Fear I am not progressing well in coping, 2

[Zapbasket]

Well, he wasn't there that night. My mom and best friend think it was because he knew I would be there (it showed up on my FB timeline that I was attending). I felt a combination of relief AND disappointment. There was a part of me that really wanted to force a break in the silence, no matter how much it would hurt. To MAKE him have to confront me.

 

I met someone yesterday by strange coincidence, in whom I am genuinely interested. He was clearly interested, as well, and we went out after meeting by chance on a hike and talked over tea for over four hours. I enjoyed it so much; I haven't felt this kind of connection with anyone--man or woman--in a long time.

 

As soon as we parted ways, I started crying. "I'm not ready to meet someone," I sobbed. "I want to hear something, anything, from K, please, anything." And by chance I checked his FB and saw that he had one less picture on there, and I looked, and it was the second of three pictures of me that he has on his FB, that is me in profile from a distance, in the woods, and he had a caption that read, "A beauty amongst beauty."

 

Why now? Why would he take it down now? He took one down last December, just before New Year's, that was of the two of us. Then these other two have stayed up, among his 30 total pictures (he doesn't post a lot on FB). And if he took that one down, why not the third one, as well?

 

I guess I'm asking what it means, because I'm contemplating just biting the bullet and contacting him. I know I thought of doing this before, and I didn't do it because I didn't think I could bear a negative response.

 

Now, I am thinking of doing it because I feel maybe I have to just put it out there, knowing the response could be negative or even that he wouldn't respond at all, so that I can begin to clear my heart for whatever is next for me in life. I am moving forward well in a lot of respects, but I do still love him, I do still wish for some opportunity to talk meaningfully with him, and I still feel very broken by how our relationship transpired and how it ended. And meeting this new man with whom I have so much in common and who really spurred feelings of attraction and interest made me realize how much my heart still is with K. If there really is no hope and no chance, then I really need to know, even if it kills me. I think maybe I'll be strong enough to handle the response, whatever it is.

 

My thought is that just because he took a picture of me down doesn't mean he has moved on or doesn't care. He friended two guys and his grandmother this past weekend, and maybe one of them asked who that woman was, and he was embarrassed he still had that photo up and took it down?

 

I could use some guidance.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

If I soaked myself with gasoline, lit myself on fire and ran screaming "NOOOOOOOO!" around your house for an hour, it would not sufficiently convey just how bad of an idea this is. DO NOT CONTACT HIM.

 

It is wrong for your mother and friend to make assumptions about his intentions. Maybe he was busy, maybe he had a date, maybe he didn't want to go out because who goes out on Thursdays, maybe he had a sick cat, whatever. Even if it was about you, how is that remotely flattering? "Sorry, I can't go because my crazy ex will be there and I don't think she'll be able to handle seeing me."

 

Who knows why he took that picture down? It probably is something similar to what you said. It could be a new girl friend of his asked a question and he deleted it before she could get the wrong idea. I do think it indicates that he's moved on, because the picture no longer had enough meaning to keep online. But it doesn't matter. You shouldn't be looking! Consider how much this little deletion has upset you. What is it besides unassailable proof that you should have blocked him on Facebook years ago? You shouldn't be tracking his new friends and photo albums; it just guarantees you'll never heal.

 

Block him right this instant and start talking to the new guy. You don't have to date if you don't feel ready, but at least enjoy the experience of connecting with someone again. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go buy some gasoline.

[BC1980]

GC, how much more rejection do you need to withstand? I had to ask myself the same question because I've been right where you are now. Please don't put yourself through anymore rejection because you don't deserve it. See this need to contact him for what it is. A knee jerk reaction caused by him taking down the picture on FB and spending time with another man that you genuinely like. I think it is entirely normal that both of those occurrences would case you to feel pain and want to contact K.

 

Be logical about this, and think it through. Try to put your emotions aside for now, and think about what would actually happen if you tried to contact K. What would you even say to him? How would you know if there was still a chance? Realistically, you would have to spend time with him to know that, and that is not likely to happen. Plus, he likely hasn't changed, so the relationship wouldn't work. I think you are stuck in the loop of wishing the relationship was something that it wasn't. I still wish that at times, so I understand the need.

 

I also definitely think it's time to defriend on FB. You have got to cut that link because you are not in the state to handle it. Most of us aren't. I certainly wouldn't be if my ex had FB. I think it would absolute torture to be friends with him on FB.

[BC1980]

My thought is that just because he took a picture of me down doesn't mean he has moved on or doesn't care. He friended two guys and his grandmother this past weekend, and maybe one of them asked who that woman was, and he was embarrassed he still had that photo up and took it down?

 

No, it definitely means he is moving even further away from your relationship with him. Back in May, my ex sent some stuff to my house in a box. Some really inconsequential stuff (a pair of flip flops, some books, and some book marks). For a few minutes, I wanted to think he was trying to send a feeler out to me. Then, I realized that he wanted to get rid of anything related to me.

[jphcbpa]

As soon as we parted ways, I started crying. "I'm not ready to meet someone," I sobbed. "I want to hear something, anything, from K, please, anything."

 

Big Hug!!!

 

I just felt this same thing last week. Went on a date with a person I was deeply aligned with. We met at a 1/2 way point between her house and mine. 5 min into the date I see my ex sitting at the bar. She saw me, called my name and I just waved and said "hey".

 

Made me realize I am not ready. My date could feel it too. It just is and there is not timeline on healing.

[Zapbasket]

No, it definitely means he is moving even further away from your relationship with him. Back in May, my ex sent some stuff to my house in a box. Some really inconsequential stuff (a pair of flip flops, some books, and some book marks). For a few minutes, I wanted to think he was trying to send a feeler out to me. Then, I realized that he wanted to get rid of anything related to me.

 

I guess I feel like the biggest rejection is his continued, steady silence. It's not a smack in the face, just a steady hurt, each day that passes and my life pulls me forward even while I fight it. So I guess part of me feels like I really could handle whatever rejection he might mete out in response to any communication I send him...because I'm anticipating that it will be exactly that: a rejection.

