This could be it for my Family...

[Mr. Lucky]

Also she was on meds before she started talking to this guy. She was on Paxil for a few months and she felt it was not working so the doctor prescribed her to Prozac in early November, right when this affair started. She realized mid affair that Prozac was not working at all and I think she is now on Escitalopram. Also when she voluntarily admitted herself into the hospital in late Decemeber the phyciatrist also gave her a prescription for Abilify, a strong antidepressant that in larger doses is used to treat phycotic episodes. So as of now she is on a 2 different medications. I just don't know anymore. I would rather her try to get off these medications when she is able but she is so far up **** creek right now I don't know if she could.

 

She needs to deal with her mental health issues before - or if ever - she deals with the problems stemming from the affair.

 

You're doing the right thing by pulling back and protecting yourself. Whether you wait through a period that could be years of therapy, different medications and some drama is a personal decision only you can make. No one would blame you if you terminated the marriage.

 

Even if she regained her footing, you'd still have all the baggage of the affair to deal with. Long, long road back...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Dyn80]

Well it has been a pretty quiet few days but I have been thinking about stuff lots and I feel much stronger in myself. I had a good week at work. I laughed, was happy, and realized whatever happens I will go forward being generally happy. I got my kids, my health and if I am still standing now then there is little else that can happen that will destroy me.

 

 

My wife has now said she is thinking about going on a month to month apartment lease instead. She has said she wants to reassure me that she has no interest in starting another relationship so that I do not have to worry about that. I now am fully willing to lose my marriage if my wife does not want to help me.

 

 

And for the first time in a long time she seems to be contemplating the reason why she gave a man a second look. She seems to be thinking about everything from the start. I did let her know that if we are to ever start working on us getting back together it will be under the conditions that promote healing for me and that will include transparency and openness. It will include her doing everything in her power to make me feel safe and secure. She agreed that a marriage will need to have that but she still needs time to think if she wants to give it another go. She is still wishy washy but I do sense a shift in her thinking.

 

 

My appointment with the lawyer is still a couple weeks away and I think I will stick with that for now. I did not tell her yet about my appointment but when she was over on the weekend I did leave a business card by accident in my mail bin and she might already know....I'm not sure. I'm thinking I should tell her that I do have an appointment, what is your guy's take?

[Mr. Lucky]

it will be under the conditions that promote healing for me and that will include transparency and openness.

 

If you're going to expect it, you have to offer it in return. So that would indicate telling her you're consulting an attorney. Since she's leaving you, it's certainly not an unreasonable thing to do...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Dyn80]

Well guys I should of taken your advice and unfortunately I have been played like a fool. We had a good visit yesterday and right before she left I asked her if she was still seeing this guy. She admitted to it and then told me he helped her move in. And to top it off he was around my kids. Totally shocked and totally hurt. A deep hurt, not for my wife. But for everything. For the kids, for me, for being so blind and being so understanding when I should not of been. I will chalk this up as a life lesson.

 

 

Anyways moving on.....I have updated our separation agreement to include provisions if either party files for divorce. I am planning on just dividing the rest of our assets ASAP and will be starting the divorce process next week.

 

 

She still does not want to own her affair and still thinks our marriage was a huge problem....saying I emotionally abused her by ignoring her and all the stuff like that. I think she is somehow trying to justify her behavior and unfortunately eventually she will figure all this out and by then it will be too late. Just watching my wife go down the road with this sociopath is hard because I know how it will end. It is like watching someone who resembles my wife in appearance completely change and morph into a person that cannot see the hand in front of her face.

 

 

I am really uneasy about this man she is seeing being around my kids. I know he is unstable, has a criminal past, and a dui with several suspended licenses charges. I did a bit of phoning around and basically I have to prove he will be a bad influence on my kids and while his past is shady nothing is serious enough for him to be deemed dangerous...I will ask my lawyer more about it next week.

 

 

Well so far that it all. I'm young and still alive. Time to take the kids and get some groceries. Thank you guys and gals for all the advice.

[Mr. Lucky]

Well guys I should of taken your advice and unfortunately I have been played like a fool.

