Fear I am not progressing well in coping, 2

[Zapbasket]

I feel a little pathetic that this thread still continues but I have found it much easier to be honest about what I'm feeling with people willing to listen rather than bottle everything up and run in opposition to my true feelings.

 

Before I say what made me want to add to this thread today, I want to be clear that I am not sitting around wallowing and in fact am working hard to realize a vision that finally came clearly to me a month or so ago regarding how I want to go forward to realize my dreams. I'd been knowingly coasting this past year, biding my time until my heartbreak subsided enough that I felt capable of making good decisions regarding the direction I want my life to take. And I've not really been "coasting," in that I've been working consistently with my therapist to define the truth to myself about the person I am, my true strengths, and what kind of work and kind of life suits this "real" me.

 

All that said, I'm finding one thing quite difficult, though not so much that it keeps me from moving forward. It just sits there, deep down, and sometimes rises up and fills me with sadness and the wish for "answers," though intellectually I know I really have all the answers I need. Here's what I'm finding difficult:

 

I can't seem to fully wrap my head around the idea that K and I will never meaningfully speak again. I am at a loss for how to get to that acceptance--perhaps it is just time; after all, my life is moving onward but I know from prior experience how old hopes/regrets can linger.

 

This past weekend, I actually saw K for the first time. Until last week I've only seen him when we are in our respective vehicles, his a very distinctive one, and we've passed one another on the two-lane highway and the various frontage roads around where we live (we live less than a mile apart from each other). But last weekend, I stopped by a community fair, and found myself not twenty feet from him. We were in a crowd and I'm sure he didn't see me--I was sweaty and walking funny because I hurt my back, and my face was hidden in a camo hat and dark sunglasses. He was talking animatedly with two people. I stared for a few seconds, then walked away. And then, later that evening, I was a mess. I just cried and cried, and I was so angry at myself for coming undone in a way I hadn't in a long, long time.

 

I can admit to myself now that I do still love him, even while I also understand how he was not capable of meeting me halfway in a relationship and therefore the relationship needed to end, for my sake. I'm not saying I want to get back together with him. It's more that I struggle to reconcile his consistent silence after all this long time with this sense that we had a genuine/special/deep (not sure of the best word) connection that every sensibility in me says he felt, too, even to the very end. When we broke up, I was CERTAIN, deep down, that he'd reach out. I carried that certainty for a year, and was crushed that he didn't contact me in all that time--it ran counter to all my spidey senses and expectations. So then I set about telling myself that I may never hear from him, that I cannot wait for him, and that it is entirely possible we will never speak again. I worked to accept those possibilities as "facts" at first by trying to understand from his end, and when that led me in circles (since he's not around to give me actual answers straight from his own lips and I realize even then his answers might not make any sense especially given he was so out of touch with his emotions), I set about accepting that yup, we may never speak again, and I may never emotionally understand how things wound up this way.

 

That's where I am now--trying to accept his silence as the final "word" between us, as well as trying to accept that I'll never really understand. Some days, I really do embrace this acceptance without any internal obstacles, and it feels good. But then I find myself sliding into regret and wishing with all my heart that he would contact me, asking to talk, and say he really misses me in his life and cares about me and knows he could have handled things much better and he's sorry.

 

Will time and new circumstances rid me of this lingering wish and regret? What can I do other than keep telling myself to give it up to get to genuine acceptance? ANd what do I do about the fact that I'm STILL emotionally not ready to encounter him out and about?

[Zapbasket]

Well, K finally unfriended me from Facebook. I stopped feeling the need to do it myself, because he so rarely posts and I felt I'd already experienced the bulk of the hurt I was ever going to experience from this relationship and breakup. And, yes, part of me never unfriended him because it was the only remaining connection I had with him, and because I didn't want to seem petty somehow, or bitter. I also have been moving on with my life in a lot of good ways and I felt I could put any new news about him in its proper perspective.

 

And lately, I'd been posting a lot of stuff. I chopped off my hair on Friday and posted pictures of my new cut prior to going backpacking all weekend, and then I posted pictures of a beautiful solo backpacking weekend. I can't help wondering if seeing me looking good and doing lots of cool, adventurous stuff piqued K and he decided he didn't want to see me moving on and doing well.

 

I realized he'd unfriended me late last night; he also removed me as a connection on LinkedIn. Not only that, he unfriended this mutual female friend who'd posted on my wall that she really wanted to go backpacking with me sometime--which means he went through and looked at all my pictures and all the comments on them. He didn't unfriend anyone else. I cried a little, because it was that last crushing of hope, but then I also felt, and feel, that with this last act he has truly shown his lack of character. I spent the whole relationship and its aftermath in disbelief that someone could knowingly be so poorly behaved in a relationship, thinking any time he'd snap out of his funk or whatever it was that made him so standoffish, irritable, disrespectful and diffident, but I suppose he never will.

 

I just wonder, why now? Why unfriend me now, after two whole years of no contact? It just seems really moot at this point. If we'd unfriended each other shortly after the breakup, I'd feel the two-year mark might be a time when you'd reach out to just let some of the water under the bridge. His unfriending me suggests he still harbors ill feeling toward me and he's certainly not indifferent. And it makes me feel less toward him that after all this time he'd further sever things. I'll tell you: I've seen pictures of him and I even saw him from behind a few weeks ago and he looks really bad--just puffy and he's lost a ton of hair in the past two years and he looks really unhealthy and unkempt and unhappy in general. ANd I won't lie: I think he deserves to feel bad and to feel the pain of dealing with life by avoiding any responsibility. I don't wish him well because I really can't forget how he treated me, both in the relationship and in the breakup. He's about to turn 40 in a week or so, and I hope it's hitting him how little he's progressed in his thirties. I know that's mean, perhaps, but it's how I feel.

 

I suppose I thought that maybe he'd feel some remorse by now, or a need to let bygones be bygones. Instead, he just cut me off yet more.

 

I'm not being articulate because I just have a whole mix of weird feelings in light of last night's discovery that don't fully recognize or understand yet.

 

I just feel baffled, and wonder why. Just...ugh.

[BC1980]

GC, as much his unfriending you hurts (and I do agree that it would really sting because he beat you to the punch), try to put it in perspective. Being his "friend" on FB allowed you to live in denial. The reality is that you have not been friends with him in 2 years. For all intents and purposes, the two of you have nothing to do with one another. Defriending on FB was a formality to end what has been gone for quite some time. Social media allows people to live in a fantasy. When put in perspective, his defriending you changes nothing about the situation as it has been for the past 2 years. By remaining friends with him on FB, you allowed yourself to feel that you were still connected to him. You allowed yourself to live in the past, and FB really hindered you from accepting reality.

