Fear I am not progressing well in coping, 2

[Zapbasket]

GC,

 

Simply put, the bridge isn't yours to mend

 

I'm sorry for being dense about this.

 

But:

 

Why isn't it? Why does "his" or "mine" enter into it at all?

[Minneloa]

I'm sorry for being dense about this.

 

But:

 

Why isn't it? Why does "his" or "mine" enter into it at all?

 

Because he broke up with you and requested an end to communication. Since then, for almost a year, he has made no effort to contact you. In this way, he has made it crystal clear that he does not want you in his life and has no interest in repairing the bridge. Why should you take on the task of reaching out to someone who has rejected you so thoroughly? What do you hope to gain by engaging this person who has repeatedly disappointed you, both during the relationship and after the split?

[Zapbasket]

Because he broke up with you and requested an end to communication. Since then, for almost a year, he has made no effort to contact you. In this way, he has made it crystal clear that he does not want you in his life and has no interest in repairing the bridge. Why should you take on the task of reaching out to someone who has rejected you so thoroughly? What do you hope to gain by engaging this person who has repeatedly disappointed you, both during the relationship and after the split?

 

I had a very similar break-up to this one back in 2007 and everyone told me at the time, on LS, that J., my ex, was never going to contact me, clearly wanted to sever contact forever, etc. It took me a long time to accept but I finally managed at least to get to a point where it wasn't on the forefront of my mind. I moved across the country; I got involved in another relationship; I took up new hobbies. And no sooner did I do these things than he called--1 year and 7 months after we'd broken up. I didn't return his call because I was so hurt by how he broke up with me and his subsequent coldness, and all he gave me in his voice message was, "Calling to say hi and hope we can talk in the near future." He sounded very anxious, though...but when I didn't return the call, he didn't try again.

 

I guess, based on that experience and the huge range of confusing messages I got throughout this most recent relationship, that I am confused. There is nothing "crystal clear" about any of this breakup to me, and I think it's what keeps me hanging on. The physical proximity doesn't help, either.

 

SSG may be right that I want to "control" the outcome, but I just don't see it (and it could be my limitation). I want to take responsibility for my continued concern about this situation by requesting that we talk and seeing whether he'd be open to it. As suggested by my earlier experience with J. back in 2007, just because my most recent ex, K., said last October that "the idea of any communication between us is daunting," doesn't mean that he'll feel that way for ever, right? I mean, J. said he never wanted to see or speak to me again and he was so cold and mean in the end, I said to him, "You might want to consider that at some time in the future you might not feel you never want to see or talk to me again, and so you might not want to leave things on these terms." Sure enough, I was right. And when he did call me, he had caused such hurt that returning his call was unthinkable.

 

I am tired of this still affecting me so much and I'm thinking that maybe if I listen to it and take one proactive step, no matter what the response or lack thereof, at least I tried to honor my own feelings.

 

I haven't made a decision on this. So far I went ahead and created the communication, so I could consider it. I composed a note that says only, "K, Please can we talk? ~Green Cove"--and I thought I'd put it in the mail.

 

I don't think this is about getting back together with him.

[Minneloa]

At this point, I don't know how to respond. It seems to me that you are still in denial about the breakup. I don't understand which part of it isn't clear after nearly a year of silence. Yes, you still have lingering questions about the relationship and its demise, but what is there really left to say to your ex? He has made it clear through his (in)actions that he does not want a continued connection with you.

 

However, it is your life and your choice. Perhaps initiating contact will jolt you into reality, because I doubt you are going to experience a happy result, given how high your expectations are and how emotionally dysfunctional your ex appears to be.

 

M.

Edited August 7, 2014 by Minneloa

[sunshinegirl]

If I were standing in front of you, I would pour a bucket of cold water on your head. I would go into your FB account and de-friend him, his mother, and everyone else connected to him. I would drive you to your counselor myself. I would put you on a plane and send you out of state for a month.

 

But not only am I not physically in your presence to do any of the above, it's not my role. YOU have to save yourself. YOU need to start exercising aggressive self-rescue.

 

If you insist on perpetuating the fantasy of making contact, at least acknowledge to yourself that you are deliberately walking toward, and seeking, more pain. It will not end well for you, GC. I guarantee it.

 

At the very least, run your plan by your counselor before you act on it.

[Minneloa]

GC,

 

My last post was a little snippy, and I apologize. I am just having a hard time understanding what it is you hope to gain by talking with your ex, whom you know from a rocky, frustrating three-year relationship is not capable of processing and sharing his feelings in a spirit of open communication. Added to that, he has maintained stone-cold radio silence for a year, which means he is not inclined to speak with you at this time, much less attempt to repair your severed connection. Maybe he is a cowardly man-child. Or maybe he doesn't know what to say and feels guilty for hurting you. Either way, he has not demonstrated a willingness to participate in a dialogue, which is what you seem to want. For that reason, I feel that your idea of contacting him is a doomed errand that will only create more pain for you. Moreover, I wish you could see that the important answers & work & ever-elusive closure will come from inside of YOU, not from him.

