This could be it for my Family...

[Dyn80]

I will try try to keep this as short as possible but I am in quite a complex situation. I'll start with a bit of history on us as a couple. Me and my wife met 10 years ago at work, both young kids only 20 years old. We realized we both loved to be around each other and soon we were dating and things only got better. I will skim the details but we got married at 22, bought a house at 25, had 2 kids now aged 4 and 2. I have a very stable job and she has been mostly a stay at home mom but has now started to work part time. I like to see her get out more and she loves to contribute any way she can.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just a bit more on my wife and our relationship. My wife has always been depressed. Not a "stay in bed and can't fuction depressed", more like a constant "Debbie downer" depressed. At the start of the relationship it was almost unnoticeable but over the years she will always find the negatives in any situation. I myself have not been perfect, I do feel we have drifted apart in ways in the last year. Raising 2 kids, me working and her working, my resentment towards her negative attitude, are just a few reasons and I am sure there are more. But we still have had plenty of good times lately, just 4 months ago we were planning on moving closer town so the kids will be closer to school. We were both excited and seemed to be fully on board with achieving this life goal. We had a really good trip with just the 2 of us last September and I still look back at that trip as an awesome time. We talked and just spent plenty of time together for 4 days. We watched movies together, our sex life seemed decent and generally our house was a happy place for us and our kids. Of course this is my biased view, I am not sure how my wife viewed our past but maybe I will never know.

 

 

Anyways early in early November my wife started taking Prozac. I understood she probably needed them. She was feeling pretty down. She was getting more hours at her work. She also showed me a text she got from a guy at her work saying "I was the luckiest man in the world to have a women as perfect as you". She said he got her number from the call board at work and we both kind of laughed it off. I had no way of knowing how that text may of changed my life, my kids life, and wife's life forever. Fast forward a couple weeks, we went on a 2 day 7th anniversary trip and I noticed my wife was acting strange, almost withdrawn. She looked exhausted and was always sleeping on our trip. I thought possibly the antidepressents were playing a big role in her behavior. Fast forward a week and she left me a letter on the couch. The main message of the letter was she felt that I did not love her and she wanted to get counselling together or separate. I was shocked but agreed to counselling and we went to bed that night. The next morning she handed me her phone. It had texts from some guy asking how her night was. Immediately I realized what was happening. My wife was texting a guy from work. And in the few short weeks they were texting he had convinced her that she would be much happier with him and that he would give her a place to stay. She was swept off her feet in just a few short weeks. She immediately sent a text telling her affair partner that they were done.

 

 

 

 

I am going to gloss over the next 3 months as basically a living hell. We immediately went to marriage counselling and it seemed to work intially. But she would always end back at work and something he said would convince her to continue the texting him. I would catch her texting him, him facebook messaging her, and she would be late home from work. She was living a double life and she was turned into some person I had never seen before. She really wanted to end the affair but it was like she was under some spell. Eventually she said she wanted individual counselling so the marriage was put on hold. She needed time to figure stuff out so she went to her parents to figure "stuff out". She was still contacting this guy and she even took time off work. Well she has decided to start back at the workplace this guy is at and is now talking about getting an apartment. I'm trying to get details on everything and she claims they have kissed in my car before work, that she went to his place twice but nothing happened outside a back rub. I can't go on like this but I can't seem to let her go because this is so unusual and out of character.

 

 

During all this I was doing some research on this guy. I finally came to the conclusion he is a sociopath. First of all my wife has told me that he gave her all kinds of compliments and professed his love for her within days of texting her. He "love bombed" her hard and I am sure he told her everything she wanted to hear. He moved fast and created a whirlwind situation and she was swept up. Normal people don't do that. Just looking on google I found a dui charge, a suspended licence charge with stolen construction equipment. He went bankrupt and rumor around the town he is a player and a smooth talker. He just is not a good guy. My wife a couple weeks ago forcefully told him they were done and apparently he flew off the handle. My wife told me to watch out just in case he wanted to come find me. She said he was manipulative and he left literally 10 voice messages and many more texts. She blocked him the next morning. That was a couple weeks ago now.

 

 

Anyways so I thought she would come around and realize that this guy may have completely changed the way she viewed our marriage. I know he tore me down talking to her. I know she is really confused and unsure about herself right now. She says she does not want to even try to work on our marriage and says there is no way I can ever trust her again. At this point she would rather run away and start her own life.

