Fear I am not progressing well in coping, 2

[nolanola]

My pattern has been exactly the same. I think I must have some codependent tendencies because I'm always trying to be the caretaker and make up for what the other person lacks in the relationship. I think having terrible boundaries goes hand in hand with all of that. Something interesting happened me a few days ago at work. I stated an opinion on something, a pretty strong opinion, and one of my coworkers said that in 2 years, this was the first time he had known of me to state a strong opinion on anything. It was eye opening for me. I'm always trying to place peacemaker, trying not to rock the boat, trying to be laid back and not hurt anyone's feelings. So much so that people aren't even aware that I hold opinions of my own.

 

With your ex not being able to sustain a relationship, do you think that he has simply dealt with trauma differently than us. Did you mention that his dad abandoned the family? My ex's mom abandoned the family, and his step-mom was verbally abusive throughout childhood. His father was/is a downright bully. I know you have mentioned that your father committed suicide, and possibly you dealt with the trauma by wanting acceptance from others. I didn't deal with a death as a child, but I was very much not accepted by my mother. We had a very contentious and volatile relationships for many years, and she was very hard on me. I grew up thinking that something was inherently wrong with me and that I needed to change in some way to make myself acceptable to earn another human being's love. I dealt with that by becoming almost chameleon like in relationships. I could change anything about myself in an attempt to get my partner to accept me. These problems were what sent me to therapy in college.

 

My ex seems to have dealt with trauma by compartmentalizing all the traumas he has dealt with. He's extremely good at it and in a lot of denial. I think he pulls far away from any real connection. He has no friends he confides in but has many acquaintances. He keeps people at arms length. I guess it all created the perfect storm, and I wanted to try to save him.

I've been reading through this thread and it really speaks to me. I have a lot of issues with boundaries and people pleasing, all that stuff. When I got away from my last relationship, I thought maybe I had "fixed" everything. I had gone NC to get away from him and we did not speak for 4 years. In that time, I didn't really date. I met a few people, went out with some of them, but didn't feel any connection and certainly didn't feel motivated to get into a relationship. My heart wasn't in it.

Earlier this year, I reconnected with a man that I had known for some time and he started expressing some interest. I was a bit wary at first, but I liked him, so I reciprocated and we began dating. About a month ago, he basically told me he wasn't ready to have a serious relationship with anyone as he is a fairly recently divorced father of 2 young boys. All of the work that I thought I had done for myself now seems to have crumbled and I find myself in a low, low place. I don't have good boundaries with him because I want so badly for him to reconsider and to want to be with me. He contacts me, although it has become less over the past few weeks, and I can't seem to stop. Yesterday, I was missing him and sent him a text. When I didn't hear back from him right away, I almost had a melt down. I cried at work, which is something I never do. I feel like I am back at square one.

GreenCove, I think you and I have a lot in common. I am 38 and worry that I will never have a family and children. It scares me to death and I know that probably isn't helping. I want so badly to feel better and to finally figure out why I am having all these issues. When I got involved with my new guy, all of the issues that I had with the old guy came roaring back: trust issues when the new guy had been nothing but honest, etc. I worry I sabotaged myself.

I think it is a very good thing that you are working through all these things. I hope you will find some peace. Your posts help me to see that I'm not the only one that struggles and I'm sure many others feel this too.

[Zapbasket]

First of all, belated (?) Happy Birthday! I hope you were surrounded by people in your life who love you, and I hope you were able, truly, to celebrate YOU, even if in quiet, internal ways.

 

I'm so glad that you come here just to vent at times because I know that by just reading your posts, I don't feel so alone.

 

Thank you; this gives me courage to keep posting, and to admit even the hard stuff, that I'm not proud of. If doing so can make just one person feel less alone or less bad about their feelings, then it's so worth it, beyond the benefit to me in just getting it out there. It's all too emotionally intense to keep bottled up.

 

And I can't tell you how much I appreciate your postings, too; they, also, make me feel less alone.

 

I wish I knew, for a fact, that I would act differently when the time again comes to step out into the dating world, but I don't.

 

That's my big fear, too. I don't feel like my heart can handle another big mistake. Little mistakes, I realize, are inevitable. But big, dramatic, baffling mistakes in choice of partner, boundaries, etc. I simply don't feel I have the wherewithal to deal with again.

 

I guess the thing is, though, that we can't expect to change our behavior overnight, in one big leap. The changes occur one decision at a time, each one better and more clear-headed than the one before it. Have you ever read, "Autobiography in Five Short Chapters"? If not, Google it. I think you, and others on this thread, will identify with it strongly, like I did. Eventually, you pick a different street...but not the first time.

