Fear I am not progressing well in coping, 2

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

...but because seeing him after all this time and seeing the probably reluctant or even condescending way he would respond to such a request might finally resolve for me this "puzzle" of who and what he truly is.

 

This is a common fallacy of breakups, especially with people seeking closure. For people who feel this way it helps justify their inability to move on. "If I just had one more conversation things would finally be settled and I'd be okay!" Unfortunately, it's almost never true. The conversations that end in genuine closure only happen when both parties are ready and willing to discuss it maturely. It doesn't work when one person is desperately hanging on and the other has no interest in speaking.

 

From what I've read in this thread, K sounds like a loser and a bit of a coward. But he's not obligated to explain why he ended things the way he did, especially after so long with no contact whatsoever. The only role he plays in your life is in your imagination, and as much as I dislike this bum I think you have to stop holding him to your standards of behavior. He doesn't owe you anything at this point.

 

You know he will never be able to provide you with the satisfactory reconciliation you think you need, so why be upset? Why do you keep longing for this happy get-together when you know he has no interest in it? The K who is willing to do those things is not the K who exists in reality. You have to set imaginary K aside, accept real K's choice to cut ties, and move forward.

[Kinetica84]

This is a common fallacy of breakups, especially with people seeking closure. For people who feel this way it helps justify their inability to move on. "If I just had one more conversation things would finally be settled and I'd be okay!" Unfortunately, it's almost never true. The conversations that end in genuine closure only happen when both parties are ready and willing to discuss it maturely. It doesn't work when one person is desperately hanging on and the other has no interest in speaking.

 

From what I've read in this thread, K sounds like a loser and a bit of a coward. But he's not obligated to explain why he ended things the way he did, especially after so long with no contact whatsoever. The only role he plays in your life is in your imagination, and as much as I dislike this bum I think you have to stop holding him to your standards of behavior. He doesn't owe you anything at this point.

 

You know he will never be able to provide you with the satisfactory reconciliation you think you need, so why be upset? Why do you keep longing for this happy get-together when you know he has no interest in it? The K who is willing to do those things is not the K who exists in reality. You have to set imaginary K aside, accept real K's choice to cut ties, and move forward.

 

Epic post. I salute you.

[BC1980]

GC, I have a suggestion that I feel will help you move forward. Stop checking his FB daily. There are no more excuses at this point for not blocking his FB. You have never been NC because you have kept a tie to him. I know we all heal at different rates, but you are truly contributing to your own inability to move on with the FB checking.

[sagamore]

Agree. No FB. And to be honest...I think you should move. Small town, not enough possibilities for you. Either for a new boyfriend or a decent therapist!

[lala2001]

I agree with everyone here GC. Although I know we all heal at different rates as I was the kind of person who was totally fine at first and is now a trainwreck. I know you will be okay - you have to. You have to find it somewhere within yourself to believe you will be okay if you never speak again. I know its difficult - believe me. Today I went on a rampage email of hurt to my ex and I probably shouldnt have done it as it ended with me saying "I dont want to talk to you again" and this has been in a resonse of her wanting to be only friends - btw BAD idea... I think you will be okay but you have to KNOW u will. I dont know I will yet but I have some sort of hope... without that, theres nothing. I think the NC thing is hard as theres no closure... but talking every once in a blue moon as I have is far worse as there is STILL no closure and only MORE hurt.

[Apparition]

Yeah, I agree with the others. I don't understand why your therapist would say something like this or even think of that. I know that's it's difficult as each minute passes, and there isn't a lot you can do, though, except let yourself heal without salting the wounds. I don't believe he will accept the meeting, and if he does, I don't think it will go so well.

 

As for Facebook, I don't have a high opinion of that website as it is because it's almost nothing but filled with drama. Keeping your ex on Facebook is a huge mistake because you're setting yourself up for pain. What if he one day posts an image of him and his new girlfriend? Or something simple like changing his status to in a relationship. Those are triggers in our minds, and they set us back each time.