 

I guess I just wonder, if deleting that photo indicates he is moving yet further from my relationship with him, then why not have deleted that third and last photo? Or will that happen another 6 months from now? Why not just unfriend me?

 

I don't worry anymore about this still bugging me, because of course it would. it's what happens when someone just drops out of a relationship: it leaves the healthy person wondering, what the hell--because the healthy person wouldn't end a relationship that way. It's hard to take in the direction this is heading--that we will not be in each other's lives ever again. I know we ultimately won't even remain FB friends; I guess I'm just hanging on to that one last thing while I continue to orient myself to this reality. It really, really sucks and thank you all for understanding and sharing that you've been through it, too.

 

I go back and forth about communicating with him. A part of me thinks it would just be good for me to get my thoughts out, to say, hey, I thought there was more between us than all this, like you just walked away and never looked back when YOU were the one with the awful behavior, for which you took minimal responsibility, and only as you were exiting. I never thought you would leave things like this and for a long time I was certain I would hear from you and I have hurt so much over the fact that you clearly didn't care when all along it seemed like you did, deep down. I loved you and your family very much and the whole thing hurts so badly and I just wish we could have talked things out, and worked with our therapist together. But you bailed on that, too, adn I don't understaand.

[BC1980]

I guess I feel like the biggest rejection is his continued, steady silence. It's not a smack in the face, just a steady hurt, each day that passes and my life pulls me forward even while I fight it. So I guess part of me feels like I really could handle whatever rejection he might mete out in response to any communication I send him...because I'm anticipating that it will be exactly that: a rejection.

 

I guess I just wonder, if deleting that photo indicates he is moving yet further from my relationship with him, then why not have deleted that third and last photo? Or will that happen another 6 months from now? Why not just unfriend me?

 

I don't worry anymore about this still bugging me, because of course it would. it's what happens when someone just drops out of a relationship: it leaves the healthy person wondering, what the hell--because the healthy person wouldn't end a relationship that way. It's hard to take in the direction this is heading--that we will not be in each other's lives ever again. I know we ultimately won't even remain FB friends; I guess I'm just hanging on to that one last thing while I continue to orient myself to this reality. It really, really sucks and thank you all for understanding and sharing that you've been through it, too.

 

I go back and forth about communicating with him. A part of me thinks it would just be good for me to get my thoughts out, to say, hey, I thought there was more between us than all this, like you just walked away and never looked back when YOU were the one with the awful behavior, for which you took minimal responsibility, and only as you were exiting. I never thought you would leave things like this and for a long time I was certain I would hear from you and I have hurt so much over the fact that you clearly didn't care when all along it seemed like you did, deep down. I loved you and your family very much and the whole thing hurts so badly and I just wish we could have talked things out, and worked with our therapist together. But you bailed on that, too, adn I don't understaand.

 

I agree with the steady silence being particularly painful. It makes you realize that your ex gets up everyday and goes on with life. They are content moving further and further away from us. They don't care what is going on in our lives. They don't care if we meet someone else. They are likely not tempted to reach out. Receiving that box of very inconsequential stuff in the mail hurt more than I was willing to admit at the time. It was a message that said he wanted absolutely nothing to do with me and certainly wanted no interaction with me. Now, I do agree that what he did was appropriate because I would have done the same thing in his position.

 

Still, it makes me very sad that our relationship came to that. Two people who were supposed to grow old together, and, now, we both acknowledge that we want nothing more to do with one another. I guess it still devastates me in some ways. On a logical level, I understand that I deserve better and that his behavior was not acceptable on many occasions, not the least of which includes the cruel manner in which he dumped me. On a purely emotional level, I wonder how that can even happen. How can two people go from such an intimacy to such disconnect? On my worst days, I wish we were still together for the sole purpose of righting what I see as a reality that is incompatible with how I viewed life. The idea that one person can so fully detach from me when he claimed that he wanted to be my husband and seemed so happy at times.

 

You know, I've fantasized about saying my piece as well. Because through it all, I never said anything to him about how I truly felt with regards to his actions. I wish I had at the time, but I know he would have dismissed my thoughts. He would have thought, "poor girl, still hung up on me and blaming me for everything." Now, I just want nothing more to do with him. I saw him rounding a corner at work a few weeks ago, and I cringed at the thought that he might see me. Luckily, he was looking at his phone, so he never looked up to see me. But ugh. I mean, what else can I say? I feel that if I ever wanted to say my piece to him, he would immediately counteract all that I said with some excuse. Because that is what he did, during the relationship, on those rare occasions that I attempted to speak up.

 

I feel that the best course of action for you is to say your piece to us, friends, family, or write K a letter you will not send. Because I don't think that K even deserves to hear what you have to say. I truly don't. He won't appreciate it, and neither would my ex. Anything I said would go way over his head, and he would just continue on with life. I ended up writing my ex a letter with a format that I used from a book on getting over your breakup. It helped a lot. Doing so didn't completely quench my desire to tell him off, but I don't think anything ever will. I think that misguided want will always be there.

[Zapbasket]

BC1980, I want to reply SO MUCH MORE to what you said but right now I am at work. I'm so glad you (and others) can relate. Yesterday evening I just bawled my eyes out, for hours. And today I feel as though I could, as well.

 

I think I am truly, finally going to have to unfriend K on FB. I thought that at this point, given so much time had passed, any photos or other things of mine he had on his timeline, or I had on mine, were there to stay because it just didn't matter anymore. I thought our remaining FB friends represented some kind of tacit agreement that we could have this very distant connection regardless of whether we ever actually spoke again.

 

But when he took that photo down on Sunday, I thought, do I really need to stick around and wait for the third and final photo to come down? Or my comments on his pictures that I posted while we were still together? Or wait for him to unfriend me?

 

To say I deserve MUCH more than to be reduced to a photo that someone can just delete from their social media is a gross understatement.

 

Should I write him something saying, "I still care about you but I have to unfriend so that I can move on"?

[BC1980]

BC1980, I want to reply SO MUCH MORE to what you said but right now I am at work. I'm so glad you (and others) can relate. Yesterday evening I just bawled my eyes out, for hours. And today I feel as though I could, as well.

