Husband left after two months...

[2tired]

My husband left me today. We had a minor disagreement last Monday and he flew off the handle and told me he couldn't be married to me any longer. We have had arguments throughout our dating relationship (1.5 years) and he threatened to leave each time. I'm numb. Should I be happy that he did me a favor? He did not want to work though our issues. We had trouble communicating with each other. He admits nothing changed after marriage. He says he simply made a mistake although he was the one pushing for marriage. I accepted that he was bisexual as long as we were monogamous. Any insight would be appreciated.

[preraph]

I wonder what motivated him to push for marriage. Do you think it was to have someone to take care of him and cook and clean and all that, or was he good about that? I'm just having trouble figuring why he thought he wanted to be married and so obviously doesn't.

 

You've always had trouble talking to him and working through problems, so I guess he just decided he couldn't be in a position where he couldn't just not deal with it maybe. Very immature in that regard.

 

You have to either have communication, or one person has to always be willing to take orders from the other, which is never healthy. I think you should be glad you found out it just wasn't going to work and didn't waste too much more time on it. He isn't ready for marriage.

[2tired]

Thank you for the response. We are both in our 40's and each have been married once before. I would hope immaturity wouldn't be the issue. It's hard to get my head around for sure. Why bother getting married? He knew I wasn't the type of person to take orders.

[Mr. Lucky]

I accepted that he was bisexual as long as we were monogamous. Any insight would be appreciated.

 

Could it be as simple as him deciding he couldn't keep his half of this agreement?

 

I could argue he's done you a favor. He didn't cheat and lie to you for years, you found out early on.

 

We have had arguments throughout our dating relationship (1.5 years) and he threatened to leave each time.

 

He's not here so can't ask him. But why on earth would you want to get married under these circumstances ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Jersey born raised]

You dropped a bomb shell at the end of your first post. You can learn to communicate, you can learn to fight, you can learn how to have a knock down brawl, but you can't change sexual orientation. If his first instinct is towards men that will win out.

 

Yes you are right in that fidelity applies regardless. I do believe a bisexual can be monogamous, as long as they with a partner that is the gender they favor.

 

Take a deep breath and let go.

[2tired]

He has always been with women, an 18 year marriage and 2 dwindles after that ended 10 years agoZ the attraction to men is purely sexual. He has has less than a handful of encounters with men. He clearly favors a relationship. With a female. I knew this and accepted this when I married him because he told me monogamy was not an issue doe him. He has s habit of being argumentative (his son has the same personality) and while he does it as a matter of habit, it can grate on my nerves. I suppose I can say that he did me a favor and cut my losses. That teally goes against my personality. My inclination is to try to make the marriage work (it sounds like he wants to stay open to discussion too). We rescued a dog and he came back home today to spend time with her and asked me to dinner this week. He says he loves me but that we both need a break to let things cool off.

[Mr. Lucky]

He says he loves me but that we both need a break to let things cool off.

 

Separation isn't working on your marriage, it's a trial divorce.

 

I'd also be concerned about what he's doing - men or women - when you're apart. Have you discussed ground rules for this break?

 

I suppose I can say that he did me a favor and cut my losses. That teally goes against my personality. My inclination is to try to make the marriage work (it sounds like he wants to stay open to discussion too).

 

You can try all you want but it takes both of you to fix things. It sounds like he's headed in the opposite direction. Protect yourself...

 

Mr. Lucky

[66Charger]

Bisexual is ok for dating, but never marrying.

You are just asking for trouble

Is it really worth it?

[2tired]

He have agreed that the other of us will be dating or hooking up with anyone. We are both emotional and I am hoping that when we cool off a bit we can have a productive conversation. When will I know when to throw in the towel. He says he loves me. I love him.

[2tired]

Hubs rented a room on a house doe 90 days and took only a few clothing items. I am going though some medical testing for something serious and he says he wants to support me. It will likely take some time to get my medical stuff taken care of. He plans on spending a lot of time here with me. My therapist says that his PTSD causes him to want an exit strategy at all times.

 

Can someone give me a divorce on how to react to him?

[Mr. Lucky]

Can someone give me a divorce on how to react to him?

 

Freudian slip?

 

You should focus on you, it's the only person you're really in charge of. Work on your health and living situation, I'd guess his intentions will become clear enough over time...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BlueIris]

Well… He has an alarmingly short attention span- or perhaps this is his get-attention ploy or power-play. I think that the best route is to “Keep Calm and Carry On.” Go to work. Go out with friends. Do your errands. Be pleasant if he contacts you. Don’t get sucked in to what appears to be The Big Drama on his part.

[Downtown]

My therapist says that his PTSD causes him to want an exit strategy at all times.

Tired, are you certain that your H suffers from PTSD and not another mental disorder? Was he diagnosed by a psychologist or psychiatrist? Was the PTSD caused by a trauma occurring in adulthood or adolescence -- or, rather, in early childhood?

[mikeylo]

Apart from all the lots of issues , I guess another is his avoiding finding a resolution. He chose to shut you up by leaving you without anything to hold on to. I guess you should be glad that he left on his own.

[2tired]

His former military, hence the PTSD. He has not been treated for it but we have discussed it a bit. A friend mentioned that he acts bipolar and I know that he lost his mom as a child and his dad abused him. In fact, this seems to have been triggered by the sudden passing of his father in January. He has a lot of unresolved anger towards his dad.

 

Hubs spent Thursday and Friday night with me. Things were nice without any discussion of the fifties of the marriage. There was a bit of normal marital conflict this morning (household stuff) and I can see that he will use the room he is renting as a hideaway from dealing with conflict. He is conflict adverse. I expressed concern that he refuses counseling on his own and left it at that.

