stages of a break up

[smile95]

can someone please tell me the stages you go thru and when you know you are in the last stage?

[Tony]

Usually, the stages are denial, bargaining, guilt, anger/depression and acceptance. Some people skip one or more depending on their style. However, once you get really angry you know you are just about ready to completely heal and move on.

 

Of you want to read more about each, put "grief stages" or "stages of loss" in a good search engine.

 

More than anything, be kind and patient with yourself and know that no matter how bad things seem to be it will all pass in time.

[miss-gonewest]

If you can afford the money ($50) go and get the ebook "Lifted Hearts" - its all about how to recover from a broken relationship and it was so helpful. I finished reading it the other night and felt so EMPOWERED.

 

Its goes through the stages of a breakup and how to heal yourself and why you feel the way you do.... I am going to read through some today to keep myself strong!!! You can also access a heap of other great books for your money...

 

Just quickly:

 

1. Denial & Isolation - stage may last from minutes to months, depending on YOUR griving cycle.

 

2. Anger - when reality sets in. Anger at them for hurting you and at yourself for letting it happen. The "if only" stage.

 

3. Bargaining -where you plead with your ex to take you back. This is the blind stage where you take the blame. This strips you of pride and leaves you feeling rejected.

 

4. Depression - feeling numb and hiding anger and sadness.

 

Then to break the cycle you need to reach stage 5

 

5. Acceptance - anger and sadness have passes, depression has lifted and you see reality. You realise that YOU WILL SURVIVE.

 

How to reach stage 5:

 

Acknowledge your grief. Wallow in your feelings and accept them for what they are. Allow your anger but avoid placing blame. Get healthy and pamper yourself.

 

Do NOT contact your ex. Redirect your thoughts elsewhere (far easier said than done, I know).

 

See that your relationship was wrong for you and feel relieved! You are amazing and have your whole life ahead of you with new experiences and romances to come.

 

Hope that explains it a bit better...

[chaos70]

I guess my question is does it happen in that order. I assume some people could skip steps but for me it has been:

3

1

4

2

And I hope 5 is next and not a repeat of the stages.

[dawn duval]

I've gone in that order too -- 3142 -- and 2 is where I remain. 5 would be nice, but I'm having lots of fun lingering on 2 for now...

[chaos70]

I do have to agree. It's kinda of invigorating. I've used that pent up agression to drop 25 lbs, stop smoking pot, and got back up to 100 pushup workout.

[miss-gonewest]

No, the stages can happen in a different order. Its all personal...

But I guess the message is that only you can change the order and only you can choose to linger in any one of the stages...

[moon]

As I have talked about a lot on this board, I went through a break up........oh....in late October and I still have some unanswered questions. I can live my life, deal with my daily business, I don't cry about it at all now, but there are these sort of underlying emotions that waver from time to time about it. So that means I am not "over it" yet.

 

I have had two other break ups that required getting over. I have dated other people and a few weeks later I forget all about them. But that would be because I only dated them for a short time or what not.

 

I can honestly say that, yes there are stages of a break up that I think you can go through anywhere from a few months to a couple of years. It depends on you. I think initially you feel denial. You believe you'll probably get back together, even if you are making vodoo dolls of them and sticking pins in their eyes---yes you still, amazingly have this sort expectancy that they'll probably call you at some point.

 

When you realize that that's not happening....I think you focus more on the anger. You get really pissed off and curse them for what they did......I think even dumpers get angry too, because my friend just dumped her husband and she seems to have anger too. I think disappointment and anger is felt by both sides parties usually.

 

After you feel you have felt a sufficiant amount of anger I believe you do start to wonder if you should take on more of the blame for the problems that you and your ex shared. You might think at this point that I'd be a good time to call or get closure. It might even be. But I think you go through this sort of anger/depression/longing/guilt phase for a while. There is no specific time line for it to end.

 

The last stage I believe is acceptance. You accept that the relationship is dust and you get over it. From my experience I don't think acceptance is a good word. I think what you do is realize x, y, z didn't happen....they never called, your anger didn't get you anywhere, that guy over there looks kind of cute..........whatever, you start to sort of let the memory die. You might say, okay I guess it's not meant to be. The new "accceptance" phase might take a while to get used to. In my experience it takes a while to get to this acceptance phase. Once I reach it, it usually takes me a few months to go with it and then I don't ever imagine myself with that ex again. I come to terms with it and don't hope for anything with them anymore. As a matter a fact, if either of the two men who took quite a while to get over called me at this point, I would probably greet them as if they were an old friends. I wouldn't look at it as romantic at all. I would almost look at them as a new person, rather than one I really loved at some point. Because eventually most people get over people. I don't keep exes as "friends"

either--I think it makes things too complicated.

 

So anyway, that's been my experience. I obviously haven't reached the acceptance phase with the last break up I had, but it's probably around the next corner there. I have a hard time letting go, but when I do it's sayonara. So I am waiting for that. It takes different people longer to reach that stage. I truely believe that you sort of get to a point where you realize it's not meant to be and you can't try to force it back to you. I think you sort of burn yourself out on the memory and then you let it die. But it does take time to get to that place. That great place where you're free again!!

[moon]

I also meant to say that the true last stage of a break up would be like this conversation with a friend,

 

Friend: "So I heard Joe got married last weekend."

You: "Oh really to who?"

 

Friend, "Ahh, some skinny blonde who waitresses at Dennys."

You: "What's she like?"

 

Friend: "Rumor has it she used to be a crack whore. Oh and this is her fourth marriage and she's actually got two kids with a few of the other guys."

You: "WHAT!!!!!??? Man my ex was a moran wasn't he."

 

Friend: "You said it, not me."

You: "Where do they live?"

 

Friend: "Well, actually she inherited a trailer on the south side of town."

You: " A trailer, you mean the type you drive around?"

 

Friend: "No the type that's parked with other trailers, like in a trailer park."

You: *shutter* "Oh, my God, Joe lives with two illegitimate kids and three divorces in a trailer park?

 

Friend: "YUP."

You: "Oh my God please don't tell anybody that I EVER dated him or that it took so long for me to get over him, PLEASE. PLEASE."

 

Friend: "I totally knew you were going to say that. I'll keep it under wraps."

You: *wiping the sweat off your brow* "Thanks!!!!! You're a real friend!"

 

That didn't at all happen to me abover.....I am just joking around, but the TRUE last stage of a break up (and I've been there) is when you couldn't care less about them anymore. That's my opinion. You might still have a sort of "love" for them, but that does not in any way get in the way of your present life. The true last stage of a break up is when you can say....."THE END."

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

Originally posted by miss-gonewest

If you can afford the money ($50) go and get the ebook "Lifted Hearts" - its all about how to recover from a broken relationship and it was so helpful. I finished reading it the other night and felt so EMPOWERED.

 

I dunno if you need to spend quite that much money, as you can find similar advice and good reading in many of the self-help books at the bookstore or library.

 

The best book I've read so far, which helped my particular situation, is "Don't Call That Man" by Rhonda Findling -- less than $10 at the store. Another one is "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood -- $6