 

Also, when people say "move on" - Almost everyone thinks they mean it in a 'move on, find someone else' kind of way, which is why I rarely use those words to people, because it's not as simple as that. It's almost like saying "get over it". But, what I will say is that you need to let yourself heal without him and any contact with him.

 

Good luck with your meeting.

[Zapbasket]

Thanks, everyone, for your replies. I talked myself out of it. I think both I and my therapist knew I'd not actually go through with my therapist calling K and trying to set up a meeting. But going through the thought process actually freed me somewhat in relation to K's silence. Just to have that moment where it seemed there was something concrete I could do about it.

 

The main reason I won't go through with it is the same reason I haven't contacted him in a year-plus. It goes both ways: yes, he hasn't contacted me, but nor have I reached out to him. That is MY choice, and MY power, and MY understanding that when someone makes a choice not to have you in their life, you give them that. There are too many people who DO want me in their lives...and while some of them aren't people I really want in mine, in other cases it's reciprocal. I've been very social in the past couple of months; so many people want to be my friend--people whom I like a lot, as well. I've made a lot of progress socially where I live. But of course, when you really love someone, and they don't want you, and for the life of you you can't understand why, it hurts awfully.

 

Going through the exercise of considering a third-party reaching out to K on my behalf gave me a window onto the path I must take to turn this whole unfortunate situation into a life experience I grow from, to become more fully who I authentically am. Maybe this will resonate as well for some of you in similar situations. Here it is:

 

The first part of the path is to embrace the fact that abandonment like I experienced, with no effort to solve difficulties beforehand, no communication beforehand, no explanation, and no follow-up after over 3 years spent together, just HURTS. I will always feel sad about this outcome--and by "outcome," I don't mean our breaking up, necessarily, but the utter severance of this person from my life. It's painful; there's nothing I can do about it; and it will always be painful in memory.

 

The second part of the path is to know that you can live with the pain, and life goes on. There will always be the pain and the regret, but this is a layer over which many more layers will grow--joyful times, new experiences, new challenges and painful moments. I always thought "acceptance" meant being "okay" with K's decision and behavior, but this past week has enabled me to see it differently. Acceptance means accepting that I'll never be okay with it, that it was not at all something I would have done or can understand choosing to do or can respect his having done, BUT it doesn't define my life. If I hear from K in 20 years, even then it will mean a lot to me, but not because I pined over him all those years. It will be because in the fullness of the life I lived and the person I became, I will always have the big heart to care deeply for anyone who ever meant something to me, and I'll always embrace any opportunity for forgiveness and reconciliation in life. After all, when we're all in the ground, these antipathies are utterly nothing. I will never be indifferent. To be unburdened does not mean you are indifferent.

 

The third part of the path to healing is understanding why, with K, I settled for so much less. This part takes the focus off of K and puts it on me, and this is what I focus on in therapy. How my early life experiences caused me to feel that my emotional sensitivity and desire for meaningful connection with others is some kind of liability for which I should apologize, or that I should hide and pretend that I DON't want connection. And so I have ended up in relationships with people who don't know how to, or don't want to connect. The goal in this work is to be very clear about what I should hold out for in relationships and life, that enables me to be true to who I am. This part of the path is what makes a "win" out of the inevitable pain of this whole situation. It's a win because I won't find myself in this situation again, at least not with such a lack of awareness as I had with this one.

 

I don't think my therapist is unethical. I know he wouldn't suggest something he wouldn't be willing to follow through on, but I think he anticipated that I'd likely not follow through on having him contact K. I WISH I could, believe me. I WISH I could knock down his door and MAKE him face me. But, you know what? The other day I saw his truck in the grocery store parking lot, and I chose to drive away and not risk an encounter in the store. That, again, was MY choice. So some part of me DOESN'T want to force an encounter. All the same, do I fervently wish that on Christmas Day, it was K and not my friend L who came up behind me on that ski trail? YES. I TRULY HATE, HATE, THAT K AND I DON'T TALK.

