Fear I am not progressing well in coping, 2

December 18, 2015

You know what to do.

Decide that this is it. You're done and are moving on.

You can do it. Make today the last day you pour any of your valuable energy into K or anything relating to him.

Look at all the great stuff you have done since the breakup. Imagine finishing that book and finding at some point a great partner to share some of these big accomplishments with.

Make today the day!

December 18, 2015

Yeah, that whole K's mom thing has to go, at least for now. If you have the relationship with her that you think you have, she'll understand. You can tell her what you need, and you can tell her why and you can tell her that it's not forever. But know that she is a tether to a past you want and need to let go of.

Speaking of want, I guess we all reach the point where what we want intellectually is different than what we desire with our hearts. It's pretty easy to articulate what we want intellectually and why, and more difficult to articulate what we desire and why. The why part of that is especially important, because chances are that you don't know why you desire this thing you can't have. Deep down inside somewhere, you must feel that this broken relationship can give you something you want. I don't know if that's love or acceptance or security or respect or family or reassurance or whatever, but there is something that drives your desire. It's not just him... it's what that relationship gave you. In essence, you're pining over a relationship with a guy that doesn't actually exist. He isn't what you want him to be, so it is something else. You've somehow convinced yourself that only this relationship can satisfy some unstated need. If you didn't think that way, you could let it go. Does that make any sense?

In my opinion, that is what you need to come to terms with, and you won't do that by distracting yourself with all that stuff that you do. Don't get me wrong, I think that stuff is good, and there's a place for it, but it doesn't help you address the nub of your problem. You keep scratching the surface without looking underneath. Take for example whether K is a loser or not. That's irrelevant, although it may help you to see him that way. But it's a baby step, and it kind of misses the point. You need to dig a lot deeper than that. Your hanging on problem is about you, not about him.

You seem to have a gift for writing. You've said some very insightful things and expressed some thoughts very beautifully, so maybe that's the way to find out what this is all about, a subject worthy of your prose. You're looking to the past for fulfillment, and it's never going to come from there. Your fulfillment is in your future, but you have to know what it is, where your motivation is coming from. I think you need to know what you're really looking for, and if you figure it out, that will take a lot of steam out of its power over you.

And just to pile on a little, all that NC stuff will force you to confront yourself, because you'll have nowhere else to turn your attention. When you refuse to do it, or you stalk, or peek, or you stay in touch, you're distracting yourself in the present with the trappings of the past, and those things get in the way of you dealing with this thoroughly. You make yourself feel bad, and that fresh pain erases your ability to be thoughtful about your underlying emotions. It's like you keep abusing your wound, rather than letting it bleed so it can begin to heal.

I think it was lana-banana who suggested moving, and I think that's an especially good idea. It's been a couple years, right? If not now, when?

February 20, 2016

This is a continuation of this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/477453-fear-i-am-not-progressing-well-coping-47.html (link to the last page where it left off). I tried to post this reply and a notice came up that said the thread was over 60 days old and so not accepting replies. Bummer, because it still gets a lot of hits and people's posts on it are so wise. Hopefully it can continue here:

I've spent the past two months with the recent replies very much on my mind. There was a ton of content in those replies and so I felt the best "response" was spending time reflecting and using those responses to try to pull myself to the next stage.

Thanks in no small part to your responses as well as my own horror at how much that last contact with K's mom upset me, I think I've come a long way in the past two months. For one, I haven't spoken to K's mom. I did text her Merry Christmas, and then she wrote me a long and loving text in early January that I never responded to. I also did not give her a birthday or Christmas present. I feel this force field around me that is keeping me from wanting any contact with her. Of course I still love her; my feelings for HER haven't changed; but I think that last meeting with her just maxed me out on how much hurt I was willing to tolerate in the interest of trying to honor the relationship we had and my fondness for her. I am very clear that I don't want to speak to her indefinitely. She may have taken the hint when I didn't reply to her text, but if she reaches out to me again I will tell her where I stand at this time. I don't know why it took me so long to do this--I think that last meeting just finally tapped me out emotionally to the point I feel unwilling to subject myself to any further pain if I can help it.

Mightycpa posed some questions to me that forced me to slow down and think:

Speaking of want, I guess we all reach the point where what we want intellectually is different than what we desire with our hearts. It's pretty easy to articulate what we want intellectually and why, and more difficult to articulate what we desire and why. The why part of that is especially important, because chances are that you don't know why you desire this thing you can't have. Deep down inside somewhere, you must feel that this broken relationship can give you something you want. I don't know if that's love or acceptance or security or respect or family or reassurance or whatever, but there is something that drives your desire. It's not just him... it's what that relationship gave you. In essence, you're pining over a relationship with a guy that doesn't actually exist. He isn't what you want him to be, so it is something else. You've somehow convinced yourself that only this relationship can satisfy some unstated need. If you didn't think that way, you could let it go. Does that make any sense?

What he said indeed made a great deal of sense, and over the past couple of months in my weekly therapy I finally reached a point where I was able to acknowledge that I suffered a lot of abuse in my childhood and adolescence. This had occurred to me numerous times throughout my adult life, but I always quickly poo-poohed it as being "self-indulgent," "overly dramatic," "feeling sorry for myself." The truth is that my stepfather in particular was very abusive, verbally as well as physically, and while he exited our lives when I was 23 the effects of the 15 years I had to deal with him still linger to this day. My mother also was and is abusive, and this is harder to see because she also is very loving. But she puts me down, shuts me out, ignores and even ridicules me for my feelings a lot of the time, and it bothers me more deeply than I have ever let on even to myself. Growing up I also had several mentors take advantage of me: one sexually (not actual sex or touching, but uncomfortable sexual overtures), several emotionally.

It's no wonder, then, that to date I've not had a healthy, loving romantic relationship and that I've chosen emotionally unavailable men and tolerated their resentment and irritation at me as "normal."

Obviously, mightycpa's question has no one single answer, but I do think the reason I have felt so devastated about the demise of the relationship with K is because I so deeply desire a family. I felt so good and comfortable with K and his family; they all truly felt like my adoptive family. I'd never felt this way about anyone before, not to such a degree. It felt so familiar, while also loving and cohesive in a way my family was not. As I think of where I want to take my life next, the overriding desire is to find a family, one that loves me and won't abandon me and that I can be a part of for years to come and that gets me and fills my life with constancy and love. I want this so badly and it stems from old childhood yearnings for a nice family environment like I did NOT have.

I am considering moving from the mountain town where I live, and not sure if it's the right move unless I leave to pursue a very specific goal. I do feel like I want some kind of new chapter, new input, something new and good from the outside to shake things up for me a bit, in a good way, of course. I admit that the idea of picking up and moving, all alone at age almost 40, terrifies me. I have started to build something here where I live, but I also still feel like my social environment is not equal to me, as snotty as that may sound. I have a couple of people who I feel "get me" and with whom I feel simpatico in a lot of ways, but my overall milieu does not stimulate or challenge me or hit me with the kind of variety and spice of ambition and creativity and intellect that I know I possess. I think one thing that gives me pause when I think of moving is how can I be sure that in moving to X place, I'll find a more stimulating social milieu? For me, it's not as simple as moving to a big city; I've lived in two big cities and the way I define success and intellectual/creative achievement differs from the "standard" way people tend to define it especially in big metropolitan areas like NYC or LA.

I did spend some time coaching myself to accept that K does not want me as part of his life. I just kept staring it down in my mind and each time trying to accept it more. I do still hurt from all of it and I probably always will to some extent, but I think I'm getting closer to feeling that yeah, K did not and does not want me in his life and the reasons why no longer matter, and it doesn't have to have any real bearing on my life or how I see myself. That said, recently I have noticed that I am quick to defend my boundaries when conflict arises with other people and maybe there is a kind-of PTSD quality to my reactions; I am so afraid of being treated badly and disrespected again. So, yes, maybe the breakup with K does affect me and will for some time, but not in a way where K, or my picture of K, plays a role, if that makes sense.

So that's a bit of update. I'm not sure how to go forward from here but I wanted to thank you for such thoughtful, nuanced responses that maybe gave me a much-needed push and certainly much to reflect upon. I feel very grateful for you wise, compassionate people on here.

February 20, 2016

And, in the effort to be 100% honest, one of the things that scares me about the idea of moving from this mountain town where I live is that I'll then be leaving the area, the way of life, the shared memories, etc. that with K just a mile down the road from me, still, I still share with him.