 

I think I am truly, finally going to have to unfriend K on FB. I thought that at this point, given so much time had passed, any photos or other things of mine he had on his timeline, or I had on mine, were there to stay because it just didn't matter anymore. I thought our remaining FB friends represented some kind of tacit agreement that we could have this very distant connection regardless of whether we ever actually spoke again.

 

But when he took that photo down on Sunday, I thought, do I really need to stick around and wait for the third and final photo to come down? Or my comments on his pictures that I posted while we were still together? Or wait for him to unfriend me?

 

To say I deserve MUCH more than to be reduced to a photo that someone can just delete from their social media is a gross understatement.

 

Should I write him something saying, "I still care about you but I have to unfriend so that I can move on"?

 

I don't think that you need to write him anything before you unfriend him, mainly because any contact opens you up to more hurt. You don't deserve anymore hurt because it's just not worth it anymore. If you messaged him, who knows if he would even respond, and, if he did, I'm sure what he said would be mechanical and, thus, hurtful. Honestly, I think that anything he says to you will open you up to experience more pain, and it's not fair to you.

 

Today, I was thinking about how nervous I would be if I saw my ex at work. You would think it wouldn't matter at this point, but the relationship and subsequent breakup were so traumatic and emotionally draining for me. There have definitely been times that I thought I could be cordial and exchange a few words with my ex. I've even considered writing him to say any number of things, ranging from "Don't speak to me at work" to "Hey, maybe we can call a truce." So I understand your line of reasoning, but I have never reached out. I never will. The biggest reason is that I could never give him any other opening to hurt me again. He drug me through the mud, jerked me around, and then proceeded to toss me out in the most cruel manner. No, I will never give him even one chance to hurt me again.

 

You do deserve to be more than a deleted photo on FB. I deserve to be more than some person my ex thinks he can be on good terms with, so he can walk away without guilt. I think staying FB friends will only open you up to more hurt. Eventually, all the pics will come down, he might unfriend you, or he might get a new girlfriend. No one wants a front row seat to that.

[Zapbasket]

I don't think that you need to write him anything before you unfriend him, mainly because any contact opens you up to more hurt. You don't deserve anymore hurt because it's just not worth it anymore. If you messaged him, who knows if he would even respond, and, if he did, I'm sure what he said would be mechanical and, thus, hurtful. Honestly, I think that anything he says to you will open you up to experience more pain, and it's not fair to you.

 

Today, I was thinking about how nervous I would be if I saw my ex at work. You would think it wouldn't matter at this point, but the relationship and subsequent breakup were so traumatic and emotionally draining for me. There have definitely been times that I thought I could be cordial and exchange a few words with my ex. I've even considered writing him to say any number of things, ranging from "Don't speak to me at work" to "Hey, maybe we can call a truce." So I understand your line of reasoning, but I have never reached out. I never will. The biggest reason is that I could never give him any other opening to hurt me again. He drug me through the mud, jerked me around, and then proceeded to toss me out in the most cruel manner. No, I will never give him even one chance to hurt me again.

 

You do deserve to be more than a deleted photo on FB. I deserve to be more than some person my ex thinks he can be on good terms with, so he can walk away without guilt. I think staying FB friends will only open you up to more hurt. Eventually, all the pics will come down, he might unfriend you, or he might get a new girlfriend. No one wants a front row seat to that.

 

It's so crazy how feelings and urges shift in me in a matter of hours and days. I had a therapy session on Wednesday and beforehand, I felt like I MUST contact K, like I should just put it all out there and let what happens, happen. I recognized the truth in your post, and identified with everything you said. And then I went to therapy, and learned some things about myself that strongly suggest if I didn't have the history I did (where I had emotionally remote parents, an abusive stepfather, and a biological father who abandoned me via suicide), I probably wouldn't be so invested in wanting K to reach out to me, and I certainly, when K failed to do so, wouldn't even THINK of swooping in and making the effort FOR him.

 

So that certainly put contacting K in a different light, and now that I've had a few days post-therapy-session to think about it, it seems like a bad idea because it just continues my pattern, of continuing to want people who don't want me.

 

How do I wean myself from the wish for contact from him, where he explains himself in as detailed and caring a way as possible? What works for you? Because I very much still wish for it; it would mean a lot.

[Lostdreams]

 

How do I wean myself from the wish for contact from him, where he explains himself in as detailed and caring a way as possible? What works for you? Because I very much still wish for it; it would mean a lot.

 

Hi GC,

 

I have that problem too - how to wean myself off the need for him to reach out, to say sorry and to acknowledge the tremendous hurt he caused me 5 months ago.

 

I reason with myself that he and I are in totally different places - He is totally oblivious to what is going on in my head and my needs, it never crosses his mind. When we broke up he was so much more prepared and already walking on a different path - sad for me - but very much his reality

 

I know that only I can influence how this affects me. It's hard but the truth is you and I have to change our own mindsets instead of wasting time and energy on worrying and pining for something that will simply never happen. We are not them and they will never have the same reasoning or consideration as we do...... now are we going to we hold our breathe waiting .... ?

 

I also think of him as being "dead" as in - the man I loved no longer exists and the man he has become offers no interest in my life. I don't ever want to be friends or to be even cordial towards him - I feel he just doesn't deserve it.

 

You met somebody new and you say you are interested. This experience also gave you a throwback to the past - I haven't completely closed the K chapter, how can I even go there ?

 

My advise is love yourself enough to give this new guy a chance, or a least don't deny yourself the opportunity of making a new meaningful relationship in your life. He may just become a good friend and nothing more..... but that's also okay.

 

My last way of dealing with this is telling myself the old YOLO because yes we only live once. How much of my energy and time do I want to waste on my has-been relationship instead of living the present and preparing my future? Only I can decide and control this, self-preservation is the key - learning lessons in life - growing and moving forward.

 

You are doing this progressively - I too attended therapy which helped me to interpret who I am and why I have certain reactions/emotions. This knowledge is power. This understanding must be built on to gain more fulfillment from life - this is how I see it. It's not a crime to put yourself first instead of only living and doing for others to feel that you truly exist and have a meaningful role. I think that was my biggest lesson

 

I still have down days don't get me wrong - it's still very painful - but the scars of life make us who we are. My scar is no longer a bleeding wound draining me - I've decided that I want to heal.

