Fear I am not progressing well in coping, 2

[Zapbasket]

You are probably grieving other losses besides your ex. I'm 33, and I am like you now. Grieving possibly never having a child, grieving what I thought my life would be like at this point. My other breakups weren't nearly this bad, but, for me, this breakup signified something different.

 

YES. Big, big yes. I have to go out but will reply to this and other posts when I get back.

 

It's so great to be able to be in the company of fellow mourners. Where I live, no one even knows I'm going through this .

[BC1980]

YES. Big, big yes. I have to go out but will reply to this and other posts when I get back.

 

It's so great to be able to be in the company of fellow mourners. Where I live, no one even knows I'm going through this .

 

It can be isolating because there is this perception that we should bounce back pretty quickly from breakups. The other person treated you badly, so you should get over them, right? It doesn't work that way unfortunately, and people don't understand unless they have been through it. My family wasn't that big of a help, but I did also keep a lot from them. I didn't want to burden them with how badly I was doing. I did find solace with two friends who had been though similar situations. They were so much help, and I am so lucky to have them.

 

Maybe I didn't fully grieve my past breakups because this one hit me like a freight train. I think my age has a lot to do with it too. I feel like I'm facing yet another failed relationship, and I had invested more in this one than in any others. All of my friends are married with kids except one, so I feel alone sometimes. People don't realize that you grieve so much more than the actual person, which is bad enough. It's difficult enough to grieve the attachment of a person, but it seems almost cruel to pile all of this other sh*t on top of it. Like kicking me when I'm down.

[BC1980]

I guess my [albeit pain-tinged, fear-driven] thinking has been: better to have to encounter unpleasant facts from the privacy of my home, in front of the internet, than to be out and about and have some piece of unpleasant news mashed in my face.

 

What if, for example, I had no idea he was dating? My fantasies would lead me to imagine that he is thinking about our relationship, missing me, thinking about his role in its demise, and gearing up to contact me. It would therefore be that much more of a gut-wrenching dip when I saw him and a new girlfriend out at brunch. At least this way, though I dread the day, I know it is more than likely.

 

Am I thinking about this the wrong way? When I say we live in a small town, and close by one another, I mean it's SMALL.

 

I think you are putting too much emphasis on him. All of your decisions are being made based on what he might or might not be doing. It's not fair for you to live that way. I think we have to be aware that at some point, our exes will move on. I'm not saying we need to rub our faces in it, but we have to be aware that the possibility exists. It's just a fact of life that we have to realize our exes are out there somewhere, doing something.

 

My city is 500,000 people, so the chances of running into him are small. Unfortunately, we used to work together, so there are many people who still know him where I work. I always worry that I will hear something I don't want to, but I refuse to give it power over me. You can only let it have as much power are you give it.

[mtnbiker3000]

My family wasn't that big of a help, but I did also keep a lot from them. I didn't want to burden them with how badly I was doing.

 

Just an observation...

 

This is an example of what I do (and possibly you do as well) in many, many situations without even realizing it. And that is to put others wants and needs above my own. Try to hide the fact that I feel inadequate or unworthy or made mistakes. That there surely must be something wrong with me and the way I feel about a situation.

 

I know I have been doing this for years and years. Sometimes consciously, sometimes unconsciously.

[BC1980]

Just an observation...

 

This is an example of what I do (and possibly you do as well) in many, many situations without even realizing it. And that is to put others wants and needs above my own. Try to hide the fact that I feel inadequate or unworthy or made mistakes. That there surely must be something wrong with me and the way I feel about a situation.

 

I know I have been doing this for years and years. Sometimes consciously, sometimes unconsciously.

 

I know I have been doing this for years. I struggled with whether or not to tell them how badly I was doing because I didn't want to scare them. I don't know if I did the right thing. My mom had just gone back to school, and her mother nearly died and stayed in the hospital for 2 months. My grandfather had a major surgery. My dad's mother died during all of this too. I just felt that they were depleted emotionally, and I didn't want to add to it.

