Perplexed

[centauro]

Hi, I need advice!!!!please!!

 

I do not know how to handle this situation, and need an unbiased opinion........I have a friend that I have known for 16 years. We were extremely close after we first met, and that lasted about a year, then i moved away to attend college in another city.

 

We still kept in regular contact even after i moved, and when i landed a job in a major city in another state, we still remained in regular contact.

 

Well, i moved back to my hometown three years ago and this person became very distant, not returning phone calls, not answering the phone.....this went on for about a year, then i got tired of feeling rejected and wrote a long letter, explaining how i felt about the situation. This person was one of the very few people that knew EVERYTHING about me, and i felt let down, and told them so.

 

After two years of no contact whatsoever ( I basically ended the friendship )I ran into him at the store unexpectedly, i said hello and we started talking......that was about a month ago, i went over to his place and showed him pictures of my vacation overseas, and he said the reason that he basically rejected me was because i had a drinking problem (I have since stopped drinking totally).......well, thats understandable i guess, even though there was never and serious problems between us when i drank......to make a long story short, i explained to him that i had stopped drinking for two years, and we kinda made a mutual decision to become friends again, but now, he is pulling the same old crap as before.......not answering the phone, not returning calls, or email.........i`m confused and hurt by his behavior.....should i just ignore the whole thing and wait for him to come around, or tell him our friendship is over a second time??.......help!!!!

[Tony T]

This friendship seems to be very important to you. Are you wanting MORE than just a friendship? Maybe he doesn't and is sensing that you might be.

 

If you are strictly wanting to be his friend and he is backing off, you really need to respect that. You can't force friendships.

 

What you can do is call him or write him about your feelings once more. See if you can find out why he's backing off again and see if there's a way to patch things up. If he calls you, fine. If not, just drop it.

 

Friendships last different lengths of time for different reasons. When one or the other makes the decision they are no longer interested in the friendship...when there's basically nothing in it for them or when it becomes undesireable for any reason, it is just plain o-v-e-r. Many friendships simply fade with time. Some are rekindled better than ever years later only to fade once again.

 

Yes, it's painful to have friendships end. That's why we live each day, one at a time, and relish each and every minute we have with the people we care about. Nothing lasts forever.

 

Don't force the issue here. If you have to keep nudging somebody to be your friend, it just isn't worth it. And if you're wanting even more than friendship, you are surely barking up the wrong tree here.

[Ed]

Friendships wax and wane. I have friends I have known for most of my life. We go from periods of speaking and seeing each other weekly to not speaking for months at a time. None of us DEMAND anything from the other, we are just glad to catch up when we both have the chance.

 

You can be upset because someone does not give you the time and attention you expect, but it serves no good purpose. Everyone we have any kind of relationship with puts into that relationship what they feel it is worthy of, no more, no less. This is not necessarily a reflection of you or how they feel about you. It's just a matter of juggling priorities.

 

If you are not getting what you want from this friendship, invest your time elsewhere. There is no reason to be mad at your friend. Just keep in touch when you feel like it and maybe one day it will flourish again.

[centauro]

Thank you guys so much for the advice, it made me see things in another perspective!!But one thing bothers me, it seems I`m always available for people, prompt about returning calls, will go out of my way to help......But when I need someone to talk to or confide in, it`s always at their convenience...i can`t tell you how many times i have sacrificed myself for my friends. It hurts my feelings that so many people really don`t care and do not take the time to cultivate friendships.Thanks again guys!!!

 

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "But when I need someone to talk to or confide in, it`s always at their convenience...i can`t tell you how many times i have sacrificed myself for my friends. It hurts my feelings that so many people really don`t care and do not take the time to cultivate friendships."

 

Yep, that's the way it often is. There are givers and there are takers. In the world of today, the latter are far more scarce than the former.

 

Continue to be kind and generous but expect nothing in return...and often the opposite. A lot of people suspect kind people's motives. Others resent feeling obligated. Many people are really screwed up but you have to be true to yourself.

 

I suggest you learn to give to and do for others in moderation. And allow them to reciprocate. Pay attention to yourself. You may feel uncomfortable receiving and often you may reject offers from people who want to do for you.

[WGirl]

If he is going to keep ignoring your calls and he doesn't keep up his end of the relationship, don't bother with him anymore. You can only do so much. It takes two people to carry on a relationship. It sounds like he isn't keeping up his end of it.

Hi, I need advice!!!!please!! I do not know how to handle this situation, and need an unbiased opinion........I have a friend that I have known for 16 years. We were extremely close after we first met, and that lasted about a year, then i moved away to attend college in another city. We still kept in regular contact even after i moved, and when i landed a job in a major city in another state, we still remained in regular contact. Well, i moved back to my hometown three years ago and this person became very distant, not returning phone calls, not answering the phone.....this went on for about a year, then i got tired of feeling rejected and wrote a long letter, explaining how i felt about the situation. This person was one of the very few people that knew EVERYTHING about me, and i felt let down, and told them so.

 

After two years of no contact whatsoever ( I basically ended the friendship )I ran into him at the store unexpectedly, i said hello and we started talking......that was about a month ago, i went over to his place and showed him pictures of my vacation overseas, and he said the reason that he basically rejected me was because i had a drinking problem (I have since stopped drinking totally).......well, thats understandable i guess, even though there was never and serious problems between us when i drank......to make a long story short, i explained to him that i had stopped drinking for two years, and we kinda made a mutual decision to become friends again, but now, he is pulling the same old crap as before.......not answering the phone, not returning calls, or email.........i`m confused and hurt by his behavior.....should i just ignore the whole thing and wait for him to come around, or tell him our friendship is over a second time??.......help!!!!