Fear I am not progressing well in coping, 2

[Zapbasket]

We all can think about anything and paint it in any color we want.

Feel we all feel many things and in different way.

But what we do is what it's and it talks much more than what we think or feel. So the key is, we can think and feel as much as we want but in the end it will be the actions that determinate what it really is/was.

 

Very true. It's something to think about for ourselves, too: what do MY actions convey? Are they consistent with my words? I think a lot of confusion in relationships results from actions being inconsistent with words. It's a good goal for us all to say what we mean, and do what we say.

[bigtrouble]

Put everything in the past open your options its a big world out there.

Trust would be a big issue you may be afraid your heart may be broken again. Be strong, there is someone out there stumbling trying find a way into your life.

 

This is where it gets tough if you are not making any progress by keeping yourself occupied to stop thinking of him, I think you may need to take a different route, face it, open you heart to a new person.

 

Absence of love would break a heart, but its presence will mend it back. You are a smart woman you wouldn't fall for anything less.

 

But who am I to say this, I am hurting too and missing my Ex, who am I kidding, I close my eyes and feel content that she would be the one for me, but she left me. I think she don't feel the same way. Oh well, been listening to Adele "Someone Like You" I have to keep telling myself to move on. If I need to fake it till I make it I will do it.

 

You are capable of loving again no one is holding you back but yourself, you deserve better.

[BC1980]

I think a few months ago I might have pushed back at you on this. Now, I can only say, "Yes, true." Our human relationships generally are fickle. Who really knows who will betray us down the line. This is why I feel a certain fear now, that I didn't feel before. Whom can you trust? When you spend time with someone, how can you truly come to trust that they value you as much as they seem to? How can you trust that it will last?

 

I will say that if K had cared ENOUGH, he wouldn't have ended the relationship at all, or not in the way he did. He may have cared at some point, but he never cared ENOUGH. The most fickle among us are those with the least depth. Don't you think?

 

I honestly don't think our emotional depth or ability to feel has anything to do with the fickleness of human relationships, and, yes, anyone can hurt us. I would never put anything past anyone, especially in romantic relationships. People's feelings change. It's all so unreliable. I don't know if any of this is good or bad to know. It's certainly disheartening. I don't know. Maybe I will find someone one day that proves me wrong.

 

I think part of the reason I don't really care about my ex getting married is that I know his feelings for this person could change too if she steps out of line. I don't think his emotional depth is that impressive. That, and I'm just generally disinterested in him and have no more feelings for him.

Edited January 14, 2015 by BC1980

[BC1980]

I think a few months ago I might have pushed back at you on this. Now, I can only say, "Yes, true." Our human relationships generally are fickle. Who really knows who will betray us down the line. This is why I feel a certain fear now, that I didn't feel before. Whom can you trust? When you spend time with someone, how can you truly come to trust that they value you as much as they seem to? How can you trust that it will last?

 

I thought more about this concept today, and I was reminded of one of my favorite professors in grad school. He would always say that there were many truths in life that he didn't want to believe but that he had to believe. I think the fickleness of human emotions is one example of that. I don't want to believe it to be true, but I keep seeing evidence to the contrary. *Sigh* Or. . . . maybe it's just that the people I invest in are cr@p on a stick.

[BC1980]

It's my terrible secret habit: I check on him daily. Please no one come down hard on me for this because I know all too well that it's not ideal. But I've just decided to accept it's where I am even while it sits uncomfortably inside me, like something hard poking me in the ribs.

 

I know social media connections are BS but I guess I am intrigued that he has not unfriended me. I know there is nothing to read into that, perhaps, but nevertheless it provides a hat on which I can hang a little wishful thinking, which perhaps I'm not quite ready to dispense with yet. Being "friends" with him on FB gives me the the only "tie" to him that I have. A "friendship" and a "tie" that, I realize, means nothing, but like a bird alighting on the tiniest ice floe in a melting Arctic sea just to have a place to rest, so have I rested all the history, all the feelings good and bad, all of it that I shared with K, on that pin-point-sized ice floe that is a Facebook friendship.

 

Yep, it's not the best thing to do. No doubt it stalls my healing. Yes, recognizing this I should do something about it.

 

This is hard for me to admit, so please don't be hard on me, anyone.

