Fear I am not progressing well in coping, 2

[BC1980]

Thanks, BC1980. You raised two areas where I am still trying to sift through my perceptions.

 

At one time, I definitely took it all as a statement of my worth. Not anymore, really. It's more that it FELT like it was serious. If I'd had any notion at any point that he was not serious about his feelings for me, I'd have walked. If his feelings changed anywhere in the relationship, his story never changed. The story was that the things he WASN'T giving me were due to how lost and stuck he felt in his own life, with his own self, and had nothing to do with how he really felt about me. Hence, because I loved him and wanted HIM, I held on even though I was increasingly frustrated at his behavior and inaction in all areas of his life, because I believed deep down that it had nothing whatsoever to do with me, and that beneath the problems he was having, he truly loved me. This was why I had that story or expectation in my head that after we broke up, as he "focused on himself" as he said he was going to do, and straightened some things out in himself, part of that process would be reaching out to me because if he loved me, that was what would make sense, no?

 

When his mom said that thing to me about in the future only wanting to meet someone he was dating if he "was really serious about her," I didn't feel invalidated in terms of my overall WORTH, but more in my perceptions. I felt that this was serious all throughout the relationship. So for that to be her "in summation" story, it made me look back over the 3.5 years of our relationship and feel utterly invalidated in my perceptions. Yes, while I perceived K was "serious" about us, I also perceived a lot of problems that I chose to attribute to things in HIM that wouldn't get in the way of things progressing with US. And I guess THAT'S where my perceptions went askew. But then that's where this second part of your response strikes me:

 

I think our stories are similar. I would have walked if I didn't think my ex was serious about marrying me. The really tragic/funny/sad part is that he gave me so many clues that he wasn't serious, but I chose to write my own version of our relationship. I really loved him. I've never loved or trusted someone to that degree. So I wanted to believe that his hesitation wasn't real. To be fair, he said and did plenty that led me to believe he was serious. But after awhile, how many times can a person say they are "not ready." How many times can you fall for that line? Apparently, the answer is: until they finally leave you.

 

After my breakup, my ex's sister made the comment that my ex was ambivalent about marrying me. No way, I thought. That couldn't be true. But as time went by, I realized it was true. I just didn't want to see it.

[Zapbasket]

GC, I am very glad you had your best friend by your side the whole step of the way. Unfortunately for me I do not have many friends around for support but perhaps that's because I'm a guy, no idea. I just don't have people texting me asking how I am coping and I know they won't want to hear me whine about my ex so I keep it to myself until I can vent on here.

 

You might come across to people in your social circle as someone who doesn't WANT to talk about your emotional life. People may not be asking how you are because they think by staying mum, they are respecting your wishes and privacy. Everyone processes emotions differently, but there's no "rule" for how either gender "should" process them. If you feel like you would like to get some of your pain off your chest, reach out to a close family member or friend. People who care about you will never see it as "whining." That's something you've projected to the outside.

 

There's a male coworker I'm friendly with who told me he's going through a rough time after a recent breakup brought him face to face with some old issues of his that he realized he can't put off dealing with. He's not having a good time right now and he told me he's reaching out to everyone he can for support. I think not bottling up your hurt and vulnerability is at least a quarter of the battle--and HOW one does that is up to that person. I found LS to be a great source of insight, solace, and tough love when I have needed it--a support group you can access from anywhere, whenever you need it.

 

It doesn't help that I share mutual friends with her because I do not trust them enough to not say anything to her and it shouldn't be that way but sadly it is.

 

If you can't trust them to have your back when it counts, then they're not really YOUR friends. Maybe part of moving forward for you is letting these mutual "friends" go. Especially if you feel you can't spend time with them or share details of your life with them without it possibly getting back to your ex.

 

I think it would be great to go hiking and explore beautiful scenery but unfortunately I need to focus on moving or else I will never do so. I do exercise when I get the chance, though. I often go for a run or simply go to the gym or go back to my martial arts class and it does help for a few hours to relieve some of the stress but it doesn't help how I ultimately feel deep inside. The best I can hope for is to distract myself as much as possible. I've been packing things, painting, clearing out rooms -- I am probably going too fast but I want this house to look new as though I have never been here before. I know it won't make my memories with her disappear but at least I will be attempting to vanish the reminders that are in my face everyday.

 

Given you know moving is the right next step for you, it makes sense to focus on that. Gains made toward that goal will probably be very restorative, even while the actual moving stirs up some sad feelings.

 

Distraction is great but do allow yourself to feel your grief. Just let it run through you so that you don't create a backlog of grief that will come bursting out at some future date, when it feels most inconvenient. Maybe this is where the confidence of a good friend or family member, as well as LS, can help.

 

GC, it sounds like what really helped you was your strength -- I admire the strength you had to get through your day even though you had such thoughts that made you think in such a manner. I have had the same thinking pattern but I try not to get sucked into it because I know once I do I probably won't come out of it for a long time.

 

Going through everything I've gone through not only since this breakup but since moving out west has given me a lot more respect and love for myself. I am a strong person, strong not just for dealing with the unsavory events of the past 5 or so years with my sense of humor and compassion intact, but also strong because I have been so very vulnerable, very openly and obviously so, and survived. I do feel I am "sadder but wiser," still working on securing the "wiser" bit ;-)

 

I also wanted to ask you if you ever broke NC and how did that go?

 

Well, some might say I never went full-boar NC because I kept up with K's mom and kept K on Facebook until HE unfriended ME. But no, I never directly broke NC with K. Believe me, I have wanted to so many times. But at the same time, my self-respect has put its foot down because for me to have reached out to him would just perpetuate the dynamic in our relationship that hurt so much--me doing most of the work, pulling for intimacy and him pushing me away. Whatever will be accomplished by reaching out to someone who doesn't want to talk to me? K had said clearly that he did not wish to have me in his life: "...the idea of any communication between us is daunting." I say, if someone tells you they don't want you in their life and don't want to talk to you or see you, give them exactly that.

 

It was very hard to accept that--and still is, though I've mitigated if not outright eliminated my inner battle with it by at least accepting that it is hard, which somehow makes it "easier," if that makes sense.

[Zapbasket]

People are storytellers. For whatever evolutionary reason---perhaps because our advanced consciousness allows us a nuanced understanding of the past, present, and future---we're compelled to tell stories. We can't simply accept storms, shipwrecks and suffering; we need narratives to make sense of the insensible. From primal myths to Middlemarch, storytelling is a fundamental part of what it means to be human.

