Want to date other men not just be w/ mm. help

[9Lives]

I am once again involve with a mm who is just a sweetheart. Very sweet and tentive. He calls me all day long and tries his best to be there for me in all ways as much as possible. He is EVERYTHING I want in a man that I know of so far. I am just crazy about him

 

He went to florida for a week, got off the plane and came straight to my house. Talked to me the entire time he was there. Just sweet.

 

Though I like him alot, I would love to be with him forever. He drives me crazy.

 

But he is not totally availalbe.

 

I have told him that even though I think the world of him I am still unfulfilled.

What I need is advice on how to get moving on this dating stuff. I dont want to hurt him and I dont want to lose him either.

 

Just need some game.

[newbby]

jvjrose

 

is this your second mm?

 

there is no 'game' that will make him yours, only games that make you feel more in control of a truly awful situation. ultimately though the relationship is doomed of course.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Just tell him you want to see other men, since he leaves you unfulfilled.

 

What do you have to gain by this? The chance at a relationship with a man who is available to share more with you than MM can offer.

What do you have to lose by this? A MM who expects you to give up all your life, just to play some minor and hidden part in his.

 

Its not like you can go on fabulous high-profile and public dates with MM. Might as well get some SG's in the picture to take you on legit dates, and enjoy them.

 

If MM is ok with that, then go out and find your SG. MM won't be happy, and will likely pout/get angry/threaten/get sad/desperate - whatever. Just refuse to speak to him if/when he exhibits those behaviors. He can't get control over the situation, if you simply refuse to acknowledge it.

 

If MM can't handle you dating other people, then you have a choice: give up your chance at happiness to fulfill MM's meager and secondary needs for you, or give up the MM and find a more fulfilling happiness that awaits you.

[9Lives]

Shamefully....yes this is the 2nd one. He did not tell me he was married initially and when I found out I was already digging him. SHAME ON ME DAMMIT!!!

 

Anyway, you said it, the key is to take control. I have got to do that or else he will stop me from moving forward. I like him so much. I need to force myself to get away from him. It is a must and I am working on it. Believe it or not....(sign) Me oh My...I am my worst enemy.

[newbby]

CORRECTION: you WERE your worst enemy till you decided to get rid of this loser.

[9Lives]

newby,

he is not a loser. I like him. Dont be so mean friend. I still like him. It is just not going to work like this. I know better

[wyzeup]

Originally posted by jvjrose

newby,

he is not a loser. I like him. Dont be so mean friend. I still like him. It is just not going to work like this. I know better

 

You mean a man who cheats on his wife is a winner? Um, I don't think so.

[9Lives]

Did I say I thought he was a winner? I just dont sum him up as a loser just because he cheats on his wife.

[newbby]

jvjrose,

what made you automatically assume i was talking about the mm?

the "loser" i was referring to could have been the relationship.

[MySugaree]

Here's a win-win scenario.

 

Tell your MM that you love him but his less-than-total availability is a cancer to the relationship.

 

Then tell him that because you know that he believes that your happiness is paramount that you will start dating single men who are able to give all of themselves, Emphasize that this dating is not a knock on him, but a realization that the shared spousal arrangement is deeply unsatisfying to you.

 

If he blanches and gets all pissy, he's not as great a guy as he led you to believe. Rather, he's a typical cake man. Dump him.

 

On the other hand, if he "understands" and you start dating single available men, you'll be stunned by the difference. I've had both, and I much prefer single women. While the cheating spouse tries to compensate for her relative unavailability by being more attentive and sexual, that only goes so far. Sometimes it's just nice to spend entire nights with a woman without having her go home to the kids and husband. Hotel trysts get tired fast.

 

Or, your MM might decide to leave his family for you rather than have you test the waters once you announce a desire to date. If kids are in the picture, however, that's an unlikely outcome.

 

Go the dating disclosure route, but make sure that you don't create the impression that you're giving him an ultimatum. Guys don't like relationship ultimatums--married or single.

[newbby]

I went on dates whilst I was seeing my mm and he said well he had no right to say anything, which was true, however it also made me realise he had no intention of changing anything.

Do you not think my sugaree that the being understanding and not being jealous just shows that you are only in it for one thing?

[MySugaree]

Ah newbby, what's a MM to do? Sleeping with another woman every night (his wife) the MM has no standing to be jealous or limit your partner choices. On the other hand, the MM is in a relationship (although a transgressive one). A MM's showing of tolerance and understanding may be construed by the OW as a lack of interest, and that she's simply a booty call.

 

As affairs mature, and the heat cools, these relationship issues arise in almost every long term affair. Affairs are most fun when most hormonal. After the hormones level off, many an affair enters what I call the "loveshack" phase: When one affair partner, almost always the unmarried one, begins to expect more, experience less and think harder about where all this is going--if anywhere.

 

By the time an affair partner posts on the Shack, the affair is usually on a downwards trajectory.