 

Now you have to unfriend him in FB immediately - you live in the same town so if he wanted to reach out ........ hell there was nothing easier. So accept that he won't and hit that button, please free yourself from this cyber ball and chain you've attached to your own foot and let yourself live. It's also part of healing.

 

The next thing I want to read on here is what is the new guy like and when are you seeing him again

 

More seriously you have a lot to offer - never doubt that and you truly deserve happiness - but you have to participate in making that happen for yourself.

Edited November 30, 2014 by Lostdreams

[BC1980]

How do I wean myself from the wish for contact from him, where he explains himself in as detailed and caring a way as possible? What works for you? Because I very much still wish for it; it would mean a lot.

 

Mainly, I don't expect it. Even if he were pushed into a corner, my ex would never explain what happened to my understanding, and he would certainly never apologize. I can't control what the thinks or does. It simply isn't possible, and that goes for any person in our lives. It would be so exhausting to expect so much of other people. To expect them to behave in the ways that I deem acceptable. I can only control my understanding of what happened and move on. In the months following the breakup, I was very much in the mode of needing to get an explanation from him. I think what differs in our cases is that I did get several "explanations" from him, so I realized, first hand, that he would never be able to explain things to me in a way that made sense. I saw how he truly had little remorse and was only concerned with how the breakup would be difficult on him. Remember that we were in contact for 4 months after the breakup.

 

Part of me wants to tell you to contact K because it will give you first hand knowledge that he can't fulfill your need to have everything explained and an apology. The problem is that you would be setting yourself up for even more hurt, so I want you to find a way to let this go without K's involvement. Why does it mean so much to you that he explain himself or apologize? Really and truly, how would it change things for you, and why is it that you feel you can't move forward without it? I think you need to understand the answers to those questions before you decided to contact him.

 

With my ex, he's just so emotionally dysfunctional that I could never even expect him to come up with any answers to those questions. I always knew there was something "off" with the way he related to other people, but time and distance made me realize how truly bad it was. So I grew to understand that I never could have expected him to show much remorse or apologize. Based on K's past behavior, do you think that he can give you what you want if you contact him?

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

How do I wean myself from the wish for contact from him, where he explains himself in as detailed and caring a way as possible? What works for you? Because I very much still wish for it; it would mean a lot.

 

Accept it will never happen. He will never, ever explain himself to your satisfaction and he most certainly won't do it in a caring way. Realize that any future contact from him will be hurtful at best and devastating at worst. Recognize that you can't tolerate that kind of pain anymore. See him as a source of pain that must be avoided for your own well-being. When you find yourself thinking of it, say "that will never happen", take a few deep breaths, and think of something else. I know it's hard, but you must accept that this explanation is never coming. Try to focus on your future.

[Zapbasket]

As usual, you guys give such incredible advice. It's all just spot-on. ChimpanA, I know I need to accept that he will never reach out...but I can't find my way to that acceptance. Something is blocking me majorly and I don't understand what it is. I wrote this letter to K, just as an exercise, no intention of ever sending it or sending a letter at all, just in hopes of sussing out what keeps me so attached to this wanting something from him, even after all this time. I'm sharing it here in hopes that you guys will relate to parts of it, and maybe you can help me through this tangle, too. I just can't see what is getting in my way when intellectually I "know" better. Help? Insights? Does any of this resonate with any of your experiences, and if so how did you work through it?

 

Dear K,

 

I have no pulse on what state of mind this note may find you. Maybe you still think of and miss me. Maybe you no longer feel any pain about our relationship ending, and don’t think of it much anymore. Maybe you never felt any pain, only relief. I have no idea, because I didn’t get to see any real feeling from you one way or another about our staying together or going our separate ways.

 

I’m writing you because I feel such remorse about how our relationship ended; I feel no sense of closure and a great deal of confusion about what it all meant; and I spent this whole year at various degrees of expecting / wishing / hoping you would reach out and what you would say would acknowledge that I mean, or meant, something to you and explain something about your state of mind. Instead, this now 13-month silence between us has left me bereft, like everything I thought was between us was only significant to me, or didn’t really exist at all.

 

I’m writing to you because I have spent so long wishing for something from you, and since it has not ever come, I’m taking action in an effort to resolve things for myself, though I suppose your silence really tells me everything I need to know.

 

I imagine we both understand, though perhaps differently, that our relationship was deeply dysfunctional. I was lost and broken and new to town when I entered our relationship, and when things continuously failed to pan out for me here socially and employment-wise, it made me more dependent upon you. I tried to take steps to resist it, but with no friends and a dearth of work and income and the resulting hurt and sense of not belonging, it became impossible not to lean on you and your family to provide me with the sense of belonging, safety and comfort that I wasn’t finding elsewhere. I think this loaded up our relationship with obligations and expectations that increased the pressure you said you felt…though after three years for me to be asking you about our future hardly seems unreasonable, unrealistic or unfair.

 

On your end, your mother was very, very gung-ho about our relationship succeeding and I think she inserted herself in a way that prevented our relationship from moving forward more organically. Which, I realize as I write, was perhaps that it would not have moved forward at all—that if your mom hadn’t gravitated to me as much as she did, you wouldn’t have involved me as much in your family goings-on, and you would have more easily been able to keep our relationship at a comfortable distance while you remained in the rut I know you would acknowledge you were in (and perhaps still are). Your mom worked to keep you engaged in our relationship when otherwise you might have drifted or stopped putting effort in altogether. And she worked to keep me from walking away from you by trying to convince me that I was oversensitive and there was nothing wrong with your behaviors. She offered your sisters as comparison points—how [sister 1] would get hurt or mad when you teased her, whereas [sister 2] would just brush it off and her indifference would give you no grist to egg it on. She also offered your dad’s abandonment of you as an excuse, and also as how you and I had a bond, in that we both were similarly abandoned.

