Fear I am not progressing well in coping, 2

[Zapbasket]

I read a great article on forgiveness, and I'll try to paraphrase what helped me the most. The only way to let all of that go is to really accept that K can never give you anything that you feel he owes you. It's not about fair or unfair. It's the fact that he can't repay you anything. He just doesn't have that capability. It's not like a monetary debt that you can repay for the amount that was borrowed. An emotional debt isn't black and white. The only way he could make you feel any better is by erasing all that has transpired, and we both know that's not possible. So really, your goal has to become accepting this reality. I think it would be helpful to remember that you are the only one holding onto this debt, and you are only hurting yourself by not letting it go. When you think of it in those terms, it becomes a lot easier to move on.

 

I can empathize with all that you are feeling. For a long time, I held onto this horrible grudge against my ex. I felt it was so unfair that he had caused me so much pain and was now probably living a happy life without me. It just seemed so unfair. So I do understand where you are coming from, and it's completely normal to feel that way. But I think that we overestimate how much we mean to our exes once they leave us. Honestly, they aren't moving on to spite us, and they aren't thinking of it in the same terms we are. Just keep living your life, and let that be enough. Keep accomplishing your goals. The writing group is a great idea, and I'm so happy that you found that.

 

I've been reading and re-reading this post. I see how debilitating it has been to keep holding on to this "debt." For the whole first year of this relationship, I fully believed K would reach out to me. I thought he'd cut things off partly because he was so "lost and confused," as he'd said, and he'd gotten overwhelmed and scared and had run away, and once he got a handle on his emotions he'd reach out to deal properly with what had transpired and maybe, to apologize. It wasn't even that I was thinking/hoping he'd reach out to get back together, because I wasn't sure I wanted that.

 

It didn't help that his mom also expected he would reach out. She didn't believe he was done, and she told me that whole first year she tried to show him that he was making a mistake. She also told me it got to a point where he'd blow up every time she mentioned me, and so they had to agree not to discuss me anymore, to which she acquiesced because it was causing a huge rift between them. She told me she realized he is a grown man who "has to make his own mistakes," and that yes, she thought he was making a big mistake.

 

After that first year, when it occurred to me that he may not, in fact, reach out, I hit a huge depression. It was a turning point for me as I struggled to accept this possibility and was staring in the face the FACT that over a year had passed and I'd heard nada from him.

 

But being completely honest, I never fully let go of the hope that he'd reach out. As the second anniversary of our breakup approached in September, along with our birthdays (his 40th, which I thought would stir something in him, to make the past "right"), I grew hopeful again only to have him unfriend me from Facebook. I knew, and know, that FB doesn't necessarily mean anything, and I'd not unfriended him partly because I don't unfriend people, just remove them from my newsfeed if their posts bug me, and also because I took the fact that we'd not unfriended each other to mean that we still cared about each other from a distance. His unfriending me threw that on its head, though who really can know why he chose then to unfriend me since, as I thought, why should it even matter at that point?

 

Now I'm realizing that the evidence was there all along that he'd never reach out. It's truly not in his DNA. I never saw him hold himself accountable...for anything. There always was some outside circumstance, or someone being an a-hole, or just a general feeling sorry for himself, that kept him from ever examining how HE contributed to situations. The two-year relationship he had before ours, he strung the girl along without once telling her he loved her, and led her to believe he was going to move to be with her, and HE was always the victim because in the end she cheated on him. It never dawned on him that she finally must have given up and, in the absence of any clear indication from him that the relationship mattered to him at all, she just moved on. (Not justifying the cheating, but I can imagine that confusion and frustration with him got the better of her.)

 

Maybe the lesson here is to be courageously discriminating. As I said, I SAW his shortcomings early on, and SAW how they were incompatible with a healthy relationship, and yet I stayed and stayed hoping things would change. I know why I did that, in part: I was new to this area and way of life and very vulnerable and his family was so loving that they kept pulling me back in even though where he was concerned my instincts kept screaming at me to end it. I understand why doing so felt impossible, because it would have cut me off from everything that was welcoming here at the time, i.e., his family. They were so good to me. As I have said, really all along his mother was the better "boyfriend" to me. Really, I don't know how the apple could have fallen so far from the tree, because she is an exceptional person and her son just didn't get any of that. I think because she was so exceptional, I kept telling myself that he must have some of those qualities, too, despite all evidence to the contrary.

 

I DON'T think he's a bad person. I just think he is someone with a lot of problems emotionally, and where he falls into the "bad" category is in his refusal / inability to cultivate self-awareness; he's content with always finding someone else to blame.

 

I need, I think, to stop hoping / expecting on any level that he could ever reach out. The fact that he hasn't just further shows that he doesn't measure up to what I want from a relationship partner or even from someone I'd have in my life in any way. I hold myself accountable for what happens in my life; why should I settle for anyone who doesn't have this same standard? I don't know why I haven't let myself think this way before.

[lana-banana]

Hi, GC. Per usual your posts have a ton of food for thought, so I'm just going to address the points that really stick out to me.

 

What gets me with the breakup with K is that this was not a balanced, present relationship partner deciding I just "wasn't his cup of tea" after 3.5 years; this was a person who exhibited all throughout the relationship significant issues, who really didn't treat me very well though he did have good points here and there, and then who, after not doing any real self-examination, just threw the relationship away and blamed me for everything, though he did offer what I call a "drive-by" apology for his "behavior that has hurt me throughout the relationship." That really pissed me off, because he obviously KNEW his behavior was bad, but didn't do a thing to change it in the relationship, got mad at me instead for pointing it out to him, and then rather than bother to work on anything just tossed our relationship out.

 

It sounds like you're angry that K didn't meet your standard of behavior. He didn't conduct himself in a way that's acceptable to you, so you were upset. That's understandable. But K was not your employee, husband, or child. You don't have a say in his behavior, no matter how distasteful. Do you get so upset when everyone violates your standards, like the jerks who cut in front of a long line for the offramp? At some point you shrug your shoulders and realize you have no control over what other people do.

 

As much as it hurts to hear he's "doing well," there's a part of me that KNOWS it's bulls*t, and KNOWS his mom knows it, too.

 

I put this in bold because it's so problematic. You have had zero contact whatsoever in more than two years. How much have you changed and grown in the past two years? You no longer know K. You don't know who he is or what he's become. Even if he still is a loser, your insistence that you "KNOW" anything about him at this point is really troubling. You don't know K anymore. You just don't. You know your memories of him and that's all.

 

But she always vacillated between denial and recognition of her son's problems, and that's where I have felt anger towards her this past week: I just can't tolerate anyone in my life who acts like this breakup was just, "Ho-hum, you guys just didn't work out and now everything is hunky-dory." I can't tolerate it because it created a tremendous amount of hurt much of which I had to deal with alone because when we broke up I had few to no friends where I live.

 

I empathize with the desire to tell the world how much you've hurt. It's so unfair that we have to bear such intense pain alone! However, no one is obliged to acknowledge our pain. Especially not K's mother, and most certainly not more than two years after the fact. If you can't tolerate her perspective about the breakup, which seems to be just what you described above, then you may have to cut her out of your life after all. She cannot help ease your burden.