 

 

So I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Our kids know something is wrong. My mom helps out on the days I am working to watch the kids. I have missed a few days of work lately to deal with my own issues which seem to be getting worse. The stress is almost unbearable at this point. I almost feel like just letting her go but I know she is not in a place to make good decisions right now. I don't know if I can ever get over the mistrust she has brought into our marriage but I would like to try at least. Just thinking about my kids life of living in 2 different places and living brings me to tears. I still have a vision in my head of us being a family together and me and my wife finding what we once had. I think this sociopath has really emotionally abused her and left her confused, scared, and willing to just leave. Any insight, I don't know what to do anymore.

[TaraMaiden2]

You're not going to like this but here goes.

 

Your wife has essentially checked out of your marriage.

She is a full-grown adult, and responsible for her own thought-processes, and decisions.

You can't do that for her - nor can you make allowances for her.

 

Right now, your duty is to your children.

You have to forget what anyone else thinks. About you, or about themselves.

You are not responsible for what she chooses to do, but you ARE responsible for how you treat your children, and how you treat them is to want - and obtain - the best you can for them.

 

File for divorce.

I'm sorry, but really you must. And while you're at it, file for full custody.

 

Seriously, do some research, ask friends and colleagues whom you know have been through a divorce, for recommendations for a good, efficient and effective lawyer.

 

Look to your interests and those of your children.

 

The time for worrying about her, what she's thinking and what decisions she's making - are gone.

 

She's influenced by someone else now.

 

Do your research, cover your bases, and file.

ASAP.

 

Get your mind straight, and think with your head, not your heart.

 

And if you find that difficult, that's what lawyers are for.

[Dyn80]

You're not going to like this but here goes.

 

Your wife has essentially checked out of your marriage.

She is a full-grown adult, and responsible for her own thought-processes, and decisions.

You can't do that for her - nor can you make allowances for her.

 

Right now, your duty is to your children.

You have to forget what anyone else thinks. About you, or about themselves.

You are not responsible for what she chooses to do, but you ARE responsible for how you treat your children, and how you treat them is to want - and obtain - the best you can for them.

 

File for divorce.

I'm sorry, but really you must. And while you're at it, file for full custody.

 

Seriously, do some research, ask friends and colleagues whom you know have been through a divorce, for recommendations for a good, efficient and effective lawyer.

 

Look to your interests and those of your children.

 

The time for worrying about her, what she's thinking and what decisions she's making - are gone.

 

She's influenced by someone else now.

 

Do your research, cover your bases, and file.

ASAP.

 

Get your mind straight, and think with your head, not your heart.

 

And if you find that difficult, that's what lawyers are for.

 

I already have had an initial consultation with a lawyer and basically he recommended that we wait a month and let the dust settle. We are already technically separated and we have to wait a year before a divorce is final in Canada. I have started on a separation agreement and I will be going over it with my wife and then having it wrote up with a lawyer. I have days where I think with my head and days where I think with my heart.

 

 

In my mind we is still very early in the recovery process and the only reason I go on is because I know the kind of person she was before. She was loving, caring, and would do anything for her family. We would do anything for each other and these last 4 months don't make any sense for me or her. She has stated she has emotionally checked out but there are glimmers of hope in her when she does talk about the future with our kids. The next day it is about getting her own apartment. But ya I'm thinking with my heart today, probably not the smartest thing to do but it is what it is.

[TaraMaiden2]

In matters requiring logic and straight thinking, you simply cannot afford to let 'heart' even get a look-in.

 

I'm not sure what your lawyer means about waiting a month to let the dust settle, other than every month you engage him, is more money in his coffers.

 

You drive this.

He can tell you all the legal loopholes, and everything you are entitled to by law, what your chances rights and entitlements are, from a legal standpoint.

But you drive this thing. YOU - employ HIM.

He is paid to follow your instructions within the remit of the Law, and as the situation permits.

'Letting the dust settle' just means prolonging the agony.

Don't stand for it.

 

Sorry, but I have had dealings with lawyers.

My H is legally-qualified.

 

'Dust settle' indeed....!

[S2B]

No waiting. No input from her on the divorce papers.

 

Take charge man!

 

If she isn't willing to repair the damage she's caused and put 200% effort into fixing the damage AND quit that job immediately and cut that guy completely out of her life - then there isn't anything to discuss with her.

 

Each and every action AND words from her must show she is willing to do everything to change. And if she doesn't - then divorce her knowing she just intends to keep cheating.

 

She had sex with him - no denying that. Don't believe her lies and minimizing.

 

Give consequences that show you are willing to move forward. You deserve a wife that promised to be faithful and honest - she's currently not that gal.

 

Get busy building an awesome life even if she is gone. She's not who you thought she was.

 

It's easier to heal if you eliminate what is toxic in your life.

 

Good luck.