 

You weren't foolish, you were brave. It takes courage to commit to someone and resolve to see it through to the bitter end. Now you know, at least you're not stuck in "will she/won't she" limbo like some guys.

 

At some point, you'll have to let go of the notion she was seduced by a sociopath who's clouded her judgment. She's been a willing partner in the affair, the deception and the destruction of your marriage - stop making excuses for her.

 

A little righteous anger will help you move forward ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Dyn80]

You weren't foolish, you were brave. It takes courage to commit to someone and resolve to see it through to the bitter end. Now you know, at least you're not stuck in "will she/won't she" limbo like some guys.

 

At some point, you'll have to let go of the notion she was seduced by a sociopath who's clouded her judgment. She's been a willing partner in the affair, the deception and the destruction of your marriage - stop making excuses for her.

 

A little righteous anger will help you move forward ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

You are a 100% right, I think some anger is something I did not express enough so far.

[Pipeline010]

Dude, your wife is being a horrible useless turd. IMMEDIATELY STOP agreeing that you had ANYTHING to do with her current behavior. YOU did not make her step outside the marriage. YOU are in NO way responsible for her teeny bopper ninth grade melt down.

 

Good news : the guy is a sack....you win. I know it doesn't feel that way now, but it will, and soon.

 

What you do : you won't take my advice, because you're insane. It's not your fault at all, man. You're totally in it, and I've been there believe me. I wish I could jump into your body because I could settle all this out for you cause I don't give a crap about this chick and you do, because you're a good man. It's a constant push and pull of heart and mind. Screw your heart, protect it now and you'll have it later.

 

Do : get this chick out of your home.... She no longer belongs. Pack her bags. Now. Get her Out.

 

Do : create a document stating that in the event of divorce that you want to keep the kids in their home. That you want custody but she can have access whenever she likes. She won't even have to pay a dime. This chick wants to run man, take the opportunity now! You are the man, you are the adult, protect your children!

 

Come divorce that document won't be worth piss in the wind, but you'll at least have something to show the judge that she was very quick to dismiss her children. That may help in a custody hearing.

 

Do : tell every EVERY person in your life what she has done. Immediately. Do it. Sounds crazy right? A violation of trust? SHE violated the trust, not you. For the love of all that's holy in heaven and hell, DO NOT let her tip toe her way into this breakup where she'll slowly control what everyone thinks. Bomb it all! Mass text time baby:

 

Your mom her mom her dad her friends your friends the babysitter "Marjorie has decided to leave us, her family, for another man. I thought it was important that you knew this." No more then this!! In court you can say you did it cause you were worried about the people in your life saying something that would upset the children.

 

You think this will ruin any chance of reconciliation later but you're absolutely backwards. Her affair has been secret, titillating, and exciting. EXPOSE IT for the cheap tawdry disgusting thing it is. Expose this festering postule to sunlight. Let their relationship alienate her all at once from her life. Show her what she's leaving.

 

And her guy is a loser. She'll be left, alone, with him. Nothing else. No excitement. Just another turd in the turd sandwich. The longer you wait the less effect this will have. And if the loony tune dude starts texting you calling you out for making her life hell now, SAVE THE TEXTS! They'll show the kind of environment she'd be bringing your children into of she got custody.

 

DO NOT SPEAK TO HER. Period. All business, baby, that's it. Give her your work face every single time, in person and on the phone. She gets nutty (and she will) you stay calm and DOCUMENT. You are at war son, at war to save your kids. Arm yourself, cause she'll be doing the same as soon as she realizes her life has become crap.

 

Seriously lots of love from me to you man. You are the real article, you are the adult, you are the man real women dream of. Love your kids, stay strong, and don't love your wife for a while. You can maybe walk that road again after you've taken control.

 

Good luck. You are at war!!

[S2B]

A man she's having an affair with is helping your cheating wife move out...

 

Why aren't YOU filing for divorce (not separation)? Get it finished with her! She isn't your partner anymore!

 

 

And yes, that guy with a criminal background and a DUI shouldn't be in your kids presence - and never allow him to drive them around! I'd request that in the papers you file.

