On Behalf of the MM

[LoveAiko]

This post is not about me, but about a friend. He reached out to me and I don't know what to tell him.

 

I met him about three years ago on a BDSM site. I was infatuated with him until I found out he was married to his college sweetheart. I was livid. I didn't talk to him for a long time, but then we started talking again. Nothing sexual, just as friends.

 

He's busy with work and of course family, so I rarely hear from him and I don't think much of it. But yesterday after probably 6 months of silence, I heard from him and we talked about silly things, but I asked him how he had been and apparently his wife found out he had be unfaithful (not with me, but I'm assuming being on the BDSM site) an they nearly divorced, but they mended things.

 

My first question to him was, "Then why are you here?". And his reply was that he didn't know. That he needed someone to talk to (because the girls he talks to know he's married and they don't care. I do.)

 

He said that he feels like a monster because he loves his W, but he can't fight his own personal urges.

 

I told him it shouldn't be a choice if he loves her, and he said that he knows that and he thought in light of the recent events that it would set him straight, but it hasn't.

 

He has specific sexual interests and due to his W being sexually abused when she was younger, she adamantly refuses to engage in his fetishes, which of course he respects.

 

I've tried to understand where he's coming from, but of course I've never been in this situation. My immediate thought was get over yourself and enjoy what you have or if it's TRULY something you can't live without, tell her and maybe end things.

 

 

Since he's my friend, I want to help the best I can. I even suggested therapy and he said maybe, but I don't know what else to do.

 

I don't know what to think. I thought maybe being caught would have stopped him, but it hasn't.

 

Should he get over himself or should he leave her?

[Lady2163]

This post is not about me, but about a friend. He reached out to me and I don't know what to tell him.

 

I met him about three years ago on a BDSM site. I was infatuated with him until I found out he was married to his college sweetheart. I was livid. I didn't talk to him for a long time, but then we started talking again. Nothing sexual, just as friends.

 

He's busy with work and of course family, so I rarely hear from him and I don't think much of it. But yesterday after probably 6 months of silence, I heard from him and we talked about silly things, but I asked him how he had been and apparently his wife found out he had be unfaithful (not with me, but I'm assuming being on the BDSM site) an they nearly divorced, but they mended things.

 

My first question to him was, "Then why are you here?". And his reply was that he didn't know. That he needed someone to talk to (because the girls he talks to know he's married and they don't care. I do.)

 

He said that he feels like a monster because he loves his W, but he can't fight his own personal urges.

 

I told him it shouldn't be a choice if he loves her, and he said that he knows that and he thought in light of the recent events that it would set him straight, but it hasn't.

 

He has specific sexual interests and due to his W being sexually abused when she was younger, she adamantly refuses to engage in his fetishes, which of course he respects.

 

I've tried to understand where he's coming from, but of course I've never been in this situation. My immediate thought was get over yourself and enjoy what you have or if it's TRULY something you can't live without, tell her and maybe end things.

 

 

Since he's my friend, I want to help the best I can. I even suggested therapy and he said maybe, but I don't know what else to do.

 

I don't know what to think. I thought maybe being caught would have stopped him, but it hasn't.

 

Should he get over himself or should he leave her?

 

So, I've roamed around on the fringes of bdsm. Some of it I liked, most of it I didn't. Many "true" bdsmers will tell you that "it isn't about sex." From my observations only, I frequently saw some sex hang ups or performance issues with these supposed bdsmers. My database is extremely small. There's also been a huge increase in wannabes since 50 Shades of Crap was published.

 

But I'm far from vanilla. My exMM was very vanilla and while the sex was quite good, it was a bit too tame for me. He and I were together a long time and I made him a lot less vanilla. To get him to do things I liked, I focused on giving him pleasure. It started out very tame.

 

And that's what your friend can do. Look at his wife's issues as a challenge and bring her along ever so slowly. Make it fun and lighthearted. It isn't all about spanking, hurting and punishing.

[LoveAiko]

That's actually a great idea. I'll mention that to him.

 

I feel like he thinks she'll think of him as a monster, but obviously that cat is out of the bag.

 

I asked him if she's doing okay now and he said he thinks she is and that she feel better than she did before, but do you think she'll automatically associate what he wants with his infidelity?

 

He's a good guy. I can tell he truly loves her. I've never seen him this vulnerable, and I'm sure if you're into BDSM you're aware that it's not too often a gentleman like him is vulnerable to a girl like me.

[Poppy47]

This is very messy.

 

You are not his counsellor and he isn't really your friend.

 

If it were me, I would stay well away.

 

Not your problem. Let him find a psychologist to talk to.

 

Poppy

[OWAmy]

I think you should stop talking with him. Your wasting his and your time.

 

It seems your interest in the bdsm scene you could take it or leave it. It's like this for a lot of women. Men on the other hand are the ones with the huge Fetish drive. Often it has been with them since early childhood and it's very much a part of them.

 

Many people on the bdsm scene will play with married people because a lot of times sex and exchange of any bodily fluids is off the cards. They are classed as 'play partners' at parties, meetings etc...