[TX-SC]

Get the divorce started now. Don't wait. The sooner you start, the sooner you can move on toward your new life. Your marriage is dead. Go ahead and bury it and start living again.

[Ladyjane14]

I wonder what would be the result of a voluntary in-patient hospitalization and getting her meds straightened out? Sounds like a prolonged manic episode to me.

[ksol9]

I used to be in a relationship with a man who was emotionally and physically abusvie. The emotional abuse was way more damaging. You are literally out of touch with reality. If you are sure this man is not good news then I wouldn't suggest on giving up on your wife. Educate yourself as much as you can about relationships like this. I was a shell of the person I once was during that relationship, if I didn't have my family to support me, I don't know what was going to become of me. She may have checked out but that doesn't mean she is in the right frame of mind. People make poor decisions in relationships that are abusvie and possessive.

 

While I think this whole thing is unfair to you, I admire your unconditional love for your wife. You have to protect yourself and your children. This relationship she is in with this man has major red flags. It will eventually end, but only when she decides. She has to get to the point where she is strong enough to see the damages it is causing. I really wish you best of luck. People with personality disorders are so terrible. They are damaged people who live to damage others.

[Mr. Lucky]

I used to be in a relationship with a man who was emotionally and physically abusvie. The emotional abuse was way more damaging. You are literally out of touch with reality. If you are sure this man is not good news then I wouldn't suggest on giving up on your wife. Educate yourself as much as you can about relationships like this. I was a shell of the person I once was during that relationship, if I didn't have my family to support me, I don't know what was going to become of me. She may have checked out but that doesn't mean she is in the right frame of mind. People make poor decisions in relationships that are abusvie and possessive.

 

While I think this whole thing is unfair to you, I admire your unconditional love for your wife. You have to protect yourself and your children. This relationship she is in with this man has major red flags.

 

I think this is a reach in the OP's case. There's nothing he's posted that paints the OM as a abuser, he's just another guy out there picking the low-hanging fruit.

 

Dyn80, I understand your need to make the OM the bad guy and your wife the victim but all that does is delay your ability to see you wife in a realistic light. Despite the many second chances you've given her, she's willingly engaged in the affair every step of the way. You should judge her and plan accordingly.

 

I wouldn't wait a day, much less a month, to get things started. Separation doesn't necessarily mean divorce and, if your wife returns to earth, reconciliation is possible.

 

In the meantime, as other have rightly indicated, protect yourself and your family. That - not reeling your WS back in - should be your priority...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Dyn80]

I used to be in a relationship with a man who was emotionally and physically abusvie. The emotional abuse was way more damaging. You are literally out of touch with reality. If you are sure this man is not good news then I wouldn't suggest on giving up on your wife. Educate yourself as much as you can about relationships like this. I was a shell of the person I once was during that relationship, if I didn't have my family to support me, I don't know what was going to become of me. She may have checked out but that doesn't mean she is in the right frame of mind. People make poor decisions in relationships that are abusvie and possessive.

 

While I think this whole thing is unfair to you, I admire your unconditional love for your wife. You have to protect yourself and your children. This relationship she is in with this man has major red flags. It will eventually end, but only when she decides. She has to get to the point where she is strong enough to see the damages it is causing. I really wish you best of luck. People with personality disorders are so terrible. They are damaged people who live to damage others.

 

 

One of the reasons I go on trying to fight for her is because she is the mother of my children. She has been totally emotionally wrecked by this guy and her actions and I do believe she has to be protected from him at all costs. I need her, whether we are married or not, to help raise our kids. Everything my wife has told me and just my own research tells me with almost full certainty that he is a sociopath and he will do anything he has to do to get her under his control. My wife has told me as such and she realizes he is a person to stay away from. She has told me they are no longer talking for 2 weeks now. I have absolutely no reason to believe her but what is a guy supposed to do?

 

 

We are still very friendly to each other. We just got back from a family outing and we had fun just hanging out with the kids. She knows she has messed up bigtime and our marriage is probably broke beyond repair. Outside of a few heated discussions we have been surprisingly civil. We both are at a point where we know the kids are of the upmost importance and all the other stuff will take time. I'm still hanging on to the sliver of hope that we can reconcile. I'm not sure I can even get over the whole thing myself but I think it is at least worth a try. We are both getting counselling weekly I do not get the sense I have to protect myself finically. We both share our cars depending on who has the kids and who is working. We are both working together to protect the kids.

 

 

I have also thought about my role in all this. I have been far from perfect. I have been a great dad for our children, and awesome provider, but I was emotionally distant to her and myself. She needed more emotionally and I did not provide that to her. I did not support her with her depression in years past. I am not giving up my power and I am not giving her any power. I am man enough to realize I played a role in all this and I will be a better person moving on, with my wife or not.