I'm ashamed to admit this, but I hope it helps new readers processing their grief over a breakup not feel bad for feeling as they do. I'm proof that hope dies very, very, very hard. As I've mentioned, with my 2007 ex, I moved across the country in part as a way to kill all hope and for a fresh start. And the irony revealed itself years later, when my most recent ex sent me a breakup email almost identical to the one my 2007 ex sent me in tone, length, issues raised, etc. It was awful to see that this severance I'd tried to achieve, this door I'd tried to shut, in fact never shut--because what good is blocking a person from your life and your psyche and your hopes if the issues with which that person is associated aren't dealt with?

In this present situation, I wouldn't just be moving because of K, but because it holistically makes sense for where I think I want to head next in life. That isn't 100% clear because the idea of moving, of starting over, makes me so terrified. I feel like I'm too old to just start all over. It took me YEARS to make a life here.

I also can't forget K's words to my mom just days before he and I broke up: "GreenCove doesn't belong here. She needs to be in a place where her talents are recognized." As dumb as it sounds, I admit I'm really loathe to prove him right. Because if he is right, my logic goes, then I never belonged with him, I never belonged with his family even though it so utterly felt like I did, and all this effort I've made over the past six years to make a life here was moot because I never belonged here in the first place. That's a pretty sh*tty thing to realize, especially as I imagine him happy here, content with this way of life, surrounded by his family and family history, and I'm still the wandering orphan.

This is the old stuff that surfaces along with the fear of making a big change.

February 21, 2016

Maybe because I do feel ready to start making some big decisions about this next chapter in my life whose vague outline is starting to appear through the mist, I've spent a lot of time this weekend reflecting on this situation--where I began with it, and where I've come. As one of the hardest things I have been through to date, what I take away from the whole ordeal will probably define a lot of how I shape this next chapter. And I feel a kind of "pressure" first because I'm a classic "Type A" and second because I will turn 40 this fall to get this next chapter "right" as much as I can. Which, I'm aware, is a bit of a fallacious and dangerous way to think--"the best laid plans..." yadda yadda.

First, it's crazy how people can come into our lives, have a huge impact, and then leave our lives and while the leaving feels unbearable for a time, maybe a long time, things can always begin anew. I didn't believe that two years ago but I see it now. It gives hope to all of us who suffer loss because it means that even with loss after loss after loss to the point things feel hopeless, renewal is always something to reach for. You have to work for it, but it's within all our reach, which means that life is always worth going on to live to the end.

Second, the biggest thing I've learned, in absolutely the most painful way. I hope others of you on here can learn from my mistake and save yourself years of pain. It's this: the biggest asset you can cultivate is the conviction that you deserve the very best in every area of life. Obviously this notion can be perverted into all kinds of erroneous slants, but at ITS best it is the truest thing about any living thing. Of course you want to have a sense of realism, a great deal of humility, an awareness that the universe doesn't revolve around you, and the savvy to see that resources aren't unlimited, but you CAN have all these things and also believe that you deserve the best. This keeps you motivated and keeps you on the straightest path to fulfillment and self-realization. With K, I started dating him because I recognized a lot of desirable qualities, but very soon into our dating I saw his irritability and proneness to contempt at every sign of conflict. I enjoyed many things about him but overall there was constant stress as I waged this inner combat with this unease with how he treated me, this general disrespect for how I felt that he kept showing and I kept feeling down to my core. If I'd been in touch with this conviction that I deserved the best a relationship with another human being had to offer, then even while simultaneously enjoying K I could have broken things off with him within the first couple of months, and BY DEFINITION, because I was following the path of my conviction of deserving the best, everything that would have followed from that decision would have been better than what I got in the end. Instead, I spent over three years waiting for HIM to validate me, for HIM to decide that I deserved better treatment...all because I doubted that I deserved better.

Okay, that's a start. I'll share more as I think of it and more things floating around my head come up for air, a.k.a. articulation in words. As always I appreciate others' thoughts about things you learned in the wake of a horrible breakup.

February 23, 2016

Hi GC

So you are turning 40 this year..that is still young. My other half left me after 11 and half years for another guy in 2014 and got married within 7 months of leaving me. She was 37 going on 38.

I've been going through some of the stuff you are recently experiencing: the relapses, the conversations with myself about how she could have left after so many years.. Sometimes I enjoy reminiscing and thinking about the ex but it's a fantasized view of when it was good. The person I loved does not exist anymore. They have no desire to even acknowledge me at all. This was tough to deal with but I'm still here, still breathing, nobody died. A little of me has changed and that was a sad thing but we never come out of break ups the same person we were before. At first I didn't want this new 'me' and 'new' life without her but I've learnt to live with who I am and have become. Also, I try to learn from the past.

Recently I found myself making the same mistakes(the things I could have done better in the past relationship). This is when the past proves useful. I get disgusted with myself that I'm doing the same things I did in the past. This usually causes me to change things for the better.

The thing here that people say about the next relationship being better than the last one is true. You will love better and the next person will really love you in ways the ex could never express. Yes, in some aspects I miss the ex but in other aspects meeting someone else things are much better than it ever was with the ex.

Learn from the past. Make the past useful (see what went wrong). Don't live in the past or carry it around like a burden. Use your past as one of your mentors! It's tough to look at the past in such a detached way but it comes with practice. Think of the past as the parting gift from the ex. You loved and will love again. There are people out there who have never experienced love or have been loved.

February 23, 2016

Learn from the past. Make the past useful (see what went wrong). Don't live in the past or carry it around like a burden. Use your past as one of your mentors! It's tough to look at the past in such a detached way but it comes with practice. Think of the past as the parting gift from the ex. You loved and will love again. There are people out there who have never experienced love or have been loved.

"Use the past as one of your mentors." I absolutely love this; what a great way to look at experience. I think sometimes we try to focus on getting the past to "die," but more than the present and the future, the past belongs 100% to us, so we can't will it to die without killing off a certain suppleness, or receptivity toward our experience, present and future.

I'm very sorry for your breakup; it sounds like it was a terrible shock but also perhaps your ex revealed her true character to you and in the end, you are better off? (I read some of your threads.) If you don't mind my asking, how are you coping now and what are some of the things the experience taught you?

I'm at a place where I'm thinking about the future, feeling a need to push myself to that next, more authentic place and to open the big curtained French doors to a new chapter. Just the intention stirring in me to do this makes me want to run the comb through this breakup--something I've done a bazillion times before as this thread attests, but now with a bit of emotional distance. It's like before I was wandering around in the thick of it with a GoPro on my head and the perspective was limited, shaky, distorting, and unable to show the whole landscape, and now I have a helicopter at my disposal and can fly over the landscape and see the patterns at a glance: What did I learn? How did this change me? (That's a hard one, and it hurts.) What, if anything, am I still holding on to that I need to let go of? What are things I can do today, tomorrow, the day after that that are DIFFERENT but considered with a new mentality, whatever that has come to be, and that will lead me in a new, BETTER direction so that I don't repeat the same mistakes and find myself on that same hamster wheel of self-perceptions and interpersonal dynamics?

And on. And of course, the fear induced by it all. I don't want to go through this kind of hurt ever again. Of course, none of us can control that, not 100%, anyway. How, I ask myself, do I avoid the tar pits, the gaping holes, the vipers, the tigers and the impassable passages? I'm trying to answer that. I'm considering taking up meditation rather than / in addition to tiring out my brain all the time from thinking ;-)

February 24, 2016

I've been thinking a ton lately about what you can reasonably expect from people. One thing this breakup forced me to recognize about myself is that I try to conduct myself around people as though I have no expectations. "Oh, no problem," I'd cheerily say when someone didn't do something they said they'd do. And when this would happen repeatedly, still I would say nothing, but privately I'd notice and feel frustrated or resentful. I'm working to change that and it's like being in a foreign land; I don't know what the "rules" are, and I'm equally afraid of causing unnecessary conflict by overreacting to a boundary violation or unmet promise or expectation as I am of being taken advantage of because someone has sniffed out that I'll quite probably tolerate it. I feel like I'm flailing as I try to figure out how to enforce boundaries and hold people to certain expectations.

I see now that one thing that made this breakup hurt so much was that I was CERTAIN that K, my ex, would realize that he was in the wrong, would regret his behavior, and would reach out to me to at least apologize. It seemed inevitable, and it egged me on in this line of thinking that his mom and family all communicated to me that they thought his dumping me was a terrible mistake, that he was passing up something he'd not get again, that he was screwing up his life big-time by letting me go.

