Fear I am not progressing well in coping, 2

[sunshinegirl]

I won't lie; I'm scared of antidepressants...but like I said, hearing that you popped onto them and popped off them only to your benefit is very encouraging.

 

I don't want to be like your roommate--yikes! I guess I just wonder how much of a help antidepressants could be when my depression is decidedly arising from OUTSIDE factors. It's a grouping of situational factors that shows no sign of letting up. I feel I'm dealing with it all as best as anyone can...and so in that sense you could say my brain chemistry is great.

 

There are only two psychiatrists in this whole valley, and as the continuing irony of my life would have it (I'm actually chuckling at this right now), one of them was the friend of my ex-ex whom the ex fraudulently tried to get to prescribe medication to me and then force me to take...and the other was the director of the institution for which I moved here to work and which was the absolute worst job situation I've ever had--with this director as one of the culprits. So if I get medication, I'll have to go to my PCP and he is not equipped to answer my questions. I'd be tempted to just ask him for Effexor because it worked well for you.

 

The most recent thing to change was my decision to let all of K's family go. So now I am grieving a whole other group of losses, and dealing with a whole other version of isolation where I live.

 

I just keep wondering what of my situation I can alter to open a little breathing hole where I might begin to feel better. The exercising has been a part of that, because it gets me out into the mountains around me and gives me goals to strive for, even while in every other area (save for my therapy where I'm looking at my relationship patterns and their origins) I temporarily feel listless about what goals are worth striving for.

 

Ok. I will make an appointment with my PCP. The whole thing really freaks me out--did you really have NO side effects?

 

My depression was SITUATIONAL as well - a terrible, horrible breakup not of my own doing, that I could not cope with no matter how I tried. Brain chemistry can get messed up from external situational factors, so don't get so hung up on what triggered it. Yes, do make the appt with your PCP. Sorry you've had bad experiences with the psychs in your area.

[BC1980]

With anti depressants, you will still feel your feelings, but meds might help you have less anxiety and be able to process them better.

[Zapbasket]

With anti depressants, you will still feel your feelings, but meds might help you have less anxiety and be able to process them better.

 

Did you go on antidepressants at all during this most recent break-up, BC1980? If so, how did you feel they helped you?

 

If I'm going to try this route, I want to get a sense of exactly what they can and can't do for me. I know they cannot, for instance, change any aspects of my situation that are getting me so down. Do they have a numbing effect, or more of a "leveling," where you feel everything but are somehow better able to function within your feelings, positive and negative?

[BC1980]

Did you go on antidepressants at all during this most recent break-up, BC1980? If so, how did you feel they helped you?

 

If I'm going to try this route, I want to get a sense of exactly what they can and can't do for me. I know they cannot, for instance, change any aspects of my situation that are getting me so down. Do they have a numbing effect, or more of a "leveling," where you feel everything but are somehow better able to function within your feelings, positive and negative?

 

I did take Paxil 13 years ago to deal with depression in college. It really alleviated my anxiety where I felt like I could breathe again and live life. I felt like I could cope better and put things into perspective. They don't numb your feelings. I just felt less overwhelmed by my emotions. I did try Lexapro for a few days this time, but I didn't like the main side effect, which was sleepiness. I of have a friend that takes Lexapro and has no side effects.

 

I'm an advocate of taking meds if you need to. Even just for a few months since yours is obviously situational. This isn't a chronic problem. I'm proud of you for going NC. I know how hard it is, and I also grieved the loss of his family and son, the future he had promised. None of it's fair, but life so often isn't. I want to see you get better. We are too young not to enjoy out lives to the fullest.

[Zapbasket]

I woke up and can't shake this fear, that came on me suddenly and powerfully again after articulating aloud on LS, to my therapist and to my mom that basically every one of my long-term relationships (there have been three) I would have been better off without. That any benefit I had from any of those guys being in my life was more due to ME, with my curiosity and adventurousness, than to them. That during the time with each guy (5 years, 1.5 years, 3.5 years) not one of them really grew or changed whatsoever.

 

It marks a huge piece of progress for me to be able to say those things. I don't come at all from a mean place when I say that; it is the truth. I spent the entirety of all three relationships making excuses for their emotional unavailability and rigidity and I'd blame myself. So that's why I say that this denotes progress.

 

But something about saying it stoked an awful fear: my most recent ex, who was irritable and loved getting under my skin, who neither made nor discussed any plans for the future for himself or for us, who was more stuck in his life due to some unarticulated psychological quagmire than anyone I've known, who blamed me for all the difficulties in the relationship and never looked at his own contribution, lives right down the street from me and so his presence is more palpable in my "present" than the other two guys.

 

And my awful fear is that just as I come to the conclusion that he was bad for me and an emotionally rigid, unavailable person who proved, while with me, incapable of an intimate relationship, he is going to change. I AM TERRIFIED THAT HE IS AT LAST GOING TO CHANGE, BECOME UN-STUCK, AND BE ABLE TO HAVE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH ANOTHER WOMAN IN A WAY HE COULD NOT WITH ME.

 

I mean, this fear really grips me. It's even more scary because I don't yet feel convinced I'm moving on to something better. When our relationship ended, I was deeply frustrated and angry but I wanted to work on things and attempt couples counseling, but he shut down and walked away and has never contacted me in 10 months, which honestly, I did not expect.

 

I'm so scared that it was just with ME he was the way he was, and just during the years we were together that he was stuck in his life, and now everything is hunky-dory for him while I have just been struggling, and struggling.

 

I know this is irrational but the fear is there and to me it is real.

 

Talk some sense into me, please?

[BC1980]

I woke up and can't shake this fear, that came on me suddenly and powerfully again after articulating aloud on LS, to my therapist and to my mom that basically every one of my long-term relationships (there have been three) I would have been better off without. That any benefit I had from any of those guys being in my life was more due to ME, with my curiosity and adventurousness, than to them. That during the time with each guy (5 years, 1.5 years, 3.5 years) not one of them really grew or changed whatsoever.

 

It marks a huge piece of progress for me to be able to say those things. I don't come at all from a mean place when I say that; it is the truth. I spent the entirety of all three relationships making excuses for their emotional unavailability and rigidity and I'd blame myself. So that's why I say that this denotes progress.

 

But something about saying it stoked an awful fear: my most recent ex, who was irritable and loved getting under my skin, who neither made nor discussed any plans for the future for himself or for us, who was more stuck in his life due to some unarticulated psychological quagmire than anyone I've known, who blamed me for all the difficulties in the relationship and never looked at his own contribution, lives right down the street from me and so his presence is more palpable in my "present" than the other two guys.