 

In fact ask for full custody. Your soon to be ex can request visitation. Maybe even supervised visitation if she's planning on having this guy around her home.

 

Start taking charge of your future and your life instead of only reacting to the crap she dishes out to you.

[TX-SC]

If you haven't done so, go ahead and file for divorce. The separation agreement was a good first step, but you need to take that final giant step and get the divorce moving forward. Your kids should be your only concern now. What your wife does and who she dates is of no concern aside from how it effects the kids. Play nice with her until the divorce is settled then just block her on anything except discussions regarding the kids and their needs. In other words, time to move on with your life.

[Dyn80]

Thanks for all the advice. Haha ya I do sound like a pushover but I think it might be a family defect, we have been called "too nice" at times. I will just give a quick update on the whole "situation". I had booked into see a well recommended family lawyer a while back and finally I will get to see her on Thursday so I guess I can get the real crap started.

 

 

First of all we got our separation agreement basically done and we pretty much agree on everything so far and it even has provisions for how we proceed I either party files for divorce. And I think I am going to go ahead and file for divorce. I have to wait a year anyways before it is final and that leaves plenty of time if my wife ever decides she wants to realize if losing everything is worth this stupid affair. I'm already in a much better place emotionally and even if she wants to come back I might tell her that her chances were used up.

 

 

One of the questions I have for the lawyer how I can ensure that this man will never be around my kids. Whether is be a legal no contact order or if me filing for full custody, either way I think I have a case. I am stable and dependable and trustworthy (I have a 1000 character witnesses if need be) and lately my wife has been none of these and this guy is a turd. I will get his full criminal past looked at in detail because I got a feeling there is more on his wrap sheet than my wife has told me or that I found on google.

 

 

I get the kids 4 days a week and for what it is worth (not much) my wife told me she will keep this guy away from them for the time being while she has the kids. Hopefully soon I can legally keep him away from my kids.

 

 

I have basically ignored my wife in the last two weeks and it has sure helped my get over this crap. Now our conversation is strictly "business" and based around the kids. I no longer think about what she is doing all the time and I think she might finally be coming to a realization what she has done and how she has basically ruined our family with her selfish actions. Just yesterday when she came to drop the kids off she sat on the couch and started crying and said "I've been doing lots of thinking". The me of a month ago would eagerly start the reciprocate the conversation but I said "oh" and never let myself get drawn into something that could be twisted back on me. She hugged the kids and shed some more tears and left but I get the sense she realizes she messed up. Now she has invited me for Easter supper at her parents house with the kids. So ya I will keep you guys updated as to what happens.

[sandylee1]

Don't play happy families over Easter with her. That's just creating an illusion.

 

 

I'm sorry for the terrible way your wife has behaved.... but start to try and enjoy life independently.

 

Can I ask...when your wife gave you her phone way back then because the OM kept contacting her... did you ever call him and tell him to leave your wife alone?

 

Have you ever done anything to make him have consequences?

I know it's on your wife ....but I can tell you that if OMS and OWs faced consequences for their part..... affairs would be greatly reduced.

 

Another support group I'm a member of goes for full steam exposure ..... that includes contacting the company he works for /all his friends /family that you can locate..... Everyone. For the friends the message is 'please protect your marriage as this man has been having an affair with my wife.. I thought you'd like to know what kind of a person he is'

 

Especially in your case where your wife is vulnerable with her mental health. He is capitalising on that fact and that is what HR of the company should be told. I'm usually not for telling HR if both parties are of sound mind... but this man is dangerous... so exposure will help quench it.

 

If you divorce and she finds a decent man... so be it.. but not this terrible human being.

The affair isn't nearly half as much fun wheh

[Dyn80]

Just to answer the above poster when my wife did give me her phone I did not contact him to tell him to stop. I did tell him in a text that my wife gave me her phone and he did not reply. I did however text him on my phone a couple times and was polite at first but the second time I basically told him he was a crappy human being. He was very manipulative and I could see right through his slime.

 

Also I should add that even my wife's family wants nothing to do with this guy. They said to me he will never be accepted as part of their family no matter what happens. It is weird getting support from my in laws but I have been leaning on them heavily lately.