 

Perhaps, without her involvement, this relationship would have fallen on its face with no legs of its own to stand on, and we’d have been looking at 2-3 months of time together rather than 3.5 years.

 

See, that’s the thing. I’m left wondering, even all these months later, whether there really was anything between us. I felt that you loved me, and [our therapist] said even recently he felt you loved me, as well. You always were available for me in that every day we saw each other, with rare exceptions, and whenever I called you or came by you always dropped what you were doing to spend time with me. Basically, you were always, without fail, glad to spend time with me. But your life was so empty while we were together—the time you had for me was not eked out of time for friends or even your family, or even for ambitions you were trying to achieve. Sometimes you bowed out of getting together with me so that you could work on your book, but that usually meshed well with time that I was busy working on mine and besides, I thoroughly supported you taking the time you needed to finish it.

 

So were you only with me and available, time-wise, to me because you had nothing else going on? Did you love me because I was “there” and as long as I asked for no change to the status quo you were happy with the arrangement? But then because I was always asking for more, for you to basically pull your head out of your ass and make some move forward into the future, you kept with your tendency to get under my skin because then it gave you a means to push me away?

 

I felt from the beginning that our relationship was problematic and not at all what I ultimately wanted, but I decided to be patient and besides, my life was not where I wanted it to be and I tried to take responsibility for that. I never gave up looking for work and friends and connections, some way, any way forward. I got frustrated because I did not see the same effort from you.

 

I’m left feeling that you may have loved me, and may even still love me, but you are perhaps wired in such a way that you won’t dare stick your neck out because to you attachment equates to certain abandonment. So, you remain detached, denying your own feelings to yourself. I feel like maybe your mom set this all up in an effort to “fix” you and you went along with it while also resenting her and me for it. It seems perhaps you were never invested, certainly not in me, not in us, and quite possibly not even in yourself. All of your behavior baffles me and I cannot relate to it, and that’s why I keep holding on to the hope that you will come forward with a clarity you never were previously capable of and explain yourself to me. I mean, if you could acknowledge, in your October 12, 2013 email and last communication to me, that “something, perhaps many things, are keeping me restrained. And to be true to me, and also you, I need to focus on myself,” then why would you quit therapy in the same breath? That put me in a tailspin because, well, honestly it gave me no feeling of control. You weren’t sharing in a therapy experience where I could imagine you working on your issues and perhaps coming to see the truth in so many things I said to you over the years, and that you fought me on always. And since you quit therapy I had no way of knowing whether you have been content to remain stuck this whole past year, or whether you truly have taken active, courageous steps to move forward. I have spied on you all year long in whatever ways I can to try to get some answers about your state of mind, because I am so stunned that you rejected me with not one glance back.

 

My issue is that I did and still do care about you. I did not and do not feel like cutting you out of my life with no glance back is the answer, even while I have to acknowledge that I took on far more than I should have in trying to single-handedly hold this relationship up. There were big problems manifested from the get-go and the relationship skewed me from the path I wanted, and the more skew there was, the more attached I became to getting back on track, by making YOU change. That was my big mistake, but frankly, I don’t feel I owe YOU an apology for it. I feel I owe myself an apology, for not having the courage to listen to my spot-on instincts and walking away no matter how lonely it made me out here.

 

I do feel sorry that you could also be surmising whether I’d have stayed in the relationship with you if my life here had come together more auspiciously in the beginning. But you know, you really don’t deserve an apology for it since it seems you kind-of took advantage of my vulnerable position, cutting me down to keep me attached to you rather than making a genuine and consistent effort to help make this relationship a five-star welcome to [this state in which you grew up] and all the things you love about it.

 

Why am I poking into your life after all this time, still trying to get something from you while at the same time expressing recognition that my liaison with you was never on par with the standards I hold for myself and the life I want? I don’t know. I don’t know why even now, in this letter, I am not firmly saying goodbye but rather trying to push open the door to good communication and honesty and caring with you. A door that you slammed in my face over a year ago.

 

I guess I just hate to think that two people’s time together could be such a negative experience, ultimately. I hate feeling that I failed. And even though intellectually I do strongly feel the failure lies much, much more with you than with me, I feel failure because I involved myself with you and spent my time yelling at you for not measuring up rather than freeing myself to find someone who did measure up. And since I have never held out for that, I don’t feel confident yet that my measuring stick is a fair one—and then, if it is unfair, is it unfair to the other person, or to myself? I honestly don’t know. What if I am a bitch, or unrealistic or unfair in what I expect?

 

I’m expecting you to answer that by finally measuring up, by seeking me out and showing me you care. You doing so would eliminate all my confusion. That’s unrealistic. And yet, somehow I can’t quash this desire, NEED, to get something from you, even now. The thing to do, I know, would be to not write you this letter, to unfriend you from FB and stop concerning myself with what you are up to, might be up to, and with whom, and how and when and where. I’m still obsessed with your life and I don’t understand why when another part of me knows it is irrelevant. You’re like an addiction and I don’t understand it. I don’t want you back but I want you. I can’t send you a letter asking you for something that I don’t even understand.

 

Maybe I feel just staggeringly hurt that you were and are seemingly so indifferent to me. I fought to try to keep you in my life, and you put up no fight whatsoever to keep me in yours. Even while we were together, you seemed to enjoy getting a rise out of me over sharing peace with me. And when we took that six-week break last year, I was baffled at how lackadaisical you were about the whole thing. You didn’t seem at all concerned that you might lose me. The threat of losing this relationship did not stir you to do one thing, yet you kept insisting that you wanted the relationship. Were you lying to me, knowingly? To yourself?

 

I’m tired of the albatross of all these unanswered questions. I want to move forward, and yet I still feel so deeply attached to you. And now, with the holidays and all the nostalgia and taking-stock that tends to happen for people around this time, I feel under pressure to unfriend you from FB before you do it to me. You just took another picture of me down from your profile and I don’t want to be sitting duck for your next move of removing me from your life. It’s time I be the one to take a decisive step, instead of waiting for you to give me what you never gave me and only ending up with yet more rejection. And yet, every time I hover over that unfriend button, I find it near impossible to do it, because I still want something from you and I fear if I cut you out I’ll never get it and I’m not sure I’m ready to face that.

