Four-and-a-half years later, marriage going well, the xMOW emails

February 21, 2016

Quick background:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/304160-questions-about-ended-affair

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/351394-update-year-ago-post

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/453756-one-year-later

Things had been going great in our marriage. Not 100%, but making great strides. Out of the blue last week, I get an email from the xMOW. Just a "Hi, [my name]," so I know it wasn't sent to me by mistake, but nothing in the body of the message. I ignore the email and tell my wife that night. She's understandably upset, but takes it in stride and thanks me for telling her. Over the course of the week, it's clear that the email has opened up a lot of old wounds, forcing her to remember--and re-live--the affair and how badly I treated her during this period. I assured her that I'd tell her if I heard from the xMOW again I'd tell her and that maybe we could craft a response together. Given that I ignored the email, I didn't expect to hear from her again.

On Thursday, my wife begins crying at the dinner table. I understand it, of course. But part of me kind of regrets telling her. Not to hide anything, but to not open up old wounds again. (I know that ultimately telling her was the right thing.)

Then on Friday, another email arrives from the xMOW, this one saying that she would be waiting for me between noon and 1 p.m. at a Starbucks at a given address and asking me to come. The address is the closest Starbucks to my office, showing that she knows where I work. I wasn't interested in the slightest, and there was no way in hell I would even consider meeting her anywhere. But knowing that she knows where I work, I didn't want her to show up at my office one day, thinking that maybe I wasn't getting her emails. So I responded, explaining that I couldn't come because I don't want to do anything to further jeopardize my marriage, that I had told my wife everything, that we were working on our marriage, and that I have come to realize how much I came so close to losing. I even told her that I would be telling my wife about our email exchange. I ended my saying that if she was looking for closure, I wasn't angry anymore. I was trying to show that I'm not still stewing over it, and that there was nothing for us to "wrap up" by meeting. (I've read about the futility and risk in these meetings here, and I just wasn't interested in seeing her.) The xMOW wrote back that she just wanted to apologize, nothing more, and that she wouldn't bother me ever again. So in my mind, it worked.

Now here's where I messed up: given my wife's reaction to the first email. I wanted to wait a couple of days to tell her what happened. Our child's birthday was today, and I didn't want this hanging over our head. From the bottom of my heart I had no intention of hiding it from her. I was planning to tell her on Monday. But sensing that something was off, my wife kept asking me if something had happened. I denied it a few times (this was a mistake, I know), but ended up telling her tonight and showed her the emails. She went ballistic--first, for not telling her yesterday and second for an email reply she thought was too weak and equivocating. Looking back, I do wish I had worded things more strongly. I was just trying to find the right balance between making my intentions clear and not giving her a reason to write back or escalate the drama. I just wanted to be done with it.

Now my wife is angry and hurt--the angriest I've ever seen her since the affair first came to light. I understand that I shouldn't have waited to tell her or denied when asked--and I truly regret it. I resent the xMOW showing up out of the blue like this. And I'm angry at myself for thinking I could time the truth. But I honestly was trying to do the best in a bad situation.

February 21, 2016

I wouldn't of replied but I understand why you felt you had to. I think your wife will understand in time you did what you did to try to protect her.

February 21, 2016

I think my real mistake was not telling my wife right away. The "protecting my wife" mentality is not too dissimilar to my rationalization for hiding the affair. But in this case, I really did have every intention of telling her on Monday.

February 21, 2016

All you can do is repeat that to her. Make a fuss of her, treat her, show her who has your heart and she will see your point of view in time. It was very selfish of mw to reach out after all this time and also kinda sad that she's been holding a torch all this time. Maybe she just wanted closure idk but she has that now.

February 21, 2016

" I assured her that I'd tell her if I heard from the xMOW again I'd tell her and that maybe we could craft a response together. "

But you didn't

That's where you messed up, you offered her the security of knowing you would face the fMOW together and then you took it away.

Reconciliation after an affair is a lot about rebuilding trust, how can your wife trust you when you aren't true to your word?

This is the issue, this is most likely why she went ballistic on you, those 4 years of her putting her faith in you and in one stupid moment you make a decision to show you are still capable of deceit = nothing has changed.

