Roomate boyfriend issues - mentioned it, but made things worse?

[Keira1231]

OK so I have posted on here about my dating problems and how down they have gotten me pretty down. This week things ended with a guy I'd been dating for over a month, which I thought had been going well.

 

Trouble is, my flatmate has started seeing a guy who keeps coming over. What makes it worse is that we live in a pretty small flat, so it's very contained and there isn't much soundproofing. Basically, it's driving me crazy, to an extent which I know must be slightly unreasonable.

 

What makes it worse, is that I have been in this situation previously. I had experienced a breakup which really hurt me, and I had to live with basically two other couples, those flatmates essentially ditched me for their boyfriends. It was a pretty awful experience, I felt so isolated and was constantly having their happy relationships flaunted in my face.

 

So anyway, our flat is small and my room is in the center. Being not very soundproof, I can hear everything. If they are talking etc etc, I hear it and it has kept me awake.

 

For the past couple of weeks he has been at ours 2-3 nights a week. She has been dating him for a couple of months.

 

At the moment I am under pressure from work, as I have to study for some exams. She knows this.

 

Her and her boyfriend stay up pretty late, and because the noise keeps me up, I'm forced to stay awake too. He called her up drunk over the weekend at 4am, and just her talking on the phone woke me up, and threw off my whole day due to lack of sleep.

 

She knows it's causing a problem - she came to me and asked if she had been too loud. Technically she hasn't been very loud, but she knows it's disrupting me. She acted guilty afterwards, buying me treats for example and avoiding me, instead of making sure to stay quiet after a certain hour. I should have mentioned to her then, but her boyfriend was there and I hate! confrontation. She knows what she's doing, she knows its upsetting me, but she's continuing it anyway. I really hate being put in a position where I have to point out to people what they already know.

 

So this has added to my resentment. Most recently I'd been having a particularly down day. She had seen I was upset and very quiet during the day. I very very rarely ever get this way, as I am normally a very upbeat person. So the last thing I want is her and her boyfriend coming back. I don't want to be rude or make him uncomfortable, but I am just not in the mood to make pleasant chit chat when I am in one of these dark moods.

 

Our flat is open plan and they both kinda hover over me, he has made himself very comfortable, feeling free to browse inside our fridge for example and make himself at home.

 

I'm lying on the sofa feeling miserable and just want to be left alone. I know that if I relinquish the TV to them, they'll stay up and the noise will keep me up.

 

When I moved in we were both single, we went out all the time and did a lot together. Since she has started seeing him regularly, she makes plans with him instead, and invites him to things we are doing with our friends, which has added to my resentment.

 

Honestly, I don't think I am in a place right now where I can confront her. I don't suffer from depression per se, but I am not myself at the moment at all. I don't think I'm in a place where I can be rational and reasonable.

 

I am trying to give her hints. For example, when she wakes me up I will play the TV in my room (not loud), since our walls are so thin, she can hear it, so she knows I've been woken up.

 

So my question is this; based on the above information, am I overreacting and to what extent? What is reasonable where flatmate's boyfriends' are concerned?

 

He lives with his parents quite a distance from where we live, so she never goes to his because she doesn't want to meet his parents yet and because of the inconvenience, so that's not likely to alleviate any of my issues.

[preraph]

Look, she gave you a chance to tell her to peel it back and you didn't because you're afraid of confrontation. You are always going to have problems like this until you stop being afraid to voice your issues. You will never be able to have a marriage until you learn to communicate and clear up matters. You need to stop being like that and say something like, You know that day you asked if this was bothering me? Well, I really didn't want to say anything because I value you as a roommate, but since you asked, Yes, I really am having trouble functioning in this busy of a household. I can hear it if someone gets a phone call late at night and it wakes me up and keeps me up.

 

Then maybe think about whether to limit boyfriend and guest visits to the weekend and not on a night there's work or school the next day. You've got to speak up. She can't be blamed for this. She probably thinks it's not bothering you at all.

[Keira1231]

Look, she gave you a chance to tell her to peel it back and you didn't because you're afraid of confrontation. You are always going to have problems like this until you stop being afraid to voice your issues. You will never be able to have a marriage until you learn to communicate and clear up matters. You need to stop being like that and say something like, You know that day you asked if this was bothering me? Well, I really didn't want to say anything because I value you as a roommate, but since you asked, Yes, I really am having trouble functioning in this busy of a household. I can hear it if someone gets a phone call late at night and it wakes me up and keeps me up.