 

I think that him unfriending you was the best thing for you. You know that I never advocated you remaining FB friends, and this is one of the reasons why. Besides keeping you stuck in the past, you now have to process all of these new emotions related to him unfriending you. You have the added hurt and humiliation that he beat you to the punch. You are basically dealing with another rejection. I'm truly sorry for that because there is no way to sugar coat how that must feel. That is why I blocked my ex's number first. The thought of him doing it to me first was more than I could bear because my pride could not take another hit.

[lana-banana]

Oh, GC, I'm so sorry you're hurting. It could be any number of reasons---the realization it's been two years, seeing you when he didn't want to, finding a new woman who won't tolerate contact with an ex---but it doesn't matter, does it? There's no answer, no external circumstance that can soothe your soul. It will hurt and continue to hurt until you finally feel at peace with the end of your relationship. Only you know when that will be, but I hope it's soon.

[BC1980]

GC,

 

I know that you read Baggage Reclaim, and she has recently started a podcast. The newest podcast is about Facebook, and I think you might find it really helpful in putting what has happened into perspective. If you go to the Baggage Reclaim blog, scroll down and to the right. You will see a list of her podcasts to listen to for free.

[Zapbasket]

I don't think I will ever feel "at peace" with the ending of this relationship. I think I am already well underway in accepting that the circumstances of this whole thing will never feel good; the hook it has left in my heart will always be there; but at the same time my life is moving forward and I'm mostly back to being the strong, generally optimistic person I always have been. Honestly, seeing how I have dealt with this blow and the incumbent hardships where I live, I have gained so much more respect for myself. I think I'm pretty awesome, actually, and it feels good finally to be able to see myself through my own approving eyes. I've always been my worst critic to a debilitating degree, and that is finally shifting.

 

So, I'm fine. Yes, K unfriending me stirred up more than a bit of hurt, but honestly, I can handle it. It's just another way he showed himself to be less than I believed him to be. I've already been so disappointed in him that further disappointment doesn't really faze me that much. After all, why should I expect otherwise? I have watched every hope I had in relationship to this person be crushed one by painful one. It gets predictable after a while, and I'm much more numb to it than I would have been a year ago, when I was still expecting from him.

 

I have a suitor--a coworker who has decided that I'm the most "amazing and interesting person" he's "ever met." Yet we went on a date and he parked right along a fence and when I said, "I don't have enough room to get out of the car," he asked me, "Are you scared to climb over the driver's seat to get out?" And I simply replied, "I think I'd just like to get out from my passenger door." And in that moment, my interest fizzled. Seriously, what a douche. There were other douchey things--multiple demonstrations of his lack of emotional awareness, comparable intellect, general maturity--that in this moment coalesced in my mind into a big, "No." So when he asked me later on that evening if he could kiss me, it was easy as pie for me to say no.

 

And I realized in this how much stronger I have become. I will not entertain di*khead behavior. Ii will not dumb myself down to match someone else's lack of cultural sophistication or general intellect, and I will not make excuses for someone's lack of common courtesy. All these things previously were habits of mine, that I did without even thinking.

 

No, I will never not hurt from what happened with K. I will always remember him with sadness and the wish that things could have gone differently. But already I have begun to grow to something better. I already feel like the "winner," if there really is a "winner" in this scenario. K had told my mother that I didn't belong here where we live, and I've used these past two years to eke out something for myself here--with new friends, new adventures, acquisition of new skills, and overall grace under pressure and in bad times. It's not perfect; it's not all I want; but it's a sure thing that I have made far more strides towards the life I want than K has. So let him unfriend me. Let him further ban me from his life. It's HIS life that's less for the severed connection, not mine. The past two years alone are proof.

[BC1980]

I just read this post, and I had to comment about the date that parked the car near the fence. What in the world? Who would expect someone to climb over the driver's side? I can't even. . . .

 

I'm proud of you for staying where you are and making it work.

[Zapbasket]

I just read this post, and I had to comment about the date that parked the car near the fence. What in the world? Who would expect someone to climb over the driver's side? I can't even. . . .

 

Right??? Sometimes I feel like I should collect these ridiculous dating experiences and write a humor piece about them. Like the guy who said, while holding up the back of my pants on a steep mountain summit to keep me from falling over a ledge, "Don't worry, I won't let you go; otherwise I won't get to go on a date with you." Mind you, I'd JUST met him, and he was repulsive in a number of ways while also being the only other person on the summit that day. But this guy, the car guy: it gets better. Because he's my coworker, I told him straight up why I lost interest and did not intend ever to go on another date with him, and while I didn't go into the evinced lack of emotional maturity and intellect, I did call him out on the car thing. And this is what he said:

 

"I just thought since you are so adventurous, you wouldn't mind just climbing over the seat to get out on the driver's side."

 

And I was stupefied. I replied, "I'm sorry, dude, but that is seriously about the douche-iest thing I've ever heard. I mean, with that logic, why stop at the driver's seat? Why not have made me ride on the roof of the car, since I'm so 'adventurous'?" He apologized, but also said he couldn't understand why we had this difference of opinion about the car situation. He said he thought most women would just climb over, no big deal. And I said, "I can assure you that most if not all women--all people, even--would expect to be let out before you parked so they'd have room to get out on the passenger side." Omg what a DOUCHE! He then emailed me that night a long list of justifications for his behavior (because I also called him out on his pushiness--he wanted to see me EVERY DAY after work when we already work together, weekends, too, and would act offended that I had other plans, and even signed up for a volunteer trail work camping weekend I was doing as well as signed up for a field course I was taking so "he could spend as much time with me as possible"), and I finally had to tell him to leave me alone or I was going to go to HR. So far, he has complied and I meanwhile removed him from FB, blocked his email on my personal email account, deleted and blocked his number and do everything I can to be sure I don't "encourage" him in any way. But really: ugh. That was all just so douchey I felt like I was in a bad comedy series.

 

I'm proud of you for staying where you are and making it work.

Thanks. I'm still pretty unhappy socially, and it's gotten to the point where I am beginning to think I need to leave in order to continue progressing in my life. But for now I'm trying to focus on developing artistically by committing once again to writing my book; I even just bought a MacBook Pro to help with that as I've not had a computer at home since April. Especially because I'm so isolated socially in terms of the kind of people I meet around here just not being my cup of tea overall, it's really great to go through this painful process of breakup recovery with you, and others here on LS. ((hugs))

Edited October 20, 2015 by GreenCove

[Zapbasket]

Well, since it seems people still read this thread, I will continue it with an update. First, the positive: for my birthday in September, I attended an all-day writing workshop followed by a night and day of solo hiking and backpacking in a different part of the state. I signed up for the workshop to honor my intention to finish writing my first book. I had no expectation that something other than that would come of it, but luck had it that a woman I met in the workshop invited me to join a group she started that was built off the book, "The Artist's Way." I was reluctant at first, because so many social groups and such where I live have proved so vacant and disappointing over the years, but I told myself to give it a try and...HIT SOCIAL PAYDIRT! Met a great group of women who each have creative projects they're trying to get off the ground, and the purpose of our group is to support one another in getting going. We meet at a different restaurant every Wednesday and have a great time, and I'm learning so much from them, while also getting full-throttle back into writing my book. Those of you who have followed this thread know that I live in a small mountain town that can be very cliquey and vapid and I have been lonely a lot of the time. I'm so encouraged finally to have met some really wonderful women--fun, intelligent, ambitious, kind; in other words, my kind of people.

