. I basically stayed silent when, and it was kind of awkward. He told me to say HI to my family, and I didn't answer. So I guess that is a partial victory. Not sure.

 

I thin you should plan to do the same thing. If he tries to approach you, say something like, you don't wish to speak right now. Drawing a clear boundary up front is best. If it comes to it, you could say that you will be pleasant but feel no obligation to explain pleasantries or be friends. It's awkward and unfortunate, but I don't see another option.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

This sounds so condescending I want to kick myself, but honestly: GC, I'm worried about you. You came back from your trip sounding upbeat and ambivalent about any future interactions with K. It seems like this event has sent you into a tailspin.

 

You have decided that if he does go, it's because he wanted to prove a point to you, and if he doesn't go it's because he wants to avoid you. When I suggested he could probably attend the event without talking to you, you suggested he wouldn't because he knows you're confrontational. That's an extremely self-centered way of thinking when the reality is he is not thinking about you. He is not thinking about you when he makes decisions. You shouldn't think about him, either. And you absolutely should not have any idea what's going on in his life. Every little detail impedes your healing and keeps you hanging on to a time when you knew everything about what he said and did.

 

Don't confront him. If you do end up having to make small talk, it will probably feel awkward and upsetting. You don't need that. Focus on yourself and whatever it takes for you to feel better. "He is not thinking about me, so I won't think about him." Say it every day, a hundred times if you have to. Remind yourself you have a huge, wonderful life to live that has nothing to do with this dimwit. Every second spent on him is a second wasted. He is OUT of your life---out, gone, done, a non-factor. The only closure you will get is the closure you create in your mind. And in some ways that's the best closure of all, because it's completely under your control.

Edited November 8, 2014 by chimpanA-2-chimpanZ

[BC1980]

the reality is he is not thinking about you. He is not thinking about you when he makes decisions.

 

This times a thousand. When my ex came back to work, it proved to me how emotionally unaffected he was by the entire thing. Because I would never have considered working anywhere near him. The thought would have been ludicrous and incompatible with moving forward. You know, that hurts to admit even more than if he hated me. Because it means he has minimal emotion attached to me. What we had affects him very little, and it feels so unfair.

[Zapbasket]

This sounds so condescending I want to kick myself, but honestly: GC, I'm worried about you. You came back from your trip sounding upbeat and ambivalent about any future interactions with K. It seems like this event has sent you into a tailspin.

 

You have decided that if he does go, it's because he wanted to prove a point to you, and if he doesn't go it's because he wants to avoid you. When I suggested he could probably attend the event without talking to you, you suggested he wouldn't because he knows you're confrontational. That's an extremely self-centered way of thinking when the reality is he is not thinking about you. He is not thinking about you when he makes decisions. You shouldn't think about him, either. And you absolutely should not have any idea what's going on in his life. Every little detail impedes your healing and keeps you hanging on to a time when you knew everything about what he said and did.

 

Don't confront him. If you do end up having to make small talk, it will probably feel awkward and upsetting. You don't need that. Focus on yourself and whatever it takes for you to feel better. "He is not thinking about me, so I won't think about him." Say it every day, a hundred times if you have to. Remind yourself you have a huge, wonderful life to live that has nothing to do with this dimwit. Every second spent on him is a second wasted. He is OUT of your life---out, gone, done, a non-factor. The only closure you will get is the closure you create in your mind. And in some ways that's the best closure of all, because it's completely under your control.

 

The rest of your post is spot-on, but I have to respond to the bolded part because somehow my meaning got missed. I don't think he will GO to the event to prove a point, I think he is insecure enough that no, he will not be inwardly nonchalant that I'm there, even if OUTWARDLY he appears nonchalant. He is a very manipulative person and I know he will do his utmost to maintain the upper hand at this event. I think he WILL indeed be bothered that I'm there, not "bothered" the way I'd be bothered, but for him everything was a competition; he felt always that I was two steps ahead of him and frankly, yeah, I was: smarter, better looking, better personality, better educated, more accomplished, more adaptable, overall plain out more talented and more creative. And IT REALLY BOTHERED HIM, enough to sabotage our relationship to its miserable end. I don't think i'm being self-centered, but realistic based on my 3.5 years of experience with him. He's done stuff like this before, and he'll do it again. And if he feels he can't put on a front of how great his life is, etc., no, I don't think he'll go. He still lives at home with his mom, and is still working construction (which he hated and felt he was so much "better than"). He won't show if he has nothing to, well, show.

 

I have to deal with the possibility that he will both ignore me AND act like Mr. Suave Nice Guy. He did it when we worked together years ago; it's who he is; it's manipulative and he always KNEW it got to me, because he was never as nice to me as he was to strangers at parties, work, etc.