 

I won't come down on you for the FB checking because I know I've done some crazy sh*t with this last relationship. But. . . . I'm sure you know keeping him on FB is a great hindrance to your moving on. I get it though. Nearly literally, I had to drag myself kicking and screaming into reality at many points on this journey.

 

I was thinking today how sad it is that I spent so much time in traumatic, life changing grief, and he just skipped happily along to the next person. Then, I'm reminded that he is a shallow person who would likely drop this poor woman if she does anything "wrong."

[Zapbasket]

It is so hard to lose people you love.

 

I have come to appreciate the truth of that so much through the past year-plus. Time, things, people, places...they all slip through our fingers; it's always happening. But our hearts are sieves and retain the memories, and bear the ache of the loss. And life carries on.

 

I don't remember grieving my 2007 breakup of a 5-year relationship like I have grieved this one. The grief, of course, comes in waves now; I don't have that constant heaviness like I did even six months ago. But I CAN feel all the time that there is a constant subterranean work being done, sometimes at the front of my awareness, and sometimes just beneath my awareness, while I'm doing other things, spending time with other people.

 

I wonder about K a lot. What he's up to and who with and what his dreams are. It used to be that even our silence, after the relationship ended, I felt I knew him. But even though it's doubtful he's changed at core, no doubt he has moved forward in some way. I find myself wondering if we could ever talk or see each other again. Where we live makes me wonder these things more freely because we live so close by and we know people in common, though we don't have common friends. It's just that it's a small town.

 

I finally had a quiet morning today, where I could check in with myself and see where I truly am. And I cried, remembering him and seeing how "easily" we just slipped out of each others' lives. It used to be that we saw each other every day, spoke every day; he was the first person I'd call and I called him "my best friend." It takes a lot more than time spent together for someone to be a best friend. I mourn the mistakenness of my own thinking.

 

I don't know why I felt compelled to post here. I just wanted to bear testament on this site that loss is one of the most deeply painful and life-changing (for better AND worse) things a person can experience. We all must be kind to ourselves and embrace our grieving, because only then can we emerge wiser for our experience. And, seeing how many others are in this silent pain while on they outside they appear to be just going about their lives, makes it clear to me how important kindness is. Life...is very, very difficult, for any living thing.

 

I'm crying and I need to get about my day. K, I truly do miss you, the good times and the bad, which highlighted to me what direction we needed to grow in. I only wish we could have grown together, and not broken from one another forever. I do hope that someday we might be able to connect. I may always wish that; I know of course I'll be "okay" if we do not. I am already "okay" and I imagine you are, too. Maybe sometimes you wonder about me, or wish to talk to me? Or maybe you don't--I don't believe you are that cold and indifferent. But I no longer know you, nor you me. I still love you for what you brought into my life and I am grateful for that.

[Zapbasket]

I have just completely flopped snot all over my keyboard. I didn't know I needed to cry as hard as I have been crying the past half hour. And I'm still crying, while also laughing at the fact that I'm typing a semi-articulate sentence while this little bungee cord of clear snot is bouncing around about 6 inches beneath my nose.

 

lol. Sorry for the visual. I have made a commitment to myself to be as honest on this site as I can possibly be, about every ugly pathetic lame weak side of recovering from a huge series of life disappointments, with some conviction that doing so might help someone who doesn't know, yet, that to be a whackjob in grief is 100% "normal," and "normal" is overrated and misconstrued, anyway. The idea of "normal" is typically just another concept we use to flagellate ourselves.

 

I just blew my nose and am doing my best to stop from crying more because I have to get to a training clinic in an hour. I hope those shaking sobs somehow shook something free from my psyche.

 

Hugs to all of you LS-ers.

[BC1980]

I have just completely flopped snot all over my keyboard. I didn't know I needed to cry as hard as I have been crying the past half hour. And I'm still crying, while also laughing at the fact that I'm typing a semi-articulate sentence while this little bungee cord of clear snot is bouncing around about 6 inches beneath my nose.

 

lol. Sorry for the visual. I have made a commitment to myself to be as honest on this site as I can possibly be, about every ugly pathetic lame weak side of recovering from a huge series of life disappointments, with some conviction that doing so might help someone who doesn't know, yet, that to be a whackjob in grief is 100% "normal," and "normal" is overrated and misconstrued, anyway. The idea of "normal" is typically just another concept we use to flagellate ourselves.