[Zapbasket]

My pattern has been exactly the same. I think I must have some codependent tendencies because I'm always trying to be the caretaker and make up for what the other person lacks in the relationship. I think having terrible boundaries goes hand in hand with all of that. Something interesting happened me a few days ago at work. I stated an opinion on something, a pretty strong opinion, and one of my coworkers said that in 2 years, this was the first time he had known of me to state a strong opinion on anything. It was eye opening for me. I'm always trying to place peacemaker, trying not to rock the boat, trying to be laid back and not hurt anyone's feelings. So much so that people aren't even aware that I hold opinions of my own.

 

I really identify with this, especially the bolded. I always have felt responsible for other people's feelings. So that if I were to express a strong opinion, and it upset the other person, then I would feel like it was my job to placate them. I realized I needed to be less worried about creating discomfort by expressing an honest opinion--if someone doesn't like what I say or thinks it is unfair, then they can say so; it's not my job to smooth it all over in anticipation of their upset or disapproval. Also: we can't learn if we don't express our opinions and be open to being challenged on them. I try to practice this every day at work, in hopes of changing my habits.

 

With your ex not being able to sustain a relationship, do you think that he has simply dealt with trauma differently than us. Did you mention that his dad abandoned the family? My ex's mom abandoned the family, and his step-mom was verbally abusive throughout childhood. His father was/is a downright bully. I know you have mentioned that your father committed suicide, and possibly you dealt with the trauma by wanting acceptance from others. I didn't deal with a death as a child, but I was very much not accepted by my mother. We had a very contentious and volatile relationships for many years, and she was very hard on me. I grew up thinking that something was inherently wrong with me and that I needed to change in some way to make myself acceptable to earn another human being's love. I dealt with that by becoming almost chameleon like in relationships. I could change anything about myself in an attempt to get my partner to accept me. These problems were what sent me to therapy in college.

 

My ex seems to have dealt with trauma by compartmentalizing all the traumas he has dealt with. He's extremely good at it and in a lot of denial. I think he pulls far away from any real connection. He has no friends he confides in but has many acquaintances. He keeps people at arms length. I guess it all created the perfect storm, and I wanted to try to save him.

 

This was well-put and I identify very much with your end of it, from your relationship with your mother to your experience of your ex. But no, I don't think either of our exes have "simply" dealt with trauma "differently than us." I think that is far too charitable, frankly. I mean, yes, they have dealt differently with the challenges meted out to them in life than we have...but the crucial difference is that we actively seek insight into ourselves with hopes of growing and improving as human beings while they are content to continue telling the same story about themselves, that exonerates them from any responsibility over how their lives take shape and how they treat others. The crucial difference, in other words, is that they have poorer character than we do.

[ruhrohcd]

But no, I don't think either of our exes have "simply" dealt with trauma "differently than us." I think that is far too charitable, frankly. I mean, yes, they have dealt differently with the challenges meted out to them in life than we have...but the crucial difference is that we actively seek insight into ourselves with hopes of growing and improving as human beings while they are content to continue telling the same story about themselves, that exonerates them from any responsibility over how their lives take shape and how they treat others. The crucial difference, in other words, is that they have poorer character than we do.

 

Okay, so when did you meet my ex who walked out on me with no notice after 5 years? You've described her perfectly. Throughout our relationship I was in therapy and taking antidepressants to try and get healthier. I always had a self-help book or blog that I read daily. But she consistently criticized my efforts as never enough. Given that depression tells us lies, I believed her because I already felt that everything was my fault.

 

She never read anything regarding self-help. She ended up walking out on me just as she did her last several partners; obviously a red flag in hindsight, but she was very convincing that how she felt about me was different.

 

She told me that all I wanted to do was play video games. She said that she wanted a real partner. She said that I didn't do enough housework. She said that I took her for granted.

 

A year before she left me we decided that she would quit work entirely to be a part-time nursing student. So, I worked to support us along with whatever wasn't covered for her son's child support. She waited until our savings were low, left me, and while I was still spinning from the surprise dumping she went to the bank and took out a third of what was remaining. Two days later I got a call from a rental agent asking for a reference for my ex to rent an apartment. I was still doing the pick-me dance, so of course I gave a sterling recommendation in the hopes that if I was nice enough she'd come back. Oh, and after 5 years as the closest thing to a real father her son has ever had, I didn't even get a goodbye. She claimed she was going to have him give me a call sometime, but I told her not to bother. That was four months ago.

[Zapbasket]

I've had pretty decent holidays, for the most part...but I've been struggling with whether or not to contact K. I thought I'd put this to rest long, long ago, because I'd always felt that after the way he broke up with me, it really would have to come from him if we were ever to have any contact again.

 

But then, on Christmas day, of all days, I was at my job on a mountain, hiking to access this ski trail, and I heard someone call my name. I turned, and there was my friend L., with whom I'd not spoken for a year, because of a misunderstanding involving a text I sent that he never received, leaving him thinking I'd blown him off, and me thinking the same about him. Over the course of the year, especially because of my work in therapy regarding K., I edited my opinion of my friend L. to "jerky older narcissistic man who just wanted to get into my pants" from "nice, thoughtful, caring friend L." So, though we'd established a few weeks ago over the phone that he had never received my text last year, etc., I still felt a little chilly toward him. But since it was Christmas, I said, "Sure," when he suggested we ski down this long trail together.

