Fear I am not progressing well in coping, 2

[Apparition]

I don't think there is ever such a thing as being "right" when you're recovering from a break-up. There's no manual to tell us what to do, how to do to it and which direction to take. We don't get instructions. Sometimes, all we can do each day is just....breathe.

 

 

It no longer matters what K thinks or thought. What matters now is what you think. You obviously don't think you're a failure, and if you do feel like you belong there, there's no reason for you to move. Moving for some people would be running away because they cannot handle the situation, where as others see it as an opportunity for a fresh start and to rebuild a life where they cannot bump into their ex on the street, in a store, or at work. A reminder of their past. There's no winning or losing. It's not a game. It's your life we're talking about. Your heart. Your mind. Your soul. It's now all about the steps you need to take in order to protect those things. It doesn't matter really if you do move anyway, because let's face it, K will still be a part of your past and on your mind even if you're in that town or in a new one. The hurt will still be there, the only thing that would be different is no longer accidentally bumping into him or his family. Would it hurt less if that is the case?

 

 

Personally, I wouldn't move if I were you. Not if you have a great career and would gain much more by staying there than moving to another place to rebuild a whole new you. The only thing really you're rebuilding right now is your heart. If you moved, you'd have to rebuild everything. From friends, career, accommodation, familiarity with the places near-by, neighbors, pretty much everything. And there's also a possibility you will dislike it, what if that happens? Moving just because of a break-up is a big decision, and it should be thought out for the reasons that would benefit you, not to benefit K or because of a temporary pain you feel right now.

 

I hope you make a decision which results in you being happy in the end.

 

Adios.

[Zapbasket]

I don't think there is ever such a thing as being "right" when you're recovering from a break-up. There's no manual to tell us what to do, how to do to it and which direction to take. We don't get instructions. Sometimes, all we can do each day is just....breathe.

 

 

It no longer matters what K thinks or thought. What matters now is what you think. You obviously don't think you're a failure, and if you do feel like you belong there, there's no reason for you to move. Moving for some people would be running away because they cannot handle the situation, where as others see it as an opportunity for a fresh start and to rebuild a life where they cannot bump into their ex on the street, in a store, or at work. A reminder of their past. There's no winning or losing. It's not a game. It's your life we're talking about. Your heart. Your mind. Your soul. It's now all about the steps you need to take in order to protect those things. It doesn't matter really if you do move anyway, because let's face it, K will still be a part of your past and on your mind even if you're in that town or in a new one. The hurt will still be there, the only thing that would be different is no longer accidentally bumping into him or his family. Would it hurt less if that is the case?

 

 

Personally, I wouldn't move if I were you. Not if you have a great career and would gain much more by staying there than moving to another place to rebuild a whole new you. The only thing really you're rebuilding right now is your heart. If you moved, you'd have to rebuild everything. From friends, career, accommodation, familiarity with the places near-by, neighbors, pretty much everything. And there's also a possibility you will dislike it, what if that happens? Moving just because of a break-up is a big decision, and it should be thought out for the reasons that would benefit you, not to benefit K or because of a temporary pain you feel right now.

 

I hope you make a decision which results in you being happy in the end.

 

Adios.

 

Apparition, thank you so much for this. You nailed it in the second bolded bit. In the past, I moved, twice, and was so preoccupied with having to build EVERYTHING from the ground up that I neglected to work on my heart, to protect it and grow it into healthier patterns. Now, I'm trying hard to do the opposite, to try to grow what I have managed to eke out where I currently live (though they're not quite satisfactory--struggling to build relationships that grow beyond the superficial, struggling to find work that truly challenges me and utilizes my talents and background), while I FOCUS on my heart. THAT is what needs rebuilding, and my hope is that once that has become stronger and healthier, then other things will fall into place. I'm trying to work more from inside-out rather than outside-in, which is where I erred in the past particularly where the aftermath of previous breakups was concerned.

 

I'm really unsure what will ultimately prove the right decision for me, to stay or to leave, but I do know that I don't want it to be in reaction to anything I feel about K. You are so right, that wherever I go, in a sense, he goes, too. I have not once run into him in a year and a half save for seeing his truck, which hurts, yes, but I can bear it for now, I think. I might freak out if he starts dating someone and yearn for distance then, but I'm working hard to remind myself that I need more than he had to offer, and he'll offer the next woman no more than he offered me.

 

But anyway, it IS a big decision, and I want to take my time. I will say that I'm worried that the longer I stay here, the less chance I'll have of meeting a really good guy--the running joke around here is that there ARE no truly good guys because most guys here just want to play with their toys and live in eternal boyhood and not settle down, and my experience (my own and observing other women's experience here) has shown that to be pretty much the case. I do really want to have children, and even though my family has a history of being able to bear children well into their forties, I'm not under any illusion that I have unlimited time. However, I'm unwilling to settle for a crappy relationship just so that I can make a baby. Not how I'm wired.

 

So, we'll see. I hope that as I keep working on my heart, a path will become clear; right now there are just impressions and pulls at my heart that I can't quite name, not yet.

[Zapbasket]

I was driving home at dusk from an errand, and a mountain biker in front of me on the road struck me as vaguely familiar. It wasn't necessarily HIS shirt, but it was the kind of shirt--the kind of whole mountain biking outfit--my ex would wear. Also, the shape of the calves pedaling closely resembled those of my ex. At the intersection he turned right, and I was going to turn left, but the familiarity was so uncanny that I felt compelled to turn right and pass him, just to see whether indeed it was him or not. I glanced over, and my first cognizance was that it was NOT him, but the profile nevertheless was familiar, and then it dawned on me as I continued up the road that it was his younger brother, who has returned home to live after graduating college.

 

I don't know what it is about how it struck me, maybe just recognizing a familiar shirt and a whole familiarity and then it being a member of his family, if not him, but suddenly I am filled with sadness and just need to share it with some understanding ears. I feel shaken and teary in a way I haven't felt for a while now. Maybe I feel this way because before this encounter, I was thinking heavily about K (my ex), I don't know.

 

I still hate so much how this all went down. I hate that in all this time we've never talked--specifically, he has never once reached out and maybe it's just my big ego but I really don't think I'm someone you just toss aside.

 

I just feel really, really sad and agonizingly wistful right now. Thanks for listening.