 

This whole letter is the goodbye I’m not ready to say to you. It’s beseeching you for something so that I don’t have to face the emptiness that this whole relationship now represents, since you have not once indicated that it truly meant something to you.

[BC1980]

As usual, you guys give such incredible advice. It's all just spot-on. ChimpanA, I know I need to accept that he will never reach out...but I can't find my way to that acceptance. Something is blocking me majorly and I don't understand what it is. I wrote this letter to K, just as an exercise, no intention of ever sending it or sending a letter at all, just in hopes of sussing out what keeps me so attached to this wanting something from him, even after all this time. I'm sharing it here in hopes that you guys will relate to parts of it, and maybe you can help me through this tangle, too. I just can't see what is getting in my way when intellectually I "know" better. Help? Insights? Does any of this resonate with any of your experiences, and if so how did you work through it?

 

I think that humans are primarily driven by emotions, so don't be so hard on yourself when you say you should "know better." Logically, yes, many of us should have known better. When I look back at my relationship logically, I think how blind I must have been. The signs were there. It was so obvious that my ex was not fully committed, but I loved him deeply. I was driven by that love to see only the good, and there was a lot of good. There were a lot of really good times when we were very happy and when he made definite plans to marry me. He was the true definition of blowing hot and cold because he could be really darn convincing when he talked about marriage.

 

On a primal level, we want security, which often translates into love and acceptance. That's the kind of rejection you are dealing with when a relationship breaks up. Security is a base human need. Maybe you want him to reach out to you, so you don't have to face the reality of what the relationship was. I certainly experienced that feeling, and I certainly did not want to face reality. I'm glad you wrote the letter though. I also wrote a letter I did not send, which was very helpful for me. I kind of laughed at the idea until I did it and realized it helped me get my thoughts out there. It validated what I was feeling even if he would never see it.

[Zapbasket]

I think that humans are primarily driven by emotions, so don't be so hard on yourself when you say you should "know better." Logically, yes, many of us should have known better. When I look back at my relationship logically, I think how blind I must have been. The signs were there. It was so obvious that my ex was not fully committed, but I loved him deeply. I was driven by that love to see only the good, and there was a lot of good. There were a lot of really good times when we were very happy and when he made definite plans to marry me. He was the true definition of blowing hot and cold because he could be really darn convincing when he talked about marriage.

 

That's the thing: you never really know which way someone will go. Sometimes we ourselves don't know. We might be sending one kind of message, when really our hearts are writing a different message. Maybe the "blindness" we had was simply part of the risk taken in loving another human being. I say I am a person of solid character and integrity...but sometimes, I DON'T act with integrity, and I act in poor character. I guess where the character and integrity come in is that most if not all the time I try to right things when I act poorly, after some introspection into why I behaved that way. But it takes a long time to see that in action in another person, and even in ourselves.

 

In your case, BC1980, I get the sense even your ex didn't know his own mind and heart. I don't think mine did, either. It's all just justifications, excuses, and finger-pointing while they continue to refuse to really know themselves.

 

On a primal level, we want security, which often translates into love and acceptance. That's the kind of rejection you are dealing with when a relationship breaks up. Security is a base human need. Maybe you want him to reach out to you, so you don't have to face the reality of what the relationship was. I certainly experienced that feeling, and I certainly did not want to face reality. I'm glad you wrote the letter though. I also wrote a letter I did not send, which was very helpful for me. I kind of laughed at the idea until I did it and realized it helped me get my thoughts out there. It validated what I was feeling even if he would never see it.

 

That's the thing: I don't know what the reality really was. I never really knew what was in his heart, if anything. I'm just not sure how on earth to move past this yearning for him, to hear from him. A person with whom I had a bit of a falling out a year ago just reached out to me, and even though I was much, much less invested in this person than with K., hearing from him felt like such a relief and validation. Relief, because it opened the door for us to talk about what happened (we're meeting for coffee on Tuesday); validation, because after all this time, he still cares enough to at least try. No matter what the outcome of our conversation Tuesday, the fact that we both were willing to meet just frees up things emotionally for me. I don't even care whether we resume our friendship; I'm just glad for this opportunity to clear the air and perhaps gain some clarity--into myself, into him, and into the potential this liaison has, or doesn't have.

 

Since I don't know how to move past this yearning for contact from K., and I'm not quite ready to hit the "unfriend" button on FB even though I'm terrified he'll beat me to it, I'm trying to do other things instead. Today, for instance, I bought a new comforter and duvet and sheets for my bed. When I go to sleep tonight it will be in linens that no man's body has touched, that no failed relationship has soiled with tears and...other bodily fluids. I can't wait to get under those fresh covers and know that they are ALL MINE! I'm trying to free myself psychically in whatever way I can.

[whichwayisup]

Somehow you have to make peace with this. You'll never really know the answers to your questions and not letting go, hoping he'll contact you, hoping he misses you, hoping and waiting is preventing you from really grieving and letting go, feel the loss, accept things, forgive yourself and him so you can be free of it all and at peace so you can move on. 13 months is a long time to still be overly thinking about it all.

 

Read articles on baggage reclaim.

[Zapbasket]

Somehow you have to make peace with this. You'll never really know the answers to your questions and not letting go, hoping he'll contact you, hoping he misses you, hoping and waiting is preventing you from really grieving and letting go, feel the loss, accept things, forgive yourself and him so you can be free of it all and at peace so you can move on. 13 months is a long time to still be overly thinking about it all.

 

Read articles on baggage reclaim.

 

That's exactly what I"m saying. The question is HOW. HOW do I make peace. I don't care whether it's been 3 months, 13, or 23--the process is the proces, and I definitely am moving forward in a process. I want to make peace with it, but I don't know HOW. Partly, perhaps, because I don't yet fully understand what, exactly, it is that I'm still wanting from him.

 

Baggage Reclaim is great; it helped me see that I need to hold out for much more in my relationships, and hold stronger boundaries.