 

And then, on the long chair lift ride, he wasted no time turning to me and saying he was so sorry; that he really cared about me and was so sad and confused that we weren't speaking anymore; that he was admittedly also very attracted to me and spent the whole year thinking maybe he was too suggestive towards me and that was why I'd blown him off, etc. His apology held no ego or pride, just a sincere communication of regret and recognition of his responsibility in our rift.

 

It touched me so much to hear such an honest, caring apology that I threw up the chair lift bar, scooted over next to him, and gave him a huge hug while bursting into tears. "Thank you, L.," I said, "You just made my whole Christmas and it means so much."

 

And then later, on reflection, I realized I felt a huge weight lifted from my heart, because even though I'd been preoccupied all year with grieving K., I also felt sad about the situation between L. and me. I felt grateful to be shaken out of the bad opinion I'd drilled myself into developing of L., and grateful that with a) face-to-face contact (even if by chance) and b) open, honest, mature discussion, we were able to reestablish a connection.I mean, here I'd spent the whole year wondering and then thinking badly of L., when if I'd just put my ego and pride aside right after it all happened, we wouldn't have had such a long rift.

 

So of course, that got me thinking about K., my ex. It got me wondering whether a bridge could be built--not getting back together, necessarily--but where we could communicate again and just see where it leads. It got me thinking that maybe both of us, in different ways and for perhaps different reasons, are reinforcing the silence between us due to misplaced pride and ego. It got me wondering whether maybe he'd even be GLAD for an opportunity to break the ice.

 

I know for my part that even while I more and more clearly recognize how he wasn't particularly optimal as a boyfriend, I still care about him a lot. I still miss him and I hate that things turned out the way they did.

 

So would there be harm in reaching out to him to tell him exactly that? Not that he wasn't optimal as a boyfriend, but the rest of it. And that I was still deeply hurt that he just slinked out of the relationship, wouldn't communicate with me face to face, and has never looked back in nearly a year and a half.

 

I mean, after all, what if my friend L. and I had never had that encounter? I'd still be thinking he was a jerk and he'd be thinking I was crazy and we'd still not be speaking; we'd still be depriving ourselves of what has shown itself to be a good liaison, overall.

 

Is there any possibility that, if I wrote K. a letter, he would be glad, and want to take the opportunity to speak with me? Or is that just fantasy-land thinking?

[BC1980]

Be careful GC. I don't think you can equate your relationships with L and K. There might be similarities, but the emotional intimacy you shared with K makes things very different than the relationship with L. Also important is that L reached out to you (albeit in a sorta fluky way), and he initiated the apology, ect. K could easily reach out and apologize if he wanted to. It would probably be easier for him to reach out to you than L, but K has chosen to remain silent.

 

GC, I truly don't think that K is all that bothered by how you feel (and I know that is a terribly awful idea to come to terms with). Based on what you've written here, it seems clear that K feels little remorse. It seems that K doesn't possess the emotional depth that you do (or that most people do). I think you are projecting how you would feel onto K because you are very empathetic and in tune with your feelings and the feelings of others. You are very concerned with your actions and reactions. K doesn't seem concerned at all. GC, I truly don't think the ball is in your court. I don't think you would get much at all from K if you contacted him because I don't think he's that deep. I think he would likely be annoyed if you sent him an emotional email. By that, I simply mean any type of email with any feeling in it whatsoever. K made it clear in the relationship and with his last email that he was not open to any type of deeper communication with you.

 

Sending warm thoughts (because I know exactly how you feel).

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Opportunity is the key word here. Unlike L, K has had many opportunities to contact you. The recent party he knew you were attending is a perfect example. He could have sought you out to talk. He didn't. He could email, Facebook PM, or even just text you something as lame as "Happy New Year!". He hasn't.

 

I hope your new year is very blessed and you grow comfortable with knowing K is part of your (increasingly distant) past, light years behind the wonderful person you are today.

[Zapbasket]

I know you guys are both right in everything you say. I've put contacting him on the back burner again. The whole interaction with L presented a catharsis of sorts, albeit one that was displaced from the true, desired source of catharsis, a.k.a. K. It rattled me, moved me, and shook open that Pandora's box of hope and the feeling that I could do something to change the outcome a bit.