 

Now for my reason for posting. I decided after my breakup to keep up with K's (my ex's) mom. She and I were fond of each other from the get-go, before I started dating K, and she has been kind to me ever since I moved here, in manifold ways. I decided to act on being the kind-hearted person I perceive myself to be, and keep up a relationship with her, that she has made effort to keep up, as well. We exchange notes on FB periodically, and via text, and we get together every once and a while and exchange birthday and Christmas presents.

 

Anyway, we got together on Thursday for the first time since late February. We talked about her parents, my mom, our work at the same company, some people we mutually know, cool stuff her younger son (not K) is up to athletically. When I was telling her some stuff I was up to, she asked me whether I was dating or had dated anyone. I told her I'd gone on some dates, but nothing that went anywhere or with anyone I was really interested in.

 

She then told me about K. How he is spending most of his time these days in the mountain town several hours away from ours where they have a family ranch. How he is spending all his free time re-building the old abandoned house on the ranch in which his great-grandparents lived. How he dressed up for Halloween in old snowmobiling gear that belonged to his grandfather, and is getting thin like he was in high school with all his manual labor and "fun things" he does on weekends (I imagine hunting, backcountry skiing, mountain biking--all of which he enjoys doing).

 

It seemed safe to ask so I asked her, "Is K dating?" She told me that like me, he'd been on some dates here and there but nothing serious. And that his cousin, who lives near the ranch, keeps trying to set him up but K is not into it. She also said this:

 

"I told K I don't want to meet anyone he dates from now on unless he is really serious about her."

 

"Yeah," I replied, "it really complicates things to get the families involved when it's not even serious."

 

She looked a bit sad after that, and so I wrapped up this segment of our conversation by saying, "It sounds like he's doing well, then?"

 

And she said, "Yes, I think he's doing really well."

 

It didn't hit me right away, but once Friday came I felt really, really low. There was a shadow over my whole weekend, and I cried my eyes out on Friday. I found myself feeling unfairly angry at her, for being able to tell me K is "doing well" and acting like he's moving on to bigger and better things. I know that wasn't the message she was trying to send, and I know she'd never intentionally hurt me, AND I know that, well, what else can she say other than what she said? But I felt hurt that it seems like K never suffered, or if he did, only shallow-ly and not for very long. Not like me, for whom this breakup was a life-changer. It just hurts that what was not out on the table between his mom and me was how much he hurt me, and how poorly he treated me, and I guess I wanted to hear that he has had to face real consequences for dropping me like I never meant anything. I know his mom was very chagrined at him for how he broke up with me, and even that he ended the relationship at all, and over a year ago she essentially told me I could do better.

 

I can't even go into why hearing he is fixing up the old house on the family ranch bugs me, but suffice it to say this was an option for him all along, and he always talked about how nothing was as good as the ranch, no one was as good as his childhood friends who still live in that town, and I never got to be a part of any of it because he was stewing around being indecisive and stuck and that's what I got to deal with while we were together and now supposedly he's just hunky-dory back in his hometown?

 

I wanted to write here because I found myself feeling really low in a way I hadn't in a long time. I just feel so...discarded, and I guess I find myself resenting K's mom's loyalty to him, which of course I know is unfair, if understandable. Anyone have any thoughts that can help? I don't know what I'm looking for, really.

[organizedchaos]

Well, since it seems people still read this thread, I will continue it with an update. First, the positive: for my birthday in September, I attended an all-day writing workshop followed by a night and day of solo hiking and backpacking in a different part of the state. I signed up for the workshop to honor my intention to finish writing my first book. I had no expectation that something other than that would come of it, but luck had it that a woman I met in the workshop invited me to join a group she started that was built off the book, "The Artist's Way." I was reluctant at first, because so many social groups and such where I live have proved so vacant and disappointing over the years, but I told myself to give it a try and...HIT SOCIAL PAYDIRT! Met a great group of women who each have creative projects they're trying to get off the ground, and the purpose of our group is to support one another in getting going. We meet at a different restaurant every Wednesday and have a great time, and I'm learning so much from them, while also getting full-throttle back into writing my book. Those of you who have followed this thread know that I live in a small mountain town that can be very cliquey and vapid and I have been lonely a lot of the time. I'm so encouraged finally to have met some really wonderful women--fun, intelligent, ambitious, kind; in other words, my kind of people.

 

Now for my reason for posting. I decided after my breakup to keep up with K's (my ex's) mom. She and I were fond of each other from the get-go, before I started dating K, and she has been kind to me ever since I moved here, in manifold ways. I decided to act on being the kind-hearted person I perceive myself to be, and keep up a relationship with her, that she has made effort to keep up, as well. We exchange notes on FB periodically, and via text, and we get together every once and a while and exchange birthday and Christmas presents.

 

Anyway, we got together on Thursday for the first time since late February. We talked about her parents, my mom, our work at the same company, some people we mutually know, cool stuff her younger son (not K) is up to athletically. When I was telling her some stuff I was up to, she asked me whether I was dating or had dated anyone. I told her I'd gone on some dates, but nothing that went anywhere or with anyone I was really interested in.

 

She then told me about K. How he is spending most of his time these days in the mountain town several hours away from ours where they have a family ranch. How he is spending all his free time re-building the old abandoned house on the ranch in which his great-grandparents lived. How he dressed up for Halloween in old snowmobiling gear that belonged to his grandfather, and is getting thin like he was in high school with all his manual labor and "fun things" he does on weekends (I imagine hunting, backcountry skiing, mountain biking--all of which he enjoys doing).

 

It seemed safe to ask so I asked her, "Is K dating?" She told me that like me, he'd been on some dates here and there but nothing serious. And that his cousin, who lives near the ranch, keeps trying to set him up but K is not into it. She also said this:

 

"I told K I don't want to meet anyone he dates from now on unless he is really serious about her."

 

"Yeah," I replied, "it really complicates things to get the families involved when it's not even serious."

 

She looked a bit sad after that, and so I wrapped up this segment of our conversation by saying, "It sounds like he's doing well, then?"

 

And she said, "Yes, I think he's doing really well."

 

It didn't hit me right away, but once Friday came I felt really, really low. There was a shadow over my whole weekend, and I cried my eyes out on Friday. I found myself feeling unfairly angry at her, for being able to tell me K is "doing well" and acting like he's moving on to bigger and better things. I know that wasn't the message she was trying to send, and I know she'd never intentionally hurt me, AND I know that, well, what else can she say other than what she said? But I felt hurt that it seems like K never suffered, or if he did, only shallow-ly and not for very long. Not like me, for whom this breakup was a life-changer. It just hurts that what was not out on the table between his mom and me was how much he hurt me, and how poorly he treated me, and I guess I wanted to hear that he has had to face real consequences for dropping me like I never meant anything. I know his mom was very chagrined at him for how he broke up with me, and even that he ended the relationship at all, and over a year ago she essentially told me I could do better.