So, as this thread attests, for a long time, I waited. I expected. I thought, there's no way he will be able to sit with this decision and not feel guilt, shame, and miss me. There's no way that given he will feel these things, he will eventually reach out to me. I thought, he was so lost and confused and empty within himself--this was something I perceived as well as something he admitted to me many times--that even the smallest step he makes toward some kind of inner clarity about himself will result in his reevaluating his irritable, contemptuous, defensive behavior toward me. And, I thought, given overall I felt that in his core self he really did love me and admired me (he always signed his cards and notes with, "With love and admiration, K"), even if he's able to let me go NOW amidst all his lost-ness and confusion, stuck-ness in life and self-frustration, he won't be able to leave it completely in the end. Yes, an inner conviction cooly informed me for months and months after the breakup, he absolutely will reach out to me.

Well, if you have read this thread you know that it has been two and a half years (to the very DAY, I just realized! 8/23/13), and...nothing. Not one thing, except unfriending me on Facebook this past September. Now, I haven't spent all this time actively waiting on him to do something; I had pretty much given up over a year ago but as we know, hope is a hard thing to kill off completely; but this length of time just shows my expectations of what I KNEW he would eventually do to be completely, ridiculously erroneous.

The expectation I harbored for so long that he would reach out to me was built on a certain world-view, my world-view, which was this: if you treat someone the way he treated me, of you're stuck in your life in the way he was, then you're not going to feel right about your behavior until you try to make amends. I realize I have no idea why he never reached out--I can make guesses but the truth is that I really don't know. Maybe he did miss me and felt shame and guilt over his behavior; maybe he didn't: I only know that he never reached out. Not only was my expectation of him thrown on its head, but my overarching assumption about how people work and what kinds of outcomes would result from certain kinds of choices and behavior.

I feel amazed, truly, that I could be SO SO SO WRONG! And I wonder whether it reveals something about what I expect from others, or don't expect, or what I think relationships should be, that also is just...completely WRONG. Can any of you relate to this?

I suspect some of the more "Zen" among you will say that it's dangerous to ever expect anything from anyone or anything. But I can't see how a person COULDN'T end up expecting at least SOMETHING. We are predictors by nature, no? We try to use the information we have at hand in the present to make general predictions about the future. An "expectation" is fairly synonymous with a "prediction." I guess I'm trying to suss out where I could be off with my expectations of people generally. Because it seems that if I could go back in time and go through this exact breakup all over again, with the "wisdom" gained from having gone through it this first time, I'd do better solely because I'd have no grounds on which to harbor the same expectations as this first time.

I hope I am making some sense because I'd love to hear others' thoughts on this. I don't want to go forward continually holding expectations that just aren't well founded. It's just...I thought they WERE well-founded. I feel I'm floundering and confused on this point.

February 26, 2016

I can't sleep because of anxiety over what next steps I need to take.

Does anyone relate to this? I have tried so hard since moving here in 2010 to make things work. And really, I've been successful by most standards. It's only by my standards that I feel I have fallen short. I'm not a successful artist, yet. I'm not successful in having a "normal" job and career track...but then I discovered over the years that I never really wanted that, anyway. But then, I'm not successful in friendships and romance, either--and I thought that always would be an area at which I could succeed. I really never thought I'd not be married by now.

I left the east coast in 2008 in the middle of the global financial crisis, and when I couldn't get work in any of my venues of background and experience, I took a chance on something different, and decided to try to make it work not knowing the outcome. This decision brought me here, to this beautiful mountain town where I live. I mean, this place is extraordinary in its physical beauty, and as far as mountain towns go, there is far more here culturally and intellectually than most other mountain towns; for one, it's bigger than a lot of mountain towns.

But somehow I can't shake this feeling that I stepped off my own personal bandwagon in coming here, and I feel this pull to go "back," though back to what, I'm not entirely sure. The things that bother me the most are that I don't feel the work I'm doing is reflective of my true potential or even current abilities; and that socially I still feel very lonely. A coworker left a sticky on my desk after I helped her secure an area in our many office locations where she could pump breast milk for her new baby: "Smile because you are awesome." I saved the note because it made me feel good, but it made me wonder why I seem to have such a hard time making friends or finding a man who wants to commit to me if people always seem to like me so much.

I mean, it's not that I don't have friends, but they're not close friends. I have people I get together with for dinner or drinks every once and a while, but it doesn't feel like over time we draw closer. I always feel like I'm the one wanting more emotionally out of the interactions than they do. I feel like everyone has other people with whom they are close emotionally and they don't need me for that.

It's hard because even after all this time, if I'm honest I loved my ex more than anyone else I have met since moving here. We fought, and I can't say I was always "happy" with him...but it really MEANT something to me to have him in my life. And one of the reasons this breakup hurt so much is because by his silence all this time and his willingness to throw it all away two-plus years ago, he has communicated that to him I was expendable. He apparently doesn't miss having me in his life the way I have missed having him in mine, fights and all. I try to keep it simple now: we broke up because he and I weren't on the same page about marriage, etc. He wasn't ready and I made him feel pressured and like he wasn't measuring up, and so he let me go. I believe him, that he wasn't ready for a marital commitment. That it wasn't just that he wasn't ready for it with ME. But it made me very sad to discover that seemingly in his eyes I didn't have something that he cherished having in his life; if he cherished something about me, he'd have reached out by now at least, if not tried to pull his act together on his end to give us a second chance.

Please don't think I'm pining for him; I'm not. I'm pining to feel like I truly matter to SOMEBODY. I know I'm liked by many people, yet every day when I go home I feel very alone and sad and emotionally far away from everyone.

It is these feelings that make me think the best thing I could do for myself is to move. But I don't know that I want to go back to a large city, though I know that's the best place to meet and interact with the widest range and largest number of people. And maybe that would help me socially in terms of being better able to ferret out a small handful of people who actually would be close friends. By "close," by the way, I guess I mean: getting together regularly; involving each other in our emotional lives and confidences; doing activities together; drawing closer over time to where we could use the word "love" with each other. Am I misguided in this definition?

I don't know if I could stand the expense and pace of a large city; I think about moving to be closer to my mom, but though I know we love each other a lot we have such a fractious relationship and we haven't even spoken in the last three or so weeks because my mom has frozen me out after a spat we had on the phone.

And my biggest fear: that I move, and find myself just as socially lonely as I am right now.

I think the thing I crave the absolute most, beyond career opportunities and attainments, beyond social stature, is a sense of belonging. I want to feel like I belong, really belong, where people love me enough to WANT to be close to me and then we have an honest relationship where we can call each other out on our sh*t. I don't feel like I have anyone in my life right now where I live who even knows me well enough to call me out on sh*t, and THAT is the biggest cause of my loneliness. I like to be challenged, especially when I know it is done with love.

When I think like this, I think about my ex and his family and how I loved them all so much. I felt like I "belonged" with them. I felt there really was something there. I loved them all more than I have cared about anyone I've met in the 2-plus years since we've broken up. I felt that they deeply cared about me, too, and yet...look how things turned up. I was NOTHING to my ex. Obviously. Man, that still hurts even now, because in all this time I haven't become SOMETHING to anyone else. I feel like I'm living out a life that really, no one sees. And I don't understand why or what I can do to change it. I'm nice, I'm funny, I'm pretty, loving, caring, smart, creative, versatile, sexy, sexual, I listen, I do nice things for people, I have depth. Wouldn't these traits draw quality people to me, who want to be close to me? Am I doing something wrong?

I want to make a change but I'm not sure what steps to take. I wonder sometimes whether I should just try to be content with this, what I have now, because maybe there's not any better than this? Maybe I'd go elsewhere and be just as lonely?

I know this is long and I'm treating this thread almost like a journal, but as always, if anyone can relate or has any insight or similar experience or simply can commiserate or _____, I always appreciate hearing what you have to say.

February 26, 2016

I can relate to your thoughts of not feeling you belong. I've felt that way since my breakup. Logically, I do belong. I have wonderful friends and family, but I FEEL that I am alone. I feel like an island unto myself. I keep thinking of John Donne's poem, "For Whom the Bell Tolls," and I feel the opposite of that. I feel adrift. I feel unconnected to any center. I never felt this way when I was single, before I met my ex.