[BC1980]

Someone said this in another thread, but being reminded of your ex stimulates an emotional response. Seeing your ex (or who you thought was your ex) really, really stimulates a response. When I saw my ex after a year, I almost cried. I only saw him from a distance at work, but I had to step into the bathroom to compose myself. I felt embarrassed by my response, but I also think it makes sense. I was in NC for 9 months before I looked at a picture of my ex, and it made me cry. Just a freaking picture.

 

I've learned that I can't have any emotinal stimulus. I've also had the reaction of extreme anger after seeing him. Sometimes I have no reaction, but I always feel better when I'm not at work these days. More at peace though, at times, I have been able to pass him in the hall and feel virtually nothing. I can usually talk myself down fairly easily, but I hope that all of this goes away at some point. Because I'm well and truly out of viable options on the job front. For now at least.

[Zapbasket]

That makes a lot of sense, BC1980. I think for me also it was that the biker struck me as oddly familiar in a deep sense, before I associated the familiarity with my ex. I just saw the biker on the road and had this sense of, "Yes, I know this sight." All sorts of unconscious associations got dredged up, and then when I recognized that the biker resembled my ex, it gripped me, and then, when I realized that it was not my ex but his brother, the fact of the whole failed intimacy smacked me in the face and I couldn't wait to get home to curl up into a ball until the swirl of feelings subsided.

 

I think what was stirred up in my unconscious that made me particularly sad was this feeling of "home" before I associated the familiar sight and accompanying feelings with my ex. It was a reminder of how much I loved him and his family, and how at home I felt with them, and to sit in the reality of it all being gone and shattered just HURTS something awful.

 

I know overall I'm doing much better; I feel more or less back in my own skin; but I also have been around this block of coping with loss enough to know that at any time the pain can return, and from the slightest triggers. Especially in this case, where time isn't going to change my remorse; it's only going to give me enough distance that the remorse will affect my daily life less and less, as is already happening.

[Apparition]

Hi, GC.

 

Sorry to hear about your encounter recently with another member of his family. I agree with BC about the whole triggering an emotional response when you see something of familiarity related to your ex. My first ever serious break-up was something like that, but with me, it was anything from her name, to her favourite T.V show, or music she liked etc that would trigger an emotional response from me. I did not listen to music for months because of it. I would try to avoid all reminders. Like your situation with K, my ex did not contact me either, but I was still trying to contact her. Looking back on it I look really pathetic because I e-mailed her every single day. She did not once respond. I didn't even know if she was alive, and it wasn't until I checked up on her Facebook to see pictures she was tagged in, where she was photographed with alcoholic drinks and cuddling friends all smiley. And it wasn't until then I stopped contacting her. I moved on after two years.

 

When I was happy, when I was finally in a position in life where I was able to be happy with myself and life in general, she came crawling back. I didn't take her back but I thanked her for ignoring me because it was the best thing she could've done for me. I didn't deserve to be treated that way. No one does.

 

Also, I know exactly what you mean when you say you felt "home" with him. I felt that with my recent ex, and now that we're over I feel homeless. My heart felt safe, sheltered with her, and now it just feels exposed. Part of me doesn't want the pain to go away because I worry what will be left underneath when it's gone. It sounds silly, but it's true.

 

I hope your day went better than mine.

[Zapbasket]

Hi, GC.

 

Sorry to hear about your encounter recently with another member of his family. I agree with BC about the whole triggering an emotional response when you see something of familiarity related to your ex. My first ever serious break-up was something like that, but with me, it was anything from her name, to her favourite T.V show, or music she liked etc that would trigger an emotional response from me. I did not listen to music for months because of it. I would try to avoid all reminders. Like your situation with K, my ex did not contact me either, but I was still trying to contact her. Looking back on it I look really pathetic because I e-mailed her every single day. She did not once respond. I didn't even know if she was alive, and it wasn't until I checked up on her Facebook to see pictures she was tagged in, where she was photographed with alcoholic drinks and cuddling friends all smiley. And it wasn't until then I stopped contacting her. I moved on after two years.

 

When I was happy, when I was finally in a position in life where I was able to be happy with myself and life in general, she came crawling back. I didn't take her back but I thanked her for ignoring me because it was the best thing she could've done for me. I didn't deserve to be treated that way. No one does.

 

Also, I know exactly what you mean when you say you felt "home" with him. I felt that with my recent ex, and now that we're over I feel homeless. My heart felt safe, sheltered with her, and now it just feels exposed. Part of me doesn't want the pain to go away because I worry what will be left underneath when it's gone. It sounds silly, but it's true.

 

I hope your day went better than mine.

 

Hi Apparition, thanks for your response. I wish there were a way we could let our exes know how much they hurt us. I know LS is mostly a forum for people hurting from being broken up with come to commiserate, and so maybe the information on here is skewed somewhat, but most times people's exes on here don't sound like mature, self-aware people. They are not all bad people, but they definitely didn't handle the breakups documented here in a particularly compassionate, mature way. Most of our exes sound like they aren't aware of how much the way you treat someone can leave lingering aches and scars.

 

In my own situation, I keep wishing there were some way I could let my ex know how much he hurt me. On the outside I seem not only like I'm fine, but like I'm thriving. Only I know how low this breakup took me, and how much the whole thing continues to hurt me terribly; the only difference now is that life does go on and I am participating in my present and future with as much gusto as I possess--which is a lot, because I am an energetic, driven, generally optimistic and highly capable person. And the negative side of that is that to others I seem perfectly fine, when inside I'm struggling. Sometimes I want not only my ex to know, but everyone in this community, where I don't feel like people really know the real me, to hear from my own mouth how much I had to fight to not succumb to a terrible depression after this breakup. I even think about writing an op ed piece in our local paper, since the suicide rate here is so high and depression and what to do about it are very much on our community's collective mind.

 

Anyway, I have some questions for you, Apparition. When you say that after two years, you finally moved on from that ex that ignored you, do you mean you moved on to another relationship, or you just finally got to a point where it didn't affect you as deeply and your life carried on? Also, why do you think she finally came crawling back? What did it take for her to go from being so absolute about shunning you from her life, to risking her pride and heart to not only ask for your forgiveness, but to ask for you back? And finally, why do you say it was the best thing she could have done for you to have ignored you?