[whichwayisup]

That's exactly what I"m saying. The question is HOW. HOW do I make peace. I don't care whether it's been 3 months, 13, or 23--the process is the proces, and I definitely am moving forward in a process. I want to make peace with it, but I don't know HOW. Partly, perhaps, because I don't yet fully understand what, exactly, it is that I'm still wanting from him.

 

Baggage Reclaim is great; it helped me see that I need to hold out for much more in my relationships, and hold stronger boundaries.

 

You train yourself NOT care anymore. You do your absolute best to stop thinking and analyzing every single moment with him. You focus on your friends, volunteer, get busy living life again.

 

Wanna get mad? Picture this. 13 months he's still very much in your head. He hasn't thought of you once. You don't exist to him anymore because he's moved on, living his life. *maybe he is or maybe he isn't with the above, but I hope it makes you stop and think. He hasn't reached out so that says something. You're wasting your precious time and energy on him and he's not even IN your life anymore! Green, have you gone to counseling? CBT? If not, it's time. You need happiness and peace now and a therapist can really help you learn the process of accepting things and moving on, she/he can teach you coping skills and help you let go, help you make your own closure. I would hate to read in another year from now you're still where you are now.

 

You also have to decide that you've had enough of it all and are sick and tired of feeling blah, feeling and wondering and focusing on him.

[Zapbasket]

You train yourself NOT care anymore. You do your absolute best to stop thinking and analyzing every single moment with him. You focus on your friends, volunteer, get busy living life again.

 

Am doing all those things, so well I could win a f*cking prize in it. And yes, as I have mentioned all throughout this thread, I have been in therapy since a month before K and I broke up. What I write here is part of a very deep process of healing things that precede K and my relationship with him. I have a pattern of yearning after people who have rejected me and I'm working hard to understand WHY. I'm well past the Captain Obvious urging me to "get over it," "accept it," etc. No sh*t. I hate when people tell someone who is grieving that they have to just accept things, as though "acceptance" is a light switch that can be flipped on or off. It is a PROCESS that is as individual as the person undergoing it. The relationship with K is a tool that helps me understand why people who reject me have more "valence" to me than people who don't, but that's where I'm stuck.

 

Logically I know K doesn't hold a candle to what I want and deserve. I know he's not capable of giving me the explanation I want. You'd think that understanding these things would lead to "acceptance." But there is some trauma I relive every time I am rejected, that overrides my logical mind. It's from this that I am trying to free myself, but I'm finding it harder than I seem to be capable of at the moment, and I am trying to undersatnd WHY.

 

I would hate to read in another year from now you're still where you are now.

 

Well, you won't, because I have already come so far. It doesn't have to be something someone recognizes in my LS posts, and anyway it doesn't sound like you've even read them (which is fine; I just think it's condescending for you or anyone else to think YOU have some view of anyone's process on this board and can say they're not moving forward. I think I am kicking ASS overall; frankly, I am very proud of how far I have come this year, and how many obstacles I have overcome).

 

You also have to decide that you've had enough of it all and are sick and tired of feeling blah, feeling and wondering and focusing on him.

 

Have you even read my previous posts, just even the most recent ones? That is exactly what I am saying.

 

Do you have any specific advice for how to get to a place where you truly wish for nothing from a person who left you? Not the generic, no-sh*t-Sherlock "accept it," but actual advice.

[whichwayisup]

Sorry, I won't reply to your thread anymore. I touched a nerve by trying to help and said the wrong things.

 

And no I didn't read the whole thread, it's 35 pages long.

 

Take care.

[Zapbasket]

Every day, I'm doing better--I've even made some new friends, finally--but I need to come here to give voice to this wistfulness that has intensified as the holidays approach, this ache over what was lost and this yearning for K to decide he must reach out to me.

 

This while at the same time recognizing more clearly each day how unrealistic it ever was to expect that K would behave in a way that would move the relationship forward and nurture a healthy bond. He was lost and erratic in his emotional responsiveness to our relationship, and consequently I was always confused about where I stood. This, in turn, made me lean even more into the relationship, trying to make up for what he wasn't doing, or trying to make him do what he'd neglected to do.

 

It's just so hard for me to accept that anyone could be so incapable of real, sustained emotional connection, especially in full adulthood (we're in our late 30s). I can't understand it because you have this basically decent guy, one whom people generally find likeable, and then when you try to develop an intimate connection with him, there's simply no "there there." It's so hard to accept that three and a half years of my life with this person really had nothing to it, no grist or glue...and it's even harder to accept that I spent all that time convincing myself that his crumbs were a loaves because, after all, his crumbs seemed heartfelt, it's just that they were, well, crumbs. It's all such a tremendous mind-fu*k.

 

I recognize all this; I type it out here on LS...and still there is that yearning in my heart. While out running the other day I said to myself, "If I'm totally honest, the thing I want most for Christmas is for K to reach out meaningfully to me."

 

Why are hearts sometimes so slow to learn?

 

Why are there so many emotionally unavailable people in the world, and why do they always appear perfectly normal on the outside, but then you get closer and realize their whole machinery for intimacy is just...absent? It's torture for people who genuinely seek an emotional connection with someone. We can't understand it and the hurt at the hands of people like this is like nothing else.

 

I just wanted to post this in the spirit of honesty which was the whole intent of this thread, in case others can relate.

[BC1980]

Every day, I'm doing better--I've even made some new friends, finally--but I need to come here to give voice to this wistfulness that has intensified as the holidays approach, this ache over what was lost and this yearning for K to decide he must reach out to me.

 

I recognize all this; I type it out here on LS...and still there is that yearning in my heart. While out running the other day I said to myself, "If I'm totally honest, the thing I want most for Christmas is for K to reach out meaningfully to me."

 

Why are hearts sometimes so slow to learn?

 

GC, I truly wish I had more answers. I'm so glad that you come here just to vent at times because I know that by just reading your posts, I don't feel so alone. For all the times I have been hard on you, I have felt exactly as you have. Our hearts don't care about logic. I think that human beings are mostly emotional, and we truly do make our decisions based on emotion. Not some of the time. Most of the time. I don't know if that is good or bad. In matters of the heart, it seems to end up bad for most of us. I know it has for me when I look back at all of my relationships. I wish I knew, for a fact, that I would act differently when the time again comes to step out into the dating world, but I don't.