 

I supposed I need to decide if the emotional roller coaster is acceptable and if just giving each other space and time is the right thing to do.

[2tired]

I think that I am doing a good job of carrying on. It is a bit different since we have decided to to give each other space but work on the marriage. Do you think he would use this separation as a power play! I do think it is important for him to have the upper hand and control the marriage.

[Downtown]

I need to decide if the emotional roller coaster is acceptable.

Tired, the two most common causes of persistent moodiness are a hormone problem and drug abuse. If you can rule those out -- and you seem to have done so because you don't mention them -- the two remaining common causes are bipolar disorder and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

 

If your H suffers from one of those two disorders, I hope your friend is right about him suffering from bipolar. Whereas bipolar usually can be treated quite successfully by swallowing a pill, BPD is very difficult to treat and medications will not make a dent in it.

 

He's former military, hence the PTSD. He has not been treated for it but we have discussed it a bit.

When a severe trauma occurs in adolescence or adulthood, it can result in the behaviors called "PTSD." Yet, if that trauma occurs in early childhood, it can create far more damage because it prevents the child from developing a strong sense of self identity -- and also prevents him from developing the mature set of emotional skills that are needed to control his own emotions.

 

If the anger issues you're seeing are only recent, it may well be caused by the PTSD and his father's death in January. Yet, because you say he was abused by his dad -- and lost his mom -- in childhood, you seem to be suggesting he has exhibited anger issues and the "roller coaster" moodiness throughout his adulthood. Is that correct? I ask because an important issue is whether his anger issues and moodiness are a persistent lifetime problem that flares up every few weeks -- or, instead, are only a recent occurrence.

 

He lost his mom as a child and his dad abused him.

Bipolar disorder is believed to be caused by slow changes in body chemistry, not by a difficult childhood. In contrast, BPD is strongly associated with childhood abuse or abandonment. Indeed, 70% of BPDers report that they had been abandoned or abused by a parent in childhood. Apparently, both of those things happened to your H, who was abandoned by his mother and abused by his dad.

 

In fact, this seems to have been triggered by the sudden passing of his father in January. He has a lot of unresolved anger towards his dad.

Strong and persistent anger is a defining trait for BPD, not bipolar disorder.

 

He has a habit of being argumentative.... He will use the room he is renting as a hideaway from dealing with conflict. He is conflict adverse.

How can both be true? If he has a "habit of being argumentative," in what way is he "conflict adverse"? Are you saying that he sometimes chooses to express his anger by "acting out" (i.e., by being very argumentative) and sometimes chooses to "act in" (i.e., punishing you with cold withdrawal and icy stares)?

 

He says he loves me.

Then he probably does love you. Even if he does have strong traits of PTSD, bipolar, or BPD, none of those disorders would necessarily prevent him from loving you.

 

Can someone give me advice on how to react to him?

I suggest you find out what you are dealing with. Toward that end, I suggest you see a psychologist (not a MC) -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion. Importantly, if you suspect BPD actually is involved, you cannot rely on HIS therapist to spot it because it may take the therapist two years to see the abusive behaviors you see all week long.

 

Moreover, even if your H were to stay in therapy long enough for his therapist to spot BPD, you cannot rely on HIS therapist to be candid with you. Therapists routinely withhold the name of the disorder from BPDer clients -- and from their spouses and insurance companies -- for the protection of those clients. I explain that in greater detail at Loath to Diagnose BPD.

 

This is why I suggest you protect yourself by consulting with YOUR OWN psychologist -- and by learning how to spot the warning signs for both the BPD and bipolar disorders. An easy place to start reading is my post at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences, which is based on my experiences with a bipolar-1 sufferer (my foster son) and a BPDer (my exW). If that description of BPD traits rings many bells, I would suggest you also check out my list of red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. Take care, Tired.

[2tired]

Omg! Thank you. He certainly seems to fit the criteria of BPD. He refused counseling, even at the VA. I have my own psychologist counseling me regarding my issues. I refused to focus on him at this point. I'm sure we will have discussion regarding whether I want to save the marriage or not. For now, I choose to stay on my side of the road.

 

I am the one dealing with hormone issues. Getting those resolved is helping my coping skills immensely.

 

My plan, at this point, is to continue my therapy with my psychologist and size we have had the pursuer/distancer relationship, I am refusing to pursue.

 

If he is BPD, I cannot tolerate that kind of areas. I have underlying autoimmune diseases and stress and its effects on my health is unacceptable.

 

 

Thanks so much for that great information!

[2tired]

I have been told by his family that he used to have a bitter temper. In a recent discussion, he told me he used to have a bad temper but he decided about 10 years ago that he would only be happy. This made me think that he has not dealt with his underlying anger proper and it keeps popping up and he feels ashamed that he doesn't have perfect control over the temper.

 

His kids told my daughter that he is a f-Ing assh*le. They don't like him and I suspect that was from his temper outbursts, his affair on his first wife 10 years ago and his choosing to be a contractor in the Middle East and choosing a Thai fiancé so that he could retire there with her away from his friends and tiny in the states.

 

He challenges many things that come out of my mouth, independent of the importance of the statement. I assume that is an inferiority disorder disguised as a superiority complex. He has an attitude of never being wrong and how dare anyone challenge me. He be aimed angry and moody when questioned. I know that I am more intelligent and that shouldn't make a difference in the marriage. I think he is intimidated by that. He has spent the past 5 years before me dating women