Like you, I enjoyed being around my ex's family. We would go on vacations with them, and I loved the feeling of family. I do have my own family that is similar, but I became really attached to some members of my ex's family. You know I was close with his son and was going to adopt him. I've said this before, but I feel that when my ex left me, it was like he pushed me out of the car and left me on the side of the road with no way to get home. I still haven't completely found what feels like home. I really had no idea that the last time I saw his sister would be the last time. At times, I've wondered why all of this affected me so deeply. But then I would think about how I was supposed to marry this man, supposed to be a mom to his son, and, one day, I was told that wasn't on the table anymore. That I could pack my things and leave, thank you very much. That's really awful and traumatizing when I think about it. I felt like this child's mom and had full intentions of watching him grow up, and, now, I will never see him again. I mean, I'm probably lucky I made it out in one piece after all of that.

I guess my biggest fear is that a romantic attachment is the only thing that can fill that need to belong, to be a part of something. I have a great family, great friends, plans for the future. So why do I feel that I don't belong anywhere? I do know that there are a heck of a lot of people who feel the same way that I do, and I've come to realize that these feelings are a part of the human condition. We all yearn to belong, to feel that we matter to someone else. We are all terrified of abandonment. I don't know that I have any advice, but I just wanted to let you know that I totally get how you feel.

Edited February 26, 2016 by BC1980

February 26, 2016

I also wanted to add something about the friends issue. The older I've gotten, I've realized that it's really difficult to find a true friend. I have a lot of acquaintances. Like you, I have several people that I go out to dinner with just to catch up. I have a lot of "friends" where I work. But really, true friends that I have an emotional connection with? I'd say 3. Two of those I have known since grade school, and one friend I met at work 5 years ago. Those are the only ones that I can say, without a doubt, would be there for me when I needed them and will always be in my life, in some form. Everyone else is probably just passing through.

So I don't think you are alone in feeling that way. I don't think there is something wrong with you because you fee like you can't make friends easily. I just think it's difficult to make true friends. Life long friends.

February 27, 2016

I can relate to your thoughts of not feeling you belong. I've felt that way since my breakup. Logically, I do belong. I have wonderful friends and family, but I FEEL that I am alone. I feel like an island unto myself. I keep thinking of John Donne's poem, "For Whom the Bell Tolls," and I feel the opposite of that. I feel adrift. I feel unconnected to any center. I never felt this way when I was single, before I met my ex.

Like you, I enjoyed being around my ex's family. We would go on vacations with them, and I loved the feeling of family. I do have my own family that is similar, but I became really attached to some members of my ex's family. You know I was close with his son and was going to adopt him. I've said this before, but I feel that when my ex left me, it was like he pushed me out of the car and left me on the side of the road with no way to get home. I still haven't completely found what feels like home. I really had no idea that the last time I saw his sister would be the last time. At times, I've wondered why all of this affected me so deeply. But then I would think about how I was supposed to marry this man, supposed to be a mom to his son, and, one day, I was told that wasn't on the table anymore. That I could pack my things and leave, thank you very much. That's really awful and traumatizing when I think about it. I felt like this child's mom and had full intentions of watching him grow up, and, now, I will never see him again. I mean, I'm probably lucky I made it out in one piece after all of that.

I guess my biggest fear is that a romantic attachment is the only thing that can fill that need to belong, to be a part of something. I have a great family, great friends, plans for the future. So why do I feel that I don't belong anywhere? I do know that there are a heck of a lot of people who feel the same way that I do, and I've come to realize that these feelings are a part of the human condition. We all yearn to belong, to feel that we matter to someone else. We are all terrified of abandonment. I don't know that I have any advice, but I just wanted to let you know that I totally get how you feel.

All of this is exactly how I feel: adrift. More socially and emotionally than in terms of achievement. I know that I ultimately will achieve what I set out to achieve; what keeps me up at night is the uncertainty as to how that path will take shape. But socially and emotionally I wonder: will I always feel like I don't belong, and lonely? I've always felt different from my peers, like they like me, but I just don't fit in to the puzzle that links the rest of them together. It's not just here, where I live now, that I have felt this. Maybe it's greater now than it ever was, but I wonder whether it's because of my age and the different, more closed-off way people socialize in their late 30s versus mid to late 20s. This is why I question my impulse to move. If I move, will things really be better, ultimately? Or will it just be another version of the same? And can I be content with "same"?

I'm also with you in that feeling that a romantic attachment will fill that need to belong. I don't think I'd at all feel the way I do now if I had a relationship that was moving toward marriage and building a life together. It's just that in the past, the people I've always been drawn to are people who I perceive to be "outside," belonging yet not belonging, like me. And the problem is that each of these men also had some actual problems; they weren't "outside" but emotionally healthy and genuinely self-confident. I do think that while I may not belong, per se, I AM emotionally healthy in most respects, capable of intimacy, etc. I don't want to attract the same pattern; I really wanted to build a great life for myself before getting into another relationship, but I feel like my life now has a big hole in it, where an intimate partner would be.

I really want a companion; is that necessarily an unhealthy thing?

February 27, 2016

All of this is exactly how I feel: adrift. More socially and emotionally than in terms of achievement. I know that I ultimately will achieve what I set out to achieve; what keeps me up at night is the uncertainty as to how that path will take shape. But socially and emotionally I wonder: will I always feel like I don't belong, and lonely? I've always felt different from my peers, like they like me, but I just don't fit in to the puzzle that links the rest of them together. It's not just here, where I live now, that I have felt this. Maybe it's greater now than it ever was, but I wonder whether it's because of my age and the different, more closed-off way people socialize in their late 30s versus mid to late 20s. This is why I question my impulse to move. If I move, will things really be better, ultimately? Or will it just be another version of the same? And can I be content with "same"?

I'm also with you in that feeling that a romantic attachment will fill that need to belong. I don't think I'd at all feel the way I do now if I had a relationship that was moving toward marriage and building a life together. It's just that in the past, the people I've always been drawn to are people who I perceive to be "outside," belonging yet not belonging, like me. And the problem is that each of these men also had some actual problems; they weren't "outside" but emotionally healthy and genuinely self-confident. I do think that while I may not belong, per se, I AM emotionally healthy in most respects, capable of intimacy, etc. I don't want to attract the same pattern; I really wanted to build a great life for myself before getting into another relationship, but I feel like my life now has a big hole in it, where an intimate partner would be.

I really want a companion; is that necessarily an unhealthy thing?

I've always felt different too, and I wonder if we all feel that way. Surely, we aren't the only two people who feel that way. I'm wondering if that is a common feeling to nearly everyone. Maybe that's why we are so attracted to the idea of romantic attachments. They make us feel secure and like everyone else. Because I do feel that it is normal to want to find love, get married, have a family, be a part of a family unit that is different from the unit created by your parents and siblings. My ex was the first guy I truly wanted to marry, and it just felt so peaceful to be a part of a family unit with his son. It felt so natural to me and like I'd found what I never knew I wanted. Even as yucky as he could be at times, I was very attracted the the feeling of family and stability.

Socially and emotionally adrift is a good way to put it. It's just a feeling I can't quite put into words. I kept thinking that feeling would go away, but it hasn't. I've done a lot of things without my ex that I would never have done with him. I've accomplished some goals, and I still have more I would like to accomplish. But that feeling stays with me. You know what keeps me up at night? Thinking of growing old and being alone. Thinking of always feeling so adrift in this life.

I also thought about moving after my breakup, but I don't think that would "fix" things. I would just carry these emotions elsewhere. I think it can be beneficial to move at time, but it ended up not being the right option for me because I decided to go back to school to get my masters in nursing. So that decision put the kibosh on moving. I've long thought that I would love living in a place like NM, CO, WY, or UT. Just a gorgeous place with mountains. But as you've said, even nice scenery doesn't fix your problems. I'm torn on what advice to give you on moving. I'm not a big city person. I much prefer the mountains or a small town. I like serenity.

February 27, 2016

GC, in my own thread I have spoken about wanting to move and feel that is a necessary step for me. How long have you felt the need to move? The only way I made my decision was through a pro's and con's list -- writing down why it would be good to move and why it wouldn't be good to move. If the pro's outweigh the con's then I would say it is time to move. However, that won't solve your problems completely. You'll have to take your emotions with you and deal with them, too. However, moving will probably be that kick you need to start a new chapter in your life where you can begin to feel happy without that need for a companion.

I have found that when you're not looking for a partner, more appear wanting to be with you and sometimes those are the best ones -- when you're not looking, I mean. That's just my opinion, though. For now I would take advantage of being alone.