 

And my awful fear is that just as I come to the conclusion that he was bad for me and an emotionally rigid, unavailable person who proved, while with me, incapable of an intimate relationship, he is going to change. I AM TERRIFIED THAT HE IS AT LAST GOING TO CHANGE, BECOME UN-STUCK, AND BE ABLE TO HAVE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH ANOTHER WOMAN IN A WAY HE COULD NOT WITH ME.

 

I mean, this fear really grips me. It's even more scary because I don't yet feel convinced I'm moving on to something better. When our relationship ended, I was deeply frustrated and angry but I wanted to work on things and attempt couples counseling, but he shut down and walked away and has never contacted me in 10 months, which honestly, I did not expect.

 

I'm so scared that it was just with ME he was the way he was, and just during the years we were together that he was stuck in his life, and now everything is hunky-dory for him while I have just been struggling, and struggling.

 

I know this is irrational but the fear is there and to me it is real.

 

Talk some sense into me, please?

 

These feelings are normal, and I've had them too. You fear that your ex will spontaneously change into someone that could be in a relationship with you. I think that entire thought process is one reason we refuse to move on. We want to stay around on the off chance that the person changes because we want to reap the benefits. You've already invested several years, so it makes no sense to invest more. Still, there are so many people out there who continue to emotionally invest in someone that isn't worth the time.

 

Let me tell you that it is unlikely he will change. Also, it no longer matters to you or your future. Think about how hard it has been for you to change. It's been equally as difficult for me, so it doesn't happen overnight. Most people don't change because it's just so difficult, and introspection is not often comfortable.

 

Just remember that his path is no longer the path you are on. Your responsibility is to yourself, so it no longer matters if he has changed or not. The more you worry about him changing, the longer it will take to move on. Push those thoughts away, and focus on you. I know it's difficult. I think you may have some anxiety as well. I know that I had some difficulty with anxiety after my breakup, which is normal. I never took anything for it, and I was able to talk myself down from it. It's just the process of reordering your life and uncertainty of the unknown. You thought your life was going in one direction, and, now, you are expected to go down a different path. My thoughts were so crazy and scattered for months after I started NC. I would work myself up over silly things that I couldn't change, and I had to let a lot of it go. Easier said than done, but it can be accomplished with time.

 

I don't know if you pray or meditate, but that helped me focus and recenter when I felt like I was going crazy. I would get upset over little things, and it was all just a symptom of trying to reorder my life and make plans for the future. One day, I would be fine. The next day, I would have thoughts like you are having. The next day, none of it would matter. I would take a deep breath and remind myself that I could only control myself, and I let everything else go.

Edited June 7, 2014 by BC1980

[Zapbasket]

Thank you for your encouraging words, BC1980.

 

I know he will not change; there is no reason for him to do so. He simply does not think he is the problem and he most likely feels he "rid" himself of a relationship he can patly sum up as, "We argued all the time."

 

My best friend never met him (we are not geographically close), but she hates him and feels strongly that I was in an abusive relationship and she hopes he NEVER contacts despite knowing that his contact would mean a lot to me. That really says a lot, doesn't it? She swears up and down that sure, he may be on a dating site or a few, but he's NOT moving on to something better. Whereas I have everything to gain by this being over, she says, and she is confident I will eventually move on to something much, much better than it ever could have been with him. I believe that to be true...sometimes. Many times it's as you say: fear of the unknown. Fear that the difficulties I've had in recent years, with career, this relationship, my social life where I live, will never evolve into something better. Fear especially that I will only end up romantically with what I know, since I have never known anything else. I hope that's not the case given I am in therapy and ostensibily doing all the right things....

 

Today was more setback. Was out running errands and saw K's, my ex's truck outside of Whole Foods. I had planned to go there but just took care of other errands and he was still there, and still there, and still there...for nearly three hours. Why else would you be at Whole Foods for three hours except to be on a date? I know there have been times I've gone into Whole Foods for a quick couple of things, and run into someone I know, and we've stood there and talked for an hour...but not THREE. Also, I suppose WF is a great first date spot as it's familiar to most people, it's more casual than meeting at a restaurant, more food options than at a coffee shop.... My heart sank, and I just drove around in tears. It hurts SO MUCH I am speechless. Just thinking of him enjoying his date (because it must have been enjoyable to have lasted three hours, and at WF, to boot--that's sitting and chatting longer than even a good dinner date at a restaurant allows for, as so much of the timing at a restaurant is shaped by the delivery of the courses, the arrival of the bill, etc.), makes me ill.

 

It hurts that he can be on a date--doesn't matter whether it's a wonderful or a crappy date, like I said, three hours, so on that 97% chance it was, indeed, a date (or otherwise the most amazing catch-up with one hell of a long-lost friend)--and I'm struggling so hard in my life right now. It feels like it should be the other way around. HE is the one who is the jerk. I feel like it's just high freaking time something good happens for me, because I have been through so much difficulty, and instead, he gets to have a great Sunday on a great date and feel all that buzz and excitement and sense of "anything's possible" and sense of a prospect of sex on the horizon that a good first date brings. WHY IS HE REWARDED FOR BEING A JERK, AND WHY AM I CONSTANTLY, IT SEEMS, PULLED DOWN? I feel so alone here, and meanwhile there is is in his parents' backyard in their garage apartment, with siblings and nieces and his grandparents and generally surrounded by people who love him.

 

And then, on Saturday his mom called me. I was on the other line long-distance and so didn't answer. She left a message wondering how my month off was and how I was doing and said I know how to reach her so let's catch up. I haven't told her outright that I want some space for an indefinite period and don't want to be in contact. I honestly thought she might stop calling me now that it's pretty clear to anyone with half a brain that K. and I never are going to speak again. My thought was that if she did call me, I'd make arrangements to tell her in person that I need to cut contact indefinitely in order to be able to move on. So I texted her back this morning before seeing K.'s truck at Whole Foods and asked when she could meet up in the next week or two. I didn't make it sound like I had anything serious to tell her.

 

These are MY values: I think if you ever shared any significant relationship for any significant lengh of time with a person, it is downright cruel to just stop answering their calls, texts, emails, etc. without any kind of explanation. ANd if your intent is to cut ties, whether temporarily or permanently, you OWE it both to YOURSELF and the other person to say so in person. I WOULD NEVER DO TO ANOTHER PERSON WHAT HAS BEEN DONE TO ME BECAUSE I KNOW, FROM MULTIPLE EXPERIENCES, JUST HOW MUCH IT HURTS. It goes against every caring, empathic aspect of my being.