 

Then maybe think about whether to limit boyfriend and guest visits to the weekend and not on a night there's work or school the next day. You've got to speak up. She can't be blamed for this. She probably thinks it's not bothering you at all.

 

I realize I need to bring it up at some point, but I don't trust myself right now.

 

and trust me, she knows it's bothering me. Maybe she doesn't realize the extent, but she is aware.

[preraph]

If you're saying it's not, she cannot be faulted for thinking you're okay with it, no matter what. I have a feeling what you do it wait until you're ready to blow up and then it all goes downhill. So calm down and own your part in this. You have to object to the small things when they first start in order to keep them from snowballing into big things. Like if they're loud in the middle of the night, you yell, "I can hear you and I have to get up in the morning. Thank you."

[privategal]

Get a white noise machine...they are easy to find at Amazon or bed bath and beyond.

They play rain or ocean or just blank noise to block out background noise.

You can make it a goal to become financially stable enough to live on your own.

Breakups and dating issues are hard but love and men do not define happiness or your life.

If you had a boyfriend and your roomate had a breakup your world or happiness with your relationship wouldn't stop so neither should theirs. Stop comparing your self.

Go to the bookstore or library with your lap top. Start taking action for yourself and your peace and quiet if you need it.

Stop basing all your happiness on men.

Work on you and love will find you when you are in a better spot.

You wont be ready for true happiness with aanother anyways. A partner is there to compiment your life not complete it or fill a void. You need something all your own to bring to the table. Your own strengths, hobbies, interests etc.

Id say get comfortable being alone and stop bring annoyed by it and others happiness.

[Keira1231]

If you're saying it's not, she cannot be faulted for thinking you're okay with it, no matter what. I have a feeling what you do it wait until you're ready to blow up and then it all goes downhill. So calm down and own your part in this. You have to object to the small things when they first start in order to keep them from snowballing into big things. Like if they're loud in the middle of the night, you yell, "I can hear you and I have to get up in the morning. Thank you."

 

Yeh, I think it's best to draw a line under what has happened so far, and start acting on what happens going forward.

 

I will confront her, but I basically want an idea of what is reasonable.

 

I'm emotional right now and honestly, i'd rather he didn't come round at all. I know this is selfish, unrealistic and unreasonable, which is why I will bring things up with her when i'm less caught up in my emotions and can think about it logically.

 

I basically wanted some ideas of reasonable boundaries and requests.

[preraph]

Tell her you have to be able to get up in the morning and don't want overnight visitors on weekdays or workdays. Tell her you don't want another roommate and that having a male in the place means you can't get comfortable and take your clothes off, etc., so when he's there for more than long enough to pick her up, he needs to be out of the common areas entirely. She may get mad and move out, but fine. Or the two may gang up on you. If it's your apartment with your name on the lease, then let them go. If it's all of yours and they really give you a hard time, then tell them he's not paying rent and has to go. I had a landlord once that actually did me a favor by telling me my roommate who had a rowdy young guy around too much, had to go if it didn't stop. So you might even talk to your landlord about it and see if he'd impose some rules. Probably not, but you never know.

[basil67]

First, drop the word 'confront' from your vocabulary. It's a fighting word. You want to talk about it with her - not confront her.

 

Start by not imposing any rules. Instead, talk about how you're feeling and how their hours and noise is affecting you. You may well find that she will make changes without you having to come in with rules.

[privategal]

This all seems ridiculous. If you have roomates you have noise. That's the trade off.

So because you are having dating issues and upset, she can't enjoy normal time in her apartment with her boyfriend?

Be prepared to look like you have double standard's when you start dating a new guy and want to invite him over.

This is about jealousy.

I understand it hurts that shes happy and your feeling down but be reasonable and get a white noise machine to block out the NORMAL noise any roomates across the country have.

Its not a big deal its part of life.

I can hear my husbands shower, music, tv, phonecalls, loud traffic outside the window at times...life with another is noisy.

Don't be that roomate.

Relax and stop being so down about the dating issues and think positive.

[preraph]

^ I agree to an extent, but you shouldn't have to be disturbed my nonpaying roommates, which is what it amounts to if guests are there too much.

[VeveCakes]

Invest in earplugs. You shoukd have discussed bfs and boundaries before moving in. Too late for that now without looking bitter.

[privategal]

^ I agree to an extent, but you shouldn't have to be disturbed my nonpaying roommates, which is what it amounts to if guests are there too much.

 

 

I don't know about that, if OP was in a better place emotionally Im sure visits from friends and boyfriends would be ok, as Im sure it would also be ok if she herself had a boyfriend or friends.