February 28, 2016

I've always felt different too, and I wonder if we all feel that way. Surely, we aren't the only two people who feel that way. I'm wondering if that is a common feeling to nearly everyone. Maybe that's why we are so attracted to the idea of romantic attachments. They make us feel secure and like everyone else. Because I do feel that it is normal to want to find love, get married, have a family, be a part of a family unit that is different from the unit created by your parents and siblings. My ex was the first guy I truly wanted to marry, and it just felt so peaceful to be a part of a family unit with his son. It felt so natural to me and like I'd found what I never knew I wanted. Even as yucky as he could be at times, I was very attracted the the feeling of family and stability.

You say so much here that I don't know if I can respond appropriately. I do think you're right, that when you get into people's psyches, everyone has that feeling of not belonging on some level. No one fits perfectly with the expectations of his or her social milieu--or more correctly, the person's PERCEPTIONS of his or her social milieu's expectations. Few people, however, readily admit to that feeling. And from the outside, it appears always to me that many people just seem to have a "pad" of family and friendships that meet enough of their needs that they don't need to look outside that "pad" for emotional fulfillment. Whereas I always feel like I'm looking for more emotional fulfillment, more intimacy, more honesty, more openness and generosity. I try to be and to give all those things, but it's very rare that it comes back to me. Often I feel like I'm an entertainer (which actually IS my training, from childhood--a performer): people seem drawn to me for my energy, friendliness, joie de vivre, honesty...but they seem to enjoy it, like a show, rather than want to participate in it, as in to invite me into their circles.

I had an older coworker pull me aside after work this fall and in the context of another conversation, she asked me, "Do you know how others perceive you?" She said I was intimidating to a lot of people, and then confused them because they see this attractive, multi-talented, intelligent person and then I'm so hard on myself, like I don't see these things in myself that others see in me. She said it seems like I'm always trying to prove something, though what, she cannot discern. She said a lot of other things and it really surprised me how well she "knew" me. She made me cry, because for the first time in a long time, I felt truly SEEN. But even though everything she says is true, and she's telling me that people do really like me and care about me, I'm not sure how to integrate that into my own perception of things, which is that...I'm very lonely. So so so lonely. No one sees my tears, or connects all the solo backpacking and hiking and adventuring I've done the past two years with the possibility that I do that because I'm trying to cope with a lot of pain. Pain from my breakup, but also a broader pain. People have expressed that I must love going solo into the wilderness. And I do love it, because it brings me peace, and I love testing myself in the elements, but none of that changes the fact of my loneliness.

I felt similarly about my ex and his family as you did with yours. That sense of belonging to this thing, family--there's nothing greater (and, you could add, nothing more potentially dysfunctional and destructive to its members). But to you really think you and I are attracted, more than "normal," to the idea of romantic attachments? I was never obsessed with boys or dating and when I was in my early 20s I always felt like I had more important things to do. I didn't have my first boyfriend until I was 25. And now, I know how much I want to share real love with a man who wants the same. It's not the only thing I want, but as I go about my life I know I would prefer to integrate my life with someone else's in a way that elevates us both as human beings. I don't know.

Socially and emotionally adrift is a good way to put it. It's just a feeling I can't quite put into words. I kept thinking that feeling would go away, but it hasn't. I've done a lot of things without my ex that I would never have done with him. I've accomplished some goals, and I still have more I would like to accomplish. But that feeling stays with me. You know what keeps me up at night? Thinking of growing old and being alone. Thinking of always feeling so adrift in this life.

I could have written this paragraph verbatim. There was a movie I saw a few years ago, in which one character said to the other, "We're all just one small adjustment from making our lives work." I think that's what I keep looking for. That adjustment, that one tweak that will make everything feel like it fits, and like I fit. Is it psychological, attitudinal, situational, social? I don't know. I feel like I'm always searching for something but I don't know what, exactly. I only know that losses like what I experienced with my ex only exacerbate that sense that things just aren't working for me as a whole, in some way. I know much of that is my own perception.

I also thought about moving after my breakup, but I don't think that would "fix" things. I would just carry these emotions elsewhere. I think it can be beneficial to move at time, but it ended up not being the right option for me because I decided to go back to school to get my masters in nursing. So that decision put the kibosh on moving. I've long thought that I would love living in a place like NM, CO, WY, or UT. Just a gorgeous place with mountains. But as you've said, even nice scenery doesn't fix your problems. I'm torn on what advice to give you on moving. I'm not a big city person. I much prefer the mountains or a small town. I like serenity.

No, nice scenery does not fix your problems; I can attest to that personally. A more "austere" natural environment like living in a mountain town ("austere" because it's a very different lifestyle than your typical suburban or small-town lifestyle and there are sacrifices involved just to live there) can click with you in a deep soul way if it's your cup of tea. I know that though it has been a huge struggle for me to adjust from big city life to life in the mountains, the mountains really do speak to me in a quiet, subtle way I can't quite articulate but it is huge. It IS a sense of "belonging," in a way. The irony I experience is that I've had to put up with so much of a sense of NOT belonging to have this sense of belonging that the mountains provide. Weird, huh?

That's so awesome that you are back in school for your nursing masters. That certainly seems like the kind of opportunity that would trump moving as a way to grow forward. I have been thinking about returning to school, not only as a way to advance my career, but also as a more concrete goal to move away from here FOR, and a chance to meet a specific kind of people who share a specific interest, all of us concentrated in one place with a common goal of graduating. I don't want to just move without a very clear and specific purpose in mind. To move just to jumpstart a new chapter...well, I've already done that. That was what where I'm living now was supposed to be. It certainly jumpstarted a new chapter, all right: one of the hardest chapters I've yet experienced. I don't think I have the wherewithal to go through that again. Does that make me a coward? I don't think so....

I sometimes wonder how I'd feel about things if I'd gotten what I wanted with K. Meaning, if he had contacted me as I'd "expected" him to do, and said he really messed up and he's sorry and he wants to try again. Would I feel this same sense of bleakness that I've felt for the past few years? I'll be honest, of late I've been really missing him. We had plenty of struggles but I did truly enjoy his companionship, his brand of weirdness and humor, the things he exposed me to, his whole range as a person. I really loved him and it still baffles me that he doesn't reach out, because I felt even at the very end that I was important to him and that he loved me. It all still hurts me, every day, and I can't help but wonder how it is impacting my perceptions of where my life is and how I'm going to go about finding solutions to fulfill my dreams.

I also wonder about this last thing: when you stop striving so hard to fulfill dreams, and start just appreciating what you have in the now as enough. Is there something awry with the fact that i feel what is in my life now is not enough, is what I wonder. Shouldn't I just be content?

February 28, 2016

GC, in my own thread I have spoken about wanting to move and feel that is a necessary step for me. How long have you felt the need to move? The only way I made my decision was through a pro's and con's list -- writing down why it would be good to move and why it wouldn't be good to move. If the pro's outweigh the con's then I would say it is time to move. However, that won't solve your problems completely. You'll have to take your emotions with you and deal with them, too. However, moving will probably be that kick you need to start a new chapter in your life where you can begin to feel happy without that need for a companion.

I read where you said you'd decided to move and have given notice at your job. It sounds like your reasoning is solid and I'm cheering for you on this new chapter. How far away from where you currently live are you thinking of moving? Do you have a specific area or city in mind; do you know people there?

Back when my 2007 ex and I broke up, I moved because I wanted to kill off all hope; I couldn't bear the pain of the hope. I was tired of living in a large city and wanted something new. Now, I screwed up in that I moved in the context of a rebound relationship (I only realized it was a rebound years later), but I think in retrospect it was the right decision to move, just the wrong circumstances.

Having done that, the only cautionary advice I could offer is this: we often expect that when we make some change or other--leaving a job, leaving where we live, leaving a relationship--that automatically the next thing will be "better." And that is not always the case. Not only is it true that you bring your problems wherever you go, because "wherever you go, there you are," but also wherever you go to will bring its own set of problems alongside whatever "solutions" the act of moving engenders. There is no avoiding the slogging through the day to day of whatever pain you are experiencing right now, in this present moment.

It's this discovery that has given me pause every time I've thought of moving from where I live now. It has been very tough-going here for me. When K and I broke up, it made the tough-going even tougher-going, and I often wonder if things would have been better if I'd just left. Now, this place has become a part of me; in my struggles and trying to address them, in some way this has become "home." Still, as I said to BC1980, I don't feel like I belong and yeah, I'm pretty lonely. Would moving fix that? I really don't know.