 

Now I'm back to feeling that writing him would do nothing but boost his ego, but it wouldn't change his feeling about me or the relationship we had, and nor especially would it make him take a deep look at himself and how he treated me. It wouldn't make him yearn to connect with me because if he had that yearning in the first place, he wouldn't let this much time go by without contact. I know you both are right in pointing out that he has had plenty of opportunity to contact me and yet he has not. And let's say that sometimes, K has wanted to contact me but hasn't because he's afraid of rejection or afraid that I've moved on and don't want to hear from him, well, that means he still values his ego over taking a risk of being vulnerable with me. The shift he'd have to make for any communication between us to have any value whatsoever is for him to be willing to be vulnerable, to admit his fault first to himself, and grow comfortable with that, and then with me, and risk doing that.

 

I highly doubt he has done any real self-reckoning regarding his behavior in our relationship, or even in his life in general. No doubt he has made some minor changes; no doubt he has managed to enjoy himself more than he did; but without that willingness to really face himself, he will basically remain in the same place emotionally, which unfortunately is a place that excludes me (and a place I don't want to share with him, anyway).

 

But, GOD, IT HURTS. It hurts to see all that time amount to sh*t. It hurts that he lives right here down the road from me and the relationship had such a bizarre, unhealthy end.

 

And BC1980, I read about your recent developments/discovery and I still feel like I don't really have any answers except that the jig was up: he was going to have to do SOMETHING rather than just coast in his life and in the relationship, and he just decided to quit rather than make any effort. And what hurts is that I can just imagine that he tells himself he DID put in a lot of effort.

 

I guess the lesson is, there's just no reckoning to be had with someone so in denial about themselves as he was and is.

 

But for me, the wish that causes such pain is, won't he ever wake up? I'm not waiting for it, but I know that in the next year or two my life will take another big shift and I hate that this is how it all was left. I really cared about him and his family and him and him and him and I just hate that this creepy, unhealthy, immature outcome is my reality that I can do nothing about, even though I am NOT creepy, unhealthy or immature. Those were HIS. I know I have developed far past ever putting up with such a relationship as I had with him again. But that development, ironically, hasn't stopped me wanting him. Strange, no?

[BC1980]

And BC1980, I read about your recent developments/discovery and I still feel like I don't really have any answers except that the jig was up: he was going to have to do SOMETHING rather than just coast in his life and in the relationship, and he just decided to quit rather than make any effort. And what hurts is that I can just imagine that he tells himself he DID put in a lot of effort.

 

I guess the lesson is, there's just no reckoning to be had with someone so in denial about themselves as he was and is.

 

But for me, the wish that causes such pain is, won't he ever wake up? I'm not waiting for it, but I know that in the next year or two my life will take another big shift and I hate that this is how it all was left. I really cared about him and his family and him and him and him and I just hate that this creepy, unhealthy, immature outcome is my reality that I can do nothing about, even though I am NOT creepy, unhealthy or immature. Those were HIS. I know I have developed far past ever putting up with such a relationship as I had with him again. But that development, ironically, hasn't stopped me wanting him. Strange, no?

 

Honestly, the answers are a double edged sword. Now, I know what an absolute POS he really is. There is no doubt at all. On the other hand, I've now got to go through another gauntlet of emotions. Hopefully, this round will be shorter and more simple. I'm not grieving him anymore and have no desire to be with him. I'm coming to terms with the lies and manipulation. I guess all of those special times didn't mean as much to him as to me. It's not like that's something new, but it still hurts. To realize that you thought it was something it never was.

 

The wanting him might be the part of you that wants to be "good enough" for him. To prove yourself to him. That was my major downfall with my ex. That was how he roped me into his web. I had such low self-esteem that I wanted to prove myself worthy of his commitment. I'm not saying that is why you still want him, but it might be something to think about.

[Zapbasket]

Okay. I'm doing a lot better, though it takes conscious effort to keep moving forward. I work every day, every moment, to build positive experiences into my life, and positive relationships and interactions. At my job, I work with a lot of very nice people, and I feed off of that. While I do feel very underutilized in my job, and majorly overqualified, I try not to focus on that and instead take every opportunity the job offers to learn and grow. But:

 

In the winter time, my administrative desk is shared with an old c*nt (she's 72) of a woman who works the weekends so that my desk is filled 7 days a week. She has been in this role for 17 years and is a real pill. Everyone knows it, but my boss caters to her, drinking a glass of wine with her at the end of the day, congratulating her every little menial accomplishment when meanwhile I do so much more. Anyway, she is very blatantly rude to me, and spends the weekends complaining about me to other co-workers. Everyone laughs it off, and says they know she's a pill, but in the state I've been in where I've quietly been trying to rebuild myself, I feel vulnerable to any negativity coming at me from outside. Yesterday I stopped by the office to pick up a package left for me, and this woman was so rude to me, and in front of our boss who said and did nothing, that I decided to put a stop to it. I wrote this to her:

 

It's unfortunate we don't work face to face because this communication would be preferable that way, but since we don't and I don't want this to go unaddressed any longer, email must suffice.