[Bufo]

Listen to Sandylee. I don't know your soon to be ex's family's holiday dining traditions, but I am quite sure that you don't want cake eating served with every course of the meal. She does, so don't go,along with her game.

 

Don't concern yourself about OM either. She is his problem now and he is her problem.

 

How old are,the kids? If they are old,enough they can have some,I put into custody and visitation. At least in my state. Ask your lawyer.

[Bufo]

Listen to Sandylee. I don't know your soon to be ex's family's holiday dining traditions, but I am quite sure that you don't want cake eating served with every course of the meal. She does, so don't go,along with her game.

 

Don't concern yourself about OM either. She is his problem now and he is her problem.

 

How old are the kids? If they are old,enough they can have some input I nto custody and visitation. At least in my state. Ask your lawyer.

[Bufo]

Sorry for the double post but by the time I realized it I couldn't edit/delete it.

[Dyn80]

So had meeting with the lawyer....the end goal will be full custody. Lawyer also reccomended that we add something about who are kids are exposed to .ie this guy. It is what I have to do, currently my wife is gone and I'm doing it for the kids. I'm gonna go into the city and file for divorce in the next couple weeks.

 

Starting to realize what she has done to me and it is my turn to take control. I will get my debit and credit card from her since her name is still on my accounts, then getting a new account in my name. She has not been spending my money but I want to protect myself just in case. We are both sharing our cars, I am going to start to sell both and split the profits and then we can get whatever we want. More importantly she can pay her own insurance/maintainence and all the good stuff.

 

She wants me to go to Easter supper with her family because it will be good for the kids. Just thinking about how NOW she care about the well being of the kids??? If she cared about the kids at all she would not of cheated. Not only did she cheat on me she cheated on her whole family. So instead of going to Easter supper I'm going to work and make some overtime money for myself.

[Ladyjane14]

So had meeting with the lawyer....the end goal will be full custody. Lawyer also reccomended that we add something about who are kids are exposed to .ie this guy. It is what I have to do, currently my wife is gone and I'm doing it for the kids. I'm gonna go into the city and file for divorce in the next couple weeks.

 

Starting to realize what she has done to me and it is my turn to take control. I will get my debit and credit card from her since her name is still on my accounts, then getting a new account in my name. She has not been spending my money but I want to protect myself just in case. We are both sharing our cars, I am going to start to sell both and split the profits and then we can get whatever we want. More importantly she can pay her own insurance/maintainence and all the good stuff.

 

She wants me to go to Easter supper with her family because it will be good for the kids. Just thinking about how NOW she care about the well being of the kids??? If she cared about the kids at all she would not of cheated. Not only did she cheat on me she cheated on her whole family. So instead of going to Easter supper I'm going to work and make some overtime money for myself.

 

It sounds like you've got a good plan put together. As painful as it is right now, you're still a young man with a lot of life ahead of you. So, even though you're in a difficult spot, one that you didn't choose to be in... you can make the most of it by coming out on the other side fully in charge of your life and future. Make the most of it, and don't forget to take some time for yourself along the way.

[Dyn80]

Hey guys, just an update on how the separation is going and I guess I can say a few things have happened in the last few days.

 

Well I have not filed for divorce yet, I got to get my marriage certificate from registries so I am waiting for that. But me and my wife talked about our separation agreement and added stuff into it referring to how new partners should be introduced and stuff like that. So far she has agreed on how we should do that moving forward so I feel a bit better but we still have to hash out some details. Basically we have decided that no new adults will be introduced unless you have dated the person for 3 months to reduce confusion. I am in no condition to even meet anybody but we are thinking long term.

 

Also I had a bad couple days this past week. As you guys might know by reading earlier the guys ex that my wife had an affair with works at the place I work. We do not work together but I somehow got up the courage to ask her before I left work one day to contact me because I had a few questions about this guy. I was just asking because I want to know more about this guy and if he will be a danger to my kids.