Your situation with your ex, like mine with my ex, sounds like one of things you'll be sifting through for some time. If you feel that moving will help in that process, know that I am cheering for you, and may look to you for inspiration in my own journey, so I hope you will keep posting about your experience. I'm sorry I didn't write all this in YOUR thread; I wanted to reply to your latest post there but didn't want to come off as raining on your parade which, I hope you see, is not at all my intent.

I have found that when you're not looking for a partner, more appear wanting to be with you and sometimes those are the best ones -- when you're not looking, I mean. That's just my opinion, though. For now I would take advantage of being alone.

I'm not looking. I'm just trying to get solid in myself. It's hard because I still carry so much love and hurt from the whole thing with K, my ex. I fear that the only thing that will shake some of that loose enough for me to be free to love again will be some kind of rebound that I won't even know is a rebound. I really don't want that, either: been there, done that. Not worth it. I've made pretty clear to guys who have expressed interest of late that I'm just not available right now. I wish it weren't so, but it is

February 28, 2016

For me, my move isn't about killing all hope because deep down I do hope EL (my ex) contacts me one day. I will probably always share a shred of hope for that and it's okay. I can live with it. What I can't live with is the torture -- she lives close by, I usually see her passing on my way to work, we often grabbed coffee or lunch together, I've took her to every restaurant in this town and we had adventures outside town. There is a park near me that I took her to one day when both of us were walking back to mine after dinner, both of us were pretty drunk and she never gets drunk usually -- so we went to the park late at night and I sat on the swings, she sat on my lap and wrapped her legs around me and we both just sat there staring at each other for a few minutes before saying, "I love you". It's memories like this that I love dearly but they are also triggers because I pass by that park everyday and it reminds me EVERYDAY. There are so many instances like this one and it's pure torture for me. Of course, that isn't the only reason I am moving.

GC, if you're not emotionally available right now that is completely understandable. When someone hurts you so much and it's more intense because you literally fell completely in love with this person -- it does something to you that scars. Everyone is different with the healing process and sometimes the scabs reopen -- could be accidentally or intentionally but either way it takes time and if we rush the healing it takes longer. I am sure after your relationship ended and depending on how it ended, then you are probably skeptical about new guys who come into the picture. It's difficult to commit yourself into a new, fresh relationship when you're healing and part of you still longs for your ex. And I don't mean you, I just mean in general.

I will not be dating for a long time, if at all. I am more or less focused on being content with myself and being alone. I also want to try love myself because I know no one else can truly give me that love I long for. I do believe my ex-girlfriend loved me, but she abandoned me. I can't abandon myself. So I hope you truly love yourself, GC because you deserve to be happy and loved, even if it's yourself doing the loving. I am very sorry about your situation -- I hope all of us here can help you in some way to overcome this bad experience and hopefully see you being the best version of yourself you can be.

February 29, 2016

For me, my move isn't about killing all hope because deep down I do hope EL (my ex) contacts me one day.... It's memories like this that I love dearly but they are also triggers because I pass by that park everyday and it reminds me EVERYDAY. There are so many instances like this one and it's pure torture for me. Of course, that isn't the only reason I am moving.

If it's any reassurance, the torture of the proximity and the memories does lessen eventually. I felt for a long time like it would never let up, but it finally started to over the past 6 or so months. Maybe it would have taken less time had I moved right after the breakup, but then, maybe I'd have avoided a whole lot of feelings in this whole mess that I NEEDED to work through. In your case, when you're clear that it's not only the breakup that is spurring you to move, then it's also clear that moving is probably the right thing to do.

What's your timeline for your move, ideally?

GC, if you're not emotionally available right now that is completely understandable. When someone hurts you so much and it's more intense because you literally fell completely in love with this person -- it does something to you that scars. Everyone is different with the healing process and sometimes the scabs reopen -- could be accidentally or intentionally but either way it takes time and if we rush the healing it takes longer. I am sure after your relationship ended and depending on how it ended, then you are probably skeptical about new guys who come into the picture. It's difficult to commit yourself into a new, fresh relationship when you're healing and part of you still longs for your ex. And I don't mean you, I just mean in general.

Yes. I am very skeptical and I feel I'm less "nice" than I used to be, before this breakup. I expect less from people and while I don't think I'm a full-on pessimist, I feel much more guarded about to whom I give my time, my story, my care, my truth. I used to feel like I needed to prove to everyone that I was worth their time; now I feel like I'm just not interested in anyone unless something sparks my interest...and very little is sparking my interest these days. Not just romantically, but across the board. I'm just sick of giving myself to people who don't reciprocate. I feel like I want proof that a person is even remotely worth my lifting a finger for.

I will not be dating for a long time, if at all. I am more or less focused on being content with myself and being alone. I also want to try love myself because I know no one else can truly give me that love I long for. I do believe my ex-girlfriend loved me, but she abandoned me. I can't abandon myself. So I hope you truly love yourself, GC because you deserve to be happy and loved, even if it's yourself doing the loving. I am very sorry about your situation -- I hope all of us here can help you in some way to overcome this bad experience and hopefully see you being the best version of yourself you can be.

That sounds very wise, Apparition. And I hope the same for you.

March 1, 2016

Wonder if anyone can relate to this....

I spoke to one of my closest friends who had just returned from a 7-month trip overseas, during which time we only exchanged a few brief emails. She asked how I was doing and I told her, "Much better. It's still difficult, but I pulled through the worst of it and while things aren't where I want them to be, I feel like I'm re-empowered and can make the changes I need to to get where I want to go."

It was the truth. But one thing I'm feeling lately is surprise. It looks like this: when K and I broke up, people close to me as well as not so close told me K was inferior to me all along and I could do better. Even his own mom at one point said pretty much that very thing. I hate to admit that at times, when I really was frustrated with his behavior, I myself felt the same thing. Which is why I was unprepared for how much this breakup would end up hurting me, and for how long...and now, I feel surprise that instead of everything falling into place and feeling EASIER after we broke up, things have been very, very hard. Even though I'm much more back to my normal self, with the added benefit of some breakthroughs across months and months of therapy that have made me feel more empowered perhaps than I ever have, I can't say that things are "much better." I have read on here and heard from others who have gone through breakups that after the fog lifted on the grief and missing the person, it all made sense and they felt much better and their lives got much better.

But I don't feel that way. And I know some might slam me for focusing or musing one iota on this, but it doesn't seem like K had nearly as hard a time with our breakup as I have had. Of course I don't really know what is going on with him; all I know is that given the callousness and abruptness of how he broke up with me, and the pressure his mom put on him at least during most of the first year of being broken up (she made her disapproval of his behavior clearly known to him until, she told me a year out, it created such a rift between them that they had to agree not to speak about me with each other), and this gut feeling that indeed I was important to him (I believe that he did love me, as imperfect as that love was, even up to the end), I was SURE he'd contact me, and he hasn't. So from the albeit limited viewpoint I have, I can only surmise that he wasn't so affected by this breakup.

And there's this part of me that thinks, well, this wasn't how it was supposed to go. I was the one who was the prize; everyone said so; and yet I ended up being the one who has been more hurt. I was the one who had more of her sh*t together all throughout the relationship, and yet I seem to be the one who is struggling more to gain forward momentum. I know there's no firm measure; I know the comparisons don't matter; and yet, this is where my mind goes.

The last time I saw his mom, in early December, she told me she has said to K that she adamantly does NOT want to meet anyone he dates going forward, "unless he is really serious about her." Implying, therefore, that he was NOT serious about me. I found that so hurtful that it was the grist I finally needed to end my liaison with her. I know she didn't mean to hurt me, and as my close friend pointed out today when I caught her up on my coping, etc., K's mom has the best of intentions but sometimes isn't careful with what comes out of her mouth. I don't think she realized that in saying that, she left me with the idea that K was never serious about me, and it made me feel like some passing piece of meat through their lives. It just felt so insulting, and I felt like I could finally cut her off because my self-protective instincts finally kicked in and I thought, "You know, I deserve so much better than this. When I come into someone's life in a meaningful way, it is serious. You take notice." I remembered how during the relationship K's mom said to me, "You came into our lives for a reason," and the implication given the context was that it was SPECIAL to have me in their lives. K had told me, and I felt, that I and his college girlfriend were the only two of his girlfriends that he really loved. It hurt me no end that his mom was willing to go with the story that, "Oh, this got all f***ed up because my son wasn't serious about her," rather than the story all evidence points to as the truth, that, "K really screwed up a good thing, and it points to some issues within him much more than how he felt about GreenCove."