 

The only area I disagree is re: this thread. It's not hurting anyone, and it serves a huge therapeutic purpose for me. It goes until it becomes irrelevant to me. I had a long thread like this with a breakup back in 2007, and eventually it just wasn't necessary to add to it. The same will happen with this one, when the time comes. I no longer judge myself or others for how long it takes to heal; both bodily and emotional injuries heal when they heal, so long as you're actively taking measures to heal, as I am doing in every way possible. This experience with this breakup is, truly, a life-changer for me; I vowed not to settle for the shallower manifestations of "moving on" like I did in a previous breakup, but really use this to see where I need to grow. And I'm doing that, and feel awesome about it.

 

Anyone who has read this thread knows how much progress you've made. Besides, Lord knows strangers on the internet have no way to know someone's current state. I think when people suggest you retire this thread it's simply because they see you here, more than two years later, writing four pages in a single day about K and how unfair it all was.

 

Writing is powerful because it allows us to freeze moments of time. When we write about our lives we create a profoundly detailed, immersive reconstruction of memories that might have otherwise been lost. We can find freedom and new insight just in the act of trying to communicate our internal monologues for an outside audience. But when we reconstruct painful things we also risk immortalizing them. I'm reminded of the recent study that indicated venting about problems made people more likely to ruminate on them for extended periods of time. Do you think the way you write about this breakup is helpful to you?

 

But being completely honest, I never fully let go of the hope that he'd reach out. As the second anniversary of our breakup approached in September, along with our birthdays (his 40th, which I thought would stir something in him, to make the past "right"), I grew hopeful again only to have him unfriend me from Facebook. I knew, and know, that FB doesn't necessarily mean anything, and I'd not unfriended him partly because I don't unfriend people, just remove them from my newsfeed if their posts bug me, and also because I took the fact that we'd not unfriended each other to mean that we still cared about each other from a distance. His unfriending me threw that on its head, though who really can know why he chose then to unfriend me since, as I thought, why should it even matter at that point?

 

Again, you're holding K to your own standard of behavior. If K felt a need to make the past "right", he would have done so; it's more likely he doesn't feel anything from the past is wrong. As regards to Facebook: who knows? He could have similarly hidden you from his page a long time ago, only to remember you were still a friend when some new app automatically went through his Facebook contacts and pulled you up. But who cares? He doesn't want to have any further contact with you. You aren't in each other's lives.

 

Perhaps part of the reason you've had such a hard time healing is because you've made much of it dependent upon things you can't control. You needed K to reach out and apologize, which you certainly couldn't make happen. You needed other people to understand how much you were hurting, which is almost as unlikely. Now it seems like you need to know he's not doing well and be sure in your belief that he's a loser who will never amount to anything, because otherwise that would mean...what? I'm not sure. What if K's mother had told you he was doing well and engaged to someone he loved? I think you would have been devastated. I think most of us would feel ambivalence or annoyance to discover our least favorite exes are doing well, but your reaction seems extreme. It might be worth thinking on why it's so important for you to believe that K is a failure who can't change rather than an ordinary imperfect human.

[BC1980]

GC, it feels like you are punishing yourself by not letting this go. You are the only one being punished here. You asked if I really thought my ex was happier, and my answer is that I have no stake in the answer. I don't care. If meeting with K's mom causes you to recycle these thoughts to this degree, I think you need to leave her be. At the very least, don't talk about K with her. You have recycled the same thoughts for 2 years. Hun, you have to let it go. There is no new insight to be gained. I'm not saying to feel nothing or that this won't always sting, but this level of rumination isn't good at this point.

 

I think Lana hit on a good idea when she pointed out that your recovery depends on a lot you can't control. You try so hard to convince yourself that K is a miserable loser, and you can do better. Yet you are still affected by him to such a degree. What does it matter? Is it K or your ego? Please know that I say all of this out of concern because I feel that you deserve better than this. I think some of us advised staying away from his mom for this very reason. If you continue to stay in touch with her, be aware of the price you will pay.

Edited December 15, 2015 by BC1980

[dyna85]

GreenCove, having read some of your posts, I just wanted to say that I feel like you and K are complete opposites emotionally. He seems so detached, whereas you are so caring and empathetic. It seems like this carried over to the aftermath of the relationship, with you really feeling it, while he likely compartmentalizes it and tries to push it to the back burner because he isn't good with dealing with his emotions.

 

It is surprising that he hasn't reached out as it seems there was an intense bond that drew you together, and it is interesting that he unfriended you so long after the fact that the relationship ended.

 

I think it's a good thing that he unfriended you though, to further solidify that you must continue on your own path.

 

You are deserving of someone who is able to connect with you on an emotional level, with the same care that you have to offer.

 

The depth of your compassion is not a common thing, so he will be very hard-pressed in his search for another.

 

I do think it would probably be best, for your own well being, to sever ties with his mother, and even this town, if possible. I know you commented that you're not intending to do this though, and that's okay too, if you decide to stay and remain connected with his mom. I just think it may be harder to move forward, since it's so 'close to home' - literally - if you will.

 

I think his mom's statement that he's doing well was probably to save face. That's not to give false hope, but it seems he's suffering probably more than anyone would divulge. My thought is, if one person is having that rough of a time, it's hardly likely that it's a joy ride for the other person.

 

However, being that it's been 2 years, who really knows. I think at this point the focus should be on your betterment, without him.

[Zapbasket]

I'm pretty tired so I don't know if I'll be able to address all the thoughtful things you guys have said, but I will try on a couple of points and attempt to return tomorrow with, hopefully, a more rested brain.

 

The only thing I have ever regretted in my life, truly, is not having the confidence in the way I think to pursue my impressions. People have charged me with "thinking too much," and sometimes they're right, but most times, I was seeing something I couldn't quite articulate, so I had to keep pursuing it until I could explain to myself, to my satisfaction, what I saw. That's how I have grown, when I have grown...and when I haven't, it was generally because I shunned my own spidey sense about things.

 

I'm not trying to "get over" this breakup. I don't even know what that means. My aim is much bigger. I'm trying to lay out before me the patterns that have caused me to sell myself short, in my art, my career, and my relationships. I was abandoned my my father through suicide from a very early age, and grew up in an environment where it was never talked about. He was just a hole, the presence of an absence that, with all the mystery around it, had a tremendous presence about which I could talk to no one, because I was conditioned to believe it was "nothing." This caused a deep cognitive dissonance within me that I think kept me from being able to understand and process loss in a healthy way. I always blame myself for loss and rejection, so automatically that it's unconscious even while the consequences of it exist very much in the present and are tremendous. I want to understand that.

 

I'm not trying to convince myself that K was a loser, now, after all this time; I'm finally allowing myself to SEE his shortcomings more realistically. When I was with K, I had a nagging sense that he wasn't capable of the kind of relationship I want, and I got caught in a web of making constant excuses for him, putting him on a pedestal of his potential rather than dealing realistically with all he consistently showed himself NOT to be. I don't think he is a "bad" person, or truly a "loser," per se, and we did have a connection that served to motivate me to maintain the unhealthy dynamic despite my awareness that I was carrying the relationship. But he didn't treat me, or the relationship, or even himself, with presence, care, or even good manners. And he did know it; as he wrote in his last communication to me:

 

"I know that I want to apologize for my behavior that has hurt you through the years. It was never intentional but at times points directly towards my lack of awareness, emotional maturity and foolish arrogance. I'm ashamed of the person who entered this relationship and the child who crept into its midst and stirred it up at times. I'm so sorry."