 

I saw my ex yet again yesterday, right by my work, no less. I had just left my office and had pulled out of the parking lot, when I spied his truck, with the back hatch open and his construction ladder propped against it. He clearly was on a construction job and as I stared at his truck, totally taken by surprise and feeling a bit...invaded...that there he was in MY space where I go every day, I almost drove off the road. I swerved, and the sharp motion of my car caused the person I spotted skulking along the side of the building to look up, and guess who it was? I recognized him instantly. There. Was. K. I immediately called my best friend, and drove home hearing all about her recent trip, just so that I didn't have to feel the sadness that I knew was lurking.

 

For the life of me I will never understand how he could be fine with how he left things. I wonder, doesn't he ever think of me, and wish things were different, and blame himself even a little? Or is he just sure inside that it's all my fault, or does he just not care, which is a very scary thought indeed. I just wish I were the one who didn't care, but sadly (and thankfully at the same time), I'm not built that way.

 

I know this post is super-long (as is my customary deal, lol), but I wanted to respond to that last bit you said, Apparition, about being afraid of what is lurking beneath all that pain. Unless I'm deluding myself, I think through therapy I have found what has lurked beneath my pain. It is nothing less nor more than the key to my emancipation from this chapter in my life where my relationships all have the same undertone of me not respecting myself and my needs enough. It is the soft and receptive space, and also the truculent (because so deep-rooted) space where change can happen. Where you can make the changes necessary to not repeat history, to move forward closer to the life you want, and relationships that nurture rather than deplete you. I know I have a long way to go, but I notice I'm getting ever more restored to myself, in very slow increments.

 

I will say I'm dreading leaving work today and having to see his truck all up in my business. It makes me want to get all up in his business and stop this charade; I want to pull into the lot where he's working and just be right up in his grill all, "Hi, K, I saw you here yesterday and decided to break this wall of silence no matter what."

[Zapbasket]

Because I feel really antsy at work today for some reason, and can't concentrate, I feel like sharing some changes I'm noticing, that fall under the category of "coping."

 

For one, I think I'm on a major guy-atus right now. One of the hospitality workers near my office building asked me, as he does every morning, if I want to join him for coffee, and today I just felt complete annoyance and disgust, though I tried to answer graciously with a "No, but thank you."

 

And this coworker in his 60's who used to be my work buddy and we'd hang out sometimes keeps asking me to have dinner with him (as friends), but I had dinner with him a few months ago and he showed up high on pot. Now, I don't mind people smoking pot, edibles, etc. but I do mind people showing up for an evening with me over dinner and being too high and irritable to hold any kind of meaningful conversation. I feel also with this guy that even if he were conscientious about not smoking before meeting up with me, I just don't respect him and think he's a loser who adds nothing to my life and I don't want to make time for him any more.

 

To me, this denotes progress because I'm beginning to grow boundaries. I don't feel any obligation to him save being cordial to him when I see him at work.

 

And another older dude with whom I once thought I had a friendship texted me out of the blue this weekend to tell me I came up in a conversation the night before. That he was telling this friend of his how talented, beautiful, etc. etc. I was and she said, "Oh, were/are you two lovers?" And he said in his text to me, "I did not lie" (because we were NOT lovers, though he made his intent known to me once and I was very clear that that would never happen as he is too old for me). Again, I felt disgust on receiving that text. It was like it started out as a compliment, and still had this hitting-on-me bit to it that since I was so darned clear that it would NEVER happen, strikes me as plain disrespectful. And I just decided, from deep within, that I really don't want to hang out with this dude anymore. Again, no reason to not be cordial, but I'm not going to make time to see him. I tried to see the good in him but frankly everything I've seen just confirms what my instinct told me from the get-go: that he is a loser, no bones about it. Adds nothing to my life, does not inspire me, doesn't bring anything interesting to the conversation, etc.

 

I just feel done with crappy, loserly men. And I despair sometimes because it seems like all the men in my orbit are just not up to standard. To MY standard, I should add. They're not educated, or not as educated as me, which wouldn't matter if they were lively and curious and open-minded...but they all seem to live inside their bubbles of skiing and shooting and have no interest or curiosity in anything else. Few of them are good looking and they live like 24-year-olds even though some of them are in their 40's. I try not to be judgmental, but instinctively I know they're just not good enough. They bore me.

 

I want something more, I want to hold out for something more. It's time. I want someone who excites me, but not with drama or withheld love, just because they're that fantastic. Where I look at the guy and just go, "Wow." I have never felt that for anyone I have ever dated. I spent all my relationships trying to make things equal--so that I shone less, to make their fragile small-dicked egos feel better. No more. I just can't do it any more. Not one day more. Which is why I don't want even to have a coffee with either of those older men mentioned above, because the only way conversation with them works is if I dumb myself down and amp up my compassion and charm and overlook just how much glaringly LESS they really are.

 

I feel like puking as I write this. I AM puking, verbally. I'm just so, so, so over it.

 

Edited to add: Reading this back, I feel embarrassed that I even have any liaison with these two men. They just kind-of suck and because I always have felt I have to be "nice," I allow people in who shouldn't even have 10 minutes of my time, let alone coffee or drinks or dinner. I just feel disgusted that I ever have let this kind of sh*t into my life. Everything about me is superior to guys like this: I'm smarter, better educated, more accomplished, prettier than they are handsome, more athletically talented, more creative, better mannered, humbler (yes, I know, while I'm sitting here extolling my virtues but my whole problem is that I don't extol them ENOUGH, to myself), more ambitious. And because I don't want to seem elitist or whatever I am so solicitous to lesser men (and people) that I end up trying to earn THEIR respect instead of the other way around. So stupid on my part and I am so freaking over it!

Edited March 31, 2015 by GreenCove

[lana-banana]

If those were the kinds of potential suitors I had I wouldn't just take a guy-atus, I'd take a vow of guy-lence. GC, if that post above isn't inspiration to move, what is? Moving doesn't mean you failed; it means you're finally acknowledging that this little place has nothing to offer you anymore. You're over it, you're over them, you're over feeling crappy and lonely and surrounded by the same goddamn things day after day. Change for change's sake isn't usually a good idea but I think in this case you would thrive. A major metropolitan area would give you millions of new people to meet, many* of whom will be more educated, mature and driven. And it's also a chance for you to put your immense talents into a wide range of potential careers.

 

 

* - I live in one of the US's biggest cities and while I have enjoyed dating lots of successful men, some of them have the emotional or mental maturity of three-year-olds. Oh well.

[Zapbasket]

 

 

* - I live in one of the US's biggest cities and while I have enjoyed dating lots of successful men, some of them have the emotional or mental maturity of three-year-olds. Oh well.