 

Love's labors...

[newbby]

After the hormones level off, many an affair enters what I call the "loveshack" phase

 

like it!

 

you do speak about these affairs as though there is SOME emotion from the mm. having been in the position yourself were you sure right from the outset that the relationship would be nothing more than an affair and did you conduct the relationship accordingly?

[MySugaree]

My lone affair, now long concluded, was with a married woman. We both had young children so there was no possibility of marrying each other. Still, the affair was intense, long term and incandescent--until it imploded. Affairs, like many an erotic relationship, eventually end. And these endings can be long, drawn-out and emotionally brutal.

 

To this day, although the physical affair is long over, my ex-MW still calls me every day. Often, relationships don't die. They simply go on life support.

 

If I was involved with a single woman, I'd be much more concerned about the "clashing expectations" problem. Fortunately, because my lover and I were both similarly situated, we did not have the clashing expectations issues that afflict many asymmetric affairs--that is, an affair between a married and single person.

[newbby]

oh i see, yes that makes things more balanced.

you are no longer married are you?

i take it your exmw is not an ex mw, but is still married.

do you think that if she were no longer married you would wish to have a relationship with her?

throughout these phone conversations has she ever wished to resume the relationship?

[9Lives]

Originally posted by MySugaree

Here's a win-win scenario.

 

Tell your MM that you love him but his less-than-total availability is a cancer to the relationship.

 

Then tell him that because you know that he believes that your happiness is paramount that you will start dating single men who are able to give all of themselves, Emphasize that this dating is not a knock on him, but a realization that the shared spousal arrangement is deeply unsatisfying to you.

 

If he blanches and gets all pissy, he's not as great a guy as he led you to believe. Rather, he's a typical cake man. Dump him.

 

On the other hand, if he "understands" and you start dating single available men, you'll be stunned by the difference. I've had both, and I much prefer single women. While the cheating spouse tries to compensate for her relative unavailability by being more attentive and sexual, that only goes so far. Sometimes it's just nice to spend entire nights with a woman without having her go home to the kids and husband. Hotel trysts get tired fast.

 

Or, your MM might decide to leave his family for you rather than have you test the waters once you announce a desire to date. If kids are in the picture, however, that's an unlikely outcome.

 

Go the dating disclosure route, but make sure that you don't create the impression that you're giving him an ultimatum. Guys don't like relationship ultimatums--married or single.

 

 

As usual, you give the best advice. You too damm good!!

This is cool. I am not trying to put pressure on this guy.

He has been nothing but nice to me as much as possible.

I just want more like you said would happen and it cant

happen now or maybe never. Who knows. No need to

wait around to see either. I am happy we got to be together

for the time we have. He has impressed me several times

with his actions and I am crazy about him. But!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I got to keep on moving. I have in mind the kind of man I

want and this man made the cut BIG TIME....with the exception

of his ENORMOUS COMMITMENT. So I just needed some

QUALITY advice on handling this situation not critizm. Thanks

Your the best. I believe everything you said.

 

Thanks again

[PurpleFlowers]

JvjRose,

 

Has your MM given you any indication that he plans to leave his wife and ultimately become your boyfirend?

 

Or does he expect you to continue to see him exclusively while remains married?

 

(just so you know, i am not judging either way... i am also dating a MM.)

 

my MM told me from day one that he planned to leave his wife - not just for me but because he does not want to be with her anymore.

 

I agreed to see him exclusively until his divorce is final and we can be together... but I also question if i want to see other people.... mainly because we have been fighting alot lately and his divorce is much more slow to come than i ever dreamed!!

 

i am tempted to get on match.com just to have a distraction from him - because though i really love him and would love to be with him - the realtionship is spinning me out of my mind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[9Lives]

girlfriend,

 

It can be a trip especially when you decide to be exclusive.

If this is what you want, then you are going to have to

be patience. My advice to you is

 

QUIT ACTING LIKE A WIFE AND ACT SINGLE...Because you

really are.

 

You dont have to do anything. YOu can have fun, enjoy your

friends and family. HAVE FUN.

 

He may be with you....he may change his mind.

Just do your thang in life. Dont sit around and let your life

revolve around him because you want more.

 

One of the people on this site said it best.

HE SHOULD WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY TOO.

 

Just so you know...this thing is 50/50

He may be with you...he may not.

Be careful.

 

My mm says to me not right now to leaving home. He just brought

a house before he met me. Whatever the reason, dude is still at the

house. He has only been married maybe a year so. I saw her and

she is not all of that. I dont get it at all. But to each his own I suppose.

I feel like he is into me but I cant let that keep me back. I am

into him too. I dont pressure him because I like being single kinda. My problem is when I want to do things with a man, he is not there like I need and there are times when we dont get to talk on the phone...at first it is cool, then as the day goes, I begin to miss his attention because he calls me sooo much. So it can be tricky.