 

Lala, you're right, that I don't know him anymore in the sense of what he's thinking, feeling, or even up to in the present, but I did spend 3.5 years with him, and I think I've been out and about enough, and am a sufficient judge of character, to be able to say that while with me he acted like a jerk a lot of the time. I don't owe him anything anymore and so I can come out and say it now, but what I recognized through my posts yesterday is that I could have been ally to myself over him and said that about him while IN the relationship. I have a penchant for being too loyal, and I don't want to lose that quality, but I don't want to be loyal at my own expense ever again. I grew up having to do that, I realized, and I no longer have to be tied to that behavior pattern.

 

As for holding others to my own standard of behavior: isn't that what we ideally all do? If anything, I have NOT held others to my standard of behavior, or even at times ANY standard. That has not served me well. It occurred to me recently that there's nothing wrong with being judgmental when being so keeps people who won't uplift and support you out of your inner circle. I always try to find something likable about everyone. And again, I like that trait and don't want to lost it...but I also want a seat in my inner circle (of trust, sharing, loyalty, etc.) to be something that is earned, not just handed out like free t-shirts because I want to be loved. That's something I want to stop doing, and I'm making progress. Part of that is being able to call crap behavior out for what it is rather than make excuses for it at my own expense.

 

As for whether writing about this helps. Well, it's what I am and what I do. I am a writer. I have tried everything under the sun NOT to be, but it's the best and fullest expression of myself and if anything I want to do MORE of it, not less. My gift is my introspective capabilities, my sensitivity, and my ability to articulate the ineffable. In what I have been through over the past several years, I have gained a lot more empathy and patience for grief and loss. K was not perfect and he wasn't even really worthy of me in many ways, but he was a very significant person in my life, and I do feel that loss acutely. In my 2007 breakup, I challenged myself to "hurry up and move on" and to NOT think about things; I chose learning how to ski over going to see a therapist; and I aced all the superficial signs of moving on: I got into a new relationship after a year; I moved across the country; I never again sought out my ex or spoke to anyone associated even remotely with him. But these things, that we congratulate one another on and say, "Oh, you've really moved on"--they're the superficial things. They really, really are. Six years after that breakup, I ended up in an almost identical situation. Why? I didn't really examine myself, or process my grief, or try to link what I felt about that breakup with old beliefs I had about myself and the world. In short, I didn't do the work, and I paid a tremendous price.

 

I write here, I share this, and I feel free--a little more free with each word. The more deeply I allow myself to feel, and the more contradictorily, the more I feel true to myself. I know you can view this long thread as a fly paper of sorts, where all the flies of my thought keep sticking, but I can see and feel myself growing. More than I have ever grown. I'm doing SOMETHING right even while I realize that there is something that tangles me at times, and I suspect it has more to do with things from my deep past than anything with K; K just awakened the beast.

 

I want to say more but this is probably already really long. Thanks ever so much for your perspectives; they help me grow, each post does. ((hugs))

[Zapbasket]

GreenCove, having read some of your posts, I just wanted to say that I feel like you and K are complete opposites emotionally. He seems so detached, whereas you are so caring and empathetic. It seems like this carried over to the aftermath of the relationship, with you really feeling it, while he likely compartmentalizes it and tries to push it to the back burner because he isn't good with dealing with his emotions.

 

Yes, I seem to have a penchant for choosing detached types. Clearly such a dynamic doesn't work. I actively seek people now who know how to feel and be vulnerable and who take the time to cultivate self-awareness. Hopefully I am breaking the pattern of choosing these types.

 

It is surprising that he hasn't reached out as it seems there was an intense bond that drew you together, and it is interesting that he unfriended you so long after the fact that the relationship ended.

 

Yes, it surprised (and surprises) me, too. It's something I'll never understand, and I suppose the "why" doesn't matter anymore. It did and does hurt.

 

I think it's a good thing that he unfriended you though, to further solidify that you must continue on your own path.

 

You are deserving of someone who is able to connect with you on an emotional level, with the same care that you have to offer.

 

I agree with this 100%. I never would ask for the same level of care that I gave. It never occurred to me. But now it's all I want.

 

The depth of your compassion is not a common thing, so he will be very hard-pressed in his search for another.

 

I'm not sure that he ever felt that way about me, that I had "depth of compassion." His mom certainly did, and does. But he vilified me all the time and it really hurt. He did say a week before we broke up, "Why would anyone ever break up with you? You are so caring, and gorgeous...." Who knows? I'll never know. His mom said in the first year of our dating, "Good for you if you can figure K out." I think I had him pegged more than even I knew, I just couldn't accept what I knew, maybe?

 

I do think it would probably be best, for your own well being, to sever ties with his mother, and even this town, if possible. I know you commented that you're not intending to do this though, and that's okay too, if you decide to stay and remain connected with his mom. I just think it may be harder to move forward, since it's so 'close to home' - literally - if you will.

 

I haven't posted about this but I'm beginning to feel like I've outgrown this place at this stage of my life. I may need to move, after all. But at least now, if I do, it won't be running away from the hurt of being "abandoned," like I did with previous relationships. It seems that the more I see that I deserve more, the more impossible it feels to just be okay with the status quo of this place. I dunno. I'm still sorting that out.

 

I think his mom's statement that he's doing well was probably to save face. That's not to give false hope, but it seems he's suffering probably more than anyone would divulge. My thought is, if one person is having that rough of a time, it's hardly likely that it's a joy ride for the other person.

 

Lala's right, that I don't *know* this, but my gut tells me you're 100% right. I don't think he has had an easy ride these past two years. I don't think he is indifferent to me, either. Still, I don't believe he'll ever reach out to me. He is not a part of my life anymore, except insofar is he was a foundational part of my past.

 

However, being that it's been 2 years, who really knows. I think at this point the focus should be on your betterment, without him.

 

Very true. I am trying my best to do that. Thank you so much for your thoughts. You, too, BC and Lala.

Edited December 15, 2015 by GreenCove

[lana-banana]

Contrary to popular opinion I don't enjoy playing bad cop. I simply recognize when some tough love is necessary and can dish it out (and take it just as hard when I have it coming). GC, you have made a lot of progress since 2013, but I don't see that progress here. I see excuses.

 

I'm not trying to convince myself that K was a loser, now, after all this time; I'm finally allowing myself to SEE his shortcomings more realistically.

 

Horse manure. You have strenuously resisted any suggestion that K might be doing well. You respond to any evidence of K leading a happy, healthy life (like fixing up his barn or whatever, or taking a new course, etc) with anger and resentment. I don't know if you thought K was a loser while you were together, but you absolutely refuse to believe he could be better off without you. You spend far too much time searching for proof that he's suffering as a result of the breakup...nearly three years down the line.

 

I think his mom's statement that he's doing well was probably to save face. That's not to give false hope, but it seems he's suffering probably more than anyone would divulge...My thought is, if one person is having that rough of a time, it's hardly likely that it's a joy ride for the other person.