Please don't slam me for coming on here and admitting that this all runs through my mind of late. This isn't the only thought or feeling I'm having, just one I recognize as problematic as I continue to crawl out of the whole mess, and if anyone can share similar feelings or a different perspective, it would be an insight gain for me.

It's just the story I guess we tell ourselves (I've seen it on here, too), when we feel we've been wronged or rid ourselves of someone who wasn't ultimately good for us: is that we're better off, that things finally can be better, that we will emerge the "winner" and that a person who acted like X person did won't get very far. I feel like I keep waiting for that story to apply to me, where I can say, "Yes, this happened, but then X and Y and Z things happened after that that were so much better than anything could ever have been with K." It's not like I'm not putting in the effort to bring forth this reality, but instead I feel like my story would read like this: "I went through something really bad and hurtful, and in the process of dealing with that I realized that it was just the tip of the iceberg of evidence of a whole host of issues within myself, that I have to address before I can ever have hope of the kind of happiness I seek."

Meanwhile, it just seems like K has moved on and is happier. Partly because I think from his perspective, given all I saw with him while we dated, he got rid of something he didn't want (commitment, responsibility, accountability, expectations placed on him), while I lost something I really, deeply wanted. And it seems like his stuck-ness while we dated was due to his not really wanting what was on his plate even though he claimed to want it, and so only now is he making good on his intentions to live on his family ranch (or so the bits and pieces of evidence I have point) and live where he said he always wanted to live, while I struggle to make sense of SO MANY things.

I thought the cosmic victory would be mine. Childish, but it's what I thought, and I'm confused emotionally that it is not this way. Again, please don't slam me for all this because it's hard enough to admit even to myself that I feel this way, let alone on a forum:sick:. I guess I'm hoping that if I admit it here, then someone might share some insight that affects my thinking in a positive way.

Edited March 1, 2016 by GreenCove

March 1, 2016

I think you are tying your self worth too closely to how serious K was with you or how serious his mom perceived him to be. I can promise that none of that is a reflection on you. Do you feel that if K was really serious about you that it would somehow validate your grief? That it would validate your self worth? Maybe he was serious about you at one time, and his feelings changed. Maybe he was always blasé about it. Maybe it's hard to tell because we tend to rewrite history as time goes by. The bottom line is that we don't know for sure, and it doesn't matter anyway. Don't judge yourself for that.

With regards to him being inferior to you, love isn't logical. It's not a mathematical equation. Several people told me I was too pretty for my ex. That I needed to find someone younger and not so socially awkward. But love doesn't work like that does it? It doesn't care if you are equals in terms of intellect, accomplishments, finances, looks, ect. Because a lot of that is subjective anyway, and people value different things. So trying to convince yourself that it's his loss and that you should be glad to off load that baggage. . . . It just doesn't work when you love(d) a person. Love is an equalizer if it's mutual.

March 1, 2016

Thanks, BC1980. You raised two areas where I am still trying to sift through my perceptions.

I think you are tying your self worth too closely to how serious K was with you or how serious his mom perceived him to be. I can promise that none of that is a reflection on you. Do you feel that if K was really serious about you that it would somehow validate your grief? That it would validate your self worth? Maybe he was serious about you at one time, and his feelings changed. Maybe he was always blasé about it. Maybe it's hard to tell because we tend to rewrite history as time goes by. The bottom line is that we don't know for sure, and it doesn't matter anyway. Don't judge yourself for that.

At one time, I definitely took it all as a statement of my worth. Not anymore, really. It's more that it FELT like it was serious. If I'd had any notion at any point that he was not serious about his feelings for me, I'd have walked. If his feelings changed anywhere in the relationship, his story never changed. The story was that the things he WASN'T giving me were due to how lost and stuck he felt in his own life, with his own self, and had nothing to do with how he really felt about me. Hence, because I loved him and wanted HIM, I held on even though I was increasingly frustrated at his behavior and inaction in all areas of his life, because I believed deep down that it had nothing whatsoever to do with me, and that beneath the problems he was having, he truly loved me. This was why I had that story or expectation in my head that after we broke up, as he "focused on himself" as he said he was going to do, and straightened some things out in himself, part of that process would be reaching out to me because if he loved me, that was what would make sense, no?

When his mom said that thing to me about in the future only wanting to meet someone he was dating if he "was really serious about her," I didn't feel invalidated in terms of my overall WORTH, but more in my perceptions. I felt that this was serious all throughout the relationship. So for that to be her "in summation" story, it made me look back over the 3.5 years of our relationship and feel utterly invalidated in my perceptions. Yes, while I perceived K was "serious" about us, I also perceived a lot of problems that I chose to attribute to things in HIM that wouldn't get in the way of things progressing with US. And I guess THAT'S where my perceptions went askew. But then that's where this second part of your response strikes me:

With regards to him being inferior to you, love isn't logical. It's not a mathematical equation. Several people told me I was too pretty for my ex. That I needed to find someone younger and not so socially awkward. But love doesn't work like that does it? It doesn't care if you are equals in terms of intellect, accomplishments, finances, looks, ect. Because a lot of that is subjective anyway, and people value different things. So trying to convince yourself that it's his loss and that you should be glad to off load that baggage. . . . It just doesn't work when you love(d) a person. Love is an equalizer if it's mutual.

That's so true, and that's the thing. Because I loved K, and wanted K, I wonder looking back how I ever could have had the clarity to walk when his behavior showed that he and I maybe weren't in the same place mentally where this relationship was concerned. I mean how he always picked fights with me around drawing closer or progressing our relationship. It was constant, subtle sabotage that he'd then flip around and blame everything on me. I don't know why I put up with it, except that I loved him and maybe didn't love myself enough.

I guess I'm just trying to understand how I got to this place, because obviously I never want to be here again. I want to do everything I can to ensure that I recognize certain flags and pitfalls earlier.

Hope at least some of this made sense.

March 1, 2016

If it's any reassurance, the torture of the proximity and the memories does lessen eventually. I felt for a long time like it would never let up, but it finally started to over the past 6 or so months. Maybe it would have taken less time had I moved right after the breakup, but then, maybe I'd have avoided a whole lot of feelings in this whole mess that I NEEDED to work through. In your case, when you're clear that it's not only the breakup that is spurring you to move, then it's also clear that moving is probably the right thing to do.

What's your timeline for your move, ideally?

Yes. I am very skeptical and I feel I'm less "nice" than I used to be, before this breakup. I expect less from people and while I don't think I'm a full-on pessimist, I feel much more guarded about to whom I give my time, my story, my care, my truth. I used to feel like I needed to prove to everyone that I was worth their time; now I feel like I'm just not interested in anyone unless something sparks my interest...and very little is sparking my interest these days. Not just romantically, but across the board. I'm just sick of giving myself to people who don't reciprocate. I feel like I want proof that a person is even remotely worth my lifting a finger for.

That sounds very wise, Apparition. And I hope the same for you.

I am looking to move after an exam I was suppose to take a few weeks back but cancelled due to all the drama going on in my life. It will be in a couple months -- there is an 8 week wait currently. I haven't been studying for it at all because my mind has obviously been on EL (my ex). I took some time to myself yesterday to study, though. I was trying to do "normal" yesterday and while I sat down at my desk to study a few papers in order to prepare for my exam all I could think about was her. I tried my best to study and for a few minutes I got to but it seemed like she was there in the back of my memory pushing through all the other thoughts I have to be in center stage.

GC, how did you cope with the first few days/weeks of your break-up from K? What did you do from your day-to-day life? How did you cope with the thoughts of K?

I understand what you mean -- I am definitely less nice than I was before. I am "broken" if that makes sense. The man I was before is gone. I don't answer the same, my thinking is different, the way I speak is different, my sense of humor has vanished, food no longer tastes the way it did before, alcohol has more appeal to it and overall the world I was in before seems to be different now -- I feel alien.

March 1, 2016

I am looking to move after an exam I was suppose to take a few weeks back but cancelled due to all the drama going on in my life. It will be in a couple months -- there is an 8 week wait currently. I haven't been studying for it at all because my mind has obviously been on EL (my ex). I took some time to myself yesterday to study, though. I was trying to do "normal" yesterday and while I sat down at my desk to study a few papers in order to prepare for my exam all I could think about was her. I tried my best to study and for a few minutes I got to but it seemed like she was there in the back of my memory pushing through all the other thoughts I have to be in center stage.