 

I'm a kind person who tries to do the right thing. My ex's dating profile reads, "I consider myself thoughtful and kind." And while he had times where this was true, he was NOT that way with me. Now, because I am kind, I feel left hanging by his mom, who has not answered yet (fine) but I just want to do anything to put an end to all this misery.

 

None of this is about wanting him back. I realize a little more every day how he was a very poor relationship partner and it is a much better thing for me that this relationship is over. But rather than be able to puff out my chest and walk proudly into the future, I have to acknowledge that HE was the one who finally ended it once and for all. If I'd had my way, we'd be in counseling together, NOT never speaking again. I feel shamed and small in the knowledge that HE shunned ME, not the other way around.

 

So there's that. And then yesterday, on a two-lane, 35mph frontage road, we passed each other. I didn't look into the window, just at his license plate to confirm it was, indeed, him. He could not have failed to notice it was me. My heart sank: this is what it has come to--passing one another like strangers. I wish I didn't care or didn't feel it was wrong that it's like this, but I do. Very, very much. And simultaneously I scorn his cowardice in how he handled our relationship, his lack of class and self-awareness and overall care. But that scorn doesn't make the disappointment any less, or the hurt.

 

Is it possible that sometimes the only way to overcome a great interpersonal hurt or disappointment is to leave town for good?

 

I wrote this piecemeal while dealing with a number of interruptions; I don't even know whether it makes sense. Thanks for "listening," a.k.a. reading.

[BC1980]

I'm so sorry you had to see that. It would hurt me deeply to see my ex with someone else. Even at this stage, it would be a pretty big blow. I will respond to some of what you said. It's hard to accept, but life is random. Good things don't necessarily happen to good people. Bad things don't necessarily happen to bad people. Working in health care, I have a strong belief that all of this is truely random, and there is no rhyme or reason to a lot of things.

 

I know it seems unfair that your ex might be happy and moving on, but that's just life. As difficult as it is to accept or stomach. I certainly don't wish my ex any happiness, but I can't control that. Also, you have to get yourself into the mindset that it doesn't matter. Something else to consider is that you are assuming he is happy, and happy for one person is not happy for another.

 

I think it's so important to emotionally detach from someone. When a thought of him arises, get rid of it. Don't go down the road of thinking he is on a date, ect. Don't do that to yourself.

[Zapbasket]

Thanks a bunch for your thoughts. You sound so strong; I hope I can become as strong as you.

 

I'm so sorry you had to see that. It would hurt me deeply to see my ex with someone else. Even at this stage, it would be a pretty big blow. I will respond to some of what you said. It's hard to accept, but life is random. Good things don't necessarily happen to good people. Bad things don't necessarily happen to bad people. Working in health care, I have a strong belief that all of this is truely random, and there is no rhyme or reason to a lot of things.

 

Thanks for reminding me of this. Working in health care, I'm sure you see this with a level of clarity most never experience. Also, I don't try always to become a better person because of some vague reward I might receive. I do it because it gives meaning to life for me, always to try to be the best person I can be.

 

I know it seems unfair that your ex might be happy and moving on, but that's just life. As difficult as it is to accept or stomach. I certainly don't wish my ex any happiness, but I can't control that. Also, you have to get yourself into the mindset that it doesn't matter. Something else to consider is that you are assuming he is happy, and happy for one person is not happy for another.

 

I hate admitting this, but frankly, I don't wish my ex any happiness. I just don't.

 

I think it's so important to emotionally detach from someone. When a thought of him arises, get rid of it. Don't go down the road of thinking he is on a date, ect. Don't do that to yourself.

 

How do you do this? I was all set to have a great day today, and when I saw his truck, I just lost it. I have even posted a note at the top of my stairs: "Make every day count." It's to help me keep focused on moving forward, and enjoying life again, and restoring myself to ME. But when the hurt started flooding me, I found myself unable to stop it, and believe me, I fought it. Hard. I assembled and painted a new piece of furniture I bought. I made a huge pot of goulash. I put on my trail running shoes and pushed myself up a trail behind my house in the midst of a rainstorm, only to sprint back home like my life depended on it when it started lightning (the trail runs straight under a power line). Every 5 minutes I fell apart and when my mom called me a couple of hours ago, I just cried and cried. Perhaps I have poor mental discipline?

[BC1980]

I'm still not fully detached from him, and I don't know if I ever will be. I've just gotten really good at refocusing my thoughts and not giving into the temptation to spiral or snowball thoughts of him. Like if I saw him on a date, that would hurt. But I've gotten good at not continuing to think about it and imagine him with someone else doing all the things we used to do. That would be awful because I used to do that sometimes, and there's no point in it.

 

I'm probably not as strong as you imagine, but I try.

[sunshinegirl]

I woke up and can't shake this fear, that came on me suddenly and powerfully again after articulating aloud on LS, to my therapist and to my mom that basically every one of my long-term relationships (there have been three) I would have been better off without. That any benefit I had from any of those guys being in my life was more due to ME, with my curiosity and adventurousness, than to them. That during the time with each guy (5 years, 1.5 years, 3.5 years) not one of them really grew or changed whatsoever.

 

It marks a huge piece of progress for me to be able to say those things. I don't come at all from a mean place when I say that; it is the truth. I spent the entirety of all three relationships making excuses for their emotional unavailability and rigidity and I'd blame myself. So that's why I say that this denotes progress.

 

But something about saying it stoked an awful fear: my most recent ex, who was irritable and loved getting under my skin, who neither made nor discussed any plans for the future for himself or for us, who was more stuck in his life due to some unarticulated psychological quagmire than anyone I've known, who blamed me for all the difficulties in the relationship and never looked at his own contribution, lives right down the street from me and so his presence is more palpable in my "present" than the other two guys.

 

And my awful fear is that just as I come to the conclusion that he was bad for me and an emotionally rigid, unavailable person who proved, while with me, incapable of an intimate relationship, he is going to change. I AM TERRIFIED THAT HE IS AT LAST GOING TO CHANGE, BECOME UN-STUCK, AND BE ABLE TO HAVE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH ANOTHER WOMAN IN A WAY HE COULD NOT WITH ME.

 

I mean, this fear really grips me. It's even more scary because I don't yet feel convinced I'm moving on to something better. When our relationship ended, I was deeply frustrated and angry but I wanted to work on things and attempt couples counseling, but he shut down and walked away and has never contacted me in 10 months, which honestly, I did not expect.

 

I'm so scared that it was just with ME he was the way he was, and just during the years we were together that he was stuck in his life, and now everything is hunky-dory for him while I have just been struggling, and struggling.