 

I know that in my relationships with men, I have consistently put their feelings above my own. I remember my ex wanting me to meet him at a restaurant with his son that was 30 minutes from where I worked. Keep in mind I was going to have to get up at 5:00 am the next day and go to work, so I asked if we could go somewhere closer to home. Of course, I was told no and that I needed to be more flexible. Sad part is that I ended up going to that restaurant. It's my fault though because I was the one who agreed that my wants were less than his. Stuff like that happened all the time, and it just makes me sad that I so rarely stood up for myself. I guess it just makes me mad because it was always inferred that I could have opinions, wants, and needs, but his were more valid. Of course, he did that with everyone, even his own son, so I try not to take it personally.

[elseaacych]

The worst thing anyone can do is let themselves be consumed by their relationship or define their life by it. If you are afraid that the other person will leave because you express your needs once and always feel you need to kowtow to their needs, you make their leaving a whole lot worse, for you.

 

It is too much to ask of one person for them to be your "everything".

[Zapbasket]

Its very hard loving someone who is not very careful with your heart.

 

Thanks; I need to remember this. I started another thread in the General Relationship Discussion forum, asking people's thoughts on what inspires/spurs people to change: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/477119-guys-question-about-change. I end up in relationships with men who have deep-seated defenses against intimacy and a lack of self-awareness. They'd say they wanted to be less closed off, and that would be my magnet: I'd try to help them. (My magnet--and I don't know why yet--is someone who is closed off and suffering for it in ways they do or do not recognize, and who expresses a wish to open up more.) At first I'd be patient, but when there was no change coupled with denial of the issues and blaming me for what was amiss in our relationship and even in their individual lives, I'd get frustrated, calling them out on their bad behavior, which only made them more defensive, more blaming and more closed off. So then I'd get furious, and they'd break up with me citing my "anger" as the culprit.

 

On that thread, people talk a lot about the importance of choosing partners who are not perfect, certainly, but who are willing and able to acknowledge their issues and are motivated to seek change, for themselves and for the relationship. Basically the message there is, "Choose healthier partners."

 

And what you say here is exactly why. If you spend a whole relationship trying to "fix" an unhealthy partner who may or may not want to be fixed, eventually that person is going to leave or hurt you with the very things you are hoping they will change. So what's the value in that? It's like a GUARANTEE that you will get hurt.

 

And I think I and several others of us posting to this thread might choose relationships with unhealthy partners precisely BECAUSE it will inevitably reinforce negative beliefs we have about ourselves. I'm just beginning to recognize this in myself, though only intellectually do I fully understand it. Emotionally it makes NO SENSE: Why on earth would I want this hurt? The repeat instances of the same kind of hurt across three unfulfilling relationships has overtaken the past ten years of my life. There was not a day that went by in this time that I did not feel strong desire for a beautiful, mutually fulfilling and happy relationship, and yet this sinister, dark part of me ended up calling all the shots. It's SCARY, and I desperately want to change myself, and I'm in therapy, but I fear: what if I can't change?

[Zapbasket]

I know contact is futile. So either I receive contact from her stating her mistake or we never speak again... harder is getting over the loss and missing her

 

BC1980

I really resisted accepting my breakup, which is why I stayed in contact. I kept thinking he would change his mind.

 

Oh, is that ever the rub. Is that ever, ever the rub.

 

Earlier this week I had a meltdown. My emotions were all over the place after recently finding my ex on a dating site. And then, on Wednesday I saw him around 6 p.m. pulling out of the grocery store parking lot as I drove by on the road he was about to turn onto. He was behind me and I expected that once we got to the light, we'd both turn right, me to go a mile up the road to my house, him to go a quarter mile up the road to his. But he turned left, and my imagination lit on fire: he's going on a date, oh my God. I made that mental leap because I thought, why would you go to the grocery right before going out? And my mind answered, to get flowers, or (because there is a liquor store next to the grocery) to get wine. I freaked out, and spent the next hour in my car, looking for his truck, wondering where the hell he could have gone, and with whom. I called my best friend and she talked me out of my crazy and I went home soaking wet with my own tears.