 

I can't tell you how much I agree with your first paragraph, especially today, when I am just feeling so over everyone and everything I'm into here. Just bored and frustrated and over it and not giving a damn.

 

But, the part of your reply that I quoted above is what I'm worried about, if I moved. After all, I myself came to where I am from a major metropolitan area, and if I move back to one in the name of finding people who are a better match for me overall, will I just find what you're saying has been your experience?

[lana-banana]

I didn't say it was the sum total of my experience. Most men I've dated have been great, to say nothing of my absolutely fantastic boyfriend who inspires me every single day. Yes, I can guarantee there are some frogs out there, but the sheer size of the dating pool improves your odds, and I am so happy every day it's not even fair.

[BC1980]

GC, what about looking for someone who has the same values as you and who feels the same way about a relationship as you. Someone who values communication and honesty. IMO, those things you listed (attractive, athletic, creative, ect.) don't matter as much as we think they do and don't hold a relationship together.

[Apparition]

Hi Apparition, thanks for your response. I wish there were a way we could let our exes know how much they hurt us. I know LS is mostly a forum for people hurting from being broken up with come to commiserate, and so maybe the information on here is skewed somewhat, but most times people's exes on here don't sound like mature, self-aware people. They are not all bad people, but they definitely didn't handle the breakups documented here in a particularly compassionate, mature way. Most of our exes sound like they aren't aware of how much the way you treat someone can leave lingering aches and scars.

 

In my own situation, I keep wishing there were some way I could let my ex know how much he hurt me. On the outside I seem not only like I'm fine, but like I'm thriving. Only I know how low this breakup took me, and how much the whole thing continues to hurt me terribly; the only difference now is that life does go on and I am participating in my present and future with as much gusto as I possess--which is a lot, because I am an energetic, driven, generally optimistic and highly capable person. And the negative side of that is that to others I seem perfectly fine, when inside I'm struggling. Sometimes I want not only my ex to know, but everyone in this community, where I don't feel like people really know the real me, to hear from my own mouth how much I had to fight to not succumb to a terrible depression after this breakup. I even think about writing an op ed piece in our local paper, since the suicide rate here is so high and depression and what to do about it are very much on our community's collective mind.

 

Anyway, I have some questions for you, Apparition. When you say that after two years, you finally moved on from that ex that ignored you, do you mean you moved on to another relationship, or you just finally got to a point where it didn't affect you as deeply and your life carried on? Also, why do you think she finally came crawling back? What did it take for her to go from being so absolute about shunning you from her life, to risking her pride and heart to not only ask for your forgiveness, but to ask for you back? And finally, why do you say it was the best thing she could have done for you to have ignored you?

 

I saw my ex yet again yesterday, right by my work, no less. I had just left my office and had pulled out of the parking lot, when I spied his truck, with the back hatch open and his construction ladder propped against it. He clearly was on a construction job and as I stared at his truck, totally taken by surprise and feeling a bit...invaded...that there he was in MY space where I go every day, I almost drove off the road. I swerved, and the sharp motion of my car caused the person I spotted skulking along the side of the building to look up, and guess who it was? I recognized him instantly. There. Was. K. I immediately called my best friend, and drove home hearing all about her recent trip, just so that I didn't have to feel the sadness that I knew was lurking.

 

For the life of me I will never understand how he could be fine with how he left things. I wonder, doesn't he ever think of me, and wish things were different, and blame himself even a little? Or is he just sure inside that it's all my fault, or does he just not care, which is a very scary thought indeed. I just wish I were the one who didn't care, but sadly (and thankfully at the same time), I'm not built that way.

 

I know this post is super-long (as is my customary deal, lol), but I wanted to respond to that last bit you said, Apparition, about being afraid of what is lurking beneath all that pain. Unless I'm deluding myself, I think through therapy I have found what has lurked beneath my pain. It is nothing less nor more than the key to my emancipation from this chapter in my life where my relationships all have the same undertone of me not respecting myself and my needs enough. It is the soft and receptive space, and also the truculent (because so deep-rooted) space where change can happen. Where you can make the changes necessary to not repeat history, to move forward closer to the life you want, and relationships that nurture rather than deplete you. I know I have a long way to go, but I notice I'm getting ever more restored to myself, in very slow increments.

 

I will say I'm dreading leaving work today and having to see his truck all up in my business. It makes me want to get all up in his business and stop this charade; I want to pull into the lot where he's working and just be right up in his grill all, "Hi, K, I saw you here yesterday and decided to break this wall of silence no matter what."

 

 

 

I agree about everyone's ex on here not being mature, but obviously there is two sides to every story and since they come here for help, we can only go with their side and support them. With that said, my recent ex is a very mature woman and our relationship ended on a good note the best way it could. She was my best friend, and still is. We both still love each other. But we ended because she went through some sort of abuse that she had no control over, and then both of us had personal problems to deal with. So we agreed to remain friends but work on ourselves first and foremost before trying to work on a relationship, if we're not healthy apart how can we be healthy together? So that is where I'm at with regards to my recent ex. I haven't shared my story on here about her because I don't want to and I don't want people commenting on it. It's way too personal and my situation is very different. I'm telling you this for a number of reasons, one being that she is my soul mate, I strongly believe she is. I didn't believe in soul mates until I met her, and I knew instantly. However, I also believe that soul mates don't always end up together. It just means your heart will always be taken by that one person. That is my own little belief. Reason two is because I don't think K is your soul mate and I'm trying to let you know there is someone out there who will knock you on your butt way harder than K did and when that happens you'll instantly know this emotion I'm talking about. Reason three; not all ex's are bad, you will get some good people who come into your life and things end on a good note. Okay, enough with the reasons, I'll move onto your next paragraph.

 

 

I'll be completely blunt with you when I'm addressing your questions. My first serious relationship was emotionally abusive and mentally draining. She had this unhealthy extreme-jealousy which caused her to constantly check up on me. Bear in mind that I never did anything to this girl but respect and trust her and at that time her jealousy and insecurities in the beginning made me feel sorry for her because she told me about how many ex's cheated on her in the past, so for a while, I was basically her doormat. I wasn't allowed to watch movies with nudity, that goes for ANY nudity. I remember watching some movie about this alien women and in the movie she was nude, when she asked what I was doing via text I told her I was watching -insert movie title- and she went to google it and flipped off when she discovered there was a scene with nudity. Looking back on it now I'm able to say without a doubt she was a PSYCHO. And that's just one example. I had two/three years of that from her. I didn't leave because I honestly wanted to help her and she also would threaten me with suicide messages if I left her. Not a good time in my life. It was unhealthy, toxic, manipulative, and just not love at all.