 

I know this is irrational but the fear is there and to me it is real.

 

Talk some sense into me, please?

 

I've been thinking about this for several days and trying to figure out what I could say that would help. BC1980 had some great perspective.

 

What I can add is this: I could have written your post almost verbatim in 2008. I vividly remember the rage I felt that E. walked away scot-free - I learned he slept with the office hooch not 3 days after we broke up; he basically skipped along la-la-la into a shiny new happy relationship. (He later married her, BTW.) And I, meanwhile, was a total, complete mess, as unhappy as I've ever been, etc.

 

Years later, here's my perspective: I envied E.'s "happiness" because I wasn't happy and because I was on the cusp of doing some really hard, deep, and sometimes dark work of self-discovery. Short term it all looked downhill for me, while it looked like a field of daisies for him.

 

But now, on the other side of that hard work, my capacity for happiness far outstrips the maximum amount of "happy" I ever realistically could have had with him. Looking back, I THANK him for hurting me so deeply, for forcing the end of the relationship because I don't think I would have done so myself. It is no exaggeration to say that his dumping me actually set me free.

 

Today, I don't bear him ill will. Great if he's happy! Though I will also share this tidbit: as to the fear that office hooch was going to reform him and then reap everything that I deserved? Didn't happen. The poor girl got exactly the same man that I did, as evidenced by her complaint at one point in front of our mutual friends, "E., why can't you be nice, like M is?" (M being the hubby of the mutual friend couple. Which is exactly what I wished for when I was with E.!). Now I feel sorry for her that she got stuck w/ E. when I was able to move on and grow and win the proverbial lottery.

[Zapbasket]

I'm still not fully detached from him, and I don't know if I ever will be.

 

Because you will always be a little in love with him?

 

I'm probably not as strong as you imagine, but I try.

 

Well, you don't come across at all like I do, all swirling with confusion and pain and circular thoughts. You sound like you've brought yourself to a very solid place mentally; I hope I can get there at some point soon. You are one of my role models--the more so because I know everything you have now in your recovery, came with a struggle; you've been very honest about that.

[BC1980]

Because you will always be a little in love with him?

 

 

 

Well, you don't come across at all like I do, all swirling with confusion and pain and circular thoughts. You sound like you've brought yourself to a very solid place mentally; I hope I can get there at some point soon. You are one of my role models--the more so because I know everything you have now in your recovery, came with a struggle; you've been very honest about that.

 

I will say it's taken a lot of hard work. I could have written all of your posts verbatim 6 months ago. I'm not out of the woods yet, but I feel like I've made some great progress. I definitely used to torment myself with thoughts of my ex moving on and wondering why I was such an emotional mess after the breakup. It seemed so unfair that I was obviously plummeting into the depths of grief that he barely felt.

 

I realized that the truth is probably a little different. I actually don't know how he feels or has felt. It's really weird that I barely care anymore. His life just has no bearing on my current path. I honestly wondered if I would ever care so little, but it seems to be possible.

[Zapbasket]

Good grief. This is the third time I've started a response to this, the prior times being interrupted and then returning to the post an hour or so later only to have forgotten what I was trying to say.

 

 

What I can add is this: I could have written your post almost verbatim in 2008. I vividly remember the rage I felt that E. walked away scot-free - I learned he slept with the office hooch not 3 days after we broke up; he basically skipped along la-la-la into a shiny new happy relationship. (He later married her, BTW.) And I, meanwhile, was a total, complete mess, as unhappy as I've ever been, etc.

 

That's it. I feel furious that this was the relationship that really brought me to my knees in terms of having to take a look at myself, my history and patterns. And meanwhile, for him, he can just rid me from his life, turn up the volume of his copious denial and be "convinced" that the relationship's difficulties were due to ME, or us being "incompatible." (The latter might well be true, but not for the reasons he would give.)

 

I am sooooooo angry and hurt that the reason--or so I strongly suspect--he wants nothing to do with me is that from me he would have to hear about his shortcomings. Without me around, he doesn't have to face them and I know he doesn't have the self-motivation to look at them himself, for himself or out of care for the people in his life and who will come into his life in the future.

 

Today, for instance, I ran into someone at the grocery store with whom I had a falling out this winter. Basically, he was an older male friend, or whom I thought was a friend, who developed a romantic interest in me right at the height of my vulnerability over this breakup and I felt disrespected and disgusted. I saw him for the first time in 6 months a couple of weeks ago and we were stiff around each other, but polite. This time we exchanged a small hug, chatted for a minute, and then parted ways. I suspect that after a few more times of this, we'll actually have a fuller conversation and will restore at least some vestige of good will and friendship (he wasn't a close friend, but I did always like him and used to have long conversations with him).

 

Point being, f*ck K. for just cutting everything off abruptly and utterly, never allowing for or participating or initiating a discussion about the problems in our relationship or anything before he closed the door utterly, destroying the good with all the bad--and there WAS good, too. It is selfish and immature and prevents ANY kind of even superficial reconciliation in the future. I'll NEVER be able to run into him somewhere and be cordial. I will ALWAYS have to avoid him, unless he pins me down and insists on a meaningful conversation with me, and frankly he has proven himself too cowardly for that.

 

I want him to have to suffer for his behavior, all of it. I want SOMETHING to happen to him that truly brings him to his knees, not just a bruising of his ego, but a COMPLETE eradication of efficacy of any defense with which he ever bolstered himself.

 

Years later, here's my perspective: I envied E.'s "happiness" because I wasn't happy and because I was on the cusp of doing some really hard, deep, and sometimes dark work of self-discovery. Short term it all looked downhill for me, while it looked like a field of daisies for him.

 

But now, on the other side of that hard work, my capacity for happiness far outstrips the maximum amount of "happy" I ever realistically could have had with him. Looking back, I THANK him for hurting me so deeply, for forcing the end of the relationship because I don't think I would have done so myself. It is no exaggeration to say that his dumping me actually set me free.

 

Today, I don't bear him ill will. Great if he's happy! Though I will also share this tidbit: as to the fear that office hooch was going to reform him and then reap everything that I deserved? Didn't happen. The poor girl got exactly the same man that I did, as evidenced by her complaint at one point in front of our mutual friends, "E., why can't you be nice, like M is?" (M being the hubby of the mutual friend couple. Which is exactly what I wished for when I was with E.!). Now I feel sorry for her that she got stuck w/ E. when I was able to move on and grow and win the proverbial lottery.

 

I really, really hope this is where I am headed.