 

He has been gone for a long time, GC. I'm sorry. I know it hurts. But I think you need to stop chasing after him in your mind. Until you do, you are preventing yourself from beginning to accept the loss and heal.

 

Sending good thoughts,

M.

[Minneloa]

If I were standing in front of you, I would pour a bucket of cold water on your head. I would go into your FB account and de-friend him, his mother, and everyone else connected to him. I would drive you to your counselor myself. I would put you on a plane and send you out of state for a month.

 

But not only am I not physically in your presence to do any of the above, it's not my role. YOU have to save yourself. YOU need to start exercising aggressive self-rescue.

 

If you insist on perpetuating the fantasy of making contact, at least acknowledge to yourself that you are deliberately walking toward, and seeking, more pain. It will not end well for you, GC. I guarantee it.

 

At the very least, run your plan by your counselor before you act on it.

 

GC,

 

Sunshinegirl is dead-on here.

 

The idea of contacting your ex is a fantasy that seems to allow you to postpone the full acknowledgment that he is gone and perpetuate an ongoing connection to him in your mind and heart. It would be an act of self-harm (and futility) for you to reach out to him, for so many reasons, first of which is that his emotional reticence and inability to communicate are precisely the source of your pain.

 

M.

[Zapbasket]

If I were standing in front of you, I would pour a bucket of cold water on your head. I would go into your FB account and de-friend him, his mother, and everyone else connected to him. I would drive you to your counselor myself. I would put you on a plane and send you out of state for a month.

 

But not only am I not physically in your presence to do any of the above, it's not my role. YOU have to save yourself. YOU need to start exercising aggressive self-rescue.

 

If you insist on perpetuating the fantasy of making contact, at least acknowledge to yourself that you are deliberately walking toward, and seeking, more pain. It will not end well for you, GC. I guarantee it.

 

At the very least, run your plan by your counselor before you act on it.

 

And if I had a friend like you here, who'd be willing to do these things for me, I'd have a lot easier time coping with this. I have had to remain completely mum about every aspect of this breakup, including even having had a relationship with K. People at work mention his mom and her family where clearly they have NO INKLING that I was once so very linked to them all. It is exhausting to shoulder so much hurt in silence.

 

Even just reading this post made me all teary.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Don't shoulder it in silence. Seek a counselor or a pastor, or perhaps even just a friend with few connections to your ex. But as others have said, it is ultimately on you to take the most crucial steps forward. One of these is the acceptance that the relationship is truly over. He is not coming back as a newly improved version of himself. He's not coming back, period, and he has no desire to try again.

 

Think about what realistically is going to happen if you send that letter. You'll feel better for a moment or two, perhaps because you're relieved you've finally done something. But sooner rather than later you'll be overcome with questions: what if he responds negatively? What if he doesn't respond at all? What if his new secret girlfriend writes back to tell you to leave you alone? It's going to trigger an incredibly painful spiral of anxiety, doubt and self-loathing that will reopen all your old wounds all over again until you get your answer.

 

What if his answer is (and this is by far the most likely outcome) more radio silence? How will you cope with the shame and embarrassment of being rejected for just a simple conversation?

 

Nothing about this situation is worth the extraordinary pain you keep inflicting upon yourself again and again. He is not coming back and he never will. But the good news is that there's nothing binding you to him except your own insistence. Start the work to free yourself and move forward.

[sunshinegirl]

And if I had a friend like you here, who'd be willing to do these things for me, I'd have a lot easier time coping with this. I have had to remain completely mum about every aspect of this breakup, including even having had a relationship with K. People at work mention his mom and her family where clearly they have NO INKLING that I was once so very linked to them all. It is exhausting to shoulder so much hurt in silence.

 

Even just reading this post made me all teary.

 

All, right, CUT IT OUT. The pity party stops here, GC.

 

I have known you online for more than 5 years and you know I have been your cheerleader and ally throughout. So this comes from a place of caring. But I am getting frustrated and angry at your lack of self-agency and your unwillingness to acknowledge that, at this point, YOU ARE CREATING YOUR OWN CIRCUMSTANCES.

 

This is what I am seeing:

 

• 
  You've mentioned your best friend, your mom, and your counselor: 3 people who love you and/or have professional ability to help you -- yet you are crying that you are oh so alone and suffering in silence. No you are not, you are apparently just not drawing on the resources you DO have available to you. (You should be seeing your counselor 2-3x/week right now but you have ignored my repeated questions about this.)