 

 

I know I sound weak but I still think there is something to fight for, even if it is just for her own mental health. I can't just totally leave her alone without any support right now.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

This stuff happens all the time in marriage. Assuming nothing physical happened between your wife and the OM, it essentially amounts to an Emotional Affair (EA). She enjoyed the high of a new relationship and romance, and being pursued, etc.

 

An EA is very easy to slip into, especially when things are a little tough at home.

 

I think that your marriage may be very salvageable and workable. From my point of view, you have to make yourself strong and desirable. The proverbial knight in shining armor. Romance her socks off and make her know how much she is wanted and loved. It's going to take a lot of work if you want to put this back together. But in the end, it will definitely be worth it.

 

I'm voting for you to pull it all together. Good Luck!

[sandylee1]

You could recover if you BOTH want to do so. I can tell you do...but she seems to ashamed of what she's done to give it a go.

I agree that this guy sounds like he's not the norm.. bombarding her with texts and her feeling he'll come after you. That's not your average OM.

 

It seemed like a cry for help her showing you her phone.. that's not the standard behaviour of a wife in that position either.

Her depression has definitely played a big part in all this.

 

Relationships are tricky at the best of times..... but for those who have depressed and bipolar partners..... it must be doubly hard. I just wouldn't enter a relationship of that nature.

 

Good luck

[ShatteredLady]

I understand where all of the advice is coming from. I received very similar. It could be right! Let me be totally honest with you. I'm still very confused. You know how it feels don't you?!? It's brutal. The worst pain I've endured.

 

Listen to the outline of my experience TWICE (12 years apart) & see if you feel similar...

 

I met my husband when I was 21, him 22.

Everyone describes him as the nicest guy in the world.

He's always suffered from depression but not the completely debilitating kind.

His depression is very self depricating NEVER against me.

 

The first time he took anxiety/depression meds it was to quit smoking.

He turned into a complete stranger. He abused me in all ways except physical beating. He started an affair with a woman he worked with. Still claims it was EA.

 

Stopped taking meds...because he was a "Golden God" who didn't need anything or anyone. He fell into deep depression. Split with OW & was crippled with guilt & embarrasment for what he'd done.

 

Lots of life happened. 12 years later...

 

I nearly died & had emergency surgery with a very long rehab (my internal organs had become septic & damaged). He was overwhelmed having to take all the weight for the first time ever. We live in a foreign country. Totally isolated. He lost his job. That had NEVER happened. He's always been highly respected. Actually just received the "Emplyee of the year" substantial bonus.

 

My Dad nearly died & was diagnosed with a form of PTSD after finding my only sibling, my brothers body after he committed suicide. A 'friend' lost his mind & killed his family. I could go on & on. It was a horrific time & I became very depressed.

 

My H went to the doc who prescribed antidepressants & anxiety meds. 6 weeks later he started having an affair with the same woman as before. She 'love bombed' him. Telling him he was the most honorable, principled man ever (something a former adulterer doesn't feel). He became an alien again.

 

He became nihilistic. Nothing mattered, not even our kids. He wanted to run away & live in the middle of nowhere because "He was useless & a danger to us". He was a nightmare to live with!

 

 

I don't know if it's the medications. I've questioned if he's bipolar (you don't need to have real highs to have that) & those meds are the worst thing!

 

I don't know!! Is it the "affair fog" that people talk about?

He rewrote marital history. He did "trickle truth", "stone walling" all the "cheater script" I've learnt about here.

 

He was unrecognisable to me.

 

I'm in emotional, psychological & physical agony. I'm VERY confused & desperately hurt. Am I making excuses? I could be!!

 

He's only been this horrific, abusive, nihilistic, cruel, uncaring person twice in 26 years & BOTH times he's been medicated...but BOTH times he's been having an affair with her!!

 

I don't know but your story reminded me of my experiences.

 

I'm so sorry.

[Dyn80]

Well it has been a couple days and there at least seems to be a plan in action. We had a really good talk yesterday and she layed out her reasons for getting an apartment for the time being. She felt genuine in her intentions and after her counselling lately she has been looking much better, both physically and emotionally.

 

 

Well the plan is for now she will get a 6 month lease and use that time for personal growth, figure out how she got into the affair, figure out what she wants in a marriage, and figure out if she wants to even put time in to try to fix the marriage. I will be doing the same and looking back on our marriage and how it changed over the years, what I could of done, and most importantly how I will get over my severe trust issues I have right now. So we are basically gonna try a constructive separation and see how it goes.