 

But one difference I note in how you processed your hurt and disappointment with E. in the aftermath and now, and how I am processing my similar disappointment and hurt, is that from the get-go it was VERY clear-cut for you what E's true character was. I never heard you temper your starker opinion of him with, "But overall he was a decent guy," or, "Sometimes he could communicate," or, ____. Is that because it really was that clear to you?

 

Because that's some of the confusion that mires me. K had aspects that were caring and loving and funny and communicative--it's just there was this OTHER side; as I said to him way back in 2011 and reported in one of my LS threads, I felt like I was dating two K's, one who was sweet and pleasant to be around, and another who was determined to be belittling, antagonistic, and irritable. I really, genuinely loved him, and that's why I'm really struggling. Even as more and more I can admit, with ever-lessening turmoil, that he just was not good relationship material for my values and purposes, I still find myself blinded with hurt and remorse that the good did not manage to outweigh the bad. I thought, in terms of certain aspects of our personality and perspective and certain values, that we WERE compatible, very much so. He just kept clinging to the lowest common denominator in his attitude, exercising of the values he claimed he had, and standards for himself and his own behavior. ANd ultimately that was more responsible for destroying our relationship than anything else. It was like he was DRIVEN to destroy it.

 

While writing that, I cried my eyes out. And that's the thing that continues to confuse me: am I really seeing the true K. clearly; do I really have an understanding of the real extent of his limitations? Because I don't have that answer, I then vacillate where when my love for him and appreciation of what I *thought* were his good traits floods over me, I wonder whether I was just blind and I'm attributing traits to him and his character that just were not there. But when I have these flashes of clarity, such as recently when I admitted to myself that there always this "insidious" quality to him lurking just under the surface ALL THE TIME, that in terms of character he really is the "weak link" in his family and a liability to them and that especially his mother but also his sister and grandparents seemed confused by and unsure of him and used denial to convince themselves otherwise--when I saw these things and, recently, stated them clearly to myself for the first time (because I couldn't allow these thoughts while I was in the relationship, or some part of me felt that way), I instantly doubt myself, wonder whether I'm being uncharitable, whether now I'm attributing "bad" traits to him because I want to believe he's a bad guy in order to lessen my pain.

 

I just don't seem to have a clear picture. My therapist points out that partly that is because I have a double standard in my expectations whereby I hold myself to a very high standard, and hold other people to almost no standard at all and therefore try to force myself to accept behavior I'd NEVER accept from myself, all in the name of "belonging."

 

Did you ever have a similar muddle, in terms of how you perceived E.? Because the picture you painted (and it sounds like every bit of the "true" picture) was very clearly that he wasn't such a prize, at all.

[sunshinegirl]

That's it. I feel furious that this was the relationship that really brought me to my knees in terms of having to take a look at myself, my history and patterns. And meanwhile, for him, he can just rid me from his life, turn up the volume of his copious denial and be "convinced" that the relationship's difficulties were due to ME, or us being "incompatible." (The latter might well be true, but not for the reasons he would give.)

 

A different way to frame this is to think of K as your "epiphany relationship." It's a phrase a close girlfriend coined to describe her rock bottom breakup that prompted her own self-discovery journey. GC, K has catalyzed a process for you that is going to take you to a much, much, much better place in your life. Trust that. KNOW it to be true. You WILL find your happiness.

 

Without me around, he doesn't have to face them and I know he doesn't have the self-motivation to look at them himself, for himself or out of care for the people in his life and who will come into his life in the future.

 

I say this gently, but you need to hear it: this is a boundary violation on YOUR part. It is emphatically not your role, job, or responsibility to make him do ANYTHING, including look at himself or become a better man. Same is true of my hubby, by the way. These men are full-fledged adults and THEY get to decide what they spend their time, thoughts, and energy on, whether that's self-improvement or picking boogers. What I finally learned to do is to pick a man whose self-directed choices about how he spends his time, thoughts, and energy, match up well with my own. Your language above is the stuff of co-dependence and will be one of the tendencies you will have to directly or indirectly "un-learn" in the course of your "self-discovery journey" (which is apparently what I have named what you are going through right now).

 

Point being, f*ck K. for just cutting everything off abruptly and utterly, never allowing for or participating or initiating a discussion about the problems in our relationship or anything before he closed the door utterly, destroying the good with all the bad--and there WAS good, too. It is selfish and immature and prevents ANY kind of even superficial reconciliation in the future. I'll NEVER be able to run into him somewhere and be cordial. I will ALWAYS have to avoid him, unless he pins me down and insists on a meaningful conversation with me, and frankly he has proven himself too cowardly for that.

 

Please know that this pain will lessen in time, particularly as you focus on you and seek your happiness. I've never had a meaningful interaction with E since the breakup. Last time I saw him was a couple of months before I got married -- we were both at the climbing gym. We had about 10 minutes of awkward conversation, which definitely felt weird, but it wasn't painful per se, I wasn't on the verge of tears, and it didn't spark a desire to chew him out or rehash our history one more time. It threw me for a little while because yes, the wound had been deep and so I wasn't completely untouched emotionally. But the great thing is that I talked about the encounter with DH, who was completely understanding, and within a day or two the feeling passed. I will admit I am curious about how E's marriage is going and how his daughter is doing, but it's morbid curiosity at this point, not a painful ruminating, and certainly with no wistful "what if's."

 

I want him to have to suffer for his behavior, all of it. I want SOMETHING to happen to him that truly brings him to his knees, not just a bruising of his ego, but a COMPLETE eradication of efficacy of any defense with which he ever bolstered himself.

 

These are very natural vengeance fantasies. I've since come to believe that for E (and another particularly terrible ex before him), living their lives AS THEIR OBLIVIOUS SELVES is punishment enough. Onward and upward for me!

 

But one difference I note in how you processed your hurt and disappointment with E. in the aftermath and now, and how I am processing my similar disappointment and hurt, is that from the get-go it was VERY clear-cut for you what E's true character was. I never heard you temper your starker opinion of him with, "But overall he was a decent guy," or, "Sometimes he could communicate," or, ____. Is that because it really was that clear to you?

 

The only difference is that after the breakup, I more quickly turned attention to ME and MY patterns in relationships, which enabled me to cut the bull**** and stop focusing on the "ooh ooh good qualities" of E that kept me enmeshed in the relationship up to the bitter end. GC, virtually everyone has redeeming qualities. E had redeeming qualities - you've quoted me back to myself where I said he was loyal, generous, etc. My problem - and your problem - is that we treated major character flaws / incompatibilities as though they were much more minor negatives that could be weighed against the good stuff and the good stuff still came out on top (despite the fact that our niggling inner voices were screaming at us!). It's not that different from how physically abused women can rationalize staying with their abusers... "but oh, he brings home a steady paycheck and he's never kicked the dog!" Anyone outside the situation would say, DUH, that **** doesn't matter - the fact that he hits you is the only thing that matters here!