[lala2001]

how is everything GreenCove? I have to say these posts have helped me tremendously in my heartache... hope all is getting a little better each passing day.

[Zapbasket]

how is everything GreenCove? I have to say these posts have helped me tremendously in my heartache... hope all is getting a little better each passing day.

 

Thanks, Lala; I'm so glad this thread is helpful to someone. It certainly has been helpful to me and I'm so grateful for the thoughtful, heartfelt, wise comments people have left.

 

I feel all kinds of weird stuff. Enough time has passed now that I feel some emotional distance from the whole thing, as in, I'm used to him not being in my life and it no longer feels awful and tragic that I'm not "family" with his family. His mom and I have managed to forge a friendship out of this that is not clinging to the past, but mutually accepting this outcome and acknowledging a strong respect for each other even if we don't see each other or speak as often as we did in years past. I'm grateful for her demonstrated devotion to me and her honesty about how she feels about our breakup, and it has helped a lot with my healing and acceptance of the whole thing.

 

Have I fully reached acceptance? I don't know; it's never a black-and-white "arrival." I do feel I have reached a point, through work in therapy, where I know I deserve much more than I ever had in the relationship with K. I'm still very vulnerable in that my old beliefs about my self-worth still grip me at times (e.g., when someone treats me poorly it's somehow my "fault"; I'm "too much" and ask for "too much" emotionally; etc.). I recognize how these beliefs came about through my relationship with my mother, mainly, and I have distanced myself from my mother temporarily while I sort through this. It's painful to do, but necessary and I can only hope my mother understands.

 

But in the effort to be authentic and honest about where I am emotionally, I must admit that there still is a part of me that wants something from K. I want him to reach out to me. I wish he would say he is so sorry and he recognizes how he sabotaged our relationship and he misses me. I feel very sad at the fact that given who he demonstrated himself to be, it's highly unlikely he'll allow himself the vulnerability or manifest the self-awareness to reach out to me in that way. But as the time continues to pass with no contact, I feel my sadness turn more strongly to determination that never again will I let someone into my life and keep them there when they fail to treat me with respect and to participate in moving our relationship forward. My sense that this should not have happened, I realize, is 100% correct: I should never have let the relationship get to this point.

 

It' weird, because I can recognize on the one hand that I should have walked away from K in the first couple of months of our relationship (just take a look at my 2010 thread entitled, "Handling Teasing" for examples of what I mean), but then at the same time I miss him and wish this unpleasant outcome hadn't happened. I still spy on him on Facebook and when I pass by his apartment at the edge of the highway that is the main thruway where I live. I still feel relief knowing that he hasn't started dating yet, and dread at the thought of him in a new relationship. I still care. I still find myself wondering whether and when he will ever "hatch," though he shows no signs of really evolving from his stuck place. I still fear that maybe he is evolving tremendously, just in subtle ways I can't see from the distance of our silence.

 

He still has power over me, and I fight that, every day.

 

If he came back to me, would I take him back? Faced with that reality, I think I wouldn't. But that doesn't mean I don't "want" him. A woman in this support group I started attending weekly a few months ago pointed that out to me: that I still want him, no matter what I claim to the contrary. I acknowledge that, even while acknowledging a little more each day that quite possibly the person I "want" and wanted all along does not and did not exist, at least not in K. I was too invested in the potential than in what was right in front of me, and in so doing I think I may have fantasized "potential" where it really does not and will not exist.

 

More truth: he is in my thoughts every day, throughout the day. But when I see his name on Facebook, it feels as familiar as it now feels unfamiliar, if that makes sense. At times I can't imagine that I was ever with him, and yet at the same time it all feels deeply, deeply familiar. It's a weird kaleidoscope of feelings.

 

So that's my emotional "State of the Union." I'm trying to be as truthful as I can about what is swirling in my heart and mind. I'm going to an event on Thursday that he may attend, and I am nervous. I do not want to see him. I do not want to give him one more opportunity, ever, to dismiss me. Therefore, if he is there my plan is to avoid him, avoid eye contact, and not acknowledge him. Any other action feels dishonest and impossible, because he hurt me, and I still feel that hurt, and I can never be cordial while that hangs between us unaddressed. To be honest if he is there I don't think I will last the evening. It will just be too hard, especially if he brings a date. I am going alone. So if it gets to be too much, I am fine with the idea of just slipping out. I have nothing to prove. Of course what I fervently hope is that he won't attend and then I will be able to fully enjoy my evening. I plan to arrive early and park smack in front of the venue, so that if he does not want to encounter me, he can leave (which would be awesome). Wish me luck....

 

Hope you are doing well in your healing

[lala2001]

Good luck tonight! Either way, keep your head up because you are beautiful!!