 

 

Her counsellor said that we have one shot left and depending how we act it can either possibly strengthen our relationship if we do reconcile or ruin any chance of reconciliation. We have split our savings and she is using that money to get herself started on this journey. We still share vehicles, I will take care of all home expenses and she is responsible for all of her expenses. The kids will be shared almost equally with her responsible during the weekends while I work and I'll take over during the week. We have a rough separation agreement started and we both agree on the logistical end of things. I also told that this separation is not about trying to test out the waters. I told her that I am not trying to control her and she is her own women, BUT if she is pursuing any relationship during this time that to please tell me so I am not wasting my time trying to make it work. She agreed and I agreed that I would use this time to work on myself and get in a better place mentally and of course not pursue any relationships. It felt good and it is a relief that we have a plan that makes sense for us and should allow both of us to see the kids plenty and have some family time. She was not mentally capable to come home to us yet and her at her parents was just not going work with the kids.

 

 

So that is where we are at the moment. There are a few things I am uneasy about....

 

 

1) She will be working were this guy that lured her is still working. It is a large industrial plant so it is not like she will be in close contact with him but still, I'm not sure. If my suspicions are correct about him being a sociopath I know he will be pursing her while at work. She tells me her guard is up and she acknowledged that without me showing her my research on sociopaths and how they work that she would not of been looking for the signs. She said once she started looking for the signs it was pretty easy to see past his lies. I hope she can be strong. I do have eyes in the place she works, and it is a smaller town so I will hear if she is starting up any relationship. This place is flexible with her hours and does pay pretty good so she can afford her own place and watch the kids 3-4 days a week which does help in our current situation.

 

 

2) She wants me to cancel her phone so she can get her own. As of now we have a couples plan so I can see in real time when she is texting and when the monthly bill comes in I can see who was calling her and who she was calling. She says she wants pay her own way and not rely on me to pay for her utilities. So I will not be able to see who she is calling or texting anymore so ya...I'm not sure. It did stress me out constantly checking the phone records her but at this point I am going to have to trust her.

 

 

So going forward for me I am going to have to be strong. During the week it is just me and the kids so I am going to try to get out more whatever it may be. I might get my mom over at times so I can do some more stuff for me. I am going to try to get as much family time on our dropoff days as I can. I will also hopefully when she feels able to and is willing start on some couples counselling. So far she still says she is not capable to even think about that yet and I agree, it might be best to wait a bit until we both are in better places so both of us will continue our individual sessions. The battle goes on.

[TX-SC]

I have never seen a separation work towards building a reconsiliation. In my experience, it only helps to aid in divorce. Your wife has not shown any desire to help you in the ways you need to be helped. This is the beginning of the end for your marriage. I hope that you will use this as an opportunity to become independent of your wife and marriage. Don't blow this opportunity by clinging to false hopes of R. Once the finances are settled and physical separation is in place, she'll be right back in the arms of the OM.

 

I really do wish you the best. You seem like a nice guy, a good husband, and a good dad. Just be cautioned that this is likely the beginning of the end. Absense does NOT make the heart grow fonder. It actually works quite the opposite in most instances.

[Ladyjane14]

Well it has been a couple days and there at least seems to be a plan in action. We had a really good talk yesterday and she layed out her reasons for getting an apartment for the time being. She felt genuine in her intentions and after her counselling lately she has been looking much better, both physically and emotionally.

 

 

Well the plan is for now she will get a 6 month lease and use that time for personal growth, figure out how she got into the affair, figure out what she wants in a marriage, and figure out if she wants to even put time in to try to fix the marriage. I will be doing the same and looking back on our marriage and how it changed over the years, what I could of done, and most importantly how I will get over my severe trust issues I have right now. So we are basically gonna try a constructive separation and see how it goes.

 

 

Her counsellor said that we have one shot left and depending how we act it can either possibly strengthen our relationship if we do reconcile or ruin any chance of reconciliation. We have split our savings and she is using that money to get herself started on this journey. We still share vehicles, I will take care of all home expenses and she is responsible for all of her expenses. The kids will be shared almost equally with her responsible during the weekends while I work and I'll take over during the week. We have a rough separation agreement started and we both agree on the logistical end of things. I also told that this separation is not about trying to test out the waters. I told her that I am not trying to control her and she is her own women, BUT if she is pursuing any relationship during this time that to please tell me so I am not wasting my time trying to make it work. She agreed and I agreed that I would use this time to work on myself and get in a better place mentally and of course not pursue any relationships. It felt good and it is a relief that we have a plan that makes sense for us and should allow both of us to see the kids plenty and have some family time. She was not mentally capable to come home to us yet and her at her parents was just not going work with the kids.

 

 

So that is where we are at the moment. There are a few things I am uneasy about....