 

And sometimes I need to come on here and say that, and express to others how much it continues to hurt. But that's just part of the story, because my life really is moving forward. My spirit is moving forward; it is growing. My sense of myself is growing. I do miss K every day, and I wish he would reach out to me. I thought I had to push myself to stop wishing that, but maybe I don't. Maybe it's enough to wish for what you wish for, but keep living your life in the NOW. Which, for me, means that I want to nurture only those relationships with people who can meet me half way emotionally, relationships where the connection continues to grow and BOTH of us seek similar degrees of closeness.

[Apparition]

GreenCove, I'm glad you decided against the meeting, and you should really be proud of yourself for that. Heck, I don't even know you and yet I'm proud of you for doing that. This typically shows that you have great strength, probably a greater strength than you even realize you had in yourself. Many people would have jumped at the chance of reconciliation no matter what the cost was or how the outcome would have been afterwards, despite them knowing how it would have went. Yet, you took some time to think on it carefully, and decided against it. Well done.

 

Obviously for a lot of people this site is like their own personal diary, except in this diary there are people here who listen to your story and listen to your hurt. We listen to the pain you feel, and believe me, we feel it too because most of us are going through this. There are some people who do leave scars on your heart when they leave, and yeah, some people DO love that person forever no matter who they end up with. But, we are not here for others, we are on this planet for ourselves and our own journey. If the people we love decide to toss us into their past and decide to leave us behind, then they don't deserve our love.

 

I don't know "K" and I don't know much about your relationship, but what I do think I know is that you sound like a great person who deserves a lot more than what "K" had to offer you. I hope you realize that some day.

 

-App.

[BC1980]

I'm proud of you GC. Yes, it does hurt, and we are only human. I've actually come to a place where it doesn't hurt anymore. I no longer care, and it's such a relief. I can't even remember what that soul crushing pain was like. I know I felt it, but I can't remember. I hope that you can get there because K truly does not deserve another moment's thought from you.

[Zapbasket]

We passed each other twice on the highway a couple of days ago. The first time, we were at opposite ends of an intersection, at a stop light. He had his phone to his ear and I couldn't help it, I stared. It looked like he turned slightly toward me. The second time, I openly turned and stared but he stared straight ahead. It was daylight and I could see him clearly.

 

Seeing him elicited a whole other wave of sadness. I wish we at least could have agreed to be cordial when we see one another, to wave rather than just avoid. This is such a small town I'm surprised we haven't yet made mutual friends, but I know it's inevitable it will eventually happen unless one of us moves.

 

It's just sad. I wish I didn't care, but I do. I don't know what story he holds about me in his mind that after all this time he can't just be like, "Hey" when we pass each other. I try to vilify him, and frankly I don't think he treated me all that well when all is said and done, and yet I can't vilify him. So it's hard for me to understand how he can vilify me, unless it's just a reflection of his being a coward, as ChimpanA-to-ChimpanZ suggested.

 

Ugh. Well, onward, onward.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

I don't think he's vilifying you or that he hates you. He probably just believes you're both best served by having no contact whatsoever. While he may have been cowardly in the way he dumped you, it's not cowardly to avoid a likely unhappy encounter. That's just basic self-preservation.

 

You don't have to vilify him. You don't have to wonder about the story in his mind, either, because it's not something you can change. Accept what he wants and move onward.

 

Remember, every second you spend agonizing over this just proves he's right to avoid you. You can't be cordial if you're still feeling this way. Push him out of your mind to the greatest extent possible.