 

I told my therapist the next day what I'd done, and he again gently encouraged me to stop looking for my ex on the dating site and checking up on his messenger time stamps on Facebook. He asked me what I thought it would accomplish if I had seen his truck outside a restaurant or at a new place, and reminded me that still it wouldn't necessarily mean he was on a date, but again what if he was? I said, "I just would want to see where he'd gone." And my therapist replied, "And? Then what?" I said, "Well then I'd know." "And then what?" my therapist asked. "Well maybe at that point I'd just burst in and yell at him!" And we both laughed but I saw what he was getting at: where does this piecemeal, very incomplete knowledge of my ex's whereabouts and activities really get me, at this point?

 

And I started to cry and burst out, "It's all I have left of him! It's all I have left of us, and of thinking we'd get married and I'd be part of his family whom I love so much and we'd live in this beautiful state, in the mountains, and one day we'd live on his family ranch, and I'd be Auntie to his precious nieces with whom I had such a great relationship and they'd be cousins to the beautiful, talented children I knew we'd have. And, it's a way to cling to the person I thought he was, the person I SO WANTED to believe he was, who would think about his role in what got us here, and instead of leaving with, "I feel I'm always two steps behind you; I can't give you what you want" he'd come back and say, "I'm sorry I couldn't step up a year ago, but I have really organized my life and I want you in it and can we try again and I promise to take a good look at myself and to work on the relationship with you, and, GC, I love you."

 

But, I'm starting to see that such a scenario is very unlikely. Not because he's on a dating site, but because of everything I know about him from our relationship of 3.5 years and from how he slinked away from it in the end. He'd have to do a complete 180 of such psychological depth it would literally be like a mountain standing up on hidden legs and walking one-hundred yards in the space of an hour. 180s are rare as it is, but when they do come about, even after an instigating traumatic event, they happen over a long stretch of time.

 

And yet, knowing this, to take that final action of blocking him on FB, going NC on his mother and ceasing to look for him on the dating site, feels just gut-wrenching. I feel like I'm not up to it yet. And I'm angry at myself for it, because I know that the longer I hang on to this person who proved, over three plus years, that he was unable to participate in an intimate relationship in the way I need and then proved that he was unable or unwilling even to try, the longer it will take for me to ready my life to meet the person who IS able.

 

So the fear goes two ways: fear of letting go of what I know and love, and then fear that what I'd relinquish my ex FOR is somehow not accessible to me, not possible for me.

 

Sorry this is long but a) I thought especially Fred and BC1980 could relate, as well as others, and b) I wanted to give a different narrative to what is usually on here, that makes cutting those final cords seem much easier and more cut and dry than it actually is, I believe for any of us.

 

I so hate to say goodbye

[FredJones80]

Sorry this is long but a) I thought especially Fred and BC1980 could relate, as well as others, and b) I wanted to give a different narrative to what is usually on here, that makes cutting those final cords seem much easier and more cut and dry than it actually is, I believe for any of us.

 

I so hate to say goodbye

 

I guess everyone is different and everyone progresses at their own pace.

 

I think the simple fact is you stall any moving forward while you continue to check those things.

 

As I said, I spent two weeks fighting the urge for contact and checking up, then I wrote a huge email, sent it off to which I got no reply (even though I know she read it) and then thought... f**k it, if there is contact to be had then she needs to contact me, I'm worth it, our r/s was worth it, if she doesn't think so then her loss.

 

However that doesn't make it ANY easier to get over her, I still think nearly 24/7, still wake up, still go to bed with her in my thoughts, still cry EVERY damn day.

 

But still having contact or snooping wouldn't change that, so why bother?

[me0wth]

You still have the most important thing on this Earth in your life:

 

You have your self. It's back and it is yours. You can do anything that you want and you have no one to commit yourself to. If you are depressed, all that you need to do is find things in life that make you happy. Do you like to read? Work on cars? Have an idea for a business? Do you need to save money? Have you ever been to another country? Have you ever learned a new language? Got a degree yet? Ever wanted to adopt a child?