Lala's right, that I don't *know* this, but my gut tells me you're 100% right. I don't think he has had an easy ride these past two years. I don't think he is indifferent to me, either.

 

For one thing, just because a breakup is devastating for one person doesn't mean it is for the other. For another thing, I highly doubt his mother is lying, because she's been all too willing in the past to divulge (entirely too much, if you ask me) information about her son, his condition, and her opinion on said condition even after you broke up. I think you're just desperate to find out he's hurting. You need to believe he's suffering even a fraction as much as you are. He's not.

 

I don't believe he's indifferent to you either. I think he's acutely aware of how much this breakup continues to torment you and he is probably full of pity, and believes it's best to stay out of your way. But that's it.

 

I'm not trying to "get over" this breakup. I don't even know what that means.

 

At least this is honest and is why you need to find a more proactive therapist. I'm cutting the other sentences because I think it's a lot of eloquent and beautiful but ultimately wrongheaded rationalization for your continued obsession.

 

As for holding others to my own standard of behavior: isn't that what we ideally all do?

 

For people we're dating, married to, related to, or working with? Sure. For people who are no longer in our lives? Of course not. K was no longer obligated to you the moment you two broke up. There's no point in holding him to any standard because he's not in your life and he hasn't been for a very long time.

 

In my 2007 breakup, I challenged myself to "hurry up and move on" and to NOT think about things; I chose learning how to ski over going to see a therapist; and I aced all the superficial signs of moving on: I got into a new relationship after a year; I moved across the country; I never again sought out my ex or spoke to anyone associated even remotely with him. But these things, that we congratulate one another on and say, "Oh, you've really moved on"--they're the superficial things. They really, really are. Six years after that breakup, I ended up in an almost identical situation. Why? I didn't really examine myself, or process my grief, or try to link what I felt about that breakup with old beliefs I had about myself and the world. In short, I didn't do the work, and I paid a tremendous price.

 

More pretty words and convoluted excuses. Perhaps you didn't examine yourself, process your grief, or try to link what you felt about that breakup with old beliefs you had about yourself and the world---but there is no reason why it should have taken you THREE YEARS to do it. There's no timer on grief, you say? Maybe not, but there's certainly a timer on healthy grieving. I know you see all this writing as self-improvement, progress, a means of working on yourself. In some ways it may have been. But at this point it's devolved into reopening old wounds again and again rather than making a genuine attempt to heal.

[lana-banana]

And he did know it; as he wrote in his last communication to me:

 

"I know that I want to apologize for my behavior that has hurt you through the years. It was never intentional but at times points directly towards my lack of awareness, emotional maturity and foolish arrogance. I'm ashamed of the person who entered this relationship and the child who crept into its midst and stirred it up at times. I'm so sorry."

 

I feel like I'm fourteen again and I just reached the denouement of the Agatha Christie novel* where the narrator is the killer. This is a remarkably mature, thoughtful statement, and is totally inconsistent with the portrait of K I had in my mind. I've had exes issue similar apologies during breakups or even long after the fact, but this is a hell of a thing. I'm surprised you felt so adrift after this, because it reads like an honest attempt to shoulder the blame for the failure of the relationship and exit with grace. It's a lot more closure than most people ever get; I certainly never saw anything like it from Worst Ex.

 

 

* = no spoilers for people who might be perusing 89-year-old novels for the first time

[minimariah]

For the whole first year of this relationship, I fully believed K would reach out to me. I thought he'd cut things off partly because he was so "lost and confused," as he'd said, and he'd gotten overwhelmed and scared and had run away, and once he got a handle on his emotions he'd reach out to deal properly with what had transpired and maybe, to apologize. (...)

 

but he did apologize and he did hold himself accountable for his actions -- judging from your other posts where you quoted a part of your last communication with him. he just didn't tell you those exact words you WANTED to hear from him.

 

the biggest mistake people make after a break up is that they hold on to some fake hope - thinking that the ex partner is making a "mistake" & will for sure be back; thinking that the ex partner just needs some time off and some space to get it together; thinking that they will for sure regret their decision and that they still care; thinking that they will for sure be unhappy in their future.

 

for some reason, you refuse to let him go. even now, when he didn't contact you for two whole years -- you still think that he isn't indifferent to you. what exactly are you basing that opinion on?

 

She told me she realized he is a grown man who "has to make his own mistakes," and that yes, she thought he was making a big mistake.

 

here is the thing - his mother is bad for you. she keeps the hope alive and you need someone who will shake you up and tell you -- GC, he isn't coming back, he did what was absolutely right for his life, he won't ever regret it and he will probably be very happy with someone else. just straight to the harsh truth -- everything else is just holding you back.

 

so if you didn't already - either break off the conact with his mother OR tell her to not mention him to you ever again.

 

Now I'm realizing that the evidence was there all along that he'd never reach out. It's truly not in his DNA. I never saw him hold himself accountable...for anything.

 

harsh truth moment - he didn't reach out because he simply doesn't care. no matter what he told you, no matter what you think you saw or felt with him... trust me - he does not care. so to hold yourself accountable - you need to care. when you don't... you're literally to lazy to even reach out & go through it all again. 2 years later? you don't even remember what you're supposed to apologize for.

 

Maybe the lesson here is to be courageously discriminating. As I said, I SAW his shortcomings early on, and SAW how they were incompatible with a healthy relationship, and yet I stayed and stayed hoping things would change.

 

a lot of people do that. it's okay to compromise but you need to learn what are your dealbreakers and learn how to recognize the red flags.

 

like i said - HOPE is the biggest enemy of those going through a breakup. the more you feed yourself the brutal truth, the faster you'll accept it and move on. always go with the worst case scenario.

 

telling yourself that he made a mistake by breaking up with you, that he must be in pain and a mess, suffering; that he will regret his decision and that there isn't a chance that he'll once have a fantastic relationship with someone else... all of that is hurting only you. that's what's holding you back - assume that he's prospering in life and forgot that he ever met you. start with that and see how it goes with the healing.

Edited December 16, 2015 by minimariah

[BC1980]

I gotta say GC, what K wrote to you was more than I've ever gotten from any ex. I'm very perplexed at what else you could want from him. Your recent posts are so focused on him. I want to see you posting about yourself. I understand that certain things can trigger memories and sadness, but I don't think it's wise to ruminate on those memories. Not at this point. At this point, you are recycling and are not gaining any new insight. Your rumination only serves to keep you too emotionally entrenched in this situation.

 

I think that you continually search for reasons that prove, in your mind, how much of a loser K was because you can't fathom the idea that he could simply not have loved you enough to stay. I think that such an idea would be too massive a blow to your self-esteem because you judge your worth against K's acceptance or rejection of you. Sometimes it's just simple. You loved him more than he loved you.

 

Tough love is what you need right now. I honestly wonder if you keep up with K's mom to have a connection with him. I would not recommend staying in touch with an ex's mom to anyone. You have come a long way, but you allowed this meet up to trip you up.