[Apparition]

I don't actually know what happened between you both, as I've only started reading this thread after your break-up, so I can't give my take on what I think his thoughts are or why he's behaving like you don't exist. However, his thoughts and actions are pretty irrelevant now because he's no longer a part of your life. He's a part of your past, and it just so happens that you see him around, which is to be expected, given that you live in a small town and live very close to him(?) - Anyway, although it's difficult since all these emotions are raw and it probably feels like salt in the wounds when you see him, you have to be selfless at this point and let him move on. You seem to be doing that just fine, even though you struggle and there is these small moments like what you just described where you stare at him, it sounds like you have a lot of strength.

 

However, I would stop trying to think of what he thinks in his mind and focus on yourself. Maybe if you see him again just turn the other cheek and pretend he isn't there?

[Eighty_nine]

This is a terrible idea and incredibly unethical to boot. A therapist has no business involving unwilling parties into your healing process. If an ex's therapist reached out to me asking for a conversation I would file a complaint quicker than you can say "tell me about your feelings". On the other hand, I'm beginning to see why you've made so little progress in coping; a therapist who would suggesting something like this probably can't help anyone.

 

I agree that it's a terrible idea, but it's not exactly unethical. It's a common practice, with the clients consent, to reach out to other parties to join in a therapy session. Obviously, any of those parties can say no. (I'm a therapist). What's concerning is how the therapist doesn't seem to realize how many steps back seeing him would mean for her. Even suggesting they communicate has obviously set her back. (understandably!)

[Eighty_nine]

We passed each other twice on the highway a couple of days ago. The first time, we were at opposite ends of an intersection, at a stop light. He had his phone to his ear and I couldn't help it, I stared. It looked like he turned slightly toward me. The second time, I openly turned and stared but he stared straight ahead. It was daylight and I could see him clearly.

 

Seeing him elicited a whole other wave of sadness. I wish we at least could have agreed to be cordial when we see one another, to wave rather than just avoid. This is such a small town I'm surprised we haven't yet made mutual friends, but I know it's inevitable it will eventually happen unless one of us moves.

 

It's just sad. I wish I didn't care, but I do. I don't know what story he holds about me in his mind that after all this time he can't just be like, "Hey" when we pass each other. I try to vilify him, and frankly I don't think he treated me all that well when all is said and done, and yet I can't vilify him. So it's hard for me to understand how he can vilify me, unless it's just a reflection of his being a coward, as ChimpanA-to-ChimpanZ suggested.

 

Ugh. Well, onward, onward.

 

I haven't read the whole thread so not sure if this applies to you, but when my (emotionally abusive) ex and I broke up I used to write lists of all of the bad things he had done and said to me. I'd write them over and over, sometimes. When the pain of missing him was sharp, that's when I did it. It was a depressing task, but it helped me see him for who he really is.

[BC1980]

I haven't read the whole thread so not sure if this applies to you, but when my (emotionally abusive) ex and I broke up I used to write lists of all of the bad things he had done and said to me. I'd write them over and over, sometimes. When the pain of missing him was sharp, that's when I did it. It was a depressing task, but it helped me see him for who he really is.

 

I did this and have suggested it on a few threads lately. I think it does help, especially when you have the tendency to romanticize the relationship and only remember the good parts.

[BC1980]

GC, I'm sorry you saw him. I think we are in similar boats because we occasionally see our exes, and, unless we want to completely uproot our lives, it will remain that way for the foreseeable future. I wish I had some decent advice on what to do when you see him, but the best I can offer is to ignore. Seeing my ex actually humanized him for me. I had become so emotionally distant from him over the past year that I forgot what it would even be like to see him in person. But it is surreal when you see an ex in person, especially when the breakup was traumatic (at least, for us it was. I doubt it was for our exes). I don't even have adequate words to describe seeing or speaking with my ex. I once shared such an intimacy with this person, and we are now strangers. I have no words, no label, nothing to describe how that feels.

[Zapbasket]

I almost posted in this thread yesterday, to say hey, I think I'm doing a lot better, my life really is palpably moving forward in every sense that matters to me right now, and I can finally see the outline of a new life path taking shape before me. And, I finally feel back in touch with myself.

 

And then, last night, I saw my ex's dad at a restaurant.