 

Anyways a few days later she messages me and tells me that this guy is basically what I thought. "pill popping,manipulative, alcoholic man whore and that she wasted 5 years of her life trying to make it work for her family......and apparently he owes her money that he has not paid her back for yet. So ya I forwarded my wife that information to show her why I do not want that guy around my kids and it got all messed up....my wife forwarded that to this guy and apparently he forwarded the message to his ex.....this all messed up but whatever...it is what it is.

 

So a couple days later I realize I have to free myself from this crap. I was doing really good working on muself but the fact remains we have kids together so I have a vested interest in who she has my kids around. She has agreed to keep him away.

 

But although my wife has said she does not want to work on our marriage anymore and she is moved out, I had no given her a clear indication that I am prepared to move on. I am still a few weeks away at least from being able to file for divorce so yesterday I wrote a long email explaining the situation I am in and why I think we should both move on without any intention of getting back together. The long of short of it was that she has basically destroyed me, our family, and any chance of us being together again over her affair. I told her I am going to divide our assets, sell the house and we can both fully be free of each other in that sense, only the kids will bind us together and that if there is a chance for us to ever be together it will not be anytime soon and definitely not as the people we currently are.

 

It was the hardest letter I have ever wrote and I shed many tears just trying to put the words together because....well it is not easy to tell a long time parter that you are moving on with no intention of ever getting back together, even if she did cheat on me. It however was a turning point for me and It feels like a weight is off my shoulders. So far I have been putting all her stuff her closet and taking down pictures around the house. I just want to remove all triggers around the house for now because it is still hard. My kids are keeping me grounded and motivated so far.

 

So after I emailed her she phoned back crying hysterically. It seemed like the first time she finally realized that her actions had some consequences and she apologized repeatedly several times for hurting me so bad and she feels like she "threw everything away". She also asked if I was serious about selling our house which I told her I am going to sell and I will be moving on. Anyways it does not make it easier but seeing my wife actually show some me that I do mean something and she feels genuinely sad make me feel a bit better. So far outside a few text messages she has not really even apologized and has been extremely cold towards me, almost like it was my fault. But yesterday she seemed genuinlly sad and felt bad for me and wanted to help me heal.

 

So ya that is that....she knows I am 100% serious about moving on and I have a direction I am moving in. I guess I am separated but single now and I am going to do everything I can to become stronger on the other side. I just got to wait for my marriage certificate in the mail and I can go in and file for divorce. Onwards and Upwards

[Ladyjane14]

Hey guys, just an update on how the separation is going and I guess I can say a few things have happened in the last few days.

 

Well I have not filed for divorce yet, I got to get my marriage certificate from registries so I am waiting for that. But me and my wife talked about our separation agreement and added stuff into it referring to how new partners should be introduced and stuff like that. So far she has agreed on how we should do that moving forward so I feel a bit better but we still have to hash out some details. Basically we have decided that no new adults will be introduced unless you have dated the person for 3 months to reduce confusion. I am in no condition to even meet anybody but we are thinking long term.

 

Also I had a bad couple days this past week. As you guys might know by reading earlier the guys ex that my wife had an affair with works at the place I work. We do not work together but I somehow got up the courage to ask her before I left work one day to contact me because I had a few questions about this guy. I was just asking because I want to know more about this guy and if he will be a danger to my kids.

 

Anyways a few days later she messages me and tells me that this guy is basically what I thought. "pill popping,manipulative, alcoholic man whore and that she wasted 5 years of her life trying to make it work for her family......and apparently he owes her money that he has not paid her back for yet. So ya I forwarded my wife that information to show her why I do not want that guy around my kids and it got all messed up....my wife forwarded that to this guy and apparently he forwarded the message to his ex.....this all messed up but whatever...it is what it is.

 

So a couple days later I realize I have to free myself from this crap. I was doing really good working on muself but the fact remains we have kids together so I have a vested interest in who she has my kids around. She has agreed to keep him away.

 

But although my wife has said she does not want to work on our marriage anymore and she is moved out, I had no given her a clear indication that I am prepared to move on. I am still a few weeks away at least from being able to file for divorce so yesterday I wrote a long email explaining the situation I am in and why I think we should both move on without any intention of getting back together. The long of short of it was that she has basically destroyed me, our family, and any chance of us being together again over her affair. I told her I am going to divide our assets, sell the house and we can both fully be free of each other in that sense, only the kids will bind us together and that if there is a chance for us to ever be together it will not be anytime soon and definitely not as the people we currently are.