 

I can't even go into why hearing he is fixing up the old house on the family ranch bugs me, but suffice it to say this was an option for him all along, and he always talked about how nothing was as good as the ranch, no one was as good as his childhood friends who still live in that town, and I never got to be a part of any of it because he was stewing around being indecisive and stuck and that's what I got to deal with while we were together and now supposedly he's just hunky-dory back in his hometown?

 

I wanted to write here because I found myself feeling really low in a way I hadn't in a long time. I just feel so...discarded, and I guess I find myself resenting K's mom's loyalty to him, which of course I know is unfair, if understandable. Anyone have any thoughts that can help? I don't know what I'm looking for, really.

 

I'm confused, but if I understand this correctly, you resent your ex's mom having loyalty to her son??? Which actually, she didn't do anything wrong, she just answered a question YOU asked her.

 

This is all on you for maintaining any sort of contact with your ex. I haven't read the entire thread, but how long has it been since the breakup that you're still not over it?

[lana-banana]

I read your update in the morning and throughout the day mused on how to respond. As much as I miss reading your writing (I've said it before: you have a tremendous gift for capturing the nuances of heartbreak), it makes me happy to see that you're moving forward. And you really are moving forward---so far forward, in fact, that this little dip seems all the more dramatic because you haven't felt so low in such a long time. It's awesome that you've met new people you can relate to! Hopefully that makes life in your town a little more bearable.

 

I'm not sure what to say about the interaction with K's mother. Of course it's understandable to want exes to suffer on some small, petty level, but you can't expect people to "face consequences" for what they did. Breakups, no matter how painful, are neither a sin nor a crime. There is no obligation for parties to share the hurt. I know I haven't hurt much if at all when I was doing the breaking up.

 

One of the hardest parts of moving on is accepting that relationships end because our partners think their lives will be better without us and, oftentimes, they are---they go on to do all the things they wanted to do, they make a lot of self-improvements, they end up becoming the happiest, best versions of themselves. It's especially grating to think that some lucky woman will go on to experience that best version. But at the end of the day, someone who doesn't want to go through that process with you was never a good fit in the first place.

 

Think about how far you've come since you started this thread. This interaction was just one bad moment out of so many good ones. Progress isn't a straight line; we all slip sometimes on our struggle upwards. If you can't abandon your relationship with K's mother, you should at least try not to bring up K for your own sake.

[BC1980]

It didn't hit me right away, but once Friday came I felt really, really low. There was a shadow over my whole weekend, and I cried my eyes out on Friday. I found myself feeling unfairly angry at her, for being able to tell me K is "doing well" and acting like he's moving on to bigger and better things. I know that wasn't the message she was trying to send, and I know she'd never intentionally hurt me, AND I know that, well, what else can she say other than what she said? But I felt hurt that it seems like K never suffered, or if he did, only shallow-ly and not for very long. Not like me, for whom this breakup was a life-changer. It just hurts that what was not out on the table between his mom and me was how much he hurt me, and how poorly he treated me, and I guess I wanted to hear that he has had to face real consequences for dropping me like I never meant anything. I know his mom was very chagrined at him for how he broke up with me, and even that he ended the relationship at all, and over a year ago she essentially told me I could do better.

 

I think it's interesting that you realized your anger toward K's mom was unfair, but the problem is that emotions aren't logical. You feel the way you feel, and it hurts. I remember when some mutual friends went to my ex's wedding. I had to check myself because I started to feel very hurt that they went to the wedding. I felt really hurt when some friends liked a FB photo of my ex and his wife. It's ridiculous isn't it? But it did sting. I know that all of those people love me just as much and don't even really think too deeply about it, bit it did hurt me at the time.

 

You can't really help how you react to things, but you can minimize the triggers. For instance, if you remain friends with K's mom, I would shut down any conversation about K. I chose not to remain friends with my ex's sister to avoid just what happened to you this past weekend. It was a tough decision, but, ultimately, I felt that I could live with sacrificing that relationship for my well being.

 

Also, you have to try to put all of this into perspective and be objective about it. So K is happy. What does that have to do with your life? Why does the fact that he is happy reflect on you in any way? His choices are not a judgement on you. You have your own life to live. The reality is that my ex is probably happy in his marriage, but what does that have to do with me? Does that mean I am worthless because one person in this world didn't want to be with me? I personally feel much freer without him. I am free to pursue many things that I otherwise would not have pursued, and I am happier for it. If you evaluate your life, you might find that you feel the same.

[BC1980]

But I felt hurt that it seems like K never suffered, or if he did, only shallow-ly and not for very long. Not like me, for whom this breakup was a life-changer. It just hurts that what was not out on the table between his mom and me was how much he hurt me, and how poorly he treated me, and I guess I wanted to hear that he has had to face real consequences for dropping me like I never meant anything.

 

I wanted to speak to this part specifically. I think at many points in life, we all feel this way about one thing or another. When someone hurts you deeply, you want that person to understand what they have done to you, and you want that person to hurt just as badly. I totally get that. It seems only fair, right? Life never seems to work out that way, though. We often get slighted, and no one understands us. Breakups seem to take that idea to a whole new level.

 

What K's journey, that is his journey. Your journey is for you now. You will never move on if you feel he owes you something. Once you accept that you can never collect that debt, you can set yourself free.

[Zapbasket]

Huge thanks to both you and BC1980 for taking the time to respond. You've both given me much to think about. I'll try to respond as best I can for now.

 

I read your update in the morning and throughout the day mused on how to respond. As much as I miss reading your writing (I've said it before: you have a tremendous gift for capturing the nuances of heartbreak), it makes me happy to see that you're moving forward. And you really are moving forward---so far forward, in fact, that this little dip seems all the more dramatic because you haven't felt so low in such a long time. It's awesome that you've met new people you can relate to! Hopefully that makes life in your town a little more bearable.

 

Responding to the bolded bit: I have to tell you, you and others on this thread saying that this thread has been helpful in your/their own heartbreaks, and that the way I write about my breakup experience makes this thread somehow compelling / helps people recognize their own, similar feelings, has really helped give me the confidence I need to finish my book. I've always pushed aside my art--both music and writing--because I've felt I need to find something more "practical," but through the therapy I've received these past couple of years and just my life experience, and being awake to my experience in perhaps a more nuanced way as time goes on, I am beginning to feel certain that at least for me, nothing could be more "practical" than to make that commitment to write the things I keep yearning to write. So, thank you for being part of the force that has pushed me in this new direction and attitude about my artistic pursuits. Really, I can't thank you enough for that.