 

I was there with a girlfriend and her boyfriend; we were sitting at the bar. When I turned to secure my jacket over the back of my seat, I looked up, and at the table behind me was my ex's dad.

 

I hadn't seen him since before K and I broke up.

 

He is a lovely man, very gregarious and good-natured, and when he saw me he stood up from the table and we approached each other with a big hug and kiss on the cheek. I was so genuinely happy to see him that it didn't hit me, how hard it was to play it like I was 100% fine and doing great. We talked mostly about K's younger brother, who is finished with college and back in town. I told K's dad about some of my outdoor adventures and goals, and he said K's brother would love to go with me on one of these adventures (he's an outdoor guide), and also that K's dad himself would love to ski up one of the local mountains with me after work and I should call him. We didn't talk about K.

 

I returned to my friends at the bar and outwardly had a good time, but there was this niggling feeling in me that exploded as soon as I got in my car, alone, and started driving up the road from the restaurant. I bawled my eyes out and called my best friend and just cried and cried and cried.

 

I feel like no one, not K, not his mom with whom I've consistently kept in touch ever since K and I broke up, and not K's dad or his family or friends who also know K's family, knows how much this breakup has hurt me. I feel so bothered inside, STILL, that K never once reached out to me after cutting off so abruptly and in such a cowardly way, not even face to face. It hurts and confuses me that K's dad could say that he and K's brother would love to do something outdoors with me, and K has not once reached out to me and nor have I seen him in public or had any encounter with him at all over the past nearly year and a half save for seeing each other in our vehicles on the two-lane highway that connects our community.

 

I keep reminding myself that it's not really that confusing, that truly K could not give me what I want in a relationship, and that the reason the relationship was so confusing and unsatisfying in the first place was because in my eyes he always fell short and frankly never treated me particularly well and was so stuck in his own life that the relationship was doomed to end unless he got his sh*t together, which he didn't and from what little I can tell and have been told he still hasn't. His silence all this while continues that same pattern: he can't give me what I want. Not that he ever tried, and that is what is so enraging and hurtful and plain-out sad.

 

It hurts terribly that there is nothing I can do but move on and work on myself so that I never again accept less than any person deserves in a relationship. It hurts in a way that I can't even manage to communicate here, despite all the words in this already too-long post. And STILL, after all this time, there is such disbelief in my heart that he could be so cold, even while the rest of his family is so warm. It hurts to think that they all think all is okay with how this turned out, and have no idea how deeply this hurt me, and how much pain I have had to overcome to be able to make new friends and go out and move forward with my life.

 

I lie awake and just HURT, and I despair that it seems the hurt will never go away, and the lingering question mark of bafflement at K's behavior, even after all. this. time.

[Apparition]

You have a way with words, GC. The whole reason I even continued to read your thread (I usually just comment once and never read a thread again) was because when reading your words, they fitted perfectly with how I felt, and I felt as though I was reading my own emotions but yet someone else had written them out. Though, my situation is very different from a lot of peoples here, I like to come and try give out advice as best as I can.

 

I think you handled the situation very well with respect to K's Father. It must have been terribly difficult for you to go through that and then deal with speaking to him about a life you were once part of. You are human, breaking down afterwards is what most people would have done. I can tell from the way you write about K that you loved him very much, but with respect to how you are handling things in general - I think you are a perfect example of what I call a "survivor". You're bound to have moments of weakness, spurts of feeling better and normal, all of this is just a long, painful process, but it does have a light at the end of the tunnel for all of us.

 

Take care.

 

-A.

[BC1980]

I feel like no one, not K, not his mom with whom I've consistently kept in touch ever since K and I broke up, and not K's dad or his family or friends who also know K's family, knows how much this breakup has hurt me. I feel so bothered inside, STILL, that K never once reached out to me after cutting off so abruptly and in such a cowardly way, not even face to face. It hurts and confuses me that K's dad could say that he and K's brother would love to do something outdoors with me, and K has not once reached out to me and nor have I seen him in public or had any encounter with him at all over the past nearly year and a half save for seeing each other in our vehicles on the two-lane highway that connects our community.