• You reject suggestions to consider moving out of state, given the lack of job opportunities, lack of viable dating pool, and too-close quarters in a small town with the ex's family. You somehow think it is more noble to stay in terrible personal circumstances rather than shake off a place that does not serve your professional or personal dreams;

• You have excuses and justifications for why you can't/won't seek medical help/anti-depressants;

• You have excuses and justifications for why you won't delete him/his family/his friends from FB;

• You are (seemingly) taking no steps to self-correct your distorted thinking or turning the focus back to yourself: in recent weeks you have started repeating yourself, asking the same questions you were posing months ago and to which several people responded. Now you are back to being "confused" about everything. It is not confusing, GC, not to anyone else on this planet who reads/knows your story. It is time to recognize that you are letting your brain play tricks on you, over-analyzing what is a simple storyline of a guy who talked and behaved in contradictory ways, hurting you all the while, ultimately couldn't be what you want and need, while you stayed, to your own detriment. It happens, GC. Yours is not a special snowflake situation whose sophisticated relationship dynamic secrets are going to be any further unlocked by ruminating even more, imagining you can puzzle your way through to some kind of path to reconciliation.

• You deliberately initiate contact with people in his life and then do not seem to understand why you are so hurt and confused when you do.

• Rather than recoil from the hot stove that has burned you twice in recent weeks, you are instead considering doubling down and walking into an inferno.

• You don't seem to see that your fantasy of reaching out to K now is repeating, EXACTLY, the dynamic you hated in the relationship: you doing all the work, and doing his work for him (and him still not meeting you half-way). STOP imagining that he's changed but is too ashamed to reach out to you. That is total bull****. Stop pitying a man-child who is incapable of initiating contact. Your 2007 ex's phone call to you was NOT a reconciliation attempt. That is a pathetic interpretation. If that guy had wanted to reconcile with you, he would have called back, showed up at your door, insisted on seeing you, demonstrated change, and moved mountains to fix what was broken. You should insist on nothing less from K or any other man.

 

In doing all of the above, you are robbing yourself of your own future. Every moment you spend looking backward is a moment lost to your own healing and to your walking into a brighter, happier future.

 

I am the first to acknowledge that healing happens on a different time scale for different people. But if you don't start taking steps to stop the above, you will be caught in this doom loop of grief indefinitely.

 

What will you do today to begin your own aggressive self-rescue?

[Zapbasket]

Hey SSG,

 

As usual, you have a great view on things. I can't really respond to each point because in all these areas, right or wrong, I'm being proactive--I am--and doing the best I can. Yes, I'm seeing my therapist twice week. That's all I can afford, and all he has time for with my work schedule / his office schedule. Yes, as I mentioned before, I did go to a PCP back in January, had blood work done, talked extensively about what I was feeling and even said I was willing to consider antidepressants, but even after four visits he still didn't feel they were necessary. And neither did/do I.

 

I talk to my mom and best friend nearly every day; they give me all the time they can and I take it because I know I really need them right now. I traveled to visit my best friend in May, and she'd have come to visit me if she weren't 8 months into a very difficult pregnancy. I need people to talk to here, and on Monday I left work early and sought out a friend of mine here and confided everything to her--how hard of a time I was having, how alone I felt, everything. It's the first time I felt I had the opportunity and enough of a relationship established to really confide in someone I know where I live. It's a small step, but it's a step.

 

The moving thing comprises separate issues that I don't post about. I thought carefully about it and decided that the most prudent thing for me to do was to stay here for the time being and concentrate on looking at the deeper-seated issues I ignored / insufficiently looked at in the distraction of moving after my previous two break-ups. The consequence is that I have to sit with the pain and the acuteness of the loss more, and I decided that as hard as it was, it was wisest to just work quietly through it and then reevaluate my situation when I felt more mentally freed from grief than I am now.

 

Now you are back to being "confused" about everything. It is not confusing, GC, not to anyone else on this planet who reads/knows your story. It is time to recognize that you are letting your brain play tricks on you, over-analyzing what is a simple storyline of a guy who talked and behaved in contradictory ways, hurting you all the while, ultimately couldn't be what you want and need, while you stayed, to your own detriment. It happens, GC. Yours is not a special snowflake situation whose sophisticated relationship dynamic secrets are going to be any further unlocked by ruminating even more, imagining you can puzzle your way through to some kind of path to reconciliation.

 

I have no illusions that mine is a "special snowflake" situation. And I understand exactly what the "summary" of my situation is and that it's as banal as the idea of lost love itself. As this banal situation relates to me, and the relationship I had with K, I don't emotionally understand it. It's one thing to intellectually understand that I was sent conflicting messages; it's another to feel the emotions associated with each conflicting message and wonder which was real, and which wasn't, with my emotions during the relationship first telling me one thing, and then another, and me not knowing how to act. That's what I'm trying to sort through now. I want to learn how better to read my own intuition so that I can be better at setting appropriate boundaries, clearly communicating them, and walking away when they are repeatedly violated despite my repeated attempts to clearly communicate them. I know I'll make it through to better clarity, but the process is hard and yes, confusing. It just is, to ME. I'm fully aware how obvious it is to everyone else, just as it would be obvious to me if I were an onlooker to this situation. That's part of my frustration, too, with where I am in this process. It makes me feel small and dumb and Type A me hates feeling that way.