 

The reality is that K's negative qualities are deal killers for you, and you need to stop confusing yourself by focusing on the good. Who cares about the good stuff? Hitler probably had good qualities. The bad stuff is what was killing you. The bad stuff is what I learned to put all of my attention and energy on.

[BC1980]

The majority of people do have good in them. My ex could be very loving and generous at times. Actually, most of the time he was really generous with me, so I've had trouble dealing with that part of him. It seems it would be easier if he was just a total jerk, so I could completely write him off. I also felt guilty about missing the good parts. I think the best thing I've done is realize that we are on different paths, and he doesn't matter to my growth anymore. He could bd wonderful or awful, but I'm focusing on myself. Bit by bit, I'm moving away from caring if he s happy or not. It just has no bearing on me anymore. I feel like distance and focusing on yourself are the keys to getting there.

[anemptycup]

Hey OP - i'm now 5 months in, and still battling with thoughts of her everyday...

 

what i have learned on my journey is - NC is crucial to moving on. Basically our biggest anchors to moving on are THOUGHTS - thoughts of them being happier without us, thoughts of how our lives will be less happier without them... etc etc...

 

it's all stories that we create in our minds based on the very little real evidence we receive - and our minds tend to dream up the worst situations rather than painting rosey pictures.

 

Think about it - have you ever seen him do something and then make-up a positive story regarding that? I doubt it - i'm sure that all the thoughts and stories you are thinking all day are mostly bringing you down...

 

which is why NC is crucial.... because, ONCE you go NC... you're still not out of the woods... you'll still have the thoughts about them (even though you will have eliminated the fuel by going NC) and then it's just a waiting game until your mind gets bored of thinking the same thoughts and you finally just have no more fuel to generate new and disturbing thoughts.

 

THOUGHTS are the anchors holding us back... you can't escape them by moving, you can't burry them by doing a million other activities to distract you, and you can't numb them with drugs or drink....

 

but you can become AWARE of them... and that's been my biggest help to getting better - be aware of your thoughts AS they arise... not an hour after you've been lost in a chain of negative thinking.... when a thought about him comes into your mind (e.g he must be having a great weekend with his friends) that's when you have to become AWARE - and immediately counter the thoughts with 3 positive ones - like: 1.What i choose to do with my weekend is more important to me than what he does 2. My love for myself is greater than my love for him - and i am more interested in my future than his 3. I have no idea what he is going through, he could be suffering more than i am, or not - it's no longer important to me - all that matters is my own beautiful heart and my own happiness.

 

 

the fact is - the more you think of him - the more powerful you will make him in your mind - you will turn him into this Hero, or God, and you will make your mind feel like you are lesser and not as important - and that will make you feel like **** - and crave him more and more - and make you feel worse for not having him.

 

try to see that this is not true love... this is an addiction you have to someone that is making you feel better - you feel like you need him to be happy - but, that should not be what a loving relationship is... you should be happy first - in your own skin... and then bring that happiness and wholeness into a relationship...

 

therefore - try to understand that you are suffering (like most of us) a strong addiction - and the only way to move on is to stop taking the drug (NC NC NC)

 

the way to counter it is to put your attention on yourself - make your thoughts about you - make yourself your new fav drug - this will slowly re-program your mind to start seeing yourself as the most important thing in your world... not an Ex you are chasing... and wow.. you will start to feel whole and happy... and complete week after week....

 

YOU HAVE to do this - Attention is Energy - Attention is Love - the more time you spend giving him your attention - the more you give him your power and take your own power away. Your heart needs you! Don't ignore it and make your ex more important than your own heart - look within - and put your attention on your own heart - start talking to yourself positively - tell your heart how much you love it and that you are sorry for neglecting it - tell it that you are now here and will be looking after it and won't go anywhere.

 

get a journal - and everyday write 3 things you are grateful for - and also if you can document 5 negative thoughts that pop into your head everyday - counter those thoughts with 3 positive thoughts.

 

Eat well, exercise, keep the therapy going - get outside in nature... it has an amazing effect on our body just to go out and be grateful for the beautiful earth that is keeping us alive with it's air, sun, and ground from which it provides us with food...

 

know that we each have a unique energy and that we each are super important piece of each other on this planet... and we have to energize ourselves in order to find out own confidence....

 

Take your attention off him.. and direct it on to yourself... in a way the break-ups we are going through are great blessings, showing us all our inner holes that we need to learn to full up with our own love and aettention - it's the only way we'll truly become strong and free.

 

be grateful for 3 things each day.

 

1. I am grateful for the amazing and loving heart i have - i am blessed to be full of so much love and I now guide my attention to myself to heal myself and love myself

 

2. I am grateful for all the teachings and guidance i am receiving - I realize that all this suffering will make me wiser and stronger and it will make my life more amazing than ever when i finally come out of the other side. I am blessed for all the people in my life who have been guiding me - especially my beautiful heart for keeping me on the path of strength and healing.

 

3. I am grateful to be alive and a part of this incredible journey called life - with all it's ups and downs, and I know that through this darkness, brighter days will follow - there can be no stars without the darkness... and i realize that the darkness i am going through today, will help me see the millions of stars that i have within me.

 

 

 

Good luck - and much love.

 

p.s his videos have helped me a lot - i watch them in teh morning and at night before bed:

 

 

 

[BC1980]

That's great advice. Some good advice I read is "nature abhors vaccum." You have to replace the thoughts of the ex with positive thoughts. It doesn't work to try to ignore it. Journal and figure out why you are thinking negative thoughts, and figure out what you can do to avoids this a problem in the future. Doing so puts a hopeful and positive spin on the inevitable thoughts.

[Zapbasket]

GC, K has catalyzed a process for you that is going to take you to a much, much, much better place in your life. Trust that. KNOW it to be true. You WILL find your happiness.

 

I really, really hope so; I have to trust that this is the case. All this that the breakup with K. catalyzed encompasses much, much more than K., or even romantic relationships. I think it's why I have felt overwhelmed so frequently in this process. My whole life has seemed like an utter mess and at the darkest times I've wondered, "How on earth can I ever work through this?" But I am truly beginning to see glimmers of genuine progress.