 

When I approached your desk yesterday afternoon to inquire about a package left for me, your response was so extraordinarily rude that I almost took you to task for it then and there, but I thought it best to sit on it before responding. Additionally, someone was sitting in the office waiting for their ___ passes and it was embarrassing--and impolite--enough that he should have had to hear how you spoke to me. And so, now, my response:

 

The way you speak to me, both in person and often in your notes left for me, is unacceptable and incommensurate with a professional work environment. Additionally, it is common knowledge that you freely complain about me while at work, both to our coworkers and to ___ employees who come to our desk for service. Perhaps no one has ever challenged you on this sour behavior in the past, but it absolutely does not fly with me and I request that it stop immediately. I know that you can manage to speak to me with respect, both in person and in written communication, and I ask that you mobilize that ability for the remainder of the time that we work together.

 

I see no reason why the two of us cannot resolve this issue without involving anyone else, and so I have not mentioned it to anyone, nor have I mentioned my intention to take care of it. I do know, from many years of successful professional experience in a variety of settings, that no employee is required to quietly tolerate the kind of blatant rudeness you exhibit towards me, and in front of others, to boot. Let's please let it stop here.

 

Thank you,

But now I'm just feeling overwhelmed again. I really NEED to surround myself with positive energy so that I can keep making progress. She's mean and my boss will not cross her for some reason I cannot possibly understand (because I'd have fired her nasty self long ago), and I feel like I just don't have the energy to show up to her constant unpleasantness.

 

How best to cope with this? Everyone has been telling me how she bad-mouths me all weekend long, and I really don't think it's fair, even though they all say they know how she is. Why can't anyone stand up to her on my behalf? How do I deal with this so that work doesn't become a miserable place to be every day?

[Zapbasket]

Today is the first day off I've had in a long time, and I'm feeling really overwhelmed in a way I haven't for some months. In addition to the work thing I described above, last night I went on a date and once again was reminded that I am not yet healed enough or where I want to get to in my life enough to get involved with anyone. I agreed to the date because I feel it's important I be open to new people and experiences, and new men in my life, but I know deep down that I'm just not in a place where I want to be seeing anyone except as friends. But knowing that intellectually and FEELING the scabs and wounds on my heart when I sit at dinner with a guy who thinks there might be a chance--having that hurt stare me in the face--are two very different things.

 

I'm feeling negatively about my job right now and feeling so far from where I want my life to be, and it's making me feel the "injustice" of the loss of K and the exhaustion of relationships not working out and I just feel like crying my eyes out, which I did last night after my date. I cried because I realized my heart is still broken despite having made so many strides forward even in the past couple of months.

 

Sometimes I feel like I'm never going to overcome this, like I'm never going to get to a better life. I'm doing everything I can, and yet, it all still hurts so very much, I don't even have the words to describe exactly what it is that I'm feeling.

[BC1980]

Today is the first day off I've had in a long time, and I'm feeling really overwhelmed in a way I haven't for some months. In addition to the work thing I described above, last night I went on a date and once again was reminded that I am not yet healed enough or where I want to get to in my life enough to get involved with anyone. I agreed to the date because I feel it's important I be open to new people and experiences, and new men in my life, but I know deep down that I'm just not in a place where I want to be seeing anyone except as friends. But knowing that intellectually and FEELING the scabs and wounds on my heart when I sit at dinner with a guy who thinks there might be a chance--having that hurt stare me in the face--are two very different things.

 

I'm feeling negatively about my job right now and feeling so far from where I want my life to be, and it's making me feel the "injustice" of the loss of K and the exhaustion of relationships not working out and I just feel like crying my eyes out, which I did last night after my date. I cried because I realized my heart is still broken despite having made so many strides forward even in the past couple of months.

 

Sometimes I feel like I'm never going to overcome this, like I'm never going to get to a better life. I'm doing everything I can, and yet, it all still hurts so very much, I don't even have the words to describe exactly what it is that I'm feeling.

 

GC, I'm empathizing with you. I think that one of the most important lessons that came out of my breakup is that life is a journey, not a destination. I know that is a famous quote, but it is so true. Most of my life I've been trying to get to some finish line, thinking that once I got "there," I could finally be happy. GC, that is the wrong mindset because you can never get "there." The target is always moving. With my ex, I took the idea of life being a destination and thought that once we finally got married, I could have it all. The husband, the child, the career, the house, the family.

 

Just know that you are taking steps to move forward, even when it seems they are small steps. You will understand and reap the benefit of all of this work in time. You are kind, smart, funny, and you deserve so much more than K could give you. Your last paragraph. Wow. I know that feeling exactly. These past few months have been the first time I have been able to push past those feelings though, and I know you will get there too.

[ruhrohcd]

GC, this stranger's thoughts are with you as well. I'm facing the same struggle and appreciate your posts. You capture the feeling in words so much better than I can express it.