 

 

• You don't seem to see that your fantasy of reaching out to K now is repeating, EXACTLY, the dynamic you hated in the relationship: you doing all the work, and doing his work for him (and him still not meeting you half-way). STOP imagining that he's changed but is too ashamed to reach out to you. That is total bull****. Stop pitying a man-child who is incapable of initiating contact. Your 2007 ex's phone call to you was NOT a reconciliation attempt. That is a pathetic interpretation. If that guy had wanted to reconcile with you, he would have called back, showed up at your door, insisted on seeing you, demonstrated change, and moved mountains to fix what was broken. You should insist on nothing less from K or any other man.

 

 

Ok, then what WAS my 2007 ex's phone call to me? And why is it such a fallacy that K might be too ashamed to reach out to me? He SHOULD be ashamed--not just in relation to me, but just of himself. No one but a full-on, chronic dick-head could feel good about how he behaved in the relationship. He's not a full-on dick-head but he is pretty clueless about himself and I can imagine he doesn't feel good about his behavior, but also doesn't know why he acted that way, and currently he lacks the ability a) to understand WHY he behaved the way he did and b) to understand how it may have made me feel. And you are RIGHT, SO RIGHT: Why should I pity him for those lacks, and then try to make up for them by reaching out myself? I do have the impulse, because it's what I always did. It's hard to break the habit and that's why I know continued silence from me is the best and only thing so that I can learn when to draw back into myself and let the other person come to the half-way point, or not.

[elseaacych]

Hey, GC, just popping in.

 

I'm sorry to see that you've had a rough go at it lately regarding your relationships with your ex and his mother.

 

Here's a question for you. Can you tell me about another relationship of yours (platonic), that has dissolved recently? What steps did you take in percipitating its end?

[Zapbasket]

Hey, GC, just popping in.

 

I'm sorry to see that you've had a rough go at it lately regarding your relationships with your ex and his mother.

 

Here's a question for you. Can you tell me about another relationship of yours (platonic), that has dissolved recently? What steps did you take in percipitating its end?

 

What steps did I take in precipitating, as in CAUSING, its end? Well, I didn't take such steps.

 

Before all this happened with K, I had what I thought was one female friend here, who was my age and with whom I always had a lot of fun. We had great conversations and I thought she was a person of depth, who cared about our friendship. I didn't think of her as some "best friend," just a woman I'd built a connection with. This winter she told me one evening when we met up for drinks that I was "the only person she'd ever developed a close relationship with." After that night, she completely dropped out on me, and after a couple of months, when I asked her what was up, she was downright nasty. That was it for me. No interest ever in having a friendship with her again, even if she were to contact me to apologize. I am 100% certain that there was NOTHING I did to bring about the dissolution of our friendship, save for offering her something beyond the superficial that even she said she was used to. And I know that is NOTHING for which I need apologize. It sucked, but I don't need a "friend" like that. I don't have answers as to why she behaved as she did, and to be honest, I really don't care. She mattered to me, but not THAT much.

 

I wish I could take that attitude with K. But I had much deeper feelings for him.

 

So of course now I'm curious why you asked this.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Ok, then what WAS my 2007 ex's phone call to me?

 

My guess is that it was an attempt to apologize. I've had exes try to apologize more than a year later. More often than not what they really want is validation that they didn't do anything that bad and that they're fully forgiven. If he had genuinely wanted to reconcile he wouldn't have given up with one phone call.

 

And why is it such a fallacy that K might be too ashamed to reach out to me? He SHOULD be ashamed--not just in relation to me, but just of himself. No one but a full-on, chronic dick-head could feel good about how he behaved in the relationship. He's not a full-on dick-head but he is pretty clueless about himself and I can imagine he doesn't feel good about his behavior, but also doesn't know why he acted that way, and currently he lacks the ability a) to understand WHY he behaved the way he did and b) to understand how it may have made me feel.

 

Even if he were horribly ashamed, he would reach out if he wanted to. The fact is that people, men and women alike, do what they want. He doesn't want to reach out. His reasons are his own and you will probably never know what they are. More importantly, you cannot keep deciding how he ought to feel (in this case, "ashamed" or "not good") about his past behavior. It is equally wrong to claim he doesn't have the ability to understand what he did or why. You don't know more than he does and you have no control over how he feels about the situation. It has been more than a year and he has made no attempt to contact you. If he wanted you back in his life in any way, at all, he'd let you know.

 

I strongly empathize with you because I went through a lot of this after my worst-ever breakup, down to the recognition of my own distorted thinking and inability to change. For almost eight months I was stuck in that same awful groove, obsessively ruminating over every action and inaction and pseudo-action that really only existed in my own head. I couldn't believe that my ex had put me aside just like that, especially in such a cruel and devastating way. But he had and he, several months later, didn't give any thought to it. He wasn't pure evil or anything like that, he just...didn't care anymore. I was the past, over and done.