 

I have very strong friends who tell me what to do and what not to do. So you need a strong group of friends who try to keep you on the right track but do not try to critize you. My friends give me advice but they also try to keep my head level.

 

 

AT THE END OF THE DAY......TRY TO LIVE SINGLE AND BE HAPPY. Because you

are SINGLE. It can be fun

[9Lives]

PurpleFlowers,

 

By the way, if the shoe was on the other foot boyfriend would definately be acting single. And shame you for trying to stop him. So ...go figure!

 

Go do your thang. He will respect you for it if nothing else.

[Naive]

Originally posted by jvjrose

I am once again involve with a mm who is just a sweetheart. Very sweet and tentive. He calls me all day long and tries his best to be there for me in all ways as much as possible. He is EVERYTHING I want in a man that I know of so far. I am just crazy about him

 

He went to florida for a week, got off the plane and came straight to my house. Talked to me the entire time he was there. Just sweet.

 

Though I like him alot, I would love to be with him forever. He drives me crazy.

 

But he is not totally availalbe.

 

I have told him that even though I think the world of him I am still unfulfilled.

What I need is advice on how to get moving on this dating stuff. I dont want to hurt him and I dont want to lose him either.

 

Just need some game.

 

 

I looks like to me that you like the fact that you are getting some other woman's man attention, MPO.

 

With that said, I think it is a good idea for you to date other men (not married) because that will help you move on and hopefully find someone you can call your own.

[9Lives]

Yup. I get ALOT of her man's attention. The MINUTE he got off the plane from Florida, he came straight to my house. I was so excited and impressed. Then he left and came back first thing in the morning to spend more time with me.

I was so excited to see him. I am sorry I am not being modest here. He drives me crazy with his sweetness.

[HoneyWheat]

If it were me in your situation,

 

i would actively flirt with other men and pursue relationships with those I am interested in or attracted to...keeping the mm out of the loop....hoping he eventually finds out about it and has a breakdown.

 

I would NEVER tell him because most likely he is the jealous possessive type that has double standards and would try to stop me...and it would probably work.

 

I really feel that in these kinds of situations the best way to regain PERSONALl CONTROL is for the OM or OW to 'cheat' on the mm or mw. and I say cheat in italics because technically you are not really cheating....but the mm/mw would tend to think of it that way...your not married so you are not the cheater...but to actively put it in your mind that you will cheerfully cheat on the cheater with willful intent is a very freeing thing. only when he finds out its not going to be so pleasant anymore...which is why i advocate keeping him out of the loop. it would be so much nicer to tell him the news that i have found someone who values me much more highly and fulfills all of my needs way more than the cheater was willing or able to do. and the thing is, he can't rightfully object or accuse you of cheating. its perfect.

 

I know it would upset the mm or mw and that is exactly why i would do it. And to make it worse I would do it behind their back.

 

In all reality...I do not respect people who go behind other people's backs.

And strange as it may seem, that is why I do it back to them.

 

 

I would like to state that I am vehemently opposed to extramarital affairs, but I have unintentionally been the other woman, just a bf-gf situation, not a married situation. I hate cheaters and that's all it comes down to and this is my way of dealing it back.

[Naive]

Originally posted by jvjrose

Yup. I get ALOT of her man's attention. The MINUTE he got off the plane from Florida, he came straight to my house. I was so excited and impressed. Then he left and came back first thing in the morning to spend more time with me.

I was so excited to see him. I am sorry I am not being modest here. He drives me crazy with his sweetness.

 

 

At least you accept it. Maybe being aware of this can help you move on and have someone that is your man pay you lots of attention. Believe me it's much more fullfiling

[9Lives]

Sometimes it is...sometimes it is not. Both have pro and cons.

Singles guys can be a pain the the a/ss too so. I do want

my own man truly. Just like my mm only single. He is great.

[BoatingBabe]

My MM (no physical affair, just emotional) found out I've been dating a SG, and Friday, heard me talking on the phone with him and he flipped. When he first found out about the SG, he denied it, eventhough one of his coworkers is taking a class with him. AFter he asked me about him, He told me it was not true, he was just a friend, and I was basically lying about having someone else in my life.

When he heard my SG call me and heard us making plans for the evening he flipped, went into a jealous fit, started throwing chairs around, he basically threaghtend to throw mustard at me (there was a tub in the area from left over sandwhiches) and then made fun of my position at work. Let's just say it wasn't pretty...He acted like HE was betrayed.

 

I was in shock at his behavior. My coworker noticed and said, "Oh, he must really be in love with you" Which I can't understand, being we have never touched intimately, but has been pursuing me for almost a year now. I'm not sure how to act with him on Monday (we work together, for those who don't know). I'm not sure how HE will act with me come Monday. But he went home visibly upset on Friday. Maybe this is what he needed to see and will accept the fact that I am not HIS...and never will be, as long as he is married?