[Zapbasket]

GC, I'm empathizing with you. I think that one of the most important lessons that came out of my breakup is that life is a journey, not a destination. I know that is a famous quote, but it is so true. Most of my life I've been trying to get to some finish line, thinking that once I got "there," I could finally be happy. GC, that is the wrong mindset because you can never get "there." The target is always moving. With my ex, I took the idea of life being a destination and thought that once we finally got married, I could have it all. The husband, the child, the career, the house, the family.

 

Just know that you are taking steps to move forward, even when it seems they are small steps. You will understand and reap the benefit of all of this work in time. You are kind, smart, funny, and you deserve so much more than K could give you. Your last paragraph. Wow. I know that feeling exactly. These past few months have been the first time I have been able to push past those feelings though, and I know you will get there too.

 

Thanks, BC1980. It's good to have the reminder of "journey versus destination" because it IS true. I just feel that over the past numerous years now, the journey has been quite difficult. I've always been an optimistic person; my whole life everywhere I've been people always comment on my positive attitude. I do try very hard these days to keep a positive attitude and to cultivate positivity around me, but there's this voice now that keeps saying, "But it's NOT good right now. You should NOT be happy with this."

 

I'm still taking the Lexapro; I had committed to 6 months of it and it's going on five now. So I have that; I'm exercising; I'm taking time each day to quietly meditate; I'm cultivating new friendships and keeping up old ones that make me feel good. I honestly think the way I've felt yesterday and today is due to going on that date. Dating makes me feel bad. It's a reminder of how far I still have to go in my healing. It makes me recognize how much I'm hurting, STILL. I should have known that since this relationship was so hard to get out of despite my feeling I should get out of it almost from the get-go, recovering from it and all it stirred up in me psychologically would take a lot of time and effort. I just yearn to feel happy again, and like my life truly is going somewhere. That interaction with my b*tchy co-worker just brought me down the more because it burst the bubble that my job is really where I want and need to be.

 

I'm thinking of leaving work early today to take a "mental health day." I need to get my mind in order, maybe go somewhere quiet or get a massage or something.

[Zapbasket]

GC, this stranger's thoughts are with you as well. I'm facing the same struggle and appreciate your posts. You capture the feeling in words so much better than I can express it.

 

Hi Ruhrohcd, I'm so glad this thread is helpful to you. I know I tend to write long posts, but it really helps me to state clearly and honestly exactly what I'm feeling throughout this process, so that I can see how far I've come, and so that I can be realistic with myself about where I really am, in order to stay as "grounded" as possible. Knowing it helps others, and that others can relate, is very validating. I think when we go through things like this, we end up feeling very alone, as though everyone else around us is doing great and passing us by. But we're not alone, not at all. It's too bad there's not a "Breakups Anonymous" (BA, like "AA") or "My Life Sucks Anonymous" (MLSA) group in all our neighborhoods that we can attend whenever we need to. Because no doubt there would always be attendees, because all around us people are hurting and struggling, and feeling alone.

[Zapbasket]

I just went for a long drive to sort out my mind a bit. Feeling down and am questioning where I really am in this whole process.

 

I mentioned that I feel, still, like I have more healing to do before I'm ready to date. I still feel messed up inside in some way I can't quite name, and I recognized that fact acutely while sitting across from my date at dinner on Saturday. I feel he, and another guy I've gone on a couple of dates with, are coming to me all interested and open and I'm preoccupied--curious, but feeling very clear within myself that I need to keep focusing on myself and not getting romantically involved with anyone yet. It's approaching the point where I am going to have to tell these guys that, in order to manage their expectations and not hit them with a big disappointment down the line.

 

As I drove tonight, I asked myself what exactly it is that hasn't "healed." Could I just not be interested in these two guys? Or is it really the truth that I am still broken inside? But if the latter is the truth, then why am I still hurting? K has not been in my life at all for one year and three months now. We have not once spoken or encountered one another (except passing by each other in our respective vehicles) at all during this long stretch of time. The relationship with K is over and I understand why it needed to end if nothing was going to change, and I know K had no interest in working to change. I know I am better off not in that relationship, because it was not going to lead to the kind of secure partnership that makes for a good marriage, not as things were. Even though, I'll admit, I do keep tabs on K on FB and when I drive by his apartment on the highway and see his light on, shining over the road, he feels like a stranger to me. I don't really know at all what he could be up to these days. I don't know who he is hanging out with; I still don't think he has a girlfriend or is seeing anyone but really, what do I know?

 

My life has gone forward for over a year now without him in it. So what am I mourning anymore? I'm really asking. I couldn't come up with any answers on my own, during my drive or even sitting here, sharing my feelings and thoughts.