 

I say this gently, but you need to hear it: this is a boundary violation on YOUR part. It is emphatically not your role, job, or responsibility to make him do ANYTHING, including look at himself or become a better man. Same is true of my hubby, by the way. These men are full-fledged adults and THEY get to decide what they spend their time, thoughts, and energy on, whether that's self-improvement or picking boogers. What I finally learned to do is to pick a man whose self-directed choices about how he spends his time, thoughts, and energy, match up well with my own.

 

Exactly. I have come to realize this. I don't identify with that part of the "codependency" definition that says a codependent WANTS someone they can "fix," because I experience a deep emptiness and disappointment when I find that someone has a major character flaw (higher-than-normal levels of narcissism in all of my exes; non-communicativeness with #1; full-blown NPD with #2; high irritability with #3) that I KNOW will make the relationship at best a difficult one for me, most likely an unhappy one. But rather than bow out, I have tried to cajole them into changing. With every ex, too, they said, prior to any input from me, that they WANTED to change this aspect of themselves (not the narcissism because all but #2, whose profession, irony would have it, was as an internationally recognized expert on personality disorders!, were blind to this)...and I stupidly thought I was supporting them in what THEY wanted to change. Instead, they just wound up resenting me, and I wound up constantly feeling frustrated and unfulfilled by the relationship.

 

I think I recognize this pattern well enough that I won't repeat it again.

 

I will admit I am curious about how E's marriage is going and how his daughter is doing, but it's morbid curiosity at this point, not a painful ruminating, and certainly with no wistful "what if's."

 

Just to play devil's advocate...what if you did a little sleuthing (and given you have mutual friends, it wouldn't be so hard), and found out that in fact E's marriage was great? That he finally had some epiphany that drove him into therapy to become more communicative? That _____ thing or things you envisioned having with him at the relationship's height, he now has with his current wife? I ask this of course not to be provocative, but because this right now is MY fear and you perhaps have a different perspective, being in a happy relationship and having "completed" the process I'm in the midst of.

[Zapbasket]

My problem - and your problem - is that we treated major character flaws / incompatibilities as though they were much more minor negatives that could be weighed against the good stuff and the good stuff still came out on top (despite the fact that our niggling inner voices were screaming at us!).

 

The reality is that K's negative qualities are deal killers for you, and you need to stop confusing yourself by focusing on the good. Who cares about the good stuff? Hitler probably had good qualities. The bad stuff is what was killing you. The bad stuff is what I learned to put all of my attention and energy on.

 

I get you here. You are exactly right, as is BC1980 and anemptycup. I've pinpointed three points that are keeping me in turmoil, and maybe if I air them here and solicit feedback it will be another step toward minimizing them and keeping the focus on ME. Here they are:

 

1. It has been 10 months, 8 since our final email exchange. We've had zero contact, nor have we even seen each other (thank God) except passing each other in our vehicles. Clearly he does not intend to contact me; clearly he is not missing me otherwise he'd have reached out. He was and is DONE, and I suspect his summarizing of the relationship is, "We fought all the time." I am stuck on this gut feeling that we had more of a bond--something that can't be categorized as "romantic," or that precedes a romantic connection. I guess I can't quite accept, yet, that we really are not going to be in each others' lives meaningfully again; I just felt there was more there that is a deep shame to throw away. I have a hard time believing that he doesn't struggle with this, too. Perhaps it is ego talking. But nevertheless, it niggles me daily.

 

2. Because he cancelled therapy for good literally the day after emailing me to completely sever our relationship, it seems he felt that his only "problem" was the relationship itself, and once rid of it, he eradicated his biggest problem. His ACTIONS were to quit therapy. His WORDS, in the email to me, were, "My focus right now is trying to figure out what is tripping me up. It's clear that something, perhaps many things, are keeping me restrained. And to be true to me, and also you, I need to focus on myself. It's a hard truth to face as a 38-year-old male." He was quite distraught over where he was in his life and broke down hard when a college buddy of his said, "Dude, what happened to you? You used to be an inspiration to me." So for him to write that to me, and then abruptly quit going to therapy (and he never resumed) just really confuses me. I feel lied to. It makes it even more confusing why he is so clear he wants nothing to do with me, and now, why he's on dating sites if he hasn't solved his original problem. I wish it didn't matter to me, but it does, because it makes what should be clear, even more confusing.

 

3. This weekend, he and his family are out of town at a family member's wedding. He and his family live right down the road from me. I cannot express the RELIEF I feel at them all being gone from the area. In fact, as soon as I write this post I am going to go out for breakfast at a place right by where we both live, sit outside and read the paper, for the first time blissfully free of the fear of encountering him or being seen by him. I just don't need to worry what he's up to; his moved-on-from-me life is not right there in my face. The difference is huge, and I think how much easier it would be for me if he could just move from the area like he'd talked about doing. It makes me realize how oppressed I feel by his closeness. I would move to another part of town and have looked into it, but I have an incredible place to live, for a much lower rent than I could find elsewhere here. I truly love my home and it makes no practical sense to move, and might complicate my life in other ways if I do. But I do think the proximity of him and his family to me makes it harder for me to emotionally move away from him. I'm just not sure how to handle this piece of things.

 

So these are the three things that stick me most. I trust that in time, their hold will wane. But any perspective anyone can give that might help me along that path would be appreciated. Sometimes especially #2 overwhelms me and I feel very sad and small. I know it's time I reclaim my power and firmly step away from this whole mess. I just am trying to figure out HOW.

[elseaacych]

Hi GC: I think you are giving your ex a little too much credit. He doesn't seem like the type of person who's very self aware, which will, in the long term be detrimental to any relationship he's in.

 

When you fall in love, the world suddenly seems easier to bear. You have renewed confidence that you are a pretty awesome individual because someone has seen some good qualities in you that make you "good enough" to fall in love with. On the scientific level, your brain is releasing all of these feel good chemicals that make you "feel" as though everything is okay. Because everything is feeling okay, you don't feel as though you need to change because this new lover loves all the qualities you have. (They're getting a healthy dose of the feel good chemicals too, so they are "blind" to any glaring faults.)

 

For example, my last relationship. My ex was good to me while he loved me, but to others especially those he detested, he was an insufferable know-it-all jerk. I ignored this for a good part of the relationship. But came to accept it.

 

Then he broke up with me. I was devastated when he found a new girlfriend shortly soon thereafter. (Someone he met shortly before the breakup.) It wasn't fair that he got to be happy while I had "nothing". Everything suddenly seemed to be going right for him. He had a new girlfriend, he had a new hobby that seemed to be rather lucrative, he was going to go to travel. I was doing my own thing, but not too well, and had a few suitors, but none I was interested in.