I just blew my nose and am doing my best to stop from crying more because I have to get to a training clinic in an hour. I hope those shaking sobs somehow shook something free from my psyche.

 

Hugs to all of you LS-ers.

 

I applaud you for being honest. During my grief process, I learned that there is an awful lot of judgement for people going through grief from a divorce or traumatic breakup. People tend to judge your grief differently than other types of grief, specifically a death. Our culture seems to place value judgements on grief, and decides that certain types of grief are more valid than others. I think that's why LS has been so important to me. I was able to see that my emotions were completely normal.

[lala2001]

Honestly Greencove, you honesty has helped me tremendously. My ex has moved on (does she even think of me??) and I go through times when I dont think of her and then times when I cannot believe we are not together. I had a MAJOR meltdown this morning and reading how someone else is going through something so similar helps so much... it has been 6 months for me out of a 6 year relationship. Its oh so hard.

Edited January 17, 2015 by lala2001

[Zapbasket]

I applaud you for being honest. During my grief process, I learned that there is an awful lot of judgement for people going through grief from a divorce or traumatic breakup. People tend to judge your grief differently than other types of grief, specifically a death. Our culture seems to place value judgements on grief, and decides that certain types of grief are more valid than others. I think that's why LS has been so important to me. I was able to see that my emotions were completely normal.

 

I recognize this, as well. I think we don't really understand, culturally, what loss actually TAKES from us. For one thing, death is not the only kind of loss. It's not even the only kind of permanent loss. At least in death, you know the person truly is gone forever. I think one of the reasons loss through the shifting plates of intentions and life events and the fickleness of human ties is so agonizing is that the POSSIBILITY that you'll never have a meaningful connection with the person again in fact always looms, but you never KNOW for sure. Just like that happenstance I described a page or two back, where out of nowhere on Christmas day my friend L appeared behind me on a hike up a ridge on a ski mountain; we hadn't spoken for a year and suddenly there he was and we could mend our rift. I never could have foreseen that. And of course, I wished it had been K, my ex, behind me on that ridge, and K with whom I could have healed the rift.

 

Thanks to Chimpan-a to Chimpan-z, I just started reading a book, Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha by Tara Brach. Chimp mentioned the concept of "radical self-acceptance" a few posts back on this thread, and just the term piqued my interest. Radical self-acceptance: to me it connotes a kind of fierce embracing of everything that happens to you and everything you feel inside about it all, loving yourself with the kind of concentrated loyalty you wish you'd been given by the perfect parent none of us ever had. Radical self-acceptance, then--to me, not having actually read the book yet--means you embrace with love and acceptance all the feelings of grief you endure. It means I only feel compassion for myself each time I look up into K's window to see the lights on when I drive by on the highway. Compassion for the times I check FB messenger to see when he was last online. Compassion for all the times I still, all this time later, can find myself on a quiet morning shaken with sobs and snot.

 

And then, by extension, compassion for others who feel compelled by their grief to do similar things. Cheryl Strayed in her memoir Wild writes of picking her mother's bone fragments from among her cremated remains and shoving them into her mouth and swallowing, so that she could keep her mother, any part of her mother, with her forever. Loss drives us to do strange things; it drives us, well, WILD.

[Zapbasket]

Honestly Greencove, you honesty has helped me tremendously. My ex has moved on (does she even think of me??) and I go through times when I dont think of her and then times when I cannot believe we are not together. I had a MAJOR meltdown this morning and reading how someone else is going through something so similar helps so much... it has been 6 months for me out of a 6 year relationship. Its oh so hard.

 

Yes, just reading that you had a "meltdown" was comforting to me (even while of course I'm sorry you were feeling so badly) because I can relate all too well, and it's so helpful to know I'm not alone. I've had so many meltdowns in the aftermath of my breakup, and they've all occurred in secret, with only my mother and best friend ever being privy to any of them while they were occurring. Otherwise this is an unseen part of me, incongruous with the polished, optimistic person I try to present to the world. You want to spare others your "insanity," but then it only makes it worse for you because you must carry this burden alone, when in truth everyone we see every day, if they were honest, has been through the same thing at some point. We are not alone in loss and grief.