 

After two years into the relationship I had a call from her one day telling me she came home without her underwear last night. I knew what she meant by that and I didn't ask questions, just ended us there on the spot. A few weeks after we broke up, god knows what possessed me to get back together with her, but I did. When we sat down to have it all out and talk about what happened, she told me she had to tell me some things before we got back together. I sat down to listen to her for about an hour, telling me all the lies and secrets she had. I discovered not only was she psycho, she was a whore too. So to answer this question, "Also, why do you think she finally came crawling back?" - the reason she came crawling back was because I had treated her better than any man she'd ever been with and when we broke up, she had dated another guy who cheated on her. Karma. Anyway, she had something good and she destroyed it. I can truly say she isn't a good person, and I was an idiot for falling into the ***** with her.

 

 

"When you say that after two years, you finally moved on from that ex that ignored you, do you mean you moved on to another relationship, or you just finally got to a point where it didn't affect you as deeply and your life carried on? " - After two years I knew I needed that time to myself and that relationship made me not want to ever date again, so no, I didn't move onto someone else when I was ready. I just went out on dates, nothing serious, just dinner. No sleeping around. Not my style. I was at a point in life where it didn't affect me at all, I felt grateful for it. My heart had stopped hurting. I was able to discover new women who were beautiful people, great personalities and intelligent. I did not pursue anything more because I wanted to take things slow and have time to myself. After three years I ended up in my recent relationship and we were together for four years, hopefully we can make it five.

 

" And finally, why do you say it was the best thing she could have done for you to have ignored you?" - It was the best thing because I was finally out of a toxic relationship which destroyed my trust in women, my heart (or so I thought), my confidence and my logical thinking. Also if it wasn't for her ending things I probably wouldn't have met my recent ex who is the most amazing woman I've ever met in my life. She loves me unconditionally, trusts me, respects me, supports me and is always there when I need her.

Okay, that's my story over.

 

 

When/IF you see K, I can't really tell you what to do because the heart does what the heart wants. But what you should try is to think of all the hurt he's put you through, make yourself angry with it if you have to. If that is what it takes for you to keep strong and not want to speak to him. By the way, how long has it been since you both broke up?

[Zapbasket]

GC, what about looking for someone who has the same values as you and who feels the same way about a relationship as you. Someone who values communication and honesty. IMO, those things you listed (attractive, athletic, creative, ect.) don't matter as much as we think they do and don't hold a relationship together.

 

I agree those attributes are not what hold a relationship together when it comes down to the nitty-gritty. But things like communication, honesty, integrity, etc. don't show themselves (or the absence thereof) until you've already invested a bit of time into the relationship and undergone some relationship tests together.

 

In the beginning, the only thing you can go on is how people have chosen to live their lives. When I see someone with no real ambition, who is not very skilled at the work they have done, who doesn't show any interest or curiosity beyond things s/he already knows, whose social life revolves around parties and drinking, I think it's safe to assume that this person isn't really going to have the character to put the pedal to the metal when the going gets tough in a relationship. Likewise, of course, I have encountered highly motivated people who are skilled, conscientious, and constantly looking for ways to grow and take responsibility in their work, but who are figuratively tone-deaf when it comes to interpersonal matters, who are fundamentally selfish and will bail on any relationship that doesn't consistently and directly benefit them, the other person's needs be damned.

 

I guess what I want at the outset is someone who truly intrigues me, whose aura, more than his or her accomplishments or drive, impresses me and feels pleasing to be around. I want to see some intimation of real depth, and with my new, clearer lens honed through therapy this whole past year, I just don't feel I'm seeing that in anyone. People are nice enough, but there's just no spark of real connection for me with anyone. And I'm not speaking romantically, but in terms of friendship, too. It's been hard for me to understand, since everyone where I live is big on the outdoors, and I'm as outdoorsy as anyone here, even moreso than a lot of people in some respects. You'd think that the outdoors would help create bonds, but one reason I go solo backpacking a lot in the summer and fall is because I can never find people to go with. Part of that is because people in my age group are mostly married with children, but there are plenty of single people out there, too. Somehow I'm just not finding them.

[Zapbasket]

I don't know why, but these past several days I've been having a hard time all over again with how everything transpired with K. Unlike a year ago this time, I'm no longer expecting K to reach out to me, but I'm finding that every day he doesn't reach out (it's been a year and a half now), it hurts more in some ways, not less. In his silence, it makes our whole 3.5 years together seem utterly meaningless. And in my struggle to find significant social connections where I live, it makes my whole time here feel...empty, somehow.

 

I struggle with the incomprehensibility--to me--of slinking out of a relationship after spending it minimizing all your partner's feelings and never feeling shame or guilt about your behavior or just plain compassion or gosh, even AWARENESS at the hurt you caused. And then the fact that I live right down the street from him. I mean, doesn't he care what I might be up to? Doesn't he ever think, "What if GreenCove is dating someone new and he's so much better than I was it's not even funny?" I can't even explain the causation for my incomprehension--I guess just the vibes I got from him when we were together, and how much his family loved and still loves me, and the close-knit nature of the community we live in. Last week I ran into K's younger brother in a store, and we chatted a bit; he gave me a big hug, and then he said, "It's so good to see you," with real meaning. And that made me feel like crap, too. I mean, K minimized my feelings, got irritable whenever I expressed a feeling or opinion that was inconvenient to him, but then he had this other side that peered through his crusty exterior and came on full force when his guard was down (which was rare). But from that part of him, I felt he really, truly loved me and I just never believed he would be such a...coward.

 

I feel tremendous anger because of how deeply this affected me. I can barely look other men in the eye. I don't even want to hang out with guys, let alone date any. I have no faith in the opposite sex because I've not met anyone who seems to have that mixture of depth, humor and kindness that matters most to me.

 

I feel anger because I feel so discarded. Every day that passes with no word from K just enforces this sense that to him, it all meant nothing.