 

Broken trust. Maybe that's what I'm mourning. I no longer feel trust that there is someone out there who will be as interested in and devoted to me as I am to them. I feel like relationships in general are just one big crapshoot. After all, who knows? If I met someone with whom I really, truly felt a connection, would I really feel like I'm not ready to be dating? I fear the answer may be "yes" because maybe the whole process of forming relationships is irrational. Random and with outcomes of which you can never be certain, no matter how good a judge of character you may think yourself to be or how carefully you heed red flags. I remember that when I first met K, he seemed genuinely interested in me and in what I had to say and share of my experience in a way my date on Saturday did not. Yet look how the relationship with K turned out. I don't have any idea, I feel, how to judge whether a man is worth investing in and seeing where things lead, and I find myself wishing that all men would just leave me be, and just be interested in being my friend rather than being all attracted to me and hoping for something from me that I don't feel I can give, because _____? I don't know why.

 

Can anyone who made it through this slog of a post relate to any of it?

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

I don't think it's anything so abstract. I think you're still mourning your relationship with K, specifically, and his absence from your life. I think you still feel angry and disappointed that he ended the relationship in a way that seems gutless to you. You want him to recognize the injustice of the situation, you want him to acknowledge how much he wounded you, you want him to put things right or at least try. He has no inclination to do any of these things and I think that's what you're struggling with---knowing he has no desire to contact you ever again.

 

There is a concept in therapy called "radical self-acceptance" that may be useful to you. It's incredibly difficult, especially when you're hurting, but it's so important. If you can accept where you are today you can start building a bridge to a better place.

[Zapbasket]

Now it's the middle of the night, and I woke up with the thought that this amorphous stage of grief, where the breakup happened a while ago and you're back into a life routine but you recognize that you still feel sadness over the breakup and you do still think about your ex every day, is the most dangerous because its power is more insidious. For example:

 

With my 2007 ex, who angrily ended the relationship and threw all the blame onto me and then told me never to contact me and he never wanted to see or speak to me again, it was my first breakup and so I had no idea what to expect in its aftermath. I felt terrible for most of 2007 but near the end I thought I was moving forward, and by early 2008 I met someone else. I got involved with him, moved across the country to be with him by summer 2008, and that decision and its aftermath took me YEARS--YEARS!!!!--to slog through. It certainly didn't help that it all took place in the midst of a terrible recession and that having moved away I had no support network in place. I never realized just how screwed up my decision-making was during that time; I didn't realize then that that guy, Jonathan, was merely a rebound and I didn't really love him. I lied to myself so artfully because I so wanted to believe I had "moved on" from my 2007 ex, when really I was so tangled in the grief and confusion over the cruel and abrupt and final way he severed things that basically it ended up ruining my life for a number of years.

 

So THAT'S how badly unacknowledged hurt and grief can screw you over in the aftermath of a breakup.

 

The difference between this breakup with K and the one with my 2007 ex is that instead of fleeing to a new place in hopes of killing hope of a reconciliation, I've stayed put until I feel reasonably confident my head is clear to make a good decision regarding my future. Also, I have been in regular therapy for over a year now and plan to stay until I feel I've really turned a new leaf in the FOO issues that have affected my choices in romantic partners and relationships in general.

 

But...what if this breakup f*cks with my head the way the one in 2007 did?

 

I'm so scared of the lingering effects of this hurt and grief and loss because it really got me in a deep way, this breakup. I'm scared that maybe I'm damaged to the point that I can't get into a solid, healthy relationship with a solid, healthy man. I'm afraid that perhaps my choices in men to date have ruined my life. I'm afraid that perhaps my heart is ruined.

[BC1980]

GC, how often do you look at him on FB? I'm still wondering if that foothold in your life is affecting you. Possibly, you are still hanging onto reconciliation, in some form (friends even?), and FB fuels it. What doe being FB with him represent to you?

[Zapbasket]

I don't think it's anything so abstract. I think you're still mourning your relationship with K, specifically, and his absence from your life. I think you still feel angry and disappointed that he ended the relationship in a way that seems gutless to you. You want him to recognize the injustice of the situation, you want him to acknowledge how much he wounded you, you want him to put things right or at least try. He has no inclination to do any of these things and I think that's what you're struggling with---knowing he has no desire to contact you ever again.

 

This resonated with me as quite true. This IS what I still struggle with; it IS what still lingers for me. It's the source, as well, of the lack of trust in relationships that I feel. I thought he cared; I FELT he cared; and yet I cannot reconcile his behavior with that feeling. His behavior screams the opposite. I don't want to waste time in relationships with people who don't care about the connection as much as I do, who can let it go without, well, a care.

 

There is a concept in therapy called "radical self-acceptance" that may be useful to you. It's incredibly difficult, especially when you're hurting, but it's so important. If you can accept where you are today you can start building a bridge to a better place.

 

I think I know, but can you say a bit about what in your first paragraph led to recommending this in your second paragraph? And, any good books to recommend?

[sober and dry]

I thought he cared; I FELT he cared; and yet I cannot reconcile his behavior with that feeling. His behavior screams the opposite.

We all can think about anything and paint it in any color we want.

Feel we all feel many things and in different way.