 

And I'm sure you know that 6 months after the demise of a 6-year relationship is a very short time indeed. I can imagine you're still processing the shock, and the huge change imposed on your life by the absence of a relationship that has been with you for over half a decade. That's huge.

[Zapbasket]

Even after all this time, I still feel this heaviness in my heart. It's always with me, and it goes back to the way things ended, and the months leading up to the end. And, the fact that all this time has passed, we still live just down the road from one another, and we do not speak.

 

When the heaviness hits hardest, I feel like I should just muster the courage to contact him, to say, I don't like how you treated me, but I really care about you and it troubles me greatly to this day that we do not speak. But then I think, NO! You knowingly let me drop from your life; every day you don't contact me makes it less likely I will be within reach if you do want to contact me and you know this and yet do nothing; I deserve far better than someone who could let me and our relationship go with no fight and no effort.

 

It's just hard. To want to speak meaningfully with someone and know that they want nothing to do with you. Hard because I feel such a divergent mix of feelings: longing, and then disgust that he would have let things get to the point they did and then feel no responsibility to face the situation head-on. Hard because I really cared for him and for his family, and all that investment left me with nothing.

 

I'll tell you, I will NEVER invest in someone who doesn't plainly show from the get-go that the time they have with me is meaningful to them. I have been on a couple of dates now with a guy who is nice, but who doesn't really seem interested in anything I have to say, or in my experience or inner feelings and thoughts. Yet he is glad to share these things with me, and has said he feels "comfortable" with me because I listen to him. And I was like, Um, no. If you can't reciprocate my ability to draw you out and truly establish a connection with you, I'm not doing the work for two and calling it a relationship. It's clear he feels entitled to something from me that he doesn't feel obligated to give in return. And that has defined ALL of my romantic relationships. Guys have pushed me to fulfill THEIR timetable and THEIR need for certainty and I have felt I must oblige, because that is the "generous" and "loving" thing to do. They have wanted me to show that my life is open to THEM, but they have been perfectly fine with remaining enigmatic about how much of their life they are willing to open to me. And I've accepted it, feeling like I must give MORE to keep them (that old self-worth thing rearing its head).

 

NOT ANYMORE. They can earn their way into my life. If my relationship with K taught me anything, it has taught me that. I hope. I hope this is a genuine change.

[Apparition]

Break-up's are almost like death, except the person you are losing is still living. However, the grieving process for most, when going through a break-up is almost the exact same as when someone is experiencing losing a person due to death. We panic, we get lost, confused, and we go through all these emotions that hurt us. It's not even just emotions, because your mind takes you on an adventure to memories you had with this person, which can be an unpleasant experience. So very sadly, we worry and don't know how to cope with these emotions, and this is how we are all brought together on this website, because everyone at some point in life, experiences this and doesn't know how to cope. It's like we're searching for words, or just something, anything to cure us of this pain. This emptiness inside us.

 

Unfortunately, words cannot provide any remedies for a broken heart. Can't restore you in any way to the position you would've been in before meeting this person. And sometimes, when we lose people we love, we naturally, understandably, lose every other sense of judgement, because the world around us has lost any sense of rational to us. When this happens, we make bad decisions, decisions that make us look, and even feel weak. Like trying to get in contact with an ex who broke your heart.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this, but remember, there is a great deal of people out there experiencing this with you. A good amount of us are on this website, so please, instead of contacting your ex, feel free to spill your guts out here.

[sober and dry]

Apparition I would even say that if people manage to treat a BU as a death it would be much easier than a BU where you imagine that's possible to get back togheter and you try everything you can imagine to make it happen.

When someone dyes you just know it's just no way it will happen so it MIGHT be easier.

On second though, when a BU happens there is a dead, the love will sooner or latter day with it, so...

[lala2001]

Apparition ... those words are oh so right. I am going thru this break up process with all of you and its killing me. its as if I cant breathe. I am like Greencove as no one really knows how upset I really am. Its like I am on my own and I dont want to worry/upset family etc... I feel I have shut myself off and am in some kind of a hole. I need to find my way out but its so hard to think of a life single/being alone/ dating someone that will not compare to the ex. Thats the worst part and makes me want to cry everyday.