You have effectively taken a huge step back.

February 21, 2016

I think your wife is overreacting but I would just give it time to settle. I think your email to the xOW was about as plain as you could get and it didn't leave any room for argument or doubt. Based on your wife's reaction to the first email, I can understand not wanting to tell her about your response until later. But since she specifically asked you about it, you did lie. Not a great idea. If you just stay by her side, your wife will understand that you're with her through good and bad. Let her know that you understand that putting off telling her about it was a bad error in judgment.

My first thought is, are you sure this email wasn't invented by your wife? In other words, could she have created a fake email account and pretended to be the OW just to see how you'd react?

Edited February 21, 2016 by bathtub-row

February 21, 2016

Close that email account.

February 21, 2016

I think my real mistake was not telling my wife right away. The "protecting my wife" mentality is not too dissimilar to my rationalization for hiding the affair. But in this case, I really did have every intention of telling her on Monday.

okay. you made a mistake, bad judgement call on your side. that's it. that's normal, you'll make mistakes during your reconciliation.

be there for your wife, repeat all of this to her as many times as she needs to hear it, reassure her and give her all the love you can.

and please, don't give up on the truth. pain caused by the truth is always much easier than the pain caused by the deception. so please, keep being honest and open with your wife - about everything.

February 21, 2016

Why did you respond at all? You ignored the first email, makes no sense that you'd reply to the second one.

Also, you need to block exMOW or change your email address completely.

Is the exMOW married? If so, talk to your wife and discuss on telling her husband about the contact.

Give your wife space to sort out her hurt and anger, let her know you love her and never had any intention of doing anything behind her back and that you are still willing to do everything to make her feel secure and love, not threatened.

February 21, 2016

I think your wife is overreacting but I would just give it time to settle. I think your email to the xOW was about as plain as you could get and it didn't leave any room for argument or doubt. Based on your wife's reaction to the first email, I can understand not wanting to tell her about your response until later. But since she specifically asked you about it, you did lie. Not a great idea. If you just stay by her side, your wife will understand that you're with her through good and bad. Let her know that you understand that putting off telling her about it was a bad error in judgment.

My first thought is, are you sure this email wasn't invented by your wife? In other words, could she have created a fake email account and pretended to be the OW just to see how you'd react?

It would have been better if he had shown his wife the email first before responding to it, ask for her in put. And no, his wife isn't over reacting, she is scared and feeling threatened that the exMOW is reaching again after so many years.

February 21, 2016

I think my real mistake was not telling my wife right away. The "protecting my wife" mentality is not too dissimilar to my rationalization for hiding the affair. But in this case, I really did have every intention of telling her on Monday.

Yes, it was. Waiting for her input, showing her the email first before taking matters into your own hands was the better choice here.

You excluded her and that's why she's upset.

February 21, 2016

I don't understand why having agreed to craft a response together you responded to her second email alone.

You should have told your wife straight away after ignoring it. Your actions and your email were weak.. I agree. It was too nice and polite for a woman who helped you commit adultery. I'm sure had you simply told her to f*** o** and leave you the hell alone ... your wife would not be feeling quite so upset. Intruding on your life so long after needed a much harsher response than you gave.. that's where I would be peeved as a BW.

February 21, 2016

" I assured her that I'd tell her if I heard from the xMOW again I'd tell her and that maybe we could craft a response together. "
But you didn't
That's where you messed up, you offered her the security of knowing you would face the fMOW together and then you took it away.

Reconciliation after an affair is a lot about rebuilding trust, how can your wife trust you when you aren't true to your word?
This is the issue, this is most likely why she went ballistic on you, those 4 years of her putting her faith in you and in one stupid moment you make a decision to show you are still capable of deceit = nothing has changed.
You have effectively taken a huge step back.

Agreed.

OP first of all the ex ow was fishing. She didn't contact you to apologize. If that were true she would have apologized in one of her first two emails to you. She was inviting you back into your old affair behaviour. Asking you to secretly meet her at a Starbucks indicates that she hasn't changed in regards to deceit and dishonesty and she was hoping you also hadn't changed. There was nothing innocent about those emails or her request.