 

I couldn't make him want me anymore or even make him apologize for tearing my heart out that way. Finally, one day when I was face-down on the kitchen floor sobbing my eyes out, I'd just had enough. I realized my only options were moving on or falling apart completely. SSG's "aggressive self-rescue" is a wonderful term, because that's really what it is: it's not about anyone else, or even anything else. It's you saving yourself before you're consumed by anguish.

 

You may want to look into dialectical behavior therapy (DBT); you can find a specialized DBT therapist or buy workbooks online to practice at home. While DBT was designed for people with borderline personality disorder, it's incredibly helpful for anyone who is sensitive to triggering stimuli or who has destructive coping mechanisms. In your case it might help you while using Facebook or receiving calls from K's relatives (I used it just to hold myself together at work...pathetic, right?). Once DBT has made you stronger and safer, you can begin work on cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), a framework that will help you recognize cognitive distortions and come up with healthier alternatives. I'll tell you right now that CBT is very, very difficult. It requires as much or more effort as you'd put into getting an advanced degree because you're unlearning years or even decades of negative thinking. But you can do it! You can be so much more than you are right now. You don't have to be stuck where you are today and you aren't too weak to take that first step.

 

Look at where you are now. Look at who you want to be and who you want to become, independent of a man or anyone else. There are only four words you need to think about: "It's over. Now what?"

[Zapbasket]

Ok. I appreciate the advice a whole lot, as I have said earlier in this thread. But just because I come on here and vent what is in the back recesses of my mind, does not mean I'm not out there taking steps in my life to get through this. I have done so consistently all year long. There are too many things to list and I don't feel like I need to justify myself, nor is anyone asking me to. Just...yes, I use this site to vent, because it's my only place aside from my therapist's office. I am very distant from the people around me and so this really is an outlet for interaction about my deepest fears. It doesn't mean that in all my other "layers" of living, I'm only dwelling in the space of those fears. You know? So I think there has been a good bit of "aggressive self-rescue" already on my part; it doesn't mean it automatically shuts down all of the hurt and thoughts about K. I am trying to understand my relationships. I am introspective and I take time to examine things. I find this a helpful way to cope, even if the process is slow. I don't care that it's slow; I care that it's thorough and authentic to myself.

 

I have been and am working hard to figure out what my next move should be, as a single person, as myself. That's one of the reasons why I have not just picked up and moved reactively. I have been climbing fourteen-thousand-foot mountains every weekend--sometimes as many as three in a weekend. I have taken up rock climbing. I just signed up for some courses. I have applied to 2 new jobs; didn't get one and have a second interview coming up for the other. I have restructured my current job to fulfill more of my interests and develop more of my unique abilities.

 

I also started up with an online dating site. I'm not really ready but just talking to different men helps.

 

I think I am doing the best I can under the circumstances. No, I haven't just chopped off his mother from my life. And that is okay because doing so has not felt like the most prudent thing to do, though that might change. I'm also just toying with letting what will be, be. Maybe we will become friends; maybe we will gradually break off. She has been one of the kindest, most consistent people to me since I moved to this state, and for that reason alone I feel bound to think twice and thrice before I just cut her off.

 

I need to be able to come to LS to be "weak," so that I can continue to be strong in my actual, non-online life. I list my mother as a source of support, but she is a very challenging presence in my life and just this afternoon cut me off, refusing to talk to me anymore because she doesn't want to deal with me being sad. It's her pattern; it's been like this my whole life and it sucks because literally she is my only family. So yes, when I have these upsetting interactions with her, it makes me think about K and his family and I get sad because I feel alone. And so what? It's really mostly about my pain at not having a family and wanting to be invited into one, and loved, and have it last longer than 3.5 years. It is especially hard today because I have spoken to no one all day, just stayed home, cleaning my apartment that has fallen into a bit of a disarray over the past year.

 

I'm doing the best I can, just as we all are.

[Zapbasket]

My guess is that it was an attempt to apologize. I've had exes try to apologize more than a year later. More often than not what they really want is validation that they didn't do anything that bad and that they're fully forgiven. If he had genuinely wanted to reconcile he wouldn't have given up with one phone call.

 

This is what I thought, too. It was part of the reason why I didn't return his call, even though part of me badly wanted to. I felt like, I had to sort through all the aftermath on my own after the cold way he ended things; why should I help him deal with any residual feelings or guilt? I got the sense that just calling him back would have made him feel as though all was forgiven. Knowing him, it would have been unlikely he'd have broached the subject and outright apologized. He'd just make small talk, and if I was friendly and happy to hear from him, he'd consider his call a job well done.