 

It was the hardest letter I have ever wrote and I shed many tears just trying to put the words together because....well it is not easy to tell a long time parter that you are moving on with no intention of ever getting back together, even if she did cheat on me. It however was a turning point for me and It feels like a weight is off my shoulders. So far I have been putting all her stuff her closet and taking down pictures around the house. I just want to remove all triggers around the house for now because it is still hard. My kids are keeping me grounded and motivated so far.

 

So after I emailed her she phoned back crying hysterically. It seemed like the first time she finally realized that her actions had some consequences and she apologized repeatedly several times for hurting me so bad and she feels like she "threw everything away". She also asked if I was serious about selling our house which I told her I am going to sell and I will be moving on. Anyways it does not make it easier but seeing my wife actually show some me that I do mean something and she feels genuinely sad make me feel a bit better. So far outside a few text messages she has not really even apologized and has been extremely cold towards me, almost like it was my fault. But yesterday she seemed genuinlly sad and felt bad for me and wanted to help me heal.

 

So ya that is that....she knows I am 100% serious about moving on and I have a direction I am moving in. I guess I am separated but single now and I am going to do everything I can to become stronger on the other side. I just got to wait for my marriage certificate in the mail and I can go in and file for divorce. Onwards and Upwards

 

 

Hysteria and tears aren't unusual when one's fall-back plan derails. And while she's test-driving the AP, that's what you were... Plan B. Never be anyone's Plan B.

 

When this thing blows up in her face.. and from your description of the guy, it sounds like it will.. be prepared for her to want to come back. Put some thought now into how you'll deal with that if it happens, so you aren't blindsided.

 

I think it's possible that she may have taken this thing too far for any true reconciliation to occur in the future, but in the interim, I think you're doing well to treat it like a permanent split.

 

It's important that you get out into the world as much as you can though.. hit the gym, accept invitations to social engagements, take walks, etc. Activity really does help.

[Dyn80]

Ya for me the hardest part is going to be "getting out". We bought a house in a very rural area so going anywhere is at least a 45 minute drive to a town. Of course I'm taking care of a 2 and 4 year old on my days off so my options are limited as to how much I can get out. I'm going to get my mom out as much as I can, advertise for a babysitter, and do everything I can to not get shut in too much.

 

The longer this goes I realize I can probably never get over this and rebuild a marriage with her. This has been basically a living hell for almost half a year and I pretty much destroyed myself trying to "save" her. I wish I would of done things differently right from the start but oh well. My wife's true colours came out and I was putting her on a pedestal she did not deserve to be on. Time to be nice to myself

[Ladyjane14]

Ya for me the hardest part is going to be "getting out". We bought a house in a very rural area so going anywhere is at least a 45 minute drive to a town. Of course I'm taking care of a 2 and 4 year old on my days off so my options are limited as to how much I can get out. I'm going to get my mom out as much as I can, advertise for a babysitter, and do everything I can to not get shut in too much.

 

The longer this goes I realize I can probably never get over this and rebuild a marriage with her. This has been basically a living hell for almost half a year and I pretty much destroyed myself trying to "save" her. I wish I would of done things differently right from the start but oh well. My wife's true colours came out and I was putting her on a pedestal she did not deserve to be on. Time to be nice to myself

 

Look at it this way, Dyn. The more you do to take care of yourself today, the better dad you'll be.... and someday, a great partner for someone who can appreciate you. So, make the time to get out there and have a life. Eat right, sleep right, get some exercise, and be good to yourself.

[Dyn80]

First of all, thanks for all the advice from everybody! I have been through a living hell for what seemed like forever and I seem to finally be able to function better. I don't think I could do it without the support from my family and this community. I have learned so much valuable lessons just on life in general from this forum and the bittersweet part of all this is that I am so much stronger now than I was before.