 

 

1) She will be working were this guy that lured her is still working. It is a large industrial plant so it is not like she will be in close contact with him but still, I'm not sure. If my suspicions are correct about him being a sociopath I know he will be pursing her while at work. She tells me her guard is up and she acknowledged that without me showing her my research on sociopaths and how they work that she would not of been looking for the signs. She said once she started looking for the signs it was pretty easy to see past his lies. I hope she can be strong. I do have eyes in the place she works, and it is a smaller town so I will hear if she is starting up any relationship. This place is flexible with her hours and does pay pretty good so she can afford her own place and watch the kids 3-4 days a week which does help in our current situation.

 

 

2) She wants me to cancel her phone so she can get her own. As of now we have a couples plan so I can see in real time when she is texting and when the monthly bill comes in I can see who was calling her and who she was calling. She says she wants pay her own way and not rely on me to pay for her utilities. So I will not be able to see who she is calling or texting anymore so ya...I'm not sure. It did stress me out constantly checking the phone records her but at this point I am going to have to trust her.

 

 

So going forward for me I am going to have to be strong. During the week it is just me and the kids so I am going to try to get out more whatever it may be. I might get my mom over at times so I can do some more stuff for me. I am going to try to get as much family time on our dropoff days as I can. I will also hopefully when she feels able to and is willing start on some couples counselling. So far she still says she is not capable to even think about that yet and I agree, it might be best to wait a bit until we both are in better places so both of us will continue our individual sessions. The battle goes on.

 

The tip-off here is that she doesn't want you to see her phone bill. So sorry because I know it's painful to hear, but it really sounds to me like she's planning on test-driving the other guy for awhile.

 

Here's the bottom line with reconciliation... you have to be utterly WILLING to end a marriage in order to save one. There's no substitute for that. So, if you're determined to try this middle path between Choice A and Choice B, make it crystal clear that one slip-up and you're going straight to an attorney. When you catch her up (and unfortunately, I believe you will), divorce her with alacrity. Wait a couple weeks until she's complacent; put a PI on her. Get the evidence, then rip the band-aid.

 

Don't spend your good years babysitting an immature, selfish woman. The years go by quicker than we think.

[Dyn80]

I understand where all of the advice is coming from. I received very similar. It could be right! Let me be totally honest with you. I'm still very confused. You know how it feels don't you?!? It's brutal. The worst pain I've endured.

 

Listen to the outline of my experience TWICE (12 years apart) & see if you feel similar...

 

I met my husband when I was 21, him 22.

Everyone describes him as the nicest guy in the world.

He's always suffered from depression but not the completely debilitating kind.

His depression is very self depricating NEVER against me.

 

The first time he took anxiety/depression meds it was to quit smoking.

He turned into a complete stranger. He abused me in all ways except physical beating. He started an affair with a woman he worked with. Still claims it was EA.

 

Stopped taking meds...because he was a "Golden God" who didn't need anything or anyone. He fell into deep depression. Split with OW & was crippled with guilt & embarrasment for what he'd done.

 

Lots of life happened. 12 years later...

 

I nearly died & had emergency surgery with a very long rehab (my internal organs had become septic & damaged). He was overwhelmed having to take all the weight for the first time ever. We live in a foreign country. Totally isolated. He lost his job. That had NEVER happened. He's always been highly respected. Actually just received the "Emplyee of the year" substantial bonus.

 

My Dad nearly died & was diagnosed with a form of PTSD after finding my only sibling, my brothers body after he committed suicide. A 'friend' lost his mind & killed his family. I could go on & on. It was a horrific time & I became very depressed.

 

My H went to the doc who prescribed antidepressants & anxiety meds. 6 weeks later he started having an affair with the same woman as before. She 'love bombed' him. Telling him he was the most honorable, principled man ever (something a former adulterer doesn't feel). He became an alien again.

 

He became nihilistic. Nothing mattered, not even our kids. He wanted to run away & live in the middle of nowhere because "He was useless & a danger to us". He was a nightmare to live with!

 

 

I don't know if it's the medications. I've questioned if he's bipolar (you don't need to have real highs to have that) & those meds are the worst thing!

 

I don't know!! Is it the "affair fog" that people talk about?

He rewrote marital history. He did "trickle truth", "stone walling" all the "cheater script" I've learnt about here.

 

He was unrecognisable to me.

 

I'm in emotional, psychological & physical agony. I'm VERY confused & desperately hurt. Am I making excuses? I could be!!

 

He's only been this horrific, abusive, nihilistic, cruel, uncaring person twice in 26 years & BOTH times he's been medicated...but BOTH times he's been having an affair with her!!