 

Don't you hate that feeling? That someone who cut you so deeply will never know how badly you hurt? I certainly understand that. As you know, my ex was getting engaged and starting a new life when I was smack in the middle of the worst part of my grief. How is that fair? How is it that the villain gets to start over and get off with no time served? I'm so glad that I was completely unaware of all of that while it was happening. It still makes me a little angry, but, overall, I just don't care anymore. He can live his life, and I have mine. I like the path I'm walking without him much better than any I could have walked with him.

 

As for his dad, you have to take anything his family says with a grain of salt. They will always support him. They don't understand that K did to you, and they never will. We have no idea what stories he told them or how he rewrote what happened.

[Zapbasket]

Finally, I feel like my mind and psyche are clear *enough* that I can seriously begin to think about what my next steps need to be. For a long time, I was in such emotional turmoil that I didn't want to make any major decisions from that place, especially since the "easy" thing to do seemed to be to just leave where I live, and of course that is much easier said than done. I didn't want to end up just running away from my pain and troubles, so I said, I will float/coast on what I *have* managed to establish separate from K and his family, and I will focus on building on that. But no major decisions, I promised myself.

 

Now, I feel ready, and I feel it's time, to begin seriously to consider next steps. I am imagining what would be "solved" for me by moving from here. I am paying attention to the things I love about being here, and embracing those things, and also paying attention to what I feel is lacking for me here, and trying to play out what would work as solutions.

 

I feel I can do this because I'm not just pulsating in every organ with hurt over my breakup with K anymore. But...there's still this insidious way that hurt still sits in me and I'm not sure how to address it in a way where I can KNOW it's not taking over my mind and heart and leading me to make a bad decision for my future. Here's what the hurt looks like:

 

I feel really betrayed by K, still. I feel betrayed by my whole experience with K and his family, because I really felt we all loved each other a lot and that I belonged, and I fully trusted that K thought more of me than to leave things the way he did, with no looking back. I moved to this resort town and tried to make it work for nearly 5 years now because I thought a place like this, where everyone pretty much knows everyone and everything is slower and on a smaller scale (except the outdoors, the skiing being some of the steepest and best in North America), was a place where people truly CONNECTED, where there were nice, wholesome families like K's family that had solid, simple values...like K's family. And instead, if I'm honest, I've failed to find that here...or I found it, and lost it. And again, if I'm honest, I've spent all my time since the breakup especially trying to make new friends, and while I have met a few nice folks, I just don't feel connected the way I should. I feel like I could just pack my things and leave here and not really say goodbye or keep in touch with anyone and it wouldn't really faze me.

 

This train of thought leads me to think I should leave. But how do I know it's not my residual hurt talking? I really still feel so hurt, but I'm trying to learn to live with it because it will never go away; it will always linger as an unpleasant memory. How do I deal with that? Can you guys relate? And yes, I am still in therapy, trying very hard.

[BC1980]

This train of thought leads me to think I should leave. But how do I know it's not my residual hurt talking? I really still feel so hurt, but I'm trying to learn to live with it because it will never go away; it will always linger as an unpleasant memory. How do I deal with that? Can you guys relate? And yes, I am still in therapy, trying very hard.

 

I don't know if you can ever really KNOW that your decisions aren't made from residual hurt. At least, you don't know at this juncture. As the years pass, I think the entire experience will fade away and not remain so relevant. I'm just now getting to a point where I feel that my decisions are not some type of reaction to my breakup, so I get where you are coming from. It happens gradually, and I've just begun to notice it. I agree that you are far enough along in your journey to be able to make a healthy decision on whether or not to move.