 

Have you gone swimming in cold water while naked like those crazy people up north? When is the last time that you tried painting? Is your room clean? Need hardwood flooring? Are there any cool restaurants in town? Ever thought about religion? What are your friends up to?

 

The list goes on. You can do whatever you want to do and no one can hold you back!

[Minneloa]

GC, I think it's great that you understand your own motivations for keeping in contact and your resistance to cutting the last ties, but the fact remains that NC is your best possible choice at this juncture. It's not going to feel good at first, but it will eventually help you emotionally detach and expedite your healing. I understand that everyone moves at their own pace, but NC is probably not going to become an appealing option anytime soon, so I would encourage you just to do it, even if you don't want to, even if it makes you terribly sad. Just rip the bandaid off, today; dump out those rancid old scraps (your metaphor) and allow yourself the freedom to move forward. Otherwise, you could stay in this limbo indefinitely. I say this gently and with empathy as a fellow introspective and nostalgic analyzer: now is the time for action. It is possible to honor and acknowledge your feelings and then override them to make a logical choice that is in your best interest.

 

Sending good thoughts,

M.

[Minneloa]

P.S. You mention that your narrative is different, but I think most people on this forum struggle and resist and go into NC kicking and screaming and with many false starts and failed attempts. It's not an easy process, and it's not a simple solution to heartbreak. What it does, however, is stop the flow of information and interaction that keeps a person emotionally attached to their ex. I know you do not want to detach from your ex, few of us here did, but there's unfortunately there's no other healthy option at this point. The other option leaves you stranded in a fantasy, keeping alive a connection that, sadly, no longer exists. No contact forces you to immerse yourself in the cold new reality. It's painful, it's unpopular, but it is effective. As I said before, you might be surprised by the emotional relief and peace of mind NC could bring you; so much of your mental energy is wrapped up in your ex right now, and it could be redirected to other concerns once the stimuli is removed.

[BC1980]

P.S. You mention that your narrative is different, but I think most people on this forum struggle and resist and go into NC kicking and screaming and with many false starts and failed attempts. It's not an easy process, and it's not a simple solution to heartbreak. What it does, however, is stop the flow of information and interaction that keeps a person emotionally attached to their ex. I know you do not want to detach from your ex, few of us here did, but there's unfortunately there's no other healthy option at this point. The other option leaves you stranded in a fantasy, keeping alive a connection that, sadly, no longer exists. No contact forces you to immerse yourself in the cold new reality. It's painful, it's unpopular, but it is effective. As I said before, you might be surprised by the emotional relief and peace of mind NC could bring you; so much of your mental energy is wrapped up in your ex right now, and it could be redirected to other concerns once the stimuli is removed.

 

^^^This. Pretty much everyone resists going NC, and it does feel "wrong" many times. However, it is very effective at stopping any information from coming in that causes you to spiral. Eventually, you find yourself focusing on yourself more and more because there is no more information about your ex to filter in. Honestly, it took me a good 3 months of NC to feel better, to feel like I could breath again.

 

It's funny because our minds love to fantasize about things that have no bearing in reality. My ex made it clear we were over, but I persisted in this idea that he would change his mind. I left the door open, and it created a huge vulnerability in me. You have no choice but to go NC. No, it's not a choice you wanted. None of us wanted to pick between the choices we were given, and it's not fair. It's not fun. It sucks so much, and it's okay to feel that way.

 

I really feel that until you go NC, your therapy can only do you so good. There is only so much progress any of us can make if we keep the metaphorical door open and keep checking social media, ect.

[FredJones80]

I really feel that until you go NC, your therapy can only do you so good. There is only so much progress any of us can make if we keep the metaphorical door open and keep checking social media, ect.

 

On a plus side, my ex obviously didn't want me in her life anymore, so NC works both ways, I don't contact her, she gets to hear nothing about me

 

I closed my social media and removed all types of social contact.

 

Hope it bugs her as much as it does me.. if you can hear nothing about someone after so long and it not bother you then you don't deserve to be with me in the first place

 

Restorative justice.