 

What I'm trying to say is it's totally normal to want to resolve your experience with K into a story that, like all the stories we learn as children, reaffirms your core beliefs. Good things happen to good people, bad people pay for it in the end, hard work is always rewarded, etc. We even think of the entirety of our lives as coherent stories, to be judged by the quality of the ending. You may be especially beholden to this need because of your passion as a writer. Like I said, it's normal. But it's not always good for us.

 

Things simply are, period. There is no morality or greater meaning beyond what we ascribe to arbitrary events. Yes, Worst Ex broke up with me in the cruelest and coldest way imaginable and it might have been nice if he suffered for it, but he didn't. From what I can tell he's living a good life now and he's probably a happy guy. I could be mad about that but I'm not. I can't influence his feelings any more than I can levitate a couch with my mind.

 

The funny thing is my life is so much better now. I just moved in this past weekend with my incredible boyfriend. We agreed we would be engaged by the end of October and are currently saving up for a house, ring and luxury vacation. After several recent professional disappointments, I'm making six figures and working towards a new career. I have more close friends now than I ever have before. Life is spectacular and amazing and I'm excited to turn 30 this year. By all accounts I got the "good" ending...

 

...but I'm still so damn anxious. I find I still cry sometimes for no reason, and I worry myself half to death for no good reason. I am still prone to occasional (albeit less frequent) episodes of depression. My life is better than ever before, and yet I still have moments when I feel utterly broken and alone because I never really "fixed" that part of myself that's hurt on and off my entire life. Part of me is so tired of this. When am I going to stop being sad? When am I finally going to stop sucking as a person and when will everything finally be perfect? and then I realize---holy crap! There is no ending, no magical point at which everything is awesome forever. There's no defined climax or resolution, just constant waves of up and down, and if I keep waiting around to stop hurting then my entire life will pass me by. The most I can do is make do with what I have, which right now is more than ever before. And I'm OK with it.

 

I think you should try to move beyond your need for a "cosmic victory", a reckoning with K, or some kind of elegant resolution to your time in your town. Think of your story less as a morality tale and more as Finnegan's Wake, an obscure and impenetrable collection of mystifying events that can't ever really be understood, just experienced. Go out there and live!

 

Lala-banana, this is a beautiful post. Thanks so much. It bears re-reading a bunch more times but I wanted to respond sooner than later.

 

Yeah, I do need to develop more comfort with the fact that often events eschew being drawn together into a pat moral denouement. With K, for instance, I loved him and his family so much that it's hard to accept that it is...what it is. And you are so spot-on in pointing out that it's the writerly aspect of me that makes me feel driven to write a "better" ending, to say all the unsaid things, to somehow summon the great hand of karmic retribution to restore the universal "order" that I feel was disrupted by K's actions. It's admittedly VERY hard for me to manage to shake all that off.

 

I agree with you--well, I agree with everything you say here, actually--but I agree that things only have the "meanings" we ascribe to them. At the same time, in my experience, history has this uncanny way of repeating itself until we examine it and empower ourselves through our knowledge of the "meaning" behind events and the known consequences to choose and act differently. One thing that has just KILLED me in recent years is the fact that after my 2007 breakup, my reaction in part was to say, "F*ck this. I'm tired of examining it; I'm tired of looking at myself; my ex never examined emotions and such so why should i?" So, instead of continuing with therapy, I took up skiing and filled my weekends with traveling 4+ hours each way from the city to various ski resorts. My whole situational life right now is a consequence of that decision, to get out and MOVE (ski) versus pick apart why my relationship failed, and what in my history may have contributed to it, blah blah.

 

Then, because life can really have a sense of humor, my NOT trying to find the "meaning" of things back then led me to skiing which led me to this ski town which HAPPENS to be the very town where, for years as a teenager, I attended a summer program in a field I thought would be my lifelong career. Choosing to stop pursuing that field professionally years ago caused me a great deal of guilt and pain that I never really dealt with.

 

I think these ironic twists are what have propelled me into trying so hard to find meaning, to understand what happened between K and me. I don't want my life to be one long repetition of itself. I don't want to be trapped in a prison of my own stories. And yet, they're not just my stories, are they? Events seem to come attached to a story that you have to "find" and understand, and that understanding is the story on top of the story.

 

I so want to believe that events are just events, and we just go through strings of events, but it's hard not to see that often there are patterns. I have become afraid of the patterns.

 

As I said, your post bears re-reading many times. I want to say, too, that I'm really happy for you that things are going so well. I hope things continue that way indefinitely

[Zapbasket]

I think our stories are similar. I would have walked if I didn't think my ex was serious about marrying me. The really tragic/funny/sad part is that he gave me so many clues that he wasn't serious, but I chose to write my own version of our relationship. I really loved him. I've never loved or trusted someone to that degree. So I wanted to believe that his hesitation wasn't real. To be fair, he said and did plenty that led me to believe he was serious. But after awhile, how many times can a person say they are "not ready." How many times can you fall for that line? Apparently, the answer is: until they finally leave you.

 

After my breakup, my ex's sister made the comment that my ex was ambivalent about marrying me. No way, I thought. That couldn't be true. But as time went by, I realized it was true. I just didn't want to see it.

 

So true, especially the bolded.

 

Do you think if you met someone now to whom you really felt deeply attracted on all the important levels, you would be able to respond appropriately to red flags?

 

I think you and I know enough to not waste time with red flags like excessive drinking, or physical abuse, or obvious shiftlessness, but what about subtler red flags like ambivalence about commitment? For my part, I don't know. I think I'm going to have to test myself via dating--thing is, I just still don't feel like dating. I want to be on my own for a while longer.

[BC1980]

So true, especially the bolded.

 

Do you think if you met someone now to whom you really felt deeply attracted on all the important levels, you would be able to respond appropriately to red flags?

 

I think you and I know enough to not waste time with red flags like excessive drinking, or physical abuse, or obvious shiftlessness, but what about subtler red flags like ambivalence about commitment? For my part, I don't know. I think I'm going to have to test myself via dating--thing is, I just still don't feel like dating. I want to be on my own for a while longer.

 

I also don't know if I will act on the red flag of ambivalence. I will have to be tested at some point in the future. We've all know "that woman" who stayed too long when the guy wouldn't marry her. We could all see it plain as day. But you don't want to believe it when it happens to you. Part of that that is that I didn't WANT it to be true. The other part is that I really wanted to believe my ex. I filtered out all the times he showed me he was ambivalent. I only weighed the times he showed me commitment. And there are all kind of other factors that confound things. His son and family for instance. I'm sure you felt that way about K's family as well. Even when the idea of leaving came into my mind, it was difficult to think of actually leaving because of the connections I had to his son and family.