 

I'm not sure what to say about the interaction with K's mother. Of course it's understandable to want exes to suffer on some small, petty level, but you can't expect people to "face consequences" for what they did. Breakups, no matter how painful, are neither a sin nor a crime. There is no obligation for parties to share the hurt. I know I haven't hurt much if at all when I was doing the breaking up.

 

Intellectually I agree with you 100%. Emotionally, where my own experience is concerned, I can't seem to push past the incredible hurt that K just threw everything away after putting in so little effort, while all of us (his mom, me, his family as a whole) were compensating for all he was not doing. This applied to the rest of his life, not just our relationship. It's so hard not to take it personally, as a statement of my worth. I gave him 3.5 years that I will never get back. I gave myself wholly, honestly, and with love. I have questioned and re-questioned that, and I find that it is the truth. It makes me so sad and makes me feel so small sometimes that here I am, at age 39, and no one has really seemed to truly value me in the deepest sense. I know I am well-liked. I know I have a positive impact on people around me. But this relationship with K I cared about the most of all, and he just threw it, and me, away. He didn't even care enough to face me to tell me he didn't want to go on. He never contacted me in all these two years. It's a hard pill for me to digest. I do feel disrespected, undervalued, unseen. Intellectually I'm not in this place so much as emotionally; my emotions have been very slow to catch on.

 

You're right, that I'm moving forward. I can see so many great changes. I am very proud of how I've managed after this breakup and in the face of so many disappointments that have occurred in the past 5 or so years. A friend said to me recently, "Maybe this breakup is teaching you how to begin to truly love yourself." And maybe she is right; maybe that is the lesson I am beginning--just beginning--how to learn.

 

One of the hardest parts of moving on is accepting that relationships end because our partners think their lives will be better without us and, oftentimes, they are---they go on to do all the things they wanted to do, they make a lot of self-improvements, they end up becoming the happiest, best versions of themselves. It's especially grating to think that some lucky woman will go on to experience that best version. But at the end of the day, someone who doesn't want to go through that process with you was never a good fit in the first place.

 

Oooohhh, Lala, this HURTS to read!!! Even though I see the truth in what you're saying. It's just...how do you not take it personally, that someone served you a lot of garbage and then he pulls it together and begins serving gourmet meals (metaphorically speaking, of course)? I think what hurt me in my visit with his mom is that feeling that if it's true--IF it's true, and I have my doubts--that he is doing so well and is so happy, then it feels like I was just a silent ship passing through the river of his sleep, like I couldn't inspire him to wake up and attend to something special that came his way.

 

And I realize: it's not just feelings of being unworthy. It's also, I'll admit, some big fat ego on my part. I think I'm pretty awesome--far from perfect, of course, but the kind of person of whom you take notice when I come into your life--and so there's a part of me that finds it utterly incomprehensible that he could have discarded me in such a "shrug, whatever" way.

 

Think about how far you've come since you started this thread. This interaction was just one bad moment out of so many good ones. Progress isn't a straight line; we all slip sometimes on our struggle upwards. If you can't abandon your relationship with K's mother, you should at least try not to bring up K for your own sake.

 

That's a good suggestion. I do so love her and it seems no matter how much hurt keeping up with her causes me, I can't bring myself to hurt her by cutting her off. I think she would, indeed, be hurt. Maybe we'll just need to agree going forward not to discuss him. But not where he's the elephant in the room, just where we focus on the other things we can enjoy talking about.

[Zapbasket]

I think it's interesting that you realized your anger toward K's mom was unfair, but the problem is that emotions aren't logical. You feel the way you feel, and it hurts. I remember when some mutual friends went to my ex's wedding. I had to check myself because I started to feel very hurt that they went to the wedding. I felt really hurt when some friends liked a FB photo of my ex and his wife. It's ridiculous isn't it? But it did sting. I know that all of those people love me just as much and don't even really think too deeply about it, bit it did hurt me at the time.

 

You can't really help how you react to things, but you can minimize the triggers. For instance, if you remain friends with K's mom, I would shut down any conversation about K. I chose not to remain friends with my ex's sister to avoid just what happened to you this past weekend. It was a tough decision, but, ultimately, I felt that I could live with sacrificing that relationship for my well being.

 

Also, you have to try to put all of this into perspective and be objective about it. So K is happy. What does that have to do with your life? Why does the fact that he is happy reflect on you in any way? His choices are not a judgement on you. You have your own life to live. The reality is that my ex is probably happy in his marriage, but what does that have to do with me? Does that mean I am worthless because one person in this world didn't want to be with me? I personally feel much freer without him. I am free to pursue many things that I otherwise would not have pursued, and I am happier for it. If you evaluate your life, you might find that you feel the same.

 

I definitely agree with that last statement: K held me back. I can't say it was really him, though. I think I have frankly needed this time to myself to steer myself onto a more authentic path, rather than being stuck in that pattern of apologizing for myself all the time. I'm still steering; hence, I'm still not seeking to get into another relationship just yet. But with K, yeah. He made the first couple of years of being new in this new part of the country, adjusting from living in a huge major city to living in a mountain town knowing no one and not even knowing how to drive, much harder than if I'd been on my own. But I take responsibility for that: I chose to get into a relationship before I'd gotten settled here.

 

I see what you mean, that your ex being happy in his marriage doesn't mean you are worth "less." But does it not rankle you a bit, why he seemingly could not be "happy" with you but could be "happy" with this other woman? I guess I'm too caught up still in my own ego, that I can't stand to think that it was only with me that my ex was so unhappy. Which is why, in low times, I go searching for evidence that he's the same generally unhappy person he always was, and his state of being had nothing to do with me, but with his psychological problems. I guess my ego really is getting in my way, and I don't know how to get out of my way.

 

That must have hurt, that some of your mutual friends went to his wedding. Did you discuss it with any of them? Or did any of them acknowledge to you that they understood it was hard for you? I'd be hurt, too, in your shoes, even while I simultaneously would support them going--after all, they're his friends, too. Still, emotionally I'd struggle, too.

[Zapbasket]

I wanted to speak to this part specifically. I think at many points in life, we all feel this way about one thing or another. When someone hurts you deeply, you want that person to understand what they have done to you, and you want that person to hurt just as badly. I totally get that. It seems only fair, right? Life never seems to work out that way, though. We often get slighted, and no one understands us. Breakups seem to take that idea to a whole new level.

 

What K's journey, that is his journey. Your journey is for you now. You will never move on if you feel he owes you something. Once you accept that you can never collect that debt, you can set yourself free.

 

As usual, you are exactly right. I am, if I'm being completely honest, still holding on to the feeling of being owed something. An apology. A conversation that he initiates. Something meaningful. How do I let that go? It's like I think I've let it go, and then there's some trigger or other, and I find myself once again fairly seething that I was left so empty-handed, as I perceive.