Its very give and take and nothing stops her from moving home, or finding a new living situation but you cant expect a roommate to abide by your comfort level.

OP is not the roomates mother or guardian and it doesn't seem unreasonable for any roommate to have guests. Her own title suggests jealousy and in one of her paragraphs she states the happy relationship is thrown in her face.

 

 

This suggests its the annoyance that she herself is not in a happy romance right now, this is the true trouble. If you cant get a noise machine (mine was $18), or earplugs, then stop complaining, or change your living situation because the roommate deserves happiness in her life and not to be defined by OPs stress. She does not seem like an unreasonable or inconsiderate person. Paying half the rent does not gaurentee anything but room, kitchen, and bathroom to share.

The rest is defined by rolling with the punches and acting like an adult.

[Keira1231]

I don't know about that, if OP was in a better place emotionally Im sure visits from friends and boyfriends would be ok, as Im sure it would also be ok if she herself had a boyfriend or friends.

Its very give and take and nothing stops her from moving home, or finding a new living situation but you cant expect a roommate to abide by your comfort level.

OP is not the roomates mother or guardian and it doesn't seem unreasonable for any roommate to have guests. Her own title suggests jealousy and in one of her paragraphs she states the happy relationship is thrown in her face.

 

 

This suggests its the annoyance that she herself is not in a happy romance right now, this is the true trouble. If you cant get a noise machine (mine was $18), or earplugs, then stop complaining, or change your living situation because the roommate deserves happiness in her life and not to be defined by OPs stress. She does not seem like an unreasonable or inconsiderate person. Paying half the rent does not gaurentee anything but room, kitchen, and bathroom to share.

The rest is defined by rolling with the punches and acting like an adult.

 

Well if I was in a better place emotionally, I would be happier when he was around instead of finding it irritating.

 

But honestly, it's the noise that's the main issue.

 

I have let them both know I have an exam for work I am revising for in a few months. But for example, a few nights out they came in at 1am and woke me up by yelling in our tiny flat. She had gone to the bathroom and he started yelling to ask her a question. He continued to shout quite loudly in her room. I ended up with only a few hours sleep.

 

I do have earplugs, but these fall out during the night sometimes and in the case of the above, I hadn't put them in because i'd only gotten in at 11 myself and thought they would already be in bed.

 

i don't think a white noise machine will block out loud talking/yelling.

 

Also, she will leave for work in the morning and he will still be in her room. If I leave later than her for work, it makes me uncomfortable that 1.) I'm alone in the flat with essentially a stranger, and 2.)when I then leave for work, he's in our flat unattended.

 

Is it reasonable to ask she doesn't leave him alone in the flat?

[Keira1231]

This all seems ridiculous. If you have roomates you have noise. That's the trade off.

So because you are having dating issues and upset, she can't enjoy normal time in her apartment with her boyfriend?

Be prepared to look like you have double standard's when you start dating a new guy and want to invite him over.

This is about jealousy.

I understand it hurts that shes happy and your feeling down but be reasonable and get a white noise machine to block out the NORMAL noise any roomates across the country have.

Its not a big deal its part of life.

I can hear my husbands shower, music, tv, phonecalls, loud traffic outside the window at times...life with another is noisy.

Don't be that roomate.

Relax and stop being so down about the dating issues and think positive.

 

I think you've maybe misunderstand me a little. Yes my dating life has impacted on my attitude. Like I said, I'd rather he wasn't around ever. If my dating life was going fantastic, I wouldn't mind having him around sometimes, but I'd still have issues with the noise.

 

This isn't normal noise of people just clattering around in the kitchen or in the shower - I could live with that.

 

But it's very disruptive because;

 

1.) It's anticosical hours - most recently, woken up at 1am midweek.

2.) The flat is not very soundproof, and he has a loud speaking voice. I have heard my housemate "shush" him, because she knows this, but he continues to speak loudly and even yell.

 

Also, a few days without much sleep, and I feel really down. I get a really low mood when I have lack of sleep, compounded with working stress and dating life issues. I let her know that this was the case, that I was really tired and it was making me feel very unwell mentally.

[preraph]

They're not even trying to be considerate. He's loud and obnoxious and doesn't care if he bothers you. You've got to speak up. The fact you say she shushes him, well, you telling her he's waking you up will give her more ammo to tell him to shutup.