 

And then I feel anger that rationally when I sum up everything K has done, I see so clearly how not worth it he is, what an arsehole he was and is...and yet emotionally I still love him and care for him a great deal. I have never known anyone before him who was such a mix of pure jerk and a genuinely good and well-intentioned person, and for all my so-called psychological astuteness, I just can't figure him out, even after all this time. I can't figure out why he had to come into my life, and I can't figure out why I mattered so little, since if I met me, I'd never let me go so easily and I certainly would try to find some way I could be in my life even if we couldn't be boyfriend/girlfriend.

 

I feel such anger, still, that when I see K's truck sometimes I wish I had a nail gun or sh*t, a freaking AR-15 to just blast the crap out of it. I want him to know, somehow, without his ever hearing it from me, just how much he hurt me.

 

I know I will get through this once and for all, and I know eventually I will be able to date again, but like Apparition said above, this definitely is a relationship that at least temporarily has made me never want to get involved with a man ever again.

[BC1980]

I struggle with the incomprehensibility--to me--of slinking out of a relationship after spending it minimizing all your partner's feelings and never feeling shame or guilt about your behavior or just plain compassion or gosh, even AWARENESS at the hurt you caused. And then the fact that I live right down the street from him. I mean, doesn't he care what I might be up to? Doesn't he ever think, "What if GreenCove is dating someone new and he's so much better than I was it's not even funny?" I can't even explain the causation for my incomprehension--I guess just the vibes I got from him when we were together, and how much his family loved and still loves me, and the close-knit nature of the community we live in.

 

I could have written your entire post, but I honed in on this part. Lately, I've been wondering the same thing about my ex, and it might be because his wedding is approaching. I wonder if he even knows or cares how much hurt and damage he caused me, but I already know the answer. NO. Still, it's equally as incomprehensible to me as it is to you. How can he just discard me after all those years and go live his life with someone else. We had so many plans and dreams, and he just decides to go and carry them out with someone else. Does he even care? Does he even understand what a traumatic impact leaving his son had on me?

 

I can imagine him being overjoyed at the prospect of his new life, and that sickens me. It makes me completely ill quite honestly, and, again, I find it incomprehensible that he could be so happy when he left such a wake of destruction behind him. Then again, do I really know that he is happy? Maybe he does feel bad in some way. Maybe what he did to me even bothers him a great deal, but I just don't know it. I admit that I'm curious about that. Does he feel guilty that he is happy not and living out the dreams we had together? Does it bother him at all?

 

I think all of this is coming back around because his marriage is next month. It reminds me of how happy we were (maybe it was only me that was happy, but he put on a damn good show) and how he took that away from me. Maybe it's not really him but the fact that I allowed such an abusive sack of sh*t to make me to feel this way. I think that's really the issue. I'm mad that he had the power to make me feel so bad, to wreck my self-esteem. I'm angry that he gets to go on with his life after all of this. Most of the time, I'm unaffected by him, but it seems like it's come back around lately. Maybe I never expressed my anger in the way I should have, and it's coming back now.

 

I've definitely been putting all of my anger into positive stuff though. I've made a lot of progress with better coping mechanisms. I've been writing more, and I've been exercising more. I've decided to try to get into running more and set a goal to run a 5K or 10K. I've never been much of a runner, but I think a goal would help me focus on something positive.

Edited April 8, 2015 by BC1980

[Zapbasket]

It feels good to know that I'm not alone in feeling the way I do. My mom shot me down tonight, saying that no, I'm not doing better and she's heard me say the same things for the past year. My mom means well but frequently I feel like she's missing an empathy chip; she was just as irritated with me a month into the break-up, saying I was saying the same thing. Whatever.

 

I feel like I'm doing everything I can, and yet, sometimes I wonder whether it really does require a move to, well, "move on." Or meeting someone new, someone wonderful, and so what if it proves to be a "rebound"--can't rebounds be healthy so long as you know when you've outgrown the situation and make a break?

 

I mean, I just feel so much hurt, STILL. Even my ex that brought me to LS in 2007 contacted me after a year an a half. I hate that I think about K so much, and feel his silence like a cold wind all around me. I really thought, and felt, that I mattered more to him than this. I thought by now he'd feel remorse of some sort, or hell, some curiosity. Especially since I haven't moved. At the time we broke up, I was very actively looking into places to move to, because nothing was working for me here. And then I got my current job, and we broke up, and that diverted my attention as I felt I MUST deal well with this break-up otherwise I'm doomed to repeat the same mistakes.

 

I try to tell myself, well, K must have his own reasons for why he doesn't contact me, and to him they are valid and perhaps he doesn't spend much time questioning himself. I just don't understand how someone so insecure generally can suddenly be so sure and secure about a decision like this. He was always so indecisive, and suddenly, where GC is concerned, he's a freaking iron-fist ruler and issuer of decrees. I try to see how perhaps his reasons for not contacting me are beyond his simply "not caring," or not caring enough, that it's more about his own issues and fears than it is about not valuing me. But it keeps boiling down to that no matter how open-minded I try to be.

 

I saw K's mom as I entered the grocery store lot and she was exiting. We caught each other's gaze and grinned and waved at each other. And then I felt like crap, because what if K is now dating someone or his life is going swimmingly--wouldn't she look at me differently now? As "less"? I hate that she knows things I"ll never know regarding K and our breakup. I feel like no matter what or in relation to whom in this whole mess, I end up the loser.

 

ANd that really hurts and angers me. Because I was a catch for him, I know I was. Everyone thought so. And yet, I'm the one feeling like a loser, feeling alone and sad in the knowledge that K is happier without me. Because surely, right?--if he were unhappy, he would reach out. No?

 

BC1980, speaking of happiness (you used the term "overjoyed" regarding your ex), my best friend always says that K won't and can't feel happiness the way she and I can. I have doubts about my own situation, but I'd say the same applies to your ex. He got what he thinks he wanted, but for him, will that ever be enough?

 

Ugh. I should be in bed asleep and I just feel tormented. I hate knowing that K doesn't care. It hurts so badly I find myself completely inarticulate when I survey this pained landscape, because no word can describe the heavy sadness and consternation that sits in my heart.

[BC1980]

I think my ex is overjoyed to meet someone who fits all of his criteria on paper. He probably sees her as an upgrade on his first wife, and I can actually hear him saying that. Maybe not in such crass terms though. I don't think he feels very deeply though, and I don't know that he's capable anymore. I think his life circumstances have beaten him down and numbed him. I don't know what he feels, but he's also very indecisive. Very unsure of himself. I guess it's a mystery right? But he usually seemed so damn happy and thankful to be with me. It's difficult to discern the truth, and I think that's what scares me the most.