[BC1980]

As usual, you are exactly right. I am, if I'm being completely honest, still holding on to the feeling of being owed something. An apology. A conversation that he initiates. Something meaningful. How do I let that go? It's like I think I've let it go, and then there's some trigger or other, and I find myself once again fairly seething that I was left so empty-handed, as I perceive.

 

I read a great article on forgiveness, and I'll try to paraphrase what helped me the most. The only way to let all of that go is to really accept that K can never give you anything that you feel he owes you. It's not about fair or unfair. It's the fact that he can't repay you anything. He just doesn't have that capability. It's not like a monetary debt that you can repay for the amount that was borrowed. An emotional debt isn't black and white. The only way he could make you feel any better is by erasing all that has transpired, and we both know that's not possible. So really, your goal has to become accepting this reality. I think it would be helpful to remember that you are the only one holding onto this debt, and you are only hurting yourself by not letting it go. When you think of it in those terms, it becomes a lot easier to move on.

 

I can empathize with all that you are feeling. For a long time, I held onto this horrible grudge against my ex. I felt it was so unfair that he had caused me so much pain and was now probably living a happy life without me. It just seemed so unfair. So I do understand where you are coming from, and it's completely normal to feel that way. But I think that we overestimate how much we mean to our exes once they leave us. Honestly, they aren't moving on to spite us, and they aren't thinking of it in the same terms we are. Just keep living your life, and let that be enough. Keep accomplishing your goals. The writing group is a great idea, and I'm so happy that you found that.

[BC1980]

Oooohhh, Lala, this HURTS to read!!! Even though I see the truth in what you're saying. It's just...how do you not take it personally, that someone served you a lot of garbage and then he pulls it together and begins serving gourmet meals (metaphorically speaking, of course)? I think what hurt me in my visit with his mom is that feeling that if it's true--IF it's true, and I have my doubts--that he is doing so well and is so happy, then it feels like I was just a silent ship passing through the river of his sleep, like I couldn't inspire him to wake up and attend to something special that came his way.

 

And I realize: it's not just feelings of being unworthy. It's also, I'll admit, some big fat ego on my part. I think I'm pretty awesome--far from perfect, of course, but the kind of person of whom you take notice when I come into your life--and so there's a part of me that finds it utterly incomprehensible that he could have discarded me in such a "shrug, whatever" way.

 

During my dating years, I've realized that we just aren't compatible with some people. Be is as friends or romantic partners. Maybe we are compatible in some key areas, and one person simply doesn't feel strongly enough to move forward. I don't think that fact needs to be a judgement on either party. If my ex didn't love me enough to marry me, that's not something he can control. I've never held that against him. I've held some other things against him but not that. You can't control how you feel about a person. There is a guy at work that is really into me, but I don't feel the same way. I can't control that, but it's not a judgement on him. Try to extend the same grace to yourself.

 

Being perfect on paper means nothing. People stay together based on emotions, and emotions are transient. Emotions change over time. How you feel about a person today may be completely different 10 years from now. I think we all have a little narcissism in us, but we've got to keep it in check. We all want to think we are indispensable to another person, especially a person who left us. But we aren't necessary to their lives, and they aren't necessary to our lives. Try not to take it so personally. I know that's difficult to ask, but life is very difficult if you take things so personally.

[SunlightJune]

I might as well join in on this conversation because each post helps me a little more each time I write about it. Me and my ex broke up months ago, but I only found out 2 months ago that he got married earlier this year. If anyone had seen the breakdown and the crying I went through that night for hours, you would think I was on a stage playing a Shakespeare character. It was crushing. I couldn't even breathe through the tears and the shock. The weird part, is that we weren't even together for 1 year. But he was the best boyfriend I've had and we went soo many places together, soo many memories. Knowing he's making new memories with someone else every day is heartbreaking. I don't know what to say other than I hope my story gives you some comfort in knowing there are other people out there going through the same thing - and in that regard, you are so not alone.

[BC1980]

I see what you mean, that your ex being happy in his marriage doesn't mean you are worth "less." But does it not rankle you a bit, why he seemingly could not be "happy" with you but could be "happy" with this other woman? I guess I'm too caught up still in my own ego, that I can't stand to think that it was only with me that my ex was so unhappy. Which is why, in low times, I go searching for evidence that he's the same generally unhappy person he always was, and his state of being had nothing to do with me, but with his psychological problems. I guess my ego really is getting in my way, and I don't know how to get out of my way.

 

That must have hurt, that some of your mutual friends went to his wedding. Did you discuss it with any of them? Or did any of them acknowledge to you that they understood it was hard for you? I'd be hurt, too, in your shoes, even while I simultaneously would support them going--after all, they're his friends, too. Still, emotionally I'd struggle, too.

 

I never felt particularly jealous or less than his wife. It hurt of course, but I think it was more of a hurt that he moved on without much pain while I was in tremendous pain. It was hurt that he misled me for 3 years and never showed an ounce of empathy for my feelings. Hurt that I would never see his son again. I felt all of that wasn't fair, and that is one of the reasons I struggled to move on. I never cared much about his wife though. I don't know her.

 

The mutual friends are friends that I share with his wife. See, all three of us worked at the same hospital (his wife, me, and my ex), so we have a ton of mutual friends and acquaintances. It's actually surprising that I had never run into her. My ex doesn't really have any friends to be honest. One friend, in particular, did tell me that she felt very torn about attending the wedding and understood if I was hurt. I told her that she doesn't owe it to me not to attend. She can support both of us, and it's all okay in the end. I've had several people ask me how I was doing and express that they understand how difficult all of this must be. It was very kind of them to do so. The entire situation is just kind of weird and awkward.

 

An interesting side note: one of our mutual friends received a text from my ex after she was in car crash. He was asking is she was okay, ect. This friend came up to me and told me what a great BF I had because he would be so nice to text her like that. I told her that we weren't together anymore, and she looked so shocked. I couldn't believe she hadn't heard through the grapevine that we weren't together. She's not a close friend, but she's a friend. It turns out that my ex had already started dating his new wife, and she was the one who told him about the car crash. So I guess they were keeping their relationship under wraps for awhile. That entire incident made me think that something was up. I could never figure out how he found out about this person's car crash because, like I said, he has no friends. I figured there was a link somewhere, but I couldn't put the whole picture together at that point.

[lana-banana]

You have frequently lamented the gulf between your rational knowledge of the situation and your emotional healing. One of the benefits of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is that it places your emotions within a rational framework, allowing you to recognize your feelings while still processing them from a strictly intellectual perspective.

 

Oooohhh, Lala, this HURTS to read!!! Even though I see the truth in what you're saying. It's just...how do you not take it personally, that someone served you a lot of garbage and then he pulls it together and begins serving gourmet meals (metaphorically speaking, of course)? I think what hurt me in my visit with his mom is that feeling that if it's true--IF it's true, and I have my doubts--that he is doing so well and is so happy, then it feels like I was just a silent ship passing through the river of his sleep, like I couldn't inspire him to wake up and attend to something special that came his way.