 

 

 

Even if he were horribly ashamed, he would reach out if he wanted to. The fact is that people, men and women alike, do what they want. He doesn't want to reach out. His reasons are his own and you will probably never know what they are. More importantly, you cannot keep deciding how he ought to feel (in this case, "ashamed" or "not good") about his past behavior. It is equally wrong to claim he doesn't have the ability to understand what he did or why. You don't know more than he does and you have no control over how he feels about the situation. It has been more than a year and he has made no attempt to contact you. If he wanted you back in his life in any way, at all, he'd let you know.

 

I bolded this so that I could re-read it, because it's exactly right and I know it. I just find it really difficult to accept. I mean, he didn't even really TRY in our relationship, at all!!! And then to just quit with no glance back.... It HURTS. Jesus it hurts. It hurts that he doesn't miss me terribly, enough to break him down so that he could have the humility to want to reconcile, and the vulnerability to approach me. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts so freaking bad I just want to yell it, how much it hurts. But I will somehow find a way to full acceptance.

 

I strongly empathize with you because I went through a lot of this after my worst-ever breakup, down to the recognition of my own distorted thinking and inability to change. For almost eight months I was stuck in that same awful groove, obsessively ruminating over every action and inaction and pseudo-action that really only existed in my own head. I couldn't believe that my ex had put me aside just like that, especially in such a cruel and devastating way. But he had and he, several months later, didn't give any thought to it. He wasn't pure evil or anything like that, he just...didn't care anymore. I was the past, over and done.

 

He sounds like a bit of a jerk, though--you can be "over" someone, but that doesn't give a person carte blanche to sever ties in, as you say, "a cruel and devastating way." I sometimes wish there were some kind of Relationship Police that punished people who treated their partners badly. It seems like people can get away with anything, and at least in my experience, it seems no one has the integrity to feel true remorse, and to give a genuine apology. Yeah, I know this reflects my current (low) state of mind. But still....

 

Look at where you are now. Look at who you want to be and who you want to become, independent of a man or anyone else. There are only four words you need to think about: "It's over. Now what?"

 

So...how do I really get there, where the words, "It's over" really means all my hope for some kind of better close to this chapter than what it was is TRULY gone? It seems no matter what I say to myself or do to distract myself or do to work through the feelings very consciously, there is always this residue of hope lurking somewhere. Back with my 2007 ex, I finally moved across the country for the sole purpose of killing any hope that we could reconcile, and I got involved in what proved to be a rebound relationship to distract myself from any hope. I imagined that forced geographic distance could destroy hope. But hope followed me through the move, and even beyond the end of that rebound relationship. It wasn't like I spent years actively wishing for a reconciliation, but there always was this vague wish and nostalgic longing that he'd try reaching out to me again. Now he is married and I wouldn't want to be contacted like that by a married man, so that finally closed off the dregs of hope and I finally feel free of that whole chapter.

 

Is that what I'll have to wait for with K? Something like hearing he is married to kill any hope?

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

First off, I'm glad to hear that you're taking good care of yourself. What is this place for if not for venting and support? I couldn't agree more with your idea for the Relationship Police. If they did exist that one ex of mine would be serving a ten-year sentence at least!

 

...but that's the depressing part about the world. There is no justice, there is no cosmic karma, there is no fairness. You don't get what you deserve. Honestly, one of the only things we can control is ourselves. As hard as that is to master it's really all you need. If we can find peace and acceptance with our circumstances and strive towards positive change in our lives, we can handle anything.

 

If you rely on external circumstances to kill your hopes, you might be suffering for a long time. DBT is based around the notion of "radical self-acceptance"; that even if you don't like your circumstances, they are the natural end result of everything that you have done and that has happened to you in your life. You can't change how you got there, but you're there now, so what are you going to do?

 

It was a long time before I could swallow that concept. I didn't, couldn't, wouldn't accept that this had happened to me and this was where I was now. But you know what? Eventually I realized that denying the reality of my situation didn't make it any less real. And little by little I accustomed myself to the notion that it really was over. Every time I was overwhelmed by grief during the day I would just say "now what?" The past is the past. You can't undo it. What are you going to do with who you are today? Once I discovered I didn't have to live in dark memories of the past or endless hypotheticals in an impossible parallel universe, things got a lot better.

 

You have control over YOU. And you are all you need. You don't need to hope for reconciliation because you channel that optimism into something far more productive: your future.

[elseaacych]

What steps did I take in precipitating, as in CAUSING, its end? Well, I didn't take such steps.

 

[insert GC's story here]

 

I wish I could take that attitude with K. But I had much deeper feelings for him.

 

So of course now I'm curious why you asked this.

 

Well, usually we all have someone in our past that is no longer interested in having a fulfilling relationship with us, through disconnects and life, people come and go. Sometimes people are just mean, in your former friend's case. So, you do what you have to to cut that person out of your life. The parallel I am trying to draw for you, albeit very badly, is that this ghost of a relationship that you are subconsciously trying to carry on is hurting you. I am urging you to look at a time in your life where you wanted to cut someone out of your life and did so. What did you do after that person hurt you, to keep them from being a negative influence on your well being? What benefits came from removing those negative people?