[metaversus]

I don't ever want this thread to end. <3

[lana-banana]

What is it about mothers that make them such experts at really twisting the knife? You know they always mean well, and yet sometimes you end up feeling so much worse. That aside, is your mother really wrong here? Aren't you still saying the same things you were saying a year and a half ago? It's clear to anyone reading this thread that you've come a long way, but you're stuck on K's silence as much as ever.

 

I wonder where you would be had he reached out to you. Suppose after six months or so he said hello in the store, made small talk about having a new job, hinted at seeing someone else, and so on. Would you have felt better? Would you still be here posting on this thread? Part of me thinks you would be. You'd be furious he felt good enough to contact you and was fine being friendly without giving any thought to how much hurt he'd caused.

 

I think K has at least a vague idea of exactly how much he hurt you, because he isn't speaking to you. He hasn't even spoken to you in a year and a half and you're still seething with anger. I don't like this guy but I think he's right to avoid contact. You are clearly not ready to have any kind of communication. So, yes, he knows he hurt you.

 

You can be angry about how he ended things with you. Hell, you can be angry about it the rest of your life if you want. I still have a sore spot from the way my least favorite ex ended things; he was so immature and cruel it still makes me cringe when I think about it. I don't think that wound will ever fully heal. But he's not my boyfriend, and I can't be angry at him for how he did or didn't treat me after we were no longer together. He didn't have any obligation to reach out to me, just as K has no obligation to talk to you. You can't be angry at his lack of interaction because you don't have a relationship anymore and you haven't had one for a very long time.

 

You already know the answers to your questions: no, he doesn't care, and yes, he is happier now. If he valued you he'd still be with you. It's okay to feel whatever you like, but at some point you have you be aware of feelings that are unhelpful or destructive. Right now you just keep feeding all these emotions into a black hole of hope that he'll someday contact you. The lack of response just amplifies your feelings but it doesn't make the black hole any less dense. He's not reaching out.

 

You have the rest of your life to live. What do you want to do?

[BC1980]

I wonder where you would be had he reached out to you. Suppose after six months or so he said hello in the store, made small talk about having a new job, hinted at seeing someone else, and so on. Would you have felt better? Would you still be here posting on this thread? Part of me thinks you would be. You'd be furious he felt good enough to contact you and was fine being friendly without giving any thought to how much hurt he'd caused.

 

I think K has at least a vague idea of exactly how much he hurt you, because he isn't speaking to you. He hasn't even spoken to you in a year and a half and you're still seething with anger. I don't like this guy but I think he's right to avoid contact. You are clearly not ready to have any kind of communication. So, yes, he knows he hurt you.

 

I always felt that it would hurt worse if my ex and I were on terms where we could say HI now and again. Where we could say hello at work and ask how the other person is doing. To me, having that kind of relationship would have completely minimized our relationship and the sh*tty way that it ended. I can't be fake and act like we are friends when his actions were so clearly unnecessary and hurtful. Even he said "I'm a horrible person aren't I?" So yeah, he gets it to some extent.

 

I think that my ex knows that I feel betrayed and hurt, but he doesn't understand WHY. He has some idea, but he could never feel how I feel. Therefore, it's not real to him. So he knows how I feel, but he doesn't understand my feelings. I think that if he ever felt any guilt at all, it was a fleeting feeling. If he had ever experienced real remorse, he would have at least apologized. But I never even go that from him.

[Zapbasket]

I wonder where you would be had he reached out to you. Suppose after six months or so he said hello in the store, made small talk about having a new job, hinted at seeing someone else, and so on. Would you have felt better? Would you still be here posting on this thread? Part of me thinks you would be. You'd be furious he felt good enough to contact you and was fine being friendly without giving any thought to how much hurt he'd caused.

 

That's not the kind of contact I mean when I say I hurt over no contact. If I were mired in that kind of contact, it would make me furious and I'd be sure to ignore him. It's true that after the relationship, he owes me nothing, but what I"m hurting over is the way he chose to exit the relationship, which was a time when yes, he owed me the consideration and empathy commensurate with spending a significant amount of time together in a relationship and forming bonds with his family.

 

But even that is not the true source of my hurt. The true source of my hurt is that I thought we had something that truly mattered. I thought we had a bond, that we were friends over and above being boyfriend-girlfriend. I trusted him in a particular way, and that trust was shattered in how he broke up with me and his apparent non-concern with his behavior given he never reached out in all this time. I don't like using the term "owe." We can justify doing anything to another human being by saying we don't "owe" them this or that, because truthfully we "owe" one another nothing. But I don't want people in my life who justify their behavior or the behavior of others with, "S/he doesn't owe so-and-so this or that." Okay, so a person can go through life being an arsehole or being kind and treating others the way they'd like to be treated. It's their choice.

 

Anyway, I hurt, because I thought something was there that evidently wasn't. And part of my going forward and toward what I want is revamping how I go about forming relationships with others, so that in the future I lessen the likelihood of spending years with a person who isn't really devoted to me or to our relationship. One small gain lately is my insistence that acquaintances call me by my full name. I have a long first name, and people always presume to shorten it even upon first meeting me, and I've always gone along with it so as not to "inconvenience" anyone by having to pronounce more syllables than necessary. What-freaking-ever, is my take now. Unless you have a severe speech impediment or are mentally retarded, you can manage the FIVE--that's it! FIVE--syllables comprising my first name. This is part of my transition to insisting that my feelings have value, that I have value, and if you want to spend time with me, you treat me as such or I walk. I review and re-review my relationship with K and relationships with other significant people in my life so that I can formulate good goals for how to change my behavior, so that I can be in relationships that nourish rather than drain me. Most people, to me, frankly, have been draining in my life, because I have always been quick to accommodate stupidity, ignorance, rudeness, and various emotional abuses, feeling that it must be somehow MY fault that these people are so lacking. Meanwhile, I have to believe that if I'd given those people the cool shoulder and not engaged with them, trying to get from them what they cannot give, then my time and psyche would have been more open to people who DO measure up, whose company IS enriching and not a big fat drain.

 

I think my mom's opinion in regards to my healing is rubbish and I would support the same stance for any of us on here working through loss and betrayal. On the outside it might seem repetitive as we circle around the loss and make sense of it, but it's not at all repetitive; it's the way our psychologies make meaning out of what happens to us, so that we can learn and grow. That's the way I want my life to go. I will never again use the terms "get over" or "move on" or similar because it's not linear and there's no "arrival" point: you work through, and work through, and one day you look up and see how far you have come, and it was your hurt that propelled you forward.