[Apparition]

Apparition ... those words are oh so right. I am going thru this break up process with all of you and its killing me. its as if I cant breathe. I am like Greencove as no one really knows how upset I really am. Its like I am on my own and I dont want to worry/upset family etc... I feel I have shut myself off and am in some kind of a hole. I need to find my way out but its so hard to think of a life single/being alone/ dating someone that will not compare to the ex. Thats the worst part and makes me want to cry everyday.

 

I understand that feeling, as many of us do. I think being alone is a great fear for many people, where as I am different because I would rather feel alone by myself, than feel alone in a relationship. Perhaps you can take this time to focus on yourself, which is very difficult when your mind is on overdrive with thoughts of your ex, but it can be a good thing, too, because you can look back on the relationship and learn from it. Learn, grow, adjust, develop. Be a happier version of yourself than who you were during the relationship.

[Zapbasket]

Sorry in advance for the typos; my computer died and so I have to use my smart phone for everything and I am not adept at texting.

 

My therapist made a surprising suggestion yesterday. He said that if I gave him the go-ahead, he would reach out to my ex to try to set up a meeting with him and me. This was in response to my saying there was something about K in particular that I couldn't let go of, that my wish for some kind of contact or reconciliation never lessened. My therapist said he would reach out to K for no reason other than that he wanted to do everything he could to help me.

 

I wouldn't consider it except that K also saw this therapist while we were still together. My question is, what do you guys think of this as a way to help me move forward? I know there is much I have left out, so if you want any info, please ask. I am seriously considering this.

[The Poster]

Sorry in advance for the typos; my computer died and so I have to use my smart phone for everything and I am not adept at texting.

 

My therapist made a surprising suggestion yesterday. He said that if I gave him the go-ahead, he would reach out to my ex to try to set up a meeting with him and me. This was in response to my saying there was something about K in particular that I couldn't let go of, that my wish for some kind of contact or reconciliation never lessened. My therapist said he would reach out to K for no reason other than that he wanted to do everything he could to help me.

 

I wouldn't consider it except that K also saw this therapist while we were still together. My question is, what do you guys think of this as a way to help me move forward? I know there is much I have left out, so if you want any info, please ask. I am seriously considering this.

 

That is a very odd thing for a therapist to suggest. Setting up a meeting between you and your ex while you are struggling to move on? I'm not sure how that would help unless your ex wanted to work things out.

[BC1980]

Sorry in advance for the typos; my computer died and so I have to use my smart phone for everything and I am not adept at texting.

 

My therapist made a surprising suggestion yesterday. He said that if I gave him the go-ahead, he would reach out to my ex to try to set up a meeting with him and me. This was in response to my saying there was something about K in particular that I couldn't let go of, that my wish for some kind of contact or reconciliation never lessened. My therapist said he would reach out to K for no reason other than that he wanted to do everything he could to help me.

 

I wouldn't consider it except that K also saw this therapist while we were still together. My question is, what do you guys think of this as a way to help me move forward? I know there is much I have left out, so if you want any info, please ask. I am seriously considering this.

 

Hi GC,

 

I do have two questions. What is it, in particular, about K that you can't let go of? Also, what do you think he can do to help you move forward?

 

At this point, I'm almost willing to tell you to go ahead with the meeting because it seems to be something that you can't let go of. You do realize that reaching out to him is replaying the dysfunctional dynamic that persisted in the relationship? Truly, I feel that the better way forward would be to reject that pattern. That is my heart felt advice.

[Zapbasket]

That is a very odd thing for a therapist to suggest. Setting up a meeting between you and your ex while you are struggling to move on? I'm not sure how that would help unless your ex wanted to work things out.

 

Two things I really appreciate about my therapist are his willingness to explore unorthodox measures, and his honesty. He's not saying his reaching out to K would necessarily give me answers, but he has seen my deep hurt at the way my ex left things and he sees this as a proactive step he (meaning, my therapist) could take on my behalf, understanding that K may refuse or that it would be upsetting. He said in his experience, when he has reached out to exes for clarification, the discussions that ensued never told him anything he didn't already know.

[Zapbasket]

Hi GC,

 

I do have two questions. What is it, in particular, about K that you can't let go of? Also, what do you think he can do to help you move forward?

 

I can't let go of what I thought was between us. I knew there was this dysfunctional dynamic, and I sensed he was highly dysfunctional in certain ways, but I thought all along that there was more there. He always said he loved me deeply; his family also always told me so. I can't seem to let go of what I thought was there.