 

It may behoove you to look at the nature of the relationships that you have in your life and develop a sort of checklist of the things that make your friends your friends and ask yourself if your relationship with your ex and his mom stand up to this list. If they do, sure, keep them in your social circle, at the forefront of your thoughts. If they don't, it may be time to actually let them go.

 

A personal example: I asked myself if my ex was really my friend. He hadn't done anything recently to indicate so: (We hadn't talked in several months, He broke up with me, he had a ****ty outlook on life, he didn't encourage me to be the best that I could be, he picked on my brother... etc), so I de-friended him on facebook. I blocked him. I recognized that I was getting hurt every time I saw something from him. So for my health, I let him go. Passively, peacefully. It does not change our past, but it has changed how I feel about my own life and how I can cope with the world now.

 

Look at the past 17 pages of posts. You have written a novel's worth of stuff. I can tell you think really hard about this situation, but I feel you are asking yourself the wrong questions. Rather than using what you know now to make decisions You are using old, unreliable information (your knowledge of your ex before your breakup) to make decisions going forward. Trying to use your ex's wherabouts and actions to think about how you should live your life, is like trying to use last month's forecast to decide whether or not you should wear a raincoat tomorrow because it might be raining. (Not the best simile. Sorry.)

 

tl;dr: You need to focus on what is happening NOW, and how it is impacting your life. You need to stop asking yourself questions you can't answer: (Ie: your ex does something, and you ask what it means...), and instead ask how it impacts you. (Ie. Your ex does something, and you ask how it makes you feel, and what YOU are going to do about it.)

 

By focusing on the CONSEQUENCES of what has occured, it will give you a better semblance of control over your life, and you can take better stock of your relationships, and you can do to either maintain or let them go, based on how you want to live your life. It is kind of like the aggressive self help that ChimpanA-ChimpanZ recommends.

Edited August 10, 2014 by elseaacych

[Zapbasket]

I am urging you to look at a time in your life where you wanted to cut someone out of your life and did so. What did you do after that person hurt you, to keep them from being a negative influence on your well being? What benefits came from removing those negative people?

 

First thought that came to mind re: what benefits came: Self-respect, from taking a stand for myself.

 

I have aggressively cut three friends from my life. "Aggressively," meaning that I confronted them, told them I was done, and then took every measure possible to sever their connection to my life. It was easy, because I was absolutely certain I was seeing their character and behavior correctly, and they had finally pushed my last limit. I came to consider them bad people unworthy of an ounce of attention from me. And now, I don't think of them much, and certainly don't wonder how they're doing in their lives. I truly do not care a whit about them. And these were people to whom I once felt very close! So this PROVES that I have it in me to protect myself and set definite personal boundaries. I guess it's just that by the time I finally guarded my life against these people, I was 100% done with them. All lingering hurt and questions about that behavior had been burned through and were gone. Any love I ever felt for them was gone.

 

I wish that when K sent me his email in October that said, "any communication between us feels daunting," I had immediately cut him from Facebook and severed ties with his mom. Why didn't I? I'm really asking, because I only know part of the answer. The part I know is that I was so surprised with how abruptly he ended things, and after such apathy, that I kept thinking/hoping/believing/feeling convinced he'd come around and at least seek out a face-to-face conversation with me. His mom kept that hope alive, because she, too, felt that he would reach out to me. She would report on things he said about the relationship to her since the breakup, and they were all grumpy, angry things that clearly she didn't put much stock into. She also said he'd been avoiding her, at least through the winter, and so I think we both thought he was just in a big huff and would calm down and seek me out for a conversation.

 

His mom really helped contribute to my continuing to string along.

 

But here's the part I don't understand--and it's why I still haven't unfriended him and his mom. During the relationship I often felt that K could be a real a*shole. I've covered what his a-hole behaviors were extensively on LS. Surely his biggest a-hole move, though, was how he copped out on my mom when she visited here exactly a year ago and asked him why there'd been no proposal when he'd asked permission to ask me to marry him 7 months prior...and then how he ended the relationship...and THEN the refusal to face me in person and send me that weak, blaming email. And now, on top of all that, his not reaching out to me for an entire year, and even (as proven by the two grocery store incidents in recent weeks) going to great lengths to avoid me.

 

So why has none of this been enough to push my outer limit so that I can feel utterly done, sum him up as a jerk, and rid him from my life once and for all, like I did with those three bad friends? What still keeps me in the grips of this? Is it possible that it's because in truth, he's not a bad person, like those three ex-friends? His behavior certainly amounts to that of a person with bad character, or at best, someone so out of touch with himself that he isn't even aware of how his actions affect others (which, again, I say points to bad character when someone is well into adulthood and still at such a low level of awareness). So why do I still love him?