 

I think K has at least a vague idea of exactly how much he hurt you, because he isn't speaking to you. He hasn't even spoken to you in a year and a half and you're still seething with anger. I don't like this guy but I think he's right to avoid contact. You are clearly not ready to have any kind of communication. So, yes, he knows he hurt you.

 

You are right, I think. And I will never be ready to have trite conversation with him. In 2008 my ex in a previous relationship called me after 1.5 years of silence; he left me a voice mail saying he was "calling to say hi." I was glad he finally contacted me after cutting me off coldly after 5 years together, but I never returned his call because I found it utterly unacceptable that he felt he could "say hi" after the way he treated me.

 

I am sad about K, because I thought he was a friend. He didn't even fight to keep our relationship, not at all, in the whole relationship. He fought having to change his sh*tty behavior and I suppose decided he'd rather lose me than have to change himself or examine himself or take responsibility for himself in any way. He said as much to my mother: "I'm so lost and confused; I'm a spinning compass; I love GC but I can't take any responsibility right now."

 

Right now you just keep feeding all these emotions into a black hole of hope that he'll someday contact you. The lack of response just amplifies your feelings but it doesn't make the black hole any less dense. He's not reaching out.

 

I did spend a year in a black hole of disbelief and hope. I don't think that's where I am anymore. It's hard and incomprehensible to accept that he's fine with how things were left, but working towards that acceptance leads to this:

 

You have the rest of your life to live. What do you want to do?

 

I want to honor myself, and love myself, and require no less love from others than I have for myself and for them. I want to stop making excuses for other people so that I don't have to be alone, and be more fine with solitude because the liaisons with others that I do have are meaningful, honor me and my values, and stimulate and enrich me in the deepest sense. When the time is right, I want a relationship with someone who would have more integrity and depth and maturity than to treat me an our relationship the way K did.

[BC1980]

Here's what I think you struggle with, and this applies to me as well. You want K to feel as badly as you did when the relationship ended. You want him to have felt the despair you felt because then he would understand. It's only fair right? I also think that we equate the worth of the relationship with how much we suffer at its ending. So if K doesn't suffer, the relationship meant less to him than you? If he moved on quickly, you meant less to him than he meant to you. I think a lot of what we struggle with is what we perceive as unfair.

 

GC, K will never understand, and none of it is fair. But this is the way it is regardless. We are all different, and we process things differently. He just won't ever understand you, and you won't understand him. But he doesn't have the power to ruin the rest of your life. He doesn't. I don't know why he never fought to keep you or never reached out. Maybe he is ashamed. Maybe he knows you are angry. Maybe he really doesn't give a cr&p. Maybe he checked out long before the ending. Maybe he was never fully present to begin with. We will never know.

 

But I don't think that he could say anything to bring you clarity or make you feel better. No apology or explanation changes what happened.

[Zapbasket]

When my ex from 2007 contacted me 19 months after we broke up, to "say hi," I had already moved and was in a relationship with someone else. I never returned his call because I couldn't let myself support a call to "say hi" after the way he ended things with me. It was yet another instance of his cowardice, and I knew if I responded, he'd never say "sorry" but instead would quietly take my willingness to talk to him and my friendliness as a sign that "all was good." I decided it wasn't my job to alleviate his guilt and calling to "say hi" after the way he treated me just wasn't acceptable.

 

BUT, just the fact that he did call, as inadequate as the gesture was, made me feel better about the breakup and loss of him from my life, and freed me somewhat to continue moving forward, because it was some small acknowledgement that our time together mattered to him, at least somewhat. Also, knowing him as I did for five years, I know it took him a lot to even make that puny call, and I know that he probably hoped I'd do what I'd always done: let him treat me however he wanted and I'd embrace him with open arms because I didn't know better. When I didn't ever return his call and he never tried again, it just proved to me what I wouldn't or couldn't consciously acknowledge during the relationship: that he lacked the self-insight and maturity to take accountability for his actions, in the relationship and elsewhere in his life. He had hoped I'd do his share of the work for him, by being vivacious and welcoming on the phone with him, and when all he got was silence, he didn't have the chess pieces on his chess board to make a next move. And it wasn't that he "didn't care"; I think with that ex, he really did care, but he always was weak and I knew it, and it made me hold back in the relationship.

 

Anyway, for all the inadequacy of that call, it still meant something to me; it resolved some piece in my mind and restored my peace to some extent.

 

I have already demonstrated in my life since the breakup that K cannot and will not ruin my life; no one has the power to do so. But, as I have said in earlier posts, the way we treat each other certainly can leave deep marks. We affect the tenor of others' lives much more than we'd like to think we do, and it doesn't always trace back to unhealthy dynamics with our earliest caregivers. Meaning, an emotionally "healthy" person could find himself or herself in a toxic work environment, and over time their perception of what is "normal" or "right" could become skewed, if the environment is toxic enough. For me, the lesson in all this is this simple thing: the power of kindness is much greater than we can ever see or know. So, the questions we might all ask ourselves are, what is it like to be around me? Does my behavior create something positive around me, or negative? Do I put others down to pull myself up, thinking no one will notice?

 

I continue posting on this thread because I cannot deny that the whole thing with K has hurt me deeply. My life goes on and I feel excited for the future while appreciating and trying to build upon the good aspects of my present situation, but I do feel marked by how K treated me. I feel deep sadness and bafflement that he could so cavalierly terminate our relationship after giving me plenty of reason to believe he wanted a future with me. There is a grey cloud that goes with me everywhere even while the rest of my life goes on. Nothing is "ruined" in my life, but daily I experience pain at this loss and it takes me a little more energy than usual to achieve equilibrium each day because of it. I don't want to be the cause of such feeling for anyone, ever, if I can help it.

 

I know this is long; I'm just trying to articulate some of my thoughts and feelings and finding none of my words quite fit what I'm trying to express.

[Pikesburgh]

Ironically enough, my ex gf just got out of a 3.5 year relationship in August as well. We're a lot younger (21) but it ended up being a rebound relationship unfortunately, and every time she talked about her ex she cried. She hates him, but I can still tell she misses him. 8 months is a long time in general, but when it comes to past relationships, it's not always long enough to heal.