I don't think your wife overreacted at all. As dubliner said, it's all about trust and feeling safe and you just destroyed that all over again. It was one thing to decide to wait until after your child's birthday to tell her about the second email. Not saying it was right to do that but it was somewhat understandable, but then you went way beyond that when you decided to respond behind your wife's back after you had already told her she would be involved in any decisions regarding new emails from the OW.

A couple of posters have said your wife will calm down and come to see that your actions were meant to protect her but I don't think she will come around to seeing it that way because I don't think you went behind her back for her protection at all. You did it firstly for the protection yourself and secondly, possibly for the protection of your ex ow. The notion of sneaking contact with the OW and hiding it from your spouse is all for the betrayed spouse's own good is the very same flawed thinking that enables affairs to start and flourish in the first place and so your wife is probably concerned that since you are still in that mindset you are still untrustworthy.

I've seen many a divorced bs say that it wasn't the affair that destroyed their marriage, it was the lies and poor actions of the WS after the affair was discovered. I'm not surprised your wife is as upset as she was when she first heard of your affair because as I said, at this point it's not really about your being faithful, it's more about your ability to be open and true to your word and this episode has caused her to rightfully doubt that.

February 21, 2016

To be honest, your first mistake was not responding to the first email. I know, I know...you dont want to break "no contact" but once your wife knew about it, the two of you should have crafted an email response together. Your wife was given the chance to let it stew and she had it in the back of her mind that it was out there and left unresolved. Not answering is leaving it unresolved. Not confronting an issue does not make it go away. If you had only answered that first email and advised her you were including your wife in the exchanges, the second one probably would have been avoided.

Which leads me to ask, why didn't you answer the first one? Was it truly not to break no contact or (and this is more often the case) by not answering, you knew the OW would be hurt, rejected and probably try again? How many times a day do you suppose she checked her email just hoping for a response?

"Please don't contact me again. I'm not interested in anything that could do damage to my life. I don't say that out of anger or hate, just leave me alone."

Not as aggressive as "*** off", but the more emotion and details you keep out of it, the less chance you have of setting her off. Telling her how great your life is or how hard you've worked to restore your marriage is a) for your benefit only and b) too much information.

I'm not a bunny boiler and I'm still "friends" with XMM. There was no Dday, we talk whenever we want. Sort of. I've discovered I post here to alleviate the urge to call him. We were together a long time. I doubt we will go 4.5 years without talking for the rest of our lives. I'm not sure the longest we've gone without contact...maybe six weeks? I think he called me and I simply answered, "Hi, how have ya been?" I didn't think he was shutting me out and I don't think he thought I was shutting him out.

Okay, none of that last paragraph has much of anything to do with your situation. Sorry.

You've explained to your wife the "why". You may have to repeat it many times. I would also allow her access to you phone and email for a while. Be very transparent. Be where you are supposed to be. Genuinely do nice things for her and with her.

From the outside looking in, I do have to say, I've never understood the mindset of "I tell my BS every time the Other contacts me or if I see them, etc. I let it all hang out on the Internet, but in my private life, I'm pretty private. I suppose in your case, it looks like your hiding something if you don't tell her. Yes, I've been an other, but I've also been married. While I never had an affair, there were still plenty of things I omitted from telling him because I knew it would be detrimental.

February 21, 2016

I think you handled it well (you got rid of OW in a nice way). It will all work out and your wife will calm down. She is likely to trigger from time to time for years to come (even without contact from the fOW). All you can do is be there for her until she calms down.

Edited February 21, 2016 by Popsicle

February 21, 2016

Which leads me to ask, why didn't you answer the first one? Was it truly not to break no contact or (and this is more often the case) by not answering, you knew the OW would be hurt, rejected and probably try again? How many times a day do you suppose she checked her email just hoping for a response?