[Zapbasket]

Do any of you have this feeling that won't go away no matter what angle you look at your ex or at the relationship? It's this feeling that it's all somehow not finished. I don't know how to describe it exactly. A sense that there are things left to be said.

 

Sometimes I think about writing a letter. Not mailing it, because I do strongly feel that my ex needs to make the first move if there is a move made. But writing a letter to try to articulate whatever it is that I feel needs to be said. But when I sit down to write it, I realize that this feeling of unfinished business isn't really encapusate-able in words.

 

Is this my mind/heart playing tricks on me? Is it wishful thinking? I try to write it off as such, but it keeps coming back, every day. I've not felt this before, not like this. As time passes, the feeling does not lessen.

 

This is the source of a lot of heartache. Maybe I'm wrong about not being the one to contact him? I don't know. It's just yet another piece of the confusion.

[FredJones80]

This is the source of a lot of heartache. Maybe I'm wrong about not being the one to contact him? I don't know. It's just yet another piece of the confusion.

 

The problem with things "unsaid" is there are always going to be more. Just one more this, one more that, if only I said this or that. This is called "hope" is it is probably why you're thinking things aren't finished.

[Zapbasket]

P.S. You mention that your narrative is different, but I think most people on this forum struggle and resist and go into NC kicking and screaming and with many false starts and failed attempts. It's not an easy process, and it's not a simple solution to heartbreak.

 

Sorry, I wasn't clear in my post. I never meant to imply that going full-on NC wasn't very hard, for everyone. I meant that precisely because of that, I wanted to write out my full struggle as one who is not QUITE there with going full-on NC. I thought it might help others who are in this limbo.

 

Re: the rest of your post, if I go full NC, how will that help me deal with our physical proximity, the fact that I work with his mom, and the fact that he has 5 other family members in our valley who also all live down the street from me? How do I navigate all that, so that I can go to restaurants and out and not have fear of an unexpected encounter, that might mash in my face like a demolition ball a whole host of unpleasant knowledge?

[Zapbasket]

The problem with things "unsaid" is there are always going to be more. Just one more this, one more that, if only I said this or that. This is called "hope" is it is probably why you're thinking things aren't finished.

 

Maybe, too, it's feeling all the effects of the fact that my ex was a closed off person who fought intimacy? And so of course when he ended it it wasn't done with care and felt rather closed off and negating because that's how he was in much of the relationship, unintentionally, perhaps, but it was there?

 

I often said I felt I was dating two versions of my ex--one who was sweet and fun and whom I loved to be around, and one who was prone to being irritable, derisive, impatient, fractious and provocative. I spent much of the relationship eagerly waiting for the breadcrumbs of the first version, and never felt it was "enough." So maybe that's what I'm feeling now?

[mtnbiker3000]

If I recall, your still pretty fresh from your breakup. It's all still very raw and intense. Your mind is spinning at a million miles an hour. At this point, all you can do is wait a bit until you can get a little more of a handle on it. You simply can't really process or manage it yet.

 

So, just distract yourself as best you can for a while and let the dust settle before you try and get into the meat of your recovery. Of course NC is vital at this point. If you stay in contact you will forever remain in this funk. And I don't have to tell you, it's no fun!!

[Minneloa]

Sorry, I wasn't clear in my post. I never meant to imply that going full-on NC wasn't very hard, for everyone. I meant that precisely because of that, I wanted to write out my full struggle as one who is not QUITE there with going full-on NC. I thought it might help others who are in this limbo.

 

Re: the rest of your post, if I go full NC, how will that help me deal with our physical proximity, the fact that I work with his mom, and the fact that he has 5 other family members in our valley who also all live down the street from me? How do I navigate all that, so that I can go to restaurants and out and not have fear of an unexpected encounter, that might mash in my face like a demolition ball a whole host of unpleasant knowledge?