 

I think my ex liked/loved me enough to keep me around and would have done so indefinitely if I never wanted to get married. But he knew I wanted to make it official and be a family. He didn't want that with me. I guess he just led me to believe something different. He told me, time and time again, that he wanted to get married and adopt his son. He just never came through with the action. I remember asking him at one point, do you really want to get married? You said you did, you bought me a ring, but it's 6 months later, and you never proposed. He had very little to say. Just some BS about his son not being ready for us to get married, which is another story.

 

But I bring all of that back up because it shows how nuanced situations can be but also how simple many of them are. I was so in the middle of my situation that I couldn't see the bigger picture. I thought we were different in some way. So yeah, I don't know how I will respond if something like this happens again. I think the best thing would be to jump ship quickly before I get too involved with someone else. Because the longer you stay, the harder if gets, and the more excuses you come up with.

[Apparition]

You might come across to people in your social circle as someone who doesn't WANT to talk about your emotional life. People may not be asking how you are because they think by staying mum, they are respecting your wishes and privacy. Everyone processes emotions differently, but there's no "rule" for how either gender "should" process them. If you feel like you would like to get some of your pain off your chest, reach out to a close family member or friend. People who care about you will never see it as "whining." That's something you've projected to the outside.

 

There's a male coworker I'm friendly with who told me he's going through a rough time after a recent breakup brought him face to face with some old issues of his that he realized he can't put off dealing with. He's not having a good time right now and he told me he's reaching out to everyone he can for support. I think not bottling up your hurt and vulnerability is at least a quarter of the battle--and HOW one does that is up to that person. I found LS to be a great source of insight, solace, and tough love when I have needed it--a support group you can access from anywhere, whenever you need it.

 

 

 

If you can't trust them to have your back when it counts, then they're not really YOUR friends. Maybe part of moving forward for you is letting these mutual "friends" go. Especially if you feel you can't spend time with them or share details of your life with them without it possibly getting back to your ex.

 

 

 

Given you know moving is the right next step for you, it makes sense to focus on that. Gains made toward that goal will probably be very restorative, even while the actual moving stirs up some sad feelings.

 

Distraction is great but do allow yourself to feel your grief. Just let it run through you so that you don't create a backlog of grief that will come bursting out at some future date, when it feels most inconvenient. Maybe this is where the confidence of a good friend or family member, as well as LS, can help.

 

 

 

Going through everything I've gone through not only since this breakup but since moving out west has given me a lot more respect and love for myself. I am a strong person, strong not just for dealing with the unsavory events of the past 5 or so years with my sense of humor and compassion intact, but also strong because I have been so very vulnerable, very openly and obviously so, and survived. I do feel I am "sadder but wiser," still working on securing the "wiser" bit ;-)

 

 

 

Well, some might say I never went full-boar NC because I kept up with K's mom and kept K on Facebook until HE unfriended ME. But no, I never directly broke NC with K. Believe me, I have wanted to so many times. But at the same time, my self-respect has put its foot down because for me to have reached out to him would just perpetuate the dynamic in our relationship that hurt so much--me doing most of the work, pulling for intimacy and him pushing me away. Whatever will be accomplished by reaching out to someone who doesn't want to talk to me? K had said clearly that he did not wish to have me in his life: "...the idea of any communication between us is daunting." I say, if someone tells you they don't want you in their life and don't want to talk to you or see you, give them exactly that.

 

It was very hard to accept that--and still is, though I've mitigated if not outright eliminated my inner battle with it by at least accepting that it is hard, which somehow makes it "easier," if that makes sense.

 

 

GC, you're probably right about the friends part. I have already lost a couple friends after the break-up and I'm still skeptical on who is true and who isn't. I probably need to surround myself with new faces but right now I don't even care about that. I just care about moving and getting away from this crap town. I've been purposely avoiding going out at certain times like to the store or cycling around the loch because I am afraid I'll see her there. I don't know how I will feel if I see her. Where there ever instances like that for you? How did you react?

 

I am very sorry about your male co-worker but you sound like a great friend to have in life. I am sure you will be a wonderful help to him given what you've been through. I hope your friend feels better with your support and guidance. I also hope you stick around on LS so we can see the end result to where you are completely happy and feel whole within yourself.

[Zapbasket]

I also don't know if I will act on the red flag of ambivalence. I will have to be tested at some point in the future. We've all know "that woman" who stayed too long when the guy wouldn't marry her. We could all see it plain as day. But you don't want to believe it when it happens to you. Part of that that is that I didn't WANT it to be true. The other part is that I really wanted to believe my ex. I filtered out all the times he showed me he was ambivalent. I only weighed the times he showed me commitment. And there are all kind of other factors that confound things. His son and family for instance. I'm sure you felt that way about K's family as well. Even when the idea of leaving came into my mind, it was difficult to think of actually leaving because of the connections I had to his son and family.

 

YES to everything you've said here. I remember two Christmases in a row where in the weeks preceding I felt, "I MUST end this," but then I'd lose my nerve as Christmas day drew near, and then would have this amazing Christmas with him and his family that would kill the feelings that I should end the relationship.

 

I also realize that I ignored his signs of or overt ambivalence about a future with me or even being with me in the present because of my own confidence that I AM that special woman that a guy would want to hang on to. "How could he NOT love me?" I'd think. It was not even really conscious. Funny how that confident conviction of my own worth didn't lead to a conclusion of, "I deserve to be treated with more respect and care than K is treating me." Or, I did draw that conclusion, but then I didn't act on it--and I don't understand why, since otherwise I seemed to have a healthy mindset. Do you relate to this?

 

I think my ex liked/loved me enough to keep me around and would have done so indefinitely if I never wanted to get married. But he knew I wanted to make it official and be a family. He didn't want that with me. I guess he just led me to believe something different. He told me, time and time again, that he wanted to get married and adopt his son. He just never came through with the action. I remember asking him at one point, do you really want to get married? You said you did, you bought me a ring, but it's 6 months later, and you never proposed. He had very little to say. Just some BS about his son not being ready for us to get married, which is another story.

 

Our situations were so similar. I wish we'd "met" while we were still in our relationships so we could have compared notes in medias res. I also felt, and my mother felt, too, that K and I would still be together if I'd not put the whole marriage expectation on the table. Sometimes I wonder if I did the wrong thing by insisting we discuss our future and insisting, after over two years, on some kind of overt commitment toward a future together from him. I mean, I don't understand why our exes would have wanted to stay with us if we hadn't said anything about wanting marriage or a plan for the future. I never felt that K was looking to keep his options open; after all, what could possibly more hinder options than to keep dating a woman you know you don't want? Just don't get it. And my motivation to try to understand is so that if it happens to me again, I'm better clued in as to what's going on and can extricate myself, or prior to that, confront more productively and incisively. Also like your ex, K asked my mom for permission to ask to marry me in January of 2013, and my mom pulled him aside and asked him what was going on when it was August 2013 and he had never done anything. And that was when he said he loved me but just "couldn't take any responsibility" because he was so "lost and confused, a spinning compass...." I still see those statements as both the truth and utter BS, all at once.