 

And what's worse (and I'll just come out and admit it): I know I still have them on FB because I'm still hoping for some kind of contact from him. After all, he hasn't unfriended me, or even limited my access to his page save for re-blocking me on chat after the latest grocery store encounter. I just keep having this strong conviction that he WILL contact me...though I admit it's based on zero evidence save for the feeling in my heart--and we know that hearts lie as much as they tell the truth.

 

Is it because on some level I still have confusion and doubts about what I experienced in the relationship with him?

[mightycpa]

I feel compelled to chime in. WHY? That was the question?

 

What difference does it make? It is the wrong thing to do, regardless. Does it matter if it is because you want reconciliation vs. because you're a drama queen?

 

I'd say it doesn't matter in the least. All that matters is that you won't pull the plug. You're the only one who can. So either do it now, or wonder about it until you do it later. Nothing will change until you do.

[Zapbasket]

I feel compelled to chime in. WHY? That was the question?

 

What difference does it make? It is the wrong thing to do, regardless. Does it matter if it is because you want reconciliation vs. because you're a drama queen?

 

I'd say it doesn't matter in the least. All that matters is that you won't pull the plug. You're the only one who can. So either do it now, or wonder about it until you do it later. Nothing will change until you do.

 

Well I seem to be unable to find this elusive plug in my head. That's the real plug causing the problems, no?--not f*cking Facebook. So, that's A. B., the whole question I raised is that for some reason, in THIS case, it HASN'T felt like the right thing to do. And I don't know why, except that I feel his mother really hasn't helped, but I didn't cut her off because we work together and contact with her is constant and inevitable. I HAVE TRIED TO DO THE RIGHT THING. To me, I will do everything possible before I cut people off, unless I frankly never cared for them, anyway--and even then, I try to be kind.

 

Jesus, people, I am really trying. I realize for some of you it is easier. Clearly, if this were "easy" for me, I probably wouldn't have spent 3.5 years in a relationship with this person. This may well be THE conflict I have to solve in order to draw closer to the life I want. I'm trying to understand what enables me to pull the plug on people since my past clearly demonstrates that I have the ability. So why am I struggling so hard in this case??? Again, this is not so much about FAcebook than about my own mind and heart. If that were straight, then whether or not they were still on FB wouldn't make a bean of difference.

[Zapbasket]

I'm sorry if I'm sounding snippy. It finally has come into my awareness that it's entirely possible K and I are never going to interact meaningfully again. All year I never even considered that a real possibility. I hurt so f*cking bad. Today I'm dealing with it by staying home and cleaning my home from top to bottom, just trying to purge physically what I can't purge mentally, in hopes the former will help with the latter.

 

But it hurts so so sososososo bad. It just never seemed like it had to be this way. I never saw this as even a remote possibility

[mightycpa]

Reading through your posts, it seems to me that you've done the right thing, but only after agonizing about it.

 

Stop agonizing. Accept that your head and your heart are at odds, and let your head take charge. Tell your heart that it will continue to be disappointed until it gets with the program. Let rationality take over and ignore the sentiment. Stop worrying about WHY. There's nothing wrong with you.

 

I would suggest to you that maybe you don't actually feel love. Try to remember what love feels like. It is happy and hopeful. IT doesn't worry and it certainly doesn't feel the way you seem to feel. You are dealing with grief and regret, it seems to me. Embrace the grief, but don't indulge its urges. Just feel it, and stop wondering why. Let your heart be your heart, and put your head in charge. Don't pay any heed to the second guessing, which is natural. Just acknowledge the natural and emotional doubt, and move on.

 

I'd bet that your head will tell you to get busy with something else when you start asking why. Take your head's advice.

Edited August 10, 2014 by mightycpa

[Zapbasket]

Here's something I don't understand:

 

Why does it seem that sometimes it requires a breakup to motivate self-improvement? I mean, if a relationship mattered enough to you that the loss of it, and the resulting combination of pain and freedom motivated change, then wouldn't it motivate you while you were in it?

[elseaacych]

I'm sorry if I'm sounding snippy. It finally has come into my awareness that it's entirely possible K and I are never going to interact meaningfully again. All year I never even considered that a real possibility. I hurt so f*cking bad. Today I'm dealing with it by staying home and cleaning my home from top to bottom, just trying to purge physically what I can't purge mentally, in hopes the former will help with the latter.

 

But it hurts so so sososososo bad. It just never seemed like it had to be this way. I never saw this as even a remote possibility

 

I know that feeling, GC, it does suck to know that there is a very likely possibility that you would never speak to your ex again.

 

But really, would it be such a bad thing? How do you think your life would be different if he never spoke to you again? 5 years from now? 10, and still nothing? 50?

 

I know some of my posts may not come across as the most supportive, and I know I ask a whole lot of questions. I only ask these questions because when people ask me questions and I have to come to the answer myself, the realization is empowering. But just know that I, and everyone else here is in your corner.