[Keira1231]

They're not even trying to be considerate. He's loud and obnoxious and doesn't care if he bothers you. You've got to speak up. The fact you say she shushes him, well, you telling her he's waking you up will give her more ammo to tell him to shutup.

 

I asked her about it and asked if she could request he keep his voice lower after 11pm. I said I didn't want them to feel they had to walk around on eggshells, but that the boyfriend was yelling at 12.30am and my earplugs wont block that out.

 

She was understanding, so lets hope it helps in future.

 

I hate having to nag and she already knew before i mentioned that he'd been waking me up, so fingers crossed.

[preraph]

Good for you! Sounds like you handled it well. Yeah, I don't like to have to nag in my own house. That's where I go to NOT nag. Probly why I never married....

[Keira1231]

I posted a week or so ago about my housemates new boyfriend and how this is changing the dynamic in our house (its just us two). Before the boyfriend came along, we got on really well, I became part of her friendship group etc.

 

The BF wasn't coming over often, but when he did it was very disruptive. He would be quite loud (unintentional, but a bit thoughtless as he was shouting at 1am in the morning). I have a lot of stress with work at the moment, and losing sleep (because of him being loud) was affecting me.

 

I was visiting home last week and I hadn't got a chance to see her to mention face to face. So I sent a quick text saying basically;

-Sorry I meant to speak to you, but would you mind asking [bF's name] to keep it down after around 11pm? I don't want you guys to feel like you have to walk on tiptoes here, he was yelling last time and my ear plugs can't block that out. etc etc.

 

She was very cordial and said something along the lines of "Of course no problem" and right enough, the next time he stayed over, I didn't hear a thing.

 

However the dynamic is changing quite a lot now and things have been a bit off...

 

I don't like the way she is around him . She gets very uptight, he'll come into ours in a mood and it's like shes tiptoeing around him to keep him happy. He's quite stingy and makes her pay for a lot. If he decides he's coming over to ours, its like she doesn't feel comfortable telling him if it's inconvenient for her.

 

Ever since he started coming round more and she was spending time with him, I'm spending more time with other friendship groups so I'm not sure if she's taken this badly.

 

But recently she's been out of the house most nights. She went to a mutual friend of ours for dinner but just rushed out and didn't ask if I wanted to go. When we are in at the same time, she stays in her room even when I'm in the communal area.

 

She's making an issue out of petty things which have never been brought up before - like not leaving unwashed cutlery in the sink (I'm not messy, but our kitchen space is small, so I usually set a cup or spoon in the sink until I get a chance to wash it,so as to save counter space).

 

A mutual friend had a birthday. I text and asked what the plans for it where, Housemate never replied so I assumed the friend had decided they didn't want to do anything. She came over to me and asked if I was going out for it with a few hours notice - when I asked what was happening, she was very short with me and said she didn't know.

 

Neither of us are good at "talking" about things like this. I don't think she would tell me what was up if I asked her.

 

I am behaving as normal - I spend time in the communal area and I'm friendly and upbeat around her. So I can only assume she's behaving weird because of one of the following reasons;

1. She resents me for speaking out about the boyfriend.

2. She is annoyed I am spending more time with other friends (Although I am still making plans to do stuff with her).

3. There is something else going out and it's coincidence that it's happened right after I spoke about issues with her boyfriend. She sometimes does go into moods for no reason, but she's never been this mean/rude before.

 

Given that she's being so short with me, and neither of us are spending much time at the house, any tips on how to survive the weirdness until things improve?

[preraph]

Since you see she has issues telling her bf no to anything, yes, bringing it up has put her in an uncomfortable position -- and one she needs to get over! If she can't set any boundaries or limits on a man, then she's really not mature enough to have a relationship. If she even brought it up about toning it down to him, he probably had a childish fit about it and now she's in between a rock and a hard place. Just keep your cool and let her work through it herself. Don't go backpeddling or anything. Just be your old friendly self and don't worry if she does or doesn't go with you someplace. She can ask too. Stop blaming yourself.

 

Now you just need to be friendly and polite to all concerned and wait and see if she deals with the problem without getting involved in that end of it. If she doesn't, you bring it up again, but don't get involved. Just say, "Your bf woke me up again. Can you please fix this?" Then get out of the way and put it on her to deal with it.

[CC12]

Given that she's being so short with me, and neither of us are spending much time at the house, any tips on how to survive the weirdness until things improve?

 

You could just ask her if there's anything that's bothering her. Maybe you've done something to offend her, or maybe the little things she's griping about (like leaving dirty dishes in the sink) have built up and she's pissed about it. Who knows. Ask her what's up.