 

Maybe could we not leave because the whole thing was so confusing? Or was it much less confusing than we made it out to be?

 

I've imagined how I'd have felt if I'd ended the relationship in the first few months, as I'd considered doing because I didn't like his attitude and dismissal of my feelings and his penchant for teasing me in ways that seemed more like undercutting than playfulness. I think I'd have felt very confused as to whether I'd done the right thing. I think I felt compelled, by some kind of confusion or other, to take a "wait and see" approach, which of course led to a devastating result. Maybe things transpiring as they did was what I needed to start addressing things about myself that needed addressing. Surely, however, life lessons needn't be so costly....

 

But I bring all of that back up because it shows how nuanced situations can be but also how simple many of them are. I was so in the middle of my situation that I couldn't see the bigger picture. I thought we were different in some way. So yeah, I don't know how I will respond if something like this happens again. I think the best thing would be to jump ship quickly before I get too involved with someone else. Because the longer you stay, the harder if gets, and the more excuses you come up with.

 

What will you look for that would tell you NOT to jump ship, and vice versa?

[Zapbasket]

GC, you're probably right about the friends part. I have already lost a couple friends after the break-up and I'm still skeptical on who is true and who isn't. I probably need to surround myself with new faces but right now I don't even care about that. I just care about moving and getting away from this crap town. I've been purposely avoiding going out at certain times like to the store or cycling around the loch because I am afraid I'll see her there. I don't know how I will feel if I see her. Where there ever instances like that for you? How did you react?

 

I never have run into K directly, but I've seen his truck around and we've passed one another on roads, etc. It has sucked every time. Just a bunch of hurt I didn't need. I have feared running into him at certain events, and in fact this past summer I walked 7 miles to a fair after pulling a muscle in my back, and walking on flat was the only exercise I could manage. I was sweaty and my back hurt and I didn't have cash to buy a snack and there was no water fountain, so I wasn't feeling my finest and then there he was, chilling with drink in hand and in the company of two guys. I was alone. I quickly made my exit and I am sure he did not see me. It made me feel like crap.

 

I am very sorry about your male co-worker but you sound like a great friend to have in life. I am sure you will be a wonderful help to him given what you've been through. I hope your friend feels better with your support and guidance. I also hope you stick around on LS so we can see the end result to where you are completely happy and feel whole within yourself.

 

I hope we all stick around on here so that we can share with one another our new chapter and new relationships as they unfold. Rooting for all of us to find our way to something better than this time around.

[Apparition]

I never have run into K directly, but I've seen his truck around and we've passed one another on roads, etc. It has sucked every time. Just a bunch of hurt I didn't need. I have feared running into him at certain events, and in fact this past summer I walked 7 miles to a fair after pulling a muscle in my back, and walking on flat was the only exercise I could manage. I was sweaty and my back hurt and I didn't have cash to buy a snack and there was no water fountain, so I wasn't feeling my finest and then there he was, chilling with drink in hand and in the company of two guys. I was alone. I quickly made my exit and I am sure he did not see me. It made me feel like crap.

 

 

 

I hope we all stick around on here so that we can share with one another our new chapter and new relationships as they unfold. Rooting for all of us to find our way to something better than this time around.

 

 

I am guessing you and K live in the same town? Closely?

 

Do you think perhaps if K saw you you would have said anything or even if he said anything, would you have responded? It's weird to think of what we would do in those situations. It could have been worse, though, he could have been in the company of a female instead of two guy's, so even though you weren't at your finest at least it wasn't all bad. You've probably mentioned it before but how long were you and K together?

[BC1980]

Our situations were so similar. I wish we'd "met" while we were still in our relationships so we could have compared notes in medias res. I also felt, and my mother felt, too, that K and I would still be together if I'd not put the whole marriage expectation on the table. Sometimes I wonder if I did the wrong thing by insisting we discuss our future and insisting, after over two years, on some kind of overt commitment toward a future together from him. I mean, I don't understand why our exes would have wanted to stay with us if we hadn't said anything about wanting marriage or a plan for the future. I never felt that K was looking to keep his options open; after all, what could possibly more hinder options than to keep dating a woman you know you don't want? Just don't get it. And my motivation to try to understand is so that if it happens to me again, I'm better clued in as to what's going on and can extricate myself, or prior to that, confront more productively and incisively. Also like your ex, K asked my mom for permission to ask to marry me in January of 2013, and my mom pulled him aside and asked him what was going on when it was August 2013 and he had never done anything. And that was when he said he loved me but just "couldn't take any responsibility" because he was so "lost and confused, a spinning compass...." I still see those statements as both the truth and utter BS, all at once.

 

Maybe could we not leave because the whole thing was so confusing? Or was it much less confusing than we made it out to be?

 

My sister told me something that made sense. She said that whatever my ex needed at one time, I filled up that hole. I fit into that need, but that's all it was. Once things started to get to the point that I expected more of a commitment, I didn't feel that need in the same way. I think there are probably several reasons that our exes waited to end it. For my ex, he was a good bit older than me, and he told me on numerous occasions that he didn't think he would ever get married again because it gets harder to find someone the older you get. He also felt his son was baggage in his attempts to date. He had dated several people casually in the 5 years preceding our relationship, and nothing ever worked it. He had kind of given up hope when he met me. So I think he was just scared that he might never find anyone else, so he might as well settle with me because that would be better than nothing right?

 

I also think he didn't want to be the bad guy. I think he knew he wanted to end it for a long time. Maybe several months, but he kept putting it off. I think he ended it when he did because it was a do or die moment. We were scheduled for pre-marriage counseling at our church the next day, and he ended it the night before. He literally waited until he couldn't wait anymore. There was no where else to go, and he knew he couldn't go forward anymore. It's so odd because he was the one who arranged this pre-marriage counseling and acted excited about it. Just bizarre. But back to the bad guy thing, I think he wanted me to break up with him, so he wouldn't have to carry the guilt of disappointing everyone. I had done a lot for him and his son, and maybe he felt he owed me in some way. Maybe he felt like a completely piece of trash for letting it get this far and misleading me.