[Zapbasket]

I feel like I'm fourteen again and I just reached the denouement of the Agatha Christie novel* where the narrator is the killer. This is a remarkably mature, thoughtful statement, and is totally inconsistent with the portrait of K I had in my mind. I've had exes issue similar apologies during breakups or even long after the fact, but this is a hell of a thing. I'm surprised you felt so adrift after this, because it reads like an honest attempt to shoulder the blame for the failure of the relationship and exit with grace. It's a lot more closure than most people ever get; I certainly never saw anything like it from Worst Ex.

 

 

* = no spoilers for people who might be perusing 89-year-old novels for the first time

 

Yes. That was the beginning of the email. The rest was a complete contradiction of this, where he blames our "acrimony" and me for "constantly making him walk on eggshells." There is no link of how his behavior actually may have affected the tenor of our relationship, such as being the majority of the reason why there was "acrimony." And instead of hearing me during the relationship, where he would acknowledge that it was HIS behavior, HIS choices that upset me, he would blame me as being "oversensitive" and therefore making him have to walk on eggshells.

 

If this really came across as a sincere recognition of how his behavior affected our relationship, then I'd accept it as such. To finally say, as he's exiting the relationship, that he's "ashamed" of his behavior, but never have taken one step to change or to not incriminate me for either "making" him behave that way during an entire 3.5 year relationship where this was the CONSTANT running issue, well, surely you can see why this sudden acknowledgement of bad behavior really didn't pull at my heartstrings.

 

Add to that that he quit his individual therapy immediately after sending that email, and there's no indication that he really has any recognition, in a meaningful sense, of how problematic his behavior really was, not only for me, but for himself. It wasn't just me to whom he acted this way. The one person I know who knows him said she immediately noticed about him that he "has a short fuse."

 

Sometimes things are just much more complex than you can convey to strangers on the internet, even on such a generally thoughtful site with intelligent, thoughtful people such as Loveshack. Lala, you're just going to have to take my word on this one because it's not something I feel I need to or want to "argue."

[Zapbasket]

I gotta say GC, what K wrote to you was more than I've ever gotten from any ex. I'm very perplexed at what else you could want from him. Your recent posts are so focused on him. I want to see you posting about yourself. I understand that certain things can trigger memories and sadness, but I don't think it's wise to ruminate on those memories. Not at this point. At this point, you are recycling and are not gaining any new insight. Your rumination only serves to keep you too emotionally entrenched in this situation.

 

I think that you continually search for reasons that prove, in your mind, how much of a loser K was because you can't fathom the idea that he could simply not have loved you enough to stay. I think that such an idea would be too massive a blow to your self-esteem because you judge your worth against K's acceptance or rejection of you. Sometimes it's just simple. You loved him more than he loved you.

 

Tough love is what you need right now. I honestly wonder if you keep up with K's mom to have a connection with him. I would not recommend staying in touch with an ex's mom to anyone. You have come a long way, but you allowed this meet up to trip you up.

 

I appreciate your opinion but I just don't think you're right on any of this. I come here to write a) what I want to write about and b) what I feel is appropriate to share with people on the internet. I'm not going to write about the ins and outs of my whole life; no one can do that here. I come here when I feel a niggling of something bugging me that I want to sort out, and I'm happy I have the self-honesty to be able to do that.

 

Go back and re-read my post where I say I finally can just state K's shortcomings. I'm not doing it to convince myself that he is a "loser" and I think if you read closely that's pretty clear in my recent post. I'm giving myself PERMISSION at last to be honest about his shortcomings.

 

I don't think it's helpful in the least to compare what I got from my ex versus what you got or didn't get from yours. It doesn't change what I experienced as the dynamic of this relationship, and it for certain doesn't make K some balanced, healthy person.

 

Ugh. I just want to be able to talk about what I want to talk about. It's not anyone's place to give "tough love." Maybe my best friend or my mom, who know the whole story. I don't hand out tough love to any of you, even when I don't think someone on this site is handling things in the "best" way. It's a site for venting; it's not life. Not my life. Not anyone's life.

 

A big lesson to learn, especially when you have a penchant for being "too nice" at your own expense, is to be able to say, "This person may have some redeeming qualities, but THEY DO THIS AND THIS AND THIS THAT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE AND WHEN I TRY TO TELL THEM ABOUT IT, THEY DO NOTHING, OR THEY PUT ME DOWN FOR FEELING THAT WAY." I stayed in this relationship because I REFUSED to recognize K's shortcomings. So no, I don't have a vested interest in making him out to be a loser, I have an interest in getting at the truth. I trust myself to be able to know the truth far more than anyone on this site.

 

Progress! I trust MYSELF! YAY ME! For real.

 

And I feel I have to push back at you on this one because you're just not getting what I'm saying. Not mad at you, not not appreciating you taking the time to respond, just not re-examining everything because someone on this site said something that doesn't resonate with me in the first place.

[Zapbasket]

but he did apologize and he did hold himself accountable for his actions -- judging from your other posts where you quoted a part of your last communication with him. he just didn't tell you those exact words you WANTED to hear from him.

 

the biggest mistake people make after a break up is that they hold on to some fake hope - thinking that the ex partner is making a "mistake" & will for sure be back; thinking that the ex partner just needs some time off and some space to get it together; thinking that they will for sure regret their decision and that they still care; thinking that they will for sure be unhappy in their future.

 

for some reason, you refuse to let him go. even now, when he didn't contact you for two whole years -- you still think that he isn't indifferent to you. what exactly are you basing that opinion on?

 

 

 

here is the thing - his mother is bad for you. she keeps the hope alive and you need someone who will shake you up and tell you -- GC, he isn't coming back, he did what was absolutely right for his life, he won't ever regret it and he will probably be very happy with someone else. just straight to the harsh truth -- everything else is just holding you back.

 

so if you didn't already - either break off the conact with his mother OR tell her to not mention him to you ever again.

 

 

 

harsh truth moment - he didn't reach out because he simply doesn't care. no matter what he told you, no matter what you think you saw or felt with him... trust me - he does not care. so to hold yourself accountable - you need to care. when you don't... you're literally to lazy to even reach out & go through it all again. 2 years later? you don't even remember what you're supposed to apologize for.

 

 

 

a lot of people do that. it's okay to compromise but you need to learn what are your dealbreakers and learn how to recognize the red flags.

 

like i said - HOPE is the biggest enemy of those going through a breakup. the more you feed yourself the brutal truth, the faster you'll accept it and move on. always go with the worst case scenario.

 

telling yourself that he made a mistake by breaking up with you, that he must be in pain and a mess, suffering; that he will regret his decision and that there isn't a chance that he'll once have a fantastic relationship with someone else... all of that is hurting only you. that's what's holding you back - assume that he's prospering in life and forgot that he ever met you. start with that and see how it goes with the healing.

 

Sorry but, dude, how do you know that he doesn't care, anymore than I know that he does? The whole point is that no one but him, and maybe not even him, really knows why he acted as he did. I don't need to tell some story that he didn't care and doesn't. No, I doubt he is indifferent to me but I also doubt he will ever reach out.

 

You don't have any more knowledge than I do about what he's feeling or thinking. I mean, come on. Sorry I even bothered to post here. I feel completely misunderstood. I would never come on someone's thread and say, "X just doesn't care." I don't know that. I know that before it's ever about YOU it's about them, and vice versa. I wouldn't presume and it's not even psychologically sophisticated to assume that because someone ends a relationship, they don't care. It's making it black and white, just exchanging one black and white for another. If anything limits progress, it's slapping up a black and white as an explanation for anything human beings do.