 

And I realize: it's not just feelings of being unworthy. It's also, I'll admit, some big fat ego on my part. I think I'm pretty awesome--far from perfect, of course, but the kind of person of whom you take notice when I come into your life--and so there's a part of me that finds it utterly incomprehensible that he could have discarded me in such a "shrug, whatever" way.

 

As usual, BC1980 said it more succinctly and gracefully than I ever could, but I'll reiterate: it's not personal. Someone's decision to break up with you isn't a reflection on your value as a human being. It doesn't matter how awesome you are, no one is "pretty awesome" to everyone in the world, not even Lupita Nyong'o.

 

You cannot forcibly inspire anyone. I have had boyfriends end our relationships because they didn't feel a spark, they were bored, etc. My current boyfriend says I inspire him every day to be a better person, and sure enough since we've started dating he's gained a ton of muscle, started reading more, and pursued new hobbies. He calls me his muse. Have I done anything particularly different with him than the other men I've dated? No. It's just that we motivate each other. It's that weird mutual ignition of passion and devotion that "chemistry" is all about.

 

Haven't you ever had a job or a class that, while not horrible and could actually be quite good at times, just wasn't the right fit for you? It probably caused a lot of undue stress and weighed down your everyday life. Eventually you were motivated to leave. When you did and you moved on to a better job, you were a happier, brighter person. Your whole life improved. Relationships are similar.

 

I see what you mean, that your ex being happy in his marriage doesn't mean you are worth "less." But does it not rankle you a bit, why he seemingly could not be "happy" with you but could be "happy" with this other woman? I guess I'm too caught up still in my own ego, that I can't stand to think that it was only with me that my ex was so unhappy. Which is why, in low times, I go searching for evidence that he's the same generally unhappy person he always was, and his state of being had nothing to do with me, but with his psychological problems. I guess my ego really is getting in my way, and I don't know how to get out of my way.

 

Of course it's slightly annoying to see an ex who's happier with their current partner than you, but you can't hold that against them. No one is obligated to find us the best of all possible partners. You cannot begrudge someone for finding someone who better fulfills their physical, spiritual and emotional needs. Honestly, it's better for them to be happy with someone than stay in a mutually unsatisfying situation with you.

 

There's a spot in me that's still raw over how Worst Ex treated me years ago. Once in a blue moon, something will remind me of the lowest moments during our breakup and for a split second I feel the pain just as sharply as though it were happening all over again. But over time that raw spot has gotten smaller and smaller, to the point where I can be amused at my own reactions like an old athlete joking about his bum knee. It's a war wound; it's made me who I am. It may never fully go away and I'm all right with that.

Edited December 9, 2015 by lana-banana

[Zapbasket]

Thank you so much for the replies. I wanted to respond right away but I had such a swirl of feelings all week, just this contradictory stew of feelings towards his mom that has continued in part because her birthday is tomorrow. We have a pattern of acknowledging one another's birthdays with a gift and such, and there's a part of me that just wants to drop it because the contact maybe hurts me too much. That meeting with her a week and a half ago really stirred up a bunch of stuff.

 

I've thought a lot about what gets me stuck emotionally with this breakup. I can accept not being "The One" for someone, I think; I can accept that sometimes relationships just don't work out for one reason or other. What gets me with the breakup with K is that this was not a balanced, present relationship partner deciding I just "wasn't his cup of tea" after 3.5 years; this was a person who exhibited all throughout the relationship significant issues, who really didn't treat me very well though he did have good points here and there, and then who, after not doing any real self-examination, just threw the relationship away and blamed me for everything, though he did offer what I call a "drive-by" apology for his "behavior that has hurt me throughout the relationship." That really pissed me off, because he obviously KNEW his behavior was bad, but didn't do a thing to change it in the relationship, got mad at me instead for pointing it out to him, and then rather than bother to work on anything just tossed our relationship out.

 

I know it's my fault for staying for someone for 3.5 years who didn't treat me well. I didn't listen to my instincts, that from the get-go were screaming that he had serious problems and I needed to get out. One reason I didn't listen was because his mom kept trying to frame his behavior and lack of motivation to do anything with himself as "normal." Just like she did in our meet-up last week. As much as it hurts to hear he's "doing well," there's a part of me that KNOWS it's bulls*t, and KNOWS his mom knows it, too. But she always vacillated between denial and recognition of her son's problems, and that's where I have felt anger towards her this past week: I just can't tolerate anyone in my life who acts like this breakup was just, "Ho-hum, you guys just didn't work out and now everything is hunky-dory." I can't tolerate it because it created a tremendous amount of hurt much of which I had to deal with alone because when we broke up I had few to no friends where I live. It has taken a huge toll on my psyche, such that I don't even know how to articulate how deep the hurt went. I have had to deal with it every day, and I've done great with moving forward, but there's this part that just can't let go and I'm trying to shake myself free of it.

 

BC1980, you say you accept that your ex is "happier" with this new woman, but really, do you think he has it in his DNA to ever seek or find happiness the way you or I would define it? Don't you think he's probably doing the same with his now wife as he did with you? Subtly putting her down. Being emotionally distant. A general emotional disconnect. Being hard on his son as well as her. I mean, come on, those behaviors don't easily go away, and only ever are minimized when a person commits very intently to working on improving, usually through sustained psychotherapy or some similar intervention. And even then, it takes YEARS. If I were a friend you met for coffee and such, I'd not let you say, "Oh, he wasn't happy with me and now that he has a different woman, NOW he's happy." That is bullsh*t.

 

When I apply that thinking to my own situation with K, I see more clearly what makes me so angry--or, what made me so angry + a bunch of other unclear emotions this past week since seeing his mom. It's the idea that he could treat a significant relationship, and a rich, present, passionate, loving person like me, who was very involved in his family and allowed myself to be vulnerable and real with him, like it was NOTHING, and knowingly treat me badly as he fairly admitted in his last communication to me (ending the relationship over email, nice), and after two years, never feel the need to apologize, and yet be "doing well," in his mom's words. The people close to me in my life as well as I would NEVER be able to truly "do well" until we had somehow taken full accountability for past bad behavior--eg by going to therapy, or apologizing to the person they/I hurt. So it just screams what a part of me knew all along--that he is not worthy of me, not a great guy in any way, and probably doomed always to have the same emotional problems since he has a mother and entire family who enables him, and a family ranch in which he can continue to underachieve while his family does what they always have done that became clearer and clearer to me in the 3.5 years I was in that world: prop him up and pick up his slack.

 

And what angers me is that his mom seems willing to have it be all "oh, you guys just didn't work out" instead of, "My son is an a*shole with serious problems and he really screwed up with you and I know he'll keep screwing up." I just can't have that. I know the truth.