 

I honestly don't see how your ex couldn't influence that decision in some way though. I feel that all of my life experiences have the the potential to impact my decisions in some way, directly or indirectly. I don't simply see my life as BEFORE and AFTER my ex, but I see the rest of my life as a continuation of experiences that include my time with him. Am I making sense? I think what I'm really trying to say is that you may never be able to completely discern how much moving might have to do with your ex. I don't think it's that black and white.

 

I also think that it's okay to move if you want to get away from your ex, his family, or the memories attached to all of it. That's not running away. Sometimes, the best remedy is to simply remove yourself from a situation because it just causes too many emotional triggers. I also considered moving, but, in the end, where I live is my hometown, not his, so I had many more memories here that don't include him. I have a base of friends that I knew before him. I have family here. I have a career here and a job that I love. I don't think you should view moving as any type of failure. If anything, it might open new doors for you.

Edited March 12, 2015 by BC1980

[mightycpa]

Hi GC,

 

I've read the last few posts, and honestly, your situation seems familiar. I'll bet you get a lot of that.

 

I wonder if you talk to him in your head, like he has replaced that voice in your head that represented you talking to yourself. That's what happened to me, because I wanted to talk to her so badly. But I never let myself actually talk to her. I was just like you in that respect. I wasn't going to debase myself for something I knew I couldn't have. I wanted it to come from her. It was worthless to me any other way.

 

Personally, I couldn't imagine ever talking to her again, even though I really wanted to do exactly that. I had so much to say, so many things I wanted to express. But I think what it all boiled down to was that I wanted her to know how much she hurt me. I think I wanted that, not for the pity, but because it was the most genuine expression of love that I could give her, and I think in the most secret part of my heart, it represented the hope that I was clinging to. Intellectually, I knew I didn't have a prayer, but in my heart, hope existed and I couldn't extinguish it. I think that my desire to connect with her was so she would know with certainty that I still loved her, and that I would always love her. I really wanted her to know that above all else. I kinda still want her to know, and it's been decades. It's a lot easier now; there is light at the end of the tunnel.

 

That's what I get when I read what you're going through. Personally, I'd move, change phone numbers, cut off the social connections, everything. Remove all reminders from your life. Store the trinkets somewhere if you must, but get them out of your life. That really helps.

 

I also wonder if by now, the therapy hurts more than it helps. I'm sure that at first, it helped you articulate how you were feeling. I noticed you used the word betrayed. I felt that right away, but it took me a long while to identify it for what it was. So my impression is that you know exactly how you feel, and why, and you're going to therapy to help you get over it faster. I don't think there is a human being in the world that will help you process it faster than you will process it anyway. By talking about it every week, you may be feeding a beast that needs to be starved. And based on my experience, I wouldn't worry too much about progress. Just be the progress you want to see, and your heart and mind will eventually follow. Let your heart grieve in the meantime, in private. It might do you a lot of good to stop talking about it for a while. I don't know.

 

You will never forget, but one day, you'll stop thinking about it. Your mind will return to it some day, but can have peace in your life for a long time. You have to put it behind you first, even if you're not quite prepared to do it. No time like the present. Anyway, that's what I did, and it took me about six years to feel completely normal again. I'd think about it from time to time, and it would hurt, but I got real good at not thinking about it, and paying attention to the life I actually had, instead of the one that never materialized.

 

I wish you a lot of luck with all of it.

[Zapbasket]

I don't know if you can ever really KNOW that your decisions aren't made from residual hurt. At least, you don't know at this juncture. As the years pass, I think the entire experience will fade away and not remain so relevant. I'm just now getting to a point where I feel that my decisions are not some type of reaction to my breakup, so I get where you are coming from. It happens gradually, and I've just begun to notice it. I agree that you are far enough along in your journey to be able to make a healthy decision on whether or not to move.