 

I'm not sitting here doing nothing with my life thinking K is going to come back. I'm dealing with the complexity of sharing a life with someone and it failing, or it succeeding. I"m pushing myself to do MORE and I'd encourage all of you to try to do the same.

 

I have KICKED ASS in the last two years. I'd challenge any one of you that I've done more, and experimented with more, than any of you have. Sorry, but when you presume to know really how I'm doing, then I feel I have nothing left to do but presume that the thinking you're applying to my situation is similar to what you're applying to yours, and assume it must be limiting you. See? It just isn't a cool way to go about responding on this site.

 

Maybe K cares. Maybe he doesn't. It doesn't matter and I wasn't on here saying it did. You all missed my meaning and I guess I should just write in my journal from now on, or just finish the story I've been working on that is based on this whole experience.

 

Ugh. Frustrated.

[Zapbasket]

I feel like I'm fourteen again and I just reached the denouement of the Agatha Christie novel* where the narrator is the killer. This is a remarkably mature, thoughtful statement, and is totally inconsistent with the portrait of K I had in my mind. I've had exes issue similar apologies during breakups or even long after the fact, but this is a hell of a thing. I'm surprised you felt so adrift after this, because it reads like an honest attempt to shoulder the blame for the failure of the relationship and exit with grace. It's a lot more closure than most people ever get; I certainly never saw anything like it from Worst Ex.

 

 

* = no spoilers for people who might be perusing 89-year-old novels for the first time

 

I'll send you his number and a photo so you can get in touch and experience for yourself just how remarkably mature he is. If I have spent all these pages realizing, and understanding, how he WASN'T mature enough for a healthy relationship, why would you come here and take one statement and contradict everything I said? Do you do this to your friends? I don't. I wouldn't. Come on, that's just not fair. Give ME some credit for my insights. Or don't; I guess it doesn't really matter.

[minimariah]

Sorry but, dude, how do you know that he doesn't care, anymore than I know that he does?

 

i don't know - he is the only one who can answer that question.

 

but if someone failed to contact me in 2 YEARS - it's safe to assume that they don't care and that they are, in fact, indifferent. what screams indifference more loud than no contact?

 

the thing that i wonder about - why did you assume that he DOES care and that he isn't indifferent? based on what? you didn't hear from him in TWO YEARS. what is it that makes you think that he cares in any way?

 

i think that's what's keeping you back - the entire "well, no on really knows..." instead of just saying "he didn't reach out in two damn years and it speaks volumes" -- why avoid taking the "worst case scenario" into consideration?

 

why being so defensive when folks tell you that he doesn't care and that he didn't make a mistake and that he is somewhere probably doing his own thing? no one is assuming anything, no one acts like they know you or your life - we are just writing what we see and there are around four of us seeing the same thing... we can't all be crazy, right?

 

I"m pushing myself to do MORE and I'd encourage all of you to try to do the same.

 

but sweetheart, how? your posts scream otherwise. i don't see you pushing yourself to do more when it comes to this man, i see you pushing yourself to stay in the situation you're in. you're making it worse for yourself - instead of saying... "you know what, F that a*shat - he probably doesn't give a sh*t"; you're here arguing and trying to convince us that we don't really know that for sure and that he MIGHT care. what for...? why are you still in that stage after two long years?

 

You all missed my meaning and I guess I should just write in my journal from now on, or just finish the story I've been working on that is based on this whole experience.

 

i would encourage you to stop talking and writing about K altogether. you can finish that story when you TRULY move on.

 

like, take a break from K and that relationship. just take a break from it, move away from K and his mother and this story and the heartbreak... try not to think about it at all. i let your brain rest a bit from analzying and thinking about it... focus your energy elsehwere for a minute.

 

i'm sorry if i personally insulted you in any way but i really think you're making a big mistake in analzying him and that relationship STILL while hoping that he's in pain and cares. history kind of repeats itself - you were so sure that he'll contact you and he didn't. now you're sure that he's in pain and suffering and isn't indifferent and when it proves wrong - it will hit you hard.

[lana-banana]

You want to talk about black and white thinking? As soon as you read comments that weren't entirely what you wanted to hear, you lunged towards the other extreme and decided we were all ganging up on you. No one on this thread has said you've done nothing or made no progress---in fact, BC1980 and I and others in our most recent responses acknowledged and praised your recovery---but simply noted that meeting with K's mother seemed to set you back. The extent of your overreaction makes me think maybe your ego really has been the biggest obstacle in this breakup.

 

To finally say, as he's exiting the relationship, that he's "ashamed" of his behavior, but never have taken one step to change or to not incriminate me for either "making" him behave that way during an entire 3.5 year relationship where this was the CONSTANT running issue, well, surely you can see why this sudden acknowledgement of bad behavior really didn't pull at my heartstrings.

 

Add to that that he quit his individual therapy immediately after sending that email, and there's no indication that he really has any recognition, in a meaningful sense, of how problematic his behavior really was, not only for me, but for himself.

 

He obviously didn't treat you well, recognized his shortcomings, and quit the relationship. Would you rather he have stayed in that condition? And didn't you say you were both seeing the same therapist? If it's the guy you mentioned earlier on this thread I wouldn't see him anymore either. You really do feel the need to pronounce judgment and condemn K for not meeting your standards.

 

BC1980 said it best, per usual:

 

At this point, you are recycling and are not gaining any new insight. Your rumination only serves to keep you too emotionally entrenched in this situation.

 

And minimariah has the best advice:

 

assume that he's prospering in life and forgot that he ever met you. start with that and see how it goes with the healing.

 

He doesn't care about you, and honestly, I do think that's helpful to say right now. You keep hoping for some sign of affection, interest, or care on his part and it's pretty clear there isn't any. If you can't look in the mirror and say "K doesn't care about me, is happier without me, and will never contact me again" after two years then you should start saying it now.

 

You have made tremendous progress. No one is denying that. But at the end of the day you're still writing the same multiple page-length essays with the same "insight" about someone who doesn't care about you.

[dyna85]

This is just a random thought but, I think some of these therapists may want to keep you looped into the cycle of reviewing everything again and again because they get paid that way. I mean, one would hope they wouldn't do this, but it makes me wonder.

 

Also Greencove, I know what you mean about really wanting to sort out your feelings this time since the last time you felt you hadn't done so, but I think lana, minimariah, and bc are spot on in terms of the fact that it is necessary at a certain point to take a hard line stance, for your own well being, and to forgive yourself and your ex, so that you can move forward with your life.

 

I think remaining in this town and continuing to encounter your ex and his family is serving to keep you stuck.

 

Your ex doesn't deserve to have this much power over you. Someone said that to me and it made me cringe, but it is the truth.

 

I also have a tendency to recycle thoughts ad nauseam, but at a certain point it's like.. reality is reality. Reality hurts sometimes. Reality is a b. However, that is what helps us grow. Take this ex as a lesson. He's a lesson as to what you will and will not tolerate in a relationship. Just because it didn't work with him doesn't mean you're going to be single forever and just because he hasn't looked back in the literal sense of reaching out doesn't make you any less valuable as a human being.