I never even thought of this but it does make sense. What an amazing ego boost to know someone has been thinking about you for over four years. If you were planning on replying why not reply to the first and only the second? I can understand not replying at all through respect for his wife and marriage but to reply to the second feeds in to the push/pull affair crap

February 21, 2016

To be honest, your first mistake was not responding to the first email. I know, I know...you dont want to break "no contact" but once your wife knew about it, the two of you should have crafted an email response together. Your wife was given the chance to let it stew and she had it in the back of her mind that it was out there and left unresolved. Not answering is leaving it unresolved. Not confronting an issue does not make it go away. If you had only answered that first email and advised her you were including your wife in the exchanges, the second one probably would have been avoided.

Which leads me to ask, why didn't you answer the first one? Was it truly not to break no contact or (and this is more often the case) by not answering, you knew the OW would be hurt, rejected and probably try again? How many times a day do you suppose she checked her email just hoping for a response?

...

From the outside looking in, I do have to say, I've never understood the mindset of "I tell my BS every time the Other contacts me or if I see them, etc. I let it all hang out on the Internet, but in my private life, I'm pretty private. I suppose in your case, it looks like your hiding something if you don't tell her. Yes, I've been an other, but I've also been married. While I never had an affair, there were still plenty of things I omitted from telling him because I knew it would be detrimental.

I didn't respond to the first email because I just didn't want to engage with the OW and honestly thought that that would be the end of it. In retrospect, responding with my wife's participation was probably the way to go. Hindsight is 20/20, I guess.

I told my wife because I thought it was the right thing to do. One of her biggest concerns that was that I was still secretly in love with the OW and would resume the affair if I ever got the chance. The OW was the one who ended it, so I understand where she was coming from. I thought that immediately telling my wife about the email would put that fear to rest. Instead, it made things worse, which is why I hesitated about the second email. But I was absolutely going to tell her and even show her the email exchange, which I did.

February 21, 2016

I never even thought of this but it does make sense. What an amazing ego boost to know someone has been thinking about you for over four years. If you were planning on replying why not reply to the first and only the second? I can understand not replying at all through respect for his wife and marriage but to reply to the second feeds in to the push/pull affair crap

When I realized that she knows where I work (based on where she wanted to meet), I didn't want her to think that I just wasn't getting the emails and have her start calling or showing up at my office. I wanted to make it clear that I had told my wife and that I am committed to my marriage without antagonizing her or giving her a reason to reply.

I think there's always a sense of satisfaction involved when someone who dumped you tries to make contact again. But honestly, I felt better because I saw it as an opportunity to show my wife that I wasn't secretly pining for the OW.

February 21, 2016

Trust is a very tenuous thing.

I think you lost her trust when you didn't do exactly as you had promised her.

Hope she feels better soon and you can start working on it again.

Cheers,

Poppy.

February 21, 2016

What's quite clear here is the softly softly approach that current or ex OW feel is necessary. This woman was not seeking to apologise...she was trying to reel you back in. Why would she need to meet up to apologise... she just said that because you knocked her back.

I think any apology should have been to your wife ....not that she would have wanted to hear from her after this duration.

She's been stalking you hence she knew where you worked.. so you can bet your bottom dollar she wanted back in.

She's not learned from her wayward cheating ways or she'd not have contacted you. I wonder if she's still married and if her husband knows about this contact.

If your wife decides she wants to tell her husband about this.. you need to support her and agree to whatever she decides. As you didn't follow through on what you initially agreed ..... you need to stand by her side and show that your sorry and wiling to do whatever she needs concerning your ex OW.

I can tell you that any resistance to do what your wife wants will be seen as you trying to protect the OW and will not go down well.

Your wife needs to know that she is number 1.... that her feelings matter to you and that the OW means absolutely nothing to you anymore.

BTW it wasn't a mistake to ignore her first email. NC should have been respected by her, but her intrusion into your life while trying to reconcile just shows she still has no respect for your marriage. A little anger is justified under the circumstances.

February 21, 2016

I think your wife is overreacting but I would just give it time to settle. I think your email to the xOW was about as plain as you could get and it didn't leave any room for argument or doubt. Based on your wife's reaction to the first email, I can understand not wanting to tell her about your response until later. But since she specifically asked you about it, you did lie. Not a great idea. If you just stay by her side, your wife will understand that you're with her through good and bad. Let her know that you understand that putting off telling her about it was a bad error in judgment.