 

Fundamentally, it's a perspective shift. NC helps by allowing you to clear your head and take your focus off your ex and what he may or may not be doing in his life. Right now, you are consumed with fears and fantasies about him (and feeding these through seeking out information about him online) so he looms very large in your mind and the idea of a chance encounter seems epic and disastrous. While you can't control whether or not you randomly run into him, you can decide to start the process of detaching emotionally from him by blocking & deleting him online. This, in turn, will gradually help restore perspective and lessen your intense focus on him, so that a chance meeting will no longer strike such fear in your heart. He will become, slowly, just somebody that you used to know. It's sad, but it's a necessary step for you to reclaim your life.

[Humblebumble]

I want you to know your doing great. You've heard it a lot but everyone heals differently, and it also depends on the circumstances of the situation.

 

I was in a one month relationship, and as crazy at is it sounds, it should be a year soon, and I'm not over it. Please don't judge me, you see our circumstances were different, the whole break up was different. But the point is, what you receive from them, what they show you they feel after, how they cope with the break up does a lot for you. Just hang on and always stay strong.

 

Truly wish you the best!!

[BC1980]

Fundamentally, it's a perspective shift. NC helps by allowing you to clear your head and take your focus off your ex and what he may or may not be doing in his life. Right now, you are consumed with fears and fantasies about him (and feeding these through seeking out information about him online) so he looms very large in your mind and the idea of a chance encounter seems epic and disastrous. While you can't control whether or not you randomly run into him, you can decide to start the process of detaching emotionally from him by blocking & deleting him online. This, in turn, will gradually help restore perspective and lessen your intense focus on him, so that a chance meeting will no longer strike such fear in your heart. He will become, slowly, just somebody that you used to know. It's sad, but it's a necessary step for you to reclaim your life.

 

I think it was hard for me to go NC because I didn't want my ex to become just some random person I used to know. I resisted that idea because it was so heartbreaking, and it's also so odd. To go from sharing your life with someone to having no ties. . . . it's hard to comprehend. Ultimately, we must detach because it's about survival.

 

Unfortunately, we simply must accept that we do detach and move on from our exes. By following him online, it allows OP to carry out a relationship in a sort of alternate plane. It becomes even more time consuming than when we were in the actual relationship. At least, that was my experience before I went NC.

[Zapbasket]

I really appreciate hearing people's experience.

 

Okay. Please don't come down hard on me. I am having an awful time. Intellectually I completely see your collective wisdom about going NC electronically (since in terms of actual communication my ex and I have been NC since October 13, though I have been in regular contact with his mom).

 

I get it, but I don't quite feel ready to cut the electronic cord. I just don't. Right now I know that if I were to unfriend him, his mom and sister from FB, deactivate my online dating account, and tell his mom that I just can't keep up contact with her until I've come further in my healing, I'd still cave and find a way to snoop regardless. Maybe that's weak and pathetic of me, but it's where I am. I need to work through this part, that's holding me back:

 

I have too many unanswered questions. I'm still working through what was wrong in our relationship, why I stayed despite difficulties I plainly saw from the beginning, and how/why he was so willing to give up on us as well as on the therapy he started and said was so helpful. Some of these unanswered questions I am answering and can answer myself, through interacting with you all here, through conversations with close friends and family, and in my weekly therapy as well as books.

 

And some questions, if I'm being completely honest (and again, please don't be harsh on me), I am waiting on him to answer. For instance, why has HE not deleted ME from FB? And why does he want to go online (he has been spending HOURS on that dating site, even while at work) and sift through all those vapid profiles when everything he says on his profile that he's looking for in a relationship and in a partner, he had with me? Why did he tell me he needed to "focus on himself" because, in his words, "My focus right now is trying to figure out what's tripping me up. It's clear that something, perhaps many things, are keeping me restrained. ANd to be true to me, and also you, I need to focus on myself. It's a hard truth to face as a 38-year-old male." Literally the DAY AFTER he wrote that in an email to me last October, he cancelled his therapy session and never returned. Surely spending hours out of the day on a dating site is not focusing on himself. I know for a fact that he has not begun to resolve the issues that were keeping him restrained.