 

I also wonder if I served the purpose of being the first woman he dated seriously after his wife died. Like I was the pilot study. Maybe I helped him become emotionally available again. I read that that happening in one of Natalie Lue's books, and I noticed similarities. Someone who has been through a trauma and isn't ready to have a relationship. But you get in an unavailable relationship with them, and you help them become available for the next person. Especially with his son. All the bumps we encountered were new. His wife's friend (also my friend) told me he did want to marry me, and he regretted a lot of things. She said that when he met his wife, he took advantage of the opportunity at the time. Now, all of that could be complete BS, but maybe there is some truth in it.

 

Suffice to say, the reasons don't matter that much anymore, but it's hard to leave. It really is. You just keep hoping things will change.

[Zapbasket]

I am guessing you and K live in the same town? Closely?

 

Less than a mile down the road from each other. His front door window is up above his family's garage, facing out onto the two-lane highway down which I drive nearly every day to get to errands, social gatherings, etc. I can see when his lights are on and it's impossible not to look because it's so...Right There. The only grocery store in town is directly between where we both live, so I have seen his truck there a bunch and I don't go in if he's there.

 

Do you think perhaps if K saw you you would have said anything or even if he said anything, would you have responded? It's weird to think of what we would do in those situations. It could have been worse, though, he could have been in the company of a female instead of two guy's, so even though you weren't at your finest at least it wasn't all bad. You've probably mentioned it before but how long were you and K together?

 

We were together from February of 2010 to end of August, 2013. I've accepted that I'm still too emotional about the whole thing to handle just seeing him and being all, "Hi, how's it going?" For one because I feel strongly that things were left in such a way that such a casual greet feels impossible. So if I see him, I probably will try to make a quick exit, preferably unseen. As I have done, if I think he will be somewhere, I won't go there. It's not as hard as I thought it would be because it seems he's spending more and more time in the town 3 hours away where his family ranch is. What is hard is accepting that this is the way it all is. That continues to be hard.

 

I know you said you're in a similar boat at least in terms of sightings, as well as memories. But it sounds like that's not the only reason you're moving? Sounds like you don't really like where you were living in the first place (thinking back to somewhere where you called it a "crap town").

 

Hope you're doing okay today, LS friend.

[BC1980]

Less than a mile down the road from each other. His front door window is up above his family's garage, facing out onto the two-lane highway down which I drive nearly every day to get to errands, social gatherings, etc. I can see when his lights are on and it's impossible not to look because it's so...Right There. The only grocery store in town is directly between where we both live, so I have seen his truck there a bunch and I don't go in if he's there.

 

We were together from February of 2010 to end of August, 2013. I've accepted that I'm still too emotional about the whole thing to handle just seeing him and being all, "Hi, how's it going?" For one because I feel strongly that things were left in such a way that such a casual greet feels impossible. So if I see him, I probably will try to make a quick exit, preferably unseen. As I have done, if I think he will be somewhere, I won't go there. It's not as hard as I thought it would be because it seems he's spending more and more time in the town 3 hours away where his family ranch is. What is hard is accepting that this is the way it all is. That continues to be hard.

 

I know you said you're in a similar boat at least in terms of sightings, as well as memories. But it sounds like that's not the only reason you're moving? Sounds like you don't really like where you were living in the first place (thinking back to somewhere where you called it a "crap town").

 

Hope you're doing okay today, LS friend.

 

That's tough. I can't imagine having to drive by my ex's house everyday. Do you associate where you live almost solely with your ex? I can relate to it being in your face all the time since I associate my workplace so heavily with my ex. Things got better as time went on, and I started to make new associations and memories. But I struggled with it for a long time. I just felt like I was in prison at one point. I wanted to stay at my workplace to get vested in the retirement system, so I was basically stuck until that point in time. It might be good for you to move and start fresh, but that is a big step.

[Apparition]

Less than a mile down the road from each other. His front door window is up above his family's garage, facing out onto the two-lane highway down which I drive nearly every day to get to errands, social gatherings, etc. I can see when his lights are on and it's impossible not to look because it's so...Right There. The only grocery store in town is directly between where we both live, so I have seen his truck there a bunch and I don't go in if he's there.

 

 

 

We were together from February of 2010 to end of August, 2013. I've accepted that I'm still too emotional about the whole thing to handle just seeing him and being all, "Hi, how's it going?" For one because I feel strongly that things were left in such a way that such a casual greet feels impossible. So if I see him, I probably will try to make a quick exit, preferably unseen. As I have done, if I think he will be somewhere, I won't go there. It's not as hard as I thought it would be because it seems he's spending more and more time in the town 3 hours away where his family ranch is. What is hard is accepting that this is the way it all is. That continues to be hard.

 

I know you said you're in a similar boat at least in terms of sightings, as well as memories. But it sounds like that's not the only reason you're moving? Sounds like you don't really like where you were living in the first place (thinking back to somewhere where you called it a "crap town").

 

Hope you're doing okay today, LS friend.

 

 

GC, it sounds like you have a great resolve. It's good you would rather exit unseen where as most people would probably get too curious and start torturing themselves due to the curiosity. I also find it pretty amazing you can pass by his home almost daily, be in such close proximity and yet still hold it together. I am sure it's not like that always, at least not inside but you've done heck of a job so far. Have you been with anyone else since K or even tried? If so, what was that like for you?

 

Well, my ex is the main reason I am moving. I do have other reasons -- my only reason for staying in this town was because my ex-girlfriend was here and she was the only thing keeping me happy in this town. She made it fun for me. I've grew up in this town and never been anywhere else except here my whole life so I am at the point of being fed up and time for a change. Not only that but I have horrible memories here from my childhood and teenage years. Though, the positive side to staying here was that I made happy, positive memories here with my ex that overlooked the bad memories I had. But now that she's gone there's really no point in me staying here. My job was getting beyond a joke, I've had enough. My ex leaving me was the icing on the cake for me.

 

I'm trying my best to stay positive, stay healthy and somewhat look normal. My sleeping routine is awful -- I've had four hours in total over the past three nights. Planning, functioning and trying to get my life back together is a bit more of a struggle than I thought it would be, especially since my batteries aren't being recharged so I can prepare properly for the next day. Needless to say, I'm in limbo.

 

How's your day?

[Zapbasket]

That's tough. I can't imagine having to drive by my ex's house everyday. Do you associate where you live almost solely with your ex?

 

In the first year after our breakup, very much so, because he and his family were my only real connections here. It felt like I'd moved here all over again. I felt like a nobody, invisible, and struggling with this loss with no one here to confide in was so profoundly lonely and difficult that that left its own set of scars, separate from the actual breakup itself.