 

You don't need his validation to press forward with your existence. Yes, he will always be part of your history, but you do not need him to survive, and at this point, you're better off seeing it for what it is rather than continuing to analyze what went wrong in the relationship.

[BC1980]

GC, if you want to keep writing about K, that is your right. My advice is that it's not helpful at this point. If you look back the beginning of this thread, you can see that you actually talk about the same things that you talked about in these last few pages. You haven't gained any new insight, and I still feel that hashing this out, over and over, only serves to keep you emotionally entrenched in this entire mess. At some point, you have to cut the thoughts off when the come and not allow them to take root. You have to be aggressive in doing so because it might not come naturally. I think you feel that any thought you have, you must follow it out to its natural conclusion. Any little trigger about K, you feel you need to tease it out and draw from it what you can. I don't think doing so is always wise.

 

From what you wrote, I get the feeling that you are upset because you want to come here and vent, but you ended up getting responses that advised you to stop talking to K's mother and to stop talking about K. You just wanted to vent, am I right? Okay, I'm hearing you. I get it. But I feel that all of the responses were well meaning and spot on advice. Maybe it isn't anyone's place to offer tough love. I don't know. But I guess we all decided it was needed and offered it from a place of concern. It's been over two years, and you are still talking about the same stuff and still crying over the same stuff. What kind of advice do you expect anyone to offer at this point?

 

Something clearly isn't working if just the mention of K doing well can send you reeling at this point. I have no doubt that you feel what you feel, and you have a right to express yourself. You have a right to cry and get upset, but, after all this time, something is not working and needs to change. I would expect the same tough love from my family and friends if I were still mired in my heartbreak at this point. I would give anyone this same advice. I don't think I am helping you if I simply allow you to vent and go over the same things at this point. I feel like I need to shake you and say, "Stop it. Let it go."

 

You are correct in that we don't see your daily life every step of the way. LS offers but a glimpse, but I think it's an important glimpse, no? I think what you write here is important to you. You seem to have made tremendous progress in many areas, and you should be proud of that. You have moved forward in many regards. It seems to me that this meeting with K's mom has ended with a big step back, and maybe the entire thing has served to gauge where you actually are. I still vote not to stay in contact with the mom. I can't imagine any of my family staying in contact with my ex. Some people can handle it in some situations, but it seems to be detrimental in yours.

[BC1980]

I also wanted to add that it might be helpful to go back to the beginning of this thread and read some of the advice given. I read back through some of the thread, and I think sunshinegirl gave you great advice.

[BC1980]

One more thing I've been meaning to mention. You never actually went NC until K unfriended you from FB. Earlier in this thread, there was a discussion about unfriending K from FB and staying away from his mom. Everyone advised you to do those two things, and you are reaping the consequences of not doing so. I'm not saying this to mean, "I told you so." I'm just saying that people are offering good advice you are not taking.

 

Somewhere in this thread, you mentioned that you looked at K's FB daily at one point. How do you expect to move on when you are doing that? Social media is dangerous to a breakup GC. It allows you to keep a false connection alive and to spin stories in your head about your ex. You've spun stories about the past two years of K's life and about where he is now. I think his mom and FB have allowed you to do that, and it's not healthy.

[Zapbasket]

I don't know what I don't see.

 

That's all I can think of to say. I am confused. I mean, really confused, in a way I've never been. I do have a lot of ego, it's true. I know I am very intelligent, and I usually feel I have a pretty good handle on things. So to feel as thrown for a loop as I do really, well, throws me for a loop. A big loop.

 

Last night, after I blasted out with all my responses to you guys, I felt like, "F*ck it." I told myself I'd stop posting on this site, maybe stop visiting this site, and certainly never add one word to this thread. But then I couldn't help myself, and I wound up reading everything you said, and I have to say I'm really grateful for your compassionate responses, even if, maybe especially if, it's "tough-love" compassion. Because I feared you'd all just come back and insult me, and I'd end up feeling even lower.

 

I cried at work again today. Second time ever in my life that I've cried at work, the first time being back this summer. Only two people saw, and they are very kind, and one of them even came back into the office at the end of the day, hugged me hard, and said, "I love you." Never mind that the other person who saw me cry, who is more of an outside-of-work friend than the other one, said she doesn't trust our coworker and thinks I shouldn't confide in her. She told me that the coworker came into her office after my little episode and said, "GreenCove really needs to get it together." She said nothing like that to me. So that made me feel confused.

 

I just feel so confused. I don't know why this whole relationship experience has had such a grip on me. I really don't. I'm crying right now because I truly don't understand. I thought I have done everything I could possibly do right about trying to move on. I have been going religiously to therapy every week since just before we broke up. I have put myself out there to meet people, to secure a more stable job situation (which I accomplished just a couple of months after we broke up after relentless job-hunting); I underwent what I termed a huge "self-recovery" process through tons of solo backpacking and solo mountain-climbing adventures. As part of that I became certified as a Wilderness First Responder, and certified in avalanche awareness for the backcountry skiing I started getting into. I joined CrossFit; I started a 3x/week 100 push-up challenge with some of my coworkers; I spent a week as a volunteer ski instructor for kids recovering from cancer. When in summer 2014 I was overwhelmed with depression, I started taking anti-depressants and joined a women's empowerment group that I attended weekly until I decided it wasn't a right fit for me. Now I'm in a group with some great women where our focus is developing our creative projects, and I am back into writing my book that I abandoned out of the turmoil of my grief these past two years.

 

And I know many of you judged me for keeping up with K's mom all this time, but I did so because I do truly love her and we had a strong bond all along, and I thought it was the most balanced, loving, generous and sincere thing I could do. I really thought it was the right thing, if not the "best" thing (for my healing). I thought I truly have been operating out of my best, truest self in keeping up with her.

 

That's partly why, I suppose, I was so resistant to your suggestions that I'm not moving forward as I should. Also, I was/am resistant because my therapist, best friend and mom all had to practically shake me to get me to see all the ways K was, yes, a "loser," and then finally I got to a point where I could let myself see it and say it, and it felt like you all were coming after me for that.

 

I don't know, you guys. I am being as vulnerable as I could possibly be on this board and even off it, as though I were facing all of you with my hands up saying, "I don't know." This all was a huge kick in the heart and it doesn't mean I'm a weak person curling up into a ball every day doing nothing, and yet I'd be lying to the point of great disservice to myself to say this all doesn't still stir up my insides to their very core.

 

So what do I do? Really, what do you recommend? Do I just chalk this up to one Great Hurt, and just trust that I will keep moving forward, life will unfold, and this will grow more distant as an always-sad memory, with lots of tangled, contradictory parts that I'll never unravel?

 

Edited to add: And I don't know whether or not K is or was a loser. Sometimes he has seemed that way, and sometimes I just can feel the love I had for him. Sometimes I don't feel he deserved my love. Sometimes I feel I didn't love him well enough. He was and is, and the whole relationship and its end was and is, a whole kaleidoscope of highly contradictory and confusing perceptions and emotions and it's occurring to me that perhaps I have no better grip on it than I did in the beginning. I just don't know. To end the way I began this post: I don't know what I don't see.