But what we do is what it's and it talks much more than what we think or feel. So the key is, we can think and feel as much as we want but in the end it will be the actions that determinate what it really is/was.

[BC1980]

GC, here's something that I had to learn to accept, and it's not easy. It's downright disheartening, but it's the truth. Sometimes, people stop caring, or at least it waxes and wanes. K cared at some point, just like my ex. But they stopped caring somewhere along the line. Unfortunately, they stopped caring before we did. I don't have any words if comfort regarding that reality, but I wish I did. Truly, it's not a very comforting thought, but it's the way things work. Emotions are so d@mn fickle. It's not fair, but it's just the way it is. Please know thet he did care at some point. Take comfort in that.

[Zapbasket]

GC, how often do you look at him on FB? I'm still wondering if that foothold in your life is affecting you. Possibly, you are still hanging onto reconciliation, in some form (friends even?), and FB fuels it. What doe being FB with him represent to you?

 

It's my terrible secret habit: I check on him daily. Please no one come down hard on me for this because I know all too well that it's not ideal. But I've just decided to accept it's where I am even while it sits uncomfortably inside me, like something hard poking me in the ribs.

 

I know social media connections are BS but I guess I am intrigued that he has not unfriended me. I know there is nothing to read into that, perhaps, but nevertheless it provides a hat on which I can hang a little wishful thinking, which perhaps I'm not quite ready to dispense with yet. Being "friends" with him on FB gives me the the only "tie" to him that I have. A "friendship" and a "tie" that, I realize, means nothing, but like a bird alighting on the tiniest ice floe in a melting Arctic sea just to have a place to rest, so have I rested all the history, all the feelings good and bad, all of it that I shared with K, on that pin-point-sized ice floe that is a Facebook friendship.

 

Yep, it's not the best thing to do. No doubt it stalls my healing. Yes, recognizing this I should do something about it.

 

This is hard for me to admit, so please don't be hard on me, anyone.

[Zapbasket]

I think I'm in another wave of grief & realization in this whole Overcoming My Breakup process. Today, I have been thinking about my relationships with men. After elementary school, where I had more boy friends than girl friends as I was a bit of a tomboy, I really didn't have any good guy friends, neither in regular school, nor in the music festivals I attended as a student every summer growing up. My first real guy friend was S., whom I met when I was 21 and he was 37. And this was the start of a pattern, where I have always enjoyed the friendship of older guys. The thing is, though, that these guys are never established or mentor figures in any way. All of them are majorly stuck in their lives in various ways: my friend L, in his late 50s, was an alcoholic until about 7 years ago, to provide just one example. I am smarter and better educated than all of them, and much less stuck and more adventurous and they admire me for it. I enjoy their admiration but on some fundamental level I don't 100% respect them. But all of them are generally good to me.

 

So I can't say they're "father figures," though my early experience with my father and step-dad should make me ripe for any of the myriad "daddy issues." But nor are they straight-up equal friendships: I hang out with them only one on one; I don't participate in their social circles nor do they in mine. Why do I choose these relationships? Is it because I feel safe with them knowing I'm "better" than they are?

 

What I really want right now is one good male friend, who is around my age and with whom there might be some sexual tension but we both are more comfortable pursuing a friendship with each other--a real, equal friendship--than pursuing a romance. I've never had that before and perhaps this has led to my having errant expectations about men and the relationships I've had with them. I'm beginning to recognize how these "friendships" with older men really are questionable and perhaps not healthy at all. I mean, what am I REALLY getting out of these friendships?

 

Anyway, just thinking aloud and wondering as always whether anyone can relate. I'm beginning to realize that I really know nothing about men, how to be around them, anything. I don't think I come off at all as someone who doesn't know how to be around men...but then again I don't have any good male friendships to show for it, either.

[Zapbasket]

GC, here's something that I had to learn to accept, and it's not easy. It's downright disheartening, but it's the truth. Sometimes, people stop caring, or at least it waxes and wanes. K cared at some point, just like my ex. But they stopped caring somewhere along the line. Unfortunately, they stopped caring before we did. I don't have any words if comfort regarding that reality, but I wish I did. Truly, it's not a very comforting thought, but it's the way things work. Emotions are so d@mn fickle. It's not fair, but it's just the way it is. Please know thet he did care at some point. Take comfort in that.

 

I think a few months ago I might have pushed back at you on this. Now, I can only say, "Yes, true." Our human relationships generally are fickle. Who really knows who will betray us down the line. This is why I feel a certain fear now, that I didn't feel before. Whom can you trust? When you spend time with someone, how can you truly come to trust that they value you as much as they seem to? How can you trust that it will last?

 

I will say that if K had cared ENOUGH, he wouldn't have ended the relationship at all, or not in the way he did. He may have cared at some point, but he never cared ENOUGH. The most fickle among us are those with the least depth. Don't you think?