Can sibling relationship survive cutting contact with mother

[Emilia]

I'm on my way back to London this evening, my sister threw me out. She tried to take it back but I know she did this because I cut contact with our mother back in July. I don't talk about it with anyone because it's how I deal with traumatic stuff but also because I knew she wouldn't get it and she doesn't. She was always the favourite so her upbringing was different from mine. I certainly don't wish she had experienced the same coldness that I did from our primary carer. Our father left when I was 7 and now I understand that my mother completely destroyed his self esteem.

 

I realised when I cut my mother off that most likely this would affect my relationship with my sister.

 

My question is, have you ever cut contact with a parent and had a sibling relationship survive with the one who had a close relationship with said parent? I think my sister loves me but I also think she is taking our mother's side. I don't mention our mother on purpose, I never asked her to take my side. Partly because I don't think she would get it and she would just get upset.

[bathtub-row]

I'm not sure I can answer your question but I think that anytime any of us make hard decisions - even when others oppose us for those decisions - we have to stay true to ourselves and wait to see if time changes things. You can't give up your convictions. If your sister won't even listen to your point of view, you may have to accept that she may be just like your mother.

 

Stay strong and stay firm in what you believe in. The truth is, it's probably not possible to go back to the old way. One thing you might try is writing a letter or email to your sister. Don't send it right away. Give yourself time to think it through and then send it. That way, your sister will know that if she ever changes her mind, she can reach out to you. I hope this helps.

[Tayla]

good advice from bath.

 

Yes its possible to mend when sibling view points are conveyed.

 

I would suggest getting feedback from someone who has no bone in this rift , that knows you. Sometimes a good friend can see the situation and guide you.

 

I am 100% sure that the principles you stand upon today will change in ten years ... Thats the neat thing about life... change is inevitable.

[Emilia]

Thank you for the kind words.

 

When I left her flat, we parted on civilised terms, in theory we are on speaking terms, I'm not hurt or offended.

 

What I'm struggling with is that she clearly has an issue with the fact that I stopped talking to our mother. The tantrum she threw was very much how our mother behaves. She started to throw things around including a knife and at one point I had to physically restrain her. I think what is in the background is that she has trouble with the family dynamic, she doesn't know how to discuss or change things she doesn't like. She doesn't have the ability to see where it has all come from. She is in a co-dependent relationship where she treats her boyfriend like a child. She frets over the smallest thing like unplugging ALL electric appliances every morning and every night. She is a complete slave to fear and anxiety.

 

The thing is, since I stopped talking to our mother, I've come leaps and bounds when it comes to enforcing boundaries, re-adjusting my interpersonal relationships, changing how I view myself. I won't go back to speaking to my mother, as far as I'm concerned that's all in the past. If my sister can't accept it because she isn't willing to face the way our upbringing affected her, we may need to part ways because I won't be dragged back down.

 

I can't ask anyone. Both my sister and I live away from our home country, no-one knows my mother here. I'm not sure I'd trust anyone else's opinion anyway as those that see her how she is, don't speak to any of us anymore.

[amaysngrace]

You have to do what's right for you. You don't need to be assaulted by having things thrown at you. Really this has nothing to do with her so her taking it so personally is her problem.

 

Did she at least apologize to you?

 

I'm sorry Em. It must be difficult.

[Emilia]

It isn't difficult, I've been prepared for this. I've been cutting people out of my life over the last few months so I know this is a bumpy road. I asked her not to apologise

 

She isn't like this 99.99% of the time but you are right that it has nothing to do with her. She doesn't see it that way though, she was raised without proper boundaries like I was and she doesn't have loveshack to learn from others' perspectives.

 

I will try to explain to her that it has nothing to do with her but I think I'll fail because she won't want to face the amount of work she would have to do on herself to undo the damage. Her business.

 

Thanks amay, I knew you would get it.

[Emilia]

I suppose I started thinking I would perhaps lose contact with her when her reaction to my NC with our mother was 'well you will have to talk to her eventually, I won't be going back and forth between you'. I never asked. The whole point of NC is to have zero contact. The only thing I said was that she should tell me if money was needed because obviously the idea isn't that my sister would carry the financial burden. I'd handle that through a solicitor if needed.

[amaysngrace]

Your sister may get angry and resentful of you if your mum needs care and you don't help. She will need a break from time to time if it comes to that.

 

Is there a plan in place so that it doesn't all fall on your sister's shoulders because I can see your relationship deteriorating over that because that will be about her.

[Emilia]

I wouldn't blame her either, why should it be her problem only. I made it clear to her - hopefully - that I don't expect it to be her problem.

 

I have a plan but she doesn't, she never does for anything. Our mother is only 64 and she is in robust health (I used to make her walk rather than drive everywhere) and she isn't overweight. Because she is deluded in terms of her real financial status, I've already had to help her out a couple of times and I've given her all my assets in my home country as the price of her leaving me alone and not bothering me anymore. In theory that would mean my financial contribution should be done but she is probably already burning through the money and isn't saving.

 

My sister has just sold the flat my mother had given her and partially refurbished (some of that from the money I gave her for her retirement) and she isn't giving any money to my mother to reimburse some of her costs.