 

Now, do I associate this place almost solely with K? No, because I managed to make this place mine through the things I've been involved in over the past several years. I just never stopped trying, and it paid off in the sense that I made this place home by discovering that things didn't work out for me in so many ways since moving here, yet I wasn't a "victim" because I CHOOSE to be here, because I DO love the mountains and they suit me as well or better than the cities I've lived in (NYC, Chicago) ever did. That empowered me to lay claim to my own ties here.

 

But the whole thing with K colors my every day here. It's always in the back of my consciousness. And when I'm alone, I do think about K a lot. Lately I've found myself really missing him, and feeling such sorrow that things were left this way.

 

And I really see how much it's still with me as I consider my next steps, which quite possibly will include moving from here before the end of this calendar year. In my most honest assessment, I know that whatever decision I make will be influenced by these residual feelings, wishes, regrets, and that little wedge of hope that won't die even while rationally it is already "dead." (I put that in quotations because, as we know, hope isn't rational.)

 

I can relate to it being in your face all the time since I associate my workplace so heavily with my ex. Things got better as time went on, and I started to make new associations and memories. But I struggled with it for a long time. I just felt like I was in prison at one point. I wanted to stay at my workplace to get vested in the retirement system, so I was basically stuck until that point in time. It might be good for you to move and start fresh, but that is a big step.

 

Now that the worst is over, do you feel glad you stuck it out? Not just for the retirement benefits, but for your overall well-being beyond the immediate aftermath of the breakup?

 

For what it's worth, I have thought you were really courageous to stick it out and endure having to see him and him trying to make like all was cool between you.

Edited March 4, 2016 by GreenCove

[Zapbasket]

Well, it seems it's truly Go Time in GreenCoveLand. I realized in the past week or so that I absolutely canNOT do another winter in my current job. I have outgrown it and it cannot give me anything more, save for the security of a full-time, year-round job with good health insurance benefits. That's no small thing, and so I am going to hang on to this job until at most the start of the next winter season (so, around Thanksgiving of 2016). At that point, I can shift into another, seasonal position with my company to tide me over until April of 2017. This gives me a good chunk of time to find a new job and, if need be, to move from this town. Move to where, or for what, I have no idea.

 

It's a strange feeling, to see the possible end of my time here, or my time here as I know it. I do feel ready for a change, something to support the internal changes I have made over the past couple of years. I wish I could go into all the details of what I'm considering and what is going on, but it's impossible to write all that out. So this is just some pieces and parts.

 

It IS weird to think of not living here anymore, or staying here but moving on to something entirely different. It's weird to think back over my time here and think about the whole thing with K, and that impossible aggregate of feelings:

 

1) I know we had something and the love was real and there was a bond.

2) I know he was not right for me the way he was and the relationship needed to end.

3) I know I should never have accepted a relationship with him on the terms he was offering / was capable of offering.

4) I know it's likely we will never again have any contact.

5) There still is this stubborn hope that he'll surprise me and reach out one day.

6) I still have this sense of unfinished business that makes leaving here seem premature, because it forces an End by closing that door of proximity--not just physical proximity in our living down the road from each other, but the cultural proximity of our both living in the mountains and the strange and unique way that culture works, that brings people "close" who are not, in fact, really "close."

7) The thing he has, of being able to build up one of the old houses on his family ranch to be his own house, is something I would love to have for myself. This dream of his is my dream, too. Not my only dream, and as I did not grow up on a ranch on hundreds of thousands of acres that had been in the family since the 1850's, not a dream that could ever be as close to me as it is to him. But still: it feels like something that belongs to me, too. Weird, I know.

8) Sometimes, I think of finishing the business myself, to free my mind and heart once and for all especially if I end up moving from here, by reaching out to him and saying I'd love to talk face to face but if that can't happen, then I want him to know that I cared for him a great deal and breaking up was very hard on me as well as a huge disappointment and I still feel some strange connection to him and does he feel it, too. I'm not saying I will go and do this, just that it does sit there as a possibility, especially if I end up moving from here.

 

It all just feels like this huge story that just...ended, like the last chapter ripped out of a book. This feeling is not rational, but it is real because no matter how hard I try I can't shake it. I can keep ignoring it, as I have done better and better of late, but I know that no matter where I go, this whole thing will have a hold on me. Maybe I'll have to turn it into a work of fiction one day, and just write an ending. I know this story, this liaison with this person and his family, will continue to stay with me, for years to come. It has become a part of me. It is so powerful that I may never understand it. Except when I write here, I just go about my life as it is now, without him, relatively content, just realizing that it is time to move to the next thing--new job and perhaps a new set of problems.

 

I just wanted to put it out there in hopes some of you can relate.

[BC1980]

I'm glad you wrote this. I've been ruminating on some similar feelings for the past few weeks. I especially relate to the idea of leaving something unfinished. It's just that unsettling feeling of leaving something on a weird note. I feel that way with my ex from time to time. But I don't think breakups are ever neat and tidy. I don't think any ending is. And I still struggle with that from time to time. I've never had a neat and tidy breakup, but, at some point, I just stopped caring. It's not that I went back and had a talk with any exes. It's not that I came to some epiphany about the relationship. I just moved on and stopped caring. I think it just happened. I wasn't active in the process.

 

I can relate with the job and moving. When I finish school in May 2018, I am looking to move to a different hospital for sure. I want a different experience. I realized that would mean I likely won't see my ex again in this life. It will kind of be the end of an era because we met at work. So I just heavily associate this job with him in ways I didn't even realize until recently. I'm very burnt out with my job, and I feel like it's past time to move on. I'm only really keeping the job because the schedule works well with my being in school. But change is still difficult when you are going into something completely unknown. I just feel like I'm going through a lot of changes lately. I'm looking to buy a house this summer, and that is a big deal for me. I've never owned a house before.

 

I saw and spoke to him a few weeks ago. It wonder how he truly feels about everything that happened. We had to talk about some work related stuff, but he said some odd personal things that gave me pause. He tries to get personal when he sees me, and I guess that's his way of trying to smooth things over. I didn't affect me to talk to him. He just seemed like this guy I knew awhile back. I don't hate him anymore, which is nice. But still, I thought, how odd this conversation is. We were so close to each other at one point, and now we communicate as virtual strangers. That history is an odd thing to have between you.

Edited March 13, 2016 by BC1980

[Zapbasket]

I'm glad you wrote this. I've been ruminating on some similar feelings for the past few weeks. I especially relate to the idea of leaving something unfinished. It's just that unsettling feeling of leaving something on a weird note. I feel that way with my ex from time to time. But I don't think breakups are ever neat and tidy. I don't think any ending is. And I still struggle with that from time to time. I've never had a neat and tidy breakup, but, at some point, I just stopped caring. It's not that I went back and had a talk with any exes. It's not that I came to some epiphany about the relationship. I just moved on and stopped caring. I think it just happened. I wasn't active in the process.