 

I honestly don't see how your ex couldn't influence that decision in some way though. I feel that all of my life experiences have the the potential to impact my decisions in some way, directly or indirectly. I don't simply see my life as BEFORE and AFTER my ex, but I see the rest of my life as a continuation of experiences that include my time with him. Am I making sense? I think what I'm really trying to say is that you may never be able to completely discern how much moving might have to do with your ex. I don't think it's that black and white.

 

I also think that it's okay to move if you want to get away from your ex, his family, or the memories attached to all of it. That's not running away. Sometimes, the best remedy is to simply remove yourself from a situation because it just causes too many emotional triggers. I also considered moving, but, in the end, where I live is my hometown, not his, so I had many more memories here that don't include him. I have a base of friends that I knew before him. I have family here. I have a career here and a job that I love. I don't think you should view moving as any type of failure. If anything, it might open new doors for you.

 

Everything you and MightyCPA say is much food for thought. I have a hard time viewing a move from here as NOT representing a failure. Social failure. Romantic failure. Failure to fit into this culture. Failure to find what I was looking for. Failure to advance in a career, and instead to take about 25 steps back in career and life.

 

Overall, I think I did a great job, while here, of making lemonade. I have truly shown myself that I can prevail over anything. But if I move, I want to experience a change in the momentum that has been lacking in my life since living here. If I don't walk into something better, I know I will regret leaving here. I know this is indicative of a lot of fear, but that's because I know intimately now how hard things can be when nothing works out as you've hoped. Yes, I prevailed, but through a great deal of pain, strife, loneliness, and feeling at odds with myself

 

What I'm looking for, really, is a place where I feel I belong. I don't really feel that here, and never have. What hurts, still, is that K said to my mother days before we broke up, "GC doesn't belong here. She needs to be in a place where her many talents can be recognized." It hurts that he viewed me as "not belonging." I fear I will never belong anywhere; I've always been a marcher to my own drum beat and that feeling of being an outsider causes me a lot of emotional strife, even while I know I'm generally a very well-liked person, wherever I go. I have the ability to relate to anyone, and I am a very nice person (or I try to be).

 

If I leave here BECAUSE of K and his family and wanting a fresh start, isn't that like admitting defeat? It means K was right, that I don't belong here. I just can't seem to erase this line of thinking.

[mightycpa]

If I leave here BECAUSE of K and his family and wanting a fresh start, isn't that like admitting defeat? It means K was right, that I don't belong here. I just can't seem to erase this line of thinking.

I see it the opposite way. It doesn't matter what others think, it matters what you think. Staying somewhere you feel you don't belong is failure and defeat. Finding where you do belong is victory.

 

Just be thoughtful about your next move, that's all.

[BC1980]

What I'm looking for, really, is a place where I feel I belong. I don't really feel that here, and never have. What hurts, still, is that K said to my mother days before we broke up, "GC doesn't belong here. She needs to be in a place where her many talents can be recognized." It hurts that he viewed me as "not belonging." I fear I will never belong anywhere; I've always been a marcher to my own drum beat and that feeling of being an outsider causes me a lot of emotional strife, even while I know I'm generally a very well-liked person, wherever I go. I have the ability to relate to anyone, and I am a very nice person (or I try to be).

 

If I leave here BECAUSE of K and his family and wanting a fresh start, isn't that like admitting defeat? It means K was right, that I don't belong here. I just can't seem to erase this line of thinking.

 

What if K was right? Do you resist against that idea because it was K who said it? So if K was right, you don't belong with him either. Is that the real issue? I'll be honest. I think it's a great idea to move. The only real satisfaction you get is from the outdoors opportunities, which you could find in any other place. It seems like you have a dogged determination to prove something by staying where you are, but you might doing yourself a disservice in the end.

 

When my ex dumped me, he told me that he didn't love me in the right way. Oh my, I railed against that idea and was so offended. But you know what? He was right. He was never going to be capable of loving me the way I deserved to be loved. As much as I feel he has wronged me, he was right on that account. He knew he could never accept me, and, while I feel his intentions were self-serving, he did do the right thing by leaving me.