 

But here's the kicker. He has not changed. How do I know? He lived in a fraternity house with my younger brother on the same floor. And for the past few months he has just been an insufferable ass to my younger brother. He treated my younger brother exactly the same as I saw him treat others he disliked, while he was in a relationship with me. I just turned a blind eye to it, because I was in love with him. (The one time I did call him out on his bad behavior was three years in, once the blinders were off, and from there, everything unravelled.)

 

HOW COULD HE ACT LIKE THIS AND HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?

 

Simple. Those feel good chemicals that come from being in love validate his behavior. I honestly do not think that this new girlfriend is "policing" his behavior so to say, (and it isn't her job), she's just reveling in the feeling of being infatuatedly in love. Where everything is peachy-keen.

 

I don't know if this example is illustrative to you or not. But when you are in new-love you are hardly introspective.

 

Falling in love with someone is not an automatic fix to personality flaws if you are not self aware enough to want to change for your own sake, and this change will likely not happen in the throes of a new relationship.

[Zapbasket]

So are you saying that's why he's not likely to change NOW, or that's why, as long as I was with him and there was some good in our relationship (even though I, wrongfully, was constantly calling him out on his bad behavior) he couldn't manage to change / felt no incentive to change while in the relationship with me?

 

As an aside, I'm really sorry your brother has to contend with this jerky ex of yours. I hope he punches the guy for the both of you.

[elseaacych]

What I am saying, albeit very badly, is that it's very hard for someone to effectuate a change unless they see something in it for themselves, so to some extent, yes and yes.

 

While you may have been suggesting to your ex that he should change his "bad behaviors", he had no self determination to actually follow through because he didn't see anything in it for him. This is no fault of yours. That being said, YOU have to learn to pick your battles.

 

People, absent some earth shattering circumstances, tend to be set in their ways. For dumpers, breakups generally are NOT earth shattering. If your ex is able to move onto a new relationship quickly, he likely hasn't had any stark epiphanies that will spur him to be a better person: and the novelty of a new relationship will likely override any of these epiphanies. For some people, love is not that big of a motivator, and a new person may not change their outlook.

 

The only way I could see your ex "changing" is in the long term (more than a year or two): if he doesn't have success out in the dating world, or he himself goes through a traumatic breakup, and then actually has to ask himself the hard questions that you're having to ask yourself now, because he now has the motivation to ask these hard questions. But you likely will have little part in this, because you will have been absent for a long time.

 

I assure you, GC, you did have a positive impact on his life, but you have to accept that your time is done. This is a great thing for you, because your relationship seemed unbalanced, and you probably did a lot more for him than he did for you, but he was too oblivious to realize it. You need someone who appreciates you for what you can bring to the relationship, and has similar motivations and dreams. That way, you won't feel the need to "change" them. True relationship fulfillment comes from two complete individuals coming together in unity. You can only be responsible for you.

[sunshinegirl]

Just to play devil's advocate...what if you did a little sleuthing (and given you have mutual friends, it wouldn't be so hard), and found out that in fact E's marriage was great? That he finally had some epiphany that drove him into therapy to become more communicative? That _____ thing or things you envisioned having with him at the relationship's height, he now has with his current wife? I ask this of course not to be provocative, but because this right now is MY fear and you perhaps have a different perspective, being in a happy relationship and having "completed" the process I'm in the midst of.

 

If E's marriage was great, I'd say "Good for them!" and within 5 minutes I'd have forgotten about it. I would probably wonder what catalyzed his growth, but that's about it.

 

E is irrelevant to my life. My happiness doesn't hinge on his (un)happiness, I didn't choose DH or my current life as some sort of pale consolation prize, and there is nothing I could learn about E that would make me wish my life was different than it is today. My family is lazing about in bed this morning, DH introducing our 2-year old to the (apparently stoner classic) Bob Ross "The Joy of Painting" show while Baby #2 is kicking me in the ribs. I couldn't be happier.

 

GC, you have to trust that you can, and will, get over K entirely. You're not going to live your life with an underlying current of regret and wistfulness, or feel like K was "the one who got away."

Edited June 15, 2014 by sunshinegirl

[sunshinegirl]

1. It has been 10 months, 8 since our final email exchange. We've had zero contact, nor have we even seen each other (thank God) except passing each other in our vehicles. Clearly he does not intend to contact me; clearly he is not missing me otherwise he'd have reached out. He was and is DONE, and I suspect his summarizing of the relationship is, "We fought all the time." I am stuck on this gut feeling that we had more of a bond--something that can't be categorized as "romantic," or that precedes a romantic connection. I guess I can't quite accept, yet, that we really are not going to be in each others' lives meaningfully again; I just felt there was more there that is a deep shame to throw away. I have a hard time believing that he doesn't struggle with this, too. Perhaps it is ego talking. But nevertheless, it niggles me daily.

 

This is the normal tough stuff of transitioning from being intimates to being strangers. I went through it 4 times before DH. You will eventually be able to accept it, even though it may also feel strange to have known this person so well at one point in time whereas today they might as well be dead they are so absent from your life. That's just a normal human experience.

 

2. Because he cancelled therapy for good literally the day after emailing me to completely sever our relationship, it seems he felt that his only "problem" was the relationship itself, and once rid of it, he eradicated his biggest problem. His ACTIONS were to quit therapy. His WORDS, in the email to me, were, "My focus right now is trying to figure out what is tripping me up. It's clear that something, perhaps many things, are keeping me restrained. And to be true to me, and also you, I need to focus on myself. It's a hard truth to face as a 38-year-old male." He was quite distraught over where he was in his life and broke down hard when a college buddy of his said, "Dude, what happened to you? You used to be an inspiration to me." So for him to write that to me, and then abruptly quit going to therapy (and he never resumed) just really confuses me. I feel lied to. It makes it even more confusing why he is so clear he wants nothing to do with me, and now, why he's on dating sites if he hasn't solved his original problem. I wish it didn't matter to me, but it does, because it makes what should be clear, even more confusing.

 

You should have seen E. the day he broke up with me. I've never seen him cry like that, admit he's all messed up, admit he did me wrong, tell me he's confused and that he'll finally call a therapist. Wow!!! He was finally having his epiphany, realizing what he's throwing away!!!

 

Guess what? He slept with the other woman 24 hours later and he never looked back. My best guess is that he was either saying whatever he needed to to try to blunt the breakup blow to me, or maybe at some surface level he did agree he needed help, but in the vein of people who say stuff like, "Yeah, I really watch too much TV!" with no intention whatsoever of actually making a change.

 

It's not that confusing when you remind yourself that talk really is cheap, GC. A lot of people say things they don't mean.