 

I agree, that no ending is ever tidy, especially breakups. I guess in relation to where my life is right now, not just the whole K thing, though that is a huge part of the chapter of coming to live in this town, I can't help this nagging question of, "Have I really done all I could?" I am at the point of seriously considering and taking steps toward leaving here for the following reasons:

 

--It's so hard to make friends.

--It's so hard to find people with whom to have meaningful conversations of the kind that reveal new opportunities, new strains of thought, something that inspires me to see things in a new way. All of that, I've gotten on my own, through my own delving into the outdoors and my own contemplations of things. But that is not enough. The people you associate with can take you places mentally and emotionally you never imagined going. I'm not finding that here.

--I don't feel like I'm able to put myself in different circles where I might have a better chance of meeting a potential romantic partner. Overall, the milieu is one of guys enjoying recreation and their single-hood. I can relate on the recreational front, but conversations never move beyond that.

--I don't feel like I have enough around me to develop myself professionally.

--The cost of housing here is so pricey that I feel I'll never be able to afford to buy a place on my own.

--I feel tired of dealing with the same problems and always feeling like an outsider here, and I wonder whether elsewhere it could be better for me, for this stage of my life.

--I don't feel acknowledged or respected in my job, and I feel I deserve better. I have mentioned to some of the managers I work with that I feel like I don't matter, and they all have said how they love working with me and think I'm awesome, etc., so then I wonder if it's just another instance of where I have too-high expectations. But then I don't see them as the problem, but my manager. I have felt for a long time that he just doesn't respect this position beyond it being a basic admin role, and he doesn't want someone who wants more than that, which is why I feel this brick wall in this job even if it has some nice perks (skiing for a lunch break, for example. I mean, I'll never get such a nice perk as that again, that's for sure!--But, it's not enough to build my whole life around a perk of skiing at lunch. Am I foolish for wanting more?).

 

These are all valid reasons, I know, but...is it really this place, or am I doing the wrong things? I surmounted so much to "make it" here, but I feel like I'm not living up to my potential: for earning, for relationship, for intellectual pursuits, anything. Would moving elsewhere help me tackle those things, or just present me with a variation of the same problems?

 

I mean, I do have friends here now. I do know that people care about me and if I were to up and leave, people would notice. It's just that it has taken so long, and been so hard, I can't help wondering whether it would be easier elsewhere, and after 6 months or so I'd think, "Gosh, why didn't I move sooner?"

 

Also, it's so culturally different here from other places; mountain towns are very different living from suburbs and certainly cities; and I've finally learned how this place works and how to be in it. I hate to just give all that up because I worked SO HARD to get it.

 

So part of the "unfinished" bit is wondering whether I'd be cutting things off by leaving, and going back to square one. I wonder whether if I stay here I would, in two years, feel like I really developed more to where I want to be.

 

And with K, well, I admit that exploring the possibility of moving has exposed the fact that I still harbor some hope for a better ending. I know, so dumb of me. But it's there, and I'm hoping if I'm honest about it, I can better put it in its proper place. I guess a part of me is afraid that if I move, I'm closing the door forever. Sometimes I wonder, for example, if I'd not moved out west after my 2007 breakup, what might have happened with that ex and me. He did contact me in late 2008 wanting "to talk in the near future," and I didn't ever call back. I might have, if I'd still been living in NYC. If we'd both been living there, would things have been different for us? I would wonder the same thing about K. Like, moving would slam the door to any possibility of something happening--not necessarily getting back together, but establishing some kind of liaison or...something.

 

I can relate with the job and moving. When I finish school in May 2018, I am looking to move to a different hospital for sure. I want a different experience. I realized that would mean I likely won't see my ex again in this life. It will kind of be the end of an era because we met at work. So I just heavily associate this job with him in ways I didn't even realize until recently. I'm very burnt out with my job, and I feel like it's past time to move on. I'm only really keeping the job because the schedule works well with my being in school. But change is still difficult when you are going into something completely unknown. I just feel like I'm going through a lot of changes lately. I'm looking to buy a house this summer, and that is a big deal for me. I've never owned a house before.

 

I really relate to this. Congratulations and good luck on the house search! That's a big deal for sure, and in my eyes, a real adult milestone. Setting down roots. Building equity. Owning a physical space in which to live your life. I want this, too, but I can't even think of buying where I live even though they have a great employee housing program, until I find a better-paying job.

 

I relate to feeling burnt out in your job, as well. I, too, feel leaving my current job is past due. But I wanted to let things settle from my breakup before considering any changes, and I'd spent so much of my first several years here job-hounding that I just need a break from all that. I take it there are multiple hospitals in your area?

 

I also understand that feeling of associating your current job with your ex, and it all being part of an era, a major part of which is over but has left you changed. Living here is also heavily associated with K for me. It's hard to dissociate K, and that shared history, with my new experiences here. Since he and his family were huge in my life the first 3.5 years I lived here, it's hard for it to truly feel "in the past" since everything relates to that experience somehow. It's like in my mind it keeps me in dialogue with K even when K himself often slips far into the back of my mind. (But, as you said on another thread, he does come into my mind every day somehow.) Maybe that alone is reason to move from here, and reason for you to move to another hospital?

 

I don't know. I have been telling myself that change must come from within, but lately I'm feeling it's hard to implement those changes when your milieu is the same. I want to shake some things up so that I can try out new reactions to experiences, to reflect changes I *believe* I have made in myself. But I"m so wary of that truth, "Wherever you go, there you are." I don't want my life to be one repetition-compulsion of the same issues, ad nauseum. I truly want something different, and I'm wary because this move to the mountains was supposed to be the "different," and instead of elevating me, I feel it presented endless challenges that really wore me down, and now I'm tired of dealing with the same sh*t. It is MY sh*t, is the question, or is it really tied to living here--I'm not sure. And I'm scared as hell.

 

I saw and spoke to him a few weeks ago. It wonder how he truly feels about everything that happened. We had to talk about some work related stuff, but he said some odd personal things that gave me pause. He tries to get personal when he sees me, and I guess that's his way of trying to smooth things over. I didn't affect me to talk to him. He just seemed like this guy I knew awhile back. I don't hate him anymore, which is nice. But still, I thought, how odd this conversation is. We were so close to each other at one point, and now we communicate as virtual strangers. That history is an odd thing to have between you.

 

You are amazing in how you have handled the periodic encounters with him where you work. I'm curious: what were the "odd personal things" he said to you? Does he deal with you respectfully, or with a vague condescension and subtle (or not-so-subtle) boundary-busting?