 

I think the above could allow me to wash my hands off the whole thing, however my plan is to pay towards a good quality carer/care home in my home country when my mother ends up needing it. Will be prepared to pay 50% to the carer/care home directly.

 

If my sister decides to take my mother in/move back to our home country/etc, that will be on her. She will struggle with the financial aspect of it but she is with her partner, they live on two wages, he is useless when it comes to money too (doesn't save) but I fail to see why that's my problem.

 

Does anyone see an issue with the above view please.

[amaysngrace]

No I think you've gone above and beyond to take care of any responsibility that a daughter should have to do for a parent who has caused so much pain to her child.

 

I think you've done so much more than most would do and that's to be commended.

 

Yes. Any bad feelings towards you from your sister is her problem. I hope that she gets the help she needs to maintain a healthy relationship with you 100%.

 

Very proud of you!!

[Emilia]

Thanks amay it means a lot because I know you would tell me if you didn't agree and that you have the life experience for different perspectives.

 

Until now I'd go and stay at my sister's place for the weekend, she moved to a smaller town out of London. Maybe a whole weekend is too much. I'm going to change that to daytrips. I'm going to let her take the first one (she hardly comes to London even though it's only 1.5 hours by train) and I'll visit her as daytrips after. She clearly has trouble expressing how she feels and I think spending shorter time together will help. I'll be able to watch what I say or do as well. I can see how the dynamic is too much for a whole weekend if she feels powerless. Even though I can't empower her myself, obviously.

[MissCongeniality]

My foster siblings and I are very close so yes a sibling relationship can survive it. Then again we all had the same experiences growing up. The point is just say "Look your my sister I love you what's going on with Mom has nothing to do with you. So let's not let it affect us okay?" You shouldn't even be fighting she should recognize and accept that your relationship with your mom is and will always be different.

 

Again just say you want to make peace with her and that no matter what nothing will change that you are family. Nothing worth fighting for ever came without effort.

[Emilia]

My foster siblings and I are very close so yes a sibling relationship can survive it. Then again we all had the same experiences growing up. The point is just say "Look your my sister I love you what's going on with Mom has nothing to do with you. So let's not let it affect us okay?" You shouldn't even be fighting she should recognize and accept that your relationship with your mom is and will always be different.

 

Again just say you want to make peace with her and that no matter what nothing will change that you are family. Nothing worth fighting for ever came without effort.

 

Thank you.

 

You and amay are saying the same thing that this should have nothing to do with her. She will have to learn to disengage her codependence, the same way as I had to learn it. Our parents involved us in their most difficult battles since a young age, hence the boundary issues. I see how she is with her boyfriend, completely mothering him, it will be hard for her to understand but I'll try. I'll be speaking to her later in the week.

[MissCongeniality]

Thank you.

 

You and amay are saying the same thing that this should have nothing to do with her. She will have to learn to disengage her codependence, the same way as I had to learn it. Our parents involved us in their most difficult battles since a young age, hence the boundary issues. I see how she is with her boyfriend, completely mothering him, it will be hard for her to understand but I'll try. I'll be speaking to her later in the week.

I hope all goes well.

[DrMario]

I cut contact with my Granddad, on the surface he appears like a lovely well meaning man, deep down inside he is as nasty as they come, I have my reasons for having nothing to do with him, however, my sister is very close to him so like you, she struggles to understand my experience and gives me hell for it, currently my sister spends all her time with our grandad and has cut me off cold turkey, partly I feel because I just don't want to try anymore with him, I'll never get along with him after some of the things he's done, so no, sibling relationships don't always survive but from what I've learned, it's out of your hands and you need to do what you feel is best for yourself, everything else will fall into place if it's meant to.

[Emilia]

I cut contact with my Granddad, on the surface he appears like a lovely well meaning man, deep down inside he is as nasty as they come, I have my reasons for having nothing to do with him, however, my sister is very close to him so like you, she struggles to understand my experience and gives me hell for it, currently my sister spends all her time with our grandad and has cut me off cold turkey, partly I feel because I just don't want to try anymore with him, I'll never get along with him after some of the things he's done, so no, sibling relationships don't always survive but from what I've learned, it's out of your hands and you need to do what you feel is best for yourself, everything else will fall into place if it's meant to.

 

It's odd to me when someone is closer to a grandparent than to immediate family like a parent or a sibling. I know it happens when parents are abusive and that makes complete sense but otherwise I don't get it

[DrMario]

It's odd to me when someone is closer to a grandparent than to immediate family like a parent or a sibling. I know it happens when parents are abusive and that makes complete sense but otherwise I don't get it

 

Yeah I don't really understand it myself, at times in my life my sister has been the person I've been closest to, however in recent times, I've more or less been put on the back burners and become less of a priority to her, and now I'm no priority at all as she's cut me off and has nothing to do with me, almost as if she's silently taken sides, it hurt like hell at first but as time has gone by I wouldn't mind if I ever heard from either of them again, it's really sad when a sibling feels this is the right path to take but it is what it is, best just to leave them to it and let them make their own way back.