 

I have moved on from asking WHY, which is a blessing. I think that particular part of my breakup was easier to move on from (than yours) because I did get the opportunity (if you can call it that) to talk with my ex several times about the reasons for the relationship ending. It was like hitting a stone wall and very frustrating. He kept repeating that it didn't feel "right" and he had been trying for "a long time" in hopes that his feelings would change. I realized pretty quickly that any further communication with him would be a dead end, which was a blessing in many ways. I was only left with myself to figure out WHY, and I guess that process got stale quickly. The truth is that the answers had been there all along, but I was too blinded by emotion to take it seriously.

 

I have been so disinterested in Christmas this year. Add Thanksgiving and my birthday to that list as well. I'll admit I've never been that big on Christmas, but this year has hit an all time low. I just get disgusted with the commercialization of Christmas every year. I guess it's also more difficult because my ex's son is no longer in the picture. He was really the only reason I was interested in Christmas in recent years.

[BC1980]

This while at the same time recognizing more clearly each day how unrealistic it ever was to expect that K would behave in a way that would move the relationship forward and nurture a healthy bond. He was lost and erratic in his emotional responsiveness to our relationship, and consequently I was always confused about where I stood. This, in turn, made me lean even more into the relationship, trying to make up for what he wasn't doing, or trying to make him do what he'd neglected to do.

 

It's just so hard for me to accept that anyone could be so incapable of real, sustained emotional connection, especially in full adulthood (we're in our late 30s). I can't understand it because you have this basically decent guy, one whom people generally find likeable, and then when you try to develop an intimate connection with him, there's simply no "there there." It's so hard to accept that three and a half years of my life with this person really had nothing to it, no grist or glue...and it's even harder to accept that I spent all that time convincing myself that his crumbs were a loaves because, after all, his crumbs seemed heartfelt, it's just that they were, well, crumbs. It's all such a tremendous mind-fu*k

 

My pattern has been exactly the same. I think I must have some codependent tendencies because I'm always trying to be the caretaker and make up for what the other person lacks in the relationship. I think having terrible boundaries goes hand in hand with all of that. Something interesting happened me a few days ago at work. I stated an opinion on something, a pretty strong opinion, and one of my coworkers said that in 2 years, this was the first time he had known of me to state a strong opinion on anything. It was eye opening for me. I'm always trying to place peacemaker, trying not to rock the boat, trying to be laid back and not hurt anyone's feelings. So much so that people aren't even aware that I hold opinions of my own.

 

With your ex not being able to sustain a relationship, do you think that he has simply dealt with trauma differently than us. Did you mention that his dad abandoned the family? My ex's mom abandoned the family, and his step-mom was verbally abusive throughout childhood. His father was/is a downright bully. I know you have mentioned that your father committed suicide, and possibly you dealt with the trauma by wanting acceptance from others. I didn't deal with a death as a child, but I was very much not accepted by my mother. We had a very contentious and volatile relationships for many years, and she was very hard on me. I grew up thinking that something was inherently wrong with me and that I needed to change in some way to make myself acceptable to earn another human being's love. I dealt with that by becoming almost chameleon like in relationships. I could change anything about myself in an attempt to get my partner to accept me. These problems were what sent me to therapy in college.

 

My ex seems to have dealt with trauma by compartmentalizing all the traumas he has dealt with. He's extremely good at it and in a lot of denial. I think he pulls far away from any real connection. He has no friends he confides in but has many acquaintances. He keeps people at arms length. I guess it all created the perfect storm, and I wanted to try to save him.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

I think more people have emotional difficulties than not. It just depends on how we choose to carry them.

 

My parents raised my sisters and I as well as anyone could ever ask. We were well-behaved, thoughtful, literate, academically successful, gifted with musical instruments, languages, art, science, etc. We were the envy of all the other parents in the neighborhood. What the rest of the neighborhood didn't know was that we were also emotionally stunted. My parents are both brilliant people, but they aren't good at expressing their feelings, and so they had no idea how to teach their children about healthy emotional expression. It's not that we had to hide our feelings, we just couldn't understand them or talk about them. At all.

 

As adults my sisters and I have battled anorexia, depression, and anxiety. When I went to a therapist as an adult she commented that I had the most extreme somatoform disorders of any functioning adult she'd ever seen. It's not that I invent illnesses; I'm just so incapable of processing my feelings that my brain registers them as physical ailments like colds and fevers. During three periods of severe depression I went mute. I hated myself and wanted desperately to change. Many years of anguish, frustration, and therapy bills later, I'm a lot better, but still have a long way to go.

 

I don't think I'm too broken to be in a healthy relationship or achieve true intimacy. I told my Worst Ex over and over that I was slow to trust and to please be careful with my feelings. Despite promising me the moon, he didn't cope with his own emotional problems. He broke up with me while crying about how he was a horrible person who'd spend years missing me. It didn't take me that long to get over him, but I'll be the first to admit that I'm not over that utter mindf-ck. I'm very much a work in progress. But aren't we all?

 

My current boyfriend was cheated on by his former fiancee. It's really colored his view of relationships since, to the point where he once believed he just wasn't a good enough person to be happy. When we first started dating we talked at length about our various issues and if we could be healthy for each other. Luckily he's so expressive about his own doubts and failings that it makes me so much more comfortable with mine. He says things like "I'm feeling terrible and I know it's residual guilt over XYZ" or "well, that's just my own pettiness clouding my judgment." We are able to talk through everything, which I think is a very good sign, even though I don't often say more than "I...feel...(two minutes later) sad. I think."

 

I think maintaining a good emotional state requires far more work than we're willing to admit. I don't want to say that there's an inverse correlation between intelligence and emotional health, but it sure seems like it's easier to be happy when you aren't really intellectually engaged. It could be because people who think more are more aware of problems and worst-case scenarios, and that awareness makes people unhappy. I'm not sure. I am sure that we have to be responsible for our own well-being, and trying our best to be just a little bit better every day.

Edited December 13, 2014 by chimpanA-2-chimpanZ