 

I loved him a lot, and his family, too. They collectively were a huge swath of the fabric of my life here. I had adopted them all in my heart, and I stayed with K. (my ex) because I saw the good in him amidst all the issues.

 

Yes, there is fear holding me back. I saw what else is on that dating site. Frankly my ex's profile is more desirable than any of the others on the site, who mostly read like man-children obsessed with their recreational pursuits and outdoor toys and not pursuing any real purpose. That's a known problem where I live. So if I want to find the kind of man I want, I may have to move from here, which is too bad because this place holds the kind of LIFE I want. I don't want to up and move yet again as part of the aftermath of a break-up; I've done it twice in a row and I don't want to do it again.

 

Anyway, there it is. I do feel shame that I can't cut it all off, but I can't be somewhere emotionally where I'm not. If only I could leave town for a few months on some kind of service adventure, as that would force the NC I can't bring myself to do. But I need my job and I'm really trying to build a life here. I know it sounds like all I do is spy online on my ex, and maybe in the last week or two that's what I've done, but since the breakup I've gotten out there and made a lot of good things happen for me. Nevertheless, I know the advice you all have given to go full NC is the right advice, and I am ashamed that I cannot follow it just yet

 

I really have a problem with verbosity and I apologize for all these long posts. Hopefully others can relate and reading this makes you feel less alone. This site is a godsend.

[BC1980]

GreenCove, I can promise you that no one is going to shame your or let you have it because you are struggling to implement NC. Most of us have been where you are, and many of us struggled with NC.

 

You say you have too many unanswered questions, but what is following your ex on social media going to answer? What is talking to his friends and family going to answer that is hasn't already? Do you know that over a year later, I still don't know why my breakup occurred? I couldn't give you a definitive reason other than he didn't see a future with me. That is the reason. Constantly searching for answers to all of these questions will drive you insane. No amount of contact with him or his family will give you any answers you are looking for because the only answer you want to hear is that he is changing his mind.

 

You said you are waiting on him to answer you. You are wondering why he hasn't deleted you on FB and why he is on a dating website? Again, I would ask what following him on social media answers? What answers are you currently getting or hoping to get in the future? Are you saying that if he deletes you from FB that is some sort of answer that it's really over? Because it's been over for awhile from what I can gather, probably even before it officially ended.

 

Basically, you are correct that it is fear. There is a lot of fear in going NC because it is not reactionary. Up until now, everything you have done has been in reaction to him. The choice to go NC is YOU moving on, and that is hard to do.

 

I understand losing the family. There is a lot of collateral damage that goes into these major breakups when you have been involved with the family for years. I actually cared for my ex's child for 3 years because his mother died years ago. Believe me, I understand collateral damage. I was close with my ex's sister, and I probably won't see her anytime soon now. It sucks, and I'm sorry.

 

You are hanging onto a dead relationship, as I did, as many of us have. Right now, you are simply delaying the inevitable of what has to happen.

[Zapbasket]

You say you have too many unanswered questions, but what is following your ex on social media going to answer? What is talking to his friends and family going to answer that is hasn't already?

Well, so far it did serve the purpose of showing me his true maturity levels. I got caught in the relationship because I kept focusing on his considerable potential and wrongfully minimized the very obvious psychological blocks he had to reaching anything close to his potential. Right after the breakup, I panicked that he was now going to be spurred, after years of apathy with me, to pull his sh*t together. I panicked that he would suddenly start socializing and bringing people into his life rather than living like a hermit as he did while we were together, which was hard for me as I was new to the area when we started dating and other than his family, he did not introduce me to ONE PERSON. In the end, he blamed me for this----and that sent me in a tailspin of confusion and self-blame even while logically I knew that that was all on him; how could I have been expected to have a social life built up?

 

And through my spying over the months after the breakup, I saw that he did not really meet many new people, that he only stuck by what and whom he already knew and continued not to exhibit much get up and go. This proved my therapist right, that K. would only change, if at all, after extensive therapy to heal his narcissistic wounds.