[dreamingoftigers]

It's odd to me when someone is closer to a grandparent than to immediate family like a parent or a sibling. I know it happens when parents are abusive and that makes complete sense but otherwise I don't get it

 

I've noticed that in highly dysfunctional or broken families that the kids rarely get along.

 

My husband and his sister don't speak

But not out of anger or bitterness. They simply didn't have the skill set to bond and forge out a sibling relationship.

 

I've spoken more with his sister since we've been married and I've only seen her a small handful or times.

[Emilia]

My sister and I were very close as kids. Then I came to the UK as a young adult, got married, etc and distance grew between the family and I. Then as I got divorced and my sister moved to the UK, we got close again. I suppose it's normal to have a bit of distance again.

[lifeisbeautiful]

When I cut things off from my parents my siblings took it as if I cut them out of my life too. I tried several times to mend the relationship but they always try to force me to talk to my mom and dad. They are both toxic people and they haven't seen that side of our parents. I'm the black sheep of the family and my parents were constantly letting me know how worthless I was. The verbal and physical abuse was the main reason I stopped talking to them. My siblings unfortunately will not have anything to do with me.

[Emilia]

When I cut things off from my parents my siblings took it as if I cut them out of my life too. I tried several times to mend the relationship but they always try to force me to talk to my mom and dad. They are both toxic people and they haven't seen that side of our parents. I'm the black sheep of the family and my parents were constantly letting me know how worthless I was. The verbal and physical abuse was the main reason I stopped talking to them. My siblings unfortunately will not have anything to do with me.

 

I am very sorry to hear of your pain. Have you been able to talk to friends about it?

 

My sister and I have made amends. We have agreed to talk more and spend shorter time together. She is hurt by the rift in the family, she is struggling with the dichotomy.

[Emilia]

Update: haven't spoken with my sister since I last posted and I don't miss her. We had been speaking less and less gradually before the argument, she moved to another city, she doesn't come to London much, I had been doing 90% of the travelling. She sent me a text the night before she came to town but I was already doing something else, that something else got cancelled but I didn't feel like letting her know and meeting up anyways.

 

I could call her but I'm not sure what I'd say. I don't miss my family, I feel much better not playing the blacksheep role that had been assigned to me as a kid. I've made a lot of progress, rebuilding my social circle, relating to people in a much more positive way, not being so self critical, not accepting people who are excessively critical, making apologies to a couple of people I had been excessively critical to.

 

It's weird because moving on has happened so fast.

[shoplocal]

I've noticed that in highly dysfunctional or broken families that the kids rarely get along.

 

My husband and his sister don't speak

But not out of anger or bitterness. They simply didn't have the skill set to bond and forge out a sibling relationship.

 

I've spoken more with his sister since we've been married and I've only seen her a small handful or times.

 

This is so true!!! Saddest thing in the world.

[RedPressST]

My sister cut contact with my mother about a year ago. Both were going through individual, unrelated stress in their own lives. I was born to a young mother and my sister followed a few years later, when we were still very young, my father decided drugs were more important and disappeared. Our upbringing was pretty bad, our mother is not a "natural" at motherly things, and she was also very stressed and likely depressed for most of our childhood. She didn't handle it well, and my sister and I bounced around different family member's homes. Physically and educationally, we got what we needed as children; however, emotionally, we were neglected and often felt resented by not only our own biological parents, but also the various family members who felt obligated to pay and care for us... With our (much younger) siblings, I think our mother is a great example to other mothers. She's grown, matured, experienced, financially stable and happily remarried. I see my mother now with my brother and am glad they're around and she does better with them. My sister lives farther away, visits less often, and resents my mother for how she and I grew up.

 

When my sister cut contact, I initially thought she was being a total brat, immature, and selfish. It took me a few months to get back in regular contact with her, and we still struggle to communicate regularly like we used to, but I do try and sometimes she tries too...

 

It may take a while for your sibling(s) to get over the initial shock, but keep communication open (ask about her day, what's new, etc) and eventually maybe the two of you can either come to the understanding you don't want to hear about or from your parent, or work something out where you can talk to her even though she initially became upset and acted out.

[Emilia]

Thanks RedPress. I'm open and keep thinking about contacting her too but not just yet. I think I'll give it a little while longer.

 

She definitely thinks that I'm a brat but I am tired that it's the category I had carried all my life until now. It wouldn't matter but until recently I believed it and I realised how comfortable it was for my mother and my sister to look down on me as the difficult thick one (I did badly at secondary school, now I know how little support there was) and the truth is, they don't like it that I have proved them wrong.

 

My mother talks very viciously about others behind their back (again, now I know it's called Triangulation) and we had clashes in the past when I asked her to stop but I know my sister allowed it to continue without challenge. Not because she liked it but because it's easier.

 

My sister isn't talking to me because my cutting contact with our mother reminds her some very uncomfortable truths - like how she destroyed our father - and I think until she gets ready to deal with that, she will struggle.

 

I think she doesn't want to accept and grow because making changes is hard. She wants comfort and denial, which I can't offer. Not because I want to talk about it (far from it) but because I'm not putting up with the old dynamics.