 

I don't know but your story reminded me of my experiences.

 

I'm so sorry.

 

Thanks for your story, very familiar and I understand what you mean by "making excuses". I feel the same way. If there was even a hint of my wife doing this EVER she would of been as far out of my life as possible by now. My wife went on Prozac in late October and by Nov 18th she was in a full blown emotional affair and was willing to run away with this guy. If you google "wife on Prozac" the first 3 pages are stories of the exact same thing, a wife cheating out of the blue. Apparently one of the side effects of Prozac is that you can do stuff impulsively and without any thought of consequences. Yeah I am making excuses but I am also searching for answers.

 

 

But for me trying to figure out how much the anti depressants played a role, how much the dissatisfaction in our relationship played a role, how much her depression played a role, and how much this shady sociopath played a role, is what I want to find out. My wife is truly confused and torn and I don't think she even has the emotional strength right now to even work on our marriage or try to help me.

 

 

The ball is in her court and if she is willing to put in the real work then I will play ball. If I get any evidence she is still contacting this guy then I am done. She knows that already. I have been doing a little PI work and so far everything has checked out. I do know several people where she works so I will find out if she is cheating on me pretty quickly.

[Mr. Lucky]

The ball is in her court and if she is willing to put in the real work then I will play ball.

 

Why not ask her for online access to her new phone plan? I'd assume you'd give her access to yours, right?

 

People that have nothing to hide - hide nothing...

 

Mr. Lucky

[oldshirt]

I too agree that she is likely using this separation to test drive this OM.

 

Generally speaking separations are typically used to help the moving on and divorcing process. When people are insistent on separating it is because they want either to have unfettered access to their AP or they are wanting some kind of transitional stepping stone towards getting a start on their new life as a single person.

 

People that sincerely want to reconcile and stay in the marriage almost always want to stay in the marital home.

 

The fact she wants her own phone plan is basically coming right out and stating she wants to keep in touch with OM.

 

OP I am afraid you are being very naive and are being played here. She is smooth talking you into going along with her plan to leave you and get it on with the OM while you are home taking care of the kids and thinking that you are working to save the marriage. You are being played for a fool and a chump.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I am an advocate for reconciliation.

I am also a FWW.

 

There are a few things about your story that really bothers me.

 

First....your wife needs to become totally transparent....which means that you should have access to all of her accounts and phones and computers and bank accounts etc.

 

Second...if she wants her own apartment and her own space...it is because she wants to date the om. It is NOT to get her head on straight.

 

In your story....I have not heard anything about her trying to make YOU feel safe. After all....she is the one who has cheated. So...if she desires to remain in a relationship with you...she needs to do whatever is necessary to make you feel safe.

 

She needs to quit her job. There can be no contact with the other man at all.

 

I am very sorry...but she has played you. You have given her her freedom...you have divided your money....you have given her access to your children at HER convenience.

 

 

Please tell me....what has she sacrificed for you? Nothing. You have done all the giving.

 

Go back to your lawyer and file for divorce now. If 6 months from now...she has "seen the light" you can stop the divorce....if a year from now....you still want to try reconciliation....you can remarry. But get that divorce....now.

[S2B]

Has she quit the job?

 

Has she offered all her privacy to gain your trust?

 

Is she doing EVERYTHING in her power to repair the damage she caused?

 

Medicine is no excuse - stop helping her justify her bad behavior. Yes, it may change thought processes but it doesn't MAKE a person cheat - they either will or they won't - and she obviously will.

 

Since she wants her own place - that doesn't show her intent to work on the marriage - it shows her intent to think of herself and to have MORE privacy to cheat more often without you and a watchful eye.

 

 

She's ruined your life - stop being so understanding! Make her miserable enough to want to change - do not try making her "more comfortable".

 

Start looking out for YOUR best interest! She's not going to. Make smart choices. Follow an attorneys advice...as if you are getting divorced. She may rethink her plan if she knows you're going to remove all her basic comforts.

 

When she asks for anything - your short answer should be a simple "no".

[Dolfin80]

Wow you are an amazing mature guy, so caring about your wife. There needs to be more good guys like you in the world. I don't have any advice, just keep going, you are being very mature about the whole situation. If it doesn't work out with your wife just know that your a great human being )))) well done good luck

[The Poster]

I wonder what would be the result of a voluntary in-patient hospitalization and getting her meds straightened out? Sounds like a prolonged manic episode to me.

 

This is what I was thinking reading OP's story. This behavior started right around the time she started taking medication.