 

And then, in conversations with his mom, I learned that he staunchly avoided her and refused to talk about the relationship with her. He yelled at her that I was in therapy to figure out why I chose the wrong guys (he wasn't entirely wrong about that!) and yelled to his mother that while I am a "wonderful person," he would rather be alone than in a relationship where he argued with someone all the time. And, his mother was the one who informed me that he quit therapy and never resumed. Without her input, I'd have imagined that he was chastened by the loss of me from his life, and was beginning to look at his role in our relationship dynamics, especially the "arguing," which he loved to instigate so to then say that's why he couldn't be with me is just... and ????. Crazy.

 

And then the dating site. Yeah it hurts because it represents a rejection of me, but it also shows how deluded he is about the extent of his issues that affected not only our relationship, but his whole life. It shows he must not have much going on in his life if he's on that site every waking minute, practically.

 

So in sum, all this spying served to take him off this pedestal that I then used to flagellate myself. I have to keep working at not flagellating myself, regardless; that's my big downfall across the board. But now I see that he was not and is not what and who I believed him to be. He has acted so much LESS than I gave him credit for. Meanwhile, all the while during the relationship he was showing me where he was emotionally and in terms of his maturity for a healthy relationship. I just did not listen and that's what I'm trying to figure out in therapy: why I didn't see it. Why I gave him credit at the expense of my own well being.

 

the only answer you want to hear is that he is changing his mind.

If he changed his mind, then I'd not have to learn it from any other source than him as he'd be reaching out to me.

 

I want to see concrete proof that he is less than I gave him credit for. I don't like how he treated me in the relationship or in how he exited it, which was SO DISRESPECTFUL, and while I know it's not nice I honestly don't think he deserves to be happy until he has been forced through some calamity or whatever it takes to look at his issues and deal with them rather than live in denial, take it out on others, and drag people around in his denial's wake. I hate him for choosing denial over being truly invested in a relationship with me, me, someone who is all he is looking for and so much more.

 

You said you are waiting on him to answer you. Are you saying that if he deletes you from FB that is some sort of answer that it's really over?

 

I guess I'm hopeful that if he's kept me on FB, it must mean he is not entirely sure he wants nothing to do with me. And I fear being the one to close it all down, especially with his mom and sister, as well, just in case he actually had different intentions. I know: I know. I don't know how to shake myself out of that.

 

Basically, you are correct that it is fear. There is a lot of fear in going NC because it is not reactionary. Up until now, everything you have done has been in reaction to him. The choice to go NC is YOU moving on, and that is hard to do.

It's true. This relationship took up a large part of a very pivotal time in my life. It left me in a tailspin of confusion and if I let go by cutting all the cords, I feel like I'll just be left with this senseless hole. Do you relate to that?

 

I actually cared for my ex's child for 3 years because his mother died years ago. Believe me, I understand collateral damage. I was close with my ex's sister, and I probably won't see her anytime soon now. It sucks, and I'm sorry.

And I'm so sorry; my heart really goes out to you for loving and mothering a child and then having that tie broken. I relate to that to a lesser degree b/c I so loved my ex's little nieces, aged 7 and 5. We had a great relationship going and I couldn't wait to take on the title of Aunt, with all its incumbent responsibilities. It's at a time in our lives when we are ready to be mothers; I know I feel I have arrived at a place where I feel I have so much to give a child, and to have that stripped away is gut-wrenching...especially when people in your and my position now have no guarantee that we will get to have children of our own. It definitely adds a dimension to the grief that makes it all more intense. I feel you. ((hugs))

 

You are hanging onto a dead relationship, as I did, as many of us have. Right now, you are simply delaying the inevitable of what has to happen.

Could it ever be justified the way a post-mortem to determine COD on a body is justified?

 

You must be a stronger person than me, BC1980. I just cannot wrap my head around walking away with no answers. How did you ever come to accept that? Was it a matter of pride put aside? Or just trying to distract yourself with building a future where the lack of answers wouldn't hurt so much?

 

ANOTHER long post. Sorry:bunny:

Edited May 20, 2014 by GreenCove