 

Your friend's problem is his own doing. He married someone who is not interested and does not understand his urges. His wife thinks she can tell him she doesn't want to participate and that will be the end of that. Very wrong - it's not to do with how much love there is. If this is in him and a big part of him then he will search to find that when the urge gets too great.

 

Maybe a therapist who is kink aware. This 'problem' will not go away. It's their problem to deal with:

 

1) they divorce

2) she decides to explore with him

3) they agree he visits a professional dominatrix/submissive and enters a paying relationship.

4) he does nothing

 

I know lots about the BDSM scene. Sob stories are all too familiar. He will drain you emotionally ... just thinking of you.

Edited February 21, 2016 by OWAmy

[bathtub-row]

MM men LOVE to do the friendship thing because they're almost certain that it'll become sexual at some point. It also pumps up their ego. This guy is half telling you the truth, and half lying to you. He had the chance to walk away from his marriage - or so he says - but he didn't. I suggest that you end this friendship with him and let him deal with his marriage. He's not a real friend, no matter what he has led you to believe. Men are very cunning and manipulative when it comes to getting sex. Women underestimate them every single time.

 

Btw, I watched about 30 min of 50 Shades of Gray and it actually angered me. I hated the condescending crap that went on in that movie.

Edited February 21, 2016 by bathtub-row

[S2B]

You can't help him.

 

He needs professional help - tell him to seek help.

[Lady2163]

That's actually a great idea. I'll mention that to him.

 

I feel like he thinks she'll think of him as a monster, but obviously that cat is out of the bag.

 

I asked him if she's doing okay now and he said he thinks she is and that she feel better than she did before, but do you think she'll automatically associate what he wants with his infidelity?

 

He's a good guy. I can tell he truly loves her. I've never seen him this vulnerable, and I'm sure if you're into BDSM you're aware that it's not too often a gentleman like him is vulnerable to a girl like me.

 

Eh, you do need to keep some mental distance. I did see lots of married "players" in the group I was around. They would do whatever it took to seduce. Again, the group I was with really seemed to have sex hang ups. I'm more of a swinger type personality than a bdsmer, so it was moderately entertaining to see them flip out over a sub having an accidental orgasm during scene play.

 

The other thing, my xMM was so vanilla that the first "scene" I did with him involved a blindfold on him and using lube during a handjob/blowjob. He had never used KY or astroglide before. I mean, to him that was amazing! That's what I mean by starting small. Blindfold, yes, but not tying down. Introduce the most tamest new thing possible and let it give the bets sensations.

[S2B]

That's actually a great idea. I'll mention that to him.

 

I feel like he thinks she'll think of him as a monster, but obviously that cat is out of the bag.

 

I asked him if she's doing okay now and he said he thinks she is and that she feel better than she did before, but do you think she'll automatically associate what he wants with his infidelity?

 

He's a good guy. I can tell he truly loves her. I've never seen him this vulnerable, and I'm sure if you're into BDSM you're aware that it's not too often a gentleman like him is vulnerable to a girl like me.

 

So you think you're special because he's being "vulnerable"?

 

Are you sure this is what this is about?

[ShatteredLady]

Wow!! In a 'normal' situation I would agree with trying to get his W interested but REALLY!! She was SEXUALLY ABUSED when young!!!

 

I'd run from this guy!! Why would a man with those fetishes marry a woman who has been sexually abused? I'm feeling a bit sick

 

Picture her feeling safe enough with him to share the most painful, haunting events of her life. Him consoling her....while trying not to show how turned-on he is by her abuse!! ....or was it her abuse that got him interested in the first place? Wow! The human brain is a horrible thing at times.

 

Poor woman! The last thing she, or any woman who has experienced REAL abuse wants is to relive it all to get her H off.

[LoveAiko]

Wow!! In a 'normal' situation I would agree with trying to get his W interested but REALLY!! She was SEXUALLY ABUSED when young!!!

 

I'd run from this guy!! Why would a man with those fetishes marry a woman who has been sexually abused? I'm feeling a bit sick

 

Picture her feeling safe enough with him to share the most painful, haunting events of her life. Him consoling her....while trying not to show how turned-on he is by her abuse!! ....or was it her abuse that got him interested in the first place? Wow! The human brain is a horrible thing at times.

 

Poor woman! The last thing she, or any woman who has experienced REAL abuse wants is to relive it all to get her H off.

 

Oh no, no no. It's not like that at all. That's not at all what he's interested in. That would be terrible. But no, that's not at all in his interest.

 

I hear what you all are saying. I am keeping my distance. That's why I didn't try to console him. I apologized for him feeling bad, but I basically (in a nicer way, obviously) said I told you so. I knew this was coming and I think he thought he was invincible. Well, he's not. And he knows that now. And I suggested he go get help. Maybe even marriage counseling because he can't have his cake and eat it too. It sucks for him, but he can't.

 

And @S2B, I never said I felt "special" for him seeming to be vulnerable with me. Sometimes I think ladies here look for ways to put others down.

 

I do appreciate the answers I've gotten thus far though.

[S2B]

The mere fact that he's telling you is terribly disrespectful to his wife.

 

IF it were me - I wouldn't speak to him at all anymore.