 

I'don't consider my therapist's suggestion not because I think K will "help" me out of some kind of compassion or because hearing from my therapist will suddenly spur him to to the right thing, but because seeing him after all this time and seeing the probably reluctant or even condescending way he would respond to such a request might finally resolve for me this "puzzle" of who and what he truly is. Everyone keeps telling me I grossly overestimated K, including people who know him, but I just can't, or refuse to, see it.

 

At this point, I'm almost willing to tell you to go ahead with the meeting because it seems to be something that you can't let go of. You do realize that reaching out to him is replaying the dysfunctional dynamic that persisted in the relationship? Truly, I feel that the better way forward would be to reject that pattern. That is my heart felt advice.

 

I agree, which is why I have never reached out to him. I am somehow shocked, however, that in all this time he never reached out to me. I just can't seem to wrap my head around it. This is why I am willing to consider my therapist's proposition. What do you think?

[BC1980]

So you are going to use his reaction to a meetup request to judge how he felt about you in the relationship? Am I understanding you? Don't you think it makes more sense to use what you experienced in the relationship, for 3 years, to judge that?

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Sorry in advance for the typos; my computer died and so I have to use my smart phone for everything and I am not adept at texting.

 

My therapist made a surprising suggestion yesterday. He said that if I gave him the go-ahead, he would reach out to my ex to try to set up a meeting with him and me. This was in response to my saying there was something about K in particular that I couldn't let go of, that my wish for some kind of contact or reconciliation never lessened. My therapist said he would reach out to K for no reason other than that he wanted to do everything he could to help me.

 

I wouldn't consider it except that K also saw this therapist while we were still together. My question is, what do you guys think of this as a way to help me move forward? I know there is much I have left out, so if you want any info, please ask. I am seriously considering this.

 

This is a terrible idea and incredibly unethical to boot. A therapist has no business involving unwilling parties into your healing process. If an ex's therapist reached out to me asking for a conversation I would file a complaint quicker than you can say "tell me about your feelings". On the other hand, I'm beginning to see why you've made so little progress in coping; a therapist who would suggesting something like this probably can't help anyone.

 

Let's say that for whatever reason you went forward with this. So your therapist sends the message asking for a meeting. Do you think you'll be indifferent? You're going to fall into a spiral of anxiety and self-loathing while you wait for his response. They will be the longest however many hours of your entire life. And you'll hate yourself for agreeing to such an absurd thing until K finally says "no". Because he will say no.

 

Can you imagine this from his perspective? You've been broken up for nearly two years now and he hasn't spoken so much as a word to you since. He doesn't want to see you. Imagine how he would feel if he found out after all this time you were STILL pining for him, unable to get over him, struggling so badly that your therapist intervened. He's going to be absolutely mortified. It will solidify in his head that he was completely right to avoid you all this time because you aren't able to move on. He's not going to feel a rush of warm emotions towards you; he will be full of pity. Wow, GreenCove is still completely obsessed with me and I haven't even said anything to her. And he'll decline because he doesn't want to stoke your obsession. One last humiliating rejection and not even to your face. Is that what you want?

 

You don't need K's (lack of) validation any more. You've seen exactly how much he cares about you ever day since your breakup and that's exactly how much care you should show him in return. In the meantime, get a new therapist. There's a difference between unorthodox and counterproductive. Shame on him for even suggesting such a thing.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

I am somehow shocked, however, that in all this time he never reached out to me. I just can't seem to wrap my head around it.

 

This is what "radical self-acceptance" is all about. It's not about loving or even being at peace with where you are, it's just accepting that your current place in life is the natural consequence of everything else that came before. It doesn't matter whether it's fair or right; it just is. You are here, you are on your own, and K has not spoken to you. That's where you are today. Refusing to accept it---refusing to acknowledge that he hasn't reached out, doesn't want to reach out, won't reach out---will just keep you mired in this state of anguish.

 

You can't waste any more of your life in this holding power. Start reading and garner the courage to accept K's decision. He's nothing but part of your past. Focus more on embracing the future.

[BC1980]

I've never said if before, but I thought the therapist sounded unethical before now. Didn't he tell you some things about K's therapy sessions and that K no longer attends? He shouldn't have said anything at all. It's a violation of patient rights.