 

First things first.....I have been sleeping pretty good lately. I manage to get exercise in everyday when I am home with the kids thanks to my wife's exercise videos haha, and I have always ate pretty good. But just getting a good nights sleep has done wonders in my overall health and state of mind. I have gotten out to see my friends and even been out to seem my family several times and just getting support from my family and her family has given me the strength to continue on. Also getting to spend so much quality time with the kids has been therapeutic. Watching old Disney movies with them is like going back in time. The Lion King is a great movie BTW, a very powerful message that seems to hit me pretty hard. The snow has melted and it is warming up big time here so heading outside is also a big plus. Also I got my mom to babysit so I booked a trip for just me and myself to San Diego for this Thursday, I'm actually pretty stoked!

 

On the separation front I opened up a new bank account so my wife no longer has access to my account. She was not using it but I had to do it just in case I suppose. Also now she cannot see what I am spending my money on, she had access to my online banking with my old account but no more. I am trying to sell our vehicles so we can stop "sharing" our cars. I just got my marriage certificate in the mail so I can now officially file for divorce. I just got to find the time to do it since it is a 2 hour drive to the city. The wheels are in motion and detaching is feeling pretty good.

 

So any interactions between me and my wife have been pretty much just about the kids or the logistics of our separation. I have not asked her about her AP and for the first time in a while I actually do not care. I have pretty much done the complete 180 and now I can live my life and it is working. The weight is of my shoulders and everything is getting easier.

 

So......just yesterday she texts me out of the blue asking "will you ever be able to forgive me?". The "old" me of a few months ago would immediately text back and say "yes if we work at it". She has actually asked that before and it got dragged out into a really long conversation that always led back to our marriage and our problems that apparently we had but she did not bother telling me about. But yesterday in my new state of mind I text her back and let her know that "I cannot forgive her and why should I forgive someone who has done nothing to help me heal or get better and has in fact gone out of their way to hurt me." I truly cannot forgive her for basically abandoning our marriage and then blaming her affair on me. She then said "she was so sorry and that I don't deserve to suffer and also that it is wrong for her to expect forgiveness". So I am not sure what she is thinking but she wanted me to forgive her but she knows there is nothing to even to forgive at the moment?

 

She then went on to say she "I've the worst failure I could of imagined and that I'm so disappointed in myself and life in general." I'm not sure where she is at emotionally but she is sounding pretty down. Part of me is worried about her mental health. Her family has a history of mental illness and suicide. I have contacted her family to keep a close eye on her. I do want to reach out and help but I also want to stay away. What do you guys make of this???

[Mr. Lucky]

She then went on to say she "I've the worst failure I could of imagined and that I'm so disappointed in myself and life in general." I'm not sure where she is at emotionally but she is sounding pretty down. Part of me is worried about her mental health. Her family has a history of mental illness and suicide. I have contacted her family to keep a close eye on her. I do want to reach out and help but I also want to stay away. What do you guys make of this???

 

99% sure it's a manipulative play on your feelings, straight from the "poor, poor me" playbook. Things may not be going great with her AP so she's priming the pump in case Plan B is needed. You should mentally prepare yourself for the possibility she may show up at your door. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...

 

I would simply answer "I'd prefer we limited our texts to matters regarding our children". I may be cynical but I wouldn't respond to anything else. Down that road lies madness !!!

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ladyjane14]

Agreed with Mr. Lucky. Next time something like this comes up, tell her to limit her communication with you to necessary information regarding the children. She can take settlement issues up with your attorney. It's not about being mean. It's about living with the consequences of one's choices. SHE is the one who walked out on the marriage, and not having you around for a safety net is part of that choice. It's also more conducive to your healing when you're not immersed in all this back and forth drama.

 

If she threatens self-harm at any point, you call the police. If she's serious, you'll have saved a life. If she's playing for sympathy, she won't do it again.

 

Meanwhile, keep working on you and your kids and getting your lives stabilized in a healthy way.

 

It's possible she might pull her head out of her hindquarters one day. It's possible that you might still be around and entertain the notion of forgiveness if/when that happens. But words are bull****. It's ACTION that tells the truth.

[MJJean]

Either her relationship with her AP is failing or she wants you to forgive her so she can move on with her life guilt free.