My first thought is, are you sure this email wasn't invented by your wife? In other words, could she have created a fake email account and pretended to be the OW just to see how you'd react?

No, I'm sure it was the OW. It was an old email address with a very unique name. I did wonder if the first email might have been from her husband to check whether she's still in touch with me. But the follow-up email made it pretty clear that wasn't the case.

Also, my wife reacted as would one would expect about the first email, even though I told her right away. If she was the true sender, she would have been relieved, not upset.

February 21, 2016

What's quite clear here is the softly softly approach that current or ex OW feel is necessary. This woman was not seeking to apologise...she was trying to reel you back in. Why would she need to meet up to apologise... she just said that because you knocked her back.

I think any apology should have been to your wife ....not that she would have wanted to hear from her after this duration.

She's been stalking you hence she knew where you worked.. so you can bet your bottom dollar she wanted back in.

She's not learned from her wayward cheating ways or she'd not have contacted you. I wonder if she's still married and if her husband knows about this contact.

If your wife decides she wants to tell her husband about this.. you need to support her and agree to whatever she decides. As you didn't follow through on what you initially agreed ..... you need to stand by her side and show that your sorry and wiling to do whatever she needs concerning your ex OW.

I can tell you that any resistance to do what your wife wants will be seen as you trying to protect the OW and will not go down well.

Your wife needs to know that she is number 1.... that her feelings matter to you and that the OW means absolutely nothing to you anymore.

BTW it wasn't a mistake to ignore her first email. NC should have been respected by her, but her intrusion into your life while trying to reconcile just shows she still has no respect for your marriage. A little anger is justified under the circumstances.

Oh, I agree. I don't know that she wanted me back, but she definitely wanted me in her orbit again. I suspect that things aren't going well in her marriage, and she's looking for an ego boost.

I'm angry that I have given the OW so much power over my wife's happiness. I still can't believe how stupid and selfish I was to have the affair in the first place.

February 21, 2016

When I realized that she knows where I work (based on where she wanted to meet), I didn't want her to think that I just wasn't getting the emails and have her start calling or showing up at my office. I wanted to make it clear that I had told my wife and that I am committed to my marriage without antagonizing her or giving her a reason to reply.

I think there's always a sense of satisfaction involved when someone who dumped you tries to make contact again. But honestly, I felt better because I saw it as an opportunity to show my wife that I wasn't secretly pining for the OW.

Completely makes sense I can see it both ways

February 21, 2016

Oh, I agree. I don't know that she wanted me back, but she definitely wanted me in her orbit again. I suspect that things aren't going well in her marriage, and she's looking for an ego boost.

I'm angry that I have given the OW so much power over my wife's happiness. I still can't believe how stupid and selfish I was to have the affair in the first place.

At least you realise you made a bad choice in having the affair ..

... I hope your wife does calm down eventually. You've learned the hard way that affairs don't help.. but the good thing is that you have learned.

If things have been going well in the last 4.5 years.. I'm sure your wife won't want to throw the towel in....if you've so far made her feel safe and shown remorse..... hopefully she'll get past this.

This return of the OW in your lives (by the contact) will be very painful. I hope that other APs reading this will realise how much pain it causes the BS and the entire family by breaking NC like this.

I hope you both work things out and don't let the EXOW affect the hard work of reconciliation...... she can go and fish elsewhere.

February 21, 2016

You did write in one of the older posts that you were going to leave your wife, but the ow wasn't leaving her bh, so you stayed married. Ouch. Does your wife know that? If she does, maybe that's why she's so hurt (and lying was wrong). She may always wonder if a piece of you always wishes things had turned out differently.

The lies hurt me more than the affair too. But the affair wasn't a love affair, it was free sex at the office, which is easier to get my head around than feeling like plan b. I hope you're in marital therapy, if not you may want to consider a little booster. Be kind to your wife thru this.

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Four-and-a-half years later, marriage going well, the xMOW emails

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