I remember how hard it was to concentrate on ANYTHING after my breakup, for a long time. I realized I was in no condition to plan next steps for my life, so I started climbing mountains, often two 14,000-ft. peaks per weekend, thinking that if I couldn't get my brain to work normally, at least I could continuously put one foot in front of the other and be rewarded with extraordinary scenery. I did lots of other physical stuff, hoping that eventually it would pull the mental back into some semblance of functioning, and it really gave me a great backdrop for my spiritual and emotional journey (and was a great body-builder, too!).

Maybe some vigorous exercise each day will help tire your brain from too many grief-stricken thoughts, and might help you concentrate better?

GC, how did you cope with the first few days/weeks of your break-up from K? What did you do from your day-to-day life? How did you cope with the thoughts of K?

Well, in the immediate aftermath I was so numb that I went on tons of hikes. I even met a guy on a hike to a natural hot spring; we were the only two people soaking in our underwear and we got to talking and did two more hikes together in the succeeding weeks before I realized I was in no condition to even THINK of dating. So there was a huge flurry of activity; I drove 8 hours to spend 3 days at a national park and just explored around in a kind of stupor. And then I was desperate at that point to find a year-round, full-time job otherwise I was going to have to leave where I was living, and I knew I was in far to great a mess to handle being FORCED to leave by circumstance. So I used all my crazed energy to job hunt. A well-connected acquaintance here arranged meeting with heads of all kinds of companies where I live, and I was just non-stop networking. Finally after several months and at the end of my rope, I found the job I'm currently in.

It was weird, because it took over a month for the real devastation to set in. And that sent me down into a pit that I'm STILL crawling out of. I was lucky in that I had a best friend to whom I could rant about K, and that helped with all the crazy, desperate, obsessive, tearful thoughts. It was perfect because we both were job-hunting together, and so there was equality in that we could support each other in that, while she was so, so, supportive of my anguish. I am fully convinced that had I not had a friend like her during that time, I might well have killed myself when the grief and shock really came crashing down.

I understand what you mean -- I am definitely less nice than I was before. I am "broken" if that makes sense. The man I was before is gone. I don't answer the same, my thinking is different, the way I speak is different, my sense of humor has vanished, food no longer tastes the way it did before, alcohol has more appeal to it and overall the world I was in before seems to be different now -- I feel alien.

I really feel you. It's hard. It has been quite a while for me, and a huge journey, and still I feel like I haven't gotten to the other side of what version of myself I ultimately will be after all this. But it's much better than it was; that's for sure. I keep telling myself with patience and honest self-reflection and honest striving towards one goal at a time, I will understand far more than I do now. So, patience. Lots and lots of patience. Time alone, and time with solid friends.

Hang in there.

March 1, 2016

I remember how hard it was to concentrate on ANYTHING after my breakup, for a long time. I realized I was in no condition to plan next steps for my life, so I started climbing mountains, often two 14,000-ft. peaks per weekend, thinking that if I couldn't get my brain to work normally, at least I could continuously put one foot in front of the other and be rewarded with extraordinary scenery. I did lots of other physical stuff, hoping that eventually it would pull the mental back into some semblance of functioning, and it really gave me a great backdrop for my spiritual and emotional journey (and was a great body-builder, too!).

Maybe some vigorous exercise each day will help tire your brain from too many grief-stricken thoughts, and might help you concentrate better?

Well, in the immediate aftermath I was so numb that I went on tons of hikes. I even met a guy on a hike to a natural hot spring; we were the only two people soaking in our underwear and we got to talking and did two more hikes together in the succeeding weeks before I realized I was in no condition to even THINK of dating. So there was a huge flurry of activity; I drove 8 hours to spend 3 days at a national park and just explored around in a kind of stupor. And then I was desperate at that point to find a year-round, full-time job otherwise I was going to have to leave where I was living, and I knew I was in far to great a mess to handle being FORCED to leave by circumstance. So I used all my crazed energy to job hunt. A well-connected acquaintance here arranged meeting with heads of all kinds of companies where I live, and I was just non-stop networking. Finally after several months and at the end of my rope, I found the job I'm currently in.

It was weird, because it took over a month for the real devastation to set in. And that sent me down into a pit that I'm STILL crawling out of. I was lucky in that I had a best friend to whom I could rant about K, and that helped with all the crazy, desperate, obsessive, tearful thoughts. It was perfect because we both were job-hunting together, and so there was equality in that we could support each other in that, while she was so, so, supportive of my anguish. I am fully convinced that had I not had a friend like her during that time, I might well have killed myself when the grief and shock really came crashing down.

I really feel you. It's hard. It has been quite a while for me, and a huge journey, and still I feel like I haven't gotten to the other side of what version of myself I ultimately will be after all this. But it's much better than it was; that's for sure. I keep telling myself with patience and honest self-reflection and honest striving towards one goal at a time, I will understand far more than I do now. So, patience. Lots and lots of patience. Time alone, and time with solid friends.

Hang in there.

GC, I am very glad you had your best friend by your side the whole step of the way. Unfortunately for me I do not have many friends around for support but perhaps that's because I'm a guy, no idea. I just don't have people texting me asking how I am coping and I know they won't want to hear me whine about my ex so I keep it to myself until I can vent on here. It doesn't help that I share mutual friends with her because I do not trust them enough to not say anything to her and it shouldn't be that way but sadly it is.

I think it would be great to go hiking and explore beautiful scenery but unfortunately I need to focus on moving or else I will never do so. I do exercise when I get the chance, though. I often go for a run or simply go to the gym or go back to my martial arts class and it does help for a few hours to relieve some of the stress but it doesn't help how I ultimately feel deep inside. The best I can hope for is to distract myself as much as possible. I've been packing things, painting, clearing out rooms -- I am probably going too fast but I want this house to look new as though I have never been here before. I know it won't make my memories with her disappear but at least I will be attempting to vanish the reminders that are in my face everyday.

GC, it sounds like what really helped you was your strength -- I admire the strength you had to get through your day even though you had such thoughts that made you think in such a manner. I have had the same thinking pattern but I try not to get sucked into it because I know once I do I probably won't come out of it for a long time. I also wanted to ask you if you ever broke NC and how did that go?

March 2, 2016

People are storytellers. For whatever evolutionary reason---perhaps because our advanced consciousness allows us a nuanced understanding of the past, present, and future---we're compelled to tell stories. We can't simply accept storms, shipwrecks and suffering; we need narratives to make sense of the insensible. From primal myths to Middlemarch, storytelling is a fundamental part of what it means to be human.

What I'm trying to say is it's totally normal to want to resolve your experience with K into a story that, like all the stories we learn as children, reaffirms your core beliefs. Good things happen to good people, bad people pay for it in the end, hard work is always rewarded, etc. We even think of the entirety of our lives as coherent stories, to be judged by the quality of the ending. You may be especially beholden to this need because of your passion as a writer. Like I said, it's normal. But it's not always good for us.

Things simply are, period. There is no morality or greater meaning beyond what we ascribe to arbitrary events. Yes, Worst Ex broke up with me in the cruelest and coldest way imaginable and it might have been nice if he suffered for it, but he didn't. From what I can tell he's living a good life now and he's probably a happy guy. I could be mad about that but I'm not. I can't influence his feelings any more than I can levitate a couch with my mind.

The funny thing is my life is so much better now. I just moved in this past weekend with my incredible boyfriend. We agreed we would be engaged by the end of October and are currently saving up for a house, ring and luxury vacation. After several recent professional disappointments, I'm making six figures and working towards a new career. I have more close friends now than I ever have before. Life is spectacular and amazing and I'm excited to turn 30 this year. By all accounts I got the "good" ending...

...but I'm still so damn anxious. I find I still cry sometimes for no reason, and I worry myself half to death for no good reason. I am still prone to occasional (albeit less frequent) episodes of depression. My life is better than ever before, and yet I still have moments when I feel utterly broken and alone because I never really "fixed" that part of myself that's hurt on and off my entire life. Part of me is so tired of this. When am I going to stop being sad? When am I finally going to stop sucking as a person and when will everything finally be perfect? and then I realize---holy crap! There is no ending, no magical point at which everything is awesome forever. There's no defined climax or resolution, just constant waves of up and down, and if I keep waiting around to stop hurting then my entire life will pass me by. The most I can do is make do with what I have, which right now is more than ever before. And I'm OK with it.

I think you should try to move beyond your need for a "cosmic victory", a reckoning with K, or some kind of elegant resolution to your time in your town. Think of your story less as a morality tale and more as Finnegan's Wake, an obscure and impenetrable collection of mystifying events that can't ever really be understood, just experienced. Go out there and live!

Fear I am not progressing well in coping, 2

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