 

Are you sure she isn't having terrible side effects? Of course there's no excuse for what she's done, but I don't think I've ever read an affair story where the one having the affair nonchalantly shows the conversations and texts to her spouse. Like, she wasn't even trying to hide anything. It's almost like she didn't think she was doing anything wrong.

 

I don't know, I'm not an expert or anything, but it seems like there is more going on inside her head than her simply wanting something, and someone, different all of a sudden.

 

Maybe I'm completely off here, but my first reaction reading this story was how the medication is fogging her mind. Again, no excuse whatsoever for her actions. Just giving my opinion.

Edited February 25, 2016 by The Poster

[Just a Guy]

Hi Dyn80, Having read your story I have to say I sympathise with you. You are really caught between the Devil and the deep blue sea. Frankly I think you have been given a lot of sage advice especially by the ladies on the forum. If I were you I would definitely pay heed to what they are saying because their collective feminine intuition cannot be wrong. After all they are talking about your wife who also is a lady and so I guess they have an intuitive insight into the working of her mind and the motivations that drive her. As they say "It is time for you to wake up and smell the coffee".

I am reminded of an old Kenny Rodgers song where two men are travelling on a train, one a young man and the other an older one. The older man after staring out the window for a while turns to the younger man and says to him that he seems to be out of aces and if he let's him have a swig of his whisky then he can give him some good advice. So after having had his swig and smoked his cigarette, he told him referring to a game of poker, that when he is sitting at the table, he should know when to press his advantage, when to fold his cards, when to leave the table and when to run. For you my friend it is time to run. Your wife has already left the table and if you don't follow suit and make tracks you will be very sorry. Your wife is keeping you on the back burner while she goes out and plays the field. There is nothing left for you to save except your self respect. Be a man and she will respect you more for it. If you make a clean break with her she may realize what she has lost and if she really wants you back let her woo you and not the other way around.

In any case it is your life and your marriage

Deep down in your heart you yourself know what are the facts and what is the reality. Pay heed to the wisdom of your subconcious mind and do yourself a favour. Warm wishes!

Edited February 26, 2016 by Just a Guy

[Dyn80]

This is what I was thinking reading OP's story. This behavior started right around the time she started taking medication.

 

Are you sure she isn't having terrible side effects? Of course there's no excuse for what she's done, but I don't think I've ever read an affair story where the one having the affair nonchalantly shows the conversations and texts to her spouse. Like, she wasn't even trying to hide anything. It's almost like she didn't think she was doing anything wrong.

 

I don't know, I'm not an expert or anything, but it seems like there is more going on inside her head than her simply wanting something, and someone, different all of a sudden.

 

Maybe I'm completely off here, but my first reaction reading this story was how the medication is fogging her mind. Again, no excuse whatsoever for her actions. Just giving my opinion.

 

 

Thanks for all the advice guys, it is really giving me stuff to think about, as much as I don't want to sometimes. I will give some more details on the to whole texting thing.

 

 

At first when she told me about the affair she was completely open and honest. She told me everything that had happened, showed me him texting her real time, and revealed how he pursued her. She immediately got on the phone and started phoning counsellors and were in couples counselling within days. However she would go back to work during the week and this guy would convince her to keep pursing the relationship. He was like a drug it seemed. She once gave me her phone for the weekend and one time after I caught her texting him she told me to take her phone and smash it. It was like she was being controlled by this guy and could not stop So for me I was confused and extremely hurt that she could not stop contacting this guy. Each and every time her emotional state became worse and she became more unstable. The panic attacks started, the lying. Everything I thought I knew about her seemed changed. So as time as gone on she has gradually put up walls and while she does still talk to me pretty openly of course the whole separate bank accounts thing and her own phone has got me really suspicious.

 

 

I am at the point where I realize I need to get to see a lawyer. I have made an appointment to see one however she was booked up until mid march. I'm going to search again next week and hopefully find someone else who I can get in sooner with. I realize I have to protect myself now and quite frankly I have to respect myself enough to do this. I am ready to walk and willing to lose my marriage if that is what I have to do. Obviously the kids will be a big factor and trying to make it easy for them is another big concern of mine.

 

 

Also she was on meds before she started talking to this guy. She was on Paxil for a few months and she felt it was not working so the doctor prescribed her to Prozac in early November, right when this affair started. She realized mid affair that Prozac was not working at all and I think she is now on Escitalopram. Also when she voluntarily admitted herself into the hospital in late Decemeber the phyciatrist also gave her a prescription for Abilify, a strong antidepressant that in larger doses is used to treat phycotic episodes. So as of now she is on a 2 different medications. I just don't know anymore. I would rather her try to get off these medications when she is able but she is so far up **** creek right now I don't know if she could.

Edited February 26, 2016 by Dyn80
missed medication