Edited December 17, 2015 by GreenCove

[BC1980]

I'm at work right now and can't write a lot, but I think there are two big factors to why you are still stuck. You stayed friends on FB and stayed friends with his mom. Those two things allowed you to stay connected to K and kept alive notions of contact with him. You went NC 3 months ago, and that was only because K forced you to. Gotta go now, but sending good thoughts your way. Hang in there.

[BC1980]

With regards to K being a loser (or not), I was more concerned that you still cared if he was or wasn't a loser. I was concerned that you were still analyzing that idea at this point. Maybe he is a loser. I suppose that's subjective, but I don't think that needs to be your focus.

[lana-banana]

We've been here before, too. When people express exasperation with your unwillingness to move on, you lash out, quickly apologize, and wail you don't know what to do. We tell you the same things (block K, stop seeing his mother), you say you understand the sentiment but you just can't do it. After a little while you resume the slow trek upwards and the cycle begins anew. Let's break that cycle today. Let's really and truly start fresh.

 

So what do I do? Really, what do you recommend?

 

1) Look in the mirror every morning and repeat: "K doesn't care about me, K's life is better and happier without me, and that's okay." Say it a dozen times if you have to.

 

2) Find a new therapist. Isn't this the same guy you were seeing before you and K broke up? Extreme unprofessionalism aside, you would be better served with someone who doesn't remind you of your relationship with K.

 

3) Seriously consider moving. The fewer triggers in your life the better. You described moving away as a "superficial" form of moving on, but it's not superficial to recognize you're in a bad place. I am glad you've found a great new group of friends but you need to weigh that against your well-being.

 

4) Limit your relationship with K's mother. Just about every major setback you've had since the breakup has been related to her. Obviously it's rude to cut someone out altogether, but you can lessen your contact over time. Don't talk to her as much. Keep your interactions short and cordial. If she requests to meet up, decline. The connection will fade if you let it.

 

5) See #1.

Edited December 18, 2015 by lana-banana

[CatcherintheRye]

GreenCove,

 

I have read this thread from page one and have seen the progress you have made, but I have also seen regression too (which is normal and okay) but at some point it needs to stop. You seem to have gotten very angry when the others said his response was mature and regressing because you want them to vilify him like you have been strugglng to. I want to let you know I relate to you. Let me 'splain my first relationship to you though before I rant.

 

I was with this guy from the time I was 16 to 18 (he was two years older). Though two years can pale in comparison to a relationship going on four years, I did a lot of growing up with him. Our relationship was riddled with insecurities and jealousy (and I ignored it from the start, sound familiar?), but we talked about our future, talked about moving in together, talked about everything and I felt like we had such a connection, he was someone I could be with for a long time. I did not have the devices to deal with that break up. I begged and cried to him and talked in circles to anyone that would listen. I even coerced him to "just talk" with me after he told me initially he couldn't do it anymore.

I gave him a book I had been constructing of all the things we had done the past year together. I hoped it would sway him. He cried, I asked if he still felt the same, he nodded, I kissed him on the cheek and left. It felt like my soul had left my body. I felt empty.

 

It's been two years now and I have not heard from him. Not once. I too kept in contact with him mom, my mother also was cold to me a lot regarding my feelings, and I had such a hard time NOT obsessively monitoring him. I even knew every single one of his passwords. Snooping on his email (total invasion of privacy, I know), I found some terrible ads he responded to on Craigslist (I mean TERRIBLY gross) and that he had set up about three dating profiles IMMEDIATELY after the breakup. That hurt. Did I mean anything to him? How long had he not cared about me? The whole time? Was he just pretending because he liked having someone around? I assumed he was a sociopath, because no normal person could do that, surely!

I tortured myself in every way I could because I couldn't let go. I hated him but I wanted him to see my worth and value me enough to come back. I wanted to understand how he could throw me away when we spent two years together. I couldn't understand what was going through his mind; how he wasn't hurting like I was hurting or caring in any way about me and my feelings.

 

You know what? Today, I understand what he did, though I don't agree with it. I think about him from time to time and think how hard it must have been to look at the person you loved and break them. It took courage to agree to meet with me after he KNEW there was a 98% chance I would beg again. The other posters are saying K is acting mature because he is being as mature with you as it seems he can be since this thread started. There's no doubt he loved you. There's no doubt he felt something during that breakup because, after all, he's human. He's only a man, but seems to be one that isn't going to meet your standards. You are wasting valuable time pining over the wrong man while you could be taking this pain and letting it mold you into who you need to be to gear up for the long hike to the higher ground you need to be on for a healthier relationship.

 

With my current break up, I am still so very angry and hurt. I wish I could say I hate him for doing the slow-fade out of a relationship we had over a year. I deserved more than that. The crappy reality is, I can't control him. I want him to grovel and come back, but he probably won't and that makes me feel small. I see why he left and, though I don't agree with how he did it, he is looking out for himself and in the end...that's alright. It is the risk we take when falling in love and letting it evolve. You risked this. Think about the statement "tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." You are feeling this because you loved deeply. You are capable of this all-encompassing love that will lead you where you need to be. Life is risk and love is risk. You did it! You risked heartbreak and you're feeling it because you truly loved. That's great news, because you know you're not a sociopath! Yay! You also know that you possess that quality love that will help you maintain a relationship with the RIGHT man. From now on though, you need to be more careful with who you choose to let experience your wonderful love. You now know that you are capable of loving so deep, it can affect you for a very long time. Now you know you need to be concrete in your love for yourself FIRST and, as soon as you see your idea of red flags in the person you are interested in, you objectively decide whether THEY are deserving of YOUR love. If you think those red flags could deteriorate into something detrimental to a relationship, kick them to the curb. Love yourself to know you deserve the best.

 

My mother told me something recently while I was talking to her (for probably the 30th time) about how I still love my ex and how he added HIS ex on Facebook and how could he not care about me so fast and how maybe I should talk to him... She said, "he doesn't want to talk to you. Leave him alone. He's trying to move on and so should you."

 

Rude, I know. It has barely been two weeks. It's true though and you need to accept that. He may have loved you, but he does not anymore. He may have cared, but he's not responsible for being delicate with you anymore. He may have missed you, but he did what he had to do to move on because he was looking out for HIMSELF. Maybe you were on his mind, but he cared about HIMSELF more, which is perfectly okay. He's doing it and so can you. You are also capable of loving yourself more than him, his idea of you, his feelings for you, his family's relationship with you, or your thoughts on how well he seems to be progressing without you. You love yourself more than that, you just need to discover it. It is okay to do what YOU need without constantly looking for validation in the ghost of your memories with him. Forget him, you are #1. If you were a planet, he'd be an asteroid. He's a little part of your history that caused an impact and now he's gone. He's not coming back. He's on a path straight out to the darkest parts of space.

 

Do you know how planets have healed their craters? From volcanic activity. They erupted from inside and their lava filled the holes those asteroids caused. Let your love for yourself flow and fill the craters he made. Put yourself and your happiness first.

Do that and you'll be a mover and a shaker in whatever you do.

Edited December 18, 2015 by CatcherintheRye