 

Anyway, this all just poured out of me and I'm not sure it even makes any sense. I am just trying in any way I know how to sift through all these emotions that are stirred up. I've been feeling so...A;LSDKFJA;SLDKFJ;ASDFJK...that I've been thinking I do in fact need to move from where I live, and just get a fresh start. After all, that's what K is doing, going into the bosom of his f*cking family ranch just two hours away that was always there for him and thus not having to be really here, or really there--he goes back and forth. It's like I said to him in the very beginning of our dating, "It's like you're here, but you're not really here." Oh, how prescient those words were.

 

Thanks for reading, if you've read this far.

[makemineamac]

I think it's great you kept up parts of the relationship, and you should where it works. Would you say your relationship with K's Mom is working for you or against you? And I don't think you;re spending tie with his Mom for the wrong reasons, just don;t know what value you are getting apart from friendship.

 

I also really think you're reading too much into what his Mom was saying. She probably was telling what she thought you wanted to hear. Does that make sense? To make it easier on you?

 

Also, from reading this thread, and I understand why it has been therapeutic to many, but this really has gone on long enough, no? There's no need in continuing to think about the past with K. It's over.

 

I'll quote my favourite line and hope you can find the message in there that will enable you to move on from where you are, because you deserve to:

 

This all ends when you say it does.

 

There. You decide, it's up to you. Does this endless reflection and hurt continue, or are you going to get on with your life and find your happiness elsewhere?

 

What's it going to be?

 

I wish you all the best, you will find happiness I know.

[Zapbasket]

Thinking on this some more, I think one thing that holds me back is my inability/refusal to really own my judgments of people, for fear of being unfairly "judgmental." "Everybody tries to do their best," I rationalize to myself when I find myself feeling let down or irritated by someone's behavior. "Maybe the person has reasons for doing x and y that I don't understand."

 

Well, the truth is that I AM a pretty good judge of character. When I meet someone who is intelligent, kind, thoughtful, open, I do recognize it right away as a presence of something that doesn't often show with most people. Being in the presence of such a person feels different in a way I can't quite put my finger on. With every guy with whom I've had a long-term relationship--that's three guys--I had a feeling almost immediately that while X of Y about them was attractive / engaging / whatever, there was something that was...less. Each time I felt that, I'd push it out of my mind as being unfairly judgmental.

 

When each of the guys treated me disrespectfully, I'd feel hurt, but I'd quickly try to rationalize it--e.g., maybe I'm being oversensitive; maybe they didn't mean it that way; I don't want to make a big deal of this because it will be rocking the boat; etc. Eventually, the hurt would turn to anger, and after being treated with the same disrespect over and over, I'd finally blow up at them, only to have them call me unreasonable, probably because it was the first time I'd finally crossed them, finally rocked the proverbial boat.

 

So here it is, at the end of this relationship with K. And I can't just stand by what I knew all throughout the relationship and know in spades: that K was never good enough for me. He was irritable, not capable of real intimacy, took it out on me when he felt frustration, blamed me for the problems in the relationship without ever once looking at himself, was unmotivated to do anything with his life and blamed me and others for that, too, didn't seem genuinely to connect with anyone, was sullen with his family. He was a very poor relationship choice; the relationship was never going to really go anywhere because, yes, because of his emotional problems. The breakup was the inevitable outcome and frankly it should have come from me as a result of me acting on what my gut told me all along.

 

Perhaps I need to just be able to say it: K was a loser. He really was. I tried to weasel out of that judgment by believing that he had "potential." But the truth is, in a span of 3.5 years, I never saw any indication of the kind of character and self-awareness that will ever result in any major shift in the way he does things. He will be a miserable partner for any woman unlucky enough to get involved with him. I wasn't the first who had this kind of awful experience, though he tried always to suggest I was; he'd say, "I've never had a relationship like this," to which I'd reply, "That's because you never have dated a woman strong enough to call you out directly on your behavior." And I won't be the last. He'll subtly and not-so-subtly abuse every woman who seeks a relationship with him until he achieves the emotional distance he needs.

 

I think the part of me that gets stuck gets stuck because I still hold on to traces of the fantasy that drove me in the relationship: that I, with my strength and superior qualities, could inspire K to break out of his old patterns and be the kind of man I want and deserve in a relationship. There's a part of me that can't believe I stayed in that miserable situation for so long, hoping for this outcome, and nothing "stuck" with K. I had absolutely no impact on him, for better or worse. He just never let me in. Not because of ME, but because of him. He never has let any woman in. True, he could meet a woman one day that he WANTS with all his heart to let in, but he will lack the psychological capability to do so and he won't understand what is wrong. And, because he is, to quote AA and my therapist, who also saw him for a few months two years ago, "constitutionally incapable of being honest with himself," he's find a way to blame the woman rather than face his own shortcomings.

 

Knowing all of this is the truth--the real truth that I don't let myself really OWN--it's a blessing we're not together; it's a gift (to me) that the relationship is over. If I'd had the courage to judge K based on the behavior he consistently showed me, I'd have ended it myself. I think what weighs on me still after all this time is that I gave up my own power, my own self-regard in using what I discerned about this person early on to protect myself and extract myself from a bad situation, and let him end the relationship in the indifferent, unfeeling, disrespectful way that always his custom.

[Zapbasket]

I think it's great you kept up parts of the relationship, and you should where it works. Would you say your relationship with K's Mom is working for you or against you? And I don't think you;re spending tie with his Mom for the wrong reasons, just don;t know what value you are getting apart from friendship.

 

I also really think you're reading too much into what his Mom was saying. She probably was telling what she thought you wanted to hear. Does that make sense? To make it easier on you?

 

Also, from reading this thread, and I understand why it has been therapeutic to many, but this really has gone on long enough, no? There's no need in continuing to think about the past with K. It's over.

 

I'll quote my favourite line and hope you can find the message in there that will enable you to move on from where you are, because you deserve to:

 

This all ends when you say it does.

 

There. You decide, it's up to you. Does this endless reflection and hurt continue, or are you going to get on with your life and find your happiness elsewhere?

 

What's it going to be?

 

I wish you all the best, you will find happiness I know.

 

I agree with all you say. I do love K's mom, and it doesn't feel right to just end things with her; I have faith that in due time the hurtful aspects of the contact will cease to hurt.

 

The only area I disagree is re: this thread. It's not hurting anyone, and it serves a huge therapeutic purpose for me. It goes until it becomes irrelevant to me. I had a long thread like this with a breakup back in 2007, and eventually it just wasn't necessary to add to it. The same will happen with this one, when the time comes. I no longer judge myself or others for how long it takes to heal; both bodily and emotional injuries heal when they heal, so long as you're actively taking measures to heal, as I am doing in every way possible. This experience with this breakup is, truly, a life-changer for me; I vowed not to settle for the shallower manifestations of "moving on" like I did in a previous breakup, but really use this to see where I need to grow. And I'm doing that, and feel awesome about it.