 

You're right: it's such an odd thing to share so much with a person, and then you become strangers to each other, but where the chemistry has so changed that it's not like you could ever pick up where you left off. It's like the history is this beautiful, complex sculpture that you both know is there but it's in a museum to which the key no longer exists. So bizarre. I struggle with that with K. I've lived here nearly six years now and he still means the most to me, knows the most about me, spent the most time with me, shared the most with me. And yet, we are strangers. And yet, he lives within walking distance of my house. It's pure mind-f*ck if you ever cared. And sometimes I wonder, is this really all worth it? To share that and then break up? Isn't it better to just work on things? What does he get out of this? If I had my way, he'd still be in my life in some undefined way. But I'm an idealist, and sometimes I have to slough off these notions I get at times.

 

I hope my uber-long response doesn't put you off, BC1980, or anyone else reading this thread (not like long posts aren't my custom ), because it's such a relief to be able to share this experience with others going through similar things. ((Hugs.))

[BC1980]

You are amazing in how you have handled the periodic encounters with him where you work. I'm curious: what were the "odd personal things" he said to you? Does he deal with you respectfully, or with a vague condescension and subtle (or not-so-subtle) boundary-busting

 

It was hard a first. Super hard. At first, just seeing him from a distance would either reduce me to tears or keep me thinking about him for the next day or so. I'd be so angry. But all of that lessened with time. I only saw him every 3-6 months or so.

 

When I saw him a month ago, he said he heard I was going to school and was excited for me. He found out awhile ago when he asked a mutual friend how I was doing. Then, the next day, he walked into a patient's room when I was in there. He told the patient that he had the best nurse in the hospital. I dunno. It's just odd. I think he's trying to smooth things over in some way. Make amends in a clumsy way. Trying to let me know he wishes me the best. Something like that.

 

I've flat out ignored him before. Like, he's said hello to me passing in the hall, and I didn't even acknowledge him. He's asked me questions, and I've given one word answers with no eye contact. So he obviously knows I'm not going out of my way to speak to him and am not trying to be friends. He knows that I'm keeping my distance, and I wonder if that bothers him. I think it might bother him in the sense that he doesn't want anyone to think badly of him, and he doesn't want to be on bad terms with anyone. Maybe he does actually care to some extent. I certainly wouldn't ask him. I can forgive him, but I can't forget what he did to me or how he made me feel. I can't forget the tremendous hurt he caused me. So I would never put myself in a position to trust him again or get close to him in any way. And that fact makes me incredibly sad.

[Zapbasket]

The busiest (7-day/week) time of year for my job has passed and I find myself reflecting on how I've come along over the past year, and the past couple of years since the breakup of the relationship that is the subject of this thread--the breakup that absolutely shattered me to the point I thought my life was over.

 

I had this one thought, and I wonder whether others of you can relate: The thought was, I've been forced by my ex's absolute silence since we broke up, and the very hurtful way he ended our relationship, to face the possibility that he absolutely was wrong for me and our relationship never would have worked long-term. I'm forced to face that because I can't hold in my consciousness that someone I loved so much could treat me so poorly. But--and no, I'm not still hoping for it--if he were to contact me tomorrow, and be contrite, and show real awareness of how his behavior within the relationship, in the breakup, and after may have hurt me, and real self-awareness about the causes of his behavior, I would be able to come to a different conclusion, or at least have very different feelings about my time with him and what it meant.

 

I'm not articulating this well. I guess I'm saying that I believed we really had a connection and truly loved each other a great deal--he me, and I him--and even from the beginning of the relationship I perceived he had some fundamental psychological issues that were the primary obstacle in the success of our relationship. But I felt that those issues were surmountable if he got some help from a good therapist. When he never made a move to do that, I compromised what I fundamentally believed and suggested we see a couples therapist, and to move that process along I presented it to my ex that I was going to go individually and he could sign on if he wanted to. Even after all this time, I still do believe that we had something that could have worked, if he would have tried.

 

But with how he treated me in the end, and the fact that he has never felt enough compunction or even just positive memories of me to ever reach out, it makes me think I must be very lucky to be out of this relationship, because it only ever would have hurt me, and worse, in the long run, than the hurt of being broken up.

 

It's a strange mix of perceptions and feelings. Can anyone relate? I know I didn't articulate any of this as clearly as I'd hoped.

[BC1980]

I'm kind of confused about what you are asking. It seems like you are trying to figure out why K could have caused you so much pain, but you loved him so much. AND you are wondering if the relationship could have been salvaged if he had worked on himself and gone to therapy. Am I right?

 

With regards to the latter, it seems like you are trying to find a reason that it ended. A reason that absolves you as any contributing factor. I think the more likely conclusion is that neither of you are really at fault, but maybe the two of you didn't gel completely. I've read some of your other threads about K, and it seems like you knew that from very early on. You may have loved him, but it wasn't perfect from the beginning.

[Zapbasket]

I'm kind of confused about what you are asking. It seems like you are trying to figure out why K could have caused you so much pain, but you loved him so much. AND you are wondering if the relationship could have been salvaged if he had worked on himself and gone to therapy. Am I right?

 

With regards to the latter, it seems like you are trying to find a reason that it ended. A reason that absolves you as any contributing factor. I think the more likely conclusion is that neither of you are really at fault, but maybe the two of you didn't gel completely. I've read some of your other threads about K, and it seems like you knew that from very early on. You may have loved him, but it wasn't perfect from the beginning.

 

Not quite...it's about the way I'm left to perceive things and how contradictory it is. I didn't do a good job of articulating what I was saying. Have to run now but will try again later this morning when I can think

[Zapbasket]

Just a small, minor update:

 

Last night I pulled into the gas station and there was my ex's truck. I felt taken by surprise and my heart sank and lurched all at once. I pulled in a few pumps away from him so that I wouldn't be on the same side of my car as he was. When he pulled out, though, he had to pass right by and I know he had to have seen me.

 

I felt weird the rest of the evening. Just inexplicably agitated, unable to really concentrate. And then when I woke up this morning, I felt really, really sad. This is a feeling I've come to know all too well with this breakup, and it's strange how even though I've worked through so much of the pain, I still can get so sad.

 

I share this in part as a way of saying that to all you LS'ers who still hurt from a breakup even a long time after it happened, I really feel for you, and I get it. Some things can linger for a long, long time, even though no one would imagine you are still affected by it. None of my other breakups affected me as deeply as this one did, and I feel like this one has been, among other lessons, a lesson in how deeply events and people can affect you. It's a beautiful thing, really. But it also means that